Archive for the ‘News’ Category

There was shock across the world today after a High Court ruling finally allowed popular Top Gear racing driver The Stig to reveal his identity.

‘I was frankly shocked,’ said one Top Gear fan outside the court room. ‘I had no idea it was… sorry, what’s his name?’

Other fans of the BBC motoring show were equally aghast at the news. ‘I couldn’t believe it!’ wrote one contributor to a Top Gear discussion forum. ‘To think all this time it was a bloke whose name I’ve only just been told but now can’t remember!’

However, some Top Gear viewers were less easily confused. ‘I knew all along it was Lewis Collins,’ said one ardent Top Gear enthusiast. ‘He was quite good at driving in The Professionals and his drumming with Genesis was great. No, wait, who were we talking about again? Bootsy Collins?’

Meanwhile, other fans were less certain. ‘It’s Pauline Collins out of Shirley Valentine?’ wrote one confused fan on a BBC message board. ‘God, that race suit really covered up how small and Liverpudlian she is. And that she’s almost 70 years old. Fair play to her.’

Despite the confusion, the thoughts of all Top Gear viewers seemed to be summed up by one anonymous contributor to a news discussion group. ‘The revelation about this Joan Collins person is amazing,’ they wrote. ‘I look forward to being able to buy a book all about someone I have never heard of and in whom I have literally no interest whatsoever.’

There were mass protests in the United States this week over plans to build a brand new Formula 1 track on American soil.

‘We don’t want this kinda thing round these parts,’ said one man who lives close to the site of the proposed track. ‘This here is America. These Eur-o-peens can’t jus’ walk in and build some fancy race track with “corners” and other things I don’t understand and am therefore afraid of.’

Other locals were equally outraged; ‘Building a Formula 1 track here is insensitive to those we’ve lost in NASCAR,’ said a lady carrying a large placard that read simply ‘God made ovals for a reason’.

‘I read about this F1 business and let me tell you this: High revvin’ engines? Carbon fibre? These things ain’t natural and we don’t want ‘em here. I don’t even wanna know what a “Parc Ferme” is but it sounds spicy and disgusting.’

Other protesters seemed equally angry, though some were clearly also confused. ‘No right thinking American would want a part of this F1 thing except that Michael Andretti and I heard he was a Muslim,’ said one toothless loony. ‘No, wait, not “a Muslim”. I meant “shit”.’

How the GM sale might look, yesterday

General Motors this week applied for permission to hold a garage sale in order to raise the money it needs to support itself.

The sale, which will take place later this year on the front lawn of GM’s mom’s house, is expected to be one of the largest ever held in the United States and will give people in GM’s neighbourhood the chance to buy items the auto giant no longer wants, such as the Pontiac Aztec and Bob Lutz.

‘Oh man, this is gonna be so awesome,’ said a GM spokesman yesterday. ‘When Dave first suggested it I was like, no way. And he was all like, yes way. And so I was like, yea okay. And so, like, now we’re totally doin’ the sale. I’m gonna sell lemonade. It’s gonna be wicked awesome man.’

Not everyone was so convinced by news of GM’s forthcoming sale, however. ‘Wait, they want money for this?’ questioned an American tax payer examining some of the things likely to be at the sale. ‘But didn’t I, like, already pay for this stuff?’

Patrick Head has surprised F1 observers during the normally quiet August recess by offering anything and anyone outside for a FIGHT.

‘Come on you BASTARDS,’ Head reportedly ROARED to no one in particular as he STAMPEDED through a supermarket car park near his Oxfordshire home.

‘Let’s have it then,’ the clearly ENRAGED Williams Engineering Director continued. ‘I’ll FUCKING have you!’

Onlookers say Head then RAMPAGED into a nearby park and PUNCHED a small tree until it fell over a bit.

The FURIOUS Williams lynchpin was subsequently spotted THUNDERING through a small pond GRABBING at ducks and BELLOWING ‘Head hungry! Hunnnnnngryyyyyy!’

