Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Fiat sells off stuff

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, October 30th, 2014

Fiat, yesterday

Fiat, yesterday

Just a day after announcing plans to sell off 10 percent of Ferrari, cash strapped Fiat has revealed new schemes to raise money by selling portions of other well-known assets.

The sell off will start with the familiar 500 name, just under 10 percent of which will be offered to investors leaving the popular small car known as the Fiat 458.

The company is also committed to selling off 40 percent of each word-based model name which will leave a line-up consisting of the Pan, the Pun, the Dob and the Bra.

Finally, the Italians will streamline the name of their own company by a quarter and that of their American division by over a third, leaving the group known as Fat Cryer.

‘This is best for everyone,’ said FGA boss So chin.

Button to ‘drive it like he hired it’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, October 29th, 2014

Jenson Button, yesterday

Jenson Button, yesterday

McLaren sources say a disillusioned Jenson Button is going to ‘drive it like he hired it’ at this weekend’s US Grand Prix.

‘Jenson really doesn’t give a monkey’s knob about things any more so he’s going to treat the shitty MP4-29 like it’s a rental,’ confided an insider close to the razor-phobic driver. ‘Expect a bloody massive burn-out off the line and a lot of handbrake turns. I mean, A LOT.

Our mole says Button will also attempt to change gear without the clutch, rev the car almost to the red line in second and then bang it back into first ‘to see what noise it makes’, and might drive up a ‘really bumpy’ track into the woods at high speed, ‘if no one’s looking’.

As a final act, the British driver will probably leave the footwell full of tear offs and dump the car as soon as the race is over, hot footing it to the airport before any inspection can ask why there’s loads of sand stuck to the sills.

‘Isn’t this about the point where you put in a Pastor Maldonado joke?’ said everyone, yesterday.

Ford announces Eyes Free technology

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, October 29th, 2014

Eyes Free in action, yesterday

Eyes Free in action, yesterday

Ford in the US has announced a radical new in-car technology designed to boost connectivity whilst removing the need to watch the road ahead, dubbed Eyes Free™.

‘As we see it, there are two things about driving that are a pain in the ass,’ said company tech specialist, Tex Peshialist. ‘First of all, it’s tough to stay online. Second of all, so-called ‘safety’ experts say you’ve gotta pay attention to the road ahead. Eyes Free™ solves both those problems by simply replacing the windshield with a huge screen. Now you can check your emails, surf the net and watch movies without the stress of worrying what’s in front of you.’

‘The state of the art screen is built right into the car so you’ll never miss an email,’ Mr Peshialist continued. ‘Unlike that old lady crossing the street, who you certainly won’t!’

Ford sources say the expense of fitting an enormous screen between the A-pillars has precluded spending any more money on radar guidance or autonomous steering and the driver of a car fitted with Eyes Free™ will instead know if they are veering off course by the medium of ‘good old fashioned crunching sounds. And screaming’.

‘This is the next step in affordable, versatile and insanely dangerous in-car connectivity,’ Mr Peshialist boasted. ‘And it will be in Ford showrooms just as soon as someone can get a prototype out of our parking lot without a collision… oh Jesus no! Brake! BRAKE! AHHHHHHHH…’

F1 retro grid filling plan

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, October 28th, 2014

The future of F1, yesterday

The future of F1, yesterday

With Caterham and Marussia out of this weekend’s US Grand Prix, Formula 1 bosses have come up with a radical plan to fill the vacant grid spots using shit teams from the past.

First to enter the competitive tendering process is Andrea Moda who say they can ‘definitely be not ready’ by the weekend. As an added retro bonus, the team say they will bring along former driver Perry McCarthy and then not let him compete. ‘I used to be The Stig!’ he quipped.

Not to be outdone, Super Aguri have staked their claim to the back row, claiming to have some manky old Arrows chassis’ at the ready. ‘When was the deadline?’ asked a spokesman. ‘Yesterday? Oh Christ, not again.’

Also throwing their uselessly unaerodynamic hat into the ring is Mastercard Lola who insist their car should be competitive this time, as long as everyone else promises ‘not to drive too fast’, and Leyton House who have already asked for help from former technical director Adrian Newey on the understanding that they will then sack him.

