Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

George Osborne to supply F1 engines

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, March 17th, 2017

George Osborne, yesterday

There was shock in F1 today with news that George Osborne is to become McLaren’s engine supplier.

The weak-faced, have-you-been-swimming-haired MP is to supply hybrid V6 power units for the Woking-based team with immediate effect, despite having no experience whatsoever of designing and building extremely complicated competition engines for top-level motorsport.

‘George Osborne hasn’t the first clue how to make a high-revving internal combustion engine engine allied to a sophisticated energy recovery system,’ said one critic. ‘But, in fairness, he’ll still do a better job than Honda.’

‘That’s exactly the sort of predictable punchline you’d expect from someone with no relevant experience,’ said a source, speaking after the announcement that the new Sniff Petrol editor is George Osborne.

F1 team has unusual coloured car

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, March 15th, 2017

The new Force India, yesterday

Formula 1 fans have reacted strongly to yesterday’s surprise news that Force India will run a pink livery this season.

‘Errrgh, their car is pink,’ spluttered one F1 enthusiast. ‘I bet just looking at it for too long gives you a vagina.’

Other fans were equally quick to pour scorn on the new team colours, ‘Oh my God, it’s pink,’ wrote one. ‘Errrrgh. Pink is the colour of flowers and kittens and also the pillows girls have in their bedrooms, I imagine.’

Even other F1 teams were moved to question Force India’s new colour scheme. ‘Pffft. Our car is made of manly colours like black and blue and heterosexuallow, and it was inspired by a Black & Decker Workmate. Grrrrr!’ said one well-known team insider. ‘You wouldn’t catch us running a pink car unless it came with millions in sponsorship money, in which case we would.’

Even former Force India driver Nico Hulkenberg joined in the mocking of the new pink colour scheme. ‘Now you understand why I left Force India,’ he wrote on Twitter along with a picture of the car. ‘It’s because I wanted to drive for a much worse team,’ he presumably would have added if there was room.

McLaren Cars to let F1 team sleep on its sofa for a bit

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, March 14th, 2017

The McLaren factory, yesterday

The road car division of McLaren has offered to let its sister Formula 1 team sleep on its sofa for a bit, at least until it gets its ‘life back together’.

‘Things are going really well for McLaren Automotive at the moment,’ said a close friend. ‘But Racing is having a terrible time and Automotive feels guilty about that, which is why it’s said Racing can sleep on its sofa, at least until it’s sorted out this awful relationship it seems to be stuck in.’

Those close to McLaren Automotive say the successful road car maker has told Racing it is free to stay for as long as it wants and is welcome to use any of its stuff. ‘Automotive even said Racing could borrow one or two of its engines,’ revealed an insider. ‘But of course they won’t because they keep pretending everything is fine and making excuses like, “Oooh, we’d love to but it’s against the regulations” or “We would, but we don’t want to upset you-know-who”. It’s very sad.’

McLaren Racing’s current troubles have not gone unnoticed by Ron Dennis, ousted as head of the F1 team but still in charge at the road car division. ‘I am generating a quantity of the spontaneous human emission known as laughter,’ he noted recently. ‘Ha ha ha etcetera.’

Men drive Formula 1 cars around track

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, February 28th, 2017

Some F1, yesterday

Reports from Barcelona yesterday suggest that a man has driven a Formula 1 car around for a bit, while another man also drove a Formula 1 car around, at a slightly lower speed but for a greater distance.

Another man was hoping to drive a Formula 1 car around for some time, but that time was less than he had hoped due to some kind of problem with the engine. ‘I was hoping to drive around for quite a while,’ he is quoted as saying. ‘However, I was not able to but I am okay about this.’

Meanwhile, one man drove a Formula 1 car around and was able to make it appear to be faster than would have been expected whilst another drove a Formula 1 car around at a speed that appeared to be slower than would have been expected.

Sources say different men will drive the same Formula 1 cars around today, giving an even greater sense of very little at all.

McLaren being ‘de-Ronned’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, February 8th, 2017

Ron Dennis, yesterday

With confirmation this week that Jost Capito has been ousted from his role at McLaren, new boss Zak Brown continues in his quest turn around the ailing F1 team with a programme known as ‘de-Ronning’.

Brown’s other measures to ‘de-Ron’ the team are said to include a policy of leaving some battered old shoes and a pile of dirty laundry by the door in the reception area, just next to the very worn chairs and a wonky table bearing some old magazines, many of which are missing the cover and are not in chronological order.

‘Since Zak took over, the menu in the staff canteen has changed too,’ admitted one insider. ‘Now, the only things they serve are croissants, jam doughnuts and Cadbury’s Flakes. And we have to eat them at our desks. Without using a plate.’

Another source reveals that staff are now encouraged to ‘leave fingerprints’, ‘spill things’ and ‘accidentally walk dog shit’ into the factory.

