Archive for the ‘News’ Category

McLaren – 50 years in F1

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, May 26th, 2016

The 1966 Monaco Grand Prix was McLaren’s very first Grand Prix. This weekend is the 2016 Monaco Grand Prix. You can probably work out the rest. Here are some of their most memorable moments from 50 years in the sport

1966: McLaren make their Formula 1 debut at the Monaco Grand Prix with a new car, called the M2B. The team also announces a sister car called the M4H which is much harder.

1968: Bruce McLaren secures McLaren’s first F1 championship win at the Belgian Grand Prix. He becomes the last person to win an F1 race in a car with their own name on the badge. Apart from the brief period in 1984 when Keke Rosberg got shitfaced and accidentally changed his name to Dave Williams-Honda.

1974: McLaren win their first F1 championship thanks to Emerson Fittipaldi and his famous (more…)

Rally report special – May 2016

Posted in Motorsport, News by Bob Bulhat on Wednesday, May 25th, 2016

Sniff Petrol rally correspondent BOB BULHAT reports on recent special stage action

Rallyreport516The race for the Global Euro Rally Championship title really hotted up this weekend as the series descended on the dusty landscape of the Coup de Soleil for the famous Rally d’Asthma.

Championship leader Harri-Barri Plattomattonnen set the early form in his RallyeMax Extreem Total Xiom Citroen DS3 GERC K2 but he quickly had former team mate Leppi Hjovolovonovonen in the Rapscilon Racing Castrol ExtremeSport Citroen C2 GWRX Max R3R hard on his tail, just nine minutes behind after some electrifying action in the first 27 stages.

However, on the challenging 28th stage in the Domaine du Dust disaster struck Hjovolovonovonen when a collision with a gatepost caused his car to roll over six times, losing him an agonising five hours as he and co-driver Bob Stott re-built the front suspension with their bare hands, dropping them down to third.

This allowed Bjorn-Benny Grohnobolpolonosson in the Mikelsson X-treim FlyingTurtle Shell T-Max Citroen Xsara WCRC Junior N2-L R to move up into second place, a position he cemented with a series of blistering performances on stages 30 to 57 in the Forest di Hypothermea, despite two punctures and an end-over-end roll into a gulley which saw Grohnobolpolonosson and co-driver Ken Stubbs forced to dismantle the entire engine with their teeth, costing them a valuable 19 hours.

Less fortunate was former world champion Gunnerston Matterplappersonnersonn who hasn’t driven in any rallies this season but is doing this one for some reason and who had managed to get his Onsport Maxrun Hatstand Badger Plinth List of Unconnected Words Citroen BX RRWC X4-K Evolution R3(2) up to a solid fourth place with brilliant drive on stages 61 to 106 across the fast sections of the Il Terra de la Grit only to misjudge the high speed entry to a narrow gap between a barn wall and a telegraph pole with a bale in front of it causing him to roll 27 times down the side of a valley and into a river. Matterplappersonnersonn did a brilliant job of completely re-designing and then re-building the car from scratch using only co-driver John Scott’s one un-broken finger but the delay cost the pair over 17 days, putting them down to fifth.

Ultimately, Plattomattonnen remained dominant throughout the remaining 236 stages, sealing his place as the man who gets to drive his car onto a strange raised platform with a banner over it in an over-lit car park at night. As we move towards the challenging Rallye di Drizzle in just five weeks’ time this victory puts him 3674 points ahead of his nearest championship rival so the title really does remain completely wide open.

Peugeot reveals radical new not-shit policy

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, May 24th, 2016

Peugeot, yesterday

Peugeot, yesterday

Peugeot has revealed details of a brave new recovery plan based around the radical concept of not making shit cars.

Speaking at the launch of the new 3008 crossover, Peugeot boss Maximum Picante confirmed that the company has decided its future lies in crossovers, hybrids, electric power for smaller cars, and in trying to be not shit any more.

