Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Jag reveals new XE details

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, July 30th, 2014

A teaser shot of the new Jag, yesterday

A teaser shot of the new Jag, yesterday

Jaguar has released surprising new details of its forthcoming XE saloon which suggest that the vital new saloon will be more retro than expected.

‘The rakish, modern look of the XF and XJ is all well and good but what’s wrong with a lovely fluted bonnet and nice quartet of slightly awkward, not quite round headlights,’ a high ranking source said. ‘Likewise, it’s perfectly fine to trim the interior in modern materials like carbon fibre and aluminium but really, you can’t beat a lovely slab of wood and some old switches from a Ford Scorpio.’

The new car’s underpinnings won’t be quite as modern as some were expecting either. ‘We looked at engineering a brand new, all-aluminium platform but frankly it all sounded too complicated,’ our insider revealed. ‘So we’re just going to use the existing, well-proven mechanicals from another car. I can’t say too much but it rhymes with ‘Mord Fondeo’.’

‘We think this will work well,’ our informant insisted. ‘I mean, a car company can bang on about chasing dynamic, youthful customers but what about 74-year-old retired loss adjusters from Kettering? They might like a Jaguar too, especially if it has lots of chrome trim and a lovely wireless.’

Finally, our mole admits that the XE name did not research well and is to be scrapped. ‘People liked the X,’ he admitted. ‘But the E didn’t go down well so we’re replacing that with something else. We think ‘-type’ has a ring to it. Why are you sniggering?’

Crazy D at the 2014 Hungarian GP

Posted in News by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha in full effect on double Biddy Ciddle. Cuz transmittin’ tha race live is fo’ losers. So las’ weekend we Pesting like a Buda fo’ tha Hungarian Gee to tha Pee and all ma homies be makin’ one last push before the summizzle breakizzle.

Come tha trio of max attacks tings ain’t so gravy fo’ ma buddy Da Ham cuiz that cat be comin’ in hot. Literalizzle. That be some mad ass smoke ‘n’ flames action. Startin’ next to the shizzle kidz.

When tha red five go out, tha track be like tha inside of Crazy D’s jeans in this humid weather. Dampizzle in placeizzles. All tha cats be runnin’ on intermizzlediatizzle tyreizzles until ma homie M Double S get into a serious smackdown and they crack out tha S-to-tha-L-to-tha-S. Every brother be boxin’ like Ali to get down wit’ tha slick circles ‘cept ma bredren Jenny B cuz dem cats at MC Laren be chattin’ about more rain be comin’ an’ Tha B Man, he believe ‘em. Trouble is, when tha car that is safe be pullin’ off, that rain don’t come and Tha J be on tha wrong rubba. Unacceptabizzley poor longizzle rangeizzle weatherizzle forecastizzle.

Next ting, ma Mexico muthaflunker Sergy P be slammin’ it into tha PiWa and everyone be linin’ up behind B Maylizzle. That let ma super smiley homie D Riccy to take it to tha ones but that ain’t tha end of tings cuz suddenly who this be out in front but ma doin’ good tings with a shit car homie Nando. Meanwhile, ma mad skillz buddy Da Ham be cuttin’ through tha pack like Crazy D in a tighty trouser discount sale. But then who this be behind he but that blondie brother NiRo and he want tha homies on tha two-way to get Da Ham to move over. But Hammo, he ain’t down wit’ that shit cuz he be sayin’ NiRo gotta be all up on he diffuser before that shit gonna go down. Controversizzle teamizzle orderizzles that will be regretizzled after tha raceizzle. Izzle.

Come tha final few flybys, it be Nando on tha ones, Da Ham on the twos and D Riccy on tha three spot. But then tha downunder muthaflucker smackdown Da Ham and take it to Nando. Then NiRo be huntin’ dem down like Crazy D still in tha metaphorical trouser emporiumizzle but that cat jus’ can’t make tha moves an’ come tha wavy tablecloth it be D Riccy on tha ones, Nando on tha twos and Da Ham on tha threes but only Tha Riccster be smilin’. Jesus Christizzle, cheeruizzle upizzle you miserabizzle bastardizzles.

And dat be tha Hungarian Giddy Pizzle. Peace out.

Vettel makes kettle

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 28th, 2014

The Sebastian Kettle, yesterday

The Sebastian Kettle, yesterday

Following another disappointing result at the Hungarian Grand Prix, Sebastian Vettel has announced plans to make up for lost sponsorship and personal endorsements by launching a branded kitchen product called The Sebastian Kettle.

According to sources close to the German driver, The Sebastian Kettle will be able to boil water quite quickly but not quite as quickly as rival kettles from places such as Australia. However, each Sebastian Kettle will come with a booklet detailing how quickly the device used to be able to boil water between 2010 and 2013, perhaps because rival kettles weren’t quite as good then, especially ones from Australia.

A Vettel spokesman warned that the new device should not be boiled when other, faster kettles are being used nearby as it will cause The Sebastian Kettle to have a tantrum and spit out all of its water. This will require the person who has paid for The Sebastian Kettle to spend the next week or so gently telling the kettle that it is still special and their favourite of all the kettles.

