This week Force India announced that they are keeping Nico ‘The Under-rated Hulk’ Hulkenberg in their driver line-up for 2015. However, Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal that the new contract comes with some additional terms and conditions, as follows:
- Must change name to ‘NicoForce HulkenIndia’
- Must sponge down Vijay Mallya at least once a week. More frequently if there is particularly high build-up in the folds.
- Must attempt to gain psychological advantage by running into the motorhome of at least one rival team during every race weekend, shouting ‘FORCEINDIA’ and then running off again.
- Must endorse some of Vijay Mallya’s other companies via a TV ad in which he eats a bowl of chemicals, and looks like he’s enjoying it.
- Must have TW Steel watch implanted into chest, ‘like Ironman’.
- Must take blame for Vijay Mallya’s thunderous flatulence at all times. If during a race, must radio into pits and clearly state, ‘Sorry guys, the car just made a terrible noise. And smell.’
- Must circumvent alcohol advertising rules by sitting in all press conferences holding an actual kingfisher which he must refer to throughout as ‘refreshing’.
- Must not moan about how he ‘could have gone to Ferrari’.