Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Civic Type R boasts bellend-o-meter

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 30th, 2015

The new bellend-o-meter, yesterday

The new bellend-o-meter, yesterday

Honda’s new Civic Type R won’t just boast a critically acclaimed chassis and turbocharged VTEC engine; it will also be the first car in the world to feature a gauge that tells you how much of a bellend you’re being.

‘The Civic Type R core market has always been bellends,’ explained Honda worker Wanda Herker. ‘Now, thanks to the new Type R’s bellend-o-meter, the driver will be able to keep an accurate watch on how bellendic he is being.’

The new system uses data from the ABS, traction control, accelerometers and driver monitoring cameras to give a real time score of bellendness. Actions such as performing a needlessly smokey start away from the traffic lights or getting into a race with a twat in an M3 around the bypass will be accurately and immediately shown on the bellend gauge so that the Type R driver has reassurance that he really is acting like a bellend.

Thanks to advanced in-built connectivity, the bellend gauge can also record bellendish events even when the car is off, such as going on the internet and making idiotic claims about your Civic Type R then getting into an argument with someone who doesn’t agree that it is the best car in the world.

The Honda bellend-o-meter will be standard on all Civic Type Rs, giving the new car a definite boost over the rival SEAT Leon Cupra which only offers an optional fool gauge.

Russia to let Kvyat see parents again

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 27th, 2015

Where Mr & Mrs Kvyat live, yesterday

Where Mr & Mrs Kvyat live, yesterday

After Daniil Kvyat’s sensational second place in the Hungarian Grand Prix, Russian president Vladimir Putin has personally authorised for the Red Bull driver to briefly see his parents again.

‘Daniil has brought great pride to Russia,’ said a Kremlin spokesman. ‘And as a reward for finally delivering on what was requested of him, his parents will be released temporarily from their shackles and allowed to leave the Strevaboksit bauxite processing facility so that they may enjoy a short amount of time with their son.’

Sources in Russia say Kvyat will spend up to 20 minutes with his parents after which he will be reminded that if he continues to bring great F1 glory to Russia, he will be allowed to see them again and perhaps even speak to them. As an additional bonus, if he performs well in October’s Russian Grand Prix, he can have some bits of his dog back.

‘Daniil is great example of a Russian in Formula 1,’ said our top-ranking government source. ‘Way better than that last idiot. The only reason he is still alive is because he has has promised to lend the president some of his Michael Jackson tapes.’

Tesla announces ‘Fucking HELL!’ mode

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 23rd, 2015

An Tesla Model S, yesterday

An Tesla Model S, yesterday

Tesla is to upgrade the performance of its Model S with a new ‘Fucking HELL!’ mode.

‘Fucking HELL!’ mode will access maximum acceleration and will sit at the top of a revised performance settings hierarchy, just above ‘Shitting CHRIST!’ and ‘Argh! My ORGANS!’

The new ‘Fucking HELL!’ mode is made possible by tweaks to the car’s electrical system which allow it to freeze the very fabric of time itself.

Taking inspiration from Elon Musk’s SpaceX programme, the Model S in ‘Fucking HELL!’ mode will then explode and claim that everything is fine, even though it clearly exploded.

‘Fly my beauties, fly,’ said Mr Musk, speaking from inside his hollowed out volcano. ‘I crush your head,’ he added, mysteriously.

 

“Top man”

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 21st, 2015

Not a day to be making jokes. Watch this instead.

 

 

 

 

11 signs your car needs a service

Posted in News by Buzzfact Clickbayte on Wednesday, July 15th, 2015

Does your car need a service? Thanks to Sniff Petrol’s internet-filling drivel correspondent BUZZFACT CLICKBAYTE, here are 11 signs that it could need a trip to the garage

carservicing

1. Garage rings and says, ‘Hello, our records show that your car needs a service’.

2. Grinding noise turns out not to be elderly gentleman with walking frame jammed underneath car this time.

3. Following items illuminated on dashboard; a) Check engine light. b) No, really, check engine light. c) Jesus Christ, can’t you see all that steam and brown stuff coming out of me light.

4. Garage rings and says, ‘Hi, just following up on our call last week about your car needing a service’.

5. Seeing Ross Kemp on Thursday for annual Cluedo evening and remember that last year it was on the same day you got your car serviced.

6. Last of the air has now left the tyres.

7. Garage rings and says, ‘Just to say we do have servicing appointments available all week if you’re interested in giving your car the yearly service that it requires’.

8. Visited by the ghost of previous, broken engine.

9. Definitely more noises than usual.

10. Villagers report seeing a mighty falcon in the valley.

11. Garage rings, apologises for hassling you about whole service thing.

Mercedes announces GLC special

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 14th, 2015

The GLC Livingstone, yesterday

The GLC Livingstone, yesterday

Mercedes is to celebrate the UK launch of its new GLC with a limited edition model called the Livingstone.

The new special will be available only in red and comes with a seat which will later be lost.

Other standard features include a charge to get into the car during the day and a sat-nav featuring a self-righteously mewling voice which can only tell you to go hard left.

Under the bonnet is a 2.1-litre diesel engine which will gradually have its power removed by Margaret Thatcher.

For younger buyers, Mercedes is to offer a second special GLC called the Your Mother’s Got A Penis Edition. ‘It’s well tidy,’ said a spokesman. ‘Lush.’

