Archive for the ‘Random cack’ Category

How to write a car blog

Posted in Random cack by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 24th, 2015

You took this picture yourself, even though the press office can supply perfectly good ones.

You took this picture yourself, even though the press office can supply perfectly good ones.

So you’ve set up a car blog, you’ve given it a feeble, clichéd name that’s some sort of piss-weak pun or soggily macho reference to power, you’ve written a sub-header that claims you take a sideways glance at motoring whatever the frig you think that means, and you’ve somehow persuaded a couple of manufacturers to lend you press cars. Now all you need to do is write a road test. Here’s how to do it:

Start with a grand, sweeping and self-regarding statement about your life and/or share one of your half-baked opinions as if the reader gives a flying shit about either.

Make a clunky link into the car itself, followed by an excessively detailed paragraph about its market positioning and aims which you’ve copied almost verbatim from the press pack.

Give your opinion on the exterior styling by saying it’s ‘smart’ and then move onto the interior, remembering to say it is ‘well laid out’ as if describing the table at a formal dinner.

Regurgitate all the numbers from the back of the press pack without bothering to convert nm to lb ft and then move into an assessment of straight line performance, always noting that it is ‘more than adequate’ and making some reference to ‘licence losing speeds’ so as to knowingly imply that at some point you bravely took it up to 84 on a motorway. Remember when talking about this aspect to use the phrase ‘mile muncher’ in a horribly self-satisfied way that makes it seem like you’re the first person to think of this phrase.

Move on to an assessment of the handling, making full use of tedious clichés like ‘the twisties’ and describing the level of grip via some sort of cloying, sub-Clarkson analogy. Proudly analyse the handling balance as if you are Jackie Stewart tearing it around Spa and not just a ham-fisted clit who circled a local roundabout four times until there was understeer.

Oh, and don’t forget to make pompous reference to ‘the [insert name of website] test route’ as if this is an official and internationally recognised thing and not, as is actually the case, some roads near your house.

At this point you should make a tiny, tiny criticism of some small aspect of the car to show that you’re hard hitting. And then follow it with quick acceptance that actually this microscopic flaw isn’t really an issue. Oh God, oh God, oh God, please don’t stop lending me free cars.

Wrap things up with a lazy, soft lob conclusion in which you decide the car is class leading or at least as good as some other cars of about the same size, though of course these are also good as well because all cars are good, especially when they’re arriving at your house for a week with a full tank of fuel. Don’t worry that this model has been on sale for three years and no one is interested in any of the milky and unimaginative things you have to say about it.

Before you publish your test, don’t forget to write an ‘about’ page in which you describe yourself as ‘opinionated’ or ‘outspoken’, completely ignoring that anyone who describes themselves as such almost certainly isn’t.

And that’s it! You can now tell people you are a motoring journalist and they will nod and smile as if being introduced to Woodward & Bernstein rather than, as is actually the case, a feckless tit who just wants free cars to drive around in and is offering little to no entertainment or informational value and wouldn’t know an original thought if it came on the free branded USB stick.

Best of luck!

 

Next blog > Your achingly self-conscious opinions on speed cameras, like it’s 2001 all over again.

PLEASE BUY THIS BOOK

Posted in Random cack by Sniff Petrol on Monday, December 21st, 2009

BBTG10cover

If you like Top Gear but you wish it was a silly book written by Sniff Petrol rather than a silly television programme written by Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May with some shit jokes added by Sniff Petrol then the Big Book of Top Gear 2010 is the answer to your frankly rather weird dreams.

Inside its lavishly tooled pages you’ll find all manner of nonsense about Clarkson’s new exercise DVD, Hammond’s adventures as a 1930s comic book hero and the baffling instruction manual for May’s latest sat-nav system, plus lashings of other toss including an exclusive peek inside the Stig’s house, a look at TG spin offs around the world, and at least seven references to the actor Nigel Havers.

The Big Book of Top Gear 2010 – because let’s face it, it’s nearly Christmas and you’ll be fucked if you don’t buy your brother something soon.

Make with the clickery to order it from Amazon, even though it probably won’t turn up in time. You’ll just have to go to an actual shop. Sorry.

AND THERE’S MORE…

Posted in Random cack by Sniff Petrol on Friday, August 21st, 2009

Yes, this is a BUMPER DOUBLE EDITION of Sniff Petrol so click the Next page >> thing below to see the rest of the bulging August issue.

SORRY, SORRY, SORRY

Posted in Random cack by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

Hello. As you might have noticed, this issue of Sniff Petrol is catastrophically late. As you’re about to discover, this issue of Sniff Petrol is also basically rubbish. Apologies for both of those things. Sniff Petrol has been annoyingly preoccupied with Other Stuff to the extent that yesterday a flock of bees flew past whispering, ‘Wow, and I thought WE were busy…’

Anyway, enough mithering excuses. The May issue is here, ready to kill upwards of 37 seconds of your day, and it comes complete with news that the promised Troy Queef T-shirts are now ready to order. See below for details.

SNIFF TWITTERY

Posted in Random cack by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

twitterscreengrab.jpgFor quickly forgotten reasons probably related to attempting to be more like Stephen Fry, Sniff Petrol has signed up to Twitter and is now burping irrelevant car-related toss of 140 characters or less into the netospace. This seems to have gone down quite well so far, especially the ‘live coverage’ of Grand Prix so why not sign up so that you too can say “Well the lazy fucker hasn’t bothered to write another proper issue, but at least I’ve got some dismally ill-considered sentences on this silly fad feed to keep me going”. Use your clickery skills here to see the Sniff Twat. Sorry, I’ve just realised that last bit actually sounds rather rude.

TWIT PETROL

Posted in Random cack by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, April 14th, 2009

twitterscreengrab.jpgFor reasons that now escape us, but which almost certainly seemed like a good idea at the time, Sniff Petrol has become all modern and set up a Twitter account. So, if you’re an enthusiastic adopter of inexplicable current trends and you want a steady stream of basically utter drivel from this website (in 140 characters or less) then why not become a ‘follower’ of Sniff on Twitter.

You can find our Twittish dribble by performing the customary action upon this differently coloured text. Get in there now before the inevitable writer’s boredom and/or blog-style backlash causes Twit Petrol to become defunct.

PLEASE BUY SOMETHING SNIFF PETROL HAS WRITTEN

Posted in Random cack by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, December 18th, 2008

bbtgcover.jpgChristmas is coming and the goose is getting fat. But not, as it turns out, as fat as the sales of the splendid new Big Book of Top Gear which was written by the bloke behind this website. Not literally behind it. I think directly behind it is just some wires and circuit boards and stuff. If anyone’s feeling handy with a screwdriver they might want to look into that one. Where were we? Oh yes, the Big Book of Top Gear. It’s sort of like Top Gear on the TV, but it’s a book. In other words, it’s not really like Top Gear on the telly although someone on Amazon has called it ‘childish’ in his review so there must be some similarity somewhere.

If you would like to buy this immature and silly book you can find it on Amazon by making with some clickery HERE and thereby help to maintain its current position in the UK top ten best sellers list somewhere between Dawn French, Jamie Oliver and probably some other people who also like pies even more than Sniff Petrol does.

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