Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Britain to decide on 8 June

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 19th, 2017

McLaren, yesterday

In a surprise move, Prime Minister Theresa May has called for Britain to decide if it is going to keep supporting McLaren.

Setting a deadline of 8 June, Mrs May made it clear that the country must ‘commit to its support’ of the once-good team or abandon that support and ‘just, you know, think about buying a Williams T-shirt or something’.

‘Mrs May wants to move forward with a clear mandate from the British people,’ explained political analyst Paul Itticalan-Alicst. ‘Do we admit that McLaren are just terrible now and not worth the heartache or do we keep rooting for the team and maintaining a clear policy of saying things like, “No, really, I hear they’ve got some more engine updates coming for the next race”?’

The date of 8 June is significant since it follows the Monaco Grand Prix and the brief return of Jenson Button, filling in for Fernando Alonso while he takes his despair break in America. ‘If the British people can’t get behind the team after that,’ admitted one Westminster insider. ‘We probably have to admit that they’re basically just Arrows with a sense of entitlement.’

Following last year’s referendum result, it is believed that the British people will narrowly vote not to support McLaren and will shift their loyalties to other great British teams such as Cooper or Connaught.

 

Alonso to miss more races this season

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 13th, 2017

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Following yesterday’s news that Fernando Alonso will miss the Monaco Grand Prix to race in the Indy 500, McLaren have given details of the other races the Spanish driver will sit out, and the reasons why.

‘Fernando has suddenly realised he is quite busy with other engagements this year,’ admitted senior McLaren spokesman, Señor MacLaren-Spohksman. ‘In fact, the more he’s driven the MCL32, the more commitments elsewhere he seems to have remembered.’

The team today confirmed that, fresh from his Indy experience, Alonso will also miss the Canadian Grand Prix because he’ll be driving in a WRC event in Sardinia, the Azerbaijan race because he’ll be driving in a NASCAR race in California, and the Austrian GP because he’ll be driving up the M6 to Stoke-on-Trent to see his old mate Peter Wilson which has been in the diary for ages and, sorry, he really can’t get out of it.

Sources say Alonso will also miss the British Grand Prix because he has a friend’s wedding, the Hungarian Grand Prix because it’s Ruben Barichello’s 48 hour Dempsey & Makepeace marathon that weekend, and the Belgian Grand Prix because he really wants to watch the Belgian Grand Prix on telly. He will also sit out the Spanish Grand Prix because he has ‘a lot of friends coming in town’ that weekend.

In total, Alonso is expected to miss 18 races in the 2017 season, or 19 if you include the Chinese race which he has already wiped from his mind. A replacement for the absent Spanish driver has yet to be confirmed.

‘Oh no, my mobile phone and iPad and all other means of communication have fallen off my yacht and into the sea,’ said Jenson Button, yesterday. ‘Oh look, here comes a carrier pigeon…’ he added.

F1 bosses to start controlling the weather

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, April 11th, 2017

Following last weekend’s surprisingly entertaining Chinese Grand Prix, Formula 1’s new bosses have decided to improve the action at all subsequent races by taking control of the weather.

Insiders are convinced the weather played a big part in the success of the Chinese race, leading to memorable moments such as Giovinazzi blowing Sauber’s overdraft and Sergio Perez making one of his occasional withdrawals from the talent bank.

‘We were really impressed with how things panned out in China,’ said an F1 source. ‘So from now on all races will have a dank fog on the Friday that cancels practise and then some pre-race rain on the Sunday.’

Formula 1 management will achieve their new atmospheric moisture-based aim using a special weather controlling machine which they found in Bernie Ecclestone’s lock-up, hidden behind a pile of allegations that it would be inadvisable to repeat.

‘Bernie never deployed the weather machine to make racing better because there was no money in it,’ explained an insider. ‘So he just kept it for his own amusement, by which I mean using it to annoy Jackie Stewart.’

I think there was a Formula E race last weekend

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, April 3rd, 2017

Sniff Petrol Formula E correspondent C.T. Center reports on all the recent racing action

A Formula E car (?), yesterday (?)

I think there was a Formula E race this weekend just gone.

The race, which took place in a city somewhere (I think), was actually two (?) races, taking place on the same day (CHECK).

The first race was probably won by a driver whose name will be familiar to F1 fans whilst, in the second, the chequered flag was almost certainly taken by someone else you have heard of from some other form of motorsport (NB: REMEMBER TO GOOGLE THIS).

This weekend’s results probably means a change in the Formula E drivers’ championship, if they have one. It’s also good news for at least one of the teams in the constructors’ title, assuming there’s one of those, such as those road car companies that are entering now, I think.

With the 2017 season – which I seem to remember started last year? – really hotting up, the action now moves to another place (?) but only after a weirdly long gap.

F1 to debut extra-wide car option

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, March 30th, 2017

How the extra-wide car compares, yesterday

There was bad news for F1 fans today as the sport’s bosses announced plans for teams to use their ‘extra-wide’ cars at the next race.

‘The extra-wide option car is an overlooked part of the new regulations for 2017,’ explained a Formula 1 insider. ‘It’s basically the same car, but much, much wider.’

‘The extra-wide option was created to really hammer home the three key goals of the new season,’ our source continued. ‘That is to say, maximum grip, minimum overtaking and making people say, “oooh, don’t the cars look bigger this year”.’

