What is the most pointless four-wheel-drive car ever made?
Question of the week – 20/10/14
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133 Comments
Twin-engined Citroen 2CV.
Suzuki x90
Or
Lamborghini LM002 Equally bizarre and pointless!
Audi A4 tdi Sportline Quattro.
The Quattro gives loads more grip in the bends don’t you know.
Especially those nasty bends on the M25.
Definitely the Panda 4×4. Nothing else comes close
Suzuki X90 hands down
The March-Ford 2-4-0 its not a formation, its a Friday afternoon we’ve all had a laugh F1 car ‘What do you mean you’ve built it !
Vauxhall Cavalier 4×4
Nissan Primera 4×4
Peugeot 405 4×4
Ford Mondeo 4×4
They were all at it back in the day, but had no positive effect on the repmobiles they infected.
The Suzuki Kizashi is particularly pointless.
Aww damn, here’s me thinking I was being super clever by saying the Suzuki X90 but everyone else has already – well, except Alex who’s answer is a mega-journo one
I once drove a Suzuki Kizashi in the US. I liked it.
Chris Taylor – the LM002 at least had the fine, rich glint of lunacy in its eye
Suzuki X90
I don’t like the X6, but at least it has some point to it – it points out that it’s being driven by an enormous bell’s end with a small dangler, particularly the white ones with black wheels.
The X1 is also pretty pointless, but it probably fulfils the delivery of children to some terrible suburban school with a squirrel on in the uniform as well as allowing its appalling owners to pretend that they are bona fide BMW owners.
But, try as I might to think of something worse, the X90 is impossible to surpass: there are few other cars that just raise the question “why?”.
Now the Subaru Justy, THAT was a pointless car.
Hang on.
Suzuki make a 4×4 version of the current Swift? Really?
Definitely the Subaru Justy – basically a 4 wheel drive version of the Suzuki Swift 1.3 litre. It had so little power that you couldn’t spin the wheels in the two wheel version, never mind the 4 wheel version. I had one as a courtesy car a few times when the Impreza was in for a service, and the clutch was always destroyed by people seeing if there was any point to having a 4wd version… which there wasn’t.
They do Vanoord. And the really useless version of the Subaru Justy I was thinking of was based on an earlier Suzuki Swift.
Range Rover Sport
Nissan Qashqai. When I ordered one a few years ago the salesman told me they had *never* sold an all-paw 😉
X1, x3, x5, x6, q3, q5, q7, xc90… the list is long…
Bugatti Veyron. 4WD isn’t needed for posing around Harrods at 15mph.
The AMG version of the M-B G-wagen. Take the German army’s equivalent of a Lard-Rover and add so much bling that it costs over a hundred grand. To buy one you would have to be:
. a rapper, or
. a drug dealer, or
. Lewis Hamilton
None of these is an acceptable occupation in Polite Society (or so my butler tells me).
Mini Paceman. A modern-day X90, as it were.
I still laugh at them when I see them. Possibly okay if you’re a dwarf, but otherwise…
…what am I saying? No, the Paceman is not okay under any circumstances.
But is there more point to it than the XC90?
What’s wrong with the Golf Country?
BMW X5. Utterly fucking pointless unless your child’s school can only be reached by traversing a muddy, gravel strewn incline – and even then you’d be better off with a Matra Rancho.
Those little Subaru and Suzuki hatchbacks are pretty handy in the snow, as a result there’s loads of them to be found in the more rural parts of Scotland.
The Nissan Murano CrossCabriolet. The UK was spared this, but it was a convertible that looked so weird you’d never want to take the roof down, rather ruining the point of being a convertible, and it was an SUV thing that couldn’t carry lots of kids and cargo, rather ruining the point of being an SUV thing. And it has AWD so there you go.
I think it was only sold in America.
Ferrari 408. It would not have been pointless if they had done something with the technology, but they didn’t and so it is.
So wrong about the Panda 4×4, visit rural Italy in winter to see why, thousands of the old rust buckets still flying around (mostly held together by cable ties/gaffer tape/mud)
The Citroen AX 4×4 has to be in with a shout. Rear drivetrain made of cheese, in a chassis made of marzipan…
Then of course there’s the Escalade, which was and is an utter pile of steaming ordure, but top of my list of most pointless, shit, and bloody awful 4×4’s are the BMW X6, and the Mercedes R Series.
Daihatsu YRV? There was a 4wd Daihatsu Mira/Cuore Avanzato but that was so bonkers it was brilliant…
Quite right Chris, I won’t have a word said against the Avanzato TR-XX.