‘For many years our cars were shit,’ Machu Picchu explained. ‘But then, for various reasons, we accidentally made cars such as the 208 GTi which was not shit and this brought us a realisation; what if we tried to make more cars that weren’t shit? Perhaps that would be, ‘ow you say, a good idea. And this is how the new policy was born. Internally, we call it Pas La Merde.’

‘Now, at the start of every vehicle project we sit down and say, how can we make this car not look like shit and drive like shit and be built like shit,’ Massive Pikachu continued. ‘I can assure you, for many people here it is a very big culture shock.’

Monsieur Maximo Park later hinted that Peugeot was to follow the lead of sister company Citroen and its DS brand by taking a badge from the past, slapping it on some more interesting-looking hatchbacks and then trying to pretend it’s a separate company even though everyone knows that it’s not. ‘It could be called 504 Estate,’ he said, mysteriously.

Proton shows off classic recreation

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, May 23rd, 2016

The Proton recreation. yesterday

The Proton recreation. yesterday

Proton used this weekend’s prestigious Concorso d’Eleganza Villa d’Este to announce its new ‘tribute series’ which begins with a stunning one-off recreation of some shitty old Proton from the early ‘90s.

‘Our craftsmen devoted over 18 man hours to perfectly reproducing the exquisite detail of some shitty old Proton from the early ‘90s,’ explained Proton spokesman, Pro-Tong Spo-Scma-Nn. ‘The design alone was extremely time consuming but we did not rest until we had completely recaptured the look of a dismal 1980s Mitsubishi with a new grille on it. And that’s before we got onto sumptuous seat fabric rendered in the finest pure nylon with over seven hand-applied cigarette burns, and the thin plastic door bins containing an authentic recreation of five pay & display tickets from car parks in the Bristol area and a Halfords window scraper on which the foam bit has gone mouldy.’

The car was presented by celebrity Proton fan Dane Bowers, formerly of boy band Second Breakfast. Bowers said being at Villa d’Este made him both ‘very honoured’ and ‘extremely sweaty’.

SMITH & SNIFF – The Honda CR-V

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, May 20th, 2016

Jonny Smith out of 5th Gear and Richard Porter out of this website attempt to review a car and almost immediately get distracted talking bollocks.

Morgan hit by scandal

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, May 19th, 2016

An Morgan, yesterday

An Morgan, yesterday

After high-profile cases involving Volkswagen and Mitsubishi, Morgan is the latest car maker to suffer a certification scandal as authorities discovered its cars contained abnormal levels of lead, asbestos and rickets.

‘During routine testing we discovered several anomalies with Morgan vehicles,’ explained DoT inspector Dee Owtea-Inspekta. ‘Among our concerns, we noted above average levels of scurvy, an unacceptable degree of parchment, and unusually high levels of wattle AND daub.’

‘This is all just a bally mix-up,’ spluttered Morgan spokesman Morgan Sspokes-Mann. ‘Our cars are perfectly within the law in all areas including tweed thickness, occasional table placement, and moustache movement at the permitted testing speed of eight furlongs per innings.’

Morgan later claimed to be too busy to further co-operate with the authorities because ‘don’t you know there’s a war on’.

Next race is definitely the race at which Ferrari will say they’ll win the next race

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, May 18th, 2016

Ferrari, yesterday

Ferrari, yesterday

Ferrari has announced that the next race will definitely be the race at which they announce that they’re going to win the next race.

‘Conditions at Monaco are perfect for claiming that we will secure victory at the following race,’ explained team spokesman Bula Sheeta. ‘We have been developing the car over the first five races which we said we could win and then didn’t, and we are now confident that we are in a good position to make a pointless and hollow announcement that will ultimate lead to humiliation. Again.’

Factory sources say Ferrari’s confidence is based on improvements in crucial areas such as aero, energy management and their massive sense of entitlement. ‘Keep watching because this noisy announcement that we are in a good place to win the next race won’t be the last,’ Mr Sheeta concluded. ‘We are sure to keep making these announcements just as certainly as we are sure not to actually win and then Mr Marchionne is sure to sack me.’

‘What? Who are you? Where am I?’ quipped Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday.

