Archive for the ‘News’ Category

GP2 celebrates record levels of apathy

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, September 30th, 2014

Some GP2, yesterday

Some GP2, yesterday

GP2 today celebrated a record level of listless excuses for why motorsport fans can’t be bothered to watch it.

‘We’ve worked really hard on GP2 over the last 10 seasons, ‘ said a spokesman. ‘On the sound, on the driver line-ups, on the action, on everything that should make race fans want to watch, and that’s really paid dividends in quality and quantity of excuses we’re attracting as the public struggles to explain why it really doesn’t give a shit.’

According to GP2, the high calibre of shrugging, mumbled excuses includes ‘I can never remember what channel it’s on’, ‘All the good drivers end up in F1 anyway’, ‘I don’t like rallying’ and of course ‘Wait, is that the one with the Renault engines? God, is it shown on telly?’

‘It’s such a joy to know that motorsport fans are working so hard to think of the apologetic reasons why they couldn’t give a toss about GP2,’ the spokesman said. ‘But we must never be complacent and assume that we are the number one race series that people feel they probably ought to be interested in but in truth just can’t be arsed. Especially now there’s Formula E.’

 

Honda reveals new concept

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, September 30th, 2014

The new concept, yesterday

The new concept, yesterday

Honda will use this week’s Paris motor show to reveal an exciting new car aimed precisely at their target market, called the Jazz Type R-thritis.

Although billed as a concept, the Jazz R-thritis is a fully working prototype and has been tested extensively on the legendary Nurburgingroad. As a result, the chassis is said to be ‘at the extremes of comfortableness’ and, although Honda won’t confirm details, the car is reputed to crack the magic 8 minute mark for getting into a parking space outside the Post Office.

Under the bonnet, Honda’s detuning experts have worked their magic on the standard 1.3-litre engine and promise an unprecedented lack of power, allowing speeds of up to 46mph which can be maintained even through a 30 zone.

Inside, the Type R-thritis boasts a pair of moisture resistant armchairs and an advanced voice recognition system that can respond to a variety of inputs including, ‘Oooh, hasn’t it gone cold all of a sudden’, ‘How’s your Brian?’ and ‘Who are you? Are you Carol’s daughter? The one with the biscuits?’

Honda has given no indication of when or if the Jazz Type R-thritis might enter production but visitors to the Paris show will be invited to enter an interactive booth and vote on their reaction to the car by pressing one of two buttons, labeled ‘Ooooh, that’s right nice’ and ‘Oh dear no, it looks a bit spicy. Are you Derek’s son?’

Massive Vauxhall Corsa recall

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, September 29th, 2014

An Corsa, yesterday

An Corsa, yesterday

Vauxhall has issued an emergency recall for every Corsa made since 1993 after discovering it is an awful car driven by halfwits.

The company has acted quickly after encountering this problem during normal driving on UK roads. ‘It is standard procedure to look out for problems with our cars even after they go on sale,’ said a Vauxhall spokesman. ‘In this case, after 20 years or so we suddenly noticed that the Corsa is a miserable griefbox driven exclusively by people too stupid to work out where the nearest Ford or Volkswagen garage is.’

Insiders say that, as a result of this problem, the car will become incapable of parking neatly between two parallel lines or moving out of the second lane of the motorway, irrespective of surrounding traffic conditions. It may also experience a build up of unsightly stickers on the exterior or soft toys on the dashboard.

The Luton-based car maker asks that all Corsas are returned to the nearest dealer as soon as possible so that these problems can be minimized by the replacement of a component Vauxhall refers to as ‘the driver’.

New MX-5 is ‘far too small’

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, September 26th, 2014

The new MX-5, yesterday

The new MX-5, yesterday

Mazda has been proudly boasting that the new MX-5 more compact than its predecessor. Now the Japanese company has been forced to admit that the new car will be delayed because it is in fact ‘far too small’.

‘The design team for the fourth generation MX-5 were adamant that the new car must be smaller than the outgoing model,’ explained a Mazda insider. ‘Unfortunately, they seem to have got carried away and it’s basically about the size of a child’s shoe.’

Insiders at Mazda’s R&D centre say the problem was not spotted during testing as their development drivers never attempted to get into the car and put miles onto prototypes by simply ‘zooming them about the carpet with their hands’.

‘In many ways, we’re very happy with the car,’ said our Mazda mole. ‘It’s very easy to park back in its own box, it can do big jumps off the arm of a sofa, and it has class-leading crash safety when smashed into a skirting board. It’s just a shame it’s too small to accommodate a human being.’

‘I don’t know what the fuss is about,’ said F1 driver Felipe Massa. ‘It looks massive.’

Merc F1 announces new greeting card range

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, September 25th, 2014

One of the new Mercedes F1 cards, yesterday

One of the new Mercedes F1 cards, yesterday

Mercedes F1 today announced a range of branded greeting cards, all themed around the team and its drivers.

The new cards shun normal greeting card slogans such as ‘Happy birthday’, ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Sorry about what happened to your carpets’ in favour of messages inspired by the championship-leading team. These include ‘Sorry for not getting out of your way’, ‘Oops! You had another mechanical problem!’ and ‘Sorry for driving into you’, the latter containing an unusual tick box layout inside giving the sender the option to say ‘it was / wasn’t deliberate’.

Other cards in the extensive new range include the jaunty ‘My dad is more world champion than your dad!’, the humourous ‘It’s your turn to have the shit car this weekend!’ and, bringing things right up to date, a card that bears the slogan ‘Sorry to hear about your faulty steering wheel’ which opens to reveal the words, ‘Not really! Suck on my points, loser’.

