Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Rosberg working hard on ways to get arse handed to him

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, February 5th, 2016

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Sources in the Germo-Finlandic quarter of Monte Carlo say Nico Rosberg has been spending the Formula 1 off season working ‘flat out’ to build watertight strategy for once again getting his arse handed to him by Lewis Hamilton.

‘Nico knows that Lewis might not be on great form at the start of the season because he’s been titting about in Las Vegas with two types of Kardashian or something,’ said a source close to the Findo-Germanic driver. ‘That’s why he’s got to think on his feet to make sure that, even if his team mate isn’t on his game, Nico can still get his arse handed to him in some way or other’.

Friends of the TeutoFin driver say he has been spending hours at a time in a specially-built simulator which allows him to run through hundreds of ways in which he might choke under pressure.

‘Nico is leaving nothing to chance,’ said one Mercedes insider. ‘He’s got to consider thousands of possibilities for ways in which he can bottle it, say something really whiny on the radio, and then have his arse handed to him by Lewis Hamilton.’

Meanwhile, in the Hertfordshire quarter of Los Angeles, spies say team mate Hamilton has spent the last seven days entirely in the gym… posing in front of the equipment trying to get an Instagram photo right.

11 things you never knew about Nigel Mansell

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, January 26th, 2016

Nigel Mansell, yesterday

Nigel Mansell, yesterday

1. Although commonly referred to as Leo and Greg, Nigel Mansell’s sons are actually called Zansell and Xansell.

7. During their time together at Ferrari, Mansell and Alain Prost had an uneasy relationship, largely due to the British driver’s insistence on calling his colleague ‘Alan’.

g. Mansell has to have his trousers specially made to accommodate a piece of the McLaren MP4/10 that is permanently stuck to his arse.

viii. In Italy, Mansell’s nickname is ‘Il Luone’ which translates as ‘the droning noise’.

(57): As part of a long-running sponsorship deal, Mansell is obliged to use the word ‘Sunseeker’ in every sentence, even if he’s not being interviewed.

B. During his Lotus days, Mansell had an uneasy relationship with Elio De Angelis, largely due to the British driver’s insistence on calling his colleague ‘Alan’.

N: To this day, the McLaren canteen serves a ‘Mansell special’ every Friday. It’s a block of lard with chips.

88. Although Mansell left Ferrari over 25 years ago, the team still has a box full of Marmite, PG Tips and copies of the Daily Express which he left behind. Every so often they ask him to come and get it and he promises he will next time he’s in the area.

Four. Whilst at Williams in the mid-‘80s, Mansell had an uneasy relationship with Nelson Piquet, largely due to the British driver’s insistence on calling his colleague ‘Alan’.

YES: Since Mansell’s real moustache was irreparably damaged by a sticky bun in 1994, the Brit champion has worn a sophisticated false moustache made from carbon fibre and the luxuriant hairs that hang like a curtain from the back of Jackie Stewart’s head.

Maldonado considering things to crash into outside of F1

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, January 22nd, 2016

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

With his F1 drive for 2016 hanging in the balance, Pastor Maldonado has already begun to look around for other things to crash into.

‘Pastor knows his time in F1 could end the very second his debit card is declined,’ said a close ally of the bewilderfaced talent vacuum. ‘He would never take it for granted that he would be on the same grid as Lewis Hamilton, Kimi Raikkonen and all the other world champions he has almost crashed into. That’s why he’s already looking around for other race series’ whose drivers he could take off in lap nine.’

Sources say the Venezuelan competence stranger may look to the flourishing WEC series where he could achieve a lifelong dream of crashing into Mark Webber.

Alternatively, he could take a year off and spend some time back in his homeland where he could crash with his family.

F1 tediousness secured

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, January 21st, 2016

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

F1 bosses have this week agreed a landmark deal which will secure the dismalness of the sport for the coming years.

The new deal, thrashed out over two days of extremely boring and expensive meetings, guarantees the use of the current turbocharged V6 hybrid engines until at least 2020 or whenever the last person stops watching.

