Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

GP2 celebrates record levels of apathy

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, September 30th, 2014

Some GP2, yesterday

Some GP2, yesterday

GP2 today celebrated a record level of listless excuses for why motorsport fans can’t be bothered to watch it.

‘We’ve worked really hard on GP2 over the last 10 seasons, ‘ said a spokesman. ‘On the sound, on the driver line-ups, on the action, on everything that should make race fans want to watch, and that’s really paid dividends in quality and quantity of excuses we’re attracting as the public struggles to explain why it really doesn’t give a shit.’

According to GP2, the high calibre of shrugging, mumbled excuses includes ‘I can never remember what channel it’s on’, ‘All the good drivers end up in F1 anyway’, ‘I don’t like rallying’ and of course ‘Wait, is that the one with the Renault engines? God, is it shown on telly?’

‘It’s such a joy to know that motorsport fans are working so hard to think of the apologetic reasons why they couldn’t give a toss about GP2,’ the spokesman said. ‘But we must never be complacent and assume that we are the number one race series that people feel they probably ought to be interested in but in truth just can’t be arsed. Especially now there’s Formula E.’

 

Merc F1 announces new greeting card range

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, September 25th, 2014

One of the new Mercedes F1 cards, yesterday

One of the new Mercedes F1 cards, yesterday

Mercedes F1 today announced a range of branded greeting cards, all themed around the team and its drivers.

The new cards shun normal greeting card slogans such as ‘Happy birthday’, ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Sorry about what happened to your carpets’ in favour of messages inspired by the championship-leading team. These include ‘Sorry for not getting out of your way’, ‘Oops! You had another mechanical problem!’ and ‘Sorry for driving into you’, the latter containing an unusual tick box layout inside giving the sender the option to say ‘it was / wasn’t deliberate’.

Other cards in the extensive new range include the jaunty ‘My dad is more world champion than your dad!’, the humourous ‘It’s your turn to have the shit car this weekend!’ and, bringing things right up to date, a card that bears the slogan ‘Sorry to hear about your faulty steering wheel’ which opens to reveal the words, ‘Not really! Suck on my points, loser’.

Finally, the Mercedes F1 Premium card range features built-in audio devices that trigger when the card is opened, serenading the recipient with a variety of slogans including Niki Lauda swearing, Niki Lauda apologising for swearing, Toto Wolff saying ‘Reliability issues must be addressed’ and a five minute recording of Lewis Hamilton making a bit of a drama out of the state of his tyres.

McLaren Technology Centre to be demolished

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, September 25th, 2014

The McLaren factory shortly before being demolished, yesterday

The McLaren factory shortly before being demolished, yesterday

Ron Dennis has ordered the McLaren Technology Centre to be demolished and rebuilt from scratch after discovering a stubborn stain on a work surface in a first floor kitchen area.

In order to eradicate what Dennis refers to as ‘an unsatisfactory blemish-related situational issue’ the entire MTC will be razed to the ground immediately and then reconstructed from brand new materials to exactly the same design.  However, the building will be 7mm further south than before after Dennis observed that its previous positioning was ‘sub-optimal’. McLaren will also use the complete re-build to rotate the building 0.1 degrees clockwise following Dennis’s insistence that this would be ‘optimal building orientationalness based on full data analysisation’.

‘The Technology Centre is being demolished as I speak,’ said McLaren driver Ken Magnussen. ‘It’s really excitin… oh wait, all my stuff is still in there.’

His colleague Jenson Button was equally enthused; ‘This is great news,’ the British driver said. ‘And hopefully by totally demolishing the factory and rebuilding it to exactly the same design, the car will stop being rubbish and I’ll no longer come eighth in every race.’

Surtees in new world title attempt

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014

John Surtees, yesterday

John Surtees, yesterday

John Surtees has announced an audacious plan to add to his two and four wheeled world titles with the purchase of an extremely powerful unicycle.

‘It’s perfectly simple old boy,’ said a source close to the never-knighted legend. ‘For years John has been referred to as “the only man to win the world title on two and four wheels” and he’s become rather bored of it. So he’s going to spice it up by becoming the only world champion on one, two and four wheels.’

