Archive for the ‘News’ Category

F1 to debut extra-wide car option

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, March 30th, 2017

How the extra-wide car compares, yesterday

There was bad news for F1 fans today as the sport’s bosses announced plans for teams to use their ‘extra-wide’ cars at the next race.

‘The extra-wide option car is an overlooked part of the new regulations for 2017,’ explained a Formula 1 insider. ‘It’s basically the same car, but much, much wider.’

‘The extra-wide option was created to really hammer home the three key goals of the new season,’ our source continued. ‘That is to say, maximum grip, minimum overtaking and making people say, “oooh, don’t the cars look bigger this year”.’

Sources say the introduction of the ‘extra wide’ cars has been hurried forward to next week’s Chinese Grand Prix in response to concerns that the Australian race accidentally allowed one or two overtaking moves.

‘I suppose it’s up to us to provide some kind of closing punchline for this story,’ sighed a spokesman for McLaren. ‘Fine. Oh wow, I hope they hurry up and bring in a rule about using your extra-slow car.’

Edd China reveals real reason for Wheeler Dealers departure

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2017

Wheeler Dealers, yesterday

Edd China is to leave the hit TV programme Wheeler Dealers after admitting that he can’t understand a single word Mike Brewer says.

‘For 14 years Edd hasn’t followed anything that’s come out of Mike’s mouth,’ said a source close to the 7’8” gloves wearer. ‘He’s basically spent the last 13 series’ just smiling and nodding, and then fitting some new wheels and hoping that’s okay.’

‘Edd tried his best to understand what Mike was on about, but he was never sure if it was some kind of East London patois or if he’d had a stroke,’ another friend of the 9’10” standing-underneath-cars fan revealed. ‘In most cases he’d just say “absolutely” and then de-cloud the headlights and hope that was alright.’

‘Edd is looking forward to moving on to new projects involving his three passions,’ revealed a producer who worked with the 11’4” too-many-consonants enthusiast. ‘Which is to say, cars, engineering, and being able to have conversations in which he’s not just saying “uh-huh, uh-huh” and hoping the other person goes away soon.’

China has publically wished his replacement, Ant Anstead, the best of luck whilst privately he has emailed him details of a Linguaphone course for Cock-er-nee along with a note reading, ‘This probably won’t work so just give a thumbs up and bury your head in the engine bay until he’s gone’.

Wheeler Dealers will continue on the Velocity Channel who bought the format for an unusually low price, re-built the cylinder heads, had it re-sprayed and sold it for a profit margin that didn’t really seem to account for all the work put into it.

George Osborne to supply F1 engines

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, March 17th, 2017

George Osborne, yesterday

There was shock in F1 today with news that George Osborne is to become McLaren’s engine supplier.

The weak-faced, have-you-been-swimming-haired MP is to supply hybrid V6 power units for the Woking-based team with immediate effect, despite having no experience whatsoever of designing and building extremely complicated competition engines for top-level motorsport.

‘George Osborne hasn’t the first clue how to make a high-revving internal combustion engine engine allied to a sophisticated energy recovery system,’ said one critic. ‘But, in fairness, he’ll still do a better job than Honda.’

‘That’s exactly the sort of predictable punchline you’d expect from someone with no relevant experience,’ said a source, speaking after the announcement that the new Sniff Petrol editor is George Osborne.

F1 team has unusual coloured car

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, March 15th, 2017

The new Force India, yesterday

Formula 1 fans have reacted strongly to yesterday’s surprise news that Force India will run a pink livery this season.

‘Errrgh, their car is pink,’ spluttered one F1 enthusiast. ‘I bet just looking at it for too long gives you a vagina.’

Other fans were equally quick to pour scorn on the new team colours, ‘Oh my God, it’s pink,’ wrote one. ‘Errrrgh. Pink is the colour of flowers and kittens and also the pillows girls have in their bedrooms, I imagine.’

Even other F1 teams were moved to question Force India’s new colour scheme. ‘Pffft. Our car is made of manly colours like black and blue and heterosexuallow, and it was inspired by a Black & Decker Workmate. Grrrrr!’ said one well-known team insider. ‘You wouldn’t catch us running a pink car unless it came with millions in sponsorship money, in which case we would.’

Even former Force India driver Nico Hulkenberg joined in the mocking of the new pink colour scheme. ‘Now you understand why I left Force India,’ he wrote on Twitter along with a picture of the car. ‘It’s because I wanted to drive for a much worse team,’ he presumably would have added if there was room.

McLaren Cars to let F1 team sleep on its sofa for a bit

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, March 14th, 2017

The McLaren factory, yesterday

The road car division of McLaren has offered to let its sister Formula 1 team sleep on its sofa for a bit, at least until it gets its ‘life back together’.

