What new and creative ways should F1 use to penalise Pastor Maldonado?
Give him a contract extension.
Bears. For each indiscretion on the race track Pastor has to spend 5 minutes in a cage with an agitated bear… Whilst wearing a hat smeared with honey.
Tow a McLaren.
Drive-Through penalties now mean that he has to return to the pits, get out of his car, and jump in a rental to go and get all the other drivers a McDonalds. Kimi demands McFlurry.
Attach his braces to the mgu-k and when he does something ridiculous, make him deploy all his harvested energy to his teeth.
His car should be painted pink so he can clearly be identified by other drivers. His team engineer should be replaced by Janet Street-Porter who can talk him through every corner of every lap.
He must kiss the helmet of any other driver he inconveniences or crashes into throughout the course of the race.
Replace his Lotus with a speed limited bumper car and make him wear a jesters hat instead of a helmet. Overdub his interviews and race coverage with ‘yakkety sax’.
Tar and feathers should do it.
Why penalise him? he adds a lot of spice to what is often a boring procession. Just think of the excitement if every team had one. We need more Pastors, not less!
Make him drive in Formula E.
Put him in the Merc
Make him wear skis in the cockpit.
1. Drive a McLaren.
2. Spend a day translating Ron Dennis’s press statements.
3. Become Trentham Sleeve’s new bestie.
4. Help David Coulthard get in and out of his trousers.
Make him listen to 5 minutes of Croft commenting F1. Add 5 minute per new penalty.
For every penalty take $1 million from his sponsorship money, and use it to buy toilet paper for Venezuelans. (Or more likely, straight into Bernie’s pocket)
Make him wear a blindfold, and see if it makes any difference.
Make Pastor clean Ron Dennis’ already spotless office with a toothbrush and disinfectant.
I’ll admit, I have a soft spot for Pastor, he is the modern day Andrea de Cesaris.
The Spanish Inquisition,
nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Fly to the next race with a budget airline in Economy. Guess what I am doing and not enjoying….
Nectar points, say 1000 for every time he livens up a boring lap, 10,000 for causing a spectacular crash, and a free toaster every-time he bins it for no particular reason in full view of the cameras.
Make him drive a McLaren…. at least then he’ll have a 50% chance of not even starting…..
Make him play for the England football team.
At least the penalties will come in useful
He should be made to share a motorhome with Eddie Jordan, one night for every peice of the car he breaks and it doubles for damage to other cars.
I’m disappointed. He could have overtaken another car, sped AND crashed into the safety car, all within the pit-lane. All those opportunities missed.
There aren’t enough penalties available in reality. So I would have it that he has to appear on a different UK game show each time hammers into anything. So Total Wipeout this week followed by Pointless etc. Or maybe he has to become one of the eggheads on…eggheads. More crashes the longer he has to be an egghead. Yes that’s it. The Beeb will lose literal some thousands of pounds. Maybe the tedium will help though.
Wasps. A box of wasps should be strapped to his racing helmet and/or crotch. A small opening hatch could release one into his helmet or racing overalls for each demeanour.
No wasps should be hurt during this punishment and they must NOT be allowed near the bears.
Look, we know he’s a useless cunt but at least he keeps us in a job.
After each demeanour bring him back into the pits, sit him down in a quiet darkened garage and give him a cardboard box containing all the broken pieces from a 2015-spec. F1 front wing and a large tube of UHU. Don’t let him return to the track until it’s complete, the glue dry and the wing available to be re-fitted to yet another car in need (i.e. any of them).
I must demand respect for Sr. Maldonado, our number one driver. It not his fault if all other cars and barriers crashing into him, all the time. The poor people of our country are starving in the streets so we can spend health service money on this heroic gladiator of the engine cars to bring glory and honour to all Venezuela. Please stop cheap jokes, as this risking future of investment into sport, and my 20% back-kick as well.
The FIA could disconnect his steering wheel anytime he does something dumb. Not sure it will be obvious though.
