Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Domenicali ‘swapped for engine’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, April 15th, 2014

MercDomenicaliswapReports from Italy have confirmed that Stefano Domenicali did not resign from Ferrari as claimed yesterday and was actually used as a swap for a Mercedes engine.

‘The F14 T is not powerful enough,’ an insider confided to Sniff Petrol last night. ‘And the team was sick of Stefano capering about the factory doing impressions of Eric Morecambe rather than concentrating on new wind tunnel data and such like. This secret deal to swap him for a Mercedes engine solves both problems at once.’

Our Ferrari mole confirmed that a Mercedes V6 was covertly handed to the team this morning and will be installed in Fernando Alonso’s car prior to this weekend’s Chinese Grand Prix. ‘Fernando will stop at nothing to win so he gets the Mercedes engine,’ our spy explained. ‘Whereas Kimi doesn’t even know who he’s driving for and will be happy as long as there’s enough Grey Goose in his drinks bottle.’

In return for supplying an engine that isn’t total dog shit, the Mercedes GP team gets full ownership of bespectacled being-on-television enthusiast Stefano Domenicali to do with as they choose. Sources in Brackley recently admitted that the team was worried many of its senior personnel come across as Germanic and sinister during TV interviews and it’s possible they will appoint the affable Domenicali as official spokesman to mitigate those concerns.

However, it seems more like that the ex-team principal will be kept at the Merc factory and used by Toto Wolff for ‘experiments’.

That Domenicali resignation statement in full

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, April 14th, 2014

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Stefano Domenicali, yesterday

Stefano Domenicali today resigned from his position as team principal of Ferrari F1 with immediate effect. Here is his resignation statement.

“It is with some sadness that I must announce my decision to be ordered to resign from Scuderia Ferrari.

It has been clear for some time that the team is underperforming in many important areas such as being a guest on race preview programmes, popping up during grid walks and magically appearing next to pundits during post-race analysis.

It was my job to undertake those tasks but I became distracted with less important matters such as running the team and trying to make the car work properly. As such, I take full responsibility for not appearing on Formula 1 television coverage as constantly as I would have liked.

I wish my replacement every success in having a casual chat with Martin Brundle on the grid or sidling up to Suzi Perry and David Coulthard in the pit lane.

Following my resignation I look forward to spending some more time with my family of television crews.”

Lambo announces new initiative

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, April 14th, 2014

PrecrashedAventador

A brand new Aventador awaiting delivery, yesterday

Lamborghini has announced that, following extensive market research amongst its customer base, all of its cars will now be delivered ‘pre-crashed’.

‘We have learned two important things about our customers,’ said the company’s marketing boss Sergio Boolshitta. ‘Firstly, they are cash rich and time poor. And secondly, they are total assholes. By delivering a car to them with the panels damaged and the chassis bent we are saving them the trouble of driving like a total fucking idiot and inevitably smacking it into a lamp post.’

Sant’Agata sources say anyone buying a pre-clattered Huracan or Aventador will be able to order the optional Tuba di You package which includes annoyingly portrait-format cameraphone footage of their new supercar as a highly trained factory test driver races it down a city street at 115mph and twats it into a parked car.

‘Pre-crashing our new cars will be a great bonus to the average Lamborghini customer,’  said Boolshitta. ‘And it will give them more time to find other ways of being, as we say in Italy, un grande bellende’.

Merc makes X6 fighter

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, April 11th, 2014

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The Mercedes Concept Coupe SUV, yesterday

Mercedes this week revealed its Concept Coupe SUV, a prelude to the forthcoming MLC production car which will aim to beat BMW’s X6 in the race to sell cars to utterly ghastly people.

‘For too long BMW has had its own way in selling cars to fucking dreadful human beings,’ admitted Merc marketing director Marc Merketing-Direktor. ‘The Concept Coupe SUV shows that we too understand how to appeal to customers who are a despicable waste of blood and organs’.

Mercedes insiders say that in order to ensure the Concept Coupe SUV hit the spot, its design team spent several months wearing vile gold jewellery and living in hideous new-build houses, strutting around with a thick-necked sense of entitlement. Sources say this phase of the design process was so realistic, one designer accidentally married a dim-witted, grapefruit-titted, orange-skinned skeleton.

‘We really think we have what it takes to beat the BMW X6,’ Merketing-Direktor boasted. ‘In future, this will be the first choice of car for what, in German, are known as “cuntz”’.

Bentley reveals new hybrid system

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 10th, 2014

MulsanneHybrid

The new Mulsanne Hybrid, yesterday

Bentley has announced details of a new Mulsanne concept powered by a radical hybrid system that operates off a combination of petrol and the tears of the poor.

‘At the heart of the system is a conventional 6.75-litre V8,’ explained new engine technology manager Miles Pergallon. ‘And this is combined with a high pressure system filled with fresh, salty tears harvested from poor people using a range of techniques such as taking away their television or buying a big bucket of KFC meat items and then simply throwing it straight into the bin in front of their pale, pinched little faces. Ha ha haaaaaa.’

‘The really clever part is that it can work on things other than the rancid eye water of the underclasses,’  Pergallon cackled. ‘For example, the despair of the unemployed, the noise made by smashing up an orphanage or the fumes created from senselessly burning down a branch of Lidl’.

However, the most remarkable part of Bentley’s new petrol / low income suffering hybrid is that, unlike all comparable systems, it actually increases fuel consumption. ‘Our customers like to be reminded that they can afford it and nothing does that like reassuringly inflated fuel bills combined with the anguish of the disadvantaged’ Pergallon notes. ‘Mwaaah-ha-haaaaa,’ he added, menacingly.

