Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Those Raikkonen marriage vows

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, August 9th, 2016

Last weekend Kimi Raikkonen married model Minttu Virtanen in a private ceremony in Italy. Here, Sniff Petrol can exclusively share a transcript of the ceremony. 

Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday

Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday

Priest: Minttu, will you take Kimi to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

Kimi: Yea, yea, yea, she doing all that already.

Priest: And Kimi, will you take Minttu to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

Kimi: Sure, whatever.

Priest: Therefore, in the presence of God and in front of this congregation I proclaim you husband and wife. You may now kiss.

Kimi: Leave us alone, we know what we’re doing.

New car handling characteristic identified

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, August 1st, 2016

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Alongside the familiar traits of understeer and oversteer, car dynamics experts have this week identified a new handling characteristic known as ‘Nicosteer’.

Nicosteer occurs when a car follows a wider than expected arc into a given corner as a result of the driver failing to turn the wheel enough and then pretending that he had a problem even though he didn’t.

‘In scientific terms, Nicosteer can be expressed as X = A + B ,’ explained car handling professor, Carl-Hans Dligprofeser. ‘Where X equals vehicle trajectory, A equals corner radius and B equals how much the driver is being a prick again.’

Road safety campaigners are urging motorists to be aware of situations that can cause Nicosteer, such as pissing away a commanding championship lead, being the kind of choker who gets caught out by wheelspin, and having too many passports.

‘I’ll certainly be looking out for the warning signs of Nicosteer,’ said F1 runner up Nico Rosberg. ‘And if it happens, I’ll be certain to lift off very slightly.’

F1 agrees 2017 safety measures

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 29th, 2016

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

The F1 strategy group has voted against the halo protection system for 2017 in favour of a new safety strategy based on telling the drivers to ‘be careful’.

‘The group unanimously decided to continue evaluating protection systems such as halo,’ said a spokesman. ‘But in the meantime, we believe there is great merit in just telling the drivers to drive safely please.’

‘For 2017, F1 will introduce something called the New Safety System,’ the spokesman continued. ‘Which is a small pamphlet containing phrases such as “slow a down a bit”, “woah, steady on” and “careful now”. We believe this will have a far reaching effect, without the need to strap a massive flip-flop to the top of the car.’

‘I certainly will be paying attention to this advice,’ said Nico Rosberg. ‘While also ignoring it, obviously,’ he added, lifting off very slightly.

Rosberg signs for two more years of disappointment

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 22nd, 2016

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

There was good news for fans of moaning and missed opportunities today as Nico Rosberg signed to Mercedes for another two years.

‘Nico is delighted to secure a new Mercedes contract,’ said a spokesman for the Monafinnman driver. ‘And he is confident the team will continue to give him the car he needs in order to choke under pressure and not quite win another world championship.’

‘Of course, this is about more than the car, it is also about the team mate,’ continued the spokesman. ‘And Nico believes that in Lewis Hamilton he has someone he knows he can try to fuck with by being eerily calm, someone he can get really whiny about when things don’t go his way, and someone who can ultimately hand his arse to him, again.’

Rosberg’s new contract takes him to until the end of 2018, by which time he hopes to be able to get out of an F1 car without getting all tangled in the wires and tubes like a competition winner on a single-seater track day.

Sauber sold to some Swisses

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 21st, 2016

Peter Sauber, yesterday

Peter Sauber, yesterday

There was good news for Sauber this week as the struggling Swiss operation was bought up by a finance company which promises to ‘make the team completely adequate again’.

‘For too long Sauber has been sort of around the back of the midfield,’ admitted a spokesman for new owners, Cashmoney S.A. or something. ‘That’s not where they should be. They should be in the middle of the midfield. And sometimes even at the front. Of the midfield, I mean. Not the actual race, obviously.’

However, Sauber’s new paymasters insist that they are not intending to rebuild the team from scratch. ‘We have to respect the team’s traditions,’ insisted an insider at Minted Industries or whatever they’re called. ‘Traditions such as painting the car so it looks like a something from a shit GP2 team or continuing to give work to Marcus Ericsson even though no one is quite sure if he’s any good or not and is starting to think perhaps not.’

However, Sauber’s sale to Completely Aboveboard Inc. is bad news for Peter Sauber himself who has decided to be sacked by his eponymous company, though he is able to lease his own name back to them at $3.50 a letter or $18 the set.

Rosberg docked point for points position

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 12th, 2016

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

There was more bad news for Nico Rosberg today as the Mona-Germo-Finlandic driver was docked one championship point as punishment for only being one championship point ahead of Lewis Hamilton.

‘The regulations on this are pretty clear,’ explained rule adjudicator Rula Judicator. ‘Specifically, article 49.6 which states that ‘no driver must choke under pressure with a sizeable championship lead and piss it all away’.’

Rosberg’s punishment is one of the most unusual in F1 since the mid-‘90s when Damon Hill was docked points for looking like he wasn’t really enjoying this and was just doing it because he had to.

