Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Hulkenberg signs unusual Force India contract

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, October 21st, 2014

Nico Hulkenberg, yesterday

Nico Hulkenberg, yesterday

This week Force India announced that they are keeping Nico ‘The Under-rated Hulk’ Hulkenberg in their driver line-up for 2015. However, Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal that the new contract comes with some additional terms and conditions, as follows:

- Must change name to ‘NicoForce HulkenIndia’

- Must sponge down Vijay Mallya at least once a week. More frequently if there is particularly high build-up in the folds.

- Must attempt to gain psychological advantage by running into the motorhome of at least one rival team during every race weekend, shouting ‘FORCEINDIA’ and then running off again.

- Must endorse some of Vijay Mallya’s other companies via a TV ad in which he eats a bowl of chemicals, and looks like he’s enjoying it.

- Must have TW Steel watch implanted into chest, ‘like Ironman’.

- Must take blame for Vijay Mallya’s thunderous flatulence at all times. If during a race, must radio into pits and clearly state, ‘Sorry guys, the car just made a terrible noise. And smell.’

- Must circumvent alcohol advertising rules by sitting  in all press conferences holding an actual kingfisher which he must refer to throughout as ‘refreshing’.

- Must not moan about how he ‘could have gone to Ferrari’.

Massa loses focus

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, October 20th, 2014

The Williams drivers, yesterday

The Williams drivers, yesterday

There was concern at Williams today with news that Felipe Massa has gone a bit blurry. ‘Felipe has basically lost focus,’ a team insider admitted. ‘And I mean, literally.’

Insiders say the Brazilian driver has gradually been getting ‘a bit fuzzy around the edges’ for the past few races and that by the time the team arrived in Russia he was ‘almost impossible to look at without getting a headache’.

Massa’s literal lack of focus is said to be having dire consequences for his ability to perform promotional duties, not least because he is now almost completely impossible to photograph.

It’s thought that unless Massa can get back into focus, Martin Brundle will not speak to him during the next Sky F1 grid walk because he will make viewers think there is something wrong with their televisions whilst over on the BBC, David Coulthard will also avoid talking to him but only because he is too polite to interrupt drivers while they are holding a water bottle, or wearing sunglasses, or breathing.

‘Oh never mind all that,’ said the team’s deputy principal Claire Williams. ‘Who wants some cake?’

Caterham puts Kobayashi on eBay

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, October 16th, 2014

That eBay listing, yesterday

That eBay listing, yesterday

There was concern for cash-strapped Caterham today as the team was spotted trying to sell Kamui Kobayashi on eBay.

The driver is listed as a ‘Japanese import’ and ‘not Inoue, Katayama, Ide etc’. The sale includes ‘helmet, 2x race suits, 10x branded baseball cap, 1x cheeky smile’. He is said to be in ‘good condition’ but ‘without box, box, box’.

According to Caterham’s listing, Kobayashi ‘performs well’ although under bad points they do warn that he can be ‘occasionally erratic’. On the plus side, he is said to be ‘fully house trained’ and ‘generally gets on well with other drivers’.

In a reverse charges call from their Oxfordshire base, a Caterham spokesman insisted to Sniff Petrol that all was well at the team, despite their efforts to flog one of their drivers on the internet. ‘The eBay sale is perfectly routine,’ he insisted. ‘From time to time we like to have a clear out of items with some value and Kamui happens to be one of those. Now you’ll have to excuse me, my three o’clock client is here.’

Kobayashi is not the first F1 star to be sold over the internet.  At the beginning of this year Lotus bought Pastor Maldonado off Gumtree thinking they were getting someone good.

Alonso’s options for 2015

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, October 15th, 2014

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

According to F1 gossip, Fernando Alonso is faced with a dilemma for next season. Here are the pros and cons of his three options for 2015. 

Stay at Ferrari
Pros: Would really annoy Sebastian Vettel. Has finally found quiet lavatory at factory in which to have morning dump. Team already flexible about taking time off to have eyebrow partitioned.
Cons: Still can’t remember anyone’s name. Had been looking forward to betraying them this year. Can’t understand a word the other one is saying.

Move to McLaren
Pros: State-of-the-art eyebrow partitioning facility. Has already betrayed them once so wouldn’t be expecting it a second time.
Cons: Hates being made to take shoes off before entering factory. Can’t stay at Woking branch of Premier Inn after what happened last time with mini kettle. Inherent mistrust of the Danish.