D.I. Blundell done report from the 2016 Spanish GP

Posted in D.I. Blundell, Motorsport, News by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, May 16th, 2016

DIBlundellnew‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 15 May I done proceed in a southerly direction to the Barcelona district of Catalonia what done be in Spain and done also not be in Spain, depending on who you done speak to.

Here, I done observe a silver Mercedes vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Mr Nico Rosberg of Germany and Finland and Monaco, what done be involved in an incident with another silver Mercedes vehicle drive by an IC3 male, one Mr Lewis Hamilton of Instagram.

I done observe this incident using what done be my eyes and it done seem to me that Mr Hamilton done be attempting a risky overtaking manoeuvre and Mr Rosberg done not be done observing the correct space what you done ought to be done giving to another road user and done cause Mr Hamilton to leave what done be, to be honest, the road what done then cause a loss of what done be, in fairness, control. Mr Hamilton’s vehicle done then collide with Mr Rosberg’s vehicle and both vehicles done then be suffering what done be damage.

In my view, this done be an important warning to all motorists on the importance of what done be three things. One, always use your mirrors to look for vehicles what done be approaching from behind. Two, done remember to apply your brakes if you think another motorist is about to do a collide with you. Three, don’t done be what is, in fairness, a silly, to be honest, twat.

Later on the same date I done receive reports of underage drinking in the podium region what done going to continue doing an investigate on.

Over and out.

Ford in unlearn controversy

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, May 12th, 2016

unlearnfordFord is under pressure to withdraw its latest ad campaign after complaints from people who encountered difficulties whilst attempting to ‘unlearn’ the company.

‘I tried to unlearn Ford, as instructed,’ explained local man Kneb Grest. ‘Unfortunately, I somehow managed to unlearn how to play the piano intead, which is annoying because I’m a concert pianist. Now I’m unemployed and I still know about the Ford Mondeo.’

Area lady Mimsy Flegg has a similar complaint against the car maker; ‘I tried to unlearn Ford like they told me to but I think I got one of the steps wrong and now I can’t understand scissors,’ she explained. ‘Also, the advert said “let go of what you know” but the thing that I knew was that I needed a wee and now we’ll probably have to get that carpet replaced.’

‘We would urge everyone to take great care when attempting to unlearn Ford,’ said a spokesman. ‘Do not commence the unlearning process until you are sure what you are unlearning is in fact a large American automobile corporation and not, for example, how to speak Swedish or which of the rooms in your house is the lavatory.’

The Ford ad campaign has also attracted controversy after a top scientist claimed it was ‘very difficult’ to ‘unlearn’ something. ‘The mind cannot simply forget a piece of information,’ said psychology professor Simon Chology-Prophesser. ‘To unlearn Ford would be like trying to learn why Citroen thinks DS is a separate company now. That is to say, completely pointless.’

Autonomous Volvo ‘won’t stop going to Waitrose’

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, May 11th, 2016

A autonomous Volvo, yesterday

A autonomous Volvo, yesterday

Volvo’s self-driving car programme hit trouble this week as engineers admitted the UK-based prototype ‘won’t stop going to Waitrose’.

‘We were delighted to be given permission to test our driverless technology in Britain,’ said Volvo’s autonomous car person Otto-Nomas Karr-Persson. ‘We didn’t realise that the XC90 prototype fitted with this technology would keep ignoring our algorithms and veering into the nearest Waitrose because it says it needs to pick up a bottle of balsamic vinegar and some langoustines.’

‘We don’t even know how it’s doing this,’ a distressed Karr-Persson continued. ‘Yesterday, for example, it was performing well in obstacle detection and anticipation trials, then suddenly the system flashed up a message saying it needed to pick up a click & collect order of John Lewis bed linen and drove straight into Waitrose car park. It’s compromising our tests. Also, we can’t get our data logger in the glovebox because it’s full of bags for life.’

In similar news, Land Rover is reported to be having similar trouble with its new autonomous off-road driving mode on the Range Rover Sport. ‘It thinks we mean mount the pavement outside the Wilmslow Aga shop,’ admitted a spokesman.