The 2012 Beijing Motor Show is in Beijing. Sniff Petrol sent expendable correspondent Wurke Esperiense to report on the state of the Chinese car industry.
The Chinese car industry is moving fast. Almost as fast as the men who came to my hotel room and went through my computer. China is great. Everything is normal. Go about your business.
One of the largest local companies exhibiting at Beijing is Fong Bum Motor Factor. Only two years ago their models looked awkward and unattractive because the company lacked experience in design. Now things are different – their models look awkward and unattractive because they’re straight copies of last generation BMWs. Typifying this new approach is their new 88X Milky Wolf which appears to use the front of an old 5-series and the back of a last generation X3, held together in the middle with aluminium sheeting and despair.
Over at Golden Shaft Motor Concern the big news was the Angry Birds Coke Mulberry 8, a luxury limousine that resembles a Mercedes S-class after a bereavement. Its maker says the design process was notable because only seven people died and they hope to have the car on sale in time for The Age of Undisclosed Plans.
Locally-based newcomer Lion Cock Motor Manufactory proudly showed their SurveillanceMonkey 88 family saloon which most onlookers agreed bore a striking resemblance to a Honda Accord after an unusual accident. The SM 88 features the regulation quantity of seats and an undecided number of doors. It will enter production when enough people have been rounded up.
The Chinese don’t typically go for sports cars unless specifically instructed otherwise but Roaring Fire Motor System from the Dirty Ho province hope to change all that with their Lethal Weasel X88 Moving Target. This bravely styled coupe claims to offer 300bhp with the promise of more if you give regular reports on the activities of your neighbours. It looks like a Nissan 370Z from a near-future in which all hope has been eradicated.
Making their first appearance in Beijing since the well-suppressed tragedy was Whispering Anus Motor Co-operative with their brand new large saloon, the W8-88X Vanished Relatives. The exterior clearly owes a large debt to Lexus and unnecessary violence whilst the interior features a number of unresolved issues and several poorly concealed microphones. The company claims to have sold over one million of these cars in the last month alone and will report anyone who says otherwise.
Finally, for practically-minded customers and government departments needing something easy to hose out, there was the Action Jackson 8-WX (Grievous Injury), a ‘multi-purpose utility system’ from Searing Agony Motor Agency. Boasting four individual seats in the cabin and a two metre square enclosed rear cargo area capable of accommodating ‘over 20 of those whose thoughts were incorrect’, the 8-WX is sure to cause everyone to reflect on what they’ve done.
If Wurke Esperiense’s parents are reading this, could you give us a call please. Fairly urgent.