Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Is it too late for Lewis Hamilton?

Posted in Motorsport by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 28th, 2016

hamquestionAs we approach the fourth race of the 2016 Formula 1 season, all eyes are on the front-running Mercedes duo. Nico Rosberg has taken victory in the first three races of the season and, statistically speaking, that makes him assured of the title, as does his obvious ease with the car and his burning desire to make up for past seasons when championship victory eluded him. But what does this mean for Lewis Hamilton? He has the same car, he has the same team, he has the same opportunities yet bad luck has haunted him and now the odds seemed stacked in favour of his team mate. Can the British driver, a triple F1 world champion, claw it back and seal his fourth title or is it now in Rosberg’s hands for the taking? Sniff Petrol has spoken to F1 pundits, to analysts, to engineers, to statisticians and to you, the fans, and from this we have built up the most comprehensive picture possible to answer once and for all, with absolute certainty, the question that consumes motorsport at the moment: Can Lewis Hamilton still win the 2016 F1 world championship?

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One-model forum keeps making casual reference to terrible design flaw

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 27th, 2016

An forum, yesterday

An forum, yesterday

There was confusion on the internet today as a one-model forum kept making casual reference to a severe design flaw without once clarifying what it was.

‘I was thinking of buying one of these cars so I thought I’d take a quick look at the dedicated forum,’ explained possible buyer Pozzy Bull-Byer. ‘Everyone there keeps casually mentioning things like ‘the usual JTRS unit failure’ without ever explaining what it is. I don’t want to ask because the senior members seem like dicks towards newcomers and the search facility just threw up 700 pages of results, none of which explained things.’

Sources say that some forum regulars made more oblique reference to the problem which gave even less of a clue as to what it might be. ‘One chap said their ERMPS light came on,’ Mr Bull-Byer noted. ‘And then he said, “of course we all know what that means” but I don’t. I don’t know what it means at all, nor do I understand “the orange light of doom” or “the famous buzz of death” and every Google search I do just points back to people on the same forum mentioning these things without further explanation like they’re all in on a joke I don’t understand.’

Mr Bull-Byer said he remains conflicted about whether to go ahead with buying this model, now that he has read the forum. ‘Whatever this fault is, it sounds inevitable and extremely serious and that’s put me right off,’ he admitted. ‘On the other hand, when I asked on the one-model forum if the car was any good, 46 people waded in and told me it was literally the best car in the world.’

New holy day announced

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, April 25th, 2016

An Focus RS, yesterday

An Focus RS, yesterday

The Home Secretary has confirmed that the saviour of mankind will be celebrated with a new holy day, to be called Focus RSmas.

Sources say the government was prompted to introduce the new day after reading road tests of the new Ford Focus RS in which it was praised for its performance, handling and ability to feed the starving.

‘The Focus RS was sent to save us all with its power and majesty,’ said a devout follower wearing the traditional vestments of an RS-branded fleece and cap. ‘It is only right to have a day in which we celebrate its benevolent ability to heal the sick, cure the lame and see off the Golf R in a group test.’

Focus RSmas will be celebrated exclusively by motoring journalists who will mark the day by exchanging gifts such as branded USB sticks containing the press pack for the Ford Focus RS and photographs of themselves drifting a Ford Focus RS while sporting a barely concealed erection.

7 things Nico Rosberg struggles to get out of

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, April 22nd, 2016

Nico Rosberg repeatedly struggles to get out of an F1 car, despite being an actual F1 driver. But did you know, his Mercedes isn’t the only thing he makes a mess of exiting. Here are some other things Rosberg struggles to get out of;

rosbergbigface2. Unsolicited PPI calls

b. Lakes

x. Headlocks

7. Nando’s

vii. Most kinds of trouser

99. Stilted conversations with the security man who works on reception at night

y+q. Parking spaces where he thinks there might be a bollard behind his car but he’s not sure

z. The mailing list for Gwyneth Paltrow’s website, Goop, which he doesn’t remember signing up for in the first place

0. That Christening for the kid of someone he barely speaks to any more and which clashes with the Malaysian Grand Prix but which he accidentally said yes to about four months ago without first checking his diary

1. Google alerts for ‘Lewis Hamilton sunglasses’

Mitsubishi admits falsifying how shit its cars are

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 21st, 2016

An Mitsubishi, yesterday

An Mitsubishi, yesterday

Mitsubishi has apologised to customers after admitting it lied for several years about how shitty its cars are.

At a press conference in Tokyo, bosses confessed that the company had claimed its cars were ‘good or quite good’ when in fact they were ‘really shitty’.

