Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Caterham dispute escalates

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, October 24th, 2014

Caterham, yesterday

Caterham, yesterday

A war of words has broken out this week between the new and former owners of the beleaguered Caterham F1 team.

New buyers Engavest SA released a statement yesterday in which they said, ‘Oh my God, right, Tony Fernandes, right, he’s, like, such a liar and stuff. Has he been chattin’ about us, yea? Don’t believe what he say, right, cos Joanne, right, she heard that he was, like, slagging us off and shit at Shania Jackson’s party, right, and that’s just, like, so disrespectful, cuz he said we ain’t done things and we ain’t ain’t done them things, innit. Know wha’ I mean?’

For his part, Fernandes was quick to respond. ‘Oh my God, that is like so rude,’ he said in an official statement last night. ‘Engavest like totally owes me cash, yea? And they been, like, round at Kelly’s mum’s house saying I ain’t give ‘em nothing and that might be true, yea, but that is SO unfair cuz they still owes me for the team and the stuff and I like totally bought them a bottle of WKD from the offie before Jamie Preston’s party and they like never paid me back and shit.’

The argument resumes today, probably on the bench outside the chip shop.

Sam Michael to leave McLaren

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, October 23rd, 2014

Sam Michael, yesterday

Sam Michael, yesterday

McLaren has announced that Sam Michael is to step down as sporting director at the end of the season because the team is now ‘more than crap enough’.

‘Before we brought Sam on board we were dangerously close to winning world championships,’ admitted a Woking insider. ‘Thankfully, with his experience of making Williams completely rubbish, we were able to become the disappointing team we are today with a level of mediocrity we could only get from Sam. Or perhaps a Peugeot engine.’

‘We are delighted with the soul-crushing dismalness we have achieved and that’s why it’s the right time for Sam to leave his role as sporking director,’ explained another high ranking source. ‘Of course, we are aware of what happened at Williams after Sam left. They became quite good. But hopefully our new Honda engine won’t work properly and we’ll be able to maintain this level of depressingly poor performance in his absence.’

‘We are sorry to see Sam Michael leave his role as spurting director,’ said an official McLaren statement. ‘In particular, team personnel will miss their regular games of trying to guess what the fuck he actually does around here’.

Rally update

Posted in Motorsport, News by Bob Bulhat on Wednesday, October 22nd, 2014

An rally car, yesterday

An rally car, yesterday

Sniff Petrol rallying correspondent BOB BULHAT brings us up to date with all the latest special stage action

Last weekend the Junior Global Rally World Championship Rally Formula 2 Series action moved to the legendary forest stages of Scandinavia for the infamous 18 Fjords Rally of Norway and all eyes were on championship leader Marcus Stromenekelsson who was once again looking to take top spot in his VW Jetta JGRWCR F2 R.

Stromenekelsson made a strong start on the first 12 stages but by stage 13, taking place in the challenging Tromjspellellielli Forest, he was feeling the heat from championship rival Juni Spjunkhatterplatten in the ever-improving Peugeot 108 Juniormax GRWCRF2 S-plus who was breathing down his neck, just 10 minutes behind.

As if that wasn’t thrilling enough, from stages 15 to 27 local hero Lars-Tjorben Majerfatterplotterploppen in third spot managed to close the gap to an incredible 17 minutes before misjudging the jump on the penultimate hairpin and rolling end-over-end down a mountainside. As a result, his Renault Clio JuGloWoCha F2-R RS Evolution 3 S needed completely rebuilding from scratch whilst Majerfatterplotterploppen and his co-driver Knut Holvenovenovenovenovenoven required an overnight stay in hospital, knocking them back to fourth place.

Their misfortune was to the benefit of the Kia Rio Global World Rally F2 Junior R-spec R S-Series R driven by former Rally World Series Championship Rally World Rally Junior Senior Formula 9 champion Harry-Barry Skaerjerfjordenbjurgebordenalltrainsterminateatmorden who moved up to third despite an enormous accident on stage 46 in which his car tumbled two miles down a mountain side, caught fire and was then buried under an avalanche, losing him a nail biting two days. Nonetheless, the Swedish driver was able to put in a sensational drive on the muddy final stages of the Snasvurtersputern-Mortenharket Valley and was able to proudly stand in third spot on the overlit, night time floor level podium in the town square of Vatnathatbatcatsatratpatstraterhjo.

It remains to be seen if the top three can maintain their searing pace when the action moves to the arid landscape and 900 stages of the legendary Rally du Dust in just eight weeks’ time.

