Last week Vauxhall announced a brand new ‘lifetime warranty’ for all new cars and this week Sniff Petrol exclusively uncovered details of Kia’s radical new ‘infinite warranty’ for its range. Now Proton has revealed its own improved warranty offering, based around the company’s relationship with oscillating buffoon Dane Bowers of never-popular boyband Another Portion.
Called Proton DanePlan, the new scheme promises that if your car develops a fault, Dane Bowers himself will eventually turn up, sweating profusely, to see what he can do to fix it.
‘Other manufacturers may offer long warranties but if you need to use them you’re required to visit a dealership,’ said a Proton spokesman. ‘Only Proton DanePlan promises that you can relax at home, safe in the knowledge that a grunting oaf is breathlessly on his way to you.’
Proton sources say they are able to implement this unique warranty scheme for two reasons. First of all, because they only sell six cars a year in the UK. And secondly, because Dane Bowers needs the work.
‘This plan really will deliver,’ promised their spokesman. ‘As soon as you call us to report a problem with your car, Dane will be dispatched so that he is there within a matter of hours, depending of course on where you live and how many branches of Greggs there are on his route.’
Not everyone is completely convinced by the Proton DanePlan, however. ‘Dane Bowers turned up at my house once,’ said Prestel Switchboard of Sodding Hell. ‘Not because I have a Proton but because he was waddling past and smelt that I had a pie cooking. He subsequently got this weird green stuff on all my chairs, and made an extraordinary mess in the lavatory, the bulbous idiot.’