‘I disapprove of any car fitted with this system,’ said the chancellor, George Osborne. ‘And I have shown my disapproval by ordering three’.

New PSA boss has plan

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 9th, 2014

Tavares

Tavares, yesterday

New PSA CEO Carlos Tavares has announced his plan to make Peugeot and Citroen profitable again by ‘not being shit’.

Tavares, who used to play up front for Manchester City, has set out a long term vision for both companies which encompasses plans to stop offering shit in Europe, to sell more cars in China that aren’t shit, and to expand into other developing markets where customers expect cars not to be shit.

Tavares, who used to be a five piece funk and soul ensemble, is said to have started his new role by conducting a thorough analysis of PSA’s development processes, supply chain, production methods and factory portfolio before concluding that in fact the issue is making too many cars that are shit.

Tavares, who used to be a city in central Florida, has now instructed designers, engineers and marketing staff throughout PSA to ‘stop making shit’ though privately he has warned it may take several years to fully bring PSA back to health by also phasing out all cars that are toss, wank and bollocks.

Car salesmen’s success boosts economy

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, April 4th, 2014

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Some cars, yesterday

Figures released today show that car sales have risen at their fastest rate for a decade and this good news for car salesmen is having a positive effect on the economy as a whole.

Clothing retailers report that sales of mid-priced off-the-peg suits with abnormally wide lapels are up 14.7 percent, whilst jewellers have seen a 17.2 percent rise in idiotically large watches with lots of gold detailing on them. Meanwhile, the perfume sector is claiming a massive 27.8 percent rise in sales of obnoxiously pungent after shaves that ill-conceal the smell of the Benson & Hedges you had round the back of the showroom 10 minutes earlier.

Furthermore, the boom times for car salesmen combined with an increasingly buoyant property market mean Britain has seen an unprecedented 19.6 percent rise in lies, insincerity, and unreturned phone calls.

Land Rover accidentally designs SAAB

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 3rd, 2014

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The new SAAB SUV, yesterday

There was embarrassment at Land Rover today as a teaser for the forthcoming Discovery concept revealed that the company has accidentally designed a SAAB.

‘I think I can see how this has happened,’ admitted one Land Rover insider. ‘We wanted the next generation Discovery to have an architectural feel so we got the design team to read a load of architecture magazines. Next thing you know, they’re all wearing black roll necks and extremely slim framed spectacles. It’s only natural they would start thinking about SAABs, especially as one of them also went to the dentist.’

Others within the company’s Gaydon headquarters were less willing to accept that Land Rover had accidentally made a vital new model too SAABy. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, it’s nothing like a SAAB,’ insisted one high ranking design manager. ‘I mean, would a SAAB have a sharply raked C-pillar and aircraft inspired… OH GOD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE?’

However, Land Rover Design Director & Head Of All Design Ever, Geraldine McGovern, was unrepentant. ‘Premiumness, emotionalosity, erm… all-terrainasiousness,’ he said. ‘I invented car design,’ he added.

Alfa announces new app

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, March 27th, 2014

AlfaAppAlfa Romeo has announced a new app that will allow its fans to keep track of whatever the Italian car maker’s half arsed plans are today.

Called iNdecision, the new app is centred around a homepage on which Alfa can proudly declare its new plans for the future and then immediately announce that it has cancelled them. ‘This will be the only place to get immediate news about the twentieth redesign of the new Giulia saloon, even though it hasn’t even been announced yet,’ boasted Alfa’s senior app developer, Signor Appdevelopore. ‘Our aim is to have minute-by-minute updates of our plans to create a new sports car, then to not do that, then to start talking about a rear-wheel-drive saloon, then to cancel that and talk about a new hatchback, then to cancel everything and start again.’

However, the new app isn’t just about keeping track of Alfa’s apparent inability to know what the fuck to do with itself, as Appdevelopore explains. ‘Using this application, you will also be able to browse our current mainstream range including the MiTo, the Giulietta… erm… the MiTo… umm… did I mention the Giulietta already?’

The Alfa iNdecision app will be available for download only in America, no wait, only in Europe, or at least it will be developed in Europe, but it will be mainly focussed on America, or maybe China, no wait, it’s all about being Italian, or maybe there will be a new strategy for it but they’re waiting for a sweater wearing lunatic to decide what it is this week.

The new app has been cancelled.

Red Bull apologises for ‘Mark spec’ part

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, March 24th, 2014

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Daniel Ricciardo, yesterday

Red Bull has apologised to Daniel Ricciardo after admitting that he was disqualified from the Australian Grand Prix as a result of having a ‘Mark spec’ fuel flow meter.

‘The mechanics were tired from getting the car ready, they heard an Aussie accent in the cockpit, without thinking they fitted the Webber-grade part,’ admitted an insider. ‘That is  to say, a part that isn’t as good as the one on the other car and can be used to punish Mark if he dares to beat Sebastian.’

Red Bull sources say that the race was already in progress by the time they remembered that Mark Webber no longer drives for them and there is no need to engineer-in reliability glitches or strategic failures in order to enact an ongoing series of crushing disappoints and public humiliations.

‘Daniel is new to the team and we must do everything we can to support him at this early stage,’ a Red Bull source said.  ‘If he’s faster than Seb we’re certainly not going to crush his spirit…yet.’