With Tina out of S Club 7
Hi! I’m Tina (out of S Club 7). Welcome to my F1 2002 preview!
As ever in F1, things just Keep On Movin’ and most teams will be running substantially revised cars this season as they all Reach for the championship. Have You Ever seen such an exciting line up? One thing’s for sure; whoever takes the title will have to win plenty of races early in the season or face having to Bring It All Back later in the year to make their Dream Come True! It’s only Natural to think that it’s going to be quite a year! Hey, there ain’t no party like an F1 Party!
Michael Schumacher / Rubens Barrichello
The new F2002 is said to be Ferrari’s best ever F1 car. Which is why they may start the season by using last year’s F2001, just to annoy everyone else. Superb driver combo of scary uber-human Schumacher and amusing small person Barrichello still looks strong. Outside of F1, their sit-com Schumey & Ruebens is Brazil’s top rated TV comedy show.
David Cooolthard / Kimi Raikkonen
Experts predict that McLaren’s season will very much depend on tyres. My personal feeling is that they’d be stupid not to use them. With the departure of Mika Hakkinen, it falls to team boss Ron Dennis to maintain the air of crushing dullness. Spies say that, thanks to a winter-long training programme, Dennis’s monotone is now so flat it can be used to calibrate freshly restored Moog synthesizers.
Ralf Schumacher / Juan Pablo Montoya
Surely the biggest threat to the dominant Schumacher / Ferrari combo is Montoya in his BMW Williams. He’s certainly got the German rattled with his aggressive on-track tactics and also his habit of leaving notes in the Ferrari pits which read “Michael. All your mates called. No message.” Ralf Schumacher often starts well, then remembers he forgot to cancel the milk or put the cat out or something. Then he’s shit.
Jacques Villeneuve / Olivier Panis
BAR sounded good before they entered F1. Then they started building cars and they were wank. Former world champion Villeneuve still hasn’t fully recovered from the fact that he used to go out with Dannii Minogue, but doesn’t anymore. The stupid-voiced Canadian driver was recently seen in the Oxford branch of WH Smiths openly sobbing and shouting “DAMN!” over a copy of FHM which featured his ex-squeeze with her paps out. Panis hugely underrated, especially when it comes to making childish jokes about his surname.
Giancarlo Fisichella / Takuma Sato
Early reports suggested that the Jordan team are struggling with lift. It was certainly something that plagued them at some of the more open tracks last season but insiders say they are confident that, with a few high-tech mods, they can keep everything well stuck down in almost any condition during 2002. Once the engineers have sorted Eddie’s hair out, the car should be a doddle. Takuma Sato is a popular driver, mainly because his Mum can get Game Boy Advance games before they’re released in the UK.
Jarno Trulli / Jenson Button
The French car maker has taken over Benetton and must be hoping for a return to form this season. However, observers are worried that they are diverting too many resources into opening a chain of clothes shops selling nasty pastel sweaters and silly, girly duffle bags. Youthful talent Button has been told he must try harder, especially in Maths, English Lit and Physics. Oh, and driving.
Nick Heidfeld / Felipe Massa
The Swiss team had a storming season in 2001 and will be hoping that everyone except Ferrari, Williams and McLaren is still completely cack this year, allowing them to have another solid crack at fourth place. Sauber has a good driver line up, although the car is still hamstrung by being made in Switzerland, a country that contains no flat surfaces whatsoever.
Eddie Irvine / Pedro De La Rosa
Jaguar’s new R3 got off to a bad start when some clot accidentally designed the front wing to give lift instead of downforce. However, since the first Grand Prix is in Australia, which is an upsidedown country, this may work to their advantage. Niki Lauda’s quest to sack everyone in the team continues and experts predict that by mid-season he will be attempting to drive both cars himself, using a special device. However, if that fails engineers are working on an innovative weight-saving idea that will junk the Cosworth engine and instead power the car using the massive gusts of hot toss that comes out of Irvine’s mouth.
Allan McNish / Mika Salo
A new arrival in F1. Expect the car to be very reliable, spacious, economical and covered by a three year warranty. No, wait, that’s the Yaris. McNish is as Scottish as Coulthard, although he lacks his countryman’s vast experience and chin. In 2002 this team will have lots of money behind them, although probably not lots of other cars.
Lennon / McCartney
The ying to Ferrari’s yang, on the grounds that, like Ferrari, they’re Italian but, unlike Ferrari, they’re completely rubbish. For some inexplicable reason Minardi are a) still here and b) using Mark Webber as their second driver. Last I checked he was sort of like the ‘spare’ guitarist in Pulp. Still, in the frankly unlikely event that every other team dropped out of a race and he got a podium, perhaps he could do a stirring rendition of Sorted For Es and Wizz or something.
Joss Ackland / Enrique Iglesias
Sponsored, as before, by Orange which means they can expect a very inconsistent reception at some circuits. And a limited choice of handsets. And really crap customer service. Ha!