Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

High flyers gather in Monaco to not watch race

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, May 22nd, 2015

Monaco, yesterday

Monaco, yesterday

Thousands of the world’s wealthiest people will flock to Monaco this weekend to pay almost no attention whatsoever to the Formula 1 racing they’re simply not interested in.

‘The Monaco Grand whatsit is the highlight of the motor racing season for those of us who aren’t remotely interested in motor racing,’ said one perma-tanned cashsack we spoke to. ‘Yes, we could go to Monza or Silverstone but there’s nothing to do there and we might end up having to watch some actual motorsport, which would be ghastly.’

However, the Monaco GP doesn’t only attract people with unplaceable European accents who aren’t interested in F1. The principality’s annual Grand Prix will also attract dozens of top celebrities who aren’t interested in F1 either. ‘The Monaco Formula 1 race is THE place to be seen for people who don’t give a shit about Formula 1,’ said showbiz blogger Seaubiz Blorgar. ‘You’re no one if you’re not here this weekend, standing by the track during the race looking in completely the opposite direction.’

‘Monaco really is the ultimate place to talk about interesting things that I like, such as money, and not boring awful stuff that I hate, such as Formula 1,’ said Bernie Ecclestone.

Strategy Group votes to bring back Good McLaren

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, May 18th, 2015

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

The F1 Strategy Group has voted for measures to improve the sport from 2017, starting with the return of Good McLaren.

‘We need to bring back audiences to F1,’ said a Group insider. ‘And what better way to increase excitement, drama and tension than with the return of a McLaren that is good, rather than one that is titting uselessly around at the back like grey Marussia.’

Formula 1’s top teams are thought to have voted unanimously in favour of a return to Good McLaren, with the exception of Ferrari who voted for ‘Even Better Ferrari’.

‘Bringing back Good McLaren will boost the sport, but there will be some sacrifices in return,’ warned our source. ‘I’m afraid the trade-off may be the return of Shit Williams.’

F1 Strategy Group successfully decides sod all

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, May 15th, 2015

The F1 Strategy Group meeting, yesterday

The F1 Strategy Group meeting, yesterday

The F1 Strategy Group met this week to discuss ways in which it could continue to be of absolutely fuck all use to anyone.

Sources say the main topics on the Group’s agenda were dithering, bickering, and talking round in circles to the sum total of sod all. ‘The meeting was a great success,’ said one group insider. ‘By which I mean, we got cock all done, as per usual. More cigars!’

As ever, the hottest topic during the meeting was costs and many ideas were put forward for how the Group might continue to talk about cost saving for many years whilst signally failing to come up with a practical and uncontrived way of making such measures work which probably means there isn’t one and perhaps they should just all admit that instead of sitting around eating swan and pretending to care.

‘I’m just going to say something unhelpful that makes me sound like a total prick,’ said F1 supremo Bernard Ecclestone. ‘Erm… all the cars should drive in reverse.’

2015 Spanish GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News, Trentham Sleaves by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, May 8th, 2015

Bloody awful F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks ahead to this weekend’s race

trenthamsleaves1You can see and hear Formula 1 on television but what you can’t do is smell it, unless you are actually in the paddock, which of course I am. It’s a heady smell made up of one part fuel, two parts hope and seasoned with a dash of passion, all cooked to perfection under the Spanish sunshine here in Barcelona.

I’ve been coming to Barca for more years than I care to remember, yet every time the spicy paella of sights, sounds and scents take my breath away in a frenzied flamenco of F1 heritage as rich and full bodied as the finest rioja. This is a city that offers race fans the full tapas of experiences, from the bustling bull fight of the down town streets to the sweet siesta of a sangria at sunset.

I was sharing these thoughts only yesterday with my good mate Daniel Ricciardo, who I caught up with after hiding for 20 minutes around the side of his motorhome. ‘I’m sorry, who are you?’ Dan quipped. ‘Listen, I’ve really got stuff to do, can you get out please!’ he added. Typical Aussie laid back humour!

Last night I took a trip into the city and strolled down Las Rambleras before stopping to dine at a little back street restaurant which only locals know about, and a few American tourists. Discretion prevents me from naming it, although suffice to say a certain former British world champion from 1996 knows where it is as he walked in only last year only to see me waving in the corner at which point he pulled off the marvellous gag of pretending to leave, which he did by actually leaving! The menu here may seem impenetrable to the layman, but for those of us like me who speak a little Catalonian ordering is a breeze and as I feasted on my ice cream covered fish with a glass of vinegar I reflected on what a season it has already been and what delights the European leg of F1 2015 will certainly bring, although of course I fully support any moves to stage more races away from Europe.