Not to be outdone, Life has mounted an audacious bid to join the action on the basis that F1’s current engines are not working and what the sport needs is a heavy, underpowered lump that doesn’t deliver. ‘Sounds like an improvement,’ said a spokesman for Lotus.

Only two teams will be selected to take part in Austin, occupying positions 18 to 21 on the grid, just ahead of an inevitably penalised Pastor Maldonado.

Honda announces new security system

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, October 28th, 2014

An Honda, yesterday

An Honda, yesterday

Honda has announced a radical new anti-theft system, dubbed Security Enhanced Neuro Intelligence Locking Electronics or SENILE.

The highly advanced system works using a number of sensors, starting with one in the rooflining which looks for hair that is grey or completely absent. If its readings do not match these parameters the engine will not start.

The hair sensor compares its readings with another sensor in the seats which looks for a slow, arthritic entry to the car and scans for a faint smell of piss.

The final component of the system is a sensor within the pedal box that will not allow the car to set off unless the engine is revved far too much and the clutch slipped to the point of melting. This works in league with external sensors that alert the police if the car is not almost immediately scraped into another car or low wall and then continues without the driver noticing.

‘This new system acts as if it is at one with our customers,’ said a Honda spokesman. ‘SENILE is the typical Honda driver. And the typical Honda driver is SENILE.’

F1 teams to miss next race

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, October 27th, 2014

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

Following news that Caterham and Marussia will miss the forthcoming US Grand Prix, F1 sources say that Ferrari has also been given special dispensation to sit out the next race because ‘it’s not fair’ and they ‘don’t want to play’.

Ferrari’s absence will mirror that of rivals McLaren who say that Sam Michael ‘forgot to book’ their tickets to the US and struggling Lotus who say that employing Pastor Maldonado means they have now ‘run out’ of spare parts and cannot take part in the American race.

Also missing the Austin event will be Sauber, who have been excused because it clashes with the important Swiss National Festival of Quietness, Force India, who have blown the rest of the their 2014 budget on re-signing Nico Hulkenberg, Red Bull, who have ‘had enough of this stupid season’ and ‘didn’t want to win anyway’, and Toro Rosso, who do whatever Red Bull does.

F1 management insists the race in Texas will go ahead and that they will be able to honour their contract with local organisers. In unrelated news, Williams and Mercedes have been asked to enter the US Grand Prix with 10 cars teams.

Caterham dispute escalates

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, October 24th, 2014

Caterham, yesterday

Caterham, yesterday

A war of words has broken out this week between the new and former owners of the beleaguered Caterham F1 team.

New buyers Engavest SA released a statement yesterday in which they said, ‘Oh my God, right, Tony Fernandes, right, he’s, like, such a liar and stuff. Has he been chattin’ about us, yea? Don’t believe what he say, right, cos Joanne, right, she heard that he was, like, slagging us off and shit at Shania Jackson’s party, right, and that’s just, like, so disrespectful, cuz he said we ain’t done things and we ain’t ain’t done them things, innit. Know wha’ I mean?’

For his part, Fernandes was quick to respond. ‘Oh my God, that is like so rude,’ he said in an official statement last night. ‘Engavest like totally owes me cash, yea? And they been, like, round at Kelly’s mum’s house saying I ain’t give ‘em nothing and that might be true, yea, but that is SO unfair cuz they still owes me for the team and the stuff and I like totally bought them a bottle of WKD from the offie before Jamie Preston’s party and they like never paid me back and shit.’

The argument resumes today, probably on the bench outside the chip shop.

GM in radical new recall policy

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, October 23rd, 2014

GM's Detroit headquarters, yesterday

GM’s Detroit headquarters, yesterday

After yet more embarrassing recalls around the world, bosses at GM headquarters in Detroit have decided it will be cheaper and quicker to cancel all recall action and simply turn back the very fabric of time.

To this end, all recalls have been called off and all current product development work put on hold. Instead, the entire company will now focus on the creation of a sophisticated jet pack system that will allow GM CEO Mary Barra to fly round and round the earth until time itself is put into reverse.