Take year off, go to Mercedes in 2016
Pros: Get to spend more time partitioning eyebrow. 12 months off from Felipe Massa endlessly asking if they’re still friends. Cycling thing.
Cons: Will spend year worrying about loss of Air Miles. Eyebrow doesn’t go well with silver. Might get bored of not being able to betray anyone and accidentally betray self.

Button looking for other work

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, October 14th, 2014

Jenson Button, yesterday

Jenson Button, yesterday

Hopes that Jenson Button would remain in F1 next year are fading fast after the British driver was spotted coming out of a recruitment agency in Frome wearing a borrowed suit.

‘Obviously we can’t discuss specific clients in detail,’ said agency owner Peter Scumm afterwards. ‘However, companies in this area should know we have just signed up a very employable local man who would be ideal for a firm needing a proven finisher. Often in eighth place, but a finisher nonetheless.’

‘This young man was just a shave away from looking very presentable and he had an excellent CV,’ Mr Scumm continued. ‘It clearly presented his achievements such as ‘completed ironman contest’, ‘attractive girlfriend’ and ‘2009 Formula 1 World Champion’, and it concisely listed his personal attributes such as ‘smoothness’, ‘pace’, ‘slightly phlegmy voice’ and ‘gets a bit panicky when things don’t go right’. We should have no trouble at all finding him casual admin work at a shipping company or charterer surveyor’s office.’

Mr Scumm admitted that this is not the first time someone with a motorsport background had signed up with his agency. ‘There’s a chap who comes in here at the end of every F1 season and says he’ll probably need work soon,’ Scumm confided. ‘Then to everyone’s amazement he rings back and says actually he’s managed to stick with his current job even though he’s pretty hopeless at it. I forget his name. Felipe something or other…’

Mercedes loses constructors’ title

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, October 13th, 2014

Toto Wolff, yesterday

Toto Wolff, yesterday

There was embarrassment in Brackley today as Mercedes admitted that Toto Wolff has left their constructors’ world championship in the back of a taxi.

‘Everyone wanted to celebrate last night and things got a little out of hand,’ a team insider admitted. ‘As soon as Toto realised he’d left the constructors’ world championship in the back of a cab, he immediately demanded a stranger’s clothes, boots, and motorcycle and went to look for it.’

The biggest concern for Mercedes is that another team finds the constructors’ world championship and refuses to give it back. ‘We have to find the constructors’ world championship,’ one senior source insisted. ‘Otherwise someone who doesn’t deserve it might claim it, such as Ferrari. Or Red Bull.’

‘Fuck shit piss fuck,’ said Merc non-executive chairman Niki Lauda. ‘Cocking knobflaps,’ he added, after being told not to swear.

Questions remain about how the Wolff and his team could have been led so far astray as to lose the constructors’ world championship. The bar where Mercedes celebrated gave one possible explanation as they confirmed that a man was seen entering the building matching the description of Kimi Raikkonen.

McLaren apologises to drivers

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, October 13th, 2014

A McLaren, yesterday [picture editor to my office please]

A McLaren, yesterday
[picture editor to my office please]

Following this weekend’s Russian Grand Prix, McLaren has apologised to drivers Jenson Button and Ken Magnussen for the amount of pace their car displayed.

‘We have launched an immediate investigation into what on earth went on in Sochi,’ said a team insider. ‘The car was going ridiculously fast in a straight line and flying around corners like a maniac. We don’t know how it happened but it’s simply not acceptable.’

The team is said to be particularly concerned that this sudden increase in pace saw Button briefly occupying third place during the race. ‘My God, what if he’d have ended up on the poddyerm. Is that how it’s pronounced? No on here seems to know,’ our mole continued. ‘I mean, he could have been hit in the face by a flying cork or slipped on some spilt Champagne. That’s not a situation we want to put our drivers in, and thankfully we usually don’t.’

Our man says the team shifted to a new strategy to ensure Button moved down the field and the crew was fully prepared to perform a special ‘clown spec’ pit stop of the sort it used to give Lewis Hamilton in 2012, though in the end this wasn’t necessary.

‘Thankfully Jenson managed to get to the safety of fourth,’ our insider explained. ‘I mean, it’s not the eighth he’d usually aim for but we’re happy with the result, given the failings of a car that was obviously too fast.’

