In light of Bernie Ecclestone’s recent remarks, how would you attract more old people to F1?
Ha! Well that’s that issue dealt with.
Cushions and armchairs in the grandstands
In a radical change to F1 that many pensioners will appreciate, the winner will be the driver who effectively nurses the tyres and fuel most carefully. Oh, hang on…
The return of Honda to F1 will give old people a brand that they can more easily relate to.
Coaches. Old people love a coach and coach holiday. Any summer you can witness this by watching them shuffling along Eastbourne seafront, sucking on a bag of chips and dribbling onto the pavement. With this in mind i suggest that theregs are changed from a single seater formula to a 53 seater (no standing) formula. Pit stops would involve filling 53 cups of tea from a luke warm urn, and having to change any soiled garments. All you would need to run this ideal motorsport event is a cretin of an old man, devoid of life and sense…. oh hold on…
Bring back Murray-Mint Walker…
Opera glasses in every seat
McLaren to be sponsored by the Daily Mail and the WI
There are a number of options :
Turn the volume down.
Require all cars to be preceded by a man with a red flag.
Insist that all racers and pit crew are polite at all times and “not foreigners”.
All cars restricted to “safe” speed of 35MPH regardless of actual conditions, so the old folk can feel more like they could be competing themselves.
Introduce “hearing loop” thing instead of a PA system so they can hear what’s going on.
Make everyone use canes.
Limit pit lane speeds to 35mph.
Limit on-track speeds to 35mph.
Don’t get rid of that nice young man Jensen Button… I like him and I bet he’s nice to his gran.
All cars to be replaced with Motobility scooters. Stannah stairlifts in the grandstands. Alan Bennett to do the commentary.
Thermos of milky tea and a tartan travel blanket, free with every ticket sold.
Also a thirty minute loo break every five laps so they don’t miss any of the race.
Don’t show F1 live on Sky, too many channels to choose from for old people to find the right 1.
Ensure the BBC doesn’t show the race at a time that clashes with Antiques Roadshow.
Ken Bruce to commentate, Lynn Bowles reports from the pit lane.
Make the sport about fuel economy…. oh wait….
“Lynn Bowles reports from the pit lane”
I think you mean “game of bowls in the pit lane.”
Let Taki Inoue and Johnny Herbert go round giving out free hugs at the races.
make the cars 4x bigger
Add David Attenborough commentary
Get Honda to join F1 (Bernie already got that covered)
Rename: Mercedes to Messerchmitt, Sauber to Heinkel, McLaren to Spitfire, Red Bull to Red Baron, Ferrari to General Franco Team
Let “them” drive.
Bingo. The number of the car crossing the finishing line first at the end of each lap is removed from the race and scored off the bingo card. Races are thus shorter, addressing any tricky bladder problems, and the poor teams at the back of the grid win more races resolving the current funding issue. Bingo!
Some great suggestions here. This could be the evolution of a new sport. Let’s keep it British and have our OWN World Cup Series. Don’t let it fall into the hands of a Federation International of Farcical Antics lest it should corrupt a fine emerging sport.
Easy – change all the cars to a 1.3 Honda Jazz.
The cars are still far too noisy. Quiet them down!!!
At least one car has to drive the wrong way around the track to make the driving experience more real.
The drivers should randomly select reverse gear and drive into a swimming pool.
Podium ceremonies could be conducted by Fiona Bruce with the help of an “expert” who might gauge how much the trophies awarded would cost to replace.
Make Werthers the main sponsor…
Convert every seat in the stands to a comode…
Have paramedics and defibrillators in every row of seats (comodes)…
The camera helicopters to double as air ambulances…
Strap bernie ecclescake to the muzzle of a howitzer and fire it to start the race…
a random 3 digit number to appear on screen every minute, and you have to use the top 8 cars to make that number.
And the cars could be sponsored by sun life, stannah and that company that makes walk in baths.
Pulling in for a pitstop should be done with maximum revs and the clutch disengaged.
Also, male drivers must all wear hats on top of their helmets. Old people like driving in hats.
Replace Marussia with a Last of the Summer Wine team managed by Aled Jones.
Ad breaks during the race for toilet breaks.
Make F1 just like “the old days” where;
A British driver won the championship 2 years out of ever 3,
A plucky Frenchman put in an amazing performance to win one race per season,
Only one South American driver allowed, but he would win the championship in the years when no Brit won it,
More Italian teams, only driven by Italian drivers,
Only one German driver per season, who would traditionally die in a horific crash near the end of the season,
All cars to be in national colours,
Sir Stirling Moss to come out of retirement.
