Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Teams race to sign young drivers

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, August 26th, 2014

Jos 'The Boss' Verstappen and Max 'The Nickname To Be Decided' Verstappen, yesterday

Jos ‘The Boss’ Verstappen and Max ‘The Nickname To Be Decided’ Verstappen, yesterday

Following news that Toro Rosso has signed Jos Verstappen’s 16-year-old son Max for next season, other F1 teams are racing to bag the offspring of a driver for themselves.

First to make a move was Red Bull who immediately invited Sebastian Vettel’s seven month old daughter to have a go in their simulator and didn’t complain when the seat got covered in mashed banana and dribble. ‘It’s okay,’ said a spokesman. ‘You should see the state of it when Buemi’s been in there.’

Over in Woking, McLaren’s Ron Dennis has agreed first refusal on any children spawned by current driver Ken Magnussen, believing that signing the son of the son of a former driver will ‘bring a multiplied factor of opportunality for significant quantities of excellentness.’

Meanwhile, Williams has also decided to start from scratch and offered cash to former driver Jacques Villeneuve for any sperm he might produce. ‘We’ve already had to hire a new warehouse to store it in,’ said a spokesman. ‘I think we’d forgotten what a massive wanker he is.’

Finally, Ferrari has decided not to pursue a driver’s offspring having already turned down an offer from Luca Badoer. ‘He told us there was a birth last year and he’s been nurturing it ever since,’ said a spokesman. ‘We had to tell him, Luca, that’s a turd.’

Rosberg embraces bucket challenge

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, August 25th, 2014

An bucket, yesterday

An bucket, yesterday

This weekend Nico Rosberg became the first Formula 1 driver to embrace a new viral trend in which the participant dumps a bucket of shit onto another driver’s race.

Under the terms of the Shitbucket Challenge, Rosberg had just 44 laps to pour a massive container of turds onto Lewis Hamilton’s hopes of being 2014 world champion. In fact, the GermoMonaScandi driver managed to complete the task in just two laps.

‘Nico really went for it and by putting himself 29 points ahead in the championship, he’s really raised a lot of cash for himself,’ said one F1 insider. ‘Of course, Lewis was a great sport in having a lot of crap dumped onto him and then doing post-race interviews where he only sounded a little bit like a grumpy teenager moaning about being told to clean his room.’

In order to take part in the challenge, sources say the drivers’ championship leader bought an allegorical bucket and then filled it with all the shit he talks about him and Hamilton being fine with each other.

Rosberg wasn’t the only driver in Belgium looking to totally crap on someone else’s race. ‘It’s true,’ said a Lotus insider. ‘So to be on the safe side, we switched off Pastor’s engine on lap three.’

Boffins announce Jordantron

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, August 1st, 2014

The Jordantron, yesterday

The Jordantron, yesterday

Scientists from Cambridge University reached a landmark in artificial intelligence this week as they announced a prototype computer that can accurately recreate talking utter bollocks, dubbed The Jordantron.

‘The Jordantron is the result of years of research into blarneying bullshit,’ said head of the project Professor Bispy Kelb. ‘The machine can engage in genuinely lifelike interaction with a person, by which I mean loosely listen to their opening remark and then immediately steamroller over anything they say with their own opinions.’

Prof. Kelb explains that The Jordantron works by recording anything that is said to it, carefully analysing this data and then immediately disregarding it in order to start speaking at great speed about whatever it fancies. The scientists behind the experimental device say they are particularly proud of the way the machine takes just a few milliseconds to steer any subject round to talking about itself.

‘In the world of artificial intelligence this is a really significant landmark and also quite an annoying one,’ Prof. Kelb noted. ‘The only problem is, now we’ve started it talking bollocks we have no idea how to make it stop. Does anyone have a number for Suzi Perry?’

 

 

Hamilton theme park opens tomorrow

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 31st, 2014

A sign for the new park, yesterday

A sign for the new park, yesterday

Tomorrow sees the opening of a new Lewis Hamilton-based theme park near Stevenage, to be called Hamiltown.

