Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

F1 Commission rejects uncomplicated engine plan

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, November 26th, 2015

An Formula 1 engine, yesterday

An Formula 1 engine, yesterday

The F1 Commission this week rejected proposals for cheaper customer engines amid fears that such a move ‘simply wasn’t complicated enough’.

An FIA statement confirmed that the Commission vetoed the so-called ‘client’ engine in favour of drawing up some baffling and interminable 900 page regulation about costs and the minimum number of teams an engine maker must supply, thereby requiring all parties to attend another 74 very long meetings.

‘Authorising customer engines would be very straightforward,’ said one insider. ‘And that simply won’t do. Formula 1 is the pinnacle of motorsport and it must have the pinnacle of needlessly complicated rules.’

‘F1 should inspire the kids of today,’ noted another high-ranking team representative. ‘We would be neglecting our responsibility if we didn’t let our young people dream that one day they too could be sitting in a meeting room endlessly working through tiny details for some unnecessarily contrived and annoying piece of legislation.’

The FIA was quick to point out that the rejection of customer engines was not only to ensure many more meetings and the creation of many more lengthy documents. There was also concern from some parties that the client power unit ‘might be better than the shitty, shitty engines we’re making at the moment’.


Grosjean excited by ‘number of tubes’ in new chassis

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, November 18th, 2015

Romain Grosjean, yesterday

Romain Grosjean, yesterday

Following his first visit to the new Haas factory in the US state of Oxfordshire, Romain Grosjean has spoken enthusiastically about ‘the number of tubes’ in his chassis for next season.

‘The guys at the factory welcomed me by putting another hog on the fire pit,’ Grosjean said in remarks to French Formula 1 magazine Dimanche Alternatifs. ‘And then they showed me the amazing new F1 chassis and some of the advanced materials they are working with such as something I have never seen before called “sheet steel”.’

Grosjean was said to be particularly impressed by the team’s ‘car cover’ which is roughly the shape of a contemporary American-market saloon, although he was apparently confused to later discover that this was in fact ‘the car’.

‘I am super excited for next season,’ Grosjean concluded. ‘But of course I would not rule out a return to Lotus at some point, preferably next season.’

Doctors warn of new ‘fever’ risk

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, November 13th, 2015

A possible 'fever' sufferer, yesterday

A possible ‘fever’ sufferer, yesterday

Doctors have issued an urgent warning today after discovering a new strain of ‘fever’ which only affects celebrities.

‘The new ‘fever’ is very unusual and could have been around for decades without us realising,’ explained leading medical researcher Leigh Dingmedicalree-Sercher. ‘In some cases, it could be fatal and we now believe that the ‘fever’ killed actor James Dean, singer Marc Bolan and Daily Mail enthusiast’s favourite Princess Diana.’

‘There are several symptoms of the ‘fever’,’ our source explains. ‘They include a crumpling of metal, a shattering of glass, and a fibbing about having a fever.’

Kvyat kvept by cvurrent team

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, November 5th, 2015

Daniil Kvyat, yesterday

Daniil Kvyat, yesterday

Red Bull has confirmed that Daniil Kvyat will keep his drive for 2016 as the team praised his ‘strong legs’ and ‘stout soled shoes’.

Speaking candidly at the Mexican Grand Prix, boss Christian Horner said the Russian driver had ‘excellent ankle stamina’ and spoke highly of his ‘ability to scuttle’.

Horner also sang the praises of Kvyat’s team mate, Daniel Ricciardo, noting that he has ‘the required level of knee fitness’ and is ‘excellent at making pretend engine noises’.

When asked about Red Bull’s ongoing power unit supply problem for next year, Horner smiled enigmatically and said he had ‘something in mind’.

Hamilton in hat rejection dejection

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, October 27th, 2015

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Newly crowned world champion Lewis Hamilton has been left ‘distraught’ and ‘unable to enjoy his new title’ after Nico Rosberg rejected his gift of a ‘best team mate ever’ cap.

