Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Crazy Dave reports on the Scottish referendum

Posted in News by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Friday, September 19th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on the Scottizzle Indepdenizzle Referendizzle, chattin’ wit’ you from ma spiritual home in tha Highlands. Of Monte Carlo.

So ma so solid SNP homie Ally Sal, he say Scotland should be a independent country and ting. And ma down on tha Downing Street homie D Cam, he be like, whatevs blood, you tink that’s what yo peeps want, let’s put it to tha vote. Powerizzle of democracizzle.

So, befo’ tha vote can happen, both sides gotta get into a smackdown ‘bout which is best. So all tha homies in London, they get ma big brow brother Al Darldiddy to tell everyone in Scotlizzle it be call ‘United Kingdom’ fo’ a reason, dumbasses. But, like, mo’ polite than that. Betterizzle togetherizzle.

But see, ma first minister bredren Ally Sal, he ain’t buying that. He say Scotlizzle don’t wanna be told what to do and wanna got its own shizzle goin’ down fo’ tha taxatizzle and educatizzle and keepin’ all tha money from the Nozzle Seazzle oilizzle.

Then tings get real serious. Ally Sal say this be a once in a lifetizzle oportunizzle and Al Darldiddy say dat be ‘xactly why you don’t wanna do any ting stupid and then tha no homies say, yo ain’t gonna have no military and the yes brothers say, but we go yo’ nuclear submarizzles and then tha big businizzles say they leave town if Scotlizzle become independizzle and ma miserable tennis muthafunker AndMu says he wanna yes vote and every homie be askin’, what do Seanizzle Connerizzle think?

Come tha X in a box day it be lookin’ close but when ma vote countin’ homies ‘cross tha nation be done wit’ they thang, dis is what ma brothas and sisters in Scotland be sayin’ aboot independence: Och aye tha… no.

As we say in here in Monaco; nae bother pal. Peace out.

Chevy reveals harder Camaro

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, September 18th, 2014

The new Camaro, yesterday

The new Camaro, yesterday

Chevrolet is taking the fight to the 707 horsepower Dodge Challenger Hellcat with a power boost for the Camaro dubbed the High Output Motor Option or HOMO.

‘Listen son, we got a stronger motor, we got bigger brakes, we got new interior parts. This HOMO has a great package,’ said Chevy spokesman Jim Fuddrucker. ‘Trust me boy, this HOMO is going to take the Hellcat’s ass and pound it hard.’

Although GM won’t give an exact power output for the new Camaro’s 7-litre LS7 V8, Fuddrucker did give some insight into its characteristics. ‘This ain’t some racing motor that don’t give you any power until the top end,’ he insisted. ‘Quite the opposite. This HOMO goes hard at the bottom.’

‘This vehicle is set up for the track,’ Fuddrucker continued. ‘I warn you now, this HOMO with give you a hard ride. I mean it’s so stiff. But if you’re on the start line and you nail it, this HOMO is going to pull you off… Hell, why’s you laughing again? Come on now, let’s all just go play beach volleyball in slow motion.’

Scottish debate reaches Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, September 18th, 2014

Sir Jackie Stewart's trousers, yesterday

Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers, yesterday

As Scotland votes on its future today, political leaders on both sides of the debate have warned that, whatever the outcome, there are no guarantees as to who would get Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers.

‘Alex Salmond has promised many things,’ said a spokesman for the Better Together campaign. ‘But voters have a right to know that he cannot promise an independent Scotland would not get Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers.’

However, a representative for the pro-independence movement insisted it was too early to say either way. ‘In the event of Scotland’s separation there are many details to be worked out,’ she said. ‘And that would include making sure we did everything in our powers to give Sir Jackie Stewart trousers to the English.’

On the streets of Glasgow, people on both sides of the vote had strong opinions about the Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers issue. ‘This is why Scotland should remain part of the UK,’ insisted one passer-by. ‘So we can share the awful responsibility for Sir Jackie Stewart trousers and take turns having to look at how dreadful they are.’

Pro-separationists were equally vocal, however; ‘Scotland doesnae want or need the burden of Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers,’ said one proud ‘yes’ voter. ‘Independence is a chance for Scotland to shake off the terrible problems of the past and that includes Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers.’

Although feelings are clearly running high over this matter, some members of the public took a more even view of the Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers problem. ‘Sir Jackie Stewart is a proud Scot,’ said one man. ‘And I’m sure he’ll do whatever is right for Scotland, from his mansion in Buckinghamshire.’