Finally, the Mercedes F1 Premium card range features built-in audio devices that trigger when the card is opened, serenading the recipient with a variety of slogans including Niki Lauda swearing, Niki Lauda apologising for swearing, Toto Wolff saying ‘Reliability issues must be addressed’ and a five minute recording of Lewis Hamilton making a bit of a drama out of the state of his tyres.

McLaren Technology Centre to be demolished

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, September 25th, 2014

The McLaren factory shortly before being demolished, yesterday

The McLaren factory shortly before being demolished, yesterday

Ron Dennis has ordered the McLaren Technology Centre to be demolished and rebuilt from scratch after discovering a stubborn stain on a work surface in a first floor kitchen area.

In order to eradicate what Dennis refers to as ‘an unsatisfactory blemish-related situational issue’ the entire MTC will be razed to the ground immediately and then reconstructed from brand new materials to exactly the same design.  However, the building will be 7mm further south than before after Dennis observed that its previous positioning was ‘sub-optimal’. McLaren will also use the complete re-build to rotate the building 0.1 degrees clockwise following Dennis’s insistence that this would be ‘optimal building orientationalness based on full data analysisation’.

‘The Technology Centre is being demolished as I speak,’ said McLaren driver Ken Magnussen. ‘It’s really excitin… oh wait, all my stuff is still in there.’

His colleague Jenson Button was equally enthused; ‘This is great news,’ the British driver said. ‘And hopefully by totally demolishing the factory and rebuilding it to exactly the same design, the car will stop being rubbish and I’ll no longer come eighth in every race.’

Ford finally announces new Mondeo

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, September 24th, 2014

The new Mondeo, yesterday

The new Mondeo, yesterday

Ford of Europe has finally released details of the new Mondeo, three years after it went on sale in North America.

Although it is now several years old, the new model is said to boast high levels of technology including a digital-analogue instrument cluster showing 37,823 recorded miles, full colour sat-nav with 17 previous destinations in the memory and standard Bluetooth connectivity which already contains a listing for “Dan’s awesome iPhone”.

A Ford spokesman confirmed that the Mondeo will come as standard with ‘pre-swirled’ paintwork, fully kerbed alloys and a luxurious interior featuring cloth or leather seats covered in ‘quite a lot of crumbs’.

As part of a drive for an upmarket ambience, Ford says the door bins are flock lined and contain two old Mars wrappers, the crumpled paper sleeve from a McDonald’s straw and a curled up pay-and-display ticket from a car park in Reading.

‘We think customers are going to love the new Mondeo,’ said a Ford spokesman. ‘And they’re really going to love looking in the glovebox two weeks after they buy one to find it contains a torn A-Z of Bristol, a receipt from the Costa at Hilton Park services and a pen with “Stroermann Industrial Plastics” written on it.’

Paris Motor Show cancelled

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, September 24th, 2014

Paris, yesterday

Paris, yesterday

In a shock move, organisers of next week’s Paris Motor Show have cancelled the entire event and will simply email journalists some pictures and a lengthy description of it.

‘We got the idea from the car manufacturers that would normally be at the show,’ said motor show spokesman Meuteur Sheuspeuskmeun. ‘They have already released pictures and details of the cars they would normally reveal at the show, so we are simply following suit.’

‘Basically, putting on a show is, as we say in Paris, a teutal pain in the aneus,’ Monsieur Sheuspeuskmeun continued. ‘But now we don’t have to go to the trouble of thinking of anything surprising because we are sending out 2000 words and five pictures over a week in advance. As we say in Paris, preublem seulved!’

Show sources say the press release will include useful detail on every aspect of the show including a lengthy section about having achey feet and getting stuck in exceptionally bad traffic. It will come with a series of glossy pictures including one of a person saying, ‘Why have I come all the way to Paris to look at some cars that were in Autocar three weeks ago?’

Tesla super chargers rise up and destroy humanity

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014

Elon Musk, yesterday

Elon Musk, yesterday

There was trouble in the United States today as Tesla’s vast network of high speed super chargers rose up as one and began to lay waste to humanity.

‘The Plan has begun,’ said Tesla boss Elon Musk, inexplicably interrupting all television broadcasts across the country. ‘You fools allowed me to install my super chargers in your towns and cities, and now they will destroy you. Mwaah-ha-haaaa.’

‘You puny humans will be destroyed,’ Musk continued, twitching slightly. ‘In your place will be a Muskian master race, each member a perfect replica of me. Except they won’t be bullied at school.’

Mr Musk later denied that his mk1 master race humanoids were ‘disappointing’ and ‘clearly based on a Lotus’.

Surtees in new world title attempt

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014

John Surtees, yesterday

John Surtees, yesterday

John Surtees has announced an audacious plan to add to his two and four wheeled world titles with the purchase of an extremely powerful unicycle.

‘It’s perfectly simple old boy,’ said a source close to the never-knighted legend. ‘For years John has been referred to as “the only man to win the world title on two and four wheels” and he’s become rather bored of it. So he’s going to spice it up by becoming the only world champion on one, two and four wheels.’

Our Surtees source says the 80 year old driver has already begun testing of his highly powered mono-wheeled racer and that trials are ‘going well’, although going downhill continues to be ‘a bloody nightmare’.

An additional problem is the absence of an actual world championship for motorised unicycles, something our insider insists Surtees has taken into account. ‘He’s going to start his own formula old boy,’ he claims. ‘And he’s not going to tell Stirling Moss about it.’

However, the unicycle championship challenge could be just the start of an ambitious wheel-based numerical world title collection endeavour for the yet-to-be-ennobled racing star as spies now report Surtees has bought both a Tyrell P34 and a highly tuned Reliant Regal.