Hulkenberg signs unusual Force India contract

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, October 21st, 2014

Nico Hulkenberg, yesterday

Nico Hulkenberg, yesterday

This week Force India announced that they are keeping Nico ‘The Under-rated Hulk’ Hulkenberg in their driver line-up for 2015. However, Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal that the new contract comes with some additional terms and conditions, as follows:

- Must change name to ‘NicoForce HulkenIndia’

- Must sponge down Vijay Mallya at least once a week. More frequently if there is particularly high build-up in the folds.

- Must attempt to gain psychological advantage by running into the motorhome of at least one rival team during every race weekend, shouting ‘FORCEINDIA’ and then running off again.

- Must endorse some of Vijay Mallya’s other companies via a TV ad in which he eats a bowl of chemicals, and looks like he’s enjoying it.

- Must have TW Steel watch implanted into chest, ‘like Ironman’.

- Must take blame for Vijay Mallya’s thunderous flatulence at all times. If during a race, must radio into pits and clearly state, ‘Sorry guys, the car just made a terrible noise. And smell.’

- Must circumvent alcohol advertising rules by sitting  in all press conferences holding an actual kingfisher which he must refer to throughout as ‘refreshing’.

- Must not moan about how he ‘could have gone to Ferrari’.

Massa loses focus

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, October 20th, 2014

The Williams drivers, yesterday

The Williams drivers, yesterday

There was concern at Williams today with news that Felipe Massa has gone a bit blurry. ‘Felipe has basically lost focus,’ a team insider admitted. ‘And I mean, literally.’

Insiders say the Brazilian driver has gradually been getting ‘a bit fuzzy around the edges’ for the past few races and that by the time the team arrived in Russia he was ‘almost impossible to look at without getting a headache’.

Massa’s literal lack of focus is said to be having dire consequences for his ability to perform promotional duties, not least because he is now almost completely impossible to photograph.

It’s thought that unless Massa can get back into focus, Martin Brundle will not speak to him during the next Sky F1 grid walk because he will make viewers think there is something wrong with their televisions whilst over on the BBC, David Coulthard will also avoid talking to him but only because he is too polite to interrupt drivers while they are holding a water bottle, or wearing sunglasses, or breathing.

‘Oh never mind all that,’ said the team’s deputy principal Claire Williams. ‘Who wants some cake?’

Caterham puts Kobayashi on eBay

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, October 16th, 2014

That eBay listing, yesterday

That eBay listing, yesterday

There was concern for cash-strapped Caterham today as the team was spotted trying to sell Kamui Kobayashi on eBay.

The driver is listed as a ‘Japanese import’ and ‘not Inoue, Katayama, Ide etc’. The sale includes ‘helmet, 2x race suits, 10x branded baseball cap, 1x cheeky smile’. He is said to be in ‘good condition’ but ‘without box, box, box’.

According to Caterham’s listing, Kobayashi ‘performs well’ although under bad points they do warn that he can be ‘occasionally erratic’. On the plus side, he is said to be ‘fully house trained’ and ‘generally gets on well with other drivers’.

In a reverse charges call from their Oxfordshire base, a Caterham spokesman insisted to Sniff Petrol that all was well at the team, despite their efforts to flog one of their drivers on the internet. ‘The eBay sale is perfectly routine,’ he insisted. ‘From time to time we like to have a clear out of items with some value and Kamui happens to be one of those. Now you’ll have to excuse me, my three o’clock client is here.’

Kobayashi is not the first F1 star to be sold over the internet.  At the beginning of this year Lotus bought Pastor Maldonado off Gumtree thinking they were getting someone good.

Alonso’s options for 2015

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, October 15th, 2014

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

According to F1 gossip, Fernando Alonso is faced with a dilemma for next season. Here are the pros and cons of his three options for 2015. 

Stay at Ferrari
Pros: Would really annoy Sebastian Vettel. Has finally found quiet lavatory at factory in which to have morning dump. Team already flexible about taking time off to have eyebrow partitioned.
Cons: Still can’t remember anyone’s name. Had been looking forward to betraying them this year. Can’t understand a word the other one is saying.

Move to McLaren
Pros: State-of-the-art eyebrow partitioning facility. Has already betrayed them once so wouldn’t be expecting it a second time.
Cons: Hates being made to take shoes off before entering factory. Can’t stay at Woking branch of Premier Inn after what happened last time with mini kettle. Inherent mistrust of the Danish.

