Archive for the ‘News’ Category

2015 Belgian GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News, Trentham Sleaves by Sniff Petrol on Friday, August 21st, 2015

A look forward to this weekend’s race with F1 journalist and irritating tit TRENTHAM SLEAVES

trenthamsleaves1What do you think of when you think of Formula 1? For me, F1 is sharing a drink with a dear friend like Alain, or hearing an old mate like Mika quipping ‘I’m sorry, who are you?’, or enjoying the humour of a great chum like Fernando asking security to remove me from the building again. But when I think of F1, I also think of tracks and none more so than Spa.

The modern tracks like China and Russia are of course wonderful and I completely agree with everything about them, but there’s a spirit to an old timer like the great lady Spa which you simply cannot replicate. As you stand in the distinctive split level paddock, as I was earlier today, you can literally smell history in your nostrils and its heady aroma intoxicates you in a way that you simply cannot understand unless you are actually which I think I’ve already made clear, I am.

Of all the old tracks, I would say that Spa is my favourite, alongside Silverstone and Monza and Interlagos, which are also my favourites. One of the things I like about this place is the chance to pop into Spa itself, as I did last night, and visit a charming little Italian trattoria off the beaten track, the name of which discretion prevents me from mentioning. It really is a locals’ haunt and you’re well advised to steer clear unless you, like me, are able to order in Belgian. As I feasted on my spaghetti di water and sunglasses with a side plate of postage stamps, I reflected on some of the great victories that Spa has seen from some of my great friends like Davey, Mikey and of course dear departed Ayrty.

Later that evening as I strolled through the town, I happened upon another Spa winner in the form of a certain British world champion turned Sky TV pundit who I will not name. I tapped him on the shoulder and, with typical wit, he shouted ‘I’ve told you, leave me ALONE!’ and then pushed me into some railings. Priceless!

As to who will take the legendary chequered symbol of success here in the typically variable conditions of old mistress Spa, I think it’s without question a rock solid bet that it will be a Mercedes, or a Ferrari or Red Bull with the possibility of a Williams surprise. Whatever happens, you can rest assured that I will have a nice, dry yet front row seat for all the action.

Because remember, I’m here and you’re not.

Everything just needs a re-gas

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, August 18th, 2015

Some gas, yesterday

Some gas, yesterday

There was delight amongst second hand car buyers today with news that everything just needs a re-gas.

‘I was looking at a seven year old Vectra and I was a bit concerned that the seller said the air-con didn’t work,’ explained local man person, Gresty Podes. ‘But then I noticed that he’d added “just needs a re-gas” and that completely reassured me that it’s nothing to worry about. In fact, I’m sure the constant clonk from the rear axle and the inability for the engine to run on all cylinders at the same time could also be solved by a re-gas, if the seller were to say so.’

‘It’s amazing how many things can be fixed because they just need a re-gas,’ explained Professor Knud Fliptit, Head of Totally Bullshit Excuse Studies at St Bernard College, Frigging. ‘Frankly, it’s amazing we haven’t achieve total peace in the Middle East yet when all it requires is someone with no actual knowledge of what they’re talking about to confidently declare that the situation “just needs a re-gas”.’

‘What does re-gas actually mean?’ said people who write it in ads for cars they’re selling, yesterday.

Recipe corner

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, August 11th, 2015

PASTA MALDONADO

Ingredients
PastaMaldonado– 150g of penne pasta
– 1 onion
– 1 garlic clove
– 125g cherry tomatoes
– 1 tbsp olive oil
– A pinch chili flakes
– 75kg carbon fibre
– 750bhp cream cheese
– Salt and chequebook

Preparation method
1. Bring a large pan of salted water to the boil, add the pasta and cook for 12 minutes. Be careful not to scald yourself… Ouch! Oh God, that burns!
2. Meanwhile finely chop the onions… Oh, shit! I’ve just stabbed myself in the face!
3. Next heat the oil in a large, deep frying pan… Oh Jesus H Christ, the whole kitchen’s on fire…
4. Continue to be allowed to cook for another season.

Recipe by Neil Batt

 

 

McLaren announces simplified car naming policy

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, August 5th, 2015

Some kind of McLaren, yesterday

Some kind of McLaren, yesterday

McLaren is to revise its naming policy for road cars in order to bring what the company calls ‘an enhanced quantity of logicalitiness’.

Under the new policy, each car’s name will start with a number which denotes the number of cylinders, followed by a two digit number to reflect engine capacity. Hence, the 650S will become the 838 while the new 570C will be known as the 838 and the more powerful 570S by the number 838. It’s thought that any future variants of the P1 will be badged 838.

To distinguish between bodystyles, a letter will be applied after the model number with C denoting a coupe while a convertible will be badged C. So, for example, the old 650S Spider will become the 838C while the new 570S coupe will be re-named the 838C.

‘This brings enhanced simplicitication,’ said a McLaren spokesman who has recently been re-named Ron to keep things clear. ‘We believe our human customer units will appreciate the optimised clarity of the naming policy situation, no matter whether they buy an 838C, an 838C or an 838C. Although of course, that model is sold out. The 838C I mean, not the 838C! Ha ha haaaaaa! Um…’

Ex-Top Gear presenters go mail order

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 31st, 2015

Some men, yesterday

Some men, yesterday

Former Top Gear presenters Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May are to star in a new Amazon car show which will arrive next year, as long as you order it before 5pm today.

