Archive for the ‘News’ Category

F1 agrees new safety measures for 2017

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 29th, 2016

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

The F1 strategy group has voted against the halo protection system for 2017 in favour of a new safety strategy based on telling the drivers to ‘be careful’.

‘The group unanimously decided to continue evaluating protection systems such as halo,’ said a spokesman. ‘But in the meantime, we believe there is great merit in just telling the drivers to drive safely please.’

‘For 2017, F1 will introduce something called the New Safety System,’ the spokesman continued. ‘Which is a small pamphlet containing phrases such as “slow a down a bit”, “woah, steady on” and “careful now”. We believe this will have a far reaching effect, without the need to strap a massive flip-flop to the top of the car.’

‘I certainly will be paying attention to this advice,’ said Nico Rosberg. ‘While also ignoring it, obviously,’ he added, lifting off very slightly.

The 5 worst mid-engined Ferraris

Posted in News by Buzzfact Clickbayte on Thursday, July 28th, 2016

5listFerrariMondial1. Ferrari Mondial
It had four seats! Who wants a Ferrari with four seats? There should not be seats behind you at the wheel of a Prancing Horse machine, there should be an engine. Which there was also! Urrgh, confusion!

2. Ferrari 599 GTB
What is the first thing you is are looking for in the mid-engined Ferrari machine? It is the engine in the middle, of course! This mid-engined Ferrari could not even make the bother of having the engine in the mid position. Fail!

5listFerrariDaytona3. Ferrari Daytona
The rules of mid-engined Ferrari say put engine in middle of car, loser! But this mid-engined Ferrari did not have the engine in that place for it was elsewhere! OMGZ! Take a look at yourself Ferrari, you losers!

4. Porsche 911
Sometimes even the great Prancid House make mistake. Yes, it true! In this case, oh boy they make totes mistake and then some more! Mid-engine does not mean engine at back. And Ferrari should be made in Italy and not Germany and be called Porsche. Mega failz!

5listFerrariBelmont5. 1989 Vauxhall Belmont
What kind of mid-engined Ferrari would have the engine at the front and a very roomy boot at the back? Answer equals this one! Where to start with the failz of this car except to say it is urgh not machinery for Ferrari lolz! Ultrafail!

40 years of the Ford Fiesta

Posted in News by Buzzfact Clickbayte on Tuesday, July 26th, 2016

This month marks 40 years of the Fiesta. We look back at notable moments from the life of the small Ford that’s also a porn mag.

40Fiesta11976 – Ford announces its brand new small car to be built in a brand new factory in Valencia. The new model is named after the Spanish word for kitchen paper.

1977 – The Fiesta wins the prestigious Engine of the Year award in the category of loudest tappet noise.

1981 – The Fiesta XR2 is launched featuring a 1.6-litre engine, sporty exterior trim, and an interior specially modified to allow the driver to shout, ‘OI-OI, GEEEEEZAHHHHH!’ out of the window.

1983 – The Mk2 model is launched and sticks with the Fiesta name, despite attempts by Ford’s German marketing office to call it ‘Hasslehoff’.

1984 – Ford announces the first diesel-engined Fiesta. At the time of writing, its 0-60 time is still being measured.

1987 – Ford announces that all mk1 Fiestas in Britain have now been fitted with mk2 tailgates and look terrible.

40Fiesta31988 – The Mk3 model is launched and sticks with the Fiesta name, despite attempts by Ford’s German marketing office to call it ‘The Scorpions’.

1989 – Sales of the mk3 Fiesta are disappointing after lukewarm reviews in the motoring media such as the all-important Autocar road test which called it ‘shitting tosswater’.

1990 – Ford announces the Fiesta RS Turbo, thereby answering critics who said the XR2i was simply far too good at being able to drive in a straight line.

1995 – The mk4 model is launched and sticks with the Fiesta name, despite attempts by Ford’s German marketing office to call it ‘Piss party’.

1999 – The mk4 receives a facelift designed to stop it ingesting so much krill.

2002 – The mk5 model is launched and sticks with the Fiesta name because Ford’s German marketing office has been closed down.