Last remaining unmodified RX-7 dies

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, September 17th, 2014

The last remaining unmodified RX-7 in happier times, yesterday

The last remaining unmodified RX-7 in happier times, yesterday

The world’s only remaining unmodified Mazda RX-7 has died in captivity in Japan. It was 12 years old.

The only remaining unmodified RX-7 was rescued from its owner seven years ago, moments before it was grotesquely disfigured with a bodykit. For the rest of its life, it bore scars on its doors from attempts to fit them with a massive line of stick-on logos. At the time rescuers noted that if they hadn’t intervened the RX-7’s rear quarters were probably just days away from the ‘atrocity’ of a crude blowover with some flip paint.

After being rescued, the one remaining unmodified RX-7was taken to the Wakayama Institute of Car Protection where it was safely shielded from insane levels of rear camber, idiotically massive replacement turbos and aftermarket boost gauges crudely wedged between the dashboard and the A-pillar.

The cause of the last remaining unmodified RX-7’s death is not yet known but probably something to do with rotor seals.

As a mark of respect, 50 RX-7 owners will gather outside WIoCP on Friday to rev their engines simultaneously and weirdly smoothly. They will then stop because quite a lot of blue smoke is coming out.

New Formula E ideas

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, September 16th, 2014

Some Formula E, yesterday

Some Formula E, yesterday

Days after the inaugural Formula E race in China, organisers have revealed plans to use the enormous amount of time before the second race of the season in November to make the electric race series more interesting.

‘Basically Baz forgot to pack more than one foreign plug adaptor and it’s going to take about two months to charge up all the cars,’ admitted a senior source within the new formula. ‘But the good news is, that’ll give us loads of time to bring in even more fan interactivity.’

‘The whole “fan boost” thing was an idiotic idea but it seemed to pass by unnoticed in the race,’ our mole continued. ‘So what we’re thinking now is, maybe it wasn’t idiotic enough.’

According to our source, concepts so far discussed at Formula E HQ include letting fans vote on which driver has the cockpit of their second car filled with custard or which driver must come in to change their car and also to change into a costume that makes them look like a massive cartoon eagle. Also suggested is a live online participation exercise in which Karun Chandhok is forced to shout the word ‘FLAPJACK’ whenever a certain number of Tweets is reached, even if he’s giving an interview or discussing set-up with his engineer at the time. There will also be a Facebook vote to decide which driver will try to kill Nick Heidfeld.

‘We’ve got loads more ideas,’ claimed our insider. ‘Most of them involving gunge and funny costumes. What we’re aiming for here is basically a motorsport version of It’s A Knockout. Has anyone got a number for Stuart Hall? What? He’s where…?’

Relatively little violence at Revival

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, September 15th, 2014

The Goodwood Revival in full swing, yesterday

The Goodwood Revival in full swing, yesterday

Police and organisers have hailed this weekend’s Goodwood Revival ‘the best yet’ with arrests down markedly on last year’s event, especially for violent crime and murder.

A spokesman for Sussex police said the event began quietly on Friday with just five arrests for assault, 16 for knife attacks and 103 for drug offences including 28 for dealing mephedrone or ‘meow meow’ during a performance by barber’s shop quartet Three Plus One.

Saturday was said to be equally peaceful, save for 12 incidences of looting and a brutal robbery that injured nine in the area adjacent to the Pimm’s tent, whilst Sunday was marred only by 19 arrests for grievous bodily harm and a vicious gun battle between two rivals gangs which left three dead and 21 wounded just before the start of the St Mary’s Cup race for racing saloon cars from between 1950-59.

Attacks on police officers were also down with just 46 across the whole weekend and the total would have been even lower but for a brutal riot that broke out  just before Saturday’s Chichester Cup for rear-engined junior formula racing cars built before 1964.

Despite these incidents, police praised organisers for working hard to make the event safer and noted that some areas of the Revival site were ‘much safer’ this year with ‘noticeably fewer’ crack whores and the removal of the meth squat immediately adjacent to the Barrington & Cresby thornproof tweed stand.

Also on a positive note, numbers were up when it came to on-site refreshments as visitors guzzled their way through over 600,000 litres of strong lager and 750,000 bottles of WKD, the only stats to rise significantly over last year’s event aside from those for muggings and arson!

F1 teams react to FIA radio ruling

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, September 11th, 2014

An F1 race, yesterday

An F1 race, yesterday

F1 teams have reacted immediately to the FIA’s decision to ban ‘driver performance’ radio messages during races with at least one senior figure calling it ‘loco 7 at X4, as discussed.’