A short while later, the GRUNTING team co-founder was spotted climbing up a five storey building, SWIPING at pigeons as he did so before being found ASLEEP in a SKIP with BITS OF SQUIRREL all over his face.

‘This is nothing to worry about,’ insisted a Williams spokesman. ‘Patrick was probably just a bit bored and peckish. As long as no zoo animals died this time I think we’re okay.’

Last week Vauxhall announced a brand new ‘lifetime warranty’ for all new cars and this week Sniff Petrol exclusively uncovered details of Kia’s radical new ‘infinite warranty’ for its range. Now Proton has revealed its own improved warranty offering, based around the company’s relationship with oscillating buffoon Dane Bowers of never-popular boyband Another Portion.

Called Proton DanePlan, the new scheme promises that if your car develops a fault, Dane Bowers himself will eventually turn up, sweating profusely, to see what he can do to fix it.

‘Other manufacturers may offer long warranties but if you need to use them you’re required to visit a dealership,’ said a Proton spokesman. ‘Only Proton DanePlan promises that you can relax at home, safe in the knowledge that a grunting oaf is breathlessly on his way to you.’

Proton sources say they are able to implement this unique warranty scheme for two reasons. First of all, because they only sell six cars a year in the UK. And secondly, because Dane Bowers needs the work.

‘This plan really will deliver,’ promised their spokesman. ‘As soon as you call us to report a problem with your car, Dane will be dispatched so that he is there within a matter of hours, depending of course on where you live and how many branches of Greggs there are on his route.’

Not everyone is completely convinced by the Proton DanePlan, however. ‘Dane Bowers turned up at my house once,’ said Prestel Switchboard of Sodding Hell. ‘Not because I have a Proton but because he was waddling past and smelt that I had a pie cooking. He subsequently got this weird green stuff on all my chairs, and made an extraordinary mess in the lavatory, the bulbous idiot.’

Following Vauxhall’s announcement of a new ‘lifetime warranty’, Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal that Kia is poised to hit back with a radical pledge of its own.

Under the new Kia Infinite Warranty Plan, anyone buying one of the company’s cars will be covered for absolutely any unforeseen problem from now until the end of time.

‘This is the most complete warranty car buyers have ever been offered,’ said a company spokesman. ‘If the clutch fails on your car, we will cover it. If the radio goes wrong, we will replace it. If you deliberately drive into a river, we will get you out again. If the roof on your house starts leaking, we will fix it. If your dog goes lame, we will buy it some new legs. If your wife leaves you, we will get you a new one.’

‘There really is nothing the Infinite Warranty won’t cover,’ he continued. ‘From today, anyone who buys one of our cars will have the reassurance of knowing they are completely covered against everything from a worn wheel bearing and covering up the bloodbath following a botched cocaine deal to a faulty electric window motor and creating a diversion after you accidentally call Dame Judi Dench a “slag” at a party. There really is nothing this warranty won’t cover. Except feet.’

Meanwhile, Lotus has announced that it is not to be outdone in the uprated warranty stakes and has recently invested in some new Sellotape.

Car makers will in future be forced to find ever more specialised niches if they are to survive warns a leading car industry analyst.

Professor Ken Freeply of Nigel Havers College, Kettering says he has spend the last three or four hours thinking about this and is ‘pretty certain it’s not bollocks.’

‘At the moment we see car companies, especially German ones, chasing new but fairly broad niches. Mercedes offers the B-class for that tiny group of people who find the A-class too small, VW builds the Passat CC for that minority who want a family saloon with a lower roof, BMW is about to launch the Mini Countryman for a segment of customers seeking a car that is fat and disgusting. But this is just the tip of the iceberg.’

Prof. Freeply predicts that modern, flexible manufacturing techniques will make it possible for companies to offer even more specialised niche models for very specific customer demands. ‘Many car makers already offer different suspension set-ups for different markets, but quite soon I believe they will go further. Imagine a Volkswagen Polo specifically tailored for people who live in Ipswich. Or a Ford Mondeo-based car with a body style designed around the needs of people called Ian.’

