Troy Queef

Eager as a plutonium powered puppy

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6am is no reasonable time to rise from silent slumber, especially when the British summertime rewards your early endeavours with solid shafts of liquid disappointment, falling fast from a sombre ceiling of crestfalling cloud. Yet there is good reason for this ahead-of-schedule achievement of the upright state since at this unholy hour the roads are quieter than a mouse’s mute button. Even in weather as foul as a tramp’s underpants, this is one good reason to rise. The other is that I have an 8am appointment with my dental hygienist in Kettering.

Furthermore, there is an additional item that has driven me from the land of duvet and divan, and it sits silently yet sweetly outside awaiting the attentions of my thumb upon its remote key. Instantly, the locks pop on all four doors and in mere moments I am in. Eyes scan instinctively over the dashboard and the duopoly of perfectly placed spokes on the handsome helm. Engine fires, as crisp as the contents of Gary Lineker’s larder. Let’s see if this baby is hot. Or should I say, Picanto.

That’s right. My steed for this early morning assault on the cruellest curves the East Midlands can concoct is none other than Kia’s new shrink wrapped baby, set to shake up the somnambulance of the sub-B segment. And the most important question is, has it got the dynamic spice of a true tasty treat or is it about to ruin a keen peddler’s appetite?

First impressions do not disappoint. A micro motor as eager as a plutonium powered puppy working in sweet harmony with a gearshift as slick as the aftermath of a tanker disaster makes for pointedly pacey progress across the damp and dramatic flatlands as expert inputs to the truth filled tiller allow the perky Picanto to surf each curve like a supercharged slot racer.

Yet chunkier challenges await for the road is about to get a whole bunch curvier. Instantly the cute Kia seems to hunker down and power up, as if its well-hewn headlights have envisioned the challenge ahead. As the twisted Tarmac begins to batter its chassis, this feelsome funster responds in kind, with a ride that soaks up potholes as if they were made of marshmallow and handling that defines the very essence of adjustability.

Coming in hot to an especially nuggety right I palm hard on the wheel and slam shut the gas. All at once I feel the playful tail step wide. I simply catch it with a dab of oppo and I’m away.

The Kia Picanto 2 EcoDynamics is a bitch. And I spanked it.

Troy Queef is Executive Associate Editor-At-Large for DAB OF OPPO magazine