As to this weekend’s action, I have always been pretty clear on who I believe has the upper hand and it’s definitely Mercedes or Ferrari or perhaps Bottas in the Williams, though Red Bull have been working hard on their car and cannot be discounted from surprising everyone.

Whatever happens here in the Catalanian sunshine, rest assured that I will have a superb view of all the racing. Because remember, I’m here and you’re not.

51.5 Shades Of Grey

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, May 7th, 2015

RONDennisSniff Petrol is proud to present an exclusive extract from the new novel 51.5 SHADES OF GREY by acclaimed erotic writer R.O.N. DENNIS.

“He regarded the shimmering silver for a moment, pausing to take in how tightly it wrapped over the curves underneath. ‘This is sub-optimal under certain quantities of brightness,’ he whispered. ‘You must re-evaluate key parameters of this adornment.’

He paced precisely around the workshop facility, stopping when he noticed a single speck of dust upon a flat surface. He felt dirty.

‘Let us engage in a playing of roles scenario,’ he breathed. ‘I will be the de facto executive responsible for all elements of the running of this organization. My requirement regarding your role is to adopt a dynamic, predatory graphite-grey colouration, complemented by McLaren day-glow speedmarks and key lines.’ There was an uncomfortable silence. What was he trying to say?

He noticed two crumbs on a nearby work surface. He felt disgusted at this filth.

**************************************************************************

It was the next day. The young Spaniard felt hot and nervous. He told himself this wasn’t a race yet in his mind he knew of course that it was. It had been so long since he had managed to finish first he could barely remember what it felt like. He tried to clear his head and concentrate on the pounding, grinding noise behind him. Was that normal? What was normal anyway? Was it true what the man had said, that this was ‘an optimal power partnership’?

Seconds later a voice whispered in his ear; ‘We’re going to pull you off.’ Instantly fluids spurted from behind him and he knew it was over. Truly, once again, he was fucked.”

Button to run Spanish Grand Prix

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, April 28th, 2015

Jenson Button, yesterday

Jenson Button, yesterday

Following his success in Sunday’s London marathon, Jenson Button has announced plans to run the forthcoming Spanish Grand Prix, claiming it will be ‘faster than using the McLaren’.

As well as significantly improved pace, Button is said to be believe that tackling the Catalunya track on foot will bring other major advantages over using his MP4-30. ‘Jenson managed to complete the London marathon without once belching steam and coming to a halt at the side of the course,’ said a source close to the team. ‘Nor did he suddenly get told to sit out the rest of the event for mysteriously unspecified reasons and then have to give an interview in which he is forced to claim the team is ‘making progress’.’

Although the idea of running 190 miles rather than using a car is likely to be extremely challenging, Button is said to be sanguine about potential problems including the risk of needing to take a Paula Radcliffe-style poo stop in front of all the fans. ‘Jenson is cool with that happening,’ our insider noted. ‘It certainly won’t be the first time he’s had trouble with the super softs.’

With less than two weeks until the Spanish race, the phlegm voiced racer is now in talks with Pirelli to buy some extra durable trainers and is working on precautions against the single biggest threat to his Grand Prix marathon – being run over by Pastor Maldonado.

F1 teams agree to budget cap

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 22nd, 2015

An cap, yesterday

An cap, yesterday

In the face of spiralling costs, all current F1 teams have at last settled on a mutually agreeable budget cap, which will be worn by all drivers during press conferences.

The budget cap is said to be of a conventional peaked design, but uses a simple plastic re-sizing tab at the back to save costs. At the front, the cap features a lightweight, low-cost strip of Velcro onto which relevant sponsors’ logos can be attached. The cap is made of a material described as ‘a bit scratchy’.

The cap is said to cost just $10 and will be made in only three colours, although Ferrari will have exclusive rights to the red cap and also to the ability to sell the cap in its shops for $275.

Getting the cap approved amongst drivers has not been simple and sources say there was resistance from, amongst others, Kimi Raikkonen who prefers a trucker style that makes him look like an insolent Kentucky teenager.

‘This is a landmark moment,’ said one F1 insider. ‘The sport’s hat costs have been spiralling out of control for years. Now at last every single team plays on a level field as far as casual head gear is concerned’.

