Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Bookies take bets on Clarkson conundrum

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, March 27th, 2015

The Top Gear studio, yesterday

The Top Gear studio, yesterday

Following this week’s explosive news about Top Gear, bookies are already taking bets on who will step in to become the next person to be punched in the face by Jeremy Clarkson.

Top of most bookmakers’ lists is Chris Evans, a TV researcher from Bristol who most agree has a face that fits, especially with Mr Clarkson’s fast moving fist. ‘Chris would be perfect,’ said a spokesman for website, Cockney Celebrity Betting. ‘He’s dedicated, he’s professional, he’s done nothing wrong. He has all the qualities necessary to be punched in the face by Jeremy Clarkson’.

Other front-running contenders including Jay Kay, a production runner from Edinburgh who rarely asks for hotel kitchens to stay open, and John Bishop, an assistant producer from Ipswich who never carries hot steak about his person just in case.

However, according to a spokesman for high street bookmaker Intimidating Atmosphere there is one other contender that can’t be ruled out for the job of being punched in the face by Jeremy Clarkson: Jeremy Clarkson himself. ‘You’d have to be a total idiot to punch yourself in the face,’ said a spokesman for the company. ‘That’s why we’ve got him as 1/3 favourite.’

New show for Scimitar fans

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, March 24th, 2015

Princess Anne, yesterday

Princess Anne, yesterday

Fans of fiberglass sports cars made in Tamworth should tune into male-centric cable TV channel UK Testes this week for the start of a brand new series entitled The Princess Anne Reliant Scimitar Hour.

The new show features the titular royal sitting in her drawing room at St James’s Palace slowly thumbing through photos of Reliant Scimitars, pausing occasionally to intone phrases such as, ‘Oh look. A Reliant Scimitar’ and ‘Well now that’s a lovely Reliant Scimitar’ before sighing wistfully.

In a move that’s sure to make The Princess Anne Reliant Scimitar Hour a cult hit amongst people who enjoy watching a horsey lady spending 58 minutes flicking through pictures of old Reliant Scimitars, the 11th in line to the throne will sign off each of the 10 episodes with the distinctive catchphrase, ‘Well that’s quite enough Reliant Scimitars for now. I drive one, you know’.

The Princess Anne Reliant Scimitar Hour starts on UK Testes this Thursday at 8pm, or at 9pm on UK Testes +1.

 

Ecclestone plan progresses

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, March 23rd, 2015

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

With the cancellation of this year’s German Grand Prix, microscopic doll’s hairstyle enthusiast Bernard Ecclestone has moved a step closer to his ultimate goal of really, really pissing off F1 fans.

‘Bernie’s dream is that by 2021, F1 fans are really, really pissed off,’ revealed an FOM insider. ‘And one of the ways he can achieve that is by getting rid of all the races at tracks they like. Silverstone, Monza, he’s hoping to do something about those too. Think of a race you like. He’s probably doing his best to bin it. Unless you like slow processions around industrial estates plastered in Rolex logos, in which case, knock yourself out.’

‘I can’t say what Bernie’s next move will be in his plan to really, really piss off F1 fans,’ added our mole. ‘But suffice to say, if any country wants to force him pay $100m to make a legal problem go away, he can certainly look at ways to knacker their Grand Prix.’

F1 team bosses demand fairness

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, March 19th, 2015

Christian Horner, yesterday

Christian Horner, yesterday

Rival F1 team bosses have today issued an extraordinary request to be allowed to spend the night with Christian Horner’s fiancé.

The remarkable ‘indecent proposal’ follows Horner’s complaints about the disparity in performance between Mercedes and other engines, including the Renault MalheureusementTech unit used by Red Bull. ‘You don’t hear Christian complaining about how many Spice Girls he gets to see in the buff do you?’ grumbled one anonymous team principal. ‘Well the rest of us aren’t happy about it and we believe the FIA should intervene to level the playing field between those of us who get to bump their bits against a Wannabe hit maker and those of us who don’t’.

The disgruntled team bosses have yet to outline how exactly they would implement a plan to ensure everyone had a fair crack at getting jiggy with a Spice Girl, especially since it might require buy-in from other former members of the hit girl group. ‘We’d definitely look at getting in the other Spice Girls, for the good of the sport,’ said one insider. ‘And dividing them up could be easier than you think, especially as Peter Sauber said he’d even consider an evening of zig-a-zig-ah with Sporty Spice and ‘wouldn’t kick her out of bed for singing one of her solo records’.’

The efforts to divide Spice Girls between team bosses in the name of ‘fairness’ is further simplified by the exemption of Claire Williams, who wasn’t part of discussions as she was hosting a charity bake sale that day, and Monisha Kaltenborn, who should not be allowed near any ‘90s pop stars in case she accidentally promises them a drive.

Government announces new cull

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, March 18th, 2015

Another pest, yesterday

Another pest, yesterday

The government today announced plans for a controversial cull of ex-Stigs.