The situation came to light only after engineers at Nissan tested cars made for them by Mitsubishi and noticed unusually high levels of shittiness in their data. ‘During routine testing of production cars we noticed something unusual,’ confirmed a Nissan spokesman. ‘The cars from Mitsubishi that were supposed to be good were, in fact, shit.’

The discovery triggered a wider independent investigation into the entire Mitsubishi range which threw up abnormally high levels of shitness, shittiness and shitosity.

‘The scale of this deceit should not be underestimated,’ said Far East car expert Forrest Carecks-Pert. ‘It seems possible that, if this shittitude data is correct, Mitsubishi hasn’t made an un-shit car for over 10 years.’

‘It’s extremely economical and I don’t care that it’s shit because it’s extremely economical and also economical,’ squawked an Outlander PHEV owner, reversing into a bollard outside a supermarket, yesterday.

Well-spoken twat doesn’t make YouTube video about car

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, April 19th, 2016

YouTube, yesterday

YouTube, yesterday

There was confusion on the internet today as a well-spoken twenty-something twat with a supercar didn’t make an abysmal YouTube video about it.

Sources say Jamie Braying-Titt of Squawking in Delight has owned his Lamborghini Huracan for over a month now and, despite completely ruining it with a ghastly wrap and bespoke alcantara seat belts, has shown no inclination to record a lengthy and completely uninteresting YouTube film showing him driving it like a bellend and talking about himself in an accent that makes him sound like he’s trying to swallow a squash ball, as if anyone gives a flying cock about what he says or thinks.

‘He’s really has let everyone down with this,’ admitted his father Fnnnurrr. ‘I blame myself really. I tried to give him as much money as possible in the hope that he’d squander it on several GoPros and an iMac to edit video upon but perhaps you just can’t buy an inexplicable desire to clog up YouTube with 37 minute soliloquys about why you chose this car and what’s wrong with the placement of Lamborghini electric mirror adjustment controls.’

The failure of an entitled arse to make insufferably self-indulgent videos about his extremely expensive car has destabilised the online world to such a degree that experts warn that the internet may have to compensate by generating more videos of privately educated 21 year old girls unboxing lipstick and describing the last skinny mocha frappu they bought, as if any of this is important.

 

D.I. Blundell done report from the 2016 Chinese GP

Posted in D.I. Blundell, Motorsport, News by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, April 18th, 2016

DIBlundellnew‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 18 April I done proceed in an easterly direction to the Chinese Grand Prix of China in the Chinesey region of China.

Here I done observe an incident between a red Ferrari vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Sebastian Vettel from the Germany region of Germany, and a blue not-Renault powered vehicle what done be driven by another IC1 male, namely one Daniil Kvyat from the Russia region of Russia.

I done notice that Mr Kvyat done be travelling at a reasonable speed for what done be, in fairness, a race. He done then attempt to done do insert his vehicle into a gap what done appear to be wide enough for what is, to be fair, his car.

Mr Vettel done then done be thinking that there done be about to be a collision and done do take what done be an action what done be, in fairness, evasive. This done cause him to collide with another red Ferrari vehicle driven by an IC1 male what done be a Mr Kimi Raikkonen from the bar region of the hotel. This done cause what done be, to be honest, damage.

I done note that Mr Vettel done later confront Mr Kvyat about this incident and he done do express that he don’t done be happy about what done have done, in fairness happened, in a manner what I done observe to be a bit, in fairness, moany.

I done conclude that this done be a lesson to all motorists to done consider what done be their options with a grievance of this nature. These done be as follows: 1) Pursue grievances of any nature through what done be the proper channels. B) Man up and stop done be whining on like what done be a big baby. Over and out.

 

 

How many of these classic British cars have you driven?

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 14th, 2016

Call yourself a fan of classic British cars? How many of these lesser-known Brit-classics have YOU driven?

    • obscurebritcarsTenby Splendid (1956)

Famed for its inability to pass a church without something terrible happening.

    • Rochester Pomade (1961)

The days when the seats gave you a disease are mostly long gone!

    • Clitheroe Pip (1967)

Arguably Lancashire’s first recorded use of an engine.

    • Welmsley-Cockhole 95B (1954)

Advertised with the slogan, “Slip into a Cockhole today! (No foreigns)”

    • Spigley Glist (1968)

Made famous by racing driver Buffy “Loophole” Belgrave and all those dead prostitutes.

    • TWT Motor Company Rapacity 5 (1971)

Princess Margaret didn’t have one, despite all the rumours and those blurred photographs.

    • Bagley-Massingham Nosehorn (1959)

Said some dreadful things about your sister but that’s all in the past now.

    • Ipswich 9-litre (1965)

The name was a misnomer and ultimately led to the terrible, terrible horse problem.

    • Eastfield 95 Special Super (1956)

They never did find the money, or his fingers.