The new attraction features a range of rides and amusements based around Hamilton’s life and career including The Emotional Rollercoaster, Around The World in 80 Accents and a so-called Torture Chamber in which visitors are invited to see how long they can stay in a small room listening to a recording of Nicole Scherzinger’s speaking voice.

Other attractions include dodgems in which all the other cars are painted to look like Pastor Maldonado’s Lotus and, for younger children, Pin The Earring On The Lewis. There will also be a realistic recreation of the room real F1 drivers go into immediately after a race where visitors can have their photograph taken looking sullen while putting on a watch.

‘It’s just £10 for adults and £6 for kids,’ the British driver said in a statement. ‘But I’m not letting Nico in for free.’

Vettel makes kettle

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 28th, 2014

The Sebastian Kettle, yesterday

The Sebastian Kettle, yesterday

Following another disappointing result at the Hungarian Grand Prix, Sebastian Vettel has announced plans to make up for lost sponsorship and personal endorsements by launching a branded kitchen product called The Sebastian Kettle.

According to sources close to the German driver, The Sebastian Kettle will be able to boil water quite quickly but not quite as quickly as rival kettles from places such as Australia. However, each Sebastian Kettle will come with a booklet detailing how quickly the device used to be able to boil water between 2010 and 2013, perhaps because rival kettles weren’t quite as good then, especially ones from Australia.

A Vettel spokesman warned that the new device should not be boiled when other, faster kettles are being used nearby as it will cause The Sebastian Kettle to have a tantrum and spit out all of its water. This will require the person who has paid for The Sebastian Kettle to spend the next week or so gently telling the kettle that it is still special and their favourite of all the kettles.

The Sebastian Kettle will go on sale next month and will make an ideal present for a kitchenware loving motorsport fan to complement their worktop items such as The David Coulbox, The Gerhard Berger Grill and The Pedro de la Toaster.

With thanks to Richard Turton

2014 Hungarian GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, July 25th, 2014

F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks forward to this weekend’s Grand Prix

trenthamsleaves1The Hungarian Grand Prix has always held a special place in my heart for reasons that anyone in the paddock is sure to agree with. If you don’t know what I’m talking about I’m afraid it’s something that simply cannot be explained. Not that this affects my dear old mate Martin Brundle who I know and you don’t. He sometimes missed the Hungarian GP in the past and people often wondered why. Well, it would be indiscreet of me to reveal the real reason for this but suffice to say it really is a tremendous story and one that I often enjoy telling to my close personal friends such as Sir Stirling Moss and Sir Jackie Stewart and Sir Damon Hill who isn’t a knight but really should be because he’s tremendous company if you’ve ever spent time with him, which I have and you haven’t.

Last night I ventured into downtown Budapest – always a treat – and visited Grodogo’s, a restaurant legendary amongst the F1 circus for reasons I can’t divulge here. Suffice to say, a certain two-time world champion called Mika won’t be having the lobster again! It really was tremendously funny if you were there which I’m assuming you weren’t. I was.

As I dined alone, I suddenly remembered a tremendous anecdote from a few years ago here in Hungary which concerns my old mate, the legendary Alain Prost. I returned to my hotel one evening to find him in reception in a terrible flap. He was searching down the back of a nearby sofa and speaking quite urgently to the night porter. Then he looked under the sofa and down the back of the sofa and seemed really quite agitated. Well, it turned out he had misplaced his wallet and was convinced it had fallen out of his pocket when he had sat in reception earlier!   ‘Lost your wallet, professor?’ I joked. ‘Oh Jesus, you again,’ he shot back, quick as a flash. ‘Why don’t you just piss off you terrible smug bastard!’ You really had to be there. Which you weren’t.

As to this weekend’s Grand Prix, it would be foolish to speculate on who might take the chequered flag on Sunday. Suffice to say I think Mercedes look strong but Williams are on a charge and one should never overlook Red Bull or Ferrari or a resurgent McLaren or Force India or Sauber.

One thing is for certain; whatever happens I will be on the spot to enjoy all the action. Because remember, I’m here and you’re not.

Button splits with face hair

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

Button with his facial hair in happier times, yesterday

Button with his facial hair in happier times, yesterday

Jenson Button confirmed today that he has split up with his facial hair.