The final part of Brown’s ‘de-Ron’ policy is a strict instruction for all team personnel to use one word to describe something instead of five, one of which isn’t really a word, and a radical new plan to stop torturing Fernando Alonso with a terrible F1 car.

F1 can’t wait to find out how Ecclestone is going to somehow regain control of everything

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, February 2nd, 2017

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

There was excitement in Formula 1 today as teams and drivers eagerly awaited the way in which Bernie Ecclestone will somehow regain control of the sport.

‘It’s only a matter of time,’ said one paddock insider. ‘And we can’t wait to see what Bernie’s got up his sleeve to re-gain unilateral control of the sport he erroneously believes to be his in perpetuity,’ they added, wordily.

Current theories about the way in which Ecclestone will somehow get control of F1 again just when everyone thought we’d seen the back of him include ‘bloodless coup’, ‘blood-filled coup’ and ‘some kind of moustache trap’.

‘My money is on discovering he’s the main shareholder of Liberty, and that he’s suddenly able to sell the sport back to himself,’ said another anonymous source. ‘However it happens, we can’t wait to see how Bernie inevitably regains control of F1 and then manages to be a massive prick about it.’

F1 in chaos as Ecclestone ousted

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, January 24th, 2017

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

There was chaos in F1 today as drivers and team personnel struggled desperately to think of something nice to say about sacked despot Bernie Ecclestone.

‘I was erring towards, “He did a lot for the sport”,’ explained one team principal. ‘But some bastard got that one first so now I’ll have to come up with another blandly non-committal pleasantry that doesn’t sound too much like “greedy little prick”.’

‘I was going to try, “the sport won’t be the same without him”,’ admitted one current driver. ‘I mean, it’s vague, it’s accurate, and it manages not to contain the words “manipulative little tit”.’

‘I suppose we could get away with, “It’s truly the end of an era” if we put an exclamation mark at the end to hide our feeling of relief behind a false sense of surprise,’ noted another team boss. ‘Unless of course there’s a more polite way of saying “spiteful little shit”?’

‘We’ll always be indebted to Bernie,’ noted a former manager at the Manor team. ‘No, really. That’s why I’m on my way to the dole office. What a toddler haircut twat. I mean, erm, “Wow, what a legacy!”’

Massa spotted behaving strangely

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, January 19th, 2017

Felipe Massa, yesterday

There was confusion in Brazil this week as Felipe Massa was seen emerging from a restaurant after a long meal, and then immediately going back in and returning to his table even though he had clearly finished.

‘I just don’t know why he went back in again,’ said one onlooker, Juan Enlouka. ‘He’d had a long time at the table already, surely he should have given it to someone else?’

‘I don’t understand why the restaurant would let him back in,’ said another witness. ‘Sure, he usually finishes every meal, if not always very quickly, but now it should be someone else’s turn to eat.’

Massa’s restaurant return is just one of several unusual things the panda-like driver has been spotted doing this week. ‘I gather Felipe was seen going into a public lavatory for some time, then he came out, turned around and went straight back in again, even though there were several younger people outside who deserved to use the facilities,’ explained Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘I hear that later the same day he was spotted coming out of a phone box and then immediately going back in, even though there was someone else who could have used the phone and would have made a quicker call.’

Reports of Massa’s apparent desire to go back into places he should admit it was his time to vacate have now reached his family home in Sao Paulo. ‘This is very strange,’ said his mother. ‘I’m keeping my legs crossed just in case.’

 

Those Raikkonen marriage vows

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, August 9th, 2016

Last weekend Kimi Raikkonen married model Minttu Virtanen in a private ceremony in Italy. Here, Sniff Petrol can exclusively share a transcript of the ceremony. 

Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday

Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday

Priest: Minttu, will you take Kimi to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

Kimi: Yea, yea, yea, she doing all that already.

Priest: And Kimi, will you take Minttu to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

Kimi: Sure, whatever.

Priest: Therefore, in the presence of God and in front of this congregation I proclaim you husband and wife. You may now kiss.

Kimi: Leave us alone, we know what we’re doing.

New car handling characteristic identified

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, August 1st, 2016

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Alongside the familiar traits of understeer and oversteer, car dynamics experts have this week identified a new handling characteristic known as ‘Nicosteer’.

Nicosteer occurs when a car follows a wider than expected arc into a given corner as a result of the driver failing to turn the wheel enough and then pretending that he had a problem even though he didn’t.

‘In scientific terms, Nicosteer can be expressed as X = A + B ,’ explained car handling professor, Carl-Hans Dligprofeser. ‘Where X equals vehicle trajectory, A equals corner radius and B equals how much the driver is being a prick again.’

Road safety campaigners are urging motorists to be aware of situations that can cause Nicosteer, such as pissing away a commanding championship lead, being the kind of choker who gets caught out by wheelspin, and having too many passports.

‘I’ll certainly be looking out for the warning signs of Nicosteer,’ said F1 runner up Nico Rosberg. ‘And if it happens, I’ll be certain to lift off very slightly.’