The high powered jet pack plan was chosen over a rival scheme in which a 1980s vehicle was fitted with a flux capacitor and driven at 88mph through a shopping mall car park. ‘We got the idea from that documentary, Back To The Future,’ admitted R&D boss, Aaron D. Boss. ‘But it just didn’t seem feasible. One, Mary doesn’t suit a red down-filled vest. Two, DeLorean is not a GM company so we’d have to use a 1983 Pontiac Grand Prix and we’re not totally certain it could do 88.’

‘Fortunately, we came across the jet pack idea in a documentary called Superman,’ Boss continued. ‘Sure, it eventually left the Clarke Kent guy in a wheelchair thinking his name was Christopher but Mary believes that would be a small price to pay for being able to travel back to the year 2001 and just telling everyone to do their goddam jobs properly.’

 

Sam Michael to leave McLaren

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, October 23rd, 2014

Sam Michael, yesterday

Sam Michael, yesterday

McLaren has announced that Sam Michael is to step down as sporting director at the end of the season because the team is now ‘more than crap enough’.

‘Before we brought Sam on board we were dangerously close to winning world championships,’ admitted a Woking insider. ‘Thankfully, with his experience of making Williams completely rubbish, we were able to become the disappointing team we are today with a level of mediocrity we could only get from Sam. Or perhaps a Peugeot engine.’

‘We are delighted with the soul-crushing dismalness we have achieved and that’s why it’s the right time for Sam to leave his role as sporking director,’ explained another high ranking source. ‘Of course, we are aware of what happened at Williams after Sam left. They became quite good. But hopefully our new Honda engine won’t work properly and we’ll be able to maintain this level of depressingly poor performance in his absence.’

‘We are sorry to see Sam Michael leave his role as spurting director,’ said an official McLaren statement. ‘In particular, team personnel will miss their regular games of trying to guess what the fuck he actually does around here’.

Rally update

Posted in Motorsport, News by Bob Bulhat on Wednesday, October 22nd, 2014

An rally car, yesterday

An rally car, yesterday

Sniff Petrol rallying correspondent BOB BULHAT brings us up to date with all the latest special stage action

Last weekend the Junior Global Rally World Championship Rally Formula 2 Series action moved to the legendary forest stages of Scandinavia for the infamous 18 Fjords Rally of Norway and all eyes were on championship leader Marcus Stromenekelsson who was once again looking to take top spot in his VW Jetta JGRWCR F2 R.

Stromenekelsson made a strong start on the first 12 stages but by stage 13, taking place in the challenging Tromjspellellielli Forest, he was feeling the heat from championship rival Juni Spjunkhatterplatten in the ever-improving Peugeot 108 Juniormax GRWCRF2 S-plus who was breathing down his neck, just 10 minutes behind.

As if that wasn’t thrilling enough, from stages 15 to 27 local hero Lars-Tjorben Majerfatterplotterploppen in third spot managed to close the gap to an incredible 17 minutes before misjudging the jump on the penultimate hairpin and rolling end-over-end down a mountainside. As a result, his Renault Clio JuGloWoCha F2-R RS Evolution 3 S needed completely rebuilding from scratch whilst Majerfatterplotterploppen and his co-driver Knut Holvenovenovenovenovenoven required an overnight stay in hospital, knocking them back to fourth place.

Their misfortune was to the benefit of the Kia Rio Global World Rally F2 Junior R-spec R S-Series R driven by former Rally World Series Championship Rally World Rally Junior Senior Formula 9 champion Harry-Barry Skaerjerfjordenbjurgebordenalltrainsterminateatmorden who moved up to third despite an enormous accident on stage 46 in which his car tumbled two miles down a mountain side, caught fire and was then buried under an avalanche, losing him a nail biting two days. Nonetheless, the Swedish driver was able to put in a sensational drive on the muddy final stages of the Snasvurtersputern-Mortenharket Valley and was able to proudly stand in third spot on the overlit, night time floor level podium in the town square of Vatnathatbatcatsatratpatstraterhjo.

It remains to be seen if the top three can maintain their searing pace when the action moves to the arid landscape and 900 stages of the legendary Rally du Dust in just eight weeks’ time.