McLaren announces new Top Trumps

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, July 8th, 2015

The McLaren MP4-30, yesterday

The McLaren MP4-30, yesterday

McLaren has announced a new version of popular card game Top Trumps, based around its never-popular MP4-30 racing car.

In a twist on the normal game, all the cards are the MP4-30, but at various points in its turgid and unsuccessful life. As with normal Top Trumps, players must then pick from a category such as ‘number of replacement engines’, ‘lap on which it retired’ or ‘number of collisions with own team mate’.

In another unusual twist on the Top Trumps format, the object of the exercise is to get out of the game as quickly as possible, and long before anyone else who is playing.

The first person to do so must then give a depressing interview in which they attempt to put a brave face on their successful failure whilst secretly planning the day when they deliberately walk dog shit into Ron Dennis’s office.

Audi reveals new A4 aero bore secret

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 7th, 2015

The new A4, yesterday

The new A4, yesterday

Audi has revealed that the its new A4’s remarkable 0.23 drag coefficient comes from being simply too boring for air to bother with.

‘It is a well-known fact that air presented with a further distance to travel will move faster and this is the basic principle for how aeroplane wings work,’ explained Audi’s aerodynamics boss Aaron Dinamixbos. ‘But what is less well known is that air will also move more quickly if it isn’t distracted going, “Oh wow, look, the new Audi A4”.’

‘If the air is not distracted by anything interesting, it will simply move quickly and efficiently over the body of the car,’ Dinamixbos continued. ‘This is why the new A4 is styled to attract no attention whatsoever from air. Or indeed people.’

Dinamixbos admitts that this will naturally have some effect on the way people interact with the car. ‘We do not expect anyone to refer to this as the new A4,’ he confessed. ‘They will simply say, “Oh Jesus, there’s a complete twat in some sort of fucking Audi up my arse, again”.’

British GP lets down fans

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 6th, 2015

Silverstone, yesterday

Silverstone, yesterday

British motorsport was plunged into crisis today with news that yesterday’s British Grand Prix gave British people nothing to moan about.

‘It was a total disaster,’ complained huge F1 enthusiast, Hugh-Jeff Wanenthusiast. ‘I was looking forward to having a right old moan about how a Brit can’t even bloody win his home grand prix, and then Lewis Hamilton went and bloody spoilt it.’

‘It was the weather what ruined it for me,’ grumbled motorsport lover Moe Tersport-Luvre. ‘I don’t pay a massive amount to attend the British Grand Prix in the sunshine. When the rain started I thought, oh good, something to moan about. But then it just made the racing more interesting and quickly cleared up in time for the end. A bloody shambles, it was. I ended up having to stab myself in the leg with a greasy spork just to have something to whine about.’

Other fans say their weekend was ruined by the traffic getting in and out of Silverstone. ‘I used to come to this race in the ‘90s and I have fond memories of getting stuck in a terrible jam for over seven hours and then moaning about it,’ said Damon Hill fan, Damon Hillfan. ‘So you can imagine my disappointment when actually the traffic was relatively well managed and barely inconvenienced us. What is this bloody country coming to when we can’t even do logistical incompetence properly? In the end, I was so desperate to have something to moan about, I had to push a copy of the Sunday Express up my anus.’

Silverstone sources say they received over 4000 complaints from British people complaining that they had nothing to complain about. ‘We can only apologise,’ said a spokesman. ‘But there really was nothing for a British person to complain about at the race.’

‘Um, I’m not sure I agree with that,’ said British motorsport follower Jenson Button.

2015 British GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News, Trentham Sleaves by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, July 3rd, 2015

F1 journalist and utter dicknozzle TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks ahead to this weekend’s race

trenthamsleaves1The Formula 1 circus travels all over the world but there is something unique and special about the British Grand Prix because this is, quite simply, as close as the sport comes to being at its spiritual home. Most of the teams are British or employ British people or used to have a British driver or have been to Britain before, and you can feel that sense of homecoming in the unique atmosphere of the paddock, something that can be experienced only by being here, which of course I am.

What is it, you might wonder, that makes F1 such a British sport? I was able to pose that exact question to my old mate Jenson Button who I bumped into after standing outside his motorhome for 40 minutes. ‘Oh God,’ he quipped. ‘You again!’ As ever, Jens proves himself to have a marvellous sense of humour! One could say that’s a British trait in itself, as indeed is ordering your security people to remove me from the area!

I was able to reflect a little more in Britain’s vital role in the pinnacle of motorsport as I dined alone last night at my favourite little Italian place in Towcester. Modesty forbids me from mentioning its name and suffice to say you would struggle to get a table anyway, unless you know the owner or have visited before or they’re not very busy. It also helps if you can order in Italian, which of course I can. As I savoured my spaghetti with chicken and chips and a coffee poured over it, I spotted a certain well known 1996 British champ walking past and dashed out of the restaurant to ask him for his views on our nation’s role in Formula 1. ‘Oh God, I thought my lawyers had warned you about this!’ he jested. Such a wonderful sense of humour! Definitely a trait as truly and typically British as, for example, shouting ‘restraining order’ and then getting into a taxi.

As to who will take the infamous chequered flag at this weekend’s all-important race, I think it’s pointless to mince words at this point and I will come out and say I believe Mercedes will win it, or Ferrari, or perhaps a Williams, and don’t discount a Red Bull surprise. Suffice to say, whatever happens at the British Grand Prix I will have a great view of all the action.

Because remember, I’m here and you probably are as well. But I have a nicer seat.