Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Vergne to return to old job

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, November 27th, 2014

Jean-Eric Vergne, yesterday

Jean-Eric Vergne, yesterday

Following news that he has been dropped by Toro Rosso, Jean-Eric Vergne is to return to his old job as that irritatingly cool French snowboarding instructor your girlfriend fancies when you go on a week’s winter holiday in the Alps.

‘Zis is a job zat Jean-Eric loves,’ said one of his fellow instructors, casually drawing on an untipped Gitanes and staring wistfully down the valley, as if composing sensitive poetry in his head. ‘For sure, driving a Formula 1 car is satisfying. But not as satisfying as sweeping your snowboard to a perfect stop outside the equipment shop whilst smoking a cigarette without using your hands and then sauntering into the bar next door for a very small, strong coffee, strenuously pretending that you don’t know there are girls watching you.’

‘Jean-Eric is sorry to be leaving Toro Rosso after three seasons,’ said an official statement from Vergne’s management. ‘But he looks forward to getting back to meeting another man’s girlfriend on a skiing holiday and making her fall in love with his insouciant beany hat and casual snowboarding. If you would like to meet later, he will be sitting alone in Bar Roscoe in the village looking thoughtful whilst drinking a small, mysterious glass of spirits which he helped himself to from behind the counter because he knows the owner. Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?’

Qantas qock up

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, November 26th, 2014

Qantas, yesterday

Qantas, yesterday

There was concern in Australia today following news that Qantas is experiencing sudden and troubling problems with one of its 747s.

‘We just don’t know what’s going on,’ admitted Qantas boss Bruce ‘Bruce-o’ Bruce. ‘Suddenly the pilots can’t fly anywhere on time, the engines can’t give us enough power to get off the runway, and our ground staff have become a total shambles.’

‘We can only say sorry to all our loyal customers for this bizarre turn of events,’ said Qantas head of customer services Bruce Bruce-Bruce in a statement. ‘I really can’t apologise enough for how suddenly and inexplicably shit this 747 and everyone associated with it has become.’

The official apology clearly wasn’t enough for some customers. ‘I just can’t understand it. Everything seemed to go wrong the moment I got on board,’ said passenger Sam Michael, aged 43.

With thanks to Keith

Another Ferrari sacking

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, November 25th, 2014

Ferrari, yesterday

Ferrari, yesterday

Just a day after getting rid of F1 boss Marco Mattiacci, Ferrari has continued the witch hunt over its 2014 performance by sacking Sebastian Vettel.

‘We have looked very closely at why we did not succeed this season,’ said a Maranello source. ‘And we must conclude that Sebastian did nothing to help Ferrari to perform better. Quite the opposite in fact. For that reason, he must leave.’

‘His attendance was very poor,’ our mole continued. ‘And we have reason to believe he was engaged in completely unacceptable actions such as working for a rival team.’

‘However, this is not the main reason we have to sack Vettel,’ our insider revealed. ‘The main reason is because we must keep blaming individuals rather than realising we are the most comically dysfunctional team on the grid. There is no need to acknowledge this, as long as there are people to blame and then sack.’

Meanwhile, Mattiacci has been replaced by former Marlboro man Maurizio Arrivabuses who says he looks forward to stewarding F1’s most conspicuously piss-up-free brewery for an indeterminate period before his inevitable dismissal.

F1 bosses apologise

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, November 24th, 2014

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

Formula 1 bosses have apologised for the 2014 season after admitting it was ‘too interesting’.

‘We are deeply sorry for any excitement people may have experienced in this regrettable season,’ said an F1 spokesman. ‘With the dull engine sounds and some especially joyless tracks, we had high hopes for the sheer tedium of this season but unfortunately things went the other way and even our shitty, shitty double points idea couldn’t take the shine off it.’

‘We will be taking steps to ensure that the so-called ‘drama’ and ‘excitement’ of races like Britain and Hungary does not happen again,’ the spokesman explained.  ‘We must look to the Russian Grand Prix for an example of what F1 should be: An achingly tedious procession of cars driving around what appears to be a light industrial estate plastered in Rolex adverts.’

‘We must get back to the very spirit of Formula 1,’ the sport’s representative continued. ‘That is to say, an excuse for millions of people to have a nice nap on a Sunday afternoon.’

F1 organisers say some of the responsibility for reducing excitement must lie with the teams who will be encouraged to think carefully about their plans for next season. ‘A few more mid-level pay drivers wouldn’t hurt,’ an insider admitted. ‘And hopefully McLaren will ditch Jenson Button in favour of that chap who isn’t as good.’

The 2014 F1 championship decider

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, November 21st, 2014

HamRosshowdown

Golf R estate kills off all other cars

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, November 20th, 2014

The Golf R estate, yesterday

The Golf R estate, yesterday

Following Volkswagen’s announcement of the Golf R estate this week, all other cars are to be cancelled.

‘It’s basically frigged it for all of us,’ sighed a spokesman for a rival car company. ‘You want a quick car? It’s a quick car. You want a practical car? It’s a practical car. You want a comfortable car? It’s a comfortable car. So really, what’s the point in us bothering?’