‘Things are going really well for McLaren Automotive at the moment,’ said a close friend. ‘But Racing is having a terrible time and Automotive feels guilty about that, which is why it’s said Racing can sleep on its sofa, at least until it’s sorted out this awful relationship it seems to be stuck in.’

Those close to McLaren Automotive say the successful road car maker has told Racing it is free to stay for as long as it wants and is welcome to use any of its stuff. ‘Automotive even said Racing could borrow one or two of its engines,’ revealed an insider. ‘But of course they won’t because they keep pretending everything is fine and making excuses like, “Oooh, we’d love to but it’s against the regulations” or “We would, but we don’t want to upset you-know-who”. It’s very sad.’

McLaren Racing’s current troubles have not gone unnoticed by Ron Dennis, ousted as head of the F1 team but still in charge at the road car division. ‘I am generating a quantity of the spontaneous human emission known as laughter,’ he noted recently. ‘Ha ha ha etcetera.’

2017 Geneva Motoring Show round-up

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, March 8th, 2017

The Geneva Show is the highlight of the car calendar for all motoring journalists who want to brush up on their skiing and their ability to put a 12 quid beer onto a room bill someone else is picking up. Here is a quick report from there.

Pictures by YouTube star Lysander Higuys

One of the surprises of the show came from Bentley who showed off the EXP12 Speed 6e electric car concept. ‘Adding electric motors and several batteries allows us to deliver exactly what customers expect from our cars,’ said a spokesman. ‘By which I mean, heaviness.’

McLaren took the covers off its 650 replacement, the 720S. Ron Dennis will use this car to remind people he still works at the road car division by making it ‘extra tidy’ and insisting the brochure says it ‘delivers a quantity (more…)

PSA gets good deal on Vauxhall

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, March 6th, 2017

An Vauxhall garage, yesterday

PSA is to buy Vauxhall after securing an attractive 0 percent finance offer which the salesman said was only available this week.

Insiders say PSA will be unable to spec Vauxhall to its own requirements, as it is being taken from stock and has already been registered. However, bosses at the French manufacturer were able to haggle so that Vauxhall will come with some carpet mats and a bunch of flowers for their wives.

Sources in Paris say that PSA has been going around telling friends that it got ‘a really good deal’ on Vauxhall and has ignored criticism from someone on an internet who ‘knows about cars’ and who has asked why the French giant ‘didn’t get Audi’.

‘We don’t care about depreciation,’ PSA is reported to have said after signing the paperwork for its Vauxhall earlier today. ‘As long as we like it, that’s the main thing’.

Men drive Formula 1 cars around track

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, February 28th, 2017

Some F1, yesterday

Reports from Barcelona yesterday suggest that a man has driven a Formula 1 car around for a bit, while another man also drove a Formula 1 car around, at a slightly lower speed but for a greater distance.

Another man was hoping to drive a Formula 1 car around for some time, but that time was less than he had hoped due to some kind of problem with the engine. ‘I was hoping to drive around for quite a while,’ he is quoted as saying. ‘However, I was not able to but I am okay about this.’

Meanwhile, one man drove a Formula 1 car around and was able to make it appear to be faster than would have been expected whilst another drove a Formula 1 car around at a speed that appeared to be slower than would have been expected.

Sources say different men will drive the same Formula 1 cars around today, giving an even greater sense of very little at all.

Loud telephone ringing sound is coming from that car

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, February 24th, 2017

Reports from the local area today suggest that the surprisingly loud sound of a telephone ringing is coming from that car.

‘There’s a surprisingly loud telephone ringing sound,’ noted local resident Besty Knees. ‘And it’s coming from that car’.

‘It’s very strange,’ added another local, Gresman Ptave. ‘You couldn’t hear the stereo from outside the car, but as soon as the driver dialled someone on the hands free system, you could hear a surprisingly loud telephone ringing coming from the car.’

Sources in the local area say that the telephone ringing sound coming from that car abruptly stopped and you couldn’t hear the actual people speaking on the phone, even though just seconds earlier you could hear the surprisingly loud telephone ringing sound.

Ferrari announces new naming policy

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, February 21st, 2017

An Ferrari 812 Superfast, yesterday

Just days after announcing its new 789 horsepower 812 Superfast, Ferrari has revealed plans to rebadge all of its cars with a random number and then a statement of the bleeding obvious.

First to be renamed is the GTC4 Lusso which becomes the 536 Depreciatione, followed by the California which is re-labelled the 273 MiamiDentiste.

The 488 GTB will become the 679 AgeingDivorcee whilst its convertible sister will become the 684 Doing67InTheInsideLane.

The new naming policy will even extend to Ferrari’s forthcoming 2017 F1 car which is tipped to be called the 982 DisappointingThirdWahWahWahWhyWon’tEVeryoneElseLetUsWin?