Archive for the ‘News’ Category

McLaren hires Moyes

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014

Picture editor to my office please

Just 24 hours after being dismissed by Manchester United, beleaguered manager David Moyes has been hired by the McLaren F1 team.

‘It brings me the human emotion of delightedness to welcome David to the team,’ said Ron Dennis in a statement. ‘I hope he will facilitate for this organisation an optimal quantity of success. Transmission ends’.

Manchester United and McLaren are both well known sporting names who used to win major championships but have recently been going through tough times yet giving the football manager Martin Whitmarsh’s old job may surprise since many believe he was the cause of United’s woes. ‘It’s true,’ admitted one high ranking Woking source. ‘But he couldn’t make it worse than last season. Unless he made it like this season.’

McLaren insiders say Moyes is already planning to change the way the team is run during a race and will forgo sitting on the pit wall using team-to-car radio in favour of pacing up and down on the edge of the start-finish straight, wildly gesticulating and shouting orders at the drivers. One confidant also revealed that Jenson Button will be substituted on lap 23, right around the time he gets all flustered because the car is crap.

Morgan updates hat

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014

MorganCap

The latest Morgan cap, yesterday

Morgan has today announced a new version of the annoying tweed cap that must be worn by anyone who drives one of its cars.

The latest cap is still based on the original 1909 design of the cap but incorporates careful design tweaks to bring it bang to date with the fast-paced demands of the early 1920s.

Morgan promises that the latest cap will make the wearer look 16 percent more pompous and that it can bring on a nine percent increase in the steely eyed determination on the face of the driver and the look of stoic resignation on the face of his wife.

In other Morgan news, the company’s engineers say they are no closer to finding out why none of their cars appear capable of starting or moving unless the driver is wearing an annoying hat.

Land Rover reveals mad Discovery name plan

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 17th, 2014

DiscoveryDiscovery

Discovery Discovery, discovery

After revealing the Discovery Vision concept and plans to also use the Discovery name on the forthcoming Freelander replacement, Land Rover today announced that in future all its models will be called Discovery.

‘It’s really very simple,’ insisted the company’s Head Of Discovery, Discovery Smith. ‘The Range Rover will become the Discovery Extra, the Range Rover Sport will become the Discovery Super and the Defender will be renamed the Discovery Old.’

Mr Discovery, nee Smith, later denied that this plan was baffling. ‘It’s no more baffling than our plan to replace the word ‘Land’ in our name with the word ‘Discovery’, he insisted. ‘Which, I might add, perfectly matches our other decision to change ‘Rover’ to ‘Discovery’.’

‘This is all about making use of one of our best loved names,’ Mr Discovery went on. ‘The current Discovery is at the heart of what makes Discovery Discovery the company that it is and to emphasise that, I can reveal that its replacement will be called the Discovery Discovery, just to make that point really clear.’

However, even Mr Discovery was forced to admit the new naming plan had hit some problems. ‘The other night we had an inter-departmental pub quiz here at our HQ in GayDiscovery, Discoveryshire,’ he revealed. ‘Unfortunately, it descended into chaos and had to be abandoned after every single team called themselves Discovery.’

‘Lifestyleness premiumational aspirationalosity,’ said Discovery Discovery Chief Discovery Design Discoverer Geraldine McDiscovery. ‘I invented pencils,’ he added.

Domenicali ‘swapped for engine’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, April 15th, 2014

MercDomenicaliswapReports from Italy have confirmed that Stefano Domenicali did not resign from Ferrari as claimed yesterday and was actually used as a swap for a Mercedes engine.

‘The F14 T is not powerful enough,’ an insider confided to Sniff Petrol last night. ‘And the team was sick of Stefano capering about the factory doing impressions of Eric Morecambe rather than concentrating on new wind tunnel data and such like. This secret deal to swap him for a Mercedes engine solves both problems at once.’

Our Ferrari mole confirmed that a Mercedes V6 was covertly handed to the team this morning and will be installed in Fernando Alonso’s car prior to this weekend’s Chinese Grand Prix. ‘Fernando will stop at nothing to win so he gets the Mercedes engine,’ our spy explained. ‘Whereas Kimi doesn’t even know who he’s driving for and will be happy as long as there’s enough Grey Goose in his drinks bottle.’

In return for supplying an engine that isn’t total dog shit, the Mercedes GP team gets full ownership of bespectacled being-on-television enthusiast Stefano Domenicali to do with as they choose. Sources in Brackley recently admitted that the team was worried many of its senior personnel come across as Germanic and sinister during TV interviews and it’s possible they will appoint the affable Domenicali as official spokesman to mitigate those concerns.

However, it seems more like that the ex-team principal will be kept at the Merc factory and used by Toto Wolff for ‘experiments’.

That Domenicali resignation statement in full

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, April 14th, 2014

DomenicaliReeves

Stefano Domenicali, yesterday

Stefano Domenicali today resigned from his position as team principal of Ferrari F1 with immediate effect. Here is his resignation statement.

“It is with some sadness that I must announce my decision to be ordered to resign from Scuderia Ferrari.

It has been clear for some time that the team is underperforming in many important areas such as being a guest on race preview programmes, popping up during grid walks and magically appearing next to pundits during post-race analysis.

It was my job to undertake those tasks but I became distracted with less important matters such as running the team and trying to make the car work properly. As such, I take full responsibility for not appearing on Formula 1 television coverage as constantly as I would have liked.

