Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Spyker in shyte

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, December 19th, 2014

An Spyker, yesterday

An Spyker, yesterday

Dutch car maker Spyker has gone bankrupt. The company has been struggling for some time following a failed deal with Chinese car maker Youngman.

A Spyker spokesman was quick to reassure the Chinese concern that it should not feel depressed about the bankruptcy and must continue with its own businesses. ‘Youngman, there’s no need to feel down,’ he noted. ‘I said Youngman, pick yourself off the ground.’

Ex-Spyker manager Vjillag Peepl was particularly keen to remind the Jinhua-based company that he had a list of contacts who could help them with their ailing bakery which has been suffering with supply chain problems. ‘Youngman, there’s a place you can go,’ he insisted. ‘I said Youngman, when you’re short on your dough.’

In a frank statement, Mr Peepl also admitted to stealing a pair of brogues from the Chinese delegation during their time in Europe, but explained that this was irrational behaviour brought on by living as a homeless person with Birmingham City football club. ‘Youngman, I was once in your shoes,’ he stated. ‘I said, I was down and out with the blues.’

With the collapse of Spyker, Mr Peepl is now available for consultancy work, specifically relating to which compass point to follow and what sort of blue to wear.

Bentley to build new R&B centre

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, December 18th, 2014

How the new R&B centre will look, yesterday

How the new R&B centre will look, yesterday

Bentley has announced plans to expand its Crewe HQ with a brand new, £40 million R&B centre.

The state-of-the-art R&B facility will include a variety of simulated terrains including Ocean Drive in Miami and the street outside a club in Los Angeles upon which a large man in what appears to be a fur coat can emerge from a Bentley whilst his companion opens the passenger door and inadvertently shows a waiting paparazzo her frou frou.

The new centre will also contain a high tech virtual reality room in which the styling of a forthcoming model can be checked to see how it looks when filmed from a low angle in a brightly lit room whilst a buffoon wearing too much gold jewellery repeatedly stoops down and flicks his hands towards the camera.

Bentley’s investment in a new R&B centre shows how seriously the company takes it core markets, and the new facility will complement the firm’s existing, highly detailed simulation of the car park at Manchester City’s training ground.

CORRECTION: After re-reading the press release more carefully, it turns out Bentley is actually building a £40m R&D centre. Sorry.

Vettel now only person left at Ferrari

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, December 18th, 2014

Sebastian Vettel, yesterday

Sebastian Vettel, yesterday

Ferrari has now ‘let go’ of so many people following its underwhelming 2014 season that the only person left working at the factory is Sebastian Vettel.

‘There have been several departures this week,’ said the team’s press spokesman, Sebastian Vettel. ‘But work continues on next season’s car under the supervision of technical director Sebastian Vettel and chief designer, Sebastian Vettel.’

Sources in Maranello say that Vettel is pulling out all the stops to get the new car ready, under direct orders from team principal Sebastian Vettel.

UPDATE: In a shock move, Ferrari team boss Sebastian Vettel has sacked himself. For the time being, his duties will be taken on by a small piece of broken carbon fibre.

UPDATE 2: Spies say an enormously hungover Kimi Raikkonen has just woken up from under a pile of overalls and flags in a store room and is now staggering about the deserted factory muttering ‘oh no, zombie attack’.

Christmas gift guide part 1

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, December 17th, 2014

Looking for a Christmas present for someone who likes cars a bit? The first part of the Sniff Petrol gift guide is here to help in a way that gives no help whatsoever.

Xmas8ballPirelli isn’t the only company to make a racy calendar any petrolhead would be delighted to receive. There’s also the 2015 Morgan calendar which features 12 extremely raunchy photographs of fully dressed young ladies showing a bit of ankle, sporting unbrushed hair or glancing at the underparts of an horse.

Looking to buy a cool novelty item for the F1 fan in your life? What about the new McLaren Magic 8 Ball. When you’re struggling to make a decision, simply shake the 8 Ball and it will give guidance with answers such as ‘No commitment should be made at this moment in time’, ‘Due process must be applied before a quantity of conclusions is reached’ and ‘This is a sub-optimal time to commit to the decisional process’.

