Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Lamborghini confirms Anus

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, May 29th, 2015

The Lamborghini Anus, yesterday

The Lamborghini Anus, yesterday

Lamborghini has confirmed plans to build a large SUV, to be called the Anus.

‘Many of our customers need a more practical car,’ explained model expansion director Modella Spansion-Directore. ‘And I can tell you, they may be surprised at how many things they can get in their Anus.’

Mr Spansion-Directore went on to explain the breadth of capabilities the new car hoped to offer; ‘This machine will be supreme on the road, but also capable off the road,’ he insisted. ‘Wherever our customers go, they will be able to stretch their Anus.’

However, the company was keen to point out that the new car is not about power and performance above all else; ‘We may use new powertrain options to help CO2 targets,’ Mr Spansion-Directore confirmed. ‘As we know people will be concerned about the emissions from their Anus.’

‘This is not just a different type of car for our customers, it speaks of a whole new lifestyle,’ Spansion-Directore concluded. ‘You will see someone drive by in this car and you will say, Wow! Look at that Anus.’

Mercedes announces Hamiltontronic

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, May 28th, 2015

Hamiltontronic in action, yesterday

Hamiltontronic in action, yesterday

Mercedes has announced a brand new technology called Hamiltontronic which aims to make you stop your car for no readily apparent reason.

‘Hamiltontronic allows existing sensors on the car to work together,’ explained Merc active safety boss Marc Ectivesayftee-Bboss. ‘So for example, the sat-nav can see there is a traffic jam ahead and tell the tyre pressure monitoring system to warn the driver that he needs to stop. And then, once he has stopped, the sat-nav can admit to the driver that the jam wasn’t that bad and the tyres are fine.’

Hamiltontronic also uses rear facing radar to detect following cars and then make decisions as to how best to let them go past, even though you don’t want them to go past.

Mercedes sources say Hamiltontronic will be available on all future models, unlike another new system called RosbergMatic which cannot be fitted to high performance AMG models as it is very unsporting.

Mercedes race simulation ‘forgot about other cars’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, May 26th, 2015

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Mercedes have admitted that their massive tactical error in Sunday’s Monaco Grand Prix was because none of their complex computerised race simulations had other cars in them.

‘Unfortunately, other cars on track was an in-app purchase and Toto said he wasn’t forking out for it,’ admitted a team insider. ‘So when the virtual and then actual safety cars came out, we told Lewis it was fine to make a completely inexplicable and unnecessary pit stop because there was no one else in the race.’

‘It’s just a bloody good job Lewis didn’t listen to our other suggestion,’ our insider admitted. ‘Which was telling him he had plenty of time during the stop to get out, stretch his legs and maybe go to the cinema.’

However, while Mercedes sources admit that their race simulation failed on account of not expecting any other cars on the track, they insist their computer models were absolutely accurate in predicting how much of a prick Nico Rosberg would be about everything afterwards.

Additional reporting: pauljm

High flyers gather in Monaco to not watch race

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, May 22nd, 2015

Monaco, yesterday

Monaco, yesterday

Thousands of the world’s wealthiest people will flock to Monaco this weekend to pay almost no attention whatsoever to the Formula 1 racing they’re simply not interested in.

‘The Monaco Grand whatsit is the highlight of the motor racing season for those of us who aren’t remotely interested in motor racing,’ said one perma-tanned cashsack we spoke to. ‘Yes, we could go to Monza or Silverstone but there’s nothing to do there and we might end up having to watch some actual motorsport, which would be ghastly.’

However, the Monaco GP doesn’t only attract people with unplaceable European accents who aren’t interested in F1. The principality’s annual Grand Prix will also attract dozens of top celebrities who aren’t interested in F1 either. ‘The Monaco Formula 1 race is THE place to be seen for people who don’t give a shit about Formula 1,’ said showbiz blogger Seaubiz Blorgar. ‘You’re no one if you’re not here this weekend, standing by the track during the race looking in completely the opposite direction.’

‘Monaco really is the ultimate place to talk about interesting things that I like, such as money, and not boring awful stuff that I hate, such as Formula 1,’ said Bernie Ecclestone.

New Camaro available with extra cheese

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, May 19th, 2015

The new Camaro, yesterday

The new Camaro, yesterday

Chevrolet has confirmed that the new Camaro will be America’s first car to be made available with extra cheese.

‘When our customers told us what they wanted, we listened hard over the sound of all the gunfire and incest,’ said GM spokesman, Guyeme Spoeksmann. ‘That’s why the 2016 Camaro has the option of an extra thick layer of delicious American cheese on all variants.’

The new Camaro will be offered in four, six or eight cylinder versions, all of which can be slathered in over 200 pounds of bright orange, highly processed, low quality cheese.

‘Chevy has raised the game here,’ said car writer Carl Righter. ‘Sure, the 2016 Mustang will have available ranch sauce on V8 variants, but only the Camaro will offer a fuck ton of cheese across all trim packages.’

‘Extra cheese? Hell yeah,’ shouted a Camaro customer yesterday. ‘This car is so Goddam American sometimes it makes my butt hurt.’

Strategy Group votes to bring back Good McLaren

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, May 18th, 2015

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

The F1 Strategy Group has voted for measures to improve the sport from 2017, starting with the return of Good McLaren.

‘We need to bring back audiences to F1,’ said a Group insider. ‘And what better way to increase excitement, drama and tension than with the return of a McLaren that is good, rather than one that is titting uselessly around at the back like grey Marussia.’

Formula 1’s top teams are thought to have voted unanimously in favour of a return to Good McLaren, with the exception of Ferrari who voted for ‘Even Better Ferrari’.

