Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Domenicali ‘swapped for engine’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, April 15th, 2014

MercDomenicaliswapReports from Italy have confirmed that Stefano Domenicali did not resign from Ferrari as claimed yesterday and was actually used as a swap for a Mercedes engine.

‘The F14 T is not powerful enough,’ an insider confided to Sniff Petrol last night. ‘And the team was sick of Stefano capering about the factory doing impressions of Eric Morecambe rather than concentrating on new wind tunnel data and such like. This secret deal to swap him for a Mercedes engine solves both problems at once.’

Our Ferrari mole confirmed that a Mercedes V6 was covertly handed to the team this morning and will be installed in Fernando Alonso’s car prior to this weekend’s Chinese Grand Prix. ‘Fernando will stop at nothing to win so he gets the Mercedes engine,’ our spy explained. ‘Whereas Kimi doesn’t even know who he’s driving for and will be happy as long as there’s enough Grey Goose in his drinks bottle.’

In return for supplying an engine that isn’t total dog shit, the Mercedes GP team gets full ownership of bespectacled being-on-television enthusiast Stefano Domenicali to do with as they choose. Sources in Brackley recently admitted that the team was worried many of its senior personnel come across as Germanic and sinister during TV interviews and it’s possible they will appoint the affable Domenicali as official spokesman to mitigate those concerns.

However, it seems more like that the ex-team principal will be kept at the Merc factory and used by Toto Wolff for ‘experiments’.

That Domenicali resignation statement in full

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, April 14th, 2014

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Stefano Domenicali, yesterday

Stefano Domenicali today resigned from his position as team principal of Ferrari F1 with immediate effect. Here is his resignation statement.

“It is with some sadness that I must announce my decision to be ordered to resign from Scuderia Ferrari.

It has been clear for some time that the team is underperforming in many important areas such as being a guest on race preview programmes, popping up during grid walks and magically appearing next to pundits during post-race analysis.

It was my job to undertake those tasks but I became distracted with less important matters such as running the team and trying to make the car work properly. As such, I take full responsibility for not appearing on Formula 1 television coverage as constantly as I would have liked.

I wish my replacement every success in having a casual chat with Martin Brundle on the grid or sidling up to Suzi Perry and David Coulthard in the pit lane.

Following my resignation I look forward to spending some more time with my family of television crews.”

Red Bull apologises for ‘Mark spec’ part

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, March 24th, 2014

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Daniel Ricciardo, yesterday

Red Bull has apologised to Daniel Ricciardo after admitting that he was disqualified from the Australian Grand Prix as a result of having a ‘Mark spec’ fuel flow meter.

‘The mechanics were tired from getting the car ready, they heard an Aussie accent in the cockpit, without thinking they fitted the Webber-grade part,’ admitted an insider. ‘That is  to say, a part that isn’t as good as the one on the other car and can be used to punish Mark if he dares to beat Sebastian.’

Red Bull sources say that the race was already in progress by the time they remembered that Mark Webber no longer drives for them and there is no need to engineer-in reliability glitches or strategic failures in order to enact an ongoing series of crushing disappoints and public humiliations.

‘Daniel is new to the team and we must do everything we can to support him at this early stage,’ a Red Bull source said.  ‘If he’s faster than Seb we’re certainly not going to crush his spirit…yet.’

Williams appoints male test driver

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, February 27th, 2014

A man, yesterday

A man, yesterday

Williams has announced that male driver Felipe Nasr will act as the team’s test and reserve driver for 2014, becoming the first man to fulfil this role since 2013.

Nasr, who is Brazilian and a man, was 2011 Formula 3 champion, thereby becoming the first male to win this title in 2011.

The 21 year old male driver will drive in five practise sessions during the season, during which he will surely hope to show that being a man is no barrier to participating in top level motorsport.

Asked if he thought being a man would affect his new role in any way, Nasr replied, ‘What a ridiculous question. Why are you asking me that?’

Williams has also confirmed that Susie Wolff will remain as the team’s development driver for 2014 even though she is a girl.

© All motorsport coverage

New F1 points system is go!

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, January 24th, 2014

Something needlessly complicated, yesterday

Sniff Petrol has exclusively gleaned further details about the controversial points system changes for the 2014 F1 season and the alterations are more complicated than first expected.

Alongside the already contentious decision to award double points at the last race, an FIA source confirmed that the new scoring system will award half points at the first race, one third points at the third race and ‘some old shit Bernie’s made up in desperation’ at other races during the season.

Although exact details have yet to be released, it’s believed that at the Monaco GP all points will have a zero added to the end to reflect what happens to bar prices when the F1 fans arrive in town, at the US race there will be a ‘wall of points’ and the top three will score according to which number they can hit with their podium Champagne corks, while for the Spanish Grand Prix all available points will be awarded directly to any TV viewers who can stay awake to the end.

Finally, at the new Russian Grand Prix the top ten drivers will be awarded the same number of points as their newly chosen racing numbers. ‘Awww, shit,’ said Daniel Ricciardo. ‘What!?’ shouted Adrian Sutil. ‘Oh, I see. Great!’ he added, slowly putting down the glass.

