Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Massa spotted behaving strangely

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, January 19th, 2017

Felipe Massa, yesterday

There was confusion in Brazil this week as Felipe Massa was seen emerging from a restaurant after a long meal, and then immediately going back in and returning to his table even though he had clearly finished.

‘I just don’t know why he went back in again,’ said one onlooker, Juan Enlouka. ‘He’d had a long time at the table already, surely he should have given it to someone else?’

‘I don’t understand why the restaurant would let him back in,’ said another witness. ‘Sure, he usually finishes every meal, if not always very quickly, but now it should be someone else’s turn to eat.’

Massa’s restaurant return is just one of several unusual things the panda-like driver has been spotted doing this week. ‘I gather Felipe was seen going into a public lavatory for some time, then he came out, turned around and went straight back in again, even though there were several younger people outside who deserved to use the facilities,’ explained Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘I hear that later the same day he was spotted coming out of a phone box and then immediately going back in, even though there was someone else who could have used the phone and would have made a quicker call.’

Reports of Massa’s apparent desire to go back into places he should admit it was his time to vacate have now reached his family home in Sao Paulo. ‘This is very strange,’ said his mother. ‘I’m keeping my legs crossed just in case.’

 

Bottas signs Mercedes contract

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, January 17th, 2017

Italy shocked by Fiat cheat claims

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, January 13th, 2017

Fiat, yesterday

Fiat, yesterday

As the EPA accuses Fiat Chrysler of cheating US diesel emissions tests, the Italian car industry has reacted with shock at news that one of their number should be found behaving in a less-than-scrupulous way.

‘I cannot believe that they would distort or exaggerate numbers,’ sighed a Lamborghini spokesman at the launch of the new 1100 horsepower, 800 kilo Aventador R.

‘It is such a shame that they felt the need to cheat,’ agreed a Ferrari engineer, unloading two identical 488s from a lorry for a magazine story and then insisting that the second one should only be used for the straight line tests.

‘You know, it is so disappointing that they would not play by the rules,’ added a former Lancia rally car designer, moving some flimsy magnesium tubes while struggling to count to 200.

In Turin, however, the mood remained bullish. ‘Look, there’s no way I’m not going to be able to bullshit my way out of this one,’ explained FCA boss, Sergio Marchionne. ‘Come on, I’m the guy who kept his job even after signing off the Fiat 500L.’

The 2017 Detroit Auto Show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, January 11th, 2017

The Detroit Auto Show takes place in the home of the Big Three who this year celebrated this fact by literally not being arsed to show anything new or interesting because they were too busy pretending that business decisions made months ago were somehow down to the deranged, illiterate tweets of a nylon-haired piss enthusiast. Fortunately, some other manufacturers made an effort.

det17kiastingerKia showed off an exciting new rear-wheel-drive sports saloon called the Stinger GT. ‘The Stinger really is very spicy and has been tested extensively at the ‘Ring,’ said a spokesman. ‘So I suppose you could say it’s a very obvious joke that I’m not going to do.’ The Stinger name was actually inspired by the very idea of a large, V6-powered petrol saloon from a non-prestige manufacturer and refers to the car’s expected depreciation.

Audi showed off a concept version of its forthcoming Q8 which is a TUV, or Twat’s Utility Vehicle. ‘The sportier Q8 is designed to complement the seven seat Q7,’ explained a spokesman. ‘Because we have realized that (more…)

Roy Lanchester goes to CES

Posted in Columns, News, Roy Lanchester by Roy Lanchester on Monday, January 9th, 2017

Refreshed motoring journalist ROY LANCHESTER pays a visit to the Consumer Electronics Show

RoyLanchester14My relationship with the old fashioned car makers can be summed up in a simple word and that word is ‘frosty’. It can also be summed up in some rather more complicated words such as ‘legal proceedings’. Fortunately, the same is yet to apply to the really important part of the motor industry; the lavish media trips organised by the companies that supply the parts that make up our cars.