‘Bringing back Good McLaren will boost the sport, but there will be some sacrifices in return,’ warned our source. ‘I’m afraid the trade-off may be the return of Shit Williams.’

F1 Strategy Group successfully decides sod all

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, May 15th, 2015

The F1 Strategy Group meeting, yesterday

The F1 Strategy Group meeting, yesterday

The F1 Strategy Group met this week to discuss ways in which it could continue to be of absolutely fuck all use to anyone.

Sources say the main topics on the Group’s agenda were dithering, bickering, and talking round in circles to the sum total of sod all. ‘The meeting was a great success,’ said one group insider. ‘By which I mean, we got cock all done, as per usual. More cigars!’

As ever, the hottest topic during the meeting was costs and many ideas were put forward for how the Group might continue to talk about cost saving for many years whilst signally failing to come up with a practical and uncontrived way of making such measures work which probably means there isn’t one and perhaps they should just all admit that instead of sitting around eating swan and pretending to care.

‘I’m just going to say something unhelpful that makes me sound like a total prick,’ said F1 supremo Bernard Ecclestone. ‘Erm… all the cars should drive in reverse.’

Pothole filled with tarmac

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, May 13th, 2015

The fixed pothole, yesterday

The fixed pothole, yesterday

According to reports coming out of the local area, the pothole has been filled with tarmac.

‘The pothole was getting quite big,’ said one local resident familiar with the situation. ‘But it’s okay now because someone has come along and dumped a load of tarmac into it.’

Sources say the tarmac was dumped into the pothole around 2pm yesterday and crudely smoothed over to make it roughly level with the surrounding road surface.

‘I can confirm that the pothole has been filled with tarmac,’ revealed a spokesman for the local council. ‘The procedure took upwards of four minutes and we are confident that this action will prevent the pothole from returning for up to two, perhaps even three weeks.’

‘Good riddance to the pothole!’ crowed one delighted local motorist. ‘We won’t be seeing it again, at least until the tarmac slowly breaks up and sinks into the pothole in a couple of weeks, causing it to become worse than before. Huzzah!’

2015 Spanish GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News, Trentham Sleaves by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, May 8th, 2015

Bloody awful F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks ahead to this weekend’s race

trenthamsleaves1You can see and hear Formula 1 on television but what you can’t do is smell it, unless you are actually in the paddock, which of course I am. It’s a heady smell made up of one part fuel, two parts hope and seasoned with a dash of passion, all cooked to perfection under the Spanish sunshine here in Barcelona.

I’ve been coming to Barca for more years than I care to remember, yet every time the spicy paella of sights, sounds and scents take my breath away in a frenzied flamenco of F1 heritage as rich and full bodied as the finest rioja. This is a city that offers race fans the full tapas of experiences, from the bustling bull fight of the down town streets to the sweet siesta of a sangria at sunset.

I was sharing these thoughts only yesterday with my good mate Daniel Ricciardo, who I caught up with after hiding for 20 minutes around the side of his motorhome. ‘I’m sorry, who are you?’ Dan quipped. ‘Listen, I’ve really got stuff to do, can you get out please!’ he added. Typical Aussie laid back humour!

Last night I took a trip into the city and strolled down Las Rambleras before stopping to dine at a little back street restaurant which only locals know about, and a few American tourists. Discretion prevents me from naming it, although suffice to say a certain former British world champion from 1996 knows where it is as he walked in only last year only to see me waving in the corner at which point he pulled off the marvellous gag of pretending to leave, which he did by actually leaving! The menu here may seem impenetrable to the layman, but for those of us like me who speak a little Catalonian ordering is a breeze and as I feasted on my ice cream covered fish with a glass of vinegar I reflected on what a season it has already been and what delights the European leg of F1 2015 will certainly bring, although of course I fully support any moves to stage more races away from Europe.

As to this weekend’s action, I have always been pretty clear on who I believe has the upper hand and it’s definitely Mercedes or Ferrari or perhaps Bottas in the Williams, though Red Bull have been working hard on their car and cannot be discounted from surprising everyone.

Whatever happens here in the Catalanian sunshine, rest assured that I will have a superb view of all the racing. Because remember, I’m here and you’re not.

51.5 Shades Of Grey

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, May 7th, 2015

RONDennisSniff Petrol is proud to present an exclusive extract from the new novel 51.5 SHADES OF GREY by acclaimed erotic writer R.O.N. DENNIS.

“He regarded the shimmering silver for a moment, pausing to take in how tightly it wrapped over the curves underneath. ‘This is sub-optimal under certain quantities of brightness,’ he whispered. ‘You must re-evaluate key parameters of this adornment.’

He paced precisely around the workshop facility, stopping when he noticed a single speck of dust upon a flat surface. He felt dirty.

‘Let us engage in a playing of roles scenario,’ he breathed. ‘I will be the de facto executive responsible for all elements of the running of this organization. My requirement regarding your role is to adopt a dynamic, predatory graphite-grey colouration, complemented by McLaren day-glow speedmarks and key lines.’ There was an uncomfortable silence. What was he trying to say?

He noticed two crumbs on a nearby work surface. He felt disgusted at this filth.

**************************************************************************

It was the next day. The young Spaniard felt hot and nervous. He told himself this wasn’t a race yet in his mind he knew of course that it was. It had been so long since he had managed to finish first he could barely remember what it felt like. He tried to clear his head and concentrate on the pounding, grinding noise behind him. Was that normal? What was normal anyway? Was it true what the man had said, that this was ‘an optimal power partnership’?

Seconds later a voice whispered in his ear; ‘We’re going to pull you off.’ Instantly fluids spurted from behind him and he knew it was over. Truly, once again, he was fucked.”