XmasBenbookEveryone likes people who used to play anonymous characters on television a few years ago but don’t any more, and now there’s the perfect gift for them with the new book from Ben Collins, entitled How To Milk It. This substantial hardback contains pages and pages of fascinating details on the best way to keep making money off a job you haven’t done for over four years.

Looking for a memorable gift for a BTCC fan? Why not get them an accident with Jason Plato. For just a few hundred pounds, the BTCC champ will twat into a loved one’s car when they least expect it and then give an interview in which he indignantly makes out that it was their fault.

XmasMikeBrewerAny motoring and hot beverage enthusiast would be delighted to receive The Mike Brewer, a coffee machine based around the popular Wheeler Dealers star which, at the push of a button, invites you to ‘old aaahhht your ‘aaaand and then pours scalding hot liquid onto it.

 

Hamilton buys priest

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, December 17th, 2014

An priest, yesterday

An priest, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton has celebrated winning the F1 championship and BBC Sports Personality of the Year by buying a priest.

‘For a long time Lewis has talked about being #blessed,’ said a source close to the British star. ‘Now whenever he says that, he will be actually #blessed by his own personal man of God.’

Our insider says Hamilton feels a great affinity with his new purchase. ‘There’s a lot a similarities between Lewis and the priest,’ he explains. ‘They both have to wear slightly weird clothes as part of their job, they both enjoy a silly hat, they’re both answerable to a big guy.’

Since buying the priest, Hamilton has been travelling everywhere with it and has been given a small impromptu blessing up to 17 times a day. ‘It’s a great bonus for Lewis to be literally #blessed on demand,’ admitted our source. ‘And of course when Nicole says she wants to play him some new songs, the priest will do his best to have a word with the guy upstairs to comply with Lewis’s request to oh God, please make it stop.’

7 AMAZING money saving tips for winter driving

Posted in News by Buzzfact Clickbayte on Tuesday, December 16th, 2014

Some winter, yesterday

Some winter, yesterday

Sniff Petrol drivel correspondent BUZZFACT CLICKBAYTE shares some common sense tips on looking after your cash behind the wheel this winter

1. Save money on expensive de-icer by clearing your car windscreen using the natural warmth and plentiful supply of your own urine!

2. Winter tyres are a boon but can cost hundreds. It’s much cheaper to make your own ‘studded’ tyres by simply banging a few nails into your existing tyres!

3. Why waste cash specifying fancy heated seats in your car when you can achieve the same warming effect by simply shitting your pants!

4. Running the engine while you wait for the screen to de-ice wastes pounds. Avoid this problem by simply memorizing your exact route to work and setting off immediately, perhaps occasionally sounding the horn so other drivers know that you can’t see them!

5. Another great way to avoid paying extortionate prices for de-icer is simply to remove all the windows from your car at night and take them indoors with you. Simply re-fit them in the morning for inexpensive clear vision!

6. Prevent costly wear and tear on your car’s heater AND take advantage of wasted heat by simply running a pipe from the exhaust into the cabin!

7. Save money on expensive and complicated heated door mirrors by simply cable tying a cat to each mirror overnight!

European Free Pen of the Year shortlist announced

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, December 15th, 2014

An pen, yesterday

An pen, yesterday

The shortlist for the prestigious 2015 European Free Pen of the Year award has been announced today.

The list is led by a versatile new free pen from BMW which, unusually for the German company, features a nib on the top rather than the bottom. Also on a practical note is a new free pen from Nissan and a radical styled, lightweight free pen from Citroen.

Conventional free pens are also well represented in the list, including an American-designed free pen from Ford, a crisply styled free pen from Volkswagen and an extremely high quality free pen from Mercedes.

Also on the list is an unusual free pen from Renault which features an ink reservoir at the bottom rather than the top.

A jury of 58 car journalists from around Europe will now spend the next few months voting on which of the pens they have been given for free is their favourite free pen. This can be an arduous and time consuming process as many of the free pens require collecting from the South of France where the jurors may be forced to stay a very nice hotel and drink some extremely expensive wine before being allowed to take delivery of the free pen, only to find that, annoyingly, the free pen has become stuck to a free watch.

