Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Caterham dispute escalates

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, October 24th, 2014

Caterham, yesterday

Caterham, yesterday

A war of words has broken out this week between the new and former owners of the beleaguered Caterham F1 team.

New buyers Engavest SA released a statement yesterday in which they said, ‘Oh my God, right, Tony Fernandes, right, he’s, like, such a liar and stuff. Has he been chattin’ about us, yea? Don’t believe what he say, right, cos Joanne, right, she heard that he was, like, slagging us off and shit at Shania Jackson’s party, right, and that’s just, like, so disrespectful, cuz he said we ain’t done things and we ain’t ain’t done them things, innit. Know wha’ I mean?’

For his part, Fernandes was quick to respond. ‘Oh my God, that is like so rude,’ he said in an official statement last night. ‘Engavest like totally owes me cash, yea? And they been, like, round at Kelly’s mum’s house saying I ain’t give ‘em nothing and that might be true, yea, but that is SO unfair cuz they still owes me for the team and the stuff and I like totally bought them a bottle of WKD from the offie before Jamie Preston’s party and they like never paid me back and shit.’

The argument resumes today, probably on the bench outside the chip shop.

GM in radical new recall policy

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, October 23rd, 2014

GM's Detroit headquarters, yesterday

GM’s Detroit headquarters, yesterday

After yet more embarrassing recalls around the world, bosses at GM headquarters in Detroit have decided it will be cheaper and quicker to cancel all recall action and simply turn back the very fabric of time.

To this end, all recalls have been called off and all current product development work put on hold. Instead, the entire company will now focus on the creation of a sophisticated jet pack system that will allow GM CEO Mary Barra to fly round and round the earth until time itself is put into reverse.

The high powered jet pack plan was chosen over a rival scheme in which a 1980s vehicle was fitted with a flux capacitor and driven at 88mph through a shopping mall car park. ‘We got the idea from that documentary, Back To The Future,’ admitted R&D boss, Aaron D. Boss. ‘But it just didn’t seem feasible. One, Mary doesn’t suit a red down-filled vest. Two, DeLorean is not a GM company so we’d have to use a 1983 Pontiac Grand Prix and we’re not totally certain it could do 88.’

‘Fortunately, we came across the jet pack idea in a documentary called Superman,’ Boss continued. ‘Sure, it eventually left the Clarke Kent guy in a wheelchair thinking his name was Christopher but Mary believes that would be a small price to pay for being able to travel back to the year 2001 and just telling everyone to do their goddam jobs properly.’

 

Sam Michael to leave McLaren

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, October 23rd, 2014

Sam Michael, yesterday

Sam Michael, yesterday

McLaren has announced that Sam Michael is to step down as sporting director at the end of the season because the team is now ‘more than crap enough’.

‘Before we brought Sam on board we were dangerously close to winning world championships,’ admitted a Woking insider. ‘Thankfully, with his experience of making Williams completely rubbish, we were able to become the disappointing team we are today with a level of mediocrity we could only get from Sam. Or perhaps a Peugeot engine.’

‘We are delighted with the soul-crushing dismalness we have achieved and that’s why it’s the right time for Sam to leave his role as sporking director,’ explained another high ranking source. ‘Of course, we are aware of what happened at Williams after Sam left. They became quite good. But hopefully our new Honda engine won’t work properly and we’ll be able to maintain this level of depressingly poor performance in his absence.’

‘We are sorry to see Sam Michael leave his role as spurting director,’ said an official McLaren statement. ‘In particular, team personnel will miss their regular games of trying to guess what the fuck he actually does around here’.

Rally update

Posted in Motorsport, News by Bob Bulhat on Wednesday, October 22nd, 2014

An rally car, yesterday

An rally car, yesterday

Sniff Petrol rallying correspondent BOB BULHAT brings us up to date with all the latest special stage action

Last weekend the Junior Global Rally World Championship Rally Formula 2 Series action moved to the legendary forest stages of Scandinavia for the infamous 18 Fjords Rally of Norway and all eyes were on championship leader Marcus Stromenekelsson who was once again looking to take top spot in his VW Jetta JGRWCR F2 R.