2005 – The Fiesta mk5 receives a facelift and a new series of trim levels so that the range now runs Fragrance, Foreskin, Frig and Fuckinghell. The sporty range topper continues to be called ST, which stands for ‘sanitary towel’.

40Fiesta62008 – The mk6 Fiesta is launched featuring a dashboard inspired by a mobile phone keypad. ‘This won’t date,’ claimed a spokesman. ‘Because mobile phones are unlikely to change in the next… oh. Shit.’

2012 – A mk1 Fiesta XR2 sells for over £20,000 at auction. Its value is inflated because it is the only known example not owned by someone called Gary.

2016 – Ford celebrates 40 years of the Fiesta with an event inspired by the car’s name. ‘It means party,’ said a spokesman. ‘Although unfortunately I had Google Translate on the wrong settings when I was booking everything. Do you know anyone who wants to buy a shit load of kitchen roll and jazz mags?’

Rosberg signs for two more years of disappointment

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 22nd, 2016

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

There was good news for fans of moaning and missed opportunities today as Nico Rosberg signed to Mercedes for another two years.

‘Nico is delighted to secure a new Mercedes contract,’ said a spokesman for the Monafinnman driver. ‘And he is confident the team will continue to give him the car he needs in order to choke under pressure and not quite win another world championship.’

‘Of course, this is about more than the car, it is also about the team mate,’ continued the spokesman. ‘And Nico believes that in Lewis Hamilton he has someone he knows he can try to fuck with by being eerily calm, someone he can get really whiny about when things don’t go his way, and someone who can ultimately hand his arse to him, again.’

Rosberg’s new contract takes him to until the end of 2018, by which time he hopes to be able to get out of an F1 car without getting all tangled in the wires and tubes like a competition winner on a single-seater track day.

Sauber sold to some Swisses

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 21st, 2016

Peter Sauber, yesterday

Peter Sauber, yesterday

There was good news for Sauber this week as the struggling Swiss operation was bought up by a finance company which promises to ‘make the team completely adequate again’.

‘For too long Sauber has been sort of around the back of the midfield,’ admitted a spokesman for new owners, Cashmoney S.A. or something. ‘That’s not where they should be. They should be in the middle of the midfield. And sometimes even at the front. Of the midfield, I mean. Not the actual race, obviously.’

However, Sauber’s new paymasters insist that they are not intending to rebuild the team from scratch. ‘We have to respect the team’s traditions,’ insisted an insider at Minted Industries or whatever they’re called. ‘Traditions such as painting the car so it looks like a something from a shit GP2 team or continuing to give work to Marcus Ericsson even though no one is quite sure if he’s any good or not and is starting to think perhaps not.’

However, Sauber’s sale to Completely Aboveboard Inc. is bad news for Peter Sauber himself who has decided to be sacked by his eponymous company, though he is able to lease his own name back to them at $3.50 a letter or $18 the set.

Rosberg docked point for points position

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 12th, 2016

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

There was more bad news for Nico Rosberg today as the Mona-Germo-Finlandic driver was docked one championship point as punishment for only being one championship point ahead of Lewis Hamilton.

‘The regulations on this are pretty clear,’ explained rule adjudicator Rula Judicator. ‘Specifically, article 49.6 which states that ‘no driver must choke under pressure with a sizeable championship lead and piss it all away’.’

Rosberg’s punishment is one of the most unusual in F1 since the mid-‘90s when Damon Hill was docked points for looking like he wasn’t really enjoying this and was just doing it because he had to.

‘We hereby give notice of our intention to appeal this decision,’ said a Mercedes spokesman. ‘No, wait, we hereby give notice of our intention to give notice of intention to withdraw our notice of intention. Erm…’

Furious Massa in race rage incident

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 7th, 2016

Felipe Massa, yesterday

Felipe Massa, yesterday

Earlier this week Niki Lauda claimed Lewis Hamilton had ‘destroyed’ a room in Mercedes hospitality after poor qualifying at the European Grand Prix. Now Williams sources are reporting a similar incident at the Austrian race in which a furious Felipe Massa pushed a bag of crisps onto the floor.

