RED BULL
Full name: Infiniti Red Bull oh shit oh shit it’s not working Racing
Car: RB10 Come On Work, Damn You
Engine: Renault Vibrotech
Drivers: Sebastian Vettel, Daniel Ricciardo
Red Bull have engaged in either the most disastrous pre-season testing in years or the biggest bluff in history. Probably the first one, as reports say overworked Adrian Newey has had a third USB port installed in his head. The car is sure to be sorted by the end of the season giving Sebastian Vettel a chance to capitalise on the double point rule that was designed to stop him. Meanwhile, Mark Webber has been replaced by another Australian, hired because the factory had just bought a massive jar of Vegemite and thought it was a waste to throw it out. And also because he’ll do what he’s fucking told.
MERCEDES
Full name: Mercedes AMG Petronas AMG F1 Petronas Racing AMG Team
Car: W05 Sod Off Ross
Engine: Mercedes
Drivers: Lewis Hamilton, Nico Rosberg
Energised by the thrill of sacking Ross Brawn, Toto Wolff and Niki Lauda seem to have got the team in good shape for the start of the season. The car is one of the few without a sex aid on the front and instead uses a nose design known as ‘the smashed aardvark’. It was conspicuously quick in testing and proved so reliable that after the second day in Spain Nico Rosberg actually used it to drive back to Monaco for the evening. Lewis Hamilton should also be in good shape for 2014, especially at tracks that demand a lot of Twittering and trying out different hairstyles.
FERRARI
Full name: Scuderia Ferrari
Car: F4RT
Engine: Ferrari (the good ones)
Drivers: Fernando Alonso, Kimi Raikkonen
After repeatedly coming second or third in the constructors’ championship over the past few years, Ferrari have decided to stop making a sodding fuss waving their arms around claiming everyone else is in the wrong and this season have a new tactic of making a good car. It might have worked. Also boosting their chances this season, the team has finally managed to shift the stubborn stain on the second seat that was Felipe Massa and replaced it with perma-mumbling booze enthusiast Kimi Raikkonen. Duplicitous monobrow partitioner Fernando Alonso remains with the team but Raikkonen should give him a run for his money, if he can be arsed.
LOTUS
Full name: #Lotus #F1 #Team #hahahawe’rebonkers!
Car: E22 Double Penetrator
Engine: Renault Faultmatique
Drivers: Romain Grosjean, Pastor Maldonado
The grid’s least likeable team returns for what promises to be another irritating season of tedious social media twattishness and endless mumbling about a wealthy backer that is just seconds away from signing a contract only for sod all to happen. Lotus were a woeful waste of time in testing and might as well have attempted to negotiate around Jerez and Sakhir in an actual dog turd. This should come as no surprise given the team’s apparent desire to ruin their own 2014 chances by using Romain Grosjean, Pastor Maldonado and some Renault engines, all of which promise not to work properly. #erratic
McLAREN
Full name: McLaren Mercedes Your Name Could Be Here
Car: MP4-29 Big Ron’s Dong
Engine: Mercedes
Drivers: Jenson Button, Kevin Magnussen
Ron Dennis is back in control at the McLaren F1 team and that promises an increase in pace, success and tidiness. The car looked promising in testing, which loosely translates as ‘not as shit as last year’, and the driver line-up is strong. Button still hasn’t managed to do a big cough so his voice will sound like that all season again whilst Magnussen is son of famous Mastermind quizmaster Magnus and will surely repeat his father’s famous catchphrase, ‘I’ve started so I’ll… retire on lap 24 with ERS failure’.
FORCE INDIA
Full name: Sahara Force India F1 Team
Car: VJM07 Black Hammer
Engine: Mercedes
Drivers: Nico Hulkenberg, Sergio Perez
The brightly coloured mid-rankers return for 2014 looking strong with a promising car and the reassurance of Mercedes power. However, unlike other Mercedes teams, Force India have a unique ERS unit powered by Vijay Mallya’s considerable flatulence. Insiders say the car can system give boosts of up to 1000bhp, ‘depending on what he’s been eating’. Nico Hulkenberg could win the driver’s title, if they start giving points for the driver most likely to make people say, ‘Hey, I tell you who’s underrated in F1…’ Saved McLaren reject Sergio Perez is the rescue puppy of F1.
SAUBER
Full name: Sauber F1 Team
Car: C33
Engine: Ferrari (the ones that rattle a little bit)
Drivers: Adrian Sutil, Esteban Gutierrez
The thinking man’s mid-field team is once again set to put in an admirable but not too admirable performance this season. Ferrari engines give the team solid power, but not as solid as that enjoyed by actual Ferrari, while the driver line-up is perfectly decent. Esteban Gutierrez continues to look like a sporty lesbian whilst Adrian Sutil will be seeking to smash lap records, attack new circuits and slash qualifying times so best keep the champagne glasses locked away.
TORO ROSSO
Full name: Scuderia Toro Rosso Spare Red Bull F1
Car: STR9 Grande Dildoni
Engine: Renault Merdematique
Drivers: Jean-Eric Vergne, Daniil Kvyat
Based on testing performance, Toro Rosso are the best Renault team, an achievement similar to being described as the best looking Miliband. Toro Rosso could struggle to find pace, grip and a point to their existence. Driver-wise, Jean-Eric Vergne starts his third season with the team which means a third season of casually popping into the Red Bull pit and trying not to sound desperate as he asks if they’ve got any driving they need doing. Meanwhile, Daniil Kvyat should be the fastest of all the drivers whose names look like anagrams but turn out not to be.
WILLIAMS
Full name: Williams Martini Yea We’re Back Racing
Car: FW36
Engine: Mercedes
Drivers: Felipe Massa, Valtteri Bottas
After many years being the world championship team who couldn’t remember how to win a world championship, Williams look to be finding their form again. The car seems quick, the Mercedes engine is strong, the Martini sponsorship looks cool and during testing even Felipe Massa managed not to get all panicky and forget how to drive. Valtteri Bottas is both quick and a Finnish slang phrase for a very, very specific sex act.
MARUSSIA
Full name: Marussia F1 Team
Car: MR03
Engine: Ferrari (the ones that really don’t run right)
Drivers: Jules Bianchi, Max Chilton
Marussia are generally completely hopeless but they’re also owned by a powerful but shadowy Russian businessman so, wow! What a great team! Amongst their many excellent features are their superb logo, which in no way looks the insignia for a terrible hair metal band, and their consistent form which has rightly earned them praise from people who think it’s the taking part that counts. Jules Bianchi consistently achieves his aim to go completely unmentioned during any race weekend while Max Chilton is both smooth and quick when it comes to bank transfers.
CATERHAM
Full name: Caterham F1 team
Car: CT05 Leafield Tickler
Engine: Renault Malheureusementech
Drivers: Kamui Kobayashi, Marcus Ericsson
The team formerly known as ‘Nice Lotus’ achieved its aim last season, as long as you assume their aim was ‘to be even more shit than Marussia’. This season they have maximised their chances of repeating that trick by buying Renault engines. Caterham has a good driver line up in Marcus Sony-Ericsson, who has a reasonable reception at some tracks and quite a poor reception at others, and Kamui Kobayashi, who will get the most out of the car, although possibly whilst going in the wrong direction.