The new points system is now certain following this week’s meeting of team bosses at which everyone was shown a picture of some money and told to keep their fucking mouths shut. Probably.

F1 unites following sad news

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

The Formula 1 community came together this week to express its great shock and deep sadness at the news that Marussia has retained Max Chilton for 2014.

‘I just can’t believe this tragic news,’ said one senior F1 insider. ‘It’s events like this that really make you glad for the people around you and cause you to thank God that none of them are Max Chilton.’

Anyone wishing to express their sympathy can visit the Marussia factory to leave cards, flowers or messages. But not money. They’ve now got enough of that for another year.

Eddie Irvine sentenced again

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, January 10th, 2014

Eddie Irvine, yesterday

Eddie Irvine, yesterday

Just hours after receiving a six month prison sentence for an incident in a Milanese nightclub, Eddie Irvine has been sentenced to a further 18 months’ incarceration for crimes committed during his time in Formula 1.

A court in Milan has served the additional sentence after hearing allegations against Irvine that include:

- Claiming to be better than other drivers (even though he wasn’t)
- Wearing those wrap-around sunglasses that instantly make you look really annoying
- Mistakenly believing that ‘Irish’ is an automatic synonym for ‘charming’
- Knobbing about in a speedboat with no shirt on looking really pleased with himself
- Shagging

Italian sources say that Irvine is expected to serve at least some of the new sentence in a Milanese prison which he will then buy, fill with marble and an integrated sound system, and then sell on for a profit.

In a statement, the Northern Irish driver completely ignored the recent news and just went on and on about how brilliant he is.

Schumacher news latest

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

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The outside of a hospital, yesterday

Doctors monitoring the state of reporting on Michael Schumacher’s condition said today that the news has entered ‘a repetitive state’ and is showing early signs of banality.

‘During the critical 24 hours immediately after Schumacher’s accident the news was in a state of high interest and able to draw on new facts to sustain itself,’ noted doctor in charge of news, Dr Ian Chargeofnews. ‘But since then I’m sorry to report we have seen a significant slump into what is medically known as the idioticus speculationus or ‘nothing to report’ state. During this phase the mouth of a television news reporter may be moving and noises may be coming out but nothing of any use or interest is emerging.’

‘This is a worrying but stable phase,’ Dr Chargeofnews noted. ‘However, it can very quickly descend into something more dangerously crass known medically as The Daily Mail which can bring extremely nasty complications such as intrusive photographs of Michael Schumacher’s family leaving the hospital and badly researched articles about why skiing is dangerous.’

Meanwhile, the team treating Michael Schumacher has confirmed that the seven times world champion is ‘in a good place’, chiefly because he doesn’t have to read or listen to all the idiotic news coverage about him.

McNish to stop being Scottish

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, December 17th, 2013

Allan McNish not being Scottish, yesterday

Allan McNish not being Scottish, yesterday

There was shock in motorsport today as Allan McNish announced that he is to stop being Scottish.

The world championship winning driver said ‘now is the time’ for him to stop pretending to be from north of the border and that he will cease using words such as ‘aye’ and ‘wee’ with immediate effect.

McNish’s path to becoming Scottish started in 1981 when he competed in go kart racing. ‘This was an era when drivers like Jim Clark were still fresh in the mind,’ the driver explained, using his natural Home Counties accent. ‘So if people thought you were Scottish they assumed you were quick.  It was a different time when phrases like “if you want to get speed, hire someone from Dumfries” were still commonplace. This was before David Coulthard of course.’

McNish went on to enjoy great success as a Scotsman, most notably at the Le Mans 24 hour race. ‘I have so many great memories of being Scottish,’ the driver reflected. ‘I’ve eaten loads of porridge, I’ve drunk a lot of Irn Bru, I’ve been to several weddings wearing a kilt.’

However, the popular driver confessed that affecting a Scottish accent and demeanour hasn’t always been easy; ‘There have been some dark times too,’ he admitted. ‘Having to pretend you don’t mind cold weather, the endless phone calls from Jackie Stewart when, to be perfectly honest, I hadn’t got a clue what he was saying. Oh aye, it’s no’ been easy… Sorry, force of habit.’

Those rejected F1 rule changes in full

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, December 11th, 2013

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

The FIA has announced details of rule changes for the 2014 F1 season including fixed numbers for drivers throughout their careers, a new five second race penalty and double championship points awarded in the season’s final race. However, whilst these new rules have been accepted by teams and drivers, many proposed changes were rejected. Here are the new rules that will NOT be adopted next season:

- Loud music played in heavily branded room to cover stilted conversations amongst top three finishers.

- Post-race watches limited to diameter of no more than 60 centimetres.

- One championship point deducted every time a driver uses the words ‘for sure’ in a TV interview.

- Five championship points for any driver who passes Maldonado without sustaining bodywork damage.

- Stefano Domenicali limited to 100 TV appearances per race weekend.

- Christian Horner banned from starting the answer to any question by saying ‘Yea no’.

- Raikkonen awarded one point for every time he manages to construct and complete a sentence.

- Jenson Button to clear his throat.

- Drivers permitted to have sponsors’ logos tattooed onto face and tongue.

- Racing to take place on interesting tracks that allow overtaking.