Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Button splits with face hair

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

Button with his facial hair in happier times, yesterday

Button with his facial hair in happier times, yesterday

Jenson Button confirmed today that he has split up with his facial hair.

In an official statement the British driver said he had ‘tried for a long time to make it work’ but that in the end ‘it just wasn’t to be’.

Button had been on-off with his latest facial hair for over four years and in that time observers had often wondered how long he would last before realising it was basically just straggly bum fluff. It now seems the McLaren driver has had enough of looking like a student on a gap year or a shit impression of Chris Martin.

At present it’s not known what will happen to Button’s scrappy face fuzz although when he parted company with his previous facial hair it swiftly returned to the paddock with Romain Grosjean.

This week is not all bad news for British drivers and beards, however, as Max Chilton confirmed that two hairs have now appeared on his chin. Slowly.

With thanks to Richard Turton

Williams strategy secrets revealed

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 21st, 2014

An Williams, yesterday

An Williams, yesterday

Williams has revealed that its recent return to form is the result of re-training of the team’s race strategists using the world’s most complicated and unpredictable phenomenon – a Johnny Herbert interview question.

‘Sometimes a race can end in a way you didn’t expect when it started, just like one of Johnny’s questions,’ a Williams source explained. ‘By carefully analysing Johnny’s interview technique we were able to re-calibrate our race strategy protocols to adapt to surprising and inexplicable changes in pace, direction and focus, just as interviewees are forced to do when Johnny is grilling them.’

‘The main thing we have learnt by observing Johnny’s interview method is to be adaptable and never go too early with a possible reaction as the outcome is changeable and might not be known yet, even to the person asking the question,’ our source continued. ‘Of course, this can take far longer than is necessary and lead to a high level of confusion, but in those circumstances all we can do is hope that Damon Hill will look a bit puzzled and then change the subject.’

‘Well this is all rather marvellous,’ said Claire Williams cheerily. ‘Now, who wants tea and cake?’

With thanks to Richard Turton

Nico Rosberg around the world

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Last week Lewis Hamilton disparaged Nico Rosberg by saying he was ‘not German’. In fact, the British driver was wrong because German is one of 42 nationalities Rosberg holds. Here are some amazing facts about the world championship leader and how he is known in some of his many, many homelands.

- In Ireland, Nic O’Rosberg is a legend amongst small children. Parents tell their kids to get to their beds or they will be chased by a man wearing one glove with a watch drawn on the back of it.

- In South Africa Nicor Osberg is a similar character who scares small children by pursuing them, pausing only to take a real watch off a small pillow which he them puts on without question.

- If you live in Greece you will be very familiar with the folklore of Nicoros Berg, a strange man who is the patron saint of nice blonde hair.

- Over in Denmark, Nic Or Osberg is a popular playground game in which children decide whether to have a normal ear or one that sometimes looks a bit weird.

- If you grew up in Switzerland you’ll be familiar with the legend of Nicoro Sberg which means ‘man who claims to be from your country when it suits him’.

- In Slovakia, Nic Orosb Erg is a slang phrase which means, ‘Used to be friends with someone but not friends with them any more’.

- Finally, in Germany ‘Nicorosberg’ literally translates as ‘Monegasque bastard piggybacking on our World Cup glory’.

Maldonado gets own race series

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

Ahead of this weekend’s German Grand Prix, the FIA has announced that Pastor Maldonado is to be given his own race series.

‘All the teams have approached us at some point to complain about Maldonado damaging their cars with his idiotic antics on the track,’ explained an FIA spokesman. ‘So from now on, he’ll race separately in his own series where he can caper about smashing into things to his heart’s content.’

Under the new plan, Maldonado will ‘race’ his Lotus ahead of the actual Grand Prix, aiming to complete as many laps as possible. Typically, this we be about 17. He will be joined on the track by a gaggle of other expendable buffoons including Yuji Ide, Chanoch Nissany and Luca Badoer, all of whom he can collide with at will. The ‘winner’ will be one who stays out on the track for the longest and will be awarded a pouch of Capri Sun and a box of non-toxic crayons.

‘The crowd will love their inept blundering and the teams will love knowing it’s an old Mastercard Lola chassis getting bent again, not their proper cars,’ our FIA source explained. ‘This will be the ultimate spin off series. Literally. We’re thinking of calling it Formula Wank.’

Grosjean’s head ‘getting narrower’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, July 16th, 2014

Grosjeanheadshrink

Romain Grosjean in the future, yesterday

There was concern at Lotus today with news that Romain Grosjean’s head seems to be getting narrower.

‘It’s all a bit weird. I mean, he’s always had quite a narrow head, but now it’s definitely getting narrower,’ said one team insider. ‘At the start of the season he was sort of normal. Now he looks like Dean Gaffney. If this carries on, our computer models predict that by time we get to Singapore he could be mistaken for Nicholas Lyndhurst.’

‘We’re not sure why his head is getting narrower or if the narrowing affects his driving,’ our mole continued. ‘But on the plus side, it does make him more aerodynamic.’

There is no medical explanation for why Grosjean’s head might be getting narrower. However, one F1 doctor suggested that the French driver could be suffering from the opposite of a condition that once afflicted Lewis Hamilton in which his head got so big he had to leave McLaren.