Jaguar announces S&M trim

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, December 12th, 2014

The new XE S&M, yesterday

The new XE S&M, yesterday

Audi and BMW have enjoyed great success with their S Line and M Sport models. Now Jaguar plans to get in on the action, copying both rivals with a hardcore trim level called S&M.

To make its debut on the new XE, the S&M model will feature a completely leather interior with what Jaguar describes as ‘many, many zips’. As befits a modern prestige car, the S&M boasts front seats which are heated, cooled, massaging, biting, scratching and spanking. Each passenger gets ‘a lot of seatbelts’, some of which are made of rubber.

The centre of the dashboard is dominated if you want it to be by a built-in sat-nav which is said to be ‘extremely bossy’ and will ‘punish’ the driver for ignoring it, although there is integrated voice recognition for the agreed safe word. Meanwhile, the S&M’s suspension has been retuned to be ‘really, really hard’ and the keys have been optimised to perform well ‘in a bowl’.

Externally, the new model is identified by a special leather bumper protector and a very red bottom.

The XE S&M goes on sale when you say you want it and will cost from £28,995. It will also be available on a finance scheme which will handcuff the buyer for three years, or until your wife finds out.

Button gutted to get McLaren drive

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, December 11th, 2014

Jenson Button, yesterday

Jenson Button, yesterday

Jenson Button is said to be ‘gutted’ that McLaren has finally ended its ‘vehicle operative decisional optimisation process’ by announcing him as Fernando Alonso’s partner for next season.

‘Jenson has been overwhelmed by all the support he’s received from fans,’ said a source close to the phlegm-voiced racer. ‘And because of that, he didn’t want to sound rude by admitting that he hates driving for McLaren and doesn’t want to go back there unless he has to.’

‘He was really hoping he wouldn’t have to return to Woking,’ our insider continued. ‘They make you take your shoes off before you enter the factory, you’re not allowed to touch the car in case you get fingerprints on it, and he probably understands about one in every ten things Ron says. It’s terrible. Plus of course, the car is crap and he’ll have to put up with that grumpy Spanish tit next year.’

Our source adds that matters have been made worse for Button by his friend Mark Webber who ‘will not stop’ putting pictures of his Porsche 919 on Facebook.

Insiders say that when Button received news of his 2015 contract, his immediate reaction was to ring 2014 team mate Ken Magnussen, firstly to offer condolences and secondly to ask if he would like to have the seat instead.

‘Unfortunately, it turns out Ken was enormously relieved to hear JB had got the job,’ our mole revealed. ‘He doesn’t want to drive for McLaren either. So that option’s out the window. I think Jenson’s going to give Rubens Barrichello a try.’

McLaren taking a long time says gestating elephant

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, December 10th, 2014

The McLaren factory, yesterday

The McLaren factory, yesterday

McLaren is taking ‘a long time’ to decide between Jenson Button and Ken Magnussen, according to a gestating baby elephant Sniff Petrol spoke to yesterday. ‘God, I thought I was taking ages,’ the in-utero pachyderm said. ‘But I look like I’m rushing things compared to a bunch of boring, indecisive men in a grey room near Woking.’

Quick to agree with the gestating elephant was popular band The Stone Roses. ‘Fook me,’ said lead singer Ian Brown, speaking from inside his five bedroom parka jacket in Altrincham. ‘In the time it’s taking them to make a fooking decision we could have recorded our second album. And released it. And had people say it was disappointing. That’s how fooking long McLaren are taking. Fook.’

‘Man, they’re taking a long time,’ agreed manky looking Guns ‘n’ Roses frontman Axl Rose, chewing on a snake. ‘Are they firing their whole band, falling out with their label, blowing millions of dollars in studio time, and recording the album Chinese Democracy, or are they just deciding between two fucking guys?’

‘It’s certainly taking them a long time,’ noted a probe passing through deep space in order to intercept a comet. ‘In fact, the guys at mission control are taking bets. Will McLaren actually make their mind up before I arrive on the comet. I’m not a betting probe, but a four million mile journey through space seems like a rush job compared to some tedious men procrastinating in Surrey.’

‘Oh my God, why is this taking so long?’ said a glacier. ‘Why can’t the useless dullards just make up their fucking minds?’

CORRECTION: This story wrongly attributes one of its quotes to ‘a glacier’. This should of course have read ‘Jenson Button’.