Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Leave campaign makes car-based promise

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, June 23rd, 2016

The Rover 75 Brexit in the place where it is happiest; yesterday

The Rover 75 Brexit in the place where it is happiest; yesterday

As Britain votes in the EU referendum, the Leave campaign has made a last ditch attempt to win over voters by promising to re-introduce the Rover 75.

Campaigners promise that the new Rover 75 Brexit will come with a number of special features including a handbrake that is jammed on, a gearbox that only goes in reverse and a special feature that allows the driver to blame the utter failure of their own life on external factors.

‘The Rover 75 perfectly symbolises our future outside the EU,’ explained Leave enthusiast Lee Venthusiaste. ‘The design harks back to a misty-eyed vision of a 1950s Britain that never existed and the car won’t work properly once all the German bits have been removed.’

The re-born Rover 75 will be available only in white.

Crystal Maze to return

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2016

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Cult TV game show The Crystal Maze is to return for a celebrity special starring musician, social media star and occasional racing driver Lewis Hamilton.

In the new show, Hamilton will be strapped into a fast moving car and told to work out which of the many switches on the steering wheel is on the wrong setting. He will be encouraged in his task by other members of his team who will be able to talk to him through an earpiece offering extremely vague and ultimately useless advice.

After Hamilton’s debut, the new series of Crystal Maze will continue with appearances by Daniil Kvyat, who will start a task and then get moved to another one halfway through, Sebastian Vettel, who will do well at the task until a seagull is released into the room, and Nico Rosberg, who will make a complete arse of the very simple task of getting out of a racing car.

11 amazing Bakufacts

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, June 16th, 2016

This weekend F1 goes to Azerbaijan for the first time. Here are some amazing facts about the country that is determined to be in Europe for some reason

Baku, yesterday

Baku, yesterday

5. Azerbaijan is famed for its love of Formula 1. ‘Formula what?’ said one local we spoke to, fanning himself with vast reserves of oil and natural gas.

102. Other things Azerbaijan is famous for include yeast, geese and extremely high quality human rights violations.

vii. The history of Azerbaijan is described as ‘many layered’, largely thanks to its time as part of the Soviet Onion.

b. Other major events hosted by Azerbaijan in recent times include the Eurovision Song Contest, the European Games and the All Caspian Dog Flicking Contest.

This: Baku is named after the Persian word for creating a duplicate of your computer’s hard drive onto a separate storage device.

0. The old town of Baku contrasts with the modernity of the new city including its internationally acclaimed Museum Of Modern Arse.

x. Cities twinned with Baku include Naples (1972), Sarajevo (1975) and Ipswich (admin error).

M. Baku is famed for its high winds, hence its local nickname, ‘Cat Penis’.

5. One part of the track is narrower than intended after some idiot built a 12th century tower on it.

5. The Baku circuit is designed to take in as many of the city’s attractions as possible, including Government House, Seafront Boulevard, and The Square of So Many Prostitutes.

5. When Baku was looking for a race ambassador they were lucky enough to sign up Fernando Alonso after discovering that he literally doesn’t give a shit any more.

Alonso in existential crisis

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, June 14th, 2016

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Concern grows for Fernando Alonso today as sources say the Spanish driver’s ‘Can I stop now?’ radio during the Canadian GP was in fact a wider philosophical question.

‘Fernando seems to have having an existential crisis,’ admitted one McLaren insider. ‘For example, the other day he walked into the garage, pointed at a sign, said ‘What does this mean?’ and then sighed. We told him it was just the notice that said there was fuel in the car, which we thought he would know already. It’s only later we realised his question was of a metaphysical nature.’

‘Then there’s the whole interview we had to pull last weekend,’ our source continued. ‘The interviewer’s first question was just, ‘What do you think of your season so far?’ But Fernando started mumbling that he was ‘just driving round and round in circles’ and then closed his eyes and went to sleep.’

Team insiders are still mystified as to the cause of Alonso’s personal and professional ennui but say there may be a clue in this haiku, found scrawled on the wall of his motorhome;

Spring mist brings new hope
The crow is over the sea
Shitty shit engine

Lanchester drives the e-GO-E electric car

Posted in News, Roy Lanchester by Roy Lanchester on Friday, June 10th, 2016

RoyLanchester14Permanently seasoned car journalist ROY LANCHESTER tests a new electric car

How much do you know about Taiwan? Probably not a lot. Yet I would be willing to bet that in your house, as in mine, there are many things such as cigarette lighter that made there, masquerading under labels reading ‘Renault’ or ‘Volvo Trucks’ or ‘Property of HM Prison Service’. And here is another fact that might really surprise you: Taiwan is one of the world’s most up-and-coming manufacturers of electric cars!

Leading the Taiwanian’s sterling efforts is the excellent e-GO-E from the area of Taiwan known as REMEMBER TO CHECK TOWN NAME. More fascinatingly, this burgeoning Taiwanical vehicle has been developed with assistance from researchers at Central Midlands University in Leamington Spa. I was made aware of this after a chance conversation and some chance glasses of Scotch with e-Go-E’s European PR man who is not, as you might expect, Taiwanish himself but comes from the UK and was formerly with another well-known car manufacturer until a misunderstanding over expenses on a launch event led to a sudden change in the amount he could enjoy both employment and prostitutes.

