Ask A Total Prick Columns News

Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum, volume 10

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Your motoring problems addressed in a needlessly aggressive way by an online dick widget

Dear A Total Prick From An Internet Forum,

I’m looking to buy a new car and I’ve noticed some very attractive PCP deals on Golf GTIs. I guess it’s because there’s a brand new Golf on the way. Do you think I should take the plunge or wait for the new one?
AH, Warwick

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…

You say you want to “buy” a new car but you’re looking at PCP schemes, a.k.a renting a car for the gullible. Are you for real? If you want a car you can’t afford then, no offence, you’re a total mug and you deserve everything you get. Have you even tried negotiating on the ACTUAL list price of the car? Last year when I upgraded my Civic Type-S to my new Mazda3 Sport Nav I got 20 percent off their demo car without even asking and turned that into an even better deal. If you can’t do similar then it’s totally on you for failing to engage. Also, a Golf GTI? Seriously? If you’re not even considering the Mazda3 with SkyActiv Technology then jog on. Go on then, name me a better sports hatch Q-ship for the dollar. I’ll wait…


Dear A Total Prick From An Internet Forum,

I’ve always loved Ferraris, ever since I saw a 328 GTB at a local car show when I was a kid. Because of my love for these cars I always dreamt of owning one but you know what it’s like, life gets in the way, there’s always something else to spend the money on, etc etc. I’ve been through some tough times over the years. Lost my job a few years back, got seriously ill for a while in ’09, and in January this year my wife passed away. It made me totally re-evaluate everything and I decided, screw it, life is for living. So I scratched together everything I had and I bought myself a Ferrari of my very own. It’s a 2005 430 coupe, manual, in wonderful Blu Mirabeau, and it’s fantastic. Question is, do I keep it ‘for best’ and get a cheap runaround or just drive it as it was meant to be driven and stop worrying?
HD, York

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…

A Ferrari 430 in BLUE? Sounds like someone should have gone to SpecSavers. Seriously pal, you bought the wrong car. Awful model in an awful spec. The only thing you should do with that abortion is nuke it from orbit. No offence, but what kind of total idiot pools all their money into a car, especially the wrong car? You need to have a word with yourself. Get rid, pronto, before it breaks down or catches fire and get yourself a proper, RELIABLE car, preferably a Mazda3 Sport Nav. You can thank me later.


Dear A Total Prick From An Internet Forum,

I’m keen to get my first EV and what I really want is a Jaguar I-Pace. However, there’s a wait of a few months to get one while my local Audi dealer has an e-tron in stock that I can drive away tomorrow. I prefer the look of the Jag but the interior of the Audi. Have you driven either? Which would you choose?
KL, London

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…

What kind of virtue signalling snowflake wants to drive around in a milkfloat? This is a forum for PETROLheads, pal, and anyone else can do one. Have I ever driven one? Don’t need to, fella. I can tell you right now they’re total crap made for lentil munching eco mentalists. You’ve been listening to Greta Thunberg too much and I notice with interest that she doesn’t actually have an electric car. Typical leftie hypocrisy. Proper boils my pish. Tell me this; what happens when you want to drive from your metropolitan elite bubble in London to somewhere like Edinburgh or Aberdeen? You’re going to spend five days stopping to plug in whereas I could do the trip with one stop, max, thanks to the SkyActiv Technology in my Mazda3 Sport Nav. End of.


Dear A Total Prick From An Internet Forum,

I noticed you the other day saying that your Mazda3 was “class leading” although I have been unable to find any contemporary road tests that placed it ahead of its rivals. Links below to reviews of your car and its competitors. Since I’m here, I saw you also described Boris Johnson as “the strong leader Britain needs”, which struck me as odd since he has been defeated on every major commons vote so far and reneged on several promises (links to evidence in Telegraph, Guardian, Times and Bloomberg stories below). Is this the same as when you claimed no-deal Brexit was “no problem” and that everyone just needed to “get behind it” to make it a “resounding success for a better Britain” despite me posting 27 links to a variety of news and analysis stories from around the world that provided no evidence for this and in fact illustrated that all indications are the exact opposite?
DT, Oxford

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…

I don’t have time to debate this with you. Your tone is extremely offensive. Blocked and reported.