Scientists at the CERN laboratory in Switzerland came a step closer this week to unlocking one of the greatest mysteries of our universe – why Felipe Massa still has a drive with Ferrari.
At 9am GMT on Monday morning, a single particle of Felipe Massa was encased in a thin glass tube and forced to accelerate using the accepted Smedley-Message system. Placed under this sort of pressure, the notoriously fragile Massa particle came apart, allowing scientists to examine it in more detail.
‘Our findings were illuminating,’ said CERN spokesman Professor Jugend Herberge. ‘It seems the Massa has degraded in a manner that changes its form. To put it simply, it’s the equation T equals T over T in which T equals time, T equals talent and T equals terribleness. Ja, now you mention it, that is quite confusing.’
What really interests the CERN researchers, however, is the way in which the Massa particle has so quickly transformed from very accelerative and vital to so sluggish and disinterested. The suspicion, to be tested in another round of experiments, is that the Massa particle is consistent with a theory known as Hill-Coulthard.
For an accessible, regionally accented take on proceedings, Sniff Petrol spoke to Professor Brian Cox in his laboratory; ‘What the fook are you on about mate?’ he said. ‘Fookin’ weirdo. I’m tryin’ to have a slash here, you fookin’ pervo. Fookin’ ‘ell.’ It later turned out Sniff Petrol was accidentally talking to a normal Mancunian man in a pub lavatory.