It already happens, they absolutely nothing all week then clog up the roads at the weekends.
How to attract old people ?
With a magnet.
All those metal hips and knees will drag their hosts to wherever you want.
For a fee, Caterham will call them and listen to stories about their grandchildren once a week.
Instead of having sponsors logos on the cars and everywhere, these will be replaced by viewers’ pics of their grandchildren or favourite pet.
Have the pace car drive round the track at 39mph right in the middle, wondering what all the fuss is about behind them.
Tartan travel rugs and stick on compasses in all the cars
Lavender, make the cars smell of Lavender!
The winning team and driver shall be permitted to have their choice of George Formby songs in lieu of national anthems.
Sherry will replace champagne as the post-race podium beverage.
Christian Horner will be replaced by Des Lynam.
High tea must be taken by a driver whenever he makes a pit-stop.
The return of V12 engines to benefit the hard of hearing.
German teams must ensure that every team member wears lederhosen and a monocle and dines solely on sauerkraut and bratwurst.
All British teams must include team members named “Alf”, “Nobby” and “Dusty”.
Just old people or old people with cash?
If it’s the latter, there’s a few things:
1. All cars must carry two sets of golf clubs at all times
2. All races will take place on a sunday morning at 11.00AM, straight after church, no matter the time zone.
3. Races will now be sprint events, starting at the church and finishing at the garden centre for a proper english breakfast.
4. All cars will be powered by the weakest diesel engines possible, because no-one wants to spend their retirement fund on fuel and it all costs too much and it’s all the labour party’s fault.
Diaper advertisement. The old farts don’t need Rolexes, they need diapers.
1. All races to be held in supermarket car parks.
2. Once a lap, each driver to stop suddenly and start reversing with no warning.
3. On entry to pit, each driver required to clip the car in adjoining pit. Extra championship point per race for most paint collected.
4. Podium Champagne to be replaced by Jeroboam of Sanatogen.
5. Grid girls to be replaced by the Black and White Minstrels.
-Tickets will only be available through POA only to one Mr Ernie Becclescone including a copy of your last 3 months statements to ensure you’re rich enough to “enjoy” F1.
-Merchandise stalls will no longer carry any item under the price of £300. That should keep the elderly poor away.
-Burger vans will be removed and replaced with shellfish and champagne bars. Also included will be free supplies of werthers originals and ovaltine for post race podium presentations.
-All cars will be required to have a nodding dog attached to the rear wing.
Carry a bag of garden rubbish in the rear (as being a Sunday I might as well take it as we’re going out)
-All drivers to be named Ginger, Thommo or Binky irrespective of nationality except for the token German who shall be named Fritz.
-Cars under the value of £300,000 will not be allowed to park anywhere near a circuit.
-Camping will be replaced by luxury yurts for the more discerning mug, sorry elderly millionaire.
-A season ticket waiting list will be available to the over 50’s to attend a race once one of the target over 70’s audience has dropped dead at the price of a replica Ernie Becclescone “I’m so wealthy I don’t give a shit” t-shirt.
Don’t do anything.
Step 1. Turn that bloody racket down! Oh, he already has.
And replace grandstand seating with deckchairs
“No Grandma, I said we were going to see the F1, not Ethel.”
“What do you mean you can’t hear the car engi…..oh…long story.”
Get rid of Lewis Hamilton to avoid any comments that the old peeps don’t realise is racist.
In an innovative tie-in with Gala Bingo halls, prizes for completing cards will all be GP tickets.
Introduce massive clutch-slip on all cars at the start, ensuring the racers rev to at least 15,000rpm before moving off incredibly slowly, in a hail of noise.
Fit awkward-looking auxillary mirrors to all cars, and optionally, drivers’ helmets.
Pre-race pit walk to be hosted by Des O’Connor, who will impress upon the whippersnapper drivers that everything was far, far better in the good old days.
Podium celebrations to be held sitting down, with a nice cup of tea, in place of the usual champagne.
All drivers forced to pilot uninspiring-sounding hybrid cars… No, wait.
Pit stops to include the eating of a shortcake biscuit, and a quick natter with the chap in the next pit box.
“Bernie Ecclestone 2015” calendar to be given as a free gift with every GP ticket. Oh dear, I appear to have been a bit sick in my mouth.
Old lady favourite Richard Hammond to commentate on all races.
Also obligatory gags about Werther’s Originals, flat caps, and tartan blankets.
I think Ernie Becclescone, is trying to steal my annual “Goodwood Revival” plan.
Front and rear machine gun turrets should be fitted to all cars.
Bifocal helmet visors, carbon fibre pension book holders in the cockpits
Drivers drink bottles to only contain Horlicks.