Stromenekelsson made a strong start on the first 12 stages but by stage 13, taking place in the challenging Tromjspellellielli Forest, he was feeling the heat from championship rival Juni Spjunkhatterplatten in the ever-improving Peugeot 108 Juniormax GRWCRF2 S-plus who was breathing down his neck, just 10 minutes behind.

As if that wasn’t thrilling enough, from stages 15 to 27 local hero Lars-Tjorben Majerfatterplotterploppen in third spot managed to close the gap to an incredible 17 minutes before misjudging the jump on the penultimate hairpin and rolling end-over-end down a mountainside. As a result, his Renault Clio JuGloWoCha F2-R RS Evolution 3 S needed completely rebuilding from scratch whilst Majerfatterplotterploppen and his co-driver Knut Holvenovenovenovenovenoven required an overnight stay in hospital, knocking them back to fourth place.

Their misfortune was to the benefit of the Kia Rio Global World Rally F2 Junior R-spec R S-Series R driven by former Rally World Series Championship Rally World Rally Junior Senior Formula 9 champion Harry-Barry Skaerjerfjordenbjurgebordenalltrainsterminateatmorden who moved up to third despite an enormous accident on stage 46 in which his car tumbled two miles down a mountain side, caught fire and was then buried under an avalanche, losing him a nail biting two days. Nonetheless, the Swedish driver was able to put in a sensational drive on the muddy final stages of the Snasvurtersputern-Mortenharket Valley and was able to proudly stand in third spot on the overlit, night time floor level podium in the town square of Vatnathatbatcatsatratpatstraterhjo.

It remains to be seen if the top three can maintain their searing pace when the action moves to the arid landscape and 900 stages of the legendary Rally du Dust in just eight weeks’ time.

VW SA announces Polo Pistorius

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, October 22nd, 2014

The Polo Pistorius, yesterday

The Polo Pistorius, yesterday

Volkswagen South Africa has announced a limited-run version of its most popular locally-made model, called the Polo Pistorius.

Each Polo Pistorius comes with springy carbon fibre wheels and will be entitled to park in the disabled space, although sometimes it will insist that it doesn’t want to. The car features headlight washers which trigger on demand.

The most unusual element of the new limited edition is a special entry system which requires the driver to fire the remote locking four times before breaking down the door with a bat and then claiming you thought there were thieves inside.

The Polo Pistorius will be offered with a unique finance deal which only locks you in for five years.

 

 

Air-cooled 911s now worth more than gold

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, October 21st, 2014

A air-cooled 911, yesterday

A air-cooled 911, yesterday

There was controversy in global financial markets this week as gold was usurped as the world’s most precious metal and replaced by the air-cooled Porsche 911.

‘Gold has been a stable and consistently valuable commodity for hundreds of years,’ explained gold dealer Dee Lergold. ‘But unfortunately gold can’t prompt someone to pay 28 grand for a ratty 993 Targa that previously you couldn’t give away.’

Financial analysts say that the market shift away from gold and towards Porsche 911s built between 1963 and 1998 is only going to increase the value of these cars even further, despite £100,000 seeming like quite a lot for a 964 Turbo as it is; ‘I can see this commodity only getting stronger,’ Mr Lergold admitted. ‘And that will in turn lead to an increase in other things, such as the number of people saying, ‘Jesus Christ, since when is a G-series Carrera worth 80k?’’

‘With demand for air-cooled 911s so high I would encourage people to look in the back of wardrobes or the cupboard under the stairs,’ Mr Lergold advised. ‘They may have a 1974 911S they inherited from their grandmother many years ago and which they do not realise is worth £150,000 or something sodding ridiculous like that.’

However, as markets move towards air-cooled 911s as their most valuable asset, all is not lost for gold as a number of companies have now entered the business of increasing the value of newer gold by making it look like slightly older gold.

Hulkenberg signs unusual Force India contract

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, October 21st, 2014

Nico Hulkenberg, yesterday

Nico Hulkenberg, yesterday

This week Force India announced that they are keeping Nico ‘The Under-rated Hulk’ Hulkenberg in their driver line-up for 2015. However, Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal that the new contract comes with some additional terms and conditions, as follows:

- Must change name to ‘NicoForce HulkenIndia’

- Must sponge down Vijay Mallya at least once a week. More frequently if there is particularly high build-up in the folds.

- Must attempt to gain psychological advantage by running into the motorhome of at least one rival team during every race weekend, shouting ‘FORCEINDIA’ and then running off again.

