Archive for the ‘Sniff Petrol is 10’ Category

OH NO, IT’S VILLENEUVE

When a man is tired of smashing Jacques fucking Villeneuve in the face, he is tired of life

There was dismay in F1 this month with news that Jacques fucking Villeneuve has replaced Jarno Trulli at Renault and will have a drive at Sauber for the 2005 season. After losing his seat at BAR last year many motor sport fans had hoped that the stupid-voiced undeserving former World Champion would turn his back on Formula 1 forever. “You cannot deny that Jacques fucking Villeneuve is capable of putting on a good show,” noted Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. “And yet it’s equally hard to deny that he’s a complete bell-end who gets on everyone’s nerves”. Sources say that, although everyone in F1 agrees that Jacques fucking Villeneuve is so annoying that you just want to attack him with a hammer, there is some debate about which is the most annoying part of this festival of quite unbelievable annoyance. “I think it’s his ratty little face,” said one high ranking member of a leading F1 team. “Especially when he grows that bloody stupid tufty little beard”. However, not everyone in the paddock is quite so sure. “I’d have to vote for his ridiculous accent as the most annoying part of Jacques fucking Villeneuve,” added another senior engineer from a rival team. “Although there’s always those sodding ridiculous baggy overalls, they’re quite annoying too. Oh wait, what about his questionable talent and reliance on his legendary surname? That’s annoying too. And I haven’t even considered his stupid swaggering arrogance, the cocky little shit. God, there’s so much to choose from…”

Whilst the F1 community struggles to decide which is Jacques fucking Villeneuve’s most annoying quality, seasoned observers have already highlighted a more serious concern. “I think we have a very real and dangerous situation on our hands,” warned one experienced motorsport journalist. “On his own Jacques fucking Villeneuve is more annoying than it’s humanly possible to quantify. But we should not forget the exceptionally high risk of accidentally creating an unprecedented ‘super annoyance’ which will slay TV audiences and destroy the entire sport forever. To prevent this there is only one solution: Jacques fucking Villeneuve must be kept at least 100 yards away from James twatting Allen”.

GET SET FOR NEW MINI RETRO FEST

How the new Mini Clubman might look, yesterday

Hot on the kitten heels of the new Mini Cabriolet, BMW is poised to capitalise on the success of its cloyingly retro small car by launching a 21st century version of the never-popular Mini Clubman. Spies say engineers are already hard at work on re-designing the existing car’s body to provide the flat, boxy front end for which the Clubman was rightly unloved. “Our new version will share many of the best features of the original,” claimed a man inside BMW. “For example, improved space around the rather too tightly packaged engine, worse aerodynamics and… Hnnngg”.

However, sources within the Mini team say the unconvincing Clubman could be a mere entrée for another, more dramatic evolution – a modern Mini Metro. “Everyone knows the Mini eventually spawned the Metro so that’s what we’ll be doing,” said a man we spoke to. “Even though it’s pointless and silly.”

Engineering moles deep within some soil under the Mini development centre say that, such is BMW’s desire to accurately mimic the creation of the original Metro, it has organised a rota to decide which members of the project team are on strike at any one time and slashed the budget to a quarter of what it would normally be for a model such as this with a view to eventually asking for some more cash from Margaret Thatcher. Rumours are already rife that, just as the new Mini focussed on the sporty Cooper variants, so the new derivative will initially arrive only in racy MG Metro trim. However, some insiders say this plan may yet be de-railed: “We’ve hit a snag,” said one senior manager. “You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to find red seatbelts these days”.

In the more immediate future, sources at BMW’s Cowley factory say that designers are preparing a unique special edition aimed at the car’s core market – vacuous blond girls who work in PR. “The Mini has been a huge success amongst the kind of bright eyed thicko women whose flirtatious phone manner belies their utter inability to do anything remotely constructive except drink endless cups of low fat aspirational coffee, go for long lunches and wear stupid pointy shoes,” said one Mini marketing source. “We’ve carefully designed this model so cater for their needs, which is why it will come with a pair of those stupid, slightly wrap around pink tinted sunglasses, some sort of flimsy cloth handbag that cost £250 and a big pile of Pret a Manger vouchers”. The special edition Mini Cooper Emma will be launched as soon as one of these women returns your phone call as promised. So basically never.

PROST CAUGHT IN TEMPORAL TWAT-UP

Prost gives it large to Acid House music, which he believes to be a relatively new phenomenon

News that Alain Prost has been sighted at Ferrari’s Fiorano test track has confirmed what many motorsport experts have feared for some time – the former world champion is stuck in a time warp.

“The Italians are claiming Prost was there to test the Maserati MC12 GT,” said Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. “But it seems pretty clear to me they’re covering up. Prost wasn’t invited there at all. For him this was just another day at work. Unfortunately, he still thinks his ‘work’ is as a driver for the Ferrari F1 team.”

