Archive for the ‘News’ Category

By 2040 everyone should just calm the fuck down

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, July 26th, 2017

A stock photo, yesterday

In a surprise move, the government has today announced that by 2040 everyone should just calm the fuck down.

‘We will confirm further details of the plan in due course,’ explained environment spokesman, Ken Vironment-Spoesman. ‘But for now, I can confirm that 2040 is fucking ages away and everything will probably be okay.’

Under the terms of the plan, it’s believed that the Government intends for its proposal to be completely mis-reported to sound much worse than it is, and that the draft legislation will contain phased targets for ill-informed moronic panic before a final deadline of 2040, by which time everyone should just calm the fuck down.

‘Let me be clear, we are not going to ban existing mindless panic about things that are going to happen anyway,’ Mr Vironment-Spoesman continued. ‘But if people don’t show signs of calming the fuck down, we may have to look at more drastic measures such as telling everyone on Twitter to put a fucking sock in it.’

Every Volvo to come with bag for life

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 6th, 2017

Some Volvos, yesterday

Volvo has announced that from 2019 every car it makes with come with a reusable plastic bag you can take into the supermarket.

The Swedish company’s bold announcement is said to be in response to customer feedback which says that Volvo drivers are particularly concerned about arriving at the supermarket and then remembering they haven’t brought their own bag from home and getting the sinking feeling that the people who work in the supermarket are going to judge them for it.

‘It’s not the small outlay to buy another bag,’ explained Volvo boss Wol Voboss. ‘It’s the guilt at having to buy it, and that’s why Volvo is going full bag for life by 2019.’

Other manufacturers are expect to follow Volvo’s lead in the next few years, though none will confirm their plans at present. ‘We are actively developing bags for life for our cars,’ confirmed a spokesman for another major manufacturer. ‘But for the time being, we believe our customers are happy to say “oh bollocks, I forgot to bring a fucking bag again” and then struggle back across the car park cradling some bread, bog roll, a bag of salad and a massive plastic flagon of milk in their bare hands.’



FIA decides Vettel punishment

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 4th, 2017

The FIA logo, yesterday

After a special meeting on Monday to review Sebastian Vettel’s actions during the Azerbaijan Grand Prix, the FIA has concluded that the German driver is to be punished by having to read everyone’s opinions of his punishment on the internet.

‘We have carefully studied Sebastian’s incident with Lewis Hamilton in Baku,’ explained FIA spokesperson Effy Hay-Spowkespersson. ‘And we feel the most appropriate penalty we can impose is to sit him in front of a computer and make him read the endless self-righteous pontificating of armchair blog bores.’

‘Yes, we know this is extremely severe,’ Hay-Spowkespersson continued. ‘But we hope that Sebastian will have time to reflect on his recent behaviour as he slumps in front of a laptop scrolling through an apparently infinite number of self-elected experts relentlessly wanking on about bringing the sport into disrepute.’

Sources within the Ferrari team say Vettel could appeal against the FIA’s decision to make him read an unstoppable tide of pompous opinions and may ask for a less terrible punishment such as a race ban, licence suspension or being allowed to claw his own eyes out with a fork.

Yea, I murdered a homeless guy. So what? by Sebastian Vettel

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, June 27th, 2017

Hi guys! Four time world champion Seb Vettel here! So hey, yea, I murdered a homeless guy! So what? But somehow apparently this is ‘naughty’ and I am penalised for it! The world has gone so crazy! It’s just a totally normal thing that happens, ja? Why all the angry faces? Come on guys, it’s just the brutal slaying of a vagrant!

Look, the guy was totally testing me! Oh for sure, all the evidence says otherwise, but I know what happened and that dude totally deserved to lose his life in a needless street assault! Hey, come on guys, no big deal, it was just cruelly robbing another human of life!

You know, for sure, I was so shocked at all the fuss that at first I didn’t even know what everyone was talking about! What cold blooded stabbing of a tramp, I said? I mean, come on, this sort of thing goes on all the time! Are we really going to punish anyone who, maybe in the heat of the moment, casually knifes a rough sleeper in the back and then lets him bleed to death! Wow, what kind of example does that set for our sport! Are we truly going to say, no guys, don’t get into a late-night argument with a homeless man in an alleyway and then mercilessly extinguish his humanity with a flick knife?!