‘We hereby give notice of our intention to appeal this decision,’ said a Mercedes spokesman. ‘No, wait, we hereby give notice of our intention to give notice of intention to withdraw our notice of intention. Erm…’

Furious Massa in Austrian race rage incident

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 7th, 2016

Felipe Massa, yesterday

Felipe Massa, yesterday

Earlier this week Niki Lauda claimed Lewis Hamilton had ‘destroyed’ a room in Mercedes hospitality after poor qualifying at the European Grand Prix. Now Williams sources are reporting a similar incident at the Austrian race in which a furious Felipe Massa pushed a bag of crisps onto the floor.

‘I’ve never seen anything like it,’ said an onlooker. ‘Someone had obviously just told Felipe they needed to change his wing and he’d have to start the race from the pit. Next thing you know, he came walking quite briskly into the hospitality suite. He didn’t say anything, he just walked over to the table and pushed a packet of crisps off the table and onto the floor.’

‘I can’t say how much damage was done but I’d estimate that at least one or two of the crisps inside were probably a bit broken,’ our source continued. ‘And it’s just not the sort of thing you’d do if you were thinking straight because these are special F1 crisps and the whole packet is worth upwards of 80 to 90 pence.’

Witnesses say the sound of the packet of crisps hitting the floor caused such a noise that up to one person might have turned round to see what was happening. ‘After the crisps hit the ground it was incredible,’ our spy explained. ‘Felipe stood there for a second then he said ‘sorry’, picked up the crisps and put them back on the table. After that he went and sat quietly in the corner having a big drink of water and signing some promotional merchandise. He seemed to calm down, but I’m pretty sure he was already regretting pushing those crisps off quite a low table like a maniac.’

Mercedes announces A-class Rosberg Edition

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 4th, 2016

The Mercedes A45 AMG Nico Rosberg Edition, yesterday

The Mercedes A45 AMG Nico Rosberg Edition, yesterday

Mercedes has announced a special ‘Nico Rosberg’ edition of its A45 AMG hot hatchback which boasts a number of bespoke features including a unique ‘brake fault’ that provides the driver with the perfect excuse for acting like a bellend.

Sources in Stuttgart say the A45 Nico Rosberg Edition is specifically tuned for manoeuvres such as failing to take a corner properly, twatting into another motorist and other situations in which the driver deliberately doesn’t use enough steering lock like a silly tit.

In the event of an accident, the A45 Nico Rosberg Edition comes with a comprehensive recovery package which entitles the owner to a full diagnostic check, after which the dealer will tell them there is a ‘brake fault’ even though that doesn’t really tally with the dick move that got them into trouble in the first place.

On top of the made up brake problems and inadequate steering lock, each Nico Rosberg Edition A-class is registered in three different countries and designed to emit a regular whining sound.

Raikkonen unsure he’ll be staying at whichever team this is

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 1st, 2016

Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday

Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday

Kimi Raikkonen has admitted that he may not remain at whoever these guys are beyond the end of what year is this?

Speaking to close friends, the Finnish driver is said to have admitted that there’s ‘some boss guy’ who isn’t happy with him and it ‘maybe that guy, you know, with the jumper, I don’t remember’. He went on to note that ‘there’s this other guy, you know, beardy guy. He’s pissed off, maybe. I dunno. He said something the other day, but I wasn’t listening.’

Raikkonen’s perilous situation at that team he’s pretty sure he drives for is only made worse by the performance of, in the driver’s own words, ‘that other guy, you know, smiley face, I don’t know his name, yea, him, annoying guy, teacher’s pet.’

With the growing risk that Raikkonen loses his seat at ‘I think the car is red, I don’t know where the factory is, someone takes me there sometimes’, the Finn has clearly been considering his next move and was overheard earlier today saying to a friend, ‘You have cash? Good. Let’s find a bar that’s open.’

British people to get Button referendum

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, June 28th, 2016

Jenson Button, yesterday

Jenson Button, yesterday

The government has confirmed today that the British public will be given a vote on whether Jenson Button stays within the McLaren team in a controversial poll already dubbed ‘Buttxit’.

‘For too long JB has had to live under the restrictive regime of the failing McLaren organisation,’ explained a spokesman for the Buttxit camp. ‘Every year McLaren pays Jenson £10m and if we vote Leave that money could be spent on the NHS or some other fictional claim we’re going to renege on immediately.’

‘JB needs to take back control and regain his sovereignty,’ the Buttxit spokesman continued. ‘Although what I’m really doing is using meaningless statements to mask the fact I secretly hate people from Surrey.’

‘The Buttxit camp talk about all the benefits of leaving McLaren,’ countered a leading Jenstay campaigner. ‘But these are all highly theoretical and there is no guarantee of an increase in punditry, Le Mans drives, and being able to open a Honda dealership like Derek Warwick.’

‘Experts are already warning that a Buttxit could set the team back 50 years,’ noted a McLaren insider. ‘Which would be a welcome performance boost for us.’