Archive for the ‘News’ Category

11 things you didn’t know about Ken Block

Posted in News by Buzzfact Clickbayte on Friday, February 12th, 2016

Ken Block, yesterday

Ken Block, yesterday

2. Ken began his famous ‘Gymkhana’ series as a tribute to his friend and long-time hat stylist, Jim Khana.

9. Ken invented over-sized DC skate trainers after a childhood dream in which he was an Alsatian puppy.

4. Ken is named after Kentish Town railway station in north London. ‘Change here for overground rail services!’ he quips.

4. When not drifting, Ken uses his full name – Kent Block – and forms the structural part of the engine in small Fords built from 1959-2002.

4. Ken’s favourite type of drift is continental. ‘It’s the land masses of the earth moving relative to each other!’ he quips.

1. Ken once entered a drift so massive that he was able to get out, go to the cinema and come back later to finish it.

10. Ken literally eats tyres.

12. Ken drinks so much Monster Energy drink he hasn’t been to sleep since 2007 and all his urine must be buried.

8. Ken broke part of his bathroom mirror in 2004, obscuring the bottom of his chin as he attempts to shave. ‘I really should get a new one!’ he quips.

79. Ken’s favourite gyms are -khana, -nasium and cler-en.

4. Ken’s favourite Jims are Henson, Morrison and -iny Cricket.

0. Ken is legally contracted to get up five times in the night and shout the word ‘FORD’ out of his bedroom window.

London cabbies design new taxi

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, February 10th, 2016

The new taxi, yesterday

The new taxi, yesterday

LTI has revealed details of its next generation London taxi which the company says has been developed in line with suggestions from the capital’s cabbies.

As a result of this unique input, the new taxi will be incapable of driving in a straight line for more than 100 yards before veering unexpectedly up a side street whilst a suite of on-board sensors allow a screen in the back to flash up a series of messages such as ‘bloody speedbumps’, ‘bloody width restrictors’ and ‘bloody Ken Livingstone did this di’n’t ‘e’.

Up front, driver convenience is very much the order of the day with a Daily Express holder, a picture of Margaret Thatcher and an enhanced communications system which means passengers won’t miss a word of every 45 minute rant about how unfair it is to have competition from an app-based taxi service that’s cheaper, more convenient and not as racist.

In the name of efficiency, LTI has simplified several aspects of the new taxi so that the radio only receives LBC, the meter starts at £30, and the engine won’t take you to where you live because it’s after 10pm and your house isn’t immediately off Oxford Street.

The new taxi is expected to cost around £35,000 although it will get extremely huffy if you don’t give it at least 40 grand.

Revamped Top Gear in crisis

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, February 8th, 2016

Chris Evans, yesterday

Chris Evans, yesterday

The re-birth of Top Gear is in crisis this week as rumours persist that presenter Chris Evans doesn’t know what a car is.

‘Chris comes into the office every week and says, ‘WHAT IS CAR?’ over and over again,’ admitted one insider. ‘But then he gets distracted by a picture of a hat and doesn’t really listen to the answer’.

‘It’s really affecting the filming schedule,’ confessed another BBC insider. ‘Every shoot we arrange, Chris turns up and just blunders about shouting, ‘IS THIS CAR?’ while pointing at a horse or a wall or a sandwich.’

These latest rumours would explain Evans’s behaviour last month when asked by a journalist to name his favourite car. ‘Chris said, ‘CAAAAAR?’ several times with a furrowed brow,’ said one onlooker. ‘Then he did a little dance, and smiled at a plug socket.’

However, it seems Evans’s confusion could be just the start of Top Gear’s problems. ‘Even if Chris works out what a car is, which seems unlikely since he currently seems to have confused ‘car’ with the emotion of ‘wistfulness’, we’re not sure he will be able to drive,’ admitted a high ranking BBC source. ‘This is because last year to raise money for charity he had both of his hands removed and then replaced with some raspberry jelly.’

