Troy Queef

Pliant as a pillow fight in a puppy factory

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Thin spears of quick moist misery fire through the somnolent air of a pregnant December Wednesday and shatter in juicy pools of aqua upon the expectant earth below. Against a grey and gloaming sky thick with a seamless ceiling of cloud, the green stripe landscape beneath calms the eye like cool and verdant carpet. All at once this contrite contrast is broken by two infinite shafts of lugubrious light, piercing the landscape like the eyes of Jesus. But this is no holy vision for these are headlights and they are moving. Fast.

From behind the valiant shining lights that cast asunder all shadow from the landscape all is calm. I work the controls with slight, precise moments of movement knowing that I must look pace in the face and tell it who’s boss. I must also be in Wisbech by 3pm.

My weapon for this all out assault on the north face of the East Midlands is a compact hatch with a name that gives it a lot to prove for I am atop none other than the new Kia Venga. If that name puts you in mind of a high tempo explosion of brightly coloured beats then you would not be alone. The questions is, have Kia’s own Venga boys (and girls) scored a number one smash?

There are certainly no concerns over the engine which releases the power and perfect pitch of a Mariah Carey vocal line, panting hot and heavy talk of torque right into your heart. So this baby’s got the pace. But can its brassy chassis turn classy when the going gets sassy?

I squeeze every last drop from the pipette of performance and snake into a series of switchbacks like an angry anaconda. All at once the little Kia senses my ever firmer hand upon its helm and responds in kind. The ride rocks hard but remains pliant as a pillow fight in a puppy factory whilst the tyres grip like a loyal leeches mounting guard at each corner of castle chassis.

Sensing that this baby wants to play I power into a particularly snickety section of sinew at 110 percent. With an instinctive twitch of the right hoof I snap shut on the gas and feel the Kia’s taut tail step wide. I simply catch it with a dab of oppo and I’m away.

The Kia Venga 1.4 ‘2’ is a bitch. And I spanked it.

Troy Queef is Executive Associate Editor-At-Large for DAB OF OPPO magazine