‘The possibilities really are boundless,’ Prof. Freeply continues. ‘Once upon a time if you said, my name is Sally, I live in Oxford and I have medium sized feet, there would be no specific model of car for you. But in future there will be, even if you also don’t like cottage cheese very much.’

Prof. Freeply later denied that his theories were ‘shit’.

There was outcry from eco-campaigners today following news that George Monbiot is to be switched off.

The switch off is the result of an announcement by The Guardian that it is to stop funding Mr Monbiot as part of an overall cut in spending on self-righteousness.

‘We have decided to turn off George Monbiot later this year as part of our commitment to end the war on our readers,’ said a statement from the newspaper. ‘We will instead pursue more effects methods of dismal, hand wringing invective.’

The announcement was met with scepticism by some campaigners. ‘Switching off George Monbiot will be a disaster,’ said Jocasta Bean-Curd of left-wing action group SANDAL. ‘Without the safety of his weak, sanctimonious drivel in the paper how will I know what to become impotently annoyed about?’

The Guardian has sought to appease protesters with a promise that once Mr Monbiot is switched off all of his old opinions will be recycled. Again.

The new Audi A7, yesterday

There was embarrassment in Germany today as Audi was forced to admit it couldn’t remember the point of its new A7.

‘We are pretty sure we had a point in mind when we started,’ admitted a spokesman. ‘But that was quite a while ago and we are, as you say in England, buggered if we can remember it now.’

One senior Ingolstadt source said they were ‘almost certain’ there was a piece of research that suggested a number of buyers were looking for a car that was inexplicably bigger than an A6 but not as big as an A8. ‘I’m pretty sure I saw it in a meeting, erm… somewhere,’ she said. ‘But I am, as you say in England, fucked if I know when.’

‘There must be a reason for it,’ said another insider. ‘I mean, it’s not the sort of thing you would just dream. Even though it’s a massive luxury car that’s also a hatchback, which is, as you say in England, twatting silly.’

One senior Audi manager admitted that the company had already formed a committee with the express intention of thinking up a reason why the A7 wasn’t a waste of everyone’s time. ‘We have to come up with something fast,’ he admitted. ‘Because frankly we are, as you say in England, shitting ourselves.’

‘There must be some point to it,’ our mole continued. ‘Having looked at the car in profile again, I wonder if it was something to do with a defecating dog’.

An BP garage, yesterday

There was a fresh crisis for BP today as the company suffered another massive leak, this time centred around its service station on the A361 near Cresston Vestibule in Devon.

Sources say the leak this time is not of oil, but of piss.

‘I can confirm that the leak is centred around the men’s lavatory area of the Cresston Vestibule services,’ said BP spokesman Carl Wash. ‘However, rest assured we have people looking into it… for as long as they can stand the smell’.

Some environmentalists, however, have already accused BP of doing too little, too late. ‘I have visited this site for myself and I can confirm there has been a massive lake of piss on the floor of the men’s bogs for ages now,’ said Tron Sandalls from action group Green Devon. ‘This environmental travesty affects us all, especially if we’re bursting for a slash and don’t want to get the hems of our trouser legs all wet’.

The Environment Agency has warned against trying to avoid the ever-growing piss lake by using the cubicle instead. ‘Several days ago somebody used that cubicle,’ stated a visibly shaken Agency diver. ‘I don’t know what they’d eaten, I don’t want to know, but the mess is simply unbelievable and it’s not going to flush away in a hurry’.

In light of this new disaster BP is currently advising people to stay away from the Cresston Vestibule men’s loo ‘unless you’re really bursting… and not wearing flip flops’.

Local police say other motorists would be better off continuing to the Esso station at Sheepley Monghat which has ‘a relatively dry floor and only one unsettling smear on the wall’