Our source revealed that Ron Dennis has called an urgent ‘situational assessment and parameter realignment assembly’ in the McLaren Technology Centre’s ‘human collective interface facilitation chamber’. ‘It’s happening on Tuesday morning,’ admitted our man. ‘So we’ve got 24 hours to work out what at least some of those words mean.’

No one to use Renault engines next year

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, October 10th, 2014

A Renault F1 engine, yesterday

A Renault F1 engine, yesterday

With Lotus announcing a switch to Mercedes engines for 2015, Renault has confirmed that the number of teams using its V6s next year will be zero.

‘Lotus will go to Mercedes, Red Bull are secretly working on their own engine, everyone else is talking to Mercedes and Ferrari and Honda,’ a Renault spokesman confirmed. ‘Basically, no one want our engine because she is, ‘ow you say, shit.’

The news will come as a blow to the French company which has spent a great deal of time developing its 2015 F1 engine and is already confident it will boast its trademark ‘slightly disappointing amount of power’.

Sources in France say that, faced with this lack of demand, Renault may resort to turning up at each race in an unmarked van and hanging around outside the paddock looking shifty and offering cheap replacement engines to anyone who needs one. ‘Exceeded your four engines per season?’ said an insider. ‘Come and see me, Honest Cyril, and I will, ‘ow you say, sort you out.’

Nonetheless, one source in France say the lack of any official supply agreement will leave Renault with a ‘sodding massive stack’ of unwanted V6  hybrid powertrains.

In possibly-related news, Renault’s road car division has hinted that next year it will announce a limited edition version of the new Twingo which will boast ‘really quite a lot of performance’.

 

 

Putin to win Russian GP

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, October 9th, 2014

President Putin, yesterday

President Putin, yesterday

There was surprise in Sochi today as Russia announced that President Vladimir Putin is to enter and win this weekend’s Grand Prix.

The stoat-faced psycho is expected to take part in the race using his own specially constructed Putintron Puthousand car fitted with a 9-litre V12 engine and tyres made from those who have disagreed with him.

‘The West needs to realise what a talented, handsome and substantially genitalled man the President is,’ said a spokesman. ‘He is a skilled cook, artist, skydiver, poet, glass blower, acrobat, horse analyst, airship pilot, pastry chef, hovercraft operative and street mime. Now the entire world will see he is also number one race driver of all time.’

‘The other drivers will easily move out of the way for the President,’ our source continued. ‘First, because they will recognise his superior skill. And second, because they will want to see their families again.’

To the surprise of many in the paddock, Putin’s aim to take victory in his very first F1 race has met with no resistance from the sport’s organisers. ‘Bernie does not mind. We understand each other,’ Mr Putin is quoted as saying in an interview with Russian television. ‘After all, where do you think I got the idea for my leadership style?’

 

 

Everyone gets Ferrari drive

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, October 6th, 2014

The Ferrari F4RT, yesterday

The Ferrari F4RT, yesterday

With Sebastian Vettel expected to reveal his move to Ferrari at any moment, Fernando Alonso has shocked F1 followers by announcing that he is to stay at the Italian team for 2015 to race alongside the German driver, and also Kimi Raikkonen who simply cannot be bothered to get out of the car.

Matters are further complicated by news that Lewis Hamilton is preparing to renege on his contract with Mercedes and will also join Ferrari for 2015. ‘Every driver secretly wants to race for a certain Italian team,’ the Briton said this weekend. ‘And I don’t mean Andrea Moda.’

As if that wasn’t enough, factory sources say boss Sergio Marchionne believes only someone of Italian descent can raise morale at the team and has personally bought Daniel Ricciardo out of his Red Bull contract so that he too can race for the Modenese team next season.

Ricciardo will be joined by surprise signings Sergio Perez and Esteban Gutierrez, both hired in secret by Marco Mattiacci because he ‘really likes Mexican food’, and shock recruit Luca Badoer who was accidentally promised ‘one more go’ at F1 racing in a drunken but legally watertight agreement with outgoing Ferrari boss Luca di Montezemolo.

In unrelated news, Ferrari has said it ‘does not oppose’ the suggested move to three car teams and would be ‘very happy’ if this was expanded to ’10 or maybe even 12 cars each.’