‘I’ve never seen anything like it,’ said an onlooker. ‘Someone had obviously just told Felipe they needed to change his wing and he’d have to start the race from the pit. Next thing you know, he came walking quite briskly into the hospitality suite. He didn’t say anything, he just walked over to the table and pushed a packet of crisps off the table and onto the floor.’

‘I can’t say how much damage was done but I’d estimate that at least one or two of the crisps inside were probably a bit broken,’ our source continued. ‘And it’s just not the sort of thing you’d do if you were thinking straight because these are special F1 crisps and the whole packet is worth upwards of 80 to 90 pence.’

Witnesses say the sound of the packet of crisps hitting the floor caused such a noise that up to one person might have turned round to see what was happening. ‘After the crisps hit the ground it was incredible,’ our spy explained. ‘Felipe stood there for a second then he said ‘sorry’, picked up the crisps and put them back on the table. After that he went and sat quietly in the corner having a big drink of water and signing some promotional merchandise. He seemed to calm down, but I’m pretty sure he was already regretting pushing those crisps off quite a low table.’

Chris Evans escapes from Top Gear

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 5th, 2016

Chris Evans, yesterday

Chris Evans, yesterday

People across Britain are being warned to stay indoors after news that Chris Evans has escaped from his Top Gear contract.

‘The IC1 male suspect was last seen driving away from BBC offices in central London wearing a jumper and yellow T-shirt that he seems to have had on for about six weeks now,’ confirmed police rep Paul Eesrep. ‘He is driving an unidentified vehicle which he keeps referring to as ‘she’ and is believed to be reeling off statistics about it without any sense that he knows what they mean.’

‘We believe there is little risk of Mr Evans delivering an actual verdict on the car,’ Mr Eesrep continued. ‘But we would urge the public not to approach him as there remains a high risk that he will shout at them in a needlessly jolly and slightly echoey way.’

‘Anyone who sees Mr Evans should inform us immediately,’ Mr Eesrep concluded. ‘And I would like to reassure the British public that we will use whatever force necessary to prevent him returning to Top Gear.’

Mercedes announces A-class Rosberg Edition

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 4th, 2016

The Mercedes A45 AMG Nico Rosberg Edition, yesterday

The Mercedes A45 AMG Nico Rosberg Edition, yesterday

Mercedes has announced a special ‘Nico Rosberg’ edition of its A45 AMG hot hatchback which boasts a number of bespoke features including a unique ‘brake fault’ that provides the driver with the perfect excuse for acting like a bellend.

Sources in Stuttgart say the A45 Nico Rosberg Edition is specifically tuned for manoeuvres such as failing to take a corner properly, twatting into another motorist and other situations in which the driver deliberately doesn’t use enough steering lock like a silly tit.

In the event of an accident, the A45 Nico Rosberg Edition comes with a comprehensive recovery package which entitles the owner to a full diagnostic check, after which the dealer will tell them there is a ‘brake fault’ even though that doesn’t really tally with the dick move that got them into trouble in the first place.

On top of the made up brake problems and inadequate steering lock, each Nico Rosberg Edition A-class is registered in three different countries and designed to emit a regular whining sound.

Raikkonen unsure he’ll be staying at whichever team this is

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 1st, 2016

Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday

Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday

Kimi Raikkonen has admitted that he may not remain at whoever these guys are beyond the end of what year is this?

Speaking to close friends, the Finnish driver is said to have admitted that there’s ‘some boss guy’ who isn’t happy with him and it ‘maybe that guy, you know, with the jumper, I don’t remember’. He went on to note that ‘there’s this other guy, you know, beardy guy. He’s pissed off, maybe. I dunno. He said something the other day, but I wasn’t listening.’

Raikkonen’s perilous situation at that team he’s pretty sure he drives for is only made worse by the performance of, in the driver’s own words, ‘that other guy, you know, smiley face, I don’t know his name, yea, him, annoying guy, teacher’s pet.’

With the growing risk that Raikkonen loses his seat at ‘I think the car is red, I don’t know where the factory is, someone takes me there sometimes’, the Finn has clearly been considering his next move and was overheard earlier today saying to a friend, ‘You have cash? Good. Let’s find a bar that’s open.’