‘Lewis really wanted to get Nico a present and noticed that he often wears caps,’ said a source close to the British driver. ‘So when it was all rainy in Austin the other day, he made a special trip to the shops to get him a cap embroidered with the message ‘Best teammate ever!!!’ and then a smiley face. He didn’t have to do that. He could have done something he really enjoys like going to a piano store with Jay Z or looking at gold jewellery with Rihanna or zooming about on a jet ski with a dog, but he thought it was important to buy Nico something nice.’

Insiders say Hamilton arranged for Paddy Lowe to sneak the cap into the drivers’ cool down room so that he could present it to Rosberg after the race. ‘Lewis didn’t want to make a big fuss so he just casually tossed the cap to Nico,’ our insider revealed. ‘Unfortunately, Nico didn’t even look at it and just threw it back. Lewis was really upset.’

Team insiders say Hamilton is ‘inconsolable’ about the thoughtfully purchased cap rejection and is currently undecided about what to do with the specially-made ‘Best second-best Mercedes driver in the world!!!’ T-shirt.

2015 US Grand Prix preview

Posted in Motorsport, News by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, October 23rd, 2015

F1 journalist and ghastly knob weasel TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks ahead to this weekend’s race

trenthamsleaves1There’s a warmth and a charm to Austin that seduces you in the time it takes to say ‘howdy’ and which can only be understood if you’re actually here, which of course I am.

The whole city stands tall in its cowboy boots and makes those of us in the F1 circus feel like old friends. Speaking of which, one of the first people I saw at the airport was my dear old mate Christian Horner and we were able to chat about that unique Texan hospitality in the passport queue for a few seconds before he quipped that he was ‘off to join that longer, less convenient line’. Always such a marvellous sense of humour, even in the face of his current engine woes!

Last night, I donned the customary Stetson and moseyed on downtown to dine alone in a little Italian place much beloved of Formula 1 stars and which discretion prevents me from naming. Even here in the good ol’ US of A, ordering in fluent Italian always goes a long way with the charming staff, if one is capable, and of course I am. As I dined on my plate of water, socks and school textbooks I reflected on how America has taken F1 to its heart with this race and how that love will only grow next season when the Haas team bring a real slice of the States to our sport from their base in Banbury.

After my delightful meal I was preparing to saddle up and head on back to my ranch (by which I mean, ‘hotel’) when I spotted a certain 1996 world champion passing by with some colleagues and called out to say hello. ‘How many times must I tell you, leave me alone!’ he jested before adding, ‘My God, what the hell are you wearing?’ Such a wonderful wit, and I’m sure he was actually rather impressed by my boots and spurs!

As to who will take the infamous chequered flag here in the Lone Star state, I think we’re well past trying to pussy foot around the issue at this stage in a fascinating season; it will be a Mercedes, or maybe a Ferrari, or perhaps a Williams or a surprise from Force India or Red Bull. Whatever happens, y’all should know I’ll have a mighty fine seat for watching all the action.

Because remember, I’m here and you’re not, cowboy.

Ecclestone endorses Vader

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, October 19th, 2015

A moon, yesterday. Oh wait...

A moon, yesterday. Oh wait…

Darth Vader is the ‘right man’ to rule the universe and should have remained as supreme commander of the Imperial fleet, according to remarks made by Formula 1 boss Bernie Ecclestone.

‘I don’t think he should have been electrocuted and then left on an exploding Death Star,’ Ecclestone said in an interview for Russian television. ‘If a few planets got blown up, it’s good. That’s the tax the universe had to pay.’

‘Yes, many innocent people got lasered to death,’ the mop-haired microtwat continued. ‘But who hasn’t done that, eh?’

The Vader camp immediately tried to distance themselves from Ecclestone’s remarks with a spokesman noting they had no affiliation with ‘such an evil regime’.