Ferrari FF ….only missing the S
Got to be the Subaru Justy.
So you want the comments here then? :o)
The Ferguson P99. With the raw power from it’s 1.5L engine this single-seater didn’t really need it’s 4×4 system.
Sharknose, you win 10 spotters’ points for the most obscure nomination to date. I would doff my cap if I was wearing one. Which I’m not. But still, you get the idea.
@Sandy: Dr Larrington has a Suzuki SX-4 (I failed in my attempt to get her to buy a Jensen FF) after being cut off by snow in the Cotswolds a few times. Needless to say it hasn’t snowed since.
Most big SUVs are utterly lacking in Point, being as they are the size of a stately home on the outside and the size of a phone box already occupied by Clark Kent inside.
Anything which has been made to lap the Nürrrbûrrrgrïng as part of its marketi.. development process.
ANY SUV/PSV(Pointless Status Vehicle) fitted with low profile sports tyres. Completely defeats the object of the 4WD system and increased ground clearance
BMW X…, Volvo XC…, Audi Q…, etc
However, the BMW X6 may have a purpose – to make the Porsche Cayenne look subtle.
BMW X5.
Specifically my neighbour’s X5. The only off-roading that thing’s ever done, or ever will do, is parking on the pavement OUTSIDE MY FUCKING HOUSE.
It’s a good job I’m not a raving nut job with a can of petrol in the garage, a copy of the anarchist’s cookbook on the iPad and a massive inferiority complex in my brain, seething as I type this and contemplating the fucker’s imminent fiery and hideously painful demise.
Er. You ain’t read this, right?
What about the Cosworth 4wd F1 car that Robin Herd designed and was so crap it never raced. That’s pointless – literally!
Mercedes R500. Why?
Suzuki Ignis/Holden Cruze
Didn’t Ferguson do a 4WD version of the Opel Monza?
Subaru XT
In third : UCF450Y; The actual Dakar 4×4 built specifically to transport Anneka Rice on Challenge Anneka.
Second : the Suzuki X-90.
First : Peugeot P4. The pointlessness of this vehicle knows no bounds. All the famous G-wagon reliability engineered out and Mercedes banned its export anyway.
Obviously it’s the Suzuki X90, but you wouldn’t have asked if that was the answer…
The Ferrari FF has already been suggested so I’m going to go for the Holden Adventra.
Mk1 Renault Espace Quadra.
Oh yes, they sold it with 4WD
VW Phaeton Lounge.
Wheelbase does restrict its offroading ability somewhat and, in the event of inclement weather, Jeeves will tell the chauffeur to fetch the Range Rover surely.
As for the nominations for the Justy and Swift 4x4s, only Brits (and possibly the Dutch) could overlook the benefits of such little wonders in snowy hills. Even the Wagon R comes with 4WD as an option in Japan (using the same rear axle as the Caterham 160).
Skippy – I totally agree about the LM002, It is Glorious in its Lunacy, but the question is….Is it pointless?
Unfortunately it is, however I wouldn’t want to live in a world where it didn’t exist!
No mention of the Freelander yet.
The 4WD on this was actually counterproductive as it chewed the rear tyres merely by being driven, thereby effectively reducing grip in slippery conditions.
Any 4×4 that someone actually thinks will make a difference to their daily commute or school run. Win bonus points by mentioning that you need a 4×4 because you “live in the country” forgetting that in the more rural parts of Blighty they’ve managed to put down some pretty flat tarmac. Win the game completely by suggesting that you need a 4×4 for winter then ordering something with tyres that are not much more than cut slicks.
While I’m on how the hell have we got so far down the page with no one mentioning the Jaguar X Type. The only reason that was four wheel drive was so that Jag could try to attempt to begin to pretend that it wasn’t a rehashed Mondeo.
There are a few wrong answers here:
The Labo LM002 was glorious, its point being to bring joy to the world.
Any small Japanse (or the Panda 4×4) is actually very handy in the Norwegian outback.
I will not stand for any talk of the Freelander’s abilities in slippery conditions. I have driven one during several Norwegian winters. If you want to discuss the quality of the K-series engine, I’m with you! (I drive the TD4)
The two correct answers are the BMW X6M, with does not have any ability at all off road, and no space. The most correct answer is of course any civilian Hummer H1s. They are quite simply too big to be useful.
The Insignia 4x4s that shoved the 2.0T into the 485 quid a year tax bracket.