‘This is great news for everyone who likes sport that isn’t too noisy,’ noted Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘And it certainly allays fears that F1 might accidentally make the cars more charismatic or interesting in the next four years.’

For those still worried that Formula 1 might become a bit too interesting in the foreseeable future, the new deal brought more good news in the form of a rule limiting each driver to three rather than five gearboxes per season, maximising the chances of tedious processions featuring bored men trying not to wear out various parts of their cars in case someone on a two-way radio shouts at them.

‘This is great news,’ said insomniac F1 fan Laslo Ptitts. ‘Now if only the sport would limit each driver to one front wing a year and have that front wing made of glass, I think we could finally achieve the dream of banishing all racing!’

‘We like this deal because it will make it easier to sell customer engines,’ said a spokesman for Honda. ‘Why are you laughing?’

 

F1 stars reveal how they spent Christmas

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, January 8th, 2016

Some Christmas, yesterday

Some Christmas, yesterday

Top F1 stars have been revealing how they spent their festive periods, starting with Lewis Hamilton who enjoyed a very traditional Christmas of jet skiing with a dog and then putting a photo of it on Instagram. Hashtag babyjesus.

Meanwhile, Max Verstappen spent the day ringing on the doors of more established drivers and then running away while team mate Carlos Sainz jr. had a quiet family Christmas during which he once again wearily explained to his father that there are ‘no jumps’ and that he did ‘not have a co-driver’.

In Germany, Nico Rosberg spent Christmas morning complaining that Lewis Hamilton got to open presents before him and Force India driver Nico Hulkenberg occupied the day cooking a large turkey whilst ambitiously trying to cook a different kind of meal at pretty much the same time.

Further north, Kimi Raikkonen had a traditional Finnish Christmas dinner of turkey flavoured vodka with roast vodka, carrots in vodka and a vodka gravy, before gathering around a tree for the customary mumbling of the carols.

It’s interesting to hear where some drivers spent their Christmases, with answers coming in from Daniel Ricciardo (beach), Fernando Alonso (darkened room, sobbing) and Pastor Maldonado (casualty).

Finally, Jenson Button has admitted his Christmas was ‘disappointing’ largely due to a last minute jumper change which put it back until 6th January.

Channel 4 announces F1 plans

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, December 22nd, 2015

The Channel 4 logo, yesterday

The Channel 4 logo, yesterday

After snapping up the BBC’s unwanted F1 rights, Channel 4 has announced plans to bring coverage of the sport in line with the rest of its programming.

To that end, the first race of the season will be presented by Kirstie & Phil live in Australia where they will show an irritatingly indecisive couple around the track and then spend the rest of the race sitting in a pub drinking mineral water and listening to them witter on about how they really wanted a south facing kitchen.

For the second race of the season in Bahrain, the presenter will be Amanda Lamb who will show a retired couple from Sutton Coldfield around the local area before handing over to that other woman with the sweaty cleavage who will walk around some holiday homes within a short drive of the track until the race is over.

When the action arrives at the Grand Prix of Europe in June, the presenter will be Kevin McCloud who has been popping into the new Baku circuit throughout its construction in order to deliver solemn pieces-to-camera in which he suggests that it won’t be ready on time. On race day McCloud will be visibly irritated to find the project is completed before stepping aside so viewers can settle down to three hours of extremely slow, languid jib shots of the finished grandstands.

Not all of Channel 4’s F1 coverage will be property-based, however. The broadcaster has already announced plans to involve the team from hit show Embarrassing Bodies who will spend the entire season filming Bernie Ecclestone.

Hamilton trying even harder to be less likeable

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, December 15th, 2015

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

After revealing snippets of his new music, Lewis Hamilton is to continue his quest to make it very hard to like him by setting up a mis-sold PPI cold calling business.

‘There’s still some people who, like, still, like, like me, hashtag like me, hashtag patience of a saint, hashtag blessed,’ the Brit racer admitted. ‘But I can like todally fix that by ringing their mobiles at, like, inconvenient times and asking if, like, they’d, like, like to talk about reclaiming mis-sold PPI. Hashtag payment protection insurance, hashtag is this a good time to talk, hashtag blessed.’

