Name two things you think Ron Dennis has in his desk drawer.
1) Martin Whitmarsh voodoo doll
1 – Dettol
2 – Ronspeak Dictionary
A jar with vacuumed packed bags of every employees’ belly button fluff
Some 12sided die for playing Dungeons and Dragons
1) a horizontal plane edge facilitator
2) a heated beveridge delivery unit
1) Alonso’s engine reliability.
2) Button’s engine reliability.
1. An metal wire based paper collation device.
2. A small circumference paper hole manufacturing apparatus.
1. A dictionary/thesaurus with more words scribbled in the margins.
2. A locked box containing Alonso’s watertight contract.
Oh, and it’s not a desk drawer.
It’s a horizontal work flow management and utility storage device.
1. A black hole
1. A copy of “How clean is your house”
2. A copy of “How to attract corporate sponsors”
1) Mercedes engine contract
2) His retirement fund
1) A liquid-based hand-propelled compact illuminating device for informing others of the key words and phrases which are intended to be emphasised (fluorescent yellow)
2) A letter to the Honda Motor Corporation upon which the device (1) has been utilised to highlight the words ‘insufficient power’, ‘non-acceptable reliability’, and ‘shower of bastards’.
1) 50 Shades of Grey (Colour Chart)
2) How to build a 1.6L V6 Turbo Engine for Dummies
1. A 50ml bottle of gel based antibacterial hand cleanser. Non fragranced.
2. A framed 7×5 photograph of Mika Hakkinen, circa 1998.
1) A written communique concatenation device (stapler);
2) A copy of the Collins Concise English Dictionary annotated with Ronisms.
1) A milled aluminium drawer tidy, with precision engineered compartments to snugly hold Rotring Rapidographs, Pentel GraphGear 1000 automatic pencils, Staedtler Mars erasers, PaperPro stapler etc.
2) Fresh air.
What, you think The Ronald actually gets his limb-mounted compound joint object manipulators dirty?
Dirt on Alonso and Button. There must be a reason for them both staying.
1) Enfield #2 revolver
2) A single round of ammunition
And possibly a small revolver.
Ron’s desk doesn’t have drawers. The mere thought of hidden clutter is too much.
1. A slide rule
2. The remote to select any of the 2,738 CCTV cameras around the MTC
Two tins of ‘Ron’seal. Because they do exactly what they say as a spin.
1. A piece of string
2. A linearly graduated size ascertainment device for determining the total distance between endpoints of said piece of string.
Result used to work out when McLaren Honda will win a race.
It’s going to be Jenson in Spa in case anyone’s interested 🙂
– A cheese butty from Absolute Taste – no crumbs on his desk!
– A note reminding himself that “from our perspective, and ours is more qualified because we are not hiding from our inadequacies, it is statistically not borne out that we have huge reliability problems.”
1) A signed picture of David Coulthard, that he’s giving serious consideration to putting back on his desk.
2) An unsigned Renault engine contract, that he’s giving serious consideration to signing.
1)His dossier on Max Mosley
2)His old BRM oily rag to beat himself with when he’s feeling dirty
Receipt from The Village People costume outfitters (inc moustache) and an empty Vim tube. The evening Ron will never talk about. Ever…
‘Haines Get The Best From Your Honda Engine’ Manual
1. An Engineering Efficiency Manual.
2. Another Engineering Efficiency Manual.
1 – A pack of glitter gel pens
2 – Frozen on 3D Bluray
1- a remote that makes an elaborate scale model of the MTC raise out of the ground and also shuts the window blinds at the same time.
2- a white fluffy cat
1. A swatch book of all the grays that are allowed at MTC, in order to perform random compliance spot checks.
2. A photo of Sam Michael with lots of tiny holes in.
1. A dog-eared copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
2. My innocence.
A vacuum packed collectors edition of Razzle.
Even his Filth is immaculate.
1. A junior hacksaw
2. A 1:16 model of the McLaren P1 drivetrain with the 2 rear cylinders sawn off
1 AA membership card.
2 RAC membership card.
1, A CD of Ferrari blueprints (circa 2007)
2, A cheque stub for $100 million
A Mint Aero.
A near-mint Aero (work in progress).
1. A note with his password on. That is, his password etched into the surface of a sleek grey ellipsoid of carbon fibre.
2. A straightened paperclip for ejecting a faulty cd-rom.
1. A crumpled photograph of him and Jochen on a night out in 1968.
2. A letter he wrote but was never brave enough to post.
Look at his eyes. There is hurt behind them.
1. A VHS copy of the 1983 USA Grand Prix West, to remind Ron of the good old days, when you could win from the back fo the grid.