An anonymous Ferrari source was quick to confirm these remarkable allegations. “Alain has been turning up here on a regular basis,” he confirmed. “He often jumps out of his Fiat Tipo enthusing about the Stone Roses or talking about how difficult it must be to merge East and West Germany. It seems pretty clear, he’s become trapped in 1990. I mean, God, just look at his hairstyle.”

In fact, experts say it may be that very hairstyle that is causing the ex-champ’s unusual confusion: “Alain Prost has exceptionally curly hair,” noted Pne Flemby, Head of Mentalist Studies at St. Elmosfire College, Stoke. “It may have put excess pressure on his brain, causing him to lose that last 14 years. Or something.”

Whatever the explanation, our Italian mole says the situation in Modena is only getting worse. “No one has the guts to tell him what year it is,” he confessed. “It’s difficult enough hiding all the extra trophies, never mind pretending there are only two Lethal Weapon films.”

HANG ON, I’M LEFT HANDED EXCLAIMS CONFUSED CHRIS BANGLE

Another sort of Bangle

BMW’s styling department has been plunged into turmoil this week after boss Chris Bangle realised that he has spent the last ten years designing cars with the wrong hand. ‘This is quite a surprise,’ said one insider (in German). ‘Ever since he started working here Chris used his right hand to sketch design themes, operate CAD/CAM units and so forth. It was only during a game of rounders with some of the large car exterior design team from Audi that Chris went to catch the ball and suddenly realised the strange truth; he’s actually left handed.’

Bangle’s sudden discovery explains much of the wonky lines and unusual angles seen on recent BMWs, but in a modern car company no one man styles every car. So how does the bespectacled designer’s dexterity error explain the look of, say, the new 6-series? ‘It’s quite simple,’ explained our Munich mole (in German, still). ‘Young designers began to copy Chris’s inadvertently wonky style and, with the incomprehensible writing that resulted from his wrong-hand usage, his disapproving notes about their work were misunderstood. So, in the case of the 6-series, Chris scribbled “This is a Pontiac coupe!” on the concept sketches but the designer mis-read it as “This is a perfect coupe!” and carried on until it was too late.’

Bangle’s sudden realisation isn’t the first thing that has only been discovered after years of error in a car industry design department. Last year staff at Subaru were shocked to discover that the computer they used to design the wheels for high performance models could do other colours apart from gold. ‘That was a relief,’ said one insider at the time (not in German). ‘They looked shit.’

NEW ROLLS ‘MORE BRITISH THAN THE CAR ITSELF’

The new Rolls-Royce, pictured being bally super, yesterday

The brand new BMW-designed Rolls-Royce isn’t just about a clean sheet engineering programme and a purpose built factory in Sussex, we can exclusively reveal today. As part of a comprehensive plan to make the reborn Roller a unique automotive landmark, all BMW staff involved in the project have taken part in an extensive training scheme to make them as traditionally British as possible. ‘That’s right old boy,’ agreed spokesman Hans ‘Bunty’ Weismann-Smythe. ‘Self conscious use of the words ‘motor car’ in press releases is just the start, dontcha know. Now those blasted Jerries at Volkswagen have been shown what’s what we’re free to get this bally crate off the ground and we’ll be doing it in a way that’s as dashed British as Her Majesty the Queen or eggs, bacon and knockwurst. Erm, sausages. I meant sausages…’

Under the radical new reinvention programme all Project Rolls-Royce staff have been forced to watch up to 40 hours of ‘talkies’ from the Ealing Studios using the very latest in cinematic projection devices. BMW bosses have also offered financial incentives to any employee who grows a large moustache and adopts an appropriate nickname which can be used during company time. ‘Yes, that’s been jolly successful,’ Weismann-Smythe crowed. ‘I was just saying to Ginger and Corky, this bally moustache caper has been quite a wheeze. I haven’t had so much fun since that time at school when we stole matron’s bloomers and hoisted them up the flagpole. Lawks! Blimey! What ho! Etcetera.’

In line with this innovative stab at Britishness the new Rolls-Royce base in Goodwood has been fitted with extensive oak panelling, roaring log fires and stirring portraits of Churchill, Gladstone and Higgins out of Magnum P.I.

‘It’s all so bally British,’ Weismann-Smythe continued. ‘You know it makes one want to sing Land of Hope and Glory… which of course we do every day, just before Pater says Grace at suppertime.’

Sniff Petrol tried to point out that Weismann-Smythe was actually born in Haimhausen near Munich but he had inexplicably gone off to get a large, four engined propeller plane with which to bomb himself.