25% off-topic, but has anyone ever made a 3WD Reliant?
this is a great question.
Obviously the Suzuki X90 has a purpose that no-one has yet determined, so because no-one knows what it’s for then it is the most pointless 4×4.
I agree that all th Pandas and other very small cars with 4×4 capability are very useful in certain conditions, eing able to get somewhere that a hulking reat monstrosity couldn’t hope to reach.
My answer to the question is the most pointless 4×4 is…wel, several actually, but they all have one point in common. Idiot owners have paid a fortune to personalise them. i’m thinking of Overfinch and Khan and all that crap I see regularly. It is actually possible to make an X6 or Cayenne worse than when it emerged from the factory. And that should be a war crime.
Hummers – any car that consumes petrol faster than you can pour it on the floor has to be pretty pointless
Subaru XT Automatic. Only 4wd when the wipers are on.
X6 … A cross between a Woodlouse and a Roller skate. Still as long as their owners (sorry leasers) don’t take out innocents as they fail in an attempt to defy the laws of physics !
…..Unless if the 5 series GT is avaiable in X Drive ? I would check but then I’d risk marketing drivel via Web cookies and be forced to take my own life !
Spotters’ badge to Nev for the Subaru XT trivia.
It has to be the Subaru Vivio. The Justy had ground clearance and a mighty 1.3 litre engine. The Vivio used scooter wheels and had a whopping 652cc and 43bhp shared over all four wheels. As a result you had a car with no innate mobility advantage that was slower noisier and less economical than all of the competition.
I had a manual one a few years ago, but that one had a pistol grip gear stick with the 4wd button on top. Like on a fighter jet might have had if it was a 1980s Subaru. TAKE THAT SAAB.
Is is too soon to mention the 2015 Bentley Tectonic Plate? Or whatever they end up calling the upcoming gargantuan SUV with a flying B on its bonnet.
Lotus 56, not because it wasn’t a great, briliant, iconic car, but it didn’t need a 4 wheel drive system. Indy 500s are not run in the wet so no traction problems.
Got to say I’m amazed at the Justy/YR-V nominators – clearly they’ve never been to semi-rural Scotland where the Justy still does able service (if it hasn’t been chewed by rust) getting the elderly back and forth along slippery tracks to and from their hilltop homes.
I nominate any of those Twisted or Nene Overland “chipped up” Defenders. All the disadvantages of an Defender (shitty driving position, dodgy build quality, noise, electrolytic corrosion) with all the disadvantages of having poor taste (interior normally pimped out like an Essex brothel, impractical “sports” seats) and both a wheel/tyre combo and a price tag that mean you’ll never want to take the rotten thing off gravel for fear of pranging it.
IMHO, of course… 😉
Honda Legend 2004 on – probably a damn good car, and a secondhand bargain, but did anyone in the UK actually buy one?
While it still basks in a post Breaking Bad renaissance, the winner here has to be the Pontiac Aztek with ‘Versatrak’ all-wheel drive.
The Aztek was, is and always will be, monumentally hideous. It’s hard to believe that the same guy has designed the sexy new C7 ‘vette. I assume after a particularly intense round of laser eye surgery and cataract removal.
Its design also meant a long wheelbase and low ground clearance. Which is fucking rubbish in a 4×4.
Plus the extra bulk of the system took it to 1.85 Tonnes, which once you’ve added in the weight of the driver, 20KG of crystal meth and half a tonne of shame, means that the generous 185BHP mated to a smooth as gravel 4-speed auto will get you precisely nowhere.
It’s a pointless car, with an even more pointless 4WD system, which somehow makes the shitheap EVEN WORSE.
4×4 on a Panda or the like still makes sense in some scenarios. On this, it makes it even more pointless. If anything epitomises the thinking that sent GM into Chapter 11, the Pontiac Aztek Versatrak is it.
Audi once marketed a mountain bike with the word “quattro” written in large, friendly letters on the top tube.
Journo: Isn’t “quattro” Audi-speak for 4WD?
Audi Munchkin: Er. Yes. Yes, it is.
Journo: So how many driven wheels has the bike got?
The munchkin was subsequently disembowelled and eaten by Ferdinand Piëch.
Oooof, good call Chris C. I have a terrible fascination with the highly advanced Honda Legend of that era. I’m sure it’s a bit crap, yet still I rather fancy one, 4WD and all.
Apologies for additional Subaru content.
Still what seems like dozens of 4×4 Sumo vans rattling around over here on Jersey. Not entirely sure what their appeal was over the 2wd version.