    • Probisher Zeb  (1970)

Of the eight made, only nine still exist.

Alonso has a note from his mum

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 13th, 2016

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Fernando Alonso will not drive in this weekend’s Chinese Grand Prix after McLaren sources admitted he has ‘a note from his mum’.

‘We received an envelope yesterday from Mrs Alonso,’ revealed a team insider. ‘It said her Fernando still had a hurty chest and was to be excused from games.’

‘Fernando is delighted with the result from his mum after he spent all that time doing a pathetic little cough every time she walked into the room,’ claimed an anonymous source close to the Spanish driver. ‘It is only right he is let off from the Chinese Grand Prix and he definitely isn’t doing it just to get out of driving that shitty car and he definitely hasn’t already planned a barbecue at home this weekend.’

‘Oh no, I seem to be holding a brick,’ said Jenson Button today. ‘Wouldn’t it be a shame if I totally accidentally dropped it on my foot and shit.’

I shoot from the hip and piss from my dick

Posted in News by Colby Dousche on Friday, April 8th, 2016

US car writer COLBY DOUSCHE returns with more self-aggrandising drivel

ColbyDouscheSo last week my editor calls me and he’s like, ‘Hey Dousche, what are you doing tomorrow? Sitting around itching your dick and eating Cheetos, same as today?’ Way wrong man.

Full disclosure: They were Doritos

So, turns out the guy needs someone with grande cojones to collect and deliver a serious piece of hardware for a comparo test and, naturally, who did he think of? Nine other dudes but they were all busy, and that’s when he saw sense and decided to send up the flare on yours truly by pushing the digits for 1-800-melonballs.

Full disclosure: It was only the left one, and that’s all take care of now.

So you’re more sentient than the average schmo – of course you are ‘cos you’re reading something I wrote – and I guess you’re wondering what weapons grade canyon carver they were begging CD to saddle up. Okay, plug in your sound holes ‘cuz shit is about to get real; the office jockey squeaking down my cell wants to hook me up with a Mustang GT350. Well let me tell you, he made the right call. Coulda got some pubeless prick from the typing department to shuttle the ‘Stang but he knows he needs a real man ‘cuz I got the skills that pays tha bills.

Full disclosure: Some of my bills are taken care of by my parents. Specifically, legal and dermatological.

So anyway, the poindexter at his PC says I gotta collect it from some depot, take it 100 miles up country, deliver it to the guys from the office at the photo shoot location and then I should leave because Amber is going to be there and apparently I ‘creep her out’. Truth is, she wants a piece of Dousche but she tries to fight it by, for example, calling the cops when she saw me outside her house that time. Then he says I can write a sidebar about the car ‘if I must’ which is his code for, ‘burnish me with your typed gold, master’. I say, sure. But I ain’t taking no lame-ass auto maker payola man ‘cos that ain’t my style so don’t even ask. If the ‘Stang’s a sack of puke with a side of shit, The Dousche is gonna say so ‘cos I shoot from the hip and piss from my dick.

Full disclosure: Yea, the tube has been removed now.

So he’s all like, whatever dude. Just get the car there in one piece with none of your usual tricks blah blah traffic cops blah blah extensive chassis damage blah blah turned out to be a hooker yada yada they had to replace two of the seats. I’m like, Jeez man, cool out, how many times have I been a total dick on your dollar, huh?

Full disclosure: Aggregate based on asking other people from the office: Seven

So the next day I cruise my sweet ass Sentra – aka The Thing – down to this pony-ass Ford place at Santiago and Cressida. It’s the kinda place where they stuff the fois gras geese and process the free iPads for all the dick-licking buff book corpses who wouldn’t know how to drive a man’s car if their golf handicap depended on it. I guess the branded-pants robots who run the place must’ve been pretty shocked to see the real deal rock up dressed for duty ‘cuz they were whistling and laughing and saying ‘nice pajamas’ and shit.

Full disclosure – It’s a Nomex pant suit.

So I’m onto the keys like my cousin on a crack pipe then I’m shouting adios a-holes and cranking that motor like it’s my sister in those dreams I keep having. Before I can get this ride rollin’ of course I gotta sayonara the stability control ‘cuz if the first thing you do when you get into a sweet ride ISN’T nuke the nanny then you don’t deserve your balls or, in my case, the one they didn’t have to remove. So I blitz the buzzkill, dip the left pedal, slam her into first, set vectors for hammertime and then I thought a kid was going to run out in front of me and the camber of the road was very poor and I was unfamiliar with the way they had redesigned the controls which was, in my view, dangerous and, long story short, that is pretty much how the accident occurred.

Full disclosure – Sorry David.

Colby Dousche is Awesomeness Editor at CarSnark.com