‘There are simply too many people who used to be The Stig and it makes sense to thin out their numbers,’ said minister for needless punditry, Flibian Spobe. ‘If we don’t, the newspapers could become clogged with their pointless opinions, our airwaves could be destabilised by their stupid faces appearing down the line from a studio in the provinces, and our nation’s bookshops could collapse under the weight of their unsold books.’

The minister declined to say how the ex-Stigs might be culled, but its thought that the most effective method would be to deny them the oxygen of publicity.

Dacia goes back to basics

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, March 17th, 2015

The new basic Sandero, yesterday

The new basic Sandero, yesterday

Dacia is to celebrate 10 years since its relaunch in Europe with a new back-to-basics version of its popular Sandero, called the Da a Sand.

‘Other manufacturers add more badges and charge you more,’ said Dacia sales boss Daisy Assaylesboss. ‘With the Da a Sand, we’re actually reducing the number of letters in the badge, just as we’re reducing the number of driver’s seats and cylinders the engine runs on’.

Insiders who have driven the new ultra minimalist model say describe it as ‘a bit draughty’ and note that, with just under four wheels, the handling is ‘certainly good value’.

‘This new model is great news,’ said market analyst Mark Etanalist. ‘Especially for people who put low price above things such as having all the door holes filled with actual doors or a pedal that operates the brakes.’

‘Sounds a bit luxurious to us,’ said a spokesman for Ariel, yesterday.

McLaren finishes Australian GP

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, March 16th, 2015

Jenson Button, yesterday

Jenson Button, yesterday

According to reports from Australia this Monday morning, Jenson Button has finished the Australian Grand Prix.

The British driver is understood to have brought his McLaren home only 24 hours after the rest of the pack, just missing out on a points scoring position. Unfortunately, Button would have been ineligible for points anyway as team sources admit his race took so long he was forced to stop during the night ‘for petrol and a piss’.

Nonetheless, McLaren bosses are said to be delighted that the MP4-30 made it to race distance, even though there was ‘quite a lot of smoke’ coming out of the back, it was making ‘a funny noise’ and they are ‘pretty sure the VTEC is broken’.

The scale of Button’s achievement in finishing the Aussie GP is not to be underestimated, especially since authorities in Melbourne were obliged to re-open the street circuit to normal traffic last night. According to onlookers, this left Jenson ‘trudging around’ amongst tourists and commuters, ‘like one of those nutters who takes 72 hours to do the London Marathon dressed as a massive anvil’. Sources say the phlegm-voiced racer used remarkable focus to continue whilst surrounded by normal road cars, most of which overtook him.

van der Garde becomes nuisance

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, March 12th, 2015

"You see the ceiling? I was promised that."

“You see the ceiling? I was promised that.”

A motorist in Australia got a shock today as they returned to their car to find the driver’s seat already occupied by Dutch racing driver Giedo van der Garde.

‘He said I’d promised him a go in my car and wouldn’t get out,’ explained Steve-o Wilson-o, 36, of Melbourne. ‘So I had to let him, then as soon as we set off he swerved into the next lane and hit another car. He said it was because he’d been promised a place on that bit of road, then he asked where my house was and what my wife was like.’

Sources in Australia say van der Garde has been making a nuisance of himself in this way since arrived in the country two days ago, sitting on the lap of another man on the plane after claiming he’d been promised seat 14B.

‘This is a really awkward situation,’ said Sauber driver Marcus Ericsson speaking exclusively to Sniff Petrol on the phone. ‘Hold on, I’m out for dinner. The waiter is just showing us to our tabl… oh for God’s sake.’

Geneva Show, Geneva Show, Geneva Show

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, March 4th, 2015

Geneva, yesterday

Geneva, yesterday

Geneva Show, neutral ground, shores of Lake Geneva, world’s manufacturers, pleasingly compact.

Exciting new concept, latest design language, confident stance, 22-inch wheels, hybrid drivetrain, details to be confirmed, unlikely to make production.

New supercar, latest design language, increased power output, breathtaking looks, hybrid drivetrain, price to be confirmed.

Important new family car, latest design language, enhanced interior quality, range of diesel engines, hybrid drivetrain, shows company’s serious intent in the class.

Geneva Geneva Geneva blah blah blah subs to fill.

European Car Of The Year is a car

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2015

The European Car of the Year logo, yesterday

The European Car of the Year logo, yesterday

The 2015 European Car of the Year award has been won by a car.

The car was announced as the winner yesterday, following an extensive voting process in which the car was assessed against some other cars that were also cars.

‘We felt that the car was an excellent example of a car,’ said ECotY spokesman, Carl Carr. ‘There were a lot of cars in the running this year, but we believe the winner is, without question, a car’.

‘We are very proud to receive this car award for our car,’ said the car makers responsible for the car. ‘In a very competitive sector of cars, we have worked hard to make sure it is a car’.