- Must endorse some of Vijay Mallya’s other companies via a TV ad in which he eats a bowl of chemicals, and looks like he’s enjoying it.

- Must have TW Steel watch implanted into chest, ‘like Ironman’.

- Must take blame for Vijay Mallya’s thunderous flatulence at all times. If during a race, must radio into pits and clearly state, ‘Sorry guys, the car just made a terrible noise. And smell.’

- Must circumvent alcohol advertising rules by sitting  in all press conferences holding an actual kingfisher which he must refer to throughout as ‘refreshing’.

- Must not moan about how he ‘could have gone to Ferrari’.

Massa loses focus

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, October 20th, 2014

The Williams drivers, yesterday

The Williams drivers, yesterday

There was concern at Williams today with news that Felipe Massa has gone a bit blurry. ‘Felipe has basically lost focus,’ a team insider admitted. ‘And I mean, literally.’

Insiders say the Brazilian driver has gradually been getting ‘a bit fuzzy around the edges’ for the past few races and that by the time the team arrived in Russia he was ‘almost impossible to look at without getting a headache’.

Massa’s literal lack of focus is said to be having dire consequences for his ability to perform promotional duties, not least because he is now almost completely impossible to photograph.

It’s thought that unless Massa can get back into focus, Martin Brundle will not speak to him during the next Sky F1 grid walk because he will make viewers think there is something wrong with their televisions whilst over on the BBC, David Coulthard will also avoid talking to him but only because he is too polite to interrupt drivers while they are holding a water bottle, or wearing sunglasses, or breathing.

‘Oh never mind all that,’ said the team’s deputy principal Claire Williams. ‘Who wants some cake?’

New car-based show starts this week

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, October 20th, 2014

A bit of a car, yesterday

A bit of a car, yesterday

A new car-based daytime game show starts this week on BBC1, entitled Dent Or Design Feature.

The show works by showing contestants a close-up of a car exterior panel and asking them to say if the clearly visible creases and folds are the result of a low speed accident or were put there deliberately by the designer.

‘We’re very excited about Dent Or Design Feature,’ said BBC spokesperson Bibi Seespokespurssen. ‘We’re sure it’ll strike a chord with anyone who has ever looked at a modern car and thought, God, is it supposed to look like that or has it been in a small accident?’

The show promises to feature cars from Mazda, BMW, Mercedes, Ford, SEAT and a special retro round starring the Triumph TR7. The programme is made by the same team behind Cooking In The Bath, Is That A Lesbian? and Arthritis Olympics.

Dent Or Design Feature starts on BBC1 tomorrow at 11:30am, just after Shit From Your Loft.

New fuel confusion system

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, October 17th, 2014

Some petrol pumps, yesterday

Some petrol pumps, yesterday

Britain’s petrol retailers today announced a new joint initiative designed to make buying fuel ‘as confusing as possible’

The consortium of petrol companies has joined forces to create a new naming hierarchy for fuels, allied to a revised colour coding system which they promise ‘makes no sense whatsoever’.

‘The number of people standing at pumps looking a bit confused has been dropping recently,’ explained a spokesman for Fuel United & Unified Understanding UK. ‘As retailers, we realised that only by acting together could we do something to ensure the experience of filling up with fuel is a needlessly baffling ordeal.’

Under the new system, to be rolled out over the next few months, Shell will colour all of its normal unleaded pumps yellow and its premium unleaded blue, in league with Esso who will do the exact opposite. ‘This tallies perfectly with our regular unleaded pumps,’ said a Texaco spokesman. ‘Which are red. Unlike our diesel pumps, which are blue. Except the premium diesel. Which is yellow.’

The names given to fuel have also received attention as BP immediately renamed its 97RON unleaded ‘Ultratron’, thereby bringing this fuel into line with the name Gulf will give to its regular diesel. This is designed to complement their premium petrol which from now on will be called Superdiesel and will be dispensed from the white pump familiar to anyone who has bought LPG from Tesco.

‘By working together as Fuel United & Unified Understanding UK we will change buying fuel forever,’ a spokesman crowed. ‘We hope that from now on, whenever someone buys fuel in this country they will say to themselves, ‘Oh for FUUUUK’s sake’.’