Archive for the ‘News’ Category

2015 British GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News, Trentham Sleaves by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, July 3rd, 2015

F1 journalist and utter dicknozzle TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks ahead to this weekend’s race

trenthamsleaves1The Formula 1 circus travels all over the world but there is something unique and special about the British Grand Prix because this is, quite simply, as close as the sport comes to being at its spiritual home. Most of the teams are British or employ British people or used to have a British driver or have been to Britain before, and you can feel that sense of homecoming in the unique atmosphere of the paddock, something that can be experienced only by being here, which of course I am.

What is it, you might wonder, that makes F1 such a British sport? I was able to pose that exact question to my old mate Jenson Button who I bumped into after standing outside his motorhome for 40 minutes. ‘Oh God,’ he quipped. ‘You again!’ As ever, Jens proves himself to have a marvellous sense of humour! One could say that’s a British trait in itself, as indeed is ordering your security people to remove me from the area!

I was able to reflect a little more in Britain’s vital role in the pinnacle of motorsport as I dined alone last night at my favourite little Italian place in Towcester. Modesty forbids me from mentioning its name and suffice to say you would struggle to get a table anyway, unless you know the owner or have visited before or they’re not very busy. It also helps if you can order in Italian, which of course I can. As I savoured my spaghetti with chicken and chips and a coffee poured over it, I spotted a certain well known 1996 British champ walking past and dashed out of the restaurant to ask him for his views on our nation’s role in Formula 1. ‘Oh God, I thought my lawyers had warned you about this!’ he jested. Such a wonderful sense of humour! Definitely a trait as truly and typically British as, for example, shouting ‘restraining order’ and then getting into a taxi.

As to who will take the infamous chequered flag at this weekend’s all-important race, I think it’s pointless to mince words at this point and I will come out and say I believe Mercedes will win it, or Ferrari, or perhaps a Williams, and don’t discount a Red Bull surprise. Suffice to say, whatever happens at the British Grand Prix I will have a great view of all the action.

Because remember, I’m here and you probably are as well. But I have a nicer seat.

Hot weather driving tips

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, July 1st, 2015

With Britain sent into meltdown by temperatures the same as some other countries where it’s always like this and the Daily Express convinced that everyone is going to die, the Association of Road Safety Education has issued some handy hot weather driving tips.

An sunshine, yesterday

An sunshine, yesterday

– Hot weather can make Tarmac softer and therefore grippier. Remember to account for this by driving into corners much more quickly.

– Most motorists know that in winter you should carry a flask of soup and a blanket in the car but fewer are aware that the same applies in summer except that the soup should be cold and the blanket should have holes in it.

– Dogs die inside hot cars. If you need to leave your dog, remember to take it out of the car and pop it into the roof box.

– Avoid glare from strong sunlight by fitting the inside of your windscreen with a set of thick velvet curtains.

– On hot days people need more water and the same is true of cars. Remember to tip at least a gallon of water into your fuel tank before a long journey.

– Cooling seats can be a boon on hot days but they’re usually fitted only to expensive luxury models. The good news is, you can replicate the experience in your ordinary car by simply farting through a cushion full of ice.

– It’s tempting to keep cool on a car journey by running the air-conditioning or opening a window but both of these things have a damaging effect on fuel economy. A more cost-effective way to avoid becoming sweaty is simply to cover your entire body with gloss paint.

– If visiting the beach it can be tempting to run into the sea with all your clothes on like an utter twat. Before doing so, remember to take your car keys out of your pocket and hand them safely to a homeless man.

 

 

New Alfa promises unmatched disappointment

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, June 25th, 2015

The Alfa Giulia, yesterday

The Alfa Giulia, yesterday

Alfa Romeo has announced its new Giulia saloon with the promise that it will offer ‘unmatched levels of disappointingness’.

‘The Germans have design and efficiency,’ said Alfa spokesman Alf Erspokesman. ‘But only Alfa Romeo has that unique quality of making you really, really hope it’s good and then finding out that somehow it’s not. In Italian we call it, disappointamenteness.’

Sources say the company has worked tirelessly to make sure this vital new model is as disappointing as possible, with special attention paid to making sure the driving position isn’t quite right, some of the minor controls feel a bit cheap, and the suspension appears to have been developed exclusively on roads without bumps on them. Or corners.

‘We have one chance to get this right and we must win over new customers instantly,’ Mr Erspokesman explained. ‘That’s why, from the very first time the Giulia grinds its undertray on a speed bump, you will know there is something disappointingly half-arsed about it in that way only an Alfa can be.’