Sources say the introduction of the ‘extra wide’ cars has been hurried forward to next week’s Chinese Grand Prix in response to concerns that the Australian race accidentally allowed one or two overtaking moves.

‘I suppose it’s up to us to provide some kind of closing punchline for this story,’ sighed a spokesman for McLaren. ‘Fine. Oh wow, I hope they hurry up and bring in a rule about using your extra-slow car.’

George Osborne to supply F1 engines

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, March 17th, 2017

George Osborne, yesterday

There was shock in F1 today with news that George Osborne is to become McLaren’s engine supplier.

The weak-faced, have-you-been-swimming-haired MP is to supply hybrid V6 power units for the Woking-based team with immediate effect, despite having no experience whatsoever of designing and building extremely complicated competition engines for top-level motorsport.

‘George Osborne hasn’t the first clue how to make a high-revving internal combustion engine engine allied to a sophisticated energy recovery system,’ said one critic. ‘But, in fairness, he’ll still do a better job than Honda.’

‘That’s exactly the sort of predictable punchline you’d expect from someone with no relevant experience,’ said a source, speaking after the announcement that the new Sniff Petrol editor is George Osborne.

F1 team has unusual coloured car

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, March 15th, 2017

The new Force India, yesterday

Formula 1 fans have reacted strongly to yesterday’s surprise news that Force India will run a pink livery this season.

‘Errrgh, their car is pink,’ spluttered one F1 enthusiast. ‘I bet just looking at it for too long gives you a vagina.’

Other fans were equally quick to pour scorn on the new team colours, ‘Oh my God, it’s pink,’ wrote one. ‘Errrrgh. Pink is the colour of flowers and kittens and also the pillows girls have in their bedrooms, I imagine.’

Even other F1 teams were moved to question Force India’s new colour scheme. ‘Pffft. Our car is made of manly colours like black and blue and heterosexuallow, and it was inspired by a Black & Decker Workmate. Grrrrr!’ said one well-known team insider. ‘You wouldn’t catch us running a pink car unless it came with millions in sponsorship money, in which case we would.’

Even former Force India driver Nico Hulkenberg joined in the mocking of the new pink colour scheme. ‘Now you understand why I left Force India,’ he wrote on Twitter along with a picture of the car. ‘It’s because I wanted to drive for a much worse team,’ he presumably would have added if there was room.

McLaren Cars to let F1 team sleep on its sofa for a bit

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, March 14th, 2017

The McLaren factory, yesterday

The road car division of McLaren has offered to let its sister Formula 1 team sleep on its sofa for a bit, at least until it gets its ‘life back together’.

‘Things are going really well for McLaren Automotive at the moment,’ said a close friend. ‘But Racing is having a terrible time and Automotive feels guilty about that, which is why it’s said Racing can sleep on its sofa, at least until it’s sorted out this awful relationship it seems to be stuck in.’

Those close to McLaren Automotive say the successful road car maker has told Racing it is free to stay for as long as it wants and is welcome to use any of its stuff. ‘Automotive even said Racing could borrow one or two of its engines,’ revealed an insider. ‘But of course they won’t because they keep pretending everything is fine and making excuses like, “Oooh, we’d love to but it’s against the regulations” or “We would, but we don’t want to upset you-know-who”. It’s very sad.’

McLaren Racing’s current troubles have not gone unnoticed by Ron Dennis, ousted as head of the F1 team but still in charge at the road car division. ‘I am generating a quantity of the spontaneous human emission known as laughter,’ he noted recently. ‘Ha ha ha etcetera.’

Men drive Formula 1 cars around track

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, February 28th, 2017

Some F1, yesterday

Reports from Barcelona yesterday suggest that a man has driven a Formula 1 car around for a bit, while another man also drove a Formula 1 car around, at a slightly lower speed but for a greater distance.

Another man was hoping to drive a Formula 1 car around for some time, but that time was less than he had hoped due to some kind of problem with the engine. ‘I was hoping to drive around for quite a while,’ he is quoted as saying. ‘However, I was not able to but I am okay about this.’

Meanwhile, one man drove a Formula 1 car around and was able to make it appear to be faster than would have been expected whilst another drove a Formula 1 car around at a speed that appeared to be slower than would have been expected.

Sources say different men will drive the same Formula 1 cars around today, giving an even greater sense of very little at all.

McLaren being ‘de-Ronned’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, February 8th, 2017

Ron Dennis, yesterday

With confirmation this week that Jost Capito has been ousted from his role at McLaren, new boss Zak Brown continues in his quest turn around the ailing F1 team with a programme known as ‘de-Ronning’.

Brown’s other measures to ‘de-Ron’ the team are said to include a policy of leaving some battered old shoes and a pile of dirty laundry by the door in the reception area, just next to the very worn chairs and a wonky table bearing some old magazines, many of which are missing the cover and are not in chronological order.

‘Since Zak took over, the menu in the staff canteen has changed too,’ admitted one insider. ‘Now, the only things they serve are croissants, jam doughnuts and Cadbury’s Flakes. And we have to eat them at our desks. Without using a plate.’

Another source reveals that staff are now encouraged to ‘leave fingerprints’, ‘spill things’ and ‘accidentally walk dog shit’ into the factory.

The final part of Brown’s ‘de-Ron’ policy is a strict instruction for all team personnel to use one word to describe something instead of five, one of which isn’t really a word, and a radical new plan to stop torturing Fernando Alonso with a terrible F1 car.