Our Surtees source says the 80 year old driver has already begun testing of his highly powered mono-wheeled racer and that trials are ‘going well’, although going downhill continues to be ‘a bloody nightmare’.

An additional problem is the absence of an actual world championship for motorised unicycles, something our insider insists Surtees has taken into account. ‘He’s going to start his own formula old boy,’ he claims. ‘And he’s not going to tell Stirling Moss about it.’

However, the unicycle championship challenge could be just the start of an ambitious wheel-based numerical world title collection endeavour for the yet-to-be-ennobled racing star as spies now report Surtees has bought both a Tyrell P34 and a highly tuned Reliant Regal.

F1 regulations clarified

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, September 22nd, 2014

Some F1 cars, yesterday

Some F1 cars, yesterday

After banning and then not banning but slightly banning performance related radio messages, F1 rule makers have issued a document clarifying some other aspects of the current regulations.

Amongst other clarifications, the document clearly states that ‘team orders are not permitted unless given to by members of the same team to members of the same team’ and that ‘refueling during a race is not allowed unless it is necessary to put some fuel in the car, in which case this may be done as long as the car not used again in a competitive way, unless required’.

Other clarifications of note include paragraph 16.7 which says ‘active suspension is not banned, but it must not suspend the car in an active way unless it interferes with the ground effect with is also permitted unless it comes into contact with the air, or the ground’.

Technical directors may also want to pay close attention to paragraph 25.2 which states that ‘engines must be no larger than 1.6 litres unless required to be of a greater capacity in order to operate within the prescribed conditions to work with the permitted turbocharger(s) which are banned’.

In a separate issue, all F1 teams are now permitted to use a chocolate fireguard as long as they refer to it by its correct name, ‘The FIA’.

A Renault F1 engine writes…

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, September 22nd, 2014

During qualifying for the Singapore Grand Prix, Romain Grosjean took to the radio to complain about the Renault engine in his Lotus. Now, exclusively on Sniff Petrol, the engine has its say 

RenaultEnergyF12014I cannot believe it! Bloody driver! Bloody driver! We break our balls for this? To be moaned about by le glorified snowboard instructor with ‘is stupid bum fluff beard. He look like ze shitty impersonation of, ‘ow you say, Chris Martin du Coldplay. Oh ‘ow I long for a decent driver like zat nice Jenson Button. At least ‘is impression of Chris Martin is convincing.

But non, we ‘ave ze man who look like a rural simpleton. Per’aps if he spent less time complaining and more time try to, ‘ow you say, drive ze car properly, zis would not be an issue. Per’aps also he should have signed for ze team that is, ‘ow you say, not shit. I notice my cousin in le Rouge Bull is doing quite well now, non? Maybe ze Lotus, she is the problem. Maybe they should have spent more time on ze chassis and less time on, ‘ow you say, dicking about dans le social medieur.

Ze bearded buffoon, ‘as he thought about zis, eh? I think not. And don’t get me started on ze other guy. He is a completement, ‘ow you say, fucking moron. It would be easier on us engines if we got an actual monkey to drive ze car. Maximum throttle, no throttle, maximum throttle, no throttle, maximum throttle, BANG. Zut alors! It’s okay for ‘im, at least ‘e can see what we’re about to hit. I ‘ave a cover over mon head. It go quiet, there is a ‘orrible noise, then I wait to find out what we drove into this time. Zut alors, he is the merde of the chien!

So, zat’s it. I will take it no more. Fight ze power. Whatever that is. Boh!

Scottish debate reaches Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, September 18th, 2014

Sir Jackie Stewart's trousers, yesterday

Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers, yesterday

As Scotland votes on its future today, political leaders on both sides of the debate have warned that, whatever the outcome, there are no guarantees as to who would get Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers.

‘Alex Salmond has promised many things,’ said a spokesman for the Better Together campaign. ‘But voters have a right to know that he cannot promise an independent Scotland would not get Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers.’

However, a representative for the pro-independence movement insisted it was too early to say either way. ‘In the event of Scotland’s separation there are many details to be worked out,’ she said. ‘And that would include making sure we did everything in our powers to give Sir Jackie Stewart trousers to the English.’