DR FERDINAND PIECH RETIRES

On 16 April Dr Ferdinand Piech celebrated his 65th birthday and his official retirement from head of the Volkswagen Group. We take a look back at some of the highlights of his career

- Contrary to popular belief Dr Piech was not born into the Porsche family. He won his family history in a Lower Saxony cow punching contest organised by the sports car maker to distract critics from their embarrassing involvement with the Nazi party.

- Piech cites the Porsche 917 race car as one of his finest achievements, except for one detail: ‘The glovebox action was inadequately damped’ quipped the former engineer.

- Since 1964 Dr Piech has claimed that he can ‘smell’ colours

- Piech had a unique way of dealing with troublesome managers. ‘I simply arranged to have them killed,’ quipped the slapheaded autocrat.

- In 1977 Piech became European Face Wrestling champion after beating Alan Hansen in the final.

- Unlike soup loving fellow engineering loon Dr Wolfgang Reitzle, Piech is not a big fan of ox tail soup: ‘I don’t like the bits in it’ quipped the former Audi boss.

- In his last years at VAG Dr Piech had every single internal door in the Volkswagen head office redesigned at a cost of over 40 million Deutchmarks to ensure class leading shutlines. The completely pointless move was prompted by a rumour that BMW’s Munich HQ boasted class leading 3mm internal door tolerances.

- Dr Piech’s legs are made of aluminium. ‘It makes me 17% more efficient climbing stairs,’ quipped the now-retired mentalist.

- On his last day at VAG Dr Piech was presented with a specially constructed vehicle, built by VW engineers using a Golf chassis and the latest 150bhp diesel engine. The vehicle was built to Piech’s own plans and is codenamed the ‘Death Machine TDI PD 150 SE’. Before leaving Wolfsburg for the last time Piech screamed ‘I WILL RETURN! MWAAA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA!’.

BMW LAUNCHES MONKEYTRONIC

BMW is to launch a revolutionary new option for the 7-series which it claims will take on-board driver aids to an entirely new level. The new system, dubbed Monkeytronic, is based around a live chimpanzee that lives in a special hole in the centre console and crawls out on demand to help with everyday tasks like setting the climate control and turning on the headlights.

Thanks to an intensive training programme, the chimp also makes a major contribution to active safety. If it senses that the car is about to slide it will grab the steering wheel and apply the necessary amount of opposite lock. BMW also claims that Monkeytronic can perform subtle steering corrections to offset the effects of a strong crosswind and, if so desired, will be able to activate the cruise control and then hold onto the wheel, allowing the driver to do other things such as make a phone call or eat a big sandwich.

Monkeytronic will be available only on the range topping 7-series for the moment but the same technology is expected to filter down to lesser models as the price of specially trained and shaved monkeys falls. Not to be outdone, arch rival Mercedes is said to be planning a similar system for the next generation S-class, tipped to be called PuertoRicanOrphanmatic.

VOLKSWAGEN IN BEZ-BASED FIASCO

Dr Bez surprises engineers by insisting that the anti-roll bar be a 'loose fit'

There were red faces at Volkswagen this week after another attempt to improve their consistently mediocre chassis tuning went hilariously wrong. Sources say VW bosses intended to hire respected ex-BMW and Porsche boffin Dr Ulrich Bez, now head of Aston Martin, to inject some much-needed spirit into their upcoming models. However, due to an amusing mix up the German giant actually ended up employing Bez, the dancing goon out of the Happy Mondays. “We were a bit surprised when he turned up to a design parameters meeting for the next Passat wagon,” said one anonymous engineer. “Whilst we attempted to define the self levelling rear suspension requirements he insisted on freaky dancing around the studio shaking his maracas.” Wolfsburg spies say worse was to come at a review session for the next generation Golf: “We attempted to show ‘Dr’ Bez the computer models for the new independent rear suspension,” explained our source, “but he just danced around the CAD/CAM units and claimed the design was ‘twisting his melon’. Now the workstation digital input pad has got sweat all over it.” However, it’s not all bad news for collegues of the hollow cheeked groove monster: “He’s very generous with his little sweets,” noted one senior engineer, before adding, “I love this company. I love you. Do you want a swig of my water, friend?”

This is not the first time a large German car maker has suffered a music-related mix-up. Several years ago BMW’s attempts to lure Chris Bangle from Fiat were almost derailed after they inadvertently made a generous salary offer to 1980s all-girl pop foursome, The Bangles. “Yes, that was a close one,” agreed a company source. “But the deal was off when we discovered that they had a stupid habit of doing nothing from Tuesday through Friday and then had to finish all their projects in a mad rush at the start of the next week. And then had the audacity to complain about it via the medium of song. Mind you,” our Munich mole added, “perhaps they would have made a better job of the new 7-series.”