On Thursday 7 May, Britain votes on its next government. In case you need help deciding who to vote for, Sniff Petrol presents a handy guide to the transport policies of the main parties. And the Liberal Democrats.
ROADS
Conservative: “David Cameron is a friend of the motorist. Not an actual friend, you understand. You have a regional accent and a semi-detached house and therefore he finds you ghastly, but the point remains. We like cars, and we want you to work harder so you can afford a better one, you awful scum.”
Labour: “Let us be clear, roads are good and we are committed to roads, but roads are also bad and, if elected, we would reverse years of Tory cuts/negligence/other with our clear policy of doing something or other.”
Liberal Democrat: “We agree with that other chap. No, not him. That other one. Yes, him. Probably.”
UKIP: “Why are the roads congested? Immigrants. Why is that traffic light on red? Immigrants. Why did your 1996 Rover 600 fail its MOT? Immigrants. And bald tyres. Made bald by immigrants.”
Green: “Right, so, like, cars are bad, okay, and they should be, like, banned and stuff. Everyone should, like, just cycle everywhere and, like, you know, walk and stuff. We’ll be discussing this tomorrow at a wheat-free peace seminar in the Hugo Chavez Suite at the union, yea?”
SNP: “Just recently we heard of Scottish twins who were forced to walk 500 miles and then, thanks to Tory cuts, walk 500 more. This journey could have been achieved by car, and we will work to ensure people in Scotland have access to adequate motor transport so that it is their choice whether or not to fall down at your door.”
RAIL
Conservative: “David Cameron went on a train recently and, amazingly, it was full of photographers. Apparently, however, most trains are just full of the poor and our policy will reflect that. Oh God, what do the poor want? More chips or something. Yes, free chips with every train journey.”
Labour: “Let us be clear, trains are good and we would re-nationalize the railways using the money saved from investing more in the NHS, and this would not be necessary because of savings made in infrastructure and education, and a social housing voucher for stronger regulation of banking policy. I don’t think we can be clearer than that.”
Liberal Democrat: “While, to some extent, we agree with the policies of that other party, we also agree with that other one as well, but we have always maintained a strong level of disagreement with the things we don’t agree with, whatever they are.”
UKIP: “It is a proven fact that the reason trains are late is because of immigrants on the line. This is the result of the Channel Tunnel, which UKIP would close immediately, cutting off this giant syringe of immigrants being injected into Britain.”
Green: “Okay, right, so, like, trains are, like, okay, right, but only if they, like, run on renewable energy sources, like, you know, solar or, like, wave power, and stuff. Are you, like, going on Sarah’s protest march about, like, the effect of nuclear power on grass snakes or something, we can, like, tell you more about it then, yea?”
SNP: “Recently we sent a representative on a fact finding mission to investigate the rail infrastructure of the United States. When we received their letter from America, we were shocked to find that you can take a looooooook up the railtrack from Miami to Canada. We would seek to reverse Tory cuts, so that Scotland too could have a railway of such incredible straightness.”
AIR TRAVEL
Conservative: “Under the last Labour government some of David’s friends were only able to go on holiday three or four times a year. We are still working our way back from this shocking state of affairs and one way to achieve it is to build more airports using the land currently occupied by wasteful, inefficient hospitals. Only by clearing these buildings full of the working classes moaning about being ill can we be confident that people from Oxfordshire can have access to the skiing holidays they so urgently need.”
Labour: “Let us be clear, we will not build new runways except when we do because the environment is important, but so is the economy, but is the environment, but so is the economy, but so is the environment, but so is the economy, oh God, oh God, oh God, this is too difficult, please like us please.”
Liberal Democrat: “We have always been very firm on the subject of airport expansion and we would have no hesitation in going along with whatever another party says about it, as and when required.”
UKIP: “We know that airports are very important to UKIP voters, mainly because you can drink there at 7am. On the other hand, airports allow immigrants into Britain. This cannot be allowed to continue, which is why we pledge to allow only British people into and out of British airports. This would be policed by a new task force of security guards, therefore creating thousands of very low paid, menial jobs for British people who want them. Oh.”
Green: “Okay, so planes are, like, really bad for the environment and stuff and, like, that’s not good, okay? But, what if you, like, want to, like, go travelling? That’s, like, a major bummer, and also, we were thinking of going to, like, see Will in Thailand in a couple of months, so, like, air travel is, like, bad, but it’s okay if you, like, don’t enjoy it and, like only watch one film on the flight or something, yea?”
SNP: “Scotland once had the biggest runway network in the world with an international airport in every town and city. Thanks to Tory and Labour incompetence, many of those have closed. We have a list here: Lochaber no moooooooore, Sutherland no moooooooore, Lewis no moooooooore, Skye no moooooooore, Bathgate no moooooooore, Linwood no moooooooore, Methil no moooooooore, Irvine no mooooooooooooooore.”
ANOTHER OTHER TRANSPORT BUSINESS
Conservative: “Our transport policy is inspired by our friend Jeremy Clarkson. That’s why the next Conservative transport minister’s main job will be to get drunk and assault a subordinate over something extremely petty.”
Labour: “Let us be clear, Ed Miliband is prepared to say whatever it is you want to hear, but he’ll preface it with the words, ‘let me be clear’ in the vain hope of making you think he is being clear. Let us be clear, he is not being clear. He hasn’t got a clue what he’s talking about. Please, send help.”
Liberal Democrat: “Ah, now, um… is it too late to, um, say something about… wait, stop, where are you all going?”
UKIP: “If it wasn’t for immigrants, you would have an Aston Martin. This is a fact, and we know it’s a fact because Nigel Farage said so, and he likes going to the pub so you know he’s a good bloke and definitely not a ghastly little Englander with a face like a melting frog.”
Green: “Hi! Would you sign this petition. It’s, like, to say that, like, wasps are good and that, like, Starbucks is bad and how, like, we should all, like, not eat, like cheese or something until the successful completion of a London to Moscow unicycle superhighway.”
SNP: “The SNP is committed to bring pride back to Scottish transport and manufacturing. We’re often asked how we’re going to achieve this. Well, we have two words for you English bastards; Hillman. Imp. Da da lat da (da da lat da) / Da da lat da (da da lat da) / Da da dun diddle un diddle dun.”
