Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

F1 man ‘to be sold soon’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, October 8th, 2015

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

Rumours flying around Formula 1 this week suggest that Bernie Ecclestone could be sold in its entirety before the end of the year.

The stories follow remarks made by Ecclestone himself in which he claimed there were ‘several’ interested parties, though he declined to make up some names to make this seem more plausible.

‘There are certain people who might be interested in buying Bernie Ecclestone,’ said antiques expert Anne Teeksecks-Pert. ‘For example, a collector of hideous dolls or someone looking to complete their compendium of evil dwarves.’

However, Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine was less certain. ‘I think there’s one type of person who would buy Bernie Ecclestone in its entireity,’ he said. ‘And that’s a collector of ghastly little pricks who just say things to cause trouble.’

Gene Haas on… his new driver

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, September 30th, 2015

Forthcoming F1 entrant GENE HAAS reveals his new driver signing

GeneHaas1Howdy race fans.

Gene Haas here, speaking to you from the United States of Hell Yeah. As y’all surely know, I’m spending every hour our dear lord sweet baby Elvis done send preparing my entry to the 2016 Formulation One world series. You better believe, we is gonna serve some home fried European lilywhite asses on a plate.

So that’s the catering taken care of, but y’all might be wonderin’ what ol’ Gene here is gonna do about drivers. Well, son, don’t you worry. This ain’t my first rodeo. I’ve been over 50,000 times and they promise to let me back in if I stop firin’ my gun at the signs. Hell, I digress.

Haas Formuliser One is a team as all American as Bud Light, baseball and fourteen pounds of possum meat in the western sector of my refrigerator. That’s why I’m proud to announce that my first driver signing is Ro-Main Growjeans from Franceland.

People say, Gene, why in God’s sweet name are you gonna let an unshaven, soft cheese communist into your righteous racing machine? Well, let me tell you, it was that or an Andretti. And ol’ Gene ain’t as dumb as the test results say.

You guys are just gonna have to trust me on this one, just as my half brother Bobby-Lee trusted me that when I said the pistol wasn’t loaded and, hell, he still got half his head don’t he?

Here at Haas Formulated One headquarters in the beautiful American state of Warwickshire, Englandland, we are now at full steam, largely thanks to a special importation of my patented burnin’ racoons in the steam machine. Smells like goddam freedom.

Let me tell you, our all-American dream machine is gonna fly thanks to its goddam spaghettihead engine and that garlic fucker at the wheel. I hope you pansy ass, tea lickin’, underpants-wearin’ European homo folks like the Star Spangled Banner cuz you’s gonna be hearing it a lot. That’s what the in-pit marching band is for.

Get ready to feel some deep fried American justice, Formulurisation One. Cuz as my daddy used to say; son, you sure put the ass in Haas.


Due to an error, this column was written by the wrong Gene Haas

Lotus signs agreement with worse engine maker

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, September 28th, 2015

A Lotus F1 car, yesterday

A Lotus F1 car, yesterday

Lotus has signed a letter of intent to secure less good engines for the 2016 season.

The agreement to sell to Renault will allow the Enstone-based team to get rid of the powerful Mercedes motors it currently uses and replace them with the proven disappointment of French power units once described by Red Bull’s Christian Horner as, ‘Wah wah wah, these are rubbish, wah wah wah, it’s not fair.’

‘Under Renault control and with Renault engines, we could realise the full potential of disappointingness,’ said an insider. ‘Especially in the hands of Mr Crashy.’

Sources say that if Renault power does not deliver the worse results the team is looking for, they are prepared to look at more radical options under a secret plan known as ‘Project Honda’.

F1 accidents to continue in 2016

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, September 22nd, 2015

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

Lotus is to retain Pastor Maldonado for a third season, saying that they believe the Venezuelan driver remains ‘on the money’.

‘We know we can bank on Pastor,’ said a team spokesman. ‘We love his great yen to pound the track at the Euro races and his pace, oh, it’s top dollar.’

The team admits that Maldonado doesn’t always return the car in one piece but they are confident he can ‘keep it in check’.

‘Yes, Pastor has made the odd paying-in slip,’ our source admitted. ‘But in the end, he always delivers. Usually in a plain black briefcase.’

‘Of course there are critics who say we should let a younger, faster, less shitter driver have a go,’ our mole confessed. ‘But there are lots of reasons why Pastor should keep his seat. 20 or 30 million of them, in fact.’

Rosberg determined to almost win

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, September 11th, 2015

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Despite a disappointing DNF in last Sunday’s Italian Grand Prix, Nico Rosberg says he remains ‘totally focussed’ on coming second in the 2015 drivers’ championship.

