Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

McLaren – 50 years in F1

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, May 26th, 2016

The 1966 Monaco Grand Prix was McLaren’s very first Grand Prix. This weekend is the 2016 Monaco Grand Prix. You can probably work out the rest. Here are some of their most memorable moments from 50 years in the sport

1966: McLaren make their Formula 1 debut at the Monaco Grand Prix with a new car, called the M2B. The team also announces a sister car called the M4H which is much harder.

1968: Bruce McLaren secures McLaren’s first F1 championship win at the Belgian Grand Prix. He becomes the last person to win an F1 race in a car with their own name on the badge. Apart from the brief period in 1984 when Keke Rosberg got shitfaced and accidentally changed his name to Dave Williams-Honda.

1974: McLaren win their first F1 championship thanks to Emerson Fittipaldi and his famous (more…)

Rally report special – May 2016

Posted in Motorsport, News by Bob Bulhat on Wednesday, May 25th, 2016

Sniff Petrol rally correspondent BOB BULHAT reports on recent special stage action

Rallyreport516The race for the Global Euro Rally Championship title really hotted up this weekend as the series descended on the dusty landscape of the Coup de Soleil for the famous Rally d’Asthma.

Championship leader Harri-Barri Plattomattonnen set the early form in his RallyeMax Extreem Total Xiom Citroen DS3 GERC K2 but he quickly had former team mate Leppi Hjovolovonovonen in the Rapscilon Racing Castrol ExtremeSport Citroen C2 GWRX Max R3R hard on his tail, just nine minutes behind after some electrifying action in the first 27 stages.

However, on the challenging 28th stage in the Domaine du Dust disaster struck Hjovolovonovonen when a collision with a gatepost caused his car to roll over six times, losing him an agonising five hours as he and co-driver Bob Stott re-built the front suspension with their bare hands, dropping them down to third.

This allowed Bjorn-Benny Grohnobolpolonosson in the Mikelsson X-treim FlyingTurtle Shell T-Max Citroen Xsara WCRC Junior N2-L R to move up into second place, a position he cemented with a series of blistering performances on stages 30 to 57 in the Forest di Hypothermea, despite two punctures and an end-over-end roll into a gulley which saw Grohnobolpolonosson and co-driver Ken Stubbs forced to dismantle the entire engine with their teeth, costing them a valuable 19 hours.

Less fortunate was former world champion Gunnerston Matterplappersonnersonn who hasn’t driven in any rallies this season but is doing this one for some reason and who had managed to get his Onsport Maxrun Hatstand Badger Plinth List of Unconnected Words Citroen BX RRWC X4-K Evolution R3(2) up to a solid fourth place with brilliant drive on stages 61 to 106 across the fast sections of the Il Terra de la Grit only to misjudge the high speed entry to a narrow gap between a barn wall and a telegraph pole with a bale in front of it causing him to roll 27 times down the side of a valley and into a river. Matterplappersonnersonn did a brilliant job of completely re-designing and then re-building the car from scratch using only co-driver John Scott’s one un-broken finger but the delay cost the pair over 17 days, putting them down to fifth.

Ultimately, Plattomattonnen remained dominant throughout the remaining 236 stages, sealing his place as the man who gets to drive his car onto a strange raised platform with a banner over it in an over-lit car park at night. As we move towards the challenging Rallye di Drizzle in just five weeks’ time this victory puts him 3674 points ahead of his nearest championship rival so the title really does remain completely wide open.

Next race is definitely the race at which Ferrari will say they’ll win the next race

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, May 18th, 2016

Ferrari, yesterday

Ferrari, yesterday

Ferrari has announced that the next race will definitely be the race at which they announce that they’re going to win the next race.

‘Conditions at Monaco are perfect for claiming that we will secure victory at the following race,’ explained team spokesman Bula Sheeta. ‘We have been developing the car over the first five races which we said we could win and then didn’t, and we are now confident that we are in a good position to make a pointless and hollow announcement that will ultimate lead to humiliation. Again.’

Factory sources say Ferrari’s confidence is based on improvements in crucial areas such as aero, energy management and their massive sense of entitlement. ‘Keep watching because this noisy announcement that we are in a good place to win the next race won’t be the last,’ Mr Sheeta concluded. ‘We are sure to keep making these announcements just as certainly as we are sure not to actually win and then Mr Marchionne is sure to sack me.’

‘What? Who are you? Where am I?’ quipped Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday.

D.I. Blundell done report from the 2016 Spanish GP

Posted in D.I. Blundell, Motorsport, News by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, May 16th, 2016

DIBlundellnew‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 15 May I done proceed in a southerly direction to the Barcelona district of Catalonia what done be in Spain and done also not be in Spain, depending on who you done speak to.

Here, I done observe a silver Mercedes vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Mr Nico Rosberg of Germany and Finland and Monaco, what done be involved in an incident with another silver Mercedes vehicle drive by an IC3 male, one Mr Lewis Hamilton of Instagram.

I done observe this incident using what done be my eyes and it done seem to me that Mr Hamilton done be attempting a risky overtaking manoeuvre and Mr Rosberg done not be done observing the correct space what you done ought to be done giving to another road user and done cause Mr Hamilton to leave what done be, to be honest, the road what done then cause a loss of what done be, in fairness, control. Mr Hamilton’s vehicle done then collide with Mr Rosberg’s vehicle and both vehicles done then be suffering what done be damage.

In my view, this done be an important warning to all motorists on the importance of what done be three things. One, always use your mirrors to look for vehicles what done be approaching from behind. Two, done remember to apply your brakes if you think another motorist is about to do a collide with you. Three, don’t done be what is, in fairness, a silly, to be honest, twat.

Later on the same date I done receive reports of underage drinking in the podium region what done going to continue doing an investigate on.