 

Rosberg working hard on ways to get arse handed to him

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, February 5th, 2016

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Sources in the Germo-Finlandic quarter of Monte Carlo say Nico Rosberg has been spending the Formula 1 off season working ‘flat out’ to build watertight strategy for once again getting his arse handed to him by Lewis Hamilton.

‘Nico knows that Lewis might not be on great form at the start of the season because he’s been titting about in Las Vegas with two types of Kardashian or something,’ said a source close to the Findo-Germanic driver. ‘That’s why he’s got to think on his feet to make sure that, even if his team mate isn’t on his game, Nico can still get his arse handed to him in some way or other’.

Friends of the TeutoFin driver say he has been spending hours at a time in a specially-built simulator which allows him to run through hundreds of ways in which he might choke under pressure.

‘Nico is leaving nothing to chance,’ said one Mercedes insider. ‘He’s got to consider thousands of possibilities for ways in which he can bottle it, say something really whiny on the radio, and then have his arse handed to him by Lewis Hamilton.’

Meanwhile, in the Hertfordshire quarter of Los Angeles, spies say team mate Hamilton has spent the last seven days entirely in the gym… posing in front of the equipment trying to get an Instagram photo right.

Leaked VW documents reveal existence of SEAT

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2016

An seat, yesterday

An seat, yesterday

Volkswagen’s troubles worsened this week as leaked official documents revealed the existence of something called ‘SEAT’.

‘We simply don’t know how long this ‘SEAT’ has existed,’ said industry watcher Ian Dusstrywhotchar. ‘As a result, we don’t know how many people hoping for a Volkswagen Group car may have actually been sold a ‘SEAT’.’

VW acknowledges that mistakes have been made, such as its purchase of the SEAT car company in 1986, but so far it refuses to reveal how many people may have experienced a ‘SEAT’, perhaps without even noticing. However, some experts believe that if you hired a car in Europe in the last 20 years, there is a chance you might have been exposed to ‘SEAT’, though you will almost certainly have no memory of this.

Alongside the ‘SEAT’ revelations, VW is also accused of double standards on other matters such as being completely open with customers in the US yet refusing to inform European buyers that, without even realising, they may have bought something called a ‘Jetta’.

 

Defender purists blast final buyers

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, January 29th, 2016

An Defender tackles some tough terrain, yesterday

An Defender tackles some tough terrain, yesterday

As the last Land Rover Defender leaves the production line this morning, the car’s biggest fans blasted newcomers who have snapped up the last remaining examples of the venerable 4×4.

‘I wanted to get one of the last Defenders but they’d all been bought by bloody country folk,’ complained Arabella Occasional-Tayble of Hampstead. ‘And what are they doing to do with them? Probably just drive them across fields. I bet they won’t even attempt to use them for the school run. It’s such a shame.’

‘I saw a chap in a brand new Defender only the other day, claiming to work for a utility company or forestry management or something,’ grumbled Hugo Byfold-Dawes of Notting Hill. ‘Best of luck to you, I thought. You mark my words, he’ll find it rather hard work compared to the Hilux or whatever he had before.’

‘These country people heard about the death of the Defender and all of a sudden they want to get one so they can pretend they live in the city,’ fumed Bunty Skeeing-Holliday of Fulham. ‘These aren’t real Defender people and they aren’t buying them for real reasons such as thinking they look nice and grudgingly having to drive them whenever Charlie’s taken the Range Rover.’

Land Rover is currently working on a brand new Defender which it says will boast modern technology and efficiency without losing any of its legendary ability to find a parking space outside Waitrose.

Porsche presents new naming policy

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, January 27th, 2016

An badge, yesterday

An badge, yesterday

Porsche has released pictures of its new 718 Boxster, along with details of a new policy – pointlessly putting numbers in front of things for which there is already a perfectly well-known word.

‘That’s right,’ confirmed a Porsche 628 spokesman. ‘Here at our 804 head office we had a 412 meeting during which we looked at some 807 Powerpoint slides and ate some 716 biscuits and the people from 423 marketing decided it would be a brilliant 217 idea to put pointless numbers in front of widely-known 819 words.’