Red Bull to be renamed Hot Chocolate.
Bovril to replace Champagne on Podium.
All official travel packages to races by Saga.
Get a really ancient block who doesn’t understand the twenty first century to run the sport.
All races on a Sunday afternoon, so people can doze off after a Sunday roast.
Ferrari to be mid field team, like the good old eighties.
Sex partners a quarter their age and twice their height.
Replace them whippersnappers with some proper drivers, you know, gentlemen, like the good old days.
Make sure there is no mention of F1 on Bookface or that YouTublerone thing because we don’t like them computer gadgets. Oh, wait.
And another thing, publicise grand prix racing using simple board games, including a Monopoly set themed for each city where there’s a race.
Ban Sky from using their “Dad music” and funky / pointless montages. This is what causes a lot of old people to switch off. The quiet engines are good for old people, they used to hate the sound.
Teams should be made up from members of popular daytime TV.
Maclaren=Cast of Doctors
Ferrari= Cast of Diagnosis Murder (Dick Van Dyke to do a dodgy italian accent)
Lotus/Renault/Benneton (delete as appropriate)= Cast of Murder she wrote (someone always dies)
Mercedes= Stars from Bargin hunt, one car in blue and one in red, noice fleeces as well.
Force India= Cast of Citizen Khan (not daytime but i’m struggling now)
Sauber= Cast of Flog it! (no explanation needed)
A new rule allowing only 20% of the clutch bite-point to be used at any one time
Just leave Bernie to run the show.
Buicks! make every car a Buick!
Why are people so horrible about old / older people? I know a fellow in his mid-70s who drives (very well) a Cayman S 981 and an Impreza 330S Prodrive, another of a similar age who does trackdays in his 968 Club Sport, and another fellow nearly 70 with a 996 Turbo. All three drive a hell of a lot better than what I observe from most new drivers, who apparently are now taught to shift up at about 1300 rpm and seem to have no understanding of a car’s physical relationship to the road.
How to make old people more interested in F1? Make it more like it was in the past IE exciting and glamorous. I suspect trying to make a film like Rush with the 2014 season as a starting point would result in something outstandingly dull.
Bi Focal visors, sponsorship from Sun Life over 50’s plan and all drivers to wear demob suits when not racing.
Helmets to be made of pith, overalls of cotton, and refuelling reintroduced. To be carried out by a chain smoking man called Reg equipped with an oily rag and several open drums of “Pratts patented motor spirit”
Post race interviews to be carried out by Michael Parkinson who will occasionally be attacked by a Rod Hull lookalike with a gropey ostrich
Seriously though Bernie, I am a high-ish earner relative to many but am burdened with kids, mortgage, and real life. I wouldn’t mind a Rolex but I couldn’t morally justify buying one. And quite frankly I think you have damaged their brand because if I ever considered getting one, I would feel I was doing what Bermie wanted. And last time I looked I wasn’t a spineless bunch of formula 1 team bosses who are happy to let the sport get ruined by a senile megalomaniac. You have officially gone madder than Balestre and anyone who slags off their customers (Ratner anyone?) will suffer for it.
Ps – you twat
Bring back old drivers.
Pedro De La Rosa for Ferrari drive anyone?
Bring back that nice man with the moustache.
pits stops to include “40 winks”
All cars to have the right indicator flashing for the whole race.
cover them young ladies up in front of the cars on the grid, they will catch their death of cold dressed like that.
replace drivers overalls and helmets with a nice flat cap and tweed jacket.
Random ovaltine testing.
Team Radios replaced by Radio 4.
1 car to continually drive the wrong way round on the track.
TV monitors around the track have the option for the race or to turn over to watch “The Duke” on real deal.
Every ticket comes with a free signed card of Des O’Connor who is the new show anchorman (when all races are moved to Gold +1)
1. Switch the British GP to a new location in Bournemouth.
2. Switch all the remaining GPs to a new location in Bournemouth.
3. Give all spectators an easel and watercolours so each can produce a really awful painting of the event.
Get Werthers Original to sponsor the cars
Team Micra, making the backmarkers look good, getting in the way, causing accidents then blithely pottering on oblivious and then proclaiming loudly that they have been driving for fifty years and never had an accident and it’s all the fault of that “slightly odd youth with the diamond earrings going too fast and playing baroque music in the motorhome.”
Or, failing that, now everyone has their own personal number, F1 bingo?
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28-year-old FREDDIE BULLIARD is the founder of the GAS DANDY website and magazine and merchandise empire. Here he talks to BROOKS TUFER of TIRETRACKS.COM
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