2. John Watson’s phone number and unsigned contract.
1. A Personality
2. a pair of knickers (spare)
1. A receipt for $100m courtesy of FIA and signed in unknown fluids by Max
2. A copy of Autosport so he can gather all the workers on a Thursday and tell them what’s in it.
The latter may perhaps be true…
1. Report to shareholders listing the strengths of the partnership with Honda and all the postive aspects of working with the Japanese engine gurus and the positive achievements of the 2015 season.
2. A second blank sheet of paper.
Almost certainly a solid state digital storage device forged from the finest refined titanium and rare earth minerals containing ‘Slut Whores Volume 5 through 19’ and exquisitely manufactured 20 centremeter gag ball immersed in container of Dettol (original flavior)
1) A set of Vernier calipers
2) Another set of Vernier calipers to check that the first set is accurate
1. A ridiculously complicated mechanical pencil which is completely unsuited to tasks such as A) drawing long, straight lines, and B) drawing long, sweeping curves. It’s quite good at drawing twiddly bits though.
2. A well-thumbed Finnish telephone directory.
1. Shattered dreams
2. Large tub of denial
1. The key to a subterranean MTC carbon fibre-lined cell containing Honda’s top executives.
2. A 2015 season-long FIA ‘Early Departure Dispensation’ pass, permitting Team-wide exit from GP circuits during races.
A) Some Stockings
B) an invite to a Max Mosley party
1. 1,273 pieces of Lego, grey, 4 stud, organised by quality of manufacture, plastic sheen and number of scratches.
2. 2 Chinese stress balls that have been worn into perfect ovals, their once faint inscription detailing the path to inner peace worn away by the passing of time.
1) Sniff’s latest car reviews. Well they must be somewhere as we haven’t seen them for weeks.
2) I don’t really know who he is. I just wanted to make a barbed comment about Sniff’s lack of car reviews.
Nobody knows. The draws never have been, and never will be, opened. Firstly, because of the distressing temporary visual asymmetry this would cause, but secondly, and far more significantly, because the shifting of the desk’s centre of gravity would cause an unequal loading on the desk legs. The resulting compression of the floor under the front legs could result in the desk itself no longer being (quite) level. That’s simply not an acceptable risk to take.
1) The coin used when when he tossed a coin to decide details on Ayrton Senna’s contract
2) The rules written down when making said decision on Ayrton Senna’s contract.
Both stored in a box, which says ‘to be mentioned every time someone talks about Ayrton Senna’ on the lid.
1. Signed picture of Mr Humphries from ‘are you being served’
2. A pair of those glasses with eyes on springs.
1. A red pushbutton on a small box, unlabelled
2. A list from 2012 of the 590 people richer than he is, with eleven names crossed out
I guess they’ve been a bit busy with a certain loathesome TV presenter being replaced by, umm, a certain loathesome TV presenter.
Actually it’s Carcoat Damphands I miss the most.
1. Any doubt.
2. A soul.
200 marlboro fags
several bottles of Johnny Walker
just enough to get through free practice one
1.An emergency button to call for help if someone enters his office in dirty shoes.
2.A second button for the emergency trapdoor release if #1 doesn’t bring help fast enough.
1. Another smaller set of desk drawers.
2. With more small desk drawers inside.
1. The fuse removed from the ERS in Alonso’s test car
2. Dummies book for Electrical wiring for Beginners
Elephants don’t forget and nor does Ron…
1. Eddie Jordan’s village idiot smock.
2. A huge anti-bacterial device to decontaminate the drawer from any perceived output from item 1 above.
A copy of Max Mosley’s autobiography.
1. A recently read copy of Richard Branson’s – It’s Not About Size: Bigger Brands for Smaller Businesses
2. An unopened copy of – How to Win Friends and Influence People
1) Fernando Alonso’s title dreams
2) A small atomiser full of Mika Hakkinen’s tears from Monza in ’99, applied only when Mrs Dennis is “liable to take receipt of a turgid coital apparatus within an optimal timeframe”
1. Purely in the interests of Cosmic Equilibrium a list of all the people who are exactly the same weight, age and height but called Dennis Ron.
2. As a rather flaky Plan B another list of all the peole who are exactly the same weight, age and height called Den Ronnis.
1. A plentiful supply of identically sized lemons, equidistantly spaced and replenished twice daily.
2. A well-thumbed copy of “The Observer’s book of Village Idiots”.
1. An unsigned engine contract with Mercedes for eternity
2. A copy of F1 for dummies
1) The Keys to a New Honda NSX
2) A Letter from Honda saying HA HA HA, that will teach you
1: Definately not any F2007 blueprints, so probably a map so he can navigate around the stupidly designed Technical Centre.
1: A 3k twill carbonfibre and 6AL-4V titanium Adrian Newey Pez dispenser with a single limited edition cyanide Pez inside.
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Commonplace classic covered by waffly words of wank
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