As any self-respecting youth worker will tell you punishment is not the answer. The stick might make us feel better and while we may get a tinge of satisfaction from seeing this chap with an anvil tied to his eye brows or being made to wear an “I Love Gary Glitter” badge before being sent on a night out in Portsmouth it isn’t going to fix anything.
No, this man is clearly troubled and we need to help him. For every lap he completes without incident he should be brought into the pits and given a “Great Try!” certificate. This should help to build up his confidence. As the accident free laps mount up he could be brought in for a pizza party with two of his friends or even a trip to the cinema (as long as he promised to use inside voices and tell someone that he needs to go to the toilet before he wets himself like last time).
With this sort of encouragement he’ll soon be getting through an entire race without crashing. It’s all about kindness.
1. Mount a flashing amber beacon to the top of his car as a warning to the other drivers. Maybe wear one on his head when not on the track, too.
2. Sweep the debris from the circuit after every race, seeing as he will be the cause of at least half of it.
3. Be steward at the Euro F3 races (very stressful).
4. Put a block under his accelerator pedal so he can never drive at full throttle.
What everyone else said.
He should be loaned out to whomever team wins the previous race. It’ll be a form of handicap. The condition is he must race, so adding in an element of the joker – which car is Pastor in today…? It will keep drivers and spectators on their toes and his sponsorship money will be divided between any team he does not drive for at the end of the season, so bringing some financial fair play into F1…
I’m Pastor’s God-Mother. Praise be.
He should be forced to co-present the new Top Gear with Chris “gingerbollocks” Evans. That’d teach the boss-eyed little fucker…
Put an on-board speaker on his car, playing the Benny Hill theme tune on a loop. Or make him appear on a Santander poster campaign with a completely inappropriate tagline.
New and creative ways to penalise Maldonado? – Swap his Lotus for the Saftey Car, at least he would have flashing lights to warn others and the rest of the field would not have him on the circuit most of the time.
I ordered pasta maldonado at a restaurant yesterday evening – The waiter tripped over his shoelace and dropped it on my wife’s head…
For each wreck/infraction he has to be Bernie’s chauffeur for a week. Maybe we’ll get lucky.
After or before the last crash: make him to replace the useless titcheek Rosberg. That would give us some entertainment.
Maldonado should be made to drive a car heavily modified by Volvo. To include (but not limited to) the following features:
– ABS brakes
– ESP traction control
– Multiple airbags
– Automatic emergency braking system
– Blind spot warning system
– Lane Keeping Aid
– Driver Alert Control
– Seatbelt pre-tensioners
– Roll stability control
If he crashes after all that, management at Lotus are allowed to fire one Volvo employee of their choice.
Oooh Betty! Ever seen Pasto and Frank Spencer in the same room together, I rest my case
He should be made to read these comments.
Discretly ushered into a potting shed for 40 mins of muffled whimpers, tears and the quivering leg of Ron Dennis.
Sniff, you really need to let us +1 these comments. Some of the above are almost as funny as watching the real thing.
Agree with Mathias. We do have a good old chuckle at some of this stirring keyboardmanship, and it would improve our feeling of wellbeing and social engagement if we could either comment back, vote up/down or somesuch contrivance.
Create a new dish called Pasta Malfunctionado, that must be eaten with your feet and wearing a blindfold.
Hook his in car radio to the local mini cab firm so gets the calls for Bernie’s ride to the Merc motor home or early rides for the McLaren team to the airport.
Ol’ McDonaldo is the rising star, is to F1 what Uber is to professional taxi industry.
The Maldonado drives; and having crashed,
Slides on; and all your Engineers nor Skill
Shall ne’er bring back to racing Line,
Pastor; and we are left the bitter Pill.
(from the Rubaiyat of Bernie Khayyam)
I think he do ok you know, he pretty good driver….
Taking a leaf from Formula E: PastorBoost™ allows avid Maldonado fans to dump an extra 20% of KERS energy for 5 seconds directly to the Venezuelan’s left testical.
FIA’s working group to explore providing Charlie Whiting the option on deploying an additional PastorBoost™ to the right testical, if it can be found.
“If it can be found”?
Surely Pastor is a right testical?
200 lines per penalty point.