The Giulia will go on sale later this year under the slogan, Scusate, abbiamo pensato che questo sarebbe bene or ‘Sorry, we really thought this one would be good’.

McLaren told to go back and ‘do it properly’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, June 22nd, 2015

The McLaren MP4-30, yesterday

The McLaren MP4-30, yesterday

There was more bad news for McLaren today as the FIA insisted it must go back to the Austrian Grand Prix and ‘do it properly’.

‘We’ve had enough of those two McLaren idiots mucking around and yesterday was the final straw,’ said an FIA spokesman. ‘You’ve got Button giving up after hardly any laps and then doing interviews using that pretend serious voice that doesn’t match the words he’s saying, and don’t get us started on young Mr Alonso’s idiotic stunt driving shenanigans.’

F1 insiders say the sport’s bosses have rejected claims from McLaren that the car ‘really is that shit’ and are insisting that they return to the Red Bull Ring to have another go at running race distance ‘without being silly’.

‘We weren’t born yesterday. McLaren is a world championship winning team with two world championship winning drivers,’ said one high ranking official. ‘They don’t seriously expect us to believe they’re that useless or that their engine is complete crap. I mean, my wife has a Honda Jazz and it never goes wrong. They’re just not applying themselves at all and pretty soon I shall have to write to their parents.’

Unfortunately, due to cumulative grid place penalties applied for changing the engines again, the McLaren duo’s re-run Austrian race must start from halfway through the Canadian Grand Prix.

2015 Austrian GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News, Trentham Sleaves by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, June 19th, 2015

Horrendous F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks ahead to this weekend’s race. Or at least, tries to.

trenthamsleaves1There is a unique atmosphere in the paddock here at the Red Bull Ring which you simply cannot experience unless you are here, which of course I am, and as I watched the sun setting over the illustrious track I was able to reflect on the time that I met Chris Evans and we got on extremely well with a marvellous chemistry that I think would be worth bearing in mind.

This track has of course seen a great deal of action over the years and a fair few name changes as well, whereas I have always kept the same name and I’m sure Chris remembers that and will be able to find the business card I gave him during our memorable encounter at Wisley North services on the A3 back in 2004.

As I wandered last night around the perimeter of the track I found myself reflecting on the greats that have raced here and pondering for a moment on what a good place this would be to shoot my audition tape, though of course I’m sure such a thing will be a mere formality as I am a close and personal friend of Chris’s and I’m certain he remembers as fondly as I do the delightful quips we shared that spring evening as I noted that, between his classic Ferrari and my Audi A4 Avant, we had ‘the makings of a Top Gear road trip’ to which he replied, ‘I’m sorry, I have to go!’ Such a fabulous sense of humour, and one I would enjoy working with, but which I would also complement with my extensive experience of guest appearances on television and radio, as well as many years of print journalism, Chris.

As to who will take the legendary black and white flag here in Austria, I will come right out and say that I think the Mercedes will have it though you wouldn’t discount Ferrari or Williams or even Lotus but that the real winner will be my old mate Mr Christopher Evans who will undoubtedly know that he has found his next co-presenter as soon as he watches my video so don’t forget to watch my video Chris me old pal, hahahaha!

Whatever happens, rest assured that I will be on the edge of my seat. Because remember, I’m auditioning for Top Gear and you’re not. Except for the millions of you who are. Shit.

New 7-series gives you a ‘weird’ type of diabetes

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, June 18th, 2015

The new 7-series, yesterday

The new 7-series, yesterday

BMW admitted today that its newly announced 7-series is so luxurious it gives you a weird type of diabetes.

‘From the climate control that includes a tiny kitten blowing on your face through a lavender teabag to the massaging seats that remove your organs, clean them and put them back again, the new 7er is the most luxurious car in the world,’ said BeeEm general manager Guillem Beneral-Manager. ‘Unfortunately, it is so luxurious that anyone getting into it immediately develops this weird kind of diabetes. We’re not sure why.’

BMW sources say the weird type of diabetes brought on by the luxuriousness of the new 7-series makes the driver so thirsty that the they simple cannot suckle enough tears from the face of the on-board orphan. ‘Even the boot-mounted water filtration plant cannot keep up,’ admitted one insider. ‘And you may be forced to ask one of the cabin crew for a bottle of Perrier.’

Engineers in Munich are said to be working tirelessly to tackle the issue of the new 7-series giving everyone a weird kind of diabetes and suspect that the condition could be linked to the cars on-board cinema. ‘It’s either that or the seat cushion happy finish function,’ admitted one source. ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, my weird type of diabetes is playing up and I must get into my 7-series to see the on-board medical team.’