With the new agreement in place, all teams are now ready to use the cap at the next race, except for McLaren who say that they are unable to get Jenson Button’s cap ready in time.

Raikkonen feeling mnn mn mnurr

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, April 20th, 2015

A delighted Raikkonen, yesterday

A delighted Raikkonen, yesterday

Following his second place in yesterday’s Bahrain GP, Ferrari sources say that Kimi Raikkonen is feeling totally mnn mn mnurr.

The Finnish driver is reported to have said to his engineers that the podium place was ‘nnn mnggg rrrrmnnnng’ and that this has boosted his feelings towards coming races to ‘mmmmnnn mn’.

Raikkonen is said to be so ‘mmnnn nnnmnm’ about his performance in Bahrain that in the pit garage afterwards the ebullient driver individually looked at at least two mechanics, slightly opened his mouth as if to say something, and then walked out. ‘It was incredible,’ said one team insider. ‘I’ve never seen him so emotional’.

Sources say that if Raikkonen can follow his impressive second place with a victory in coming races he will achieve the highest state of delight possible for a Finnish person known as ‘simsu’ which literally translates as ‘yea, whatever’.

 

2015 Bahrain GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News, Trentham Sleaves by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, April 17th, 2015

Terrible F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks ahead to this weekend’s race

trenthamsleaves1As the golden sun casts its ethereal glow across the paddock here in Bahrain one can almost feel an intangible magic that radiates from the surrounding sands giving the entire circuit an enchanting aura that cannot be experienced unless you are here in person, which of course I am.

Formula 1 arrives here in the Middle East full of new hope, inspired by the resurgence of Ferrari, impressed by the strength of Williams, mindful of the exciting tension that exists within Mercedes. These aren’t just my thoughts, they are thoughts very much endorsed by my old mate Sir Jackie Stewart who I was chatting with just yesterday. ‘Whatever you just said, fine. Just please leave me alone,’ he joked. Dear old Jack has always has a sense of humour as dry as Bahrain itself!

Last night I dined alone at a marvelous little back street restaurant I’ve been coming to for many, many years. I won’t share the name of course, and I doubt you would be able to enjoy it without knowing a little of local dialect and custom. I speak a little Bahrainy of course and once I had feasted on a shoe full of humus and tried to explain that I wasn’t calling her a sheep whore, I remembered something my dear pal Alain Prost once said to me in an airport lounge in Dubai. ‘The Middle East is quite nice,’ he mused. ‘Now, ‘ow you say, sod off before I call security.’ Good old Al, such a joker!

Speaking of former world champions, upon leaving the restaurant who should I chance upon by my great mate Damon Hill who wasted no time in pretending he hadn’t seen me and walking briskly in the opposite direction. What a card!

As to who will take the legendary chequered flag here in the white heat of the desert sands, I think the answer is obvious. It will almost certainly be a Mercedes, or a Ferrari if they can pull something out of the bag, but perhaps a Williams, although you wouldn’t bet against an outside chance of a Red Bull or Lotus.

Whatever happens, rest assured I’ll have a great view of all the action. Because remember, I’m here and you’re not.

Rosberg maintains moan

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 16th, 2015

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Moany weird eared Germo-Finnish driver Nico Rosberg has stood by claims that his Chinese Grand Prix was ‘compromised’ by team mate Lewis Hamilton driving too slowly ahead of him.

‘Driving in a race is just like driving on the road,’ the Finlish-Germano driver explained. ‘When the guy in front slows down, you have to slow down too. It’s obvious. I mean, if there’s a slower moving car ahead of you, what else could you do?’

Rosberg claims that this slowing down enabled third placed Sebastian Vettel to get too close to the back of his Mercedes, putting both drivers in danger. ‘Seb was closing in on me,’ the Teuto-Finlandical driver claimed. ‘And if that happened, he would have been very near to the back of my car, which is dangerous. I mean, once you’re close behind another car, you’re stuck there, right?’

Rosberg says he has cleared the air with Hamilton, but maintains that the British driver eased off too much during the race. ‘It meant I couldn’t do my job,’ the Finmanic-Gerlandian insisted. ‘Look up the definition of ‘racing driver’ in the dictionary. It doesn’t say, ‘man who uses skill and judgment to drive his car past slower cars’. It says, ‘whiny little baby who will always come second.’ At least, it does in mine.’