 

FIA to ban more acronyms

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 11th, 2014

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

Following news earlier this week that the FIA is set to ban front-rear interconnected suspension (FRIC), F1 technical boss Charlie Whiting today issued a list of other items which may be prohibited in future.

The list includes frontal energy conservation kinematics (FECK), chassis optimisation control knuckles (COCK), baseline orientated low level outer curve kinetics (BOLLOCKS) and passively integrated slip sensors for longitudinal amplitude positionings (PISSFLAPS).

‘Banning these systems is sure to affect our winning pace but we must respect the decisions of the FIA,’ said a Mercedes spokesman. ‘After all, they are a council of united notables and technical superiors.’

Hamilton to use British accent

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 4th, 2014

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

As Silverstone prepares to host its 50th Grand Prix, Lewis Hamilton has agreed to mark the occasion by spending the whole weekend using his British accent.

The Stevenage-born driver’s British accent hasn’t been heard in full since 2010 and sources say he has spent the past week working with his engineers to make sure he doesn’t spoil the effect by suddenly saying ‘fricking’ or ‘totally’ as if raised in the well-known San Fernando valley area of Hertfordshire.

‘Lewis really wants his British accent to work this weekend,’ a Mercedes source revealed. ‘But it is a bit rusty since he’s spent so long now using other accents such as that one that makes him sound like a grumpy teenager from an international school.’

‘It would mean a lot to the Silverstone crowd if Lewis used his British accent,’ said Trosty Munge of the HamFan website. ‘But we fully understand if that’s too difficult and he has to go back to talking like an impersonation of an American done by someone who’s not very good at accents.’

‘Wait, Lewis Hamilton is British?’ asked one perplexed F1 fan. ‘We thought he was a Belgian who grew up in Hong Kong doing an impression of P Diddy.’

With thanks to Barrett Sutherland

Woman drives F1 car

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 4th, 2014

SusieWolffreferendum

A woman, yesterday

A woman has driven a Formula 1 car today, despite being a woman.

To everyone’s great surprise, her delicate bones were not crushed by the enormous pressures involved and, more remarkably, her tiny mind did not seem confused by the world passing rapidly in front of her pretty little eyes.

Naturally, the car broke down, almost certainly as a result of the woman’s lack of mechanical aptitude, but the woman was at least able to then park the stricken machine without backing it into another car, no doubt to the surprise of the watching menfolk!

To the relief of all concerned, the woman will not be allowed near the expensive and complicated car again for the rest of the weekend and hopefully will return to baking, sewing and thinking about kittens, as she should!

© All motorsport coverage

2014 British GP fact-o-fart

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 4th, 2014

Silverstone, yesterday

Silverstone, yesterday

This year’s race is the 50th time Silverstone has hosted the British Grand Prix, an occasion that will be marked with a special parade and the sound of weeping drifting on the wind from the general direction of Leicestershire.

The British GP covers a total of 190 miles or about the same distance as every visitor walks to find their car again.

Although the British Grand Prix is the home race for most teams, others travel from further afield such as Ferrari from Italy, Sauber from Switzerland and Force India from Justovertheer.

For this year’s race, the circuit’s owners have hastily painted over signs for some of the lesser known parts of the track such as Savile Bend, Hall Curve and The Rolf Straight.

An online petition has started to re-name the Silverstone Wing as ‘The Sir Jackie Stewart Building’. Signatories so far include ‘Sackie Jtewart’, ‘JY Stewart’ and ‘Rubens Barrichello’.

Amongst the new attractions for visitors this year is a small hemisphere full of moustache pictures and low moaning, dubbed ‘The Mansell-o-dome’. It has been described by those who have experienced it as ‘Well, obviously.’

For the past 10 years, British Grand Prix regulars have played their own version of ‘Where’s Wally?’ which, in this case, is called ‘Spot that lone bloke who turns up every year inexplicably wearing an Andrea Moda cap’.

Race organisers expect a crowd of over 120,000 paying spectators and around 130,000 minor celebrities milling about on the grid pretending to give a shit about F1.

Bad news for motorists trying to leave the circuit after the race as at least one lane of the A43 is expected to be closed while they clear away the rest of Pastor Maldonado’s car.

Wolff is cyborg from future

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

The Toto-1000, yesterday

The Toto-1000, yesterday

On the eve of British Grand Prix weekend, Mercedes has finally admitted that Toto Wolff is a cyborg sent back from the future to ensure the team’s success.

Inside sources revealed that the TOTO-1000’s mission is to hunt and take down anything that is a threat to Mercedes’ ability to win, such as the Renault F1-2014 engine, the McLaren MP4-29 and Stefano Domenicali’s career.

‘Yea man, this is totally frickin’ amazing,’ said Mercedes driver Lewis Hamilton. ‘I did wonder what was, like, going down when I saw him swapping his face in the gents, and this one time in the office when Niki had a drill to his head, but it’s all wicked man, yea, wikiwikiwahwah etcetera. Word.’

‘This is not a total surprise,’ added team mate Nico Rosberg, speaking in a separate room and city. ‘I had often thought he was unusually chatty and friendly. Now I know he is a merciless robot from the future rather than an Austrian, this makes total sense.’

Sources say the TOTO-1000′s ultimate goal is to destroy Adrian Newey’s career at Red Bull although it now appears he has been beaten to this job by Adrian Newey.

With thanks to Miles Cook