Have we had the SVX yet?
Anything small with 4×4 has a purpose – the Panda might not be able to pull tree stumps up, but it can haul itself up slippy slopes and get through snow. Handy for people in remote places who don’t need a Defender covered in checkerplate. Likewise the SJ410 and 413, the Jimny and all those.
Vitara. Perhaps. Still not a bad offroader so see above.
Vitara Wideboy. There we go, a winner. The arches reduce the wheel clearance, the entire outside is made of plastic and fibreglass so you can’t “lean” on trees and it’s heavier than the regular one.
@Pillock
Agree on Wideboy (Fatboy, vernacularly).
Also agree on SJ & Jimny. Used to sell Suzukis and these were always popular, although I used a Jimny as a company smoke once and dropped it down a manhole.
Aaah yes, Fatboy. I knew it was something to do with childhood obesity.
Agree with the above comments regarding the 4×4 repmobiles – the Cavalier, Mondeo etc. In fact, the Vauxhall effort at launch was based on the bog stock standard 2.0 – the Sporty ones came later – which would suggest being targeted at country types rather than performance yoofs. Yet it had road tyres and a beige cloth interior so hardly ideal for heading off over the fields with a dead sheep in the boot.
There were plenty of other, similar bewildering 4×4 versions – Peugeot 405 (not the Mi16, but rather the GL spec), BMW 525ix was also in the no-mans-land between performance and countryside. There was an all-wheel-drive version of the Volvo 850, but not the T5 that could do with more driving wheels.
Being too much of a slacker to read all the comments I don’t know if it’s already been mentioned but surely the utterly despicable Frontera deserves a place on the list?
Dad has one of the rare Volvo 850 AWD models that looks identical to a T5 but for an inch extra ride height. It has nearly 200hp and still eats front tyres, while the visco diff is made of chocolate so you have to keep the rolling radius consistent on all four wheels.
I’m thinking various 4WD Popemobiles – Mercedes M-Class and the like – which are required to travel at 4mph on newly-blessed tarmac on sunny afternoons. That the role was formerly performed by a chair carried on the shoulders of the faithful suggests that high-speed off-road capability may be superfluous.
CM – That same tyre problem affects the XC90, does it not? Volvo clearly still getting the hang of 4WD. Mind you, they’re Swedish and probably know that it’s all a bit pointless when all you really need is winter tyres and some basic snow driving SKILLZ.
….or (s/r)y; where s = the number sold, r = the number remaining and y = the number of years since first sold. Interestingly, a variant of this formula can be used to work out which one of Jordan’s augmentations best captured the nation’s imagination. Either application yields a tired relic from the 1990s. I imagine.
I don’t think the Frontera was as bad as everyone (read “Top Gear”) made out, except for the early 2.3 Diesels which would, apparently, seize due to low oil pressure if left to idle for any length of time.
Anyone mentioned the original Dacia Duster yet? World’s worst gearchange and a 1.4 Renault engine giving 0-60 strictly by appointment. As much use as mudflaps on a tortoise.
SsangYong ‘odius 4×4 EX.
I am ashamed its existence has even registered with me.
We nearly forgot the Renault Safrane Biturbo…
A bit off piste but Google “monster marina” if you want a pointless 4×4. The less said the better about the 2 wheel drive version let alone the four wheel drive version. Apparently you have to look ahead as they can only cope with smooth roads according to a bloke called Jan-Ivar on morrismarina.org.
Mini Moke, the “Twini” version. Two engined, ground clearance the same as on a grass snake, two gear sticks, can have each end on a different gear or shut one engine down. I believe they need to add the word “flawed” to the description of Alec Issigonis, coupled with the usual “genious”.
Daihatsu Sirion Rally 4 – Used a friends – Got stuck in snow. Enough Said.
I had a go in a Sirion 4 once. Whilst driving it, another Sirion came the other way and the driver gave me a very cheery wave. He was probably just staggered to see a car like his.
Hummer H2/H3
And ‘holy cow’ of British history – Jensen FF.
How has no-one mentioned the Renault Megane Scenic RX4? MPV looks with all the added complexity and weight of 4WD when everyone wanted 4WD looks without the associated penalties.
I was about to mention the aforementioned Renault Scenic 4WD. The definition of pointless (unless you have shares in the firm producing tasteless/useless plastic body trim).
I have a vague, nagging memory of a 4WD Rover 21-something-or-other with ghastly plastic skirts and bumpers…
I learnt to drive in a Morris Marina in the mid 80s which basically makes me a far better driver than anyone born after 1995.