Over and out.

Marko has his dog shot

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, May 6th, 2016

Helmut Marko, yesterday

Helmut Marko, yesterday

There was sad news in F1 this week as Dr Helmut Marko had his dog shot.

‘It’s a shame because the dog was very loyal and usually well behaved,’ explained a Red Bull insider. ‘In fact, just two weeks ago the dog saved some orphans from inside a burning building. But then it slightly growled when it saw a squirrel outside and Dr Marko had it shot.’

The dog will be replaced by a new, younger dog from Dr Marko’s Italian puppy farm which will be looked after by Christian Horner. ‘Christian is very excited to get the new dog,’ said a source. ‘And he doesn’t even mind the dog’s dad hanging around the garage in a bad leather jacket looking like a boozy scrap metal dealer.’

Vettel announces new kids’ book

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2016

fuckssakecoverPointy fingered, smiles-when-he’s-winning children’s entertainer Sebastian Vettel has announced a new bedtime story book for children, called Fuck’s Sake!

Fuck’s Sake! contains many kids’ classics including Mary Had A Fucking Little Lamb, Twinkle Twinkle Little Fucking Star and The Wheels On The Fucking Bus Get Hit Going Into Turn Fucking Three, Fuck!

‘The book is a delightful take on some pre-school classics,’ noted toddler expert Todd Lerex-Pjurt. ‘My personal favourite is The Three Fucking Pigs in which a wolf “huffs and puffs and oh for fuck’s sake, what the fuck are we doing here?”‘

‘This sounds fucking great!’ said Niki Lauda, yesterday.

Is it too late for Lewis Hamilton?

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 28th, 2016

hamquestionAs we approach the fourth race of the 2016 Formula 1 season, all eyes are on the front-running Mercedes duo. Nico Rosberg has taken victory in the first three races of the season and, statistically speaking, that makes him assured of the title, as does his obvious ease with the car and his burning desire to make up for past seasons when championship victory eluded him. But what does this mean for Lewis Hamilton? He has the same car, he has the same team, he has the same opportunities yet bad luck has haunted him and now the odds seemed stacked in favour of his team mate. Can the British driver, a triple F1 world champion, claw it back and seal his fourth title or is it now in Rosberg’s hands for the taking? Sniff Petrol has spoken to F1 pundits, to analysts, to engineers, to statisticians and to you, the fans, and from this we have built up the most comprehensive picture possible to answer once and for all, with absolute certainty, the question that consumes motorsport at the moment: Can Lewis Hamilton still win the 2016 F1 world championship?

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7 things Nico Rosberg struggles to get out of

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, April 22nd, 2016

Nico Rosberg repeatedly struggles to get out of an F1 car, despite being an actual F1 driver. But did you know, his Mercedes isn’t the only thing he makes a mess of exiting. Here are some other things Rosberg struggles to get out of;

rosbergbigface2. Unsolicited PPI calls

b. Lakes

x. Headlocks

7. Nando’s

vii. Most kinds of trouser

99. Stilted conversations with the security man who works on reception at night

y+q. Parking spaces where he thinks there might be a bollard behind his car but he’s not sure

z. The mailing list for Gwyneth Paltrow’s website, Goop, which he doesn’t remember signing up for in the first place

0. That Christening for the kid of someone he barely speaks to any more and which clashes with the Malaysian Grand Prix but which he accidentally said yes to about four months ago without first checking his diary

1. Google alerts for ‘Lewis Hamilton sunglasses’

D.I. Blundell done report from the 2016 Chinese GP

Posted in D.I. Blundell, Motorsport, News by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, April 18th, 2016

DIBlundellnew‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 18 April I done proceed in an easterly direction to the Chinese Grand Prix of China in the Chinesey region of China.

Here I done observe an incident between a red Ferrari vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Sebastian Vettel from the Germany region of Germany, and a blue not-Renault powered vehicle what done be driven by another IC1 male, namely one Daniil Kvyat from the Russia region of Russia.

I done notice that Mr Kvyat done be travelling at a reasonable speed for what done be, in fairness, a race. He done then attempt to done do insert his vehicle into a gap what done appear to be wide enough for what is, to be fair, his car.

Mr Vettel done then done be thinking that there done be about to be a collision and done do take what done be an action what done be, in fairness, evasive. This done cause him to collide with another red Ferrari vehicle driven by an IC1 male what done be a Mr Kimi Raikkonen from the bar region of the hotel. This done cause what done be, to be honest, damage.

I done note that Mr Vettel done later confront Mr Kvyat about this incident and he done do express that he don’t done be happy about what done have done, in fairness happened, in a manner what I done observe to be a bit, in fairness, moany.

I done conclude that this done be a lesson to all motorists to done consider what done be their options with a grievance of this nature. These done be as follows: 1) Pursue grievances of any nature through what done be the proper channels. B) Man up and stop done be whining on like what done be a big baby. Over and out.

 

 

Alonso has a note from his mum

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 13th, 2016

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Fernando Alonso will not drive in this weekend’s Chinese Grand Prix after McLaren sources admitted he has ‘a note from his mum’.

‘We received an envelope yesterday from Mrs Alonso,’ revealed a team insider. ‘It said her Fernando still had a hurty chest and was to be excused from games.’

‘Fernando is delighted with the result from his mum after he spent all that time doing a pathetic little cough every time she walked into the room,’ claimed an anonymous source close to the Spanish driver. ‘It is only right he is let off from the Chinese Grand Prix and he definitely isn’t doing it just to get out of driving that shitty car and he definitely hasn’t already planned a barbecue at home this weekend.’

‘Oh no, I seem to be holding a brick,’ said Jenson Button today. ‘Wouldn’t it be a shame if I totally accidentally dropped it on my foot and shit.’