Anyone signing up for the new Amazon programme will have Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May posted to them as soon as they are available. ‘Shipping for Richard Hammond is free,’ said an Amazon spokesman. ‘I’m afraid postage for Jeremy costs extra.’

‘I will be dispatched as soon as I’m ready,’ said TV’s James May, speaking on a phone that no one bought from inside an enormous warehouse beside the M1. ‘Is this item a gift?’ he added mysteriously

The actual contents of the new show are under wraps which are about five times the size of the thing inside them. However, rumoured subjects for the forthcoming series include, is a car faster across Europe than a funny review of a David Hasselhoff album, is a Range Rover better off road than a well-publicised day of bargain priced crap you don’t want, and which is the best hot hatch, the Golf GTI or this pack of plastic floor protectors to go under chair legs which are so weirdly cheap the postage is more than the value of the item?

Fans have been told not to worry about being in when the new series starts as it can always be left with a neighbour.

Civic Type R boasts bellend-o-meter

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 30th, 2015

The new bellend-o-meter, yesterday

The new bellend-o-meter, yesterday

Honda’s new Civic Type R won’t just boast a critically acclaimed chassis and turbocharged VTEC engine; it will also be the first car in the world to feature a gauge that tells you how much of a bellend you’re being.

‘The Civic Type R core market has always been bellends,’ explained Honda worker Wanda Herker. ‘Now, thanks to the new Type R’s bellend-o-meter, the driver will be able to keep an accurate watch on how bellendic he is being.’

The new system uses data from the ABS, traction control, accelerometers and driver monitoring cameras to give a real time score of bellendness. Actions such as performing a needlessly smokey start away from the traffic lights or getting into a race with a twat in an M3 around the bypass will be accurately and immediately shown on the bellend gauge so that the Type R driver has reassurance that he really is acting like a bellend.

Thanks to advanced in-built connectivity, the bellend gauge can also record bellendish events even when the car is off, such as going on the internet and making idiotic claims about your Civic Type R then getting into an argument with someone who doesn’t agree that it is the best car in the world.

The Honda bellend-o-meter will be standard on all Civic Type Rs, giving the new car a definite boost over the rival SEAT Leon Cupra which only offers an optional fool gauge.

Russia to let Kvyat see parents again

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 27th, 2015

Where Mr & Mrs Kvyat live, yesterday

Where Mr & Mrs Kvyat live, yesterday

After Daniil Kvyat’s sensational second place in the Hungarian Grand Prix, Russian president Vladimir Putin has personally authorised for the Red Bull driver to briefly see his parents again.

‘Daniil has brought great pride to Russia,’ said a Kremlin spokesman. ‘And as a reward for finally delivering on what was requested of him, his parents will be released temporarily from their shackles and allowed to leave the Strevaboksit bauxite processing facility so that they may enjoy a short amount of time with their son.’

Sources in Russia say Kvyat will spend up to 20 minutes with his parents after which he will be reminded that if he continues to bring great F1 glory to Russia, he will be allowed to see them again and perhaps even speak to them. As an additional bonus, if he performs well in October’s Russian Grand Prix, he can have some bits of his dog back.

‘Daniil is great example of a Russian in Formula 1,’ said our top-ranking government source. ‘Way better than that last idiot. The only reason he is still alive is because he has has promised to lend the president some of his Michael Jackson tapes.’

Tesla announces ‘Fucking HELL!’ mode

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 23rd, 2015

An Tesla Model S, yesterday

An Tesla Model S, yesterday

Tesla is to upgrade the performance of its Model S with a new ‘Fucking HELL!’ mode.

‘Fucking HELL!’ mode will access maximum acceleration and will sit at the top of a revised performance settings hierarchy, just above ‘Shitting CHRIST!’ and ‘Argh! My ORGANS!’

The new ‘Fucking HELL!’ mode is made possible by tweaks to the car’s electrical system which allow it to freeze the very fabric of time itself.

Taking inspiration from Elon Musk’s SpaceX programme, the Model S in ‘Fucking HELL!’ mode will then explode and claim that everything is fine, even though it clearly exploded.

‘Fly my beauties, fly,’ said Mr Musk, speaking from inside his hollowed out volcano. ‘I crush your head,’ he added, mysteriously.

 

“Top man”

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 21st, 2015

Not a day to be making jokes. Watch this instead.

 

 

 

 

11 signs your car needs a service

Posted in News by Buzzfact Clickbayte on Wednesday, July 15th, 2015

Does your car need a service? Thanks to Sniff Petrol’s internet-filling drivel correspondent BUZZFACT CLICKBAYTE, here are 11 signs that it could need a trip to the garage

carservicing

1. Garage rings and says, ‘Hello, our records show that your car needs a service’.

2. Grinding noise turns out not to be elderly gentleman with walking frame jammed underneath car this time.

3. Following items illuminated on dashboard; a) Check engine light. b) No, really, check engine light. c) Jesus Christ, can’t you see all that steam and brown stuff coming out of me light.

4. Garage rings and says, ‘Hi, just following up on our call last week about your car needing a service’.

5. Seeing Ross Kemp on Thursday for annual Cluedo evening and remember that last year it was on the same day you got your car serviced.

6. Last of the air has now left the tyres.

7. Garage rings and says, ‘Just to say we do have servicing appointments available all week if you’re interested in giving your car the yearly service that it requires’.

8. Visited by the ghost of previous, broken engine.

9. Definitely more noises than usual.

10. Villagers report seeing a mighty falcon in the valley.

11. Garage rings, apologises for hassling you about whole service thing.