I wish my replacement every success in having a casual chat with Martin Brundle on the grid or sidling up to Suzi Perry and David Coulthard in the pit lane.

Following my resignation I look forward to spending some more time with my family of television crews.”

Lambo announces new initiative

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, April 14th, 2014

PrecrashedAventador

A brand new Aventador awaiting delivery, yesterday

Lamborghini has announced that, following extensive market research amongst its customer base, all of its cars will now be delivered ‘pre-crashed’.

‘We have learned two important things about our customers,’ said the company’s marketing boss Sergio Boolshitta. ‘Firstly, they are cash rich and time poor. And secondly, they are total assholes. By delivering a car to them with the panels damaged and the chassis bent we are saving them the trouble of driving like a total fucking idiot and inevitably smacking it into a lamp post.’

Sant’Agata sources say anyone buying a pre-clattered Huracan or Aventador will be able to order the optional Tuba di You package which includes annoyingly portrait-format cameraphone footage of their new supercar as a highly trained factory test driver races it down a city street at 115mph and twats it into a parked car.

‘Pre-crashing our new cars will be a great bonus to the average Lamborghini customer,’  said Boolshitta. ‘And it will give them more time to find other ways of being, as we say in Italy, un grande bellende’.

Merc makes X6 fighter

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, April 11th, 2014

MercConceptCoupe

The Mercedes Concept Coupe SUV, yesterday

Mercedes this week revealed its Concept Coupe SUV, a prelude to the forthcoming MLC production car which will aim to beat BMW’s X6 in the race to sell cars to utterly ghastly people.

‘For too long BMW has had its own way in selling cars to fucking dreadful human beings,’ admitted Merc marketing director Marc Merketing-Direktor. ‘The Concept Coupe SUV shows that we too understand how to appeal to customers who are a despicable waste of blood and organs’.

Mercedes insiders say that in order to ensure the Concept Coupe SUV hit the spot, its design team spent several months wearing vile gold jewellery and living in hideous new-build houses, strutting around with a thick-necked sense of entitlement. Sources say this phase of the design process was so realistic, one designer accidentally married a dim-witted, grapefruit-titted, orange-skinned skeleton.

‘We really think we have what it takes to beat the BMW X6,’ Merketing-Direktor boasted. ‘In future, this will be the first choice of car for what, in German, are known as “cuntz”’.

Bentley reveals new hybrid system

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 10th, 2014

MulsanneHybrid

The new Mulsanne Hybrid, yesterday

Bentley has announced details of a new Mulsanne concept powered by a radical hybrid system that operates off a combination of petrol and the tears of the poor.

‘At the heart of the system is a conventional 6.75-litre V8,’ explained new engine technology manager Miles Pergallon. ‘And this is combined with a high pressure system filled with fresh, salty tears harvested from poor people using a range of techniques such as taking away their television or buying a big bucket of KFC meat items and then simply throwing it straight into the bin in front of their pale, pinched little faces. Ha ha haaaaaa.’

‘The really clever part is that it can work on things other than the rancid eye water of the underclasses,’  Pergallon cackled. ‘For example, the despair of the unemployed, the noise made by smashing up an orphanage or the fumes created from senselessly burning down a branch of Lidl’.

However, the most remarkable part of Bentley’s new petrol / low income suffering hybrid is that, unlike all comparable systems, it actually increases fuel consumption. ‘Our customers like to be reminded that they can afford it and nothing does that like reassuringly inflated fuel bills combined with the anguish of the disadvantaged’ Pergallon notes. ‘Mwaaah-ha-haaaaa,’ he added, menacingly.

‘I disapprove of any car fitted with this system,’ said the chancellor, George Osborne. ‘And I have shown my disapproval by ordering three’.

New PSA boss has plan

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 9th, 2014

Tavares

Tavares, yesterday

New PSA CEO Carlos Tavares has announced his plan to make Peugeot and Citroen profitable again by ‘not being shit’.

Tavares, who used to play up front for Manchester City, has set out a long term vision for both companies which encompasses plans to stop offering shit in Europe, to sell more cars in China that aren’t shit, and to expand into other developing markets where customers expect cars not to be shit.

Tavares, who used to be a five piece funk and soul ensemble, is said to have started his new role by conducting a thorough analysis of PSA’s development processes, supply chain, production methods and factory portfolio before concluding that in fact the issue is making too many cars that are shit.

Tavares, who used to be a city in central Florida, has now instructed designers, engineers and marketing staff throughout PSA to ‘stop making shit’ though privately he has warned it may take several years to fully bring PSA back to health by also phasing out all cars that are toss, wank and bollocks.

Car salesmen’s success boosts economy

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, April 4th, 2014

dealerforecourt

Some cars, yesterday

Figures released today show that car sales have risen at their fastest rate for a decade and this good news for car salesmen is having a positive effect on the economy as a whole.

Clothing retailers report that sales of mid-priced off-the-peg suits with abnormally wide lapels are up 14.7 percent, whilst jewellers have seen a 17.2 percent rise in idiotically large watches with lots of gold detailing on them. Meanwhile, the perfume sector is claiming a massive 27.8 percent rise in sales of obnoxiously pungent after shaves that ill-conceal the smell of the Benson & Hedges you had round the back of the showroom 10 minutes earlier.

Furthermore, the boom times for car salesmen combined with an increasingly buoyant property market mean Britain has seen an unprecedented 19.6 percent rise in lies, insincerity, and unreturned phone calls.