Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Geneva Show, Geneva Show, Geneva Show

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, March 4th, 2015

Geneva, yesterday

Geneva, yesterday

Geneva Show, neutral ground, shores of Lake Geneva, world’s manufacturers, pleasingly compact.

Exciting new concept, latest design language, confident stance, 22-inch wheels, hybrid drivetrain, details to be confirmed, unlikely to make production.

New supercar, latest design language, increased power output, breathtaking looks, hybrid drivetrain, price to be confirmed.

Important new family car, latest design language, enhanced interior quality, range of diesel engines, hybrid drivetrain, shows company’s serious intent in the class.

Geneva Geneva Geneva blah blah blah subs to fill.

European Car Of The Year is a car

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2015

The European Car of the Year logo, yesterday

The European Car of the Year logo, yesterday

The 2015 European Car of the Year award has been won by a car.

The car was announced as the winner yesterday, following an extensive voting process in which the car was assessed against some other cars that were also cars.

‘We felt that the car was an excellent example of a car,’ said ECotY spokesman, Carl Carr. ‘There were a lot of cars in the running this year, but we believe the winner is, without question, a car’.

‘We are very proud to receive this car award for our car,’ said the car makers responsible for the car. ‘In a very competitive sector of cars, we have worked hard to make sure it is a car’.

Help for struggling F1 team

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, March 2nd, 2015

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

The controversial topic of assistance for struggling F1 teams is set to rear its head again today as Formula One Management meets to discuss possible help for ailing back-marker McLaren.

‘It’s hard not to feel sorry for McLaren,’ admitted an FOM insider. ‘The car is terrible, their new driver is pulling a sicky and, given the sound of his voice, the other chap still has a cold.’

F1 bosses will meet to discuss ways in which they might help McLaren, perhaps offering technical assistance to make their engine work for more than 20 minutes or intervening to stop Fernando Alonso continuing with his ‘no win, no fee’ claim for whiplash caused by an accident at work.

‘At the very least perhaps we can help out by trying to find them a proper sponsor,’ our insider admitted. ‘Given the pace of the car, we wonder if Mastercard would be interested.’

F1 fans reveal outdated views

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, February 27th, 2015

Carmen Jorda, yesterday

Carmen Jorda, yesterday

Following news that Lotus is to hire Carmen Jordá as a development driver, Formula 1 fans once again revealed age-old prejudices and outdated views as they took to the internet to criticize the Spanish driver simply because she is shit.

‘In 2015 a driver should not be singled out simply for being shit,’ said gender studies professor Jen der Stoodeez-Prohfessah. ‘These people would not even think of saying these things if Carmen Jordá was good, why do they say them simply because she is shit?’

‘This shows how much work F1 still has to do at beating prejudice,’ Prof. Stoodeez-Prohfessah continued. ‘It would be nice to think that we had all moved on from childishly focusing on irrelevant details about someone such as their woeful record in GP3.’

Lotus also jumped to defend their new signing after a rough ride from fans. ‘It is offensive and completely irrelevant to focus on Carmen’s lack of ability,’ said a team spokesman. ‘She has joined the team to do a job, and that job is to get photographed looking attractive in our overalls’.

Last Veyron celebrated

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, February 25th, 2015

An Bugatti Veyron, yesterday

An Bugatti Veyron, yesterday

Bugatti is to celebrate the sale of the very last Bugatti Veyron, a one-off limited edition called La Finale, with a brand new limited edition version of the Bugatti Veyron.

The new one-off, to be called La Finale Absolue, will be distinguished by a unique paint job and the words, ‘No really, this is it’ stitched into the seats.

To commemorate the production of this exclusive end-of-the-line car, Bugatti customers will be invited to buy a brand new and specially created limited edition final Veyron, called La Très Très Finale which will have a unique paint scheme and a bespoke dashboard plaque bearing the French expression for ‘There will be no more (probably)’.

This incredible last production car will be photographed at the factory, alongside a classic Bugatti Type 35, and also next to a brand new last-of-the-line Bugatti Veyron called Certainement La Finale which will boast unique paintwork and, on the passenger seat, a brochure for a brand new limited edition Veyron of some sort.

‘I see no problem with this,’ said Horacio Pagani, yesterday.

Alonso doc delivers bad news

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, February 24th, 2015

Dr Ernando Falonso, yesterday

Dr Ernando Falonso, yesterday

Following his accident in testing two days ago, Fernando Alonso must stay in hospital for ‘at least another nine months’ according to his personal physician, Dr Ernando Falonso.

Speaking to reporters in an unusual and inconsistent accent, Dr Falonso said that his patient was suffering from ‘many, many conditions too complex to explain here’, adding that these unspecified illnesses were ‘definitely not worth asking any further questions about’.