‘Having a familiar 616 name isn’t enough,’ explained the company’s 428 marketing boss, Mark Ettingboss. ‘Here at 001 Porsche, we think a 616 name should be needlessly complicated and hard to say and should have some pointless component that 703 literally everyone in the entire 000 world ignores because it’s 301 fucking stupid.’

Mr Ettingboss later denied that his new policy was ‘924 crap’.

11 things you never knew about Nigel Mansell

Posted in Motorsport, News by Buzzfact Clickbayte on Tuesday, January 26th, 2016

Nigel Mansell, yesterday

Nigel Mansell, yesterday

1. Although commonly referred to as Leo and Greg, Nigel Mansell’s sons are actually called Zansell and Xansell.

7. During their time together at Ferrari, Mansell and Alain Prost had an uneasy relationship, largely due to the British driver’s insistence on calling his colleague ‘Alan’.

g. Mansell has to have his trousers specially made to accommodate a piece of the McLaren MP4/10 that is permanently stuck to his arse.

viii. In Italy, Mansell’s nickname is ‘Il Luone’ which translates as ‘the droning noise’.

(57): As part of a long-running sponsorship deal, Mansell is obliged to use the word ‘Sunseeker’ in every sentence, even if he’s not being interviewed.

B. During his Lotus days, Mansell had an uneasy relationship with Elio De Angelis, largely due to the British driver’s insistence on calling his colleague ‘Alan’.

N: To this day, the McLaren canteen serves a ‘Mansell special’ every Friday. It’s a block of lard with chips.

88. Although Mansell left Ferrari over 25 years ago, the team still has a box full of Marmite, PG Tips and copies of the Daily Express which he left behind. Every so often they ask him to come and get it and he promises he will next time he’s in the area.

Four. Whilst at Williams in the mid-‘80s, Mansell had an uneasy relationship with Nelson Piquet, largely due to the British driver’s insistence on calling his colleague ‘Alan’.

YES: Since Mansell’s real moustache was irreparably damaged by a sticky bun in 1994, the Brit champion has worn a sophisticated false moustache made from carbon fibre and the luxuriant hairs that hang like a curtain from the back of Jackie Stewart’s head.

Maldonado considering things to crash into outside of F1

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, January 22nd, 2016

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

With his F1 drive for 2016 hanging in the balance, Pastor Maldonado has already begun to look around for other things to crash into.

‘Pastor knows his time in F1 could end the very second his debit card is declined,’ said a close ally of the bewilderfaced talent vacuum. ‘He would never take it for granted that he would be on the same grid as Lewis Hamilton, Kimi Raikkonen and all the other world champions he has almost crashed into. That’s why he’s already looking around for other race series’ whose drivers he could take off in lap nine.’

Sources say the Venezuelan competence stranger may look to the flourishing WEC series where he could achieve a lifelong dream of crashing into Mark Webber.

Alternatively, he could take a year off and spend some time back in his homeland where he could crash with his family.

F1 tediousness secured

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, January 21st, 2016

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

F1 bosses have this week agreed a landmark deal which will secure the dismalness of the sport for the coming years.

The new deal, thrashed out over two days of extremely boring and expensive meetings, guarantees the use of the current turbocharged V6 hybrid engines until at least 2020 or whenever the last person stops watching.

‘This is great news for everyone who likes sport that isn’t too noisy,’ noted Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘And it certainly allays fears that F1 might accidentally make the cars more charismatic or interesting in the next four years.’

For those still worried that Formula 1 might become a bit too interesting in the foreseeable future, the new deal brought more good news in the form of a rule limiting each driver to three rather than five gearboxes per season, maximising the chances of tedious processions featuring bored men trying not to wear out various parts of their cars in case someone on a two-way radio shouts at them.

‘This is great news,’ said insomniac F1 fan Laslo Ptitts. ‘Now if only the sport would limit each driver to one front wing a year and have that front wing made of glass, I think we could finally achieve the dream of banishing all racing!’

‘We like this deal because it will make it easier to sell customer engines,’ said a spokesman for Honda. ‘Why are you laughing?’