The Sebastian Kettle will go on sale next month and will make an ideal present for a kitchenware loving motorsport fan to complement their worktop items such as The David Coulbox, The Gerhard Berger Grill and The Pedro de la Toaster.

With thanks to Richard Turton

2014 Hungarian GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, July 25th, 2014

F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks forward to this weekend’s Grand Prix

trenthamsleaves1The Hungarian Grand Prix has always held a special place in my heart for reasons that anyone in the paddock is sure to agree with. If you don’t know what I’m talking about I’m afraid it’s something that simply cannot be explained. Not that this affects my dear old mate Martin Brundle who I know and you don’t. He sometimes missed the Hungarian GP in the past and people often wondered why. Well, it would be indiscreet of me to reveal the real reason for this but suffice to say it really is a tremendous story and one that I often enjoy telling to my close personal friends such as Sir Stirling Moss and Sir Jackie Stewart and Sir Damon Hill who isn’t a knight but really should be because he’s tremendous company if you’ve ever spent time with him, which I have and you haven’t.

Last night I ventured into downtown Budapest – always a treat – and visited Grodogo’s, a restaurant legendary amongst the F1 circus for reasons I can’t divulge here. Suffice to say, a certain two-time world champion called Mika won’t be having the lobster again! It really was tremendously funny if you were there which I’m assuming you weren’t. I was.

As I dined alone, I suddenly remembered a tremendous anecdote from a few years ago here in Hungary which concerns my old mate, the legendary Alain Prost. I returned to my hotel one evening to find him in reception in a terrible flap. He was searching down the back of a nearby sofa and speaking quite urgently to the night porter. Then he looked under the sofa and down the back of the sofa and seemed really quite agitated. Well, it turned out he had misplaced his wallet and was convinced it had fallen out of his pocket when he had sat in reception earlier!   ‘Lost your wallet, professor?’ I joked. ‘Oh Jesus, you again,’ he shot back, quick as a flash. ‘Why don’t you just piss off you terrible smug bastard!’ You really had to be there. Which you weren’t.

As to this weekend’s Grand Prix, it would be foolish to speculate on who might take the chequered flag on Sunday. Suffice to say I think Mercedes look strong but Williams are on a charge and one should never overlook Red Bull or Ferrari or a resurgent McLaren or Force India or Sauber.

One thing is for certain; whatever happens I will be on the spot to enjoy all the action. Because remember, I’m here and you’re not.

New MX5 wish list

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 24th, 2014

An Mazda MX5, yesterday

An Mazda MX5, yesterday

Later this year Mazda will reveal a brand new MX5. At the moment little is known about this vital new model but here are a few things Sniff Petrol would like to see, and NOT like to see, in the Japanese company’s fourth generation roadster.

YES! Keep the name as ‘MX5’ or ‘Miata’ depending on market.
NO! Change the name in all markets to ‘the Mazda Twatstain’.

YES! Make the body even lighter for lively performance and agile handling.
NO! Accidentally fill the passenger compartment and boot with a simply enormous number of bowling balls.

YES! Offer a simple range of light, revvy four cylinder engines.
NO! Inexplicably fit a badly maintained, foul smelling and leaky single-cylinder diesel engine from a dumper truck.

YES! Retain a short, precise, mechanical gear shift action.
NO! Inadvertently wire the gear lever to an insanely high voltage electrical supply that actually gets even stronger as revs rise.

YES! Use clear, simple analogue instruments.
NO! Install a ventilation system that constantly tries to fire wasps at your face and body.

YES! Fit simple, comfortable sports seats.
NO! Needlessly cover all available interior surfaces with rotating knives and sticky things.

YES! Give the interior plenty of useful cubby spaces for phones, wallets etc.
NO! Fit a gun inside the glovebox that goes off every time the car hits a bump.

YES! Keep the starting price relatively affordable.
NO! Introduce a scheme in which signing dealer paperwork leads to six years of constant extortion from an endless stream of masked men visiting your house in the middle of the night.

YES! Offer bright, vivid paint options.
NO! Write the word PAEDOCAR down the sides in illuminated letters.

New NSX not ready

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 24th, 2014

A model of the new NSX, yesterday

A model of the new NSX, yesterday

Days after spy pictures apparently showed the new Honda NSX lapping the Nurburgring, sources within the company admit that the new car is nowhere near ready.

According to our insider, the NSX’s problems began when the team was moved to California in order to benchmark rival products.

‘This has been a super optimized fun project to work on,’ enthused one member of the engineering team. ‘We all rented a house in LA and then took a bunch of Porsche 911s and benchmarked them to Vegas where we also benchmarked some casinos and some cocktails and the head of stability control systems later benchmarked his bathroom with some sick. We also benchmarked the Dodge Viper to Malibu to benchmark some surfing and the Lexus LFA to the Nappa Valley where we benchmarked some wine and then there was the time I benchmarked an Audi R8 all the way to Reno and then benchmarked some hookers and one of them actually gave me a benchmark while I was driving. But anyway, to answer your question, no. We haven’t done our homework.’