Dr Falonso went on to explain that he had written a personal letter to McLaren insisting that the Spanish driver remain on ‘full pay’ but that under no circumstances was he to be ‘made to drive a McLaren F1 car at any point’ and added that, as a doctor, he personally prescribed ‘contract termination’ in or around November 2015.

According to a statement in Spanish released by Alonso this morning, the driver was ‘really disappointed’ at news that he will not be able to take part in the 2015 season. ‘Oh no, I’ve just realized something!’ the statement concluded (in Spanish). ‘This means I won’t be able to drive that car! Oh well! Good luck Jenson!!!!’

Bond film hits Aston problem

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, February 23rd, 2015

The new Aston DB10, yesterday

The new Aston DB10, yesterday

Reports from the set of the new Bond film, Spectre, say action sequences involving 007’s Aston Martin DB10 may have to be re-shot after producers noticed that every scene involving the new sports car featured a car journalist in the passenger seat taking notes for an exclusive ride-along preview feature.

Insiders say the problem first came to light after a shoot at a British stately home in which Bond uses the Aston to make a dramatic exit in a hail of gunfire. After reviewing the rushes, the producers noticed that the tension and excitement of the scene was undermined by the presence of a car journalist in the Aston’s passenger seat writing something in his notebook about how the engine note sounded purposeful and it was striking how effortlessly the car seemed to respond to the driver’s control inputs.

Panicked by this discovery, the Bond team went back to footage of an adrenaline packed chase they had just shot in Rome and realised that once again the drama of Bond’s on-the-limit driving was completely spoilt by the presence of another British journalist in the DB10’s passenger seat noting that the chassis seemed very accomplished, although he would have to wait until he got behind the wheel on British roads to say for sure.

‘The Spectre team has been in touch to ask how we can prevent this from happening,’ admitted one Aston insider. ‘Unfortunately, it’s a new Aston that isn’t on sale yet. With that in mind, I’m afraid there’s always a strong chance there will be a journalist in the passenger seat. Whether it’s on the roads of North Wales, hammering round the Nurburgring or in the middle of a car chase with some baddies, they’ll still be there, putting together blandly uninformative guesswork about the way it drives’.

F1 freeze on facial hair

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, February 20th, 2015

An F1 beard, yesterday

An F1 beard, yesterday

Formula 1 bosses are attempting to bring more consistency to the sport by decreeing that all drivers must stick with one style of facial hair throughout the season.

‘It’s not popular with the fans when drivers change their facial hair all the time,’ said racing spokesman Ray Singh-Spowksmunn. ‘Imagine you’re a Jenson Button fan, for example. You’ve just perfected the straggly bumfluff look, exactly like your hero, and then he turns up at a race clean shaven. Or you really admire Fernando Alonso’s Three Musketeers beard and you’ve copied that, only to find he’s stopped trimming it and now looks like a sex pesty wine shop owner. That’s the sort of facial hair shenanigans we want to stamp out.’

In light of the new ruling, drivers are now under pressure to select their 2015 facial hair style before the season starts. Sources at Mercedes say Lewis Hamilton is likely to persist with ‘Amish Craig David’ whilst Nico Rosberg may adopt a radical style he calls ‘my dad in the ‘70s’.

Drivers who have already committed to a facial hair style include Romain Grosjean, who will stick with his existing ‘gap year student’ style, Felipe Massa, who will opt for ‘swarthy waiter’ and Max Verstappen, who hasn’t started shaving yet.

Skoda announces superber Superb

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, February 19th, 2015

The new Skoda Superber, yesterday

The new Skoda Superber, yesterday

Skoda has announced details of its new Superb, along with a surprise name change to the Superber.

‘The new Superb is superior to the old model,’ explained brand executive Brandy Gzecutiv. ‘To reflect that in the name we considered several options including the Skoda More Superb and the Skoda Superbist but we think Superber reflects that has greater superbness than the old Superb, which was already pretty superb.’

The new Superber shows off a sharper design that will be adopted by other forthcoming Skoda models including the Rapider and the Roomierster.

With thanks to JM

Car company teases press release

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, February 17th, 2015

That press release teaser, yesterday

That press release teaser, yesterday

A leading car company is about to put out a press release, according to a press release Sniff Petrol received earlier today.

Although the press release did not give specifics about the forthcoming press release, the press release did suggest that the press release is imminent and, tantalizingly, that it could be the much-rumoured press release about something.

‘Details of the press release are still under wraps,’ the press release teased. ‘However, we can confirm that the press release promises to contain information which we cannot tell you about in this press release’.

The press release was accompanied by a picture showing what appeared to be one corner of the forthcoming press release, although details were impossible to make out and it could have been simply the corner of a press release from three years ago.