According to market analysts, the problem for other car companies is exacerbated by VW’s habit of offering the Golf R with incredibly reasonable finance packages. ‘They’re bound to repeat that with the estate making it a very affordable car too,’ said one industry expert. ‘We predict that pretty soon all car forums will be full of people discussing the Golf R estate they have ordered, or are about to order. And that really leaves no room in the market for any other cars.’

As a result of Volkswagen creating all the car anyone could reasonably need, experts predict that within two years all other car companies will have closed down, leaving the global vehicle market as ‘vans, pickups, and the Golf R estate’.

‘Well this is rather awkward,’ said VW head of sales, Edov Sayles. ‘I’m not sure we’ve ordered enough of that blue paint.’

 

Vettel looking forward to ‘new level of disappointment’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, November 20th, 2014

Sebastian Vettel, yesterday

Sebastian Vettel, yesterday

Sebastian Vettel has finally announced his long-rumoured move to Ferrari today and says he is looking forward to the Italian team bringing him ‘a new level of constant disappointment’.

‘For sure, the Red Bull has been a great let down for Seb this season but there was always a risk the car could get better again next year,’ said a source close to the German driver. ‘That’s why Seb is making this move. No one knows more than Ferrari about the faint glimmer of promise undermined by constant, dispiriting disappointment.’

‘Seb has great affection for Red Bull of course,’ our source continued. ‘But after so many years he needs a fresh start at a fresh team with a fresh belief in their own divine right to win everything whilst not actually winning anything.’

‘Vettel loves to talk about being world champion again,’ noted Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘And by moving to Ferrari he can surround himself with people who also love to talk about being world champions again. Whilst of course not actually becoming world champions, even though they promised that this would be their season.’

‘Ha ha! What a dick!’ said Mark Webber, cheerily.

Struggling F1 teams looking forward to being told to piss off

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, November 20th, 2014

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

As their money woes worsen, the three smallest F1 teams are to meet with Bernie Ecclestone in Abu Dhabi this weekend so that he can tell them in person to piss off.

‘We have had lengthy written communications with Bernie about the state of our finances,’ said a spokesman for the Lotus, Sauber and Force India conglomerate. ‘But obviously you can’t beat a face-to-face situation in which you are told to piss off.’

‘This meeting is very important to us at this difficult time,’ the spokesman continued. ‘And we are greatly looking forward to being able to sit down with Bernie and hear him personally tell us to piss off.’

Sources in the paddock say Ecclestone is also taking this meeting extremely seriously and has cleared his schedule to ensure he can devote the necessary amount of time to gathering the three smallest teams together, and then telling them to piss off.

‘Bernie understands that Lotus, Sauber and Force India are not in a strong financial position,’ said an FOM insider. ‘And it’s vital to him that he gets the chance to be in the same room as them, shake hands with their team principals, and then tell them to piss off.’

‘People wrongly think that Bernie is motivated only by enhancing his personal fortune,’ the inside man continued. ‘The truth is, sometimes he’s very happy to be a total prick for free’.

McLaren driving personnel explanational communication

Posted in Motorsport, News by Ron Dennis on Wednesday, November 19th, 2014

RonDennisBylineFollowing an official McLaren statement about their impending decision on drivers, RON DENNIS clarifies the team’s current position

Felicitational greetings, earth peoples. You may have received aural or visual informational reportations of a recent communicational statement from McLaren regarding our projected future driving human arrangemental circumstances. I felt it was of primary importantness to give optimised clarifcational output regarding this matter.

At this moment in time, no decisional parameters have been established regarding vehicle operational responsibilities for the 2015 competitive endeavour period. McLaren has an ongoing decisional situation which will enter a period of resolutionation within the temporal hardpoints of the final 1/12th of the current annum.

The permutational situation is centralised around the following data: Driving module 1 (Button, J.) contains an optimised quantity of experiential aptitude. Driving module 2 (Magnussen, K.) could match or exceed projected levels of positional realisation and is fiscally optimal, when viewed as a relative integer.

The full analysis of this data is ongoing in parallel to organisational preparationess, re. the arrival of a primary driving module of Iberian origin which should be regarded at this moment in time as a matter of confidentialationess.

I have uploaded my personal data sets re. the vehicle operative selectional process and await the comparative parameters of my co-operatives at the Wokingised central control centre. It is sub-optimal at this time for me to engage in wider disseminational activities as regards my preferentialisationess, though it should be hard pointed that the Button human may have caused significant blottation re. his copy book after verbally communicating to me that I was a feminine genital part and should engage in sexualational congress with myself.

Communication ends.

 

 

Brands Hatch idiot sentenced

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, November 18th, 2014

Brands Hatch, yesterday

Brands Hatch, yesterday

A reckless lunatic who disrupted a motor race at Brands Hatch received his sentence yesterday.

The court heard that in October of this year Jason Plato, 47, drove a white and blue MG onto the track, endangering drivers in that weekend’s BTCC event.

Eye witnesses said Plato, currently unemployed, drove ‘like a maniac’ and eventually collided with a BMW driven by a Mr C. Turkington of Northern Ireland.

‘Let this be a lesson to anyone considering this sort of stunt,’ said Inspector Spooner of Kent Constabulary. ‘Yes, it might make you second in the driver’s championship. But all other drivers won’t like you.’

Mr Plato was sentenced to have his MG taken away and must spend the winter buying custard.