Jonny Smith and Richard Porter discuss the palm-only steering technique favoured by urbane gentlemen. Also, Mantas, Apaches gunships, and a deliberate name confusion in a dodgy MOT garage.
Ford in the US is to recall all Mustangs built between 1993 and 2014 to correct a fault which causes the car to crash whenever a camera phone is pointed at it.
‘We have decided to issue a precautionary recall after extensive analysis of YouTube footage,’ explained Ford representative Forde Repprestative. ‘Specifically, we wish to address a possible situation in which the vehicle suffers sudden and catastrophic loss of control at relatively low speeds as a result of being filmed by a guy holding a cellphone.’
‘We must stress that the vehicle will remain safe in normal driving conditions,’ Repprestative continued. ‘But we would urge all customers to show extreme caution when leaving an auto-related event as the presence of video recording equipment will almost certainly cause the vehicle to lose control from the rear axle, fish tail wildly, and smash into a line of vehicles on the opposing side of the street in a pathetically humiliating manner.’
Ford declined to specify which parts of the car may need replacing to correct this flaw but an insider hinted that the issue may lie with a part behind the steering wheel referred to as the ‘grunting moron’.
There was bad news for classic car fans today as it was announced that all barns are now empty.
‘Unfortunately, we’ve looked into this and it turns out that every single barn in Britain has now been emptied of cars that have been there for years,’ explained car investment expert Karen Vestment-Ecspert. ‘From now on, barns will only contain hay bales and farm equipment and not an extremely dusty Aston Martin that is claimed to need “some recommissioning”.’
Today’s barn news is sure to have a dramatic effect on the number of faded, rotten, mouse-gnawed classic cars appearing at auction and selling for twice the expected value, despite being little more than a seized engine surrounded by straw and rust.
‘This will certainly have an effect on the classics market,’ Vestment-Ecspert concluded. ‘In fact, it could cause the biggest shift since the drought of elderly owners who have had the car since new and the decline in MOT testers who feel the need to comment in a positive way on the condition of the car so that they can later be quoted in an advert.’
Last weekend Kimi Raikkonen married model Minttu Virtanen in a private ceremony in Italy. Here, Sniff Petrol can exclusively share a transcript of the ceremony.
Priest: Minttu, will you take Kimi to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?
Kimi: Yea, yea, yea, she doing all that already.
Priest: And Kimi, will you take Minttu to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?
Kimi: Sure, whatever.
Priest: Therefore, in the presence of God and in front of this congregation I proclaim you husband and wife. You may now kiss.
Kimi: Leave us alone, we know what we’re doing.
The Tesla Model S and Model X famously contain hidden Easter eggs within their controls!!! How many of these did YOU know about?
2. Long press on air recirculate button – poison gas releases
9. Triple tap and hold passenger heated seat button – ejection function activates
5. Long pull on centre armrest – centre armrest comes off in hand
6. Hold down auto steer button – car promises to try really hard not to crash
5. Hold down menu screen top bar – even more movie references mode
12. Tap four times on settings menu – nudey pictures of Talulah Riley
5. Four finger left swipe on touch screen – keep calling Janet Jackson
19. Tap three times on temp controls – picture of Elon Musk’s high school class appears with ‘LOOK AT ME NOW’ scrawled over it
5. Double tap headlights menu – car signals for mothership
5. Swipe down on nav map then hold – coordinates for safe place revealed. Make sure no one is following you.
5. Press voice control button, say agreed code word – Do NOT say the agreed code word yet. Uncle Elon told you to wait. He will come for you when he is ready.
Alongside the familiar traits of understeer and oversteer, car dynamics experts have this week identified a new handling characteristic known as ‘Nicosteer’.
Nicosteer occurs when a car follows a wider than expected arc into a given corner as a result of the driver failing to turn the wheel enough and then pretending that he had a problem even though he didn’t.
‘In scientific terms, Nicosteer can be expressed as X = A + B ,’ explained car handling professor, Carl-Hans Dligprofeser. ‘Where X equals vehicle trajectory, A equals corner radius and B equals how much the driver is being a prick again.’
Road safety campaigners are urging motorists to be aware of situations that can cause Nicosteer, such as pissing away a commanding championship lead, being the kind of choker who gets caught out by wheelspin, and having too many passports.
‘I’ll certainly be looking out for the warning signs of Nicosteer,’ said F1 runner up Nico Rosberg. ‘And if it happens, I’ll be certain to lift off very slightly.’
The F1 strategy group has voted against the halo protection system for 2017 in favour of a new safety strategy based on telling the drivers to ‘be careful’.
‘The group unanimously decided to continue evaluating protection systems such as halo,’ said a spokesman. ‘But in the meantime, we believe there is great merit in just telling the drivers to drive safely please.’
‘For 2017, F1 will introduce something called the New Safety System,’ the spokesman continued. ‘Which is a small pamphlet containing phrases such as “slow a down a bit”, “woah, steady on” and “careful now”. We believe this will have a far reaching effect, without the need to strap a massive flip-flop to the top of the car.’
‘I certainly will be paying attention to this advice,’ said Nico Rosberg. ‘While also ignoring it, obviously,’ he added, lifting off very slightly.
1. Ferrari Mondial
It had four seats! Who wants a Ferrari with four seats? There should not be seats behind you at the wheel of a Prancing Horse machine, there should be an engine. Which there was also! Urrgh, confusion!
2. Ferrari 599 GTB
What is the first thing you is are looking for in the mid-engined Ferrari machine? It is the engine in the middle, of course! This mid-engined Ferrari could not even make the bother of having the engine in the mid position. Fail!
3. Ferrari Daytona
The rules of mid-engined Ferrari say put engine in middle of car, loser! But this mid-engined Ferrari did not have the engine in that place for it was elsewhere! OMGZ! Take a look at yourself Ferrari, you losers!
4. Porsche 911
Sometimes even the great Prancid House make mistake. Yes, it true! In this case, oh boy they make totes mistake and then some more! Mid-engine does not mean engine at back. And Ferrari should be made in Italy and not Germany and be called Porsche. Mega failz!
5. 1989 Vauxhall Belmont
What kind of mid-engined Ferrari would have the engine at the front and a very roomy boot at the back? Answer equals this one! Where to start with the failz of this car except to say it is urgh not machinery for Ferrari lolz! Ultrafail!