Archive for the ‘News’ Category

F1 Commission rejects uncomplicated engine plan

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, November 26th, 2015

An Formula 1 engine, yesterday

An Formula 1 engine, yesterday

The F1 Commission this week rejected proposals for cheaper customer engines amid fears that such a move ‘simply wasn’t complicated enough’.

An FIA statement confirmed that the Commission vetoed the so-called ‘client’ engine in favour of drawing up some baffling and interminable 900 page regulation about costs and the minimum number of teams an engine maker must supply, thereby requiring all parties to attend another 74 very long meetings.

‘Authorising customer engines would be very straightforward,’ said one insider. ‘And that simply won’t do. Formula 1 is the pinnacle of motorsport and it must have the pinnacle of needlessly complicated rules.’

‘F1 should inspire the kids of today,’ noted another high-ranking team representative. ‘We would be neglecting our responsibility if we didn’t let our young people dream that one day they too could be sitting in a meeting room endlessly working through tiny details for some unnecessarily contrived and annoying piece of legislation.’

The FIA was quick to point out that the rejection of customer engines was not only to ensure many more meetings and the creation of many more lengthy documents. There was also concern from some parties that the client power unit ‘might be better than the shitty, shitty engines we’re making at the moment’.


Winter driving tips with Ice Magic™

Posted in News by Buzzfact Clickbayte on Wednesday, November 25th, 2015

Did you know that 78 percent of British motorists in Britain don’t know enough about winter driving? That’s according to a recent survey by the road safety boffins at tasty 1980s ice cream topping product, Ice Magic™. Thankfully, the helpful people at Ice Magic™ have compiled this handy Ice Magic™ guide to British winter driving in the winter in Britain with Ice Magic™! 

winterdrive11. In colder months your car will work better if you fill it with hot petrol so when you go to the petrol station don’t forget that camping stove! For extra fun, add a dash of Ice Magic™ to the tank, remembering that it might cause your engine to stop working!

3. If you want to make a clean getaway on a slippery surface, simply squirt a bit of Ice Magic™ in front of your tyres! Hey presto! Your wheels will be covered in chocolate and taste delicious! Please be aware that they may also struggle to maintain grip on the road during any type of cornering!

4. Make your car look extra Christmassy by rubbing Ice Magic™ all over the windscreen! Just remember that all the deliciousness will massively impair your forward visibility!

7. Always keep a flask of hot Ice Magic™ in the back seat, along with a warm tartan Ice Magic™!

2. Make basic engine maintenance more fun by topping up your car’s radiator not with anti-freeze but with Ice Magic™! Our engineers tell us that most cars like mint or orange flavour, and that manufacturers’ warranties won’t cover the resultant damage to the entire cooling system!

2. If you got stranded in a snow storm would YOU have the energy levels to fight off the spectre of death? Make sure you’re in top shape by drinking an entire bottle of Ice Magic™ before each journey! Remember that this may cause you to experience severe breathing difficulties!

winterdrive39. According to a recent survey, over 47 hundred percents of motoringists who died last winter didn’t have enough chocolately goodness in their system! Avoid this common issue by swigging repeatedly from a bottle of Ice Magic™ as you drive until it feels like your throat has almost completely closed up!

b) Plummeting temperatures can prevent your engine from starting, but did you know this may be down to the battery getting cold? Avoid this problem by smothering your battery in lashings of lovely Ice Magic™ from the ’80s! Don’t worry about the hot smell of chocolate and chemicals, that’s probably normal!

104. Did you know Ice Magic™ can also be used as a food? It’s also an excellent automatic transmission fluid, as long as you don’t mind breaking your entire gearbox and digestive system!!!

vi. The most important thing to remember this winter blah blah blah more words to go here Ice Magic™.

© All sponsored content agencies

VW hoping no one will notice vast pile of burning polystyrene round back of factory

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, November 24th, 2015

The VW factory, yesterday

The VW factory, yesterday

Beleaguered Volkswagen is under more pressure today as it hopes no one will notice the massive polystyrene fire that has raged behind its Wolfsburg factory since the early ‘90s.