On my desk first thing tomorrow morning or it’s an appointment with the Headmaster.
Send him to me anyway. My wife says she’s tired of him chanting “MILF” at her.
Don’t punish Pastor, use his skills.
Rather than handing out race killing penalties to other drivers unleash the ultimate sanction for minor transgressions by activating the “Release the pastor” penalty. At which point Maldenardio leaves the pits and has three laps to take out the offending driver before returning to his “pit cage”
Its a winner all round as the revenue generated by the “release the Pastor” flag sales would easily cover the cost a a set of second hand remolds for the car, plus the lotus twitter account could be upgraded with a joker feature where pastor immediately gets a puncture for ever 10 retweets.
Make him drive a leopard print smart car at every grand prix
“+1”, “thumbs” and “like” for Mathias’ comment.
*insert large image of blue hand with thumb held aloft here*
After his inevitable crash at every meeting he should be made to do a lap in a proper clown car, no not jensens car but a proper billy smarts clown car.
Oh Sniff readers, I do wish I had a ‘like’ facility. But I don’t. Sorry.
He must walk behind me carrying a brace of bright golden lights to increase the evanescence that only truly beautiful hair can radiate.
Make him drive a lorry through Calais and onto the Eurotunnel.
Attach a large screen double sided pc monitor complete with PC and wifi internet connection permanently refreshing his website: http://hasmaldonadocrashedtoday.com/
Wash Bernie’s smalls by hand in a bucket on the podium during the prize giving…
I understand Rob Austin Racing need someone to drive one of their Audis at Knockhill, let’s stick him in the middle of the BTCC pack and see how he gets on…
And before anyone asks. Yes we tried “the naughty corner”. Just another he didn’t make…
Having completed a thorough review of Custard Pasta RonaldMcdonaldhino’s driving incidents. I have come to the following conclusions;
1.The cause of most incidents are due to corners and/or barriers interfering with said driver’s vehicle.
2.Incidents are the result of racing at high speeds against other drivers.
3.Said drivers car is incapable of performing technically challenging manoeuvers around corners and/or barriers whilst racing against vehicles of high specification.
4.Venezuela’s contributions to the financial health of F1/ Buy Ernie a new helicopter fund require a holistic approach to reducing said drivers run of unfortunate bad luck.
For this reason the F1 calender for next season has been reconfigured.
The season will start at Santa Pod before taking in new races at Daytona Beach, Bonneville Salt Flats, The Great Victoria Desert, Peru’s Nazca Lines and a lap of Norfolk.
A full 22 race schedule will be announced pending.
In order to reduce further any conflicts to Custard Pasta RonaldMcdonaldhino’s racing style, he has been promoted to drive in a Mercedes. All other drivers will be allowed a choice of a Citroen C4 Cactus or Toyota Prius, and all other drivers will be given a 20 lap penalty handicap at the start of each race.
I’d like to thank the readers of Sniff Petrol for bringing this matter to my attention and for the time and resources of El Presidente Nicky M of Venezuela and the State oil company PVDSEY for sponsoring this report.
Mr E Becclescone
Make him dress like Hip-Hop Hamilton, its the only way to make him look more ridiculous than he already does.
Make him an honorary English backpacker and send him to Australia for the treatment…..
He should just join the priesthood – nobody notes what beliefs the drivers follow. Would be good to have a fast holy man in the sport (that puts holes in his car on a regular basis). His name’s good for it and F1 fans shout like they’ve found the Son of God whenever he smashes.
Make him give his toys to a child who will actually appreciate them.
As part of a new show each Friday on race weekends, Maldonado is to recreate at least one famous crash on that particular race track from the past. If he still is able to do another depends on the severity of the crash he will be recreating.
To make it more realistic and fun to watch, original car and race overall livery is to be applied
After May 8, click Read More for the answer. The question is where one must release the ball in order for it to fall into the bucket.
Comments are closed.
Gong glory for family firm favourite
Sniff Petrol is delighted to welcome a guest column from OLLY HIGUYS, better known as automotive influencer ON THE RIM
Commonplace classic covered by waffly words of wank