Another race engineer was equally outspoken, calling the decision ‘warm 5 is max and smooth for go strat 8 to 9, repeat smooth for go strat 8 to 9.’

However, a source at another leading team was more cautious, noting that the ruling was ‘green to 12J for seven, the blue cow is sitting on nine leaves. Sitting. On. Nine. Leaves.’

Meanwhile, a well-known senior figure from an Oxfordshire-based team took a different view. ‘Oh Jesus,’ he sighed. ‘I’m going to have to give Felipe written instructions.’

 

 

 

 

VW in Passat confusion

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, September 11th, 2014

An Passat, yesterday

An Passat, yesterday

There was embarrassment in Germany today as Volkswagen admitted it can’t remember if it has announced a new Passat.

‘We’re pretty certain we announced a new Passat a few weeks ago,’ said a VW insider. ‘We think it was probably about the size of a Passat and looked like a bit like a Passat but we can’t really remember anything about it. Perhaps we didn’t announce it after all.’

A source within the Wolfsburg R&D department says engineers are ‘almost certain’ they worked on a new Passat over the past three or four years following a board-level directive to ‘make some Passat please’ but are now having second thoughts and believe they ‘might have imagined it’.

A spokesman for the VW marketing department seemed less confused. ‘We definitely announced a new Passat earlier this year,’ he insisted. ‘Look, I have a picture of it here. Oh wait, this is the old Passat.’

Moments ago a high ranking mole within VW HQ confirmed to Sniff Petrol that the company has decided to assume it didn’t make a brand new Passat after all and is going to start again from scratch. ‘I can’t say too much at the moment,’ our insider confided. ‘But I think the new project can be summed up in one word. Errrrm… Passat.’

Look out Apple Watch!

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, September 10th, 2014

An Apple timepiece, yesterday

An Apple timepiece, yesterday

Just hours after the announcement of the Apple Watch, car makers have jumped on the ‘wearable device’ bandwagon by announcing their own branded smart watches.

First out of the traps is Audi whose TTime features a trapezium-shaped face framed by annoyingly bright LED lights. Those who have tried a TTime prototype say it has a sport mode that makes it really uncomfortable and add that it can be read only if it is held far too close to your face.

Meanwhile, Alfa has announced its own smart watch featuring a variation of the company’s unique DNA control which makes the watch progressively more annoying and worse. The Alfa WatchFiveSix was due to be based on a Fiat watch but that project was cancelled and it will now be related to a Maserati watch. According to Sergio Marchionne, the Alfa watch will sell over 47 billion units by 2018, although it will probably have broken by then.

Marchionne has also had an influence on the new Ferrari smart watch which was to be a bespoke piece made in strictly limited numbers until Luca di Montezemolo decided to be sacked. Now the new device will be a Fiat Punto watch with a Ferrari badge crudely stuck to it. It will be launched as the ‘F1 2014 Tributo’ edition which, disappointingly, will run slow.

Over in Japan, Toyota announced its smart device and then immediately recalled it after discovering a possible problem with the stopwatch while Subaru had no such trouble with its WRX STime which is blue with gold buttons, ticks in a very distinctive way and has an inexplicable switch that makes it very, very slightly brighter.

Not to be outdone, Lotus has announced its own smart device which is based on a watch from 1996 but tweaked to run a bit faster and Morgan released first details of a wooden and aluminium wrist-mounted sundial.

Finally, Jaguar came up with a beautifully designed and extremely advanced watch but then accidentally hired a piss-poor amateur dramatics group to announce it.

Marchionne to become Pope

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, September 10th, 2014

A mad person, yesterday

A mad person, yesterday

Fiat Group boss Sergio Marchionne is to become the supreme leader of the Catholic church following his decision to allow Pope Francis to ‘step down’.

The FCA leader and the current pontiff are said to have disagreed over Marchionne’s ideas for the church, based around aggressive expansion in ‘emerging markets’ and thousands of new churches based on the Fiat 500L platform.

‘At the moment there are about 1.2 billion Catholics in the world but Marchionne wants to expand that to 5 billion within four years,’ said industry analyst Ian Dustreanalist. ‘It’s ambitious, deranged and also more realistic than his plan to sell 400,000 Alfas by 2018.’

A spokesman for Pope Francis said the outgoing Bishop of Rome was ‘delighted’ to be ‘stepping down’ and was ‘looking forward to spending more time with his famil… no, wait, not that.’

A statement from FCA headquarters said Marchionne had bought a special papal woolly sweater and was working on new plans to integrate Fiat and Roman Catholicism so that he could more easily spew out years and years of bullshit about them whilst seemingly making no progress whatsoever.