Archive for the ‘News’ Category

New MX5 wish list

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 24th, 2014

An Mazda MX5, yesterday

An Mazda MX5, yesterday

Later this year Mazda will reveal a brand new MX5. At the moment little is known about this vital new model but here are a few things Sniff Petrol would like to see, and NOT like to see, in the Japanese company’s fourth generation roadster.

YES! Keep the name as ‘MX5’ or ‘Miata’ depending on market.
NO! Change the name in all markets to ‘the Mazda Twatstain’.

YES! Make the body even lighter for lively performance and agile handling.
NO! Accidentally fill the passenger compartment and boot with a simply enormous number of bowling balls.

YES! Offer a simple range of light, revvy four cylinder engines.
NO! Inexplicably fit a badly maintained, foul smelling and leaky single-cylinder diesel engine from a dumper truck.

YES! Retain a short, precise, mechanical gear shift action.
NO! Inadvertently wire the gear lever to an insanely high voltage electrical supply that actually gets even stronger as revs rise.

YES! Use clear, simple analogue instruments.
NO! Install a ventilation system that constantly tries to fire wasps at your face and body.

YES! Fit simple, comfortable sports seats.
NO! Needlessly cover all available interior surfaces with rotating knives and sticky things.

YES! Give the interior plenty of useful cubby spaces for phones, wallets etc.
NO! Fit a gun inside the glovebox that goes off every time the car hits a bump.

YES! Keep the starting price relatively affordable.
NO! Introduce a scheme in which signing dealer paperwork leads to six years of constant extortion from an endless stream of masked men visiting your house in the middle of the night.

YES! Offer bright, vivid paint options.
NO! Write the word PAEDOCAR down the sides in illuminated letters.

New NSX not ready

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 24th, 2014

A model of the new NSX, yesterday

A model of the new NSX, yesterday

Days after spy pictures apparently showed the new Honda NSX lapping the Nurburgring, sources within the company admit that the new car is nowhere near ready.

According to our insider, the NSX’s problems began when the team was moved to California in order to benchmark rival products.

‘This has been a super optimized fun project to work on,’ enthused one member of the engineering team. ‘We all rented a house in LA and then took a bunch of Porsche 911s and benchmarked them to Vegas where we also benchmarked some casinos and some cocktails and the head of stability control systems later benchmarked his bathroom with some sick. We also benchmarked the Dodge Viper to Malibu to benchmark some surfing and the Lexus LFA to the Nappa Valley where we benchmarked some wine and then there was the time I benchmarked an Audi R8 all the way to Reno and then benchmarked some hookers and one of them actually gave me a benchmark while I was driving. But anyway, to answer your question, no. We haven’t done our homework.’

Moving the team to Germany doesn’t seem to have helped matters, according to our insider. ‘I’ve already benchmarked several steins of strong beer and a plate of currywurst,’ he explained. ‘But we’ve also sent a prototype out onto the ‘Ring to be photographed by spies, just in case management start asking questions. Between you and me, it’s basically just MDF and No More Nails with a scooter engine in the middle.’

However, our man seemed relaxed about the seven years his team has spent benchmarking instead of developing a new NSX. ‘Look it’s fine,’ he insisted. ‘We’ll do what we did last time. Get it cobbled together and then let Ayrton Senna sort it out… He’s what? Oh God, when?’

Button splits with face hair

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

Button with his facial hair in happier times, yesterday

Button with his facial hair in happier times, yesterday

Jenson Button confirmed today that he has split up with his facial hair.

In an official statement the British driver said he had ‘tried for a long time to make it work’ but that in the end ‘it just wasn’t to be’.

Button had been on-off with his latest facial hair for over four years and in that time observers had often wondered how long he would last before realising it was basically just straggly bum fluff. It now seems the McLaren driver has had enough of looking like a student on a gap year or a shit impression of Chris Martin.

At present it’s not known what will happen to Button’s scrappy face fuzz although when he parted company with his previous facial hair it swiftly returned to the paddock with Romain Grosjean.

This week is not all bad news for British drivers and beards, however, as Max Chilton confirmed that two hairs have now appeared on his chin. Slowly.

With thanks to Richard Turton

New anniversary edition Mini

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2014

An Mini, yesterday

An Mini, yesterday

Mini has announced a new special edition created to mark 10 years of people moaning about the Mini on the internet.

Called the Oh God, Not This Shit Again Edition, the new car commemorates a whole decade of awful bores droning on about how the new Mini ‘misses the point’ even though they seem to have long forgotten the point themselves.

The Oh God, Not This Shit Again Edition boasts several unique features including a sanctimonious exhaust note, repetitive sat-nav and upholstery that depicts Sir Alec Issigonis ‘turning in his grave’.

The car will come with a specially created commemorative booklet which attempts to outline a brief history of the Mini but soon veers inexorably into a dull and ill-informed rant about how BMW ‘stole’ the name from Rover.

As a finishing flourish, the bootlid badge has been modified to read, ‘Mini? Maxi more like’ in an annoying way.

The Mini Oh God, Not This Shit Again Edition will be too expensive and too big and you wouldn’t catch me driving one of those, not in a month of Sundays and why have cars got so big anyway it’s because of all those airbags which are completely pointless unless you’re a meddling EU bureaucrat and don’t get me started on etc etc etc

Williams strategy secrets revealed

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 21st, 2014

An Williams, yesterday

An Williams, yesterday

Williams has revealed that its recent return to form is the result of re-training of the team’s race strategists using the world’s most complicated and unpredictable phenomenon – a Johnny Herbert interview question.