Man gets new job

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, June 17th, 2015

Chris Evans, yesterday

Chris Evans, yesterday

Chris Evans has been announced as the new presenter of Top Gear, bringing a welcome new lease of life to the programme he will completely ruin.

Evans is a famously knowledgeable when it comes to cars and is sure to enliven the long-running show he wrecks with his complete lack of knowledge about cars.

The popular presenter is certain to bring some of the magic that made the brilliant TFI Friday so terrible, leading to the intriguing prospect of a re-born Top Gear made in that mould, which would surely become must-see TV that you would switch off immediately.

Evans is thought to be the ideal choice of presenter to retain Top Gear’s vast audience, none of whom will watch the show if he is at the helm.

‘I am 100 percent NOT going to be the new Top Gear presenter,’ said Evans. ‘And I can’t wait to be the new presenter of Top Gear.’

All words © the entire internet, yesterday

Our guys’ weekend was super crazy and cool

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, June 16th, 2015

Dozens of stag parties and other groups of men descended on Le Mans last week. Here, a typical attendee talks us through his weekend away.

“So my job kind of sucks and my boss is kind of an idiot so when my buddies Earl and the Tandster said we should go for, like, a guys’ weekend in Le Mans I was like, for sure.

So I went to France and when I got there, for sure I couldn’t believe it. The guys had rented a Porsche! And they had, like, written our names down the side and next to them were little flags to show what country we were from. It was like super hilarious and cool, for sure.

So I’m like driving around Le Mans in the Porsche and the atmosphere is, like, super amazing and for sure people are knowing my name ‘cos of the stickers on the side and they are shouting things like, ‘For sure, drive faster N. Hulkenberg of Germany’ and even though there was, like, this dick in some kind of Audi trying to get on my ass, I was having a totally super cool time, for sure.

So then the drinking started! Oh boy! My buddy Bamber, for sure he must have put away, like, over two litres of isotonic sports drinks in less than one hour! Later, the Tandmonster had, like, this protein shake and I was like, down in one! And, for sure, he did drink most of it pretty quickly. It was like super crazy and cool at the same time, for sure. I think Bamber went a little mad ‘cos later he had to go and have a lie down, and I did also, and when I woke up it was dark and that was pretty cool also, and then I drove the Porsche in the dark and it was super exciting, for sure.

The next day was also totally awesome and the guys were like taking turns driving the Porsche and then I was, like, can I have one last go? And they were like, for sure, and so I did, and it was super amazing and people were cheering and I was like, this is the best weekend ever, and then I stopped and the guys had a trophy which was, like, super crazy incredible and it said something like ‘winner of Le Mans 24hrs 2015’ but I think what it really said is, best friends forever.”

Jeremy Clarkson says a thing

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, June 11th, 2015

Jeremy Clarkson, yesterday

Jeremy Clarkson, yesterday

Jeremy Clarkson has said a thing.

The former Top Gear presenter said the thing in his newspaper column or on the radio, immediately prompting speculation that he could be about to do something or not do something or say another thing. Probably.

The thing is almost certain to fuel rumours that something something something colleagues James May and Richard Hammond blah blah large sum of money words words words Netflix.

Something something Chris Evans. Blah blah Jodie Kidd. Yadda yadda Philip Glennister etc etc etc same old shit we’ve written 26 times before.

Blah blah blah punching a producer cut and paste this paragraph from the last story about Jeremy Clarkson, and the 109 others before that.

Will this do? Good. Quick, get it up on the website.

© All newspapers online

Alonso buys Mercedes engine

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, June 10th, 2015

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

McLaren morale dropped again today with news that frustrated Fernando Alonso has bought himself a Mercedes engine.

‘Mercedes sell customer engines, so Fernando has become a customer,’ explained a source close to the Spanish driver. ‘It’s being delivered tomorrow and then he’ll insist the team fits it to his Mp4-30, even if it makes the engine cover a bit lumpy.’

The installation of a Mercedes engine to Alonso’s McLaren is certain to change the tone of radio messages the former champion relays to his pit wall during the race, moving from ‘there’s a funny noise and everything’s stopped working’ and ‘What do you mean save fuel? If I go any slower I’ll be stopped’ to more upbeat communications such as ‘It’s saying mode 2, could you look in the manual in my bag in the motorhome to see what I do next?’ and ‘There’s a blue light come on with, like, a picture of a desk fan or something, can you run down to the Merc pit and ask them what it might mean’.

Meanwhile, beleaguered Jenson Button has yet to follow his team mate in buying a Mercedes engine but is said to be more optimistic about his pace in the next Grand Prix having just picked up some Toyo R888s off eBay.