‘I can todally, like, combine my, like, constant ringing of your cellphone with my other off-putting projects. Hashtag fan repellent, hashtag unplaceable accent, hashtag brian blessed,’ the not Los Angeles born star continued. ‘For example, sneaking into your house and leaving a single TeamLH Lego brick right by your bed, hiding the cables but not the plugs for all your phone chargers, and advertising the insurance company Go Compare. Hashtag pain and irritation, hashtag please stop liking me, hashtag sunblest sliced bread.’

Sources close to the allegedly Rihanna-banging racer say if these off-season projects to make it extremely difficult to like him don’t work he may have to engage in the ultimate move to make it very, very hard to like him; changing his name to ‘Jacques Villeneuve’.

Thing no one cares about splits from other thing no one cares about

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, December 8th, 2015

A Infiniti, yesterday

A Infiniti, yesterday

Red Bull this week announced the end of its relationship with Infiniti, causing enormous disappointment amongst no one.

‘This is such a shame,’ said industry analyst Ian Dustryan-Allyst. ‘Red Bull has worked so hard to become no one’s favourite Formula 1 team and their status as perhaps one or two people’s third or fourth favourite at best made them a perfect fit for Infiniti who set a new benchmark in the luxury sector, as long as the only parameter you measured was complete disinterest.’

‘Put the two together,’ Dustryan-Allyst continued. ‘And you could see the results were, um… oh look, a pigeon.’

The effect of the split is sure to be have almost no repercussions for Red Bull who will continue in F1 now they’ve stopped mincing about pretending they don’t have an engine. For Infiniti, however, the effect could be more dramatic with some market guides forecasting a European sales drop of 75 percent leading to an estimated 2016 sales total of half a car.

Renault hopes they don’t have to use that shitty Renault engine

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, December 4th, 2015

The Lotus factory, yesterday

The Lotus factory, yesterday

Renault has confirmed that it is to buy Lotus F1 and says it is ‘praying’ that the team’s return season isn’t ‘ruined’ by having to use ‘that shitty Renault engine’.

‘We are delighted to be taking over at Enstone and we cannot wait to work with the immensely talented chassis designers, aerodynamicists and other staff,’ said a Renault insider. ‘We just hope that everyone’s hard work isn’t undone by that shitty Renault engine.’

‘This is great news for everyone here at the factory and I know that under Renault ownership we will go on to even better things in 2016,’ added a long-serving member of Lotus staff. ‘Assuming of course we can keep that decent power unit we’ve been using. God help Renault if they take it away and we have to fit that shitty Renault engine from Renault.’

‘Hmph. We thought that Renault engine was quite good,’ said a puzzled spokesman for McLaren.

Experts seek new word to describe this F1 season

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, November 30th, 2015

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

Some of Britain’s finest linguistics experts are gathering today as they attempt to create a new word to describe the feeling of tepid dissatisfaction brought on by the 2015 Formula 1 season.

‘This is a really tricky one,’ admitted professor of language Professor Ovlang Widge. ‘English is so rich and varied, and yet still we lack a word that encapsulates the strange, restless torpor and gloom experienced by someone who sat through this year’s F1 season in its entirety.’

‘Thus far we have agreed that ‘ennui’ simply doesn’t cover it, since there was always a faint glimmer of joy when that useless oaf Maldonado invented a new way of crashing,’ Prof. Widge continued. ‘Nor is ‘boredom’ quite appropriate since it doesn’t cover moments when Max Verstappen drove like a mad twat and gave you a tiny sliver of hope that this wouldn’t be another completely wasted Sunday afternoon staring at fucking watch adverts.’

‘I can promise you, we will not rest in our quest to find a new word that really sums up the flat, joyless, underwhelming by-the-numbers tedium of the season past,’ the professor concluded. ‘At the moment our best suggestion is ‘rosberg’.’