Moving the team to Germany doesn’t seem to have helped matters, according to our insider. ‘I’ve already benchmarked several steins of strong beer and a plate of currywurst,’ he explained. ‘But we’ve also sent a prototype out onto the ‘Ring to be photographed by spies, just in case management start asking questions. Between you and me, it’s basically just MDF and No More Nails with a scooter engine in the middle.’

However, our man seemed relaxed about the seven years his team has spent benchmarking instead of developing a new NSX. ‘Look it’s fine,’ he insisted. ‘We’ll do what we did last time. Get it cobbled together and then let Ayrton Senna sort it out… He’s what? Oh God, when?’

Button splits with face hair

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

Button with his facial hair in happier times, yesterday

Button with his facial hair in happier times, yesterday

Jenson Button confirmed today that he has split up with his facial hair.

In an official statement the British driver said he had ‘tried for a long time to make it work’ but that in the end ‘it just wasn’t to be’.

Button had been on-off with his latest facial hair for over four years and in that time observers had often wondered how long he would last before realising it was basically just straggly bum fluff. It now seems the McLaren driver has had enough of looking like a student on a gap year or a shit impression of Chris Martin.

At present it’s not known what will happen to Button’s scrappy face fuzz although when he parted company with his previous facial hair it swiftly returned to the paddock with Romain Grosjean.

This week is not all bad news for British drivers and beards, however, as Max Chilton confirmed that two hairs have now appeared on his chin. Slowly.

With thanks to Richard Turton

New anniversary edition Mini

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2014

An Mini, yesterday

An Mini, yesterday

Mini has announced a new special edition created to mark 10 years of people moaning about the Mini on the internet.

Called the Oh God, Not This Shit Again Edition, the new car commemorates a whole decade of awful bores droning on about how the new Mini ‘misses the point’ even though they seem to have long forgotten the point themselves.

The Oh God, Not This Shit Again Edition boasts several unique features including a sanctimonious exhaust note, repetitive sat-nav and upholstery that depicts Sir Alec Issigonis ‘turning in his grave’.

The car will come with a specially created commemorative booklet which attempts to outline a brief history of the Mini but soon veers inexorably into a dull and ill-informed rant about how BMW ‘stole’ the name from Rover.

As a finishing flourish, the bootlid badge has been modified to read, ‘Mini? Maxi more like’ in an annoying way.

The Mini Oh God, Not This Shit Again Edition will be too expensive and too big and you wouldn’t catch me driving one of those, not in a month of Sundays and why have cars got so big anyway it’s because of all those airbags which are completely pointless unless you’re a meddling EU bureaucrat and don’t get me started on etc etc etc

Williams strategy secrets revealed

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 21st, 2014

An Williams, yesterday

An Williams, yesterday

Williams has revealed that its recent return to form is the result of re-training of the team’s race strategists using the world’s most complicated and unpredictable phenomenon – a Johnny Herbert interview question.

‘Sometimes a race can end in a way you didn’t expect when it started, just like one of Johnny’s questions,’ a Williams source explained. ‘By carefully analysing Johnny’s interview technique we were able to re-calibrate our race strategy protocols to adapt to surprising and inexplicable changes in pace, direction and focus, just as interviewees are forced to do when Johnny is grilling them.’

‘The main thing we have learnt by observing Johnny’s interview method is to be adaptable and never go too early with a possible reaction as the outcome is changeable and might not be known yet, even to the person asking the question,’ our source continued. ‘Of course, this can take far longer than is necessary and lead to a high level of confusion, but in those circumstances all we can do is hope that Damon Hill will look a bit puzzled and then change the subject.’

‘Well this is all rather marvellous,’ said Claire Williams cheerily. ‘Now, who wants tea and cake?’

With thanks to Richard Turton

Nico Rosberg around the world

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Last week Lewis Hamilton disparaged Nico Rosberg by saying he was ‘not German’. In fact, the British driver was wrong because German is one of 42 nationalities Rosberg holds. Here are some amazing facts about the world championship leader and how he is known in some of his many, many homelands.

- In Ireland, Nic O’Rosberg is a legend amongst small children. Parents tell their kids to get to their beds or they will be chased by a man wearing one glove with a watch drawn on the back of it.

- In South Africa Nicor Osberg is a similar character who scares small children by pursuing them, pausing only to take a real watch off a small pillow which he them puts on without question.

- If you live in Greece you will be very familiar with the folklore of Nicoros Berg, a strange man who is the patron saint of nice blonde hair.

- Over in Denmark, Nic Or Osberg is a popular playground game in which children decide whether to have a normal ear or one that sometimes looks a bit weird.

- If you grew up in Switzerland you’ll be familiar with the legend of Nicoro Sberg which means ‘man who claims to be from your country when it suits him’.

- In Slovakia, Nic Orosb Erg is a slang phrase which means, ‘Used to be friends with someone but not friends with them any more’.

- Finally, in Germany ‘Nicorosberg’ literally translates as ‘Monegasque bastard piggybacking on our World Cup glory’.