You know, for sure, we all do crazy things sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we should be punished every time we act in the heat of the moment whether it’s stabbing a homeless man, as I did, or shanking a shop assistant, which I also did! What? Oh come on, you can’t be ruling against that too? Jeez, lighten up guys!

Before you ask, no I won’t be talking to the guy I killed and I certainly won’t be apologising. That’s because he’s dead! But if I could speak to him I would say, hey, maybe next time you should think twice before doing nothing wrong whatsoever!

Why are you arresting me? Fuck off Charlie!

Ex-Brunei car comes up for sale

Posted in From the archives, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, June 5th, 2017

The Sultan of Brunei, yesterday

The Sultan of Brunei, yesterday

Cars once owned by the Sultan of Brunei are always highly sought after and a new acquisition by Titkettle Cars of Writhing in Agony is sure to be no exception. The vehicle in question is a 2003 Vauxhall Omega GLS with the desirable 2.2-litre engine and was thought to be driven not by the Sultan himself but by his cousin, Prince Ken.

‘As you’d expect, The Sultan and Prince Ken specced every luxury on this extraordinary motor car,’ says Titkettle Cars proprietor, Kit Titkettle. ‘This includes sumptuous grey cloth seats, a manually operated gearbox and electrically retractable windows front and rear.’

‘However, you won’t be surprised to learn that this stunning vehicle also comes with a host of features unlikely to be found on any other 2003 Vauxhall Omega GLS,’ Mr Titkittle continues. ‘These include a considerable quantity of cigarette ash in the carpets, a rare 1997 edition of the A-Z of Cardiff in the glovebox and a cassette tape which, having examined the markings on the outside, we believe to be nothing less than the very best of Chris Rea.’

‘We understand this car was used not in Brunei itself but was retained for use at Prince Ken’s private residence in Tilehurst, just outside Reading,’ Mr Titkettle explains. ‘And, as befits a car of this provenance, I’m looking for offers in the region of 8.5 hundred pounds.’

Indy 500 won by Takuma Sato?

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, May 30th, 2017

The Indy 500, yesterday

This weekend’s Indy 500 has been won by Takuma Sato. Wait, sorry, what, THE Takuma Sato? The legendary race was no, forgive me, just to be absolutely clear, we’re talking about the same Takuma Sato? Used to be at Jordan, right? Can someone double check this?

In a gripping 200 lap race, Sato took the lead just, no, again, sorry, just have to be clear on this; Takuma Sato who used to drive for BAR? Really? Wow. Well, erm, that’s something. Are we sure?

In a race which saw a spectacular lap 53 crash between Jay Howard and Scott Dixon, and retirements for big hitters including Ryan Hunter-Reay, Sato kept a level head and, no, look, really, this isn’t the same Takuma Sato who drove for Super Aguri, he must be, like, a million years old and when did he become any good? Seriously? God, well that’s a turn up for the books. Definitely Takuma Sato? No, no, fine, honestly, just checking. It just seems, you know, a bit unlikely. If you promise this isn’t a wind-up? Fine, okay.

Things didn’t work out so well for high profile rookie Fernando Alonso as the Spanish driver retired on lap 179, but there was better news for another familiar F1 name as fourth place was taken by Max Chilto… OH COME ON

Alonso ‘won’t stop talking about American things’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, May 11th, 2017

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

There was unrest in the McLaren pit today with news that Fernando Alonso won’t stop talking about American things.

‘Oh my God, it’s so boring,’ complained one anonymous team insider. ‘All he keeps saying is “did you know in America they do this” and “hey, you know in America they don’t do that” and then rolling down his overalls so that everyone can see that while he was in America he bought an Empire Strikes Back T-shirt.’

Sources say the Spanish driver has been walking around the paddock in Barcelona telling anyone who will listen about a film he saw while in America and which “isn’t out here for ages” and showing off his new Transformers toy which “you can’t get in the shops here”.

Spies inside McLaren hospitality add that the double world champion was seen at breakfast today loudly explaining that American cereal ‘has marshmallows in it’ before adding, ‘you know they call fizzy drinks “soda”, it’s so cool’.

‘Frankly, I think a lot of what he’s saying isn’t even true,’ grumbled one senior McLaren insider. ‘I mean, he even claims that in America their Honda engines work properly.’