It was my first car so while my head says “Urgh” my heart hankers for those days of a lot less cars on the roads.
Chevy erghhhhh S blerghhhh SR, sorry, couldn’t even think of it without inducing projectile vomit eeerrrgggghhhhhhh
The answer is the BMW 2 Series Active Tourer Business Edition EfficientDynamic X-Drive EcoNetic Hybrid Synergy Drive AMG M-Sport Type-R Diesel, or whatever it’s called. That thing that BMW makes which is obviously a Kia Carens.
In a country without rough terrain (like my country the Netherlands) is every 4×4 pointless…
Sorry to be late to the party, but we can approach this problem logically and establish the winner by a process of elimination.
There are two uses for 4WD, one is to enable a powerful “sporty” car to have more traction, and the other is to provide traction on a low grip road surface. So we are looking for any car that fails in it’s category.
However, if a car is clearly a fail in the first category (by means of not having enough power), then it could be argued that it falls into the second category. The flaky Panda 4×4 is the perfect example – clearly a normal car with no discernible power output, so it could claim to be a winner by means of being useful in the Dolomites, which it probably is.
Therefore the fail will be in the off-road category. This will require all off-road attributes to be entirely inverted. Therefore:
Massive, sticky summer sports tyres on very wide wheels.
Firm, low travel suspension.
So we are down to the enormous Porsche, Audi and BMWs. We can eliminate the Porsche, because it has a purpose (taking vast amounts of cash from rich idiots to then subsidise the design and manufacture of interesting sports cars).
Trawling thought the configurators:
X6 xDrive30d M Sport 258 bhp, std 20″ 275/40/20 and 315/35/20, lowerd M Sport susp – 202 mm
X5 sDrive25d M Sport 221 bhp, opt 20″ 275/40/20 and 315/35/20, lowerd M Sport susp – 208 mm
Q7 S line Sport, 245 bhp, std 21″ 295/35/21, 206 mm
The BMW’s trounce the Audi with their utterly useless 11 inch wide rear wheels with 315 summer tyres. All have rock hard lowered suspension, but the X6 takes the gong from the X5 both by a reduced ground clearance of 202 mm and the fact that the 20″ staggered wheels are standard fit.
Which brings an interesting conclusion, where two Venn diagram circles just manage to cross each other. The most pointless 4WD (the BMW X6 xDrive30d M Sport) also so happens to be the most pointless, Bell-endy car on the planet.
Stu gets 10 points for thoroughness.
@ Stu: nice argument, but have you considered that tyres as wide as that are useful for road-rolling purposes?
@ Yugguy: me too, Marina 1.3 in Sandglow Orange, 1985. If you can drive one of those up a hill in North Wales when it’s snowing, you don’t need 4WD.
Interesting what people think are pointless 4×4’s without having driven them or seen what they can do.
The 4×4 2CV’s and Fiat Pandas etc. are awesomely capable things, they weigh as much as a packet of crisps and hence float over stuff you would sink a “proper” 4×4 in. Likewise the tiny Suzuki SJ/Jimny. I have seen them drive rings round “real” 4×4’s at serious off-road sites. They are to off-road performance what a Caterham is to on-road performance – small, basic, lower numbers than the big boys but never bet against them. Bit tiresome for the daily commute in all cases.
Freelander I am a convert to and I’d invite anyone taking the piss to come out with our club for some first-hand experience of what they can do.
In fact, say what you like about Land Rover but at least they will happily spank anything they make round the woods at Eastnor, and it WILL do it even if the 1st few owners will never dare. Contrast the off-road course at Mercedes Benz World which you could drive a Smart Car round towing a caravan.
My votes go to the ones which are purely for show: The 100k BMW/VAG/Merc/Lexus SUV’s with 20″ low-profile P-Zeros and all the rugged outdoorsiness of Julian Clary. Or the current crop of fugly “crossovers” from the likes of Nissan & Vauxhall. In fact the short answer is “all the ones which will be stuck/crashed/at home on the drive next time it snows/floods”.
The most pointlessly named 4×4 must be the Isuzu MU:
an acronym for Mysterious Utility, which was apt as no one could work out what they were for.
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The Ray of Light Theatre also just opened the musical “The Full Monty” which features a great cast and is just a fun show altogether.
But then again, others believed that the village is comprised of such vast land
area mainly because it went beyond its original borders.
Plug the likes of a Bully Dog Power Pup into your OBD-II port and hang on my darling, you.
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