‘Sometimes a race can end in a way you didn’t expect when it started, just like one of Johnny’s questions,’ a Williams source explained. ‘By carefully analysing Johnny’s interview technique we were able to re-calibrate our race strategy protocols to adapt to surprising and inexplicable changes in pace, direction and focus, just as interviewees are forced to do when Johnny is grilling them.’

‘The main thing we have learnt by observing Johnny’s interview method is to be adaptable and never go too early with a possible reaction as the outcome is changeable and might not be known yet, even to the person asking the question,’ our source continued. ‘Of course, this can take far longer than is necessary and lead to a high level of confusion, but in those circumstances all we can do is hope that Damon Hill will look a bit puzzled and then change the subject.’

‘Well this is all rather marvellous,’ said Claire Williams cheerily. ‘Now, who wants tea and cake?’

With thanks to Richard Turton

Nico Rosberg around the world

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Last week Lewis Hamilton disparaged Nico Rosberg by saying he was ‘not German’. In fact, the British driver was wrong because German is one of 42 nationalities Rosberg holds. Here are some amazing facts about the world championship leader and how he is known in some of his many, many homelands.

- In Ireland, Nic O’Rosberg is a legend amongst small children. Parents tell their kids to get to their beds or they will be chased by a man wearing one glove with a watch drawn on the back of it.

- In South Africa Nicor Osberg is a similar character who scares small children by pursuing them, pausing only to take a real watch off a small pillow which he them puts on without question.

- If you live in Greece you will be very familiar with the folklore of Nicoros Berg, a strange man who is the patron saint of nice blonde hair.

- Over in Denmark, Nic Or Osberg is a popular playground game in which children decide whether to have a normal ear or one that sometimes looks a bit weird.

- If you grew up in Switzerland you’ll be familiar with the legend of Nicoro Sberg which means ‘man who claims to be from your country when it suits him’.

- In Slovakia, Nic Orosb Erg is a slang phrase which means, ‘Used to be friends with someone but not friends with them any more’.

- Finally, in Germany ‘Nicorosberg’ literally translates as ‘Monegasque bastard piggybacking on our World Cup glory’.

Maldonado gets own race series

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

Ahead of this weekend’s German Grand Prix, the FIA has announced that Pastor Maldonado is to be given his own race series.

‘All the teams have approached us at some point to complain about Maldonado damaging their cars with his idiotic antics on the track,’ explained an FIA spokesman. ‘So from now on, he’ll race separately in his own series where he can caper about smashing into things to his heart’s content.’

Under the new plan, Maldonado will ‘race’ his Lotus ahead of the actual Grand Prix, aiming to complete as many laps as possible. Typically, this we be about 17. He will be joined on the track by a gaggle of other expendable buffoons including Yuji Ide, Chanoch Nissany and Luca Badoer, all of whom he can collide with at will. The ‘winner’ will be one who stays out on the track for the longest and will be awarded a pouch of Capri Sun and a box of non-toxic crayons.

‘The crowd will love their inept blundering and the teams will love knowing it’s an old Mastercard Lola chassis getting bent again, not their proper cars,’ our FIA source explained. ‘This will be the ultimate spin off series. Literally. We’re thinking of calling it Formula Wank.’

New range topping Range Rover

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, July 16th, 2014

The new Range Rover, yesterday

The new Range Rover, yesterday

Land Rover today announced the Range Rover Minster, a new flagship which comes loaded with exclusive features including 22-inch wheels, dark finished exterior trim and a 15th century gothic belltower.

Inside, the Minster boasts all the features you would expect including sat-nav, radar cruise control and a centre-console-mounted baptismal font made of limestone and believed to date back to medieval times. Land Rover says the car also features cutting edge in-car entertainment comprising of DAB radio, Bluetooth audio streaming and a 30 person choir mounted in the left transept.

Unsurprisingly for a top-of-the-range machine, the Range Rover Minster is equipped with almost everything as standard including an electrically powered tailgate, multi-zone climate control and a 79-stop 18th century pipe organ. Nonetheless, there are one or two items on the options list including extra candles, more flowers and an archbishop.

The Range Rover Minster is powered by Land Rover’s supercharged 5-litre V8 petrol engine which has been modified for this role and now demands a service every Sunday.

Land Rover admits that fitting a Range Rover with solid wooden pews, a stone floor and an enormous gothic belltower has added a few kilos but insists that it still weighs less than a Discovery.

 

Grosjean’s head ‘getting narrower’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, July 16th, 2014

Grosjeanheadshrink

Romain Grosjean in the future, yesterday

There was concern at Lotus today with news that Romain Grosjean’s head seems to be getting narrower.

‘It’s all a bit weird. I mean, he’s always had quite a narrow head, but now it’s definitely getting narrower,’ said one team insider. ‘At the start of the season he was sort of normal. Now he looks like Dean Gaffney. If this carries on, our computer models predict that by time we get to Singapore he could be mistaken for Nicholas Lyndhurst.’

‘We’re not sure why his head is getting narrower or if the narrowing affects his driving,’ our mole continued. ‘But on the plus side, it does make him more aerodynamic.’

There is no medical explanation for why Grosjean’s head might be getting narrower. However, one F1 doctor suggested that the French driver could be suffering from the opposite of a condition that once afflicted Lewis Hamilton in which his head got so big he had to leave McLaren.

 

Vauxhall announces Menopause edition

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014

An Cascada, yesterday

An Cascada, yesterday

Vauxhall has decided to reflect the sole customer base of medium sized convertibles with a new special edition model, dubbed the Cascada Menopause.

The Menopause edition features a number of unique touches including slowly disappearing back seats and a heater that suddenly gets hot and then cold and then hot again.

The limited run model also comes with a large tub of hair dye in the cupholder, a menthol cigarette dispenser and a pair of culottes.

The Cascada Menopause goes on sale next month and will cost about a fifth of the cash you got in the divorce.