New 911 GT3 to replace Jesus

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 27th, 2017

An church, yesterday

There was shock among church-goers today as the Archbishop of Canterbury announced plans to scrap Jesus as the spiritual figurehead of the Christian faith and replace Him with the new Porsche 911 GT3.

‘The Archbishop read all the reviews of the new 911 GT3 and experienced a moment of revelation,’ explained a Lambeth Palace spokesperson. ‘I mean, Jesus might have cured the sick, healed the wounded and fed 5000 people with just five loaves and two fish, but the new 911 GT3 is now available with a manual gearbox.’

‘Yes, you might argue that Jesus is a vital symbol of the church and that his teachings are the moral compass upon which all Christians rely,’ our source added. ‘But the new 911 GT3 is fitted with lighter bumpers front and rear and, despite its incredible abilities on a track, its ride quality on challenging roads remains surprisingly pliant.’

Church of England insiders say all depictions of Jesus will now be replaced with an image of a red 911 GT3 in a slightly over-saturated picture that makes it look orange while Bible stories commonly used for sermons and Sunday schools will be phased out in favour of passages in which the new 911 GT3 is acknowledged to rev to 9000rpm, delivering its power in a wonderfully linear way.

‘Blessed be the 911 GT3 for it is our new saviour,’ said one high-ranking member of the clergy. ‘Although having read the reviews for it, I would remind car journalists that masturbation is technically a sin.’

Britain to decide on 8 June

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 19th, 2017

McLaren, yesterday

In a surprise move, Prime Minister Theresa May has called for Britain to decide if it is going to keep supporting McLaren.

Setting a deadline of 8 June, Mrs May made it clear that the country must ‘commit to its support’ of the once-good team or abandon that support and ‘just, you know, think about buying a Williams T-shirt or something’.

‘Mrs May wants to move forward with a clear mandate from the British people,’ explained political analyst Paul Itticalan-Alicst. ‘Do we admit that McLaren are just terrible now and not worth the heartache or do we keep rooting for the team and maintaining a clear policy of saying things like, “No, really, I hear they’ve got some more engine updates coming for the next race”?’

The date of 8 June is significant since it follows the Monaco Grand Prix and the brief return of Jenson Button, filling in for Fernando Alonso while he takes his despair break in America. ‘If the British people can’t get behind the team after that,’ admitted one Westminster insider. ‘We probably have to admit that they’re basically just Arrows with a sense of entitlement.’

Following last year’s referendum result, it is believed that the British people will narrowly vote not to support McLaren and will shift their loyalties to other great British teams such as Cooper or Connaught.


Alonso to miss more races this season

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 13th, 2017

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Following yesterday’s news that Fernando Alonso will miss the Monaco Grand Prix to race in the Indy 500, McLaren have given details of the other races the Spanish driver will sit out, and the reasons why.

‘Fernando has suddenly realised he is quite busy with other engagements this year,’ admitted senior McLaren spokesman, Señor MacLaren-Spohksman. ‘In fact, the more he’s driven the MCL32, the more commitments elsewhere he seems to have remembered.’

The team today confirmed that, fresh from his Indy experience, Alonso will also miss the Canadian Grand Prix because he’ll be driving in a WRC event in Sardinia, the Azerbaijan race because he’ll be driving in a NASCAR race in California, and the Austrian GP because he’ll be driving up the M6 to Stoke-on-Trent to see his old mate Peter Wilson which has been in the diary for ages and, sorry, he really can’t get out of it.

Sources say Alonso will also miss the British Grand Prix because he has a friend’s wedding, the Hungarian Grand Prix because it’s Ruben Barichello’s 48 hour Dempsey & Makepeace marathon that weekend, and the Belgian Grand Prix because he really wants to watch the Belgian Grand Prix on telly. He will also sit out the Spanish Grand Prix because he has ‘a lot of friends coming in town’ that weekend.

In total, Alonso is expected to miss 18 races in the 2017 season, or 19 if you include the Chinese race which he has already wiped from his mind. A replacement for the absent Spanish driver has yet to be confirmed.

‘Oh no, my mobile phone and iPad and all other means of communication have fallen off my yacht and into the sea,’ said Jenson Button, yesterday. ‘Oh look, here comes a carrier pigeon…’ he added.