Take year off, go to Mercedes in 2016
Pros: Get to spend more time partitioning eyebrow. 12 months off from Felipe Massa endlessly asking if they’re still friends. Cycling thing.
Cons: Will spend year worrying about loss of Air Miles. Eyebrow doesn’t go well with silver. Might get bored of not being able to betray anyone and accidentally betray self.

Button looking for other work

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, October 14th, 2014

Jenson Button, yesterday

Jenson Button, yesterday

Hopes that Jenson Button would remain in F1 next year are fading fast after the British driver was spotted coming out of a recruitment agency in Frome wearing a borrowed suit.

‘Obviously we can’t discuss specific clients in detail,’ said agency owner Peter Scumm afterwards. ‘However, companies in this area should know we have just signed up a very employable local man who would be ideal for a firm needing a proven finisher. Often in eighth place, but a finisher nonetheless.’

‘This young man was just a shave away from looking very presentable and he had an excellent CV,’ Mr Scumm continued. ‘It clearly presented his achievements such as ‘completed ironman contest’, ‘attractive girlfriend’ and ‘2009 Formula 1 World Champion’, and it concisely listed his personal attributes such as ‘smoothness’, ‘pace’, ‘slightly phlegmy voice’ and ‘gets a bit panicky when things don’t go right’. We should have no trouble at all finding him casual admin work at a shipping company or charterer surveyor’s office.’

Mr Scumm admitted that this is not the first time someone with a motorsport background had signed up with his agency. ‘There’s a chap who comes in here at the end of every F1 season and says he’ll probably need work soon,’ Scumm confided. ‘Then to everyone’s amazement he rings back and says actually he’s managed to stick with his current job even though he’s pretty hopeless at it. I forget his name. Felipe something or other…’

Mercedes loses constructors’ title

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, October 13th, 2014

Toto Wolff, yesterday

Toto Wolff, yesterday

There was embarrassment in Brackley today as Mercedes admitted that Toto Wolff has left their constructors’ world championship in the back of a taxi.

‘Everyone wanted to celebrate last night and things got a little out of hand,’ a team insider admitted. ‘As soon as Toto realised he’d left the constructors’ world championship in the back of a cab, he immediately demanded a stranger’s clothes, boots, and motorcycle and went to look for it.’

The biggest concern for Mercedes is that another team finds the constructors’ world championship and refuses to give it back. ‘We have to find the constructors’ world championship,’ one senior source insisted. ‘Otherwise someone who doesn’t deserve it might claim it, such as Ferrari. Or Red Bull.’

‘Fuck shit piss fuck,’ said Merc non-executive chairman Niki Lauda. ‘Cocking knobflaps,’ he added, after being told not to swear.

Questions remain about how the Wolff and his team could have been led so far astray as to lose the constructors’ world championship. The bar where Mercedes celebrated gave one possible explanation as they confirmed that a man was seen entering the building matching the description of Kimi Raikkonen.

McLaren apologises to drivers

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, October 13th, 2014

A McLaren, yesterday [picture editor to my office please]

A McLaren, yesterday
[picture editor to my office please]

Following this weekend’s Russian Grand Prix, McLaren has apologised to drivers Jenson Button and Ken Magnussen for the amount of pace their car displayed.

‘We have launched an immediate investigation into what on earth went on in Sochi,’ said a team insider. ‘The car was going ridiculously fast in a straight line and flying around corners like a maniac. We don’t know how it happened but it’s simply not acceptable.’

The team is said to be particularly concerned that this sudden increase in pace saw Button briefly occupying third place during the race. ‘My God, what if he’d have ended up on the poddyerm. Is that how it’s pronounced? No on here seems to know,’ our mole continued. ‘I mean, he could have been hit in the face by a flying cork or slipped on some spilt Champagne. That’s not a situation we want to put our drivers in, and thankfully we usually don’t.’

Our man says the team shifted to a new strategy to ensure Button moved down the field and the crew was fully prepared to perform a special ‘clown spec’ pit stop of the sort it used to give Lewis Hamilton in 2012, though in the end this wasn’t necessary.

‘Thankfully Jenson managed to get to the safety of fourth,’ our insider explained. ‘I mean, it’s not the eighth he’d usually aim for but we’re happy with the result, given the failings of a car that was obviously too fast.’

Our source revealed that Ron Dennis has called an urgent ‘situational assessment and parameter realignment assembly’ in the McLaren Technology Centre’s ‘human collective interface facilitation chamber’. ‘It’s happening on Tuesday morning,’ admitted our man. ‘So we’ve got 24 hours to work out what at least some of those words mean.’