‘I guess we must have started burning enormous quantities of polystyrene on a patch of land behind the factory around the time we announced the Golf mk3,’ admitted an anonymous source. ‘To be honest, it’s just a part of the furniture now. But a raging, white-hot piece of furniture that constantly belches noxious clouds of choking black smoke into the atmosphere. We like it.’

Sources say VW has quietly fed the vast, suffocating blaze with fresh sheets of polystyrene for over two decades before its current woes forced the company to accept that this might be seen as ‘quite bad’.

‘Let me be very clear, this fire is not simply burning off large quantities of polystyrene in a needlessly dangerous way,’ insisted a high-ranking insider. ‘We also use it to get rid of old tyres and sometimes invite employees to appease the poisonous flame gods with their old sofas and mattresses, especially if these items were made before the mid-‘80s’.

Company insiders say Volkswagen will now attempt to draw attention away from the 23-year-long toxic blaze it constantly stokes with new supplies of noxiously flammable materials, perhaps by vaguely claiming something about ‘an engineering solution’ to the problem.

Grosjean excited by ‘number of tubes’ in new chassis

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, November 18th, 2015

Romain Grosjean, yesterday

Romain Grosjean, yesterday

Following his first visit to the new Haas factory in the US state of Oxfordshire, Romain Grosjean has spoken enthusiastically about ‘the number of tubes’ in his chassis for next season.

‘The guys at the factory welcomed me by putting another hog on the fire pit,’ Grosjean said in remarks to French Formula 1 magazine Dimanche Alternatifs. ‘And then they showed me the amazing new F1 chassis and some of the advanced materials they are working with such as something I have never seen before called “sheet steel”.’

Grosjean was said to be particularly impressed by the team’s ‘car cover’ which is roughly the shape of a contemporary American-market saloon, although he was apparently confused to later discover that this was in fact ‘the car’.

‘I am super excited for next season,’ Grosjean concluded. ‘But of course I would not rule out a return to Lotus at some point, preferably next season.’

TV character car crime climbs

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, November 16th, 2015

An television, yesterday

An television, yesterday

Thefts of cars belonging to characters from television shows continue to soar according to a new police report which attributes the rise to these vehicles ‘never being locked’.

‘It’s little wonder that characters from television programmes continue to experience high car theft rates when time and again we see them walking away from their cars without locking them,’ explained the report’s author, Inspector Ian Spector. ‘Or they return to their vehicles which plainly have not been locked while parked and, in many cases, already have the driver’s window down.’

The report also notes that TV characters are exposed to an above average risk of neck injury in an accident on account of their cars ‘inexplicably having no front seat headrests’.

Worse yet, television characters are said to be especially likely to have an accident in the first place on account of the driver ‘spending a dangerous amount of time looking at the passenger while speaking’.

‘The accident rate is very worrying,’ noted Inspector Spector. ‘And we must sincerely hope it doesn’t mark a return to the dark days of the 1970s and 1980s when television characters were 100 times more likely to swerve into oncoming traffic on account of constantly and needlessly waggling the steering wheel from side-to-side’.

Doctors warn of new ‘fever’ risk

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, November 13th, 2015

A possible 'fever' sufferer, yesterday

A possible ‘fever’ sufferer, yesterday

Doctors have issued an urgent warning today after discovering a new strain of ‘fever’ which only affects celebrities.

‘The new ‘fever’ is very unusual and could have been around for decades without us realising,’ explained leading medical researcher Leigh Dingmedicalree-Sercher. ‘In some cases, it could be fatal and we now believe that the ‘fever’ killed actor James Dean, singer Marc Bolan and Daily Mail enthusiast’s favourite Princess Diana.’

‘There are several symptoms of the ‘fever’,’ our source explains. ‘They include a crumpling of metal, a shattering of glass, and a fibbing about having a fever.’