This chap owed me a favour, not least for my attempts to save his previous career by claiming more than two of the pre-booked ladies were mine, and so I made it clear to him that I would be delighted to borrow one of e-GO-E’s pre-production cars, currently undergoing demonstration work in the UK. I also made it clear that Leamington Spa was too far from my house and he would have to bring the car to me.

Just one week later, the PR man (more…)

Fiat explains 124 Spider changes

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, June 9th, 2016

The Fiat 124 Spider, yesterday

The Fiat 124 Spider, yesterday

Fiat has outlined the changes it has made to ensure the new, MX5-based 124 Spider fully encapsulates its own marque values, which include new panelwork, a new engine, revised suspension settings and much lower quality electrical connectors.

‘The most obvious change is the body which is totally new, except for the windscreen frame and the folding roof,’ explained 124 project boss, Juan-Toofore Prodgectbosce. ‘The style is more masculine and dynamic, and the details reflect the original 124 Spider, particularly in the headlamps and taillamps, neither of which are connected properly and come pre-injected with some water that shouldn’t be there.’

‘The engine is our own turbocharged 1.4-litre Multiair unit and this completely changes the character of the car,’ Prodgectbosce continued. ‘It was vital that we use our own motor for this project because this allows us to precisely set-up parameters such as torque delivery, engine sound and not running properly because it is damp or cold or Tuesday.’

‘The interior is based on the design used by Mazda,’ Prodgectbosce admitted. ‘But we have a good relationship with their production guys and this has allowed us to specify crucial differences such as materials, soundproofing, and the number of rattles caused by what sounds like a small piece of loose metal somewhere inside the door.’

‘We think people will be surprised by how much this car does not feel like an MX5,’ Prodgectbosce concluded. ‘They will come to see that this car is a true Fiat in the way it does corners, the way it does performance, and the way it does not start.’

Porsche announces new very limited edition

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, June 8th, 2016

The new 911X, yesterday

The new 911X, yesterday

Porsche has revealed details of a brand new, limited edition 911 which will be so exclusive that just zero examples will be made.

‘After the success of the 911R we realised there is great interest every time we announce a new limited production car,’ explained limited editions manager Lemmi-Ted Edichons-Managcher. ‘So that’s what we are doing. We are announcing the new 911X. And then we are going to give all the money we would have spent developing it to selected existing customers since it’s what they would have made on flipping it anyway.’

‘We had a lot of complaints about the 911R that few people could buy one,’ Edichons-Managcher continued. ‘The 911X solves that problem since no one can buy one, and some people you’ve never met still get richer. Everybody wins! Except people who like driving Porsches.’

As a final part of the 911X project, a single development car with a manual gearbox and a nose that bobs up and down a lot will be constructed and then given to car journalists so they can have a big wank over it.

First self-driving car reaches retirement age

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, June 7th, 2016

Picture editor to my office please.

Picture editor to my office please.

As development of self-driving cars continues, the very first autonomous car prototype has, in computer years, reached retirement age.

The sentient testbed, built by technicians at the Massachusetts Institute of New Generation Engineering in 2002, celebrated its retirement landmark by driving itself to a restaurant to have dinner at 4pm.

The car then spent two hours burning out its own clutch as it attempted to manoeuvre out of the restaurant car park before reversing into a low post and then running over its own wife.

To mark the occasion of its retirement, the autonomous car has requested that its creators move its entire operating system into a Honda.

Paris to ban cars that aren’t dented

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, June 2nd, 2016

Très bon

Très bon

Starting next month, Paris is to ban from its streets any car that isn’t dented to fuck.

The controversial new plan comes from Mayor of Paris, May Eauvparis, and aims to restore the traditional appearance of the French capital by ensuring that the only cars within it are 12 year old Clios that appear to have suffered a frenzied attack with a hammer.

Checkpoints around the city will ensure that no car can enter the central zone unless it is definitely a faded late-model Peugeot 205 that appears to have been mauled by an elephant or an original Twingo with a full-length sunroof and the paint of 19 other cars on its sides.

‘This system will be rigorously policed,’ explained PR for Paris, Pierre Forparis. ‘You will not be able to cheat the system by purposely adding dents to your car and for this reason we have already warned our people not to deliberately crash into another car. Unless they are trying to get into a parking space, in which case that’s perfectly acceptable.’

Authorities say that banning any vehicle that isn’t dented to fuck from the streets of Paris is likely to reduce traffic in the city by up to three or four cars.

Ricciardo left waiting in reception

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, June 1st, 2016

Daniel Ricciardo, yesterday

Daniel Ricciardo, yesterday

There was more trouble for Red Bull today as Daniel Ricciardo was left waiting in the factory reception area for five times as long as normal.

‘We knew Daniel was coming in,’ explained a team spokesman. ‘But the receptionist thought he said he was here to see Mr Toft and then as Mr Toft was on his way down, we realised Dan was actually here to see Mr Touper-Toft and that meant a bit of a delay while we found him at the back of the factory.’

The Australian driver’s woes were compounded by the appearance of Lewis Hamilton who arrived and was able to go straight into a meeting for the first time in a while.