Companies such as Quilan Systems, an American concern which has realised the real brains lie in Britain and has set up facility here providing research, development and a canteen. Last year I was lucky enough to visit this and other parts of the centre, all of which are located in an area of Cambridgeshire famed for its strong technology skills, convenient transport links and two nearby pubs, and I was delighted when their PR girl agreed to take me on an overseas trip with them if I agreed to (more…)

Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum

Posted in Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum, Columns, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, January 6th, 2017

Got a problem? Want a passive aggressive knobslit to answer it by acting like he owns the place? Okay then.

tpfaif_6Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
A while ago I remember you recommending a particular car but I can’t recall what it was. Could you jog my memory?
KM, London

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
Ever heard of a little thing called the search function? I guess not. Maybe the mods could lock this thread before it gets ugly, although it’s already too late for that one thanks to the actions of some people, mentioning no names, KM. My girlfriend would know the answer to this one, and she’s not even that into cars, although I live in hope!! I think you’ll find the car I was referring to was my very own steed of choice, the Honda Civic Type-S. Or, as my girlfriend calls it, (more…)

Ford issues Mustang recall

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, August 17th, 2016

An Mustang, yesterday

An Mustang, yesterday

Ford in the US is to recall all Mustangs built between 1993 and 2014 to correct a fault which causes the car to crash whenever a camera phone is pointed at it.

‘We have decided to issue a precautionary recall after extensive analysis of YouTube footage,’ explained Ford representative Forde Repprestative. ‘Specifically, we wish to address a possible situation in which the vehicle suffers sudden and catastrophic loss of control at relatively low speeds as a result of being filmed by a guy holding a cellphone.’

‘We must stress that the vehicle will remain safe in normal driving conditions,’ Repprestative continued. ‘But we would urge all customers to show extreme caution when leaving an auto-related event as the presence of video recording equipment will almost certainly cause the vehicle to lose control from the rear axle, fish tail wildly, and smash into a line of vehicles on the opposing side of the street in a pathetically humiliating manner.’

Ford declined to specify which parts of the car may need replacing to correct this flaw but an insider hinted that the issue may lie with a part behind the steering wheel referred to as the ‘grunting moron’.

All barns now empty

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, August 11th, 2016

An barn, yesterday

An barn, yesterday

There was bad news for classic car fans today as it was announced that all barns are now empty.

‘Unfortunately, we’ve looked into this and it turns out that every single barn in Britain has now been emptied of cars that have been there for years,’ explained car investment expert Karen Vestment-Ecspert. ‘From now on, barns will only contain hay bales and farm equipment and not an extremely dusty Aston Martin that is claimed to need “some recommissioning”.’

Today’s barn news is sure to have a dramatic effect on the number of faded, rotten, mouse-gnawed classic cars appearing at auction and selling for twice the expected value, despite being little more than a seized engine surrounded by straw and rust.

‘This will certainly have an effect on the classics market,’ Vestment-Ecspert concluded. ‘In fact, it could cause the biggest shift since the drought of elderly owners who have had the car since new and the decline in MOT testers who feel the need to comment in a positive way on the condition of the car so that they can later be quoted in an advert.’

Those Raikkonen marriage vows

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, August 9th, 2016

Last weekend Kimi Raikkonen married model Minttu Virtanen in a private ceremony in Italy. Here, Sniff Petrol can exclusively share a transcript of the ceremony. 

Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday

Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday

Priest: Minttu, will you take Kimi to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

Kimi: Yea, yea, yea, she doing all that already.

Priest: And Kimi, will you take Minttu to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

Kimi: Sure, whatever.

Priest: Therefore, in the presence of God and in front of this congregation I proclaim you husband and wife. You may now kiss.

Kimi: Leave us alone, we know what we’re doing.

9 simply AMAZING Tesla Easter eggs

Posted in News by Buzzfact Clickbayte on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2016

The Tesla Model S and Model X famously contain hidden Easter eggs within their controls!!! How many of these did YOU know about?

Teslascreen2. Long press on air recirculate button – poison gas releases

9. Triple tap and hold passenger heated seat button – ejection function activates

5. Long pull on centre armrest – centre armrest comes off in hand

6. Hold down auto steer button – car promises to try REALLY hard not to crash

5. Hold down menu screen top bar – unbearable level of movie references mode

12. Tap four times on settings menu – nudey pictures of Talulah Riley

5. Four finger left swipe on touch screen – for some reason car now convinced you are the singer Janet Jackson (warning: cannot be undone)

19. Tap three times on temp controls – picture of Elon Musk’s high school class appears with ‘LOOK AT ME NOW’ scrawled over it

5. Double tap headlights menu – car signals for mothership

5. Swipe down on nav map then hold – coordinates for safe place revealed. Make sure no one is following you.

5. Press voice control button, say agreed code word – Do NOT say the agreed code word yet. Uncle Elon told you to wait. He will come for you when he is ready.