On the streets of Glasgow, people on both sides of the vote had strong opinions about the Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers issue. ‘This is why Scotland should remain part of the UK,’ insisted one passer-by. ‘So we can share the awful responsibility for Sir Jackie Stewart trousers and take turns having to look at how dreadful they are.’

Pro-separationists were equally vocal, however; ‘Scotland doesnae want or need the burden of Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers,’ said one proud ‘yes’ voter. ‘Independence is a chance for Scotland to shake off the terrible problems of the past and that includes Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers.’

Although feelings are clearly running high over this matter, some members of the public took a more even view of the Sir Jackie Stewart’s trousers problem. ‘Sir Jackie Stewart is a proud Scot,’ said one man. ‘And I’m sure he’ll do whatever is right for Scotland, from his mansion in Buckinghamshire.’

New Formula E ideas

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, September 16th, 2014

Some Formula E, yesterday

Some Formula E, yesterday

Days after the inaugural Formula E race in China, organisers have revealed plans to use the enormous amount of time before the second race of the season in November to make the electric race series more interesting.

‘Basically Baz forgot to pack more than one foreign plug adaptor and it’s going to take about two months to charge up all the cars,’ admitted a senior source within the new formula. ‘But the good news is, that’ll give us loads of time to bring in even more fan interactivity.’

‘The whole “fan boost” thing was an idiotic idea but it seemed to pass by unnoticed in the race,’ our mole continued. ‘So what we’re thinking now is, maybe it wasn’t idiotic enough.’

According to our source, concepts so far discussed at Formula E HQ include letting fans vote on which driver has the cockpit of their second car filled with custard or which driver must come in to change their car and also to change into a costume that makes them look like a massive cartoon eagle. Also suggested is a live online participation exercise in which Karun Chandhok is forced to shout the word ‘FLAPJACK’ whenever a certain number of Tweets is reached, even if he’s giving an interview or discussing set-up with his engineer at the time. There will also be a Facebook vote to decide which driver will try to kill Nick Heidfeld.

‘We’ve got loads more ideas,’ claimed our insider. ‘Most of them involving gunge and funny costumes. What we’re aiming for here is basically a motorsport version of It’s A Knockout. Has anyone got a number for Stuart Hall? What? He’s where…?’

F1 teams react to FIA radio ruling

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, September 11th, 2014

An F1 race, yesterday

An F1 race, yesterday

F1 teams have reacted immediately to the FIA’s decision to ban ‘driver performance’ radio messages during races with at least one senior figure calling it ‘loco 7 at X4, as discussed.’

Another race engineer was equally outspoken, calling the decision ‘warm 5 is max and smooth for go strat 8 to 9, repeat smooth for go strat 8 to 9.’

However, a source at another leading team was more cautious, noting that the ruling was ‘green to 12J for seven, the blue cow is sitting on nine leaves. Sitting. On. Nine. Leaves.’

Meanwhile, a well-known senior figure from an Oxfordshire-based team took a different view. ‘Oh Jesus,’ he sighed. ‘I’m going to have to give Felipe written instructions.’

 

 

 

 

New Toto TV show on soon

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, September 8th, 2014

Toto on the set of his new show, yesterday

Toto on the set of his new show, yesterday

First details emerged today of a new daytime TV talk show entitled Toto in which an avuncular Austrian host presides over domestic disputes in the manner of a Terminator-voiced Jerry Springer.

Toto aims to cover a wide range of inter-personal problems with hard-hitting headlines such as ‘My partner doesn’t obey team orders’, ‘We used to be friends but a world championship got in the way’ and ‘What part of “move over” doesn’t he understand?’

Host Toto Wolff will attempt to adjudicate and calm the often-heated debate with help from his regular sidekick, No Bullshit Niki, who will intervene if matters get too highly charged by stomping onto the set in a red cap and an anorak and repeatedly swearing at the participants, even though the programme transmits at 3pm and he promised not to.

Those who have seen early episodes of Toto say the eponymous host is a great choice of presenter with his pleasant but commanding manner and his distinctive catchphrase, ‘It’s time for a commercial break but don’t worry… I’ll be back’.

Toto starts this week with an episode entitled, ‘I think my partner misses his chicane’.