F1 drivers praised for bravery

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, October 12th, 2015

An embarrassing situation, yesterday

An embarrassing situation, yesterday

Fans and pundits have paid tribute to the bravery of Formula 1 drivers after a series of chilling incidents at the Russian Grand Prix in which three of them were left in a terribly awkward social situation.

‘It was just sickening to see how quickly everything escalated from normality to arse clenching awkwardness,’ said Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘It just goes to show that, even in modern motorsport, a routine moment can suddenly develop into one where a pinchy-faced lunatic in a suit is trying to give you a man hug.’

F1 fans immediately praised the skill with which some drivers dealt with the horrific events unfurling in front of them. ‘Really impressed with the speed of Hamilton’s reactions,’ wrote one online commenter. ‘He saw what was happening and straight away he pretended he needed to go over to the table in the corner to avoid any further physical contact.’

‘Let’s not forget the collateral damage here,’ said another internet poster. ‘Specifically, that lady in the blue dress who knew she was not important enough to meet the drivers but found herself having her hand shaken and has probably been imprisoned for her insubordination.’

‘F1 needs to sort this out,’ noted one fan on Twitter. ‘That power crazed despot shouldn’t be in the drivers’ room. And nor should Vladimir Putin.’


F1 man ‘to be sold soon’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, October 8th, 2015

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

Rumours flying around Formula 1 this week suggest that Bernie Ecclestone could be sold in its entirety before the end of the year.

The stories follow remarks made by Ecclestone himself in which he claimed there were ‘several’ interested parties, though he declined to make up some names to make this seem more plausible.

‘There are certain people who might be interested in buying Bernie Ecclestone,’ said antiques expert Anne Teeksecks-Pert. ‘For example, a collector of hideous dolls or someone looking to complete their compendium of evil dwarves.’

However, Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine was less certain. ‘I think there’s one type of person who would buy Bernie Ecclestone in its entireity,’ he said. ‘And that’s a collector of ghastly little pricks who just say things to cause trouble.’

Gene Haas on… his new driver

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, September 30th, 2015

Forthcoming F1 entrant GENE HAAS reveals his new driver signing

GeneHaas1Howdy race fans.

Gene Haas here, speaking to you from the United States of Hell Yeah. As y’all surely know, I’m spending every hour our dear lord sweet baby Elvis done send preparing my entry to the 2016 Formulation One world series. You better believe, we is gonna serve some home fried European lilywhite asses on a plate.

So that’s the catering taken care of, but y’all might be wonderin’ what ol’ Gene here is gonna do about drivers. Well, son, don’t you worry. This ain’t my first rodeo. I’ve been over 50,000 times and they promise to let me back in if I stop firin’ my gun at the signs. Hell, I digress.

Haas Formuliser One is a team as all American as Bud Light, baseball and fourteen pounds of possum meat in the western sector of my refrigerator. That’s why I’m proud to announce that my first driver signing is Ro-Main Growjeans from Franceland.

People say, Gene, why in God’s sweet name are you gonna let an unshaven, soft cheese communist into your righteous racing machine? Well, let me tell you, it was that or an Andretti. And ol’ Gene ain’t as dumb as the test results say.

You guys are just gonna have to trust me on this one, just as my half brother Bobby-Lee trusted me that when I said the pistol wasn’t loaded and, hell, he still got half his head don’t he?

Here at Haas Formulated One headquarters in the beautiful American state of Warwickshire, Englandland, we are now at full steam, largely thanks to a special importation of my patented burnin’ racoons in the steam machine. Smells like goddam freedom.

Let me tell you, our all-American dream machine is gonna fly thanks to its goddam spaghettihead engine and that garlic fucker at the wheel. I hope you pansy ass, tea lickin’, underpants-wearin’ European homo folks like the Star Spangled Banner cuz you’s gonna be hearing it a lot. That’s what the in-pit marching band is for.

Get ready to feel some deep fried American justice, Formulurisation One. Cuz as my daddy used to say; son, you sure put the ass in Haas.


Due to an error, this column was written by the wrong Gene Haas