New business saves Citroen H Vans

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, November 12th, 2015

A newly unspoilt Citroen H Van, yesterday

A newly unspoilt Citroen H Van, yesterday

A new business has been announced today which lovingly creates shabby old Citroen H Vans out of twee mobile coffee outlets and Cotswold artisan bread shop delivery vehicles.

Known as H Vandals, the new firm is the brainchild of Lysander Adipose who says he had the idea after returning from a holiday in France and paying £6.50 for a black coffee served by a gap year twat on a London street corner. ‘I had noticed a new trend for rural French farmers and builders to use scruffy Citroen H Vans to run their businesses,’ Mr Adipose explains. ‘I thought I could tap into that market and luckily I found a rich seam of twee mobile hot drinks outlets and horribly smug travelling butchers whose ruined vans we could buy and convert from cloying, self-consciously retro shite into rusty, filthy transport for French people with proper jobs.’

H Vandals has already delivered its first lovingly de-restored van to a plumber just outside Rouen and is now combing British towns and cities looking for an insufferably contrived organic burger van or deeply annoying specialist cheese outlet which it can rescue, un-ruin and deliver to a walnut faced man who sells bric-a-bric at a crap market near Nantes.

Evoque convertible doesn’t appeal to people it wasn’t designed for

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, November 10th, 2015

A Evoque convertible, yesterday

A Evoque convertible, yesterday

A shock new study by this website has revealed that the new Range Rover Evoque convertible does not appeal to people it was not designed to appeal to in the first place.

Sniff Petrol studied hundreds of reactions on car forums and comments sections and discovered conclusively that, amazingly, people who quite obviously would have never liked the Evoque convertible do not seem to like it.

This will come as a blow to Land Rover who must have been hoping that people who would never have considered a car like this would have shown interest in a car like this rather than, as is actually the case, parroting the same predictable opinions over and over again.

‘When we designed this car, we never thought about people who would never have given a shit about it anyway,’ admitted a Solihull insider. ‘It’s come as quite a shock to find out that they don’t like something we never expected them to like.’

‘Ooh, we’ll take a thousand,’ said Wilmslow in Cheshire, yesterday.

Minicabber celebrates five years of check engine light being on

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, November 9th, 2015

An check engine light, yesterday

An check engine light, yesterday

There were celebrations in the London borough of Grunting last night as local minicab driver Minika Bdriver marked five glorious years of the check engine light coming on in his Skoda Octavia.

‘I remember the day the light came on,’ Mr Bdriver recalls. ‘It was an unusual day for several reasons. I think I had just taken a route that didn’t involve blindly following my sat-nav into a traffic jam, and earlier I had applied the brakes more than two feet in front of a stopped car in front. Then to cap it all, my little yellow friend lit up and life was never the same again.’

Upon seeing the check engine warning illuminate, Mr Bdriver says he reacted immediately. ‘As soon as I saw that little light, I knew what I had to do. I had to keep driving the car another five years and 127,000 miles,’ he explains. ‘That’s the great thing about these modern cars. They just don’t need any maintenance, especially not of the brakes. Although I remember about two years ago I did put some air in one of the tyres.’

To mark the fifth anniversary of his check engine light coming on, Mr Bdriver’s friends and colleagues are to stage a spectacular fireworks display of bright lights and unusual noises, all of which he will steadfastly ignore.

Kvyat kvept by cvurrent team

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, November 5th, 2015

Daniil Kvyat, yesterday

Daniil Kvyat, yesterday

Red Bull has confirmed that Daniil Kvyat will keep his drive for 2016 as the team praised his ‘strong legs’ and ‘stout soled shoes’.

Speaking candidly at the Mexican Grand Prix, boss Christian Horner said the Russian driver had ‘excellent ankle stamina’ and spoke highly of his ‘ability to scuttle’.

Horner also sang the praises of Kvyat’s team mate, Daniel Ricciardo, noting that he has ‘the required level of knee fitness’ and is ‘excellent at making pretend engine noises’.

When asked about Red Bull’s ongoing power unit supply problem for next year, Horner smiled enigmatically and said he had ‘something in mind’.