In an official statement the British driver said he had ‘tried for a long time to make it work’ but that in the end ‘it just wasn’t to be’.

Button had been on-off with his latest facial hair for over four years and in that time observers had often wondered how long he would last before realising it was basically just straggly bum fluff. It now seems the McLaren driver has had enough of looking like a student on a gap year or a shit impression of Chris Martin.

At present it’s not known what will happen to Button’s scrappy face fuzz although when he parted company with his previous facial hair it swiftly returned to the paddock with Romain Grosjean.

This week is not all bad news for British drivers and beards, however, as Max Chilton confirmed that two hairs have now appeared on his chin. Slowly.

With thanks to Richard Turton

Williams strategy secrets revealed

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 21st, 2014

An Williams, yesterday

An Williams, yesterday

Williams has revealed that its recent return to form is the result of re-training of the team’s race strategists using the world’s most complicated and unpredictable phenomenon – a Johnny Herbert interview question.

‘Sometimes a race can end in a way you didn’t expect when it started, just like one of Johnny’s questions,’ a Williams source explained. ‘By carefully analysing Johnny’s interview technique we were able to re-calibrate our race strategy protocols to adapt to surprising and inexplicable changes in pace, direction and focus, just as interviewees are forced to do when Johnny is grilling them.’

‘The main thing we have learnt by observing Johnny’s interview method is to be adaptable and never go too early with a possible reaction as the outcome is changeable and might not be known yet, even to the person asking the question,’ our source continued. ‘Of course, this can take far longer than is necessary and lead to a high level of confusion, but in those circumstances all we can do is hope that Damon Hill will look a bit puzzled and then change the subject.’

‘Well this is all rather marvellous,’ said Claire Williams cheerily. ‘Now, who wants tea and cake?’

With thanks to Richard Turton

Nico Rosberg around the world

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Last week Lewis Hamilton disparaged Nico Rosberg by saying he was ‘not German’. In fact, the British driver was wrong because German is one of 42 nationalities Rosberg holds. Here are some amazing facts about the world championship leader and how he is known in some of his many, many homelands.

- In Ireland, Nic O’Rosberg is a legend amongst small children. Parents tell their kids to get to their beds or they will be chased by a man wearing one glove with a watch drawn on the back of it.

- In South Africa Nicor Osberg is a similar character who scares small children by pursuing them, pausing only to take a real watch off a small pillow which he them puts on without question.

- If you live in Greece you will be very familiar with the folklore of Nicoros Berg, a strange man who is the patron saint of nice blonde hair.

- Over in Denmark, Nic Or Osberg is a popular playground game in which children decide whether to have a normal ear or one that sometimes looks a bit weird.

- If you grew up in Switzerland you’ll be familiar with the legend of Nicoro Sberg which means ‘man who claims to be from your country when it suits him’.

- In Slovakia, Nic Orosb Erg is a slang phrase which means, ‘Used to be friends with someone but not friends with them any more’.

- Finally, in Germany ‘Nicorosberg’ literally translates as ‘Monegasque bastard piggybacking on our World Cup glory’.

Maldonado gets own race series

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

Ahead of this weekend’s German Grand Prix, the FIA has announced that Pastor Maldonado is to be given his own race series.

‘All the teams have approached us at some point to complain about Maldonado damaging their cars with his idiotic antics on the track,’ explained an FIA spokesman. ‘So from now on, he’ll race separately in his own series where he can caper about smashing into things to his heart’s content.’

Under the new plan, Maldonado will ‘race’ his Lotus ahead of the actual Grand Prix, aiming to complete as many laps as possible. Typically, this we be about 17. He will be joined on the track by a gaggle of other expendable buffoons including Yuji Ide, Chanoch Nissany and Luca Badoer, all of whom he can collide with at will. The ‘winner’ will be one who stays out on the track for the longest and will be awarded a pouch of Capri Sun and a box of non-toxic crayons.

‘The crowd will love their inept blundering and the teams will love knowing it’s an old Mastercard Lola chassis getting bent again, not their proper cars,’ our FIA source explained. ‘This will be the ultimate spin off series. Literally. We’re thinking of calling it Formula Wank.’