‘I did it in 2014, and I know that if I keep my mind on the prize, I can be the second placed driver again this season,’ the German-Finnish-Monegasque driver insisted in a new interview with Every Other Sunday online. ‘I mean, I don’t want to sound boastful, but I truly believe that I am one of the second best drivers in Formula 1 right now.’

‘For sure, getting to stand on the second step in the world championship is partly down to luck,’ the Germ-Fin-Mongoose racer admitted. ‘But sometimes you make your own luck. It’s in my hands to make the disappointing start, to spend too many laps failing to overtake a slower car, to get on the radio and moan about everything, and for sure I know I can do these things.’

Rosberg denied that in his fight to be almost the winner of the F1 title he looks to the racing achievements of his father, such as third place in the 1985 world championship. ‘It’s not something I think about because, you know, my dad had good times and bad times too,’ the Germo-Finlandic-Monocoque driver insisted. ‘I mean, this one season he was first place in the championship. God, I hope that never happens to me!’

12 ways to know you’re a real F1 fan

Posted in Motorsport, News by Buzzfact Clickbayte on Thursday, September 3rd, 2015

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

While Sniff Petrol is on holiday, drivel correspondent BUZZFACT CLICKBAYTE came up with this shit. 

1. You enthusiastically watch motor races that are Formula 1.

2. When people ask if you like Formula 1, you say ‘Yes. I do like Formula 1.’

3. You actually know what the F in ‘F1′ stands for.

4. When you see the French hotel chain Formula 1 you think, ‘Oh look, that has the same name as the motor racing series I really like, which is also called Formula 1′.

5. You refer to ‘The Chain’ by Fleetwood Mac as ‘The Chain by Fleetwood Mac which is also used as the music for the BBC Formula 1 coverage’.

6. You can’t drive through Birmingham without thinking a little bit about Nigel Mansell.

7. Even during the off season you refuse to move from in front of the TV on a Sunday afternoon in case some Formula 1 happens.

8. You don’t just know the surnames of the drivers in Formula 1, you also know their first names.

9. You only go on holiday to places like Monaco, Spa and a very boring industrial estate in Russia.

10. You cancelled your holiday to Germany just to be spiteful.

11. You often shout ‘FORMULA 1’ at the moment of sexual climax

12. You have an enormous back tattoo of Sebastien Bourdais.

2015 Belgian GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News, Trentham Sleaves by Sniff Petrol on Friday, August 21st, 2015

A look forward to this weekend’s race with F1 journalist and irritating tit TRENTHAM SLEAVES

trenthamsleaves1What do you think of when you think of Formula 1? For me, F1 is sharing a drink with a dear friend like Alain, or hearing an old mate like Mika quipping ‘I’m sorry, who are you?’, or enjoying the humour of a great chum like Fernando asking security to remove me from the building again. But when I think of F1, I also think of tracks and none more so than Spa.

The modern tracks like China and Russia are of course wonderful and I completely agree with everything about them, but there’s a spirit to an old timer like the great lady Spa which you simply cannot replicate. As you stand in the distinctive split level paddock, as I was earlier today, you can literally smell history in your nostrils and its heady aroma intoxicates you in a way that you simply cannot understand unless you are actually which I think I’ve already made clear, I am.

Of all the old tracks, I would say that Spa is my favourite, alongside Silverstone and Monza and Interlagos, which are also my favourites. One of the things I like about this place is the chance to pop into Spa itself, as I did last night, and visit a charming little Italian trattoria off the beaten track, the name of which discretion prevents me from mentioning. It really is a locals’ haunt and you’re well advised to steer clear unless you, like me, are able to order in Belgian. As I feasted on my spaghetti di water and sunglasses with a side plate of postage stamps, I reflected on some of the great victories that Spa has seen from some of my great friends like Davey, Mikey and of course dear departed Ayrty.

Later that evening as I strolled through the town, I happened upon another Spa winner in the form of a certain British world champion turned Sky TV pundit who I will not name. I tapped him on the shoulder and, with typical wit, he shouted ‘I’ve told you, leave me ALONE!’ and then pushed me into some railings. Priceless!

As to who will take the legendary chequered symbol of success here in the typically variable conditions of old mistress Spa, I think it’s without question a rock solid bet that it will be a Mercedes, or a Ferrari or Red Bull with the possibility of a Williams surprise. Whatever happens, you can rest assured that I will have a nice, dry yet front row seat for all the action.

Because remember, I’m here and you’re not.

Recipe corner

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, August 11th, 2015


PastaMaldonado– 150g of penne pasta
– 1 onion
– 1 garlic clove
– 125g cherry tomatoes
– 1 tbsp olive oil
– A pinch chili flakes
– 75kg carbon fibre
– 750bhp cream cheese
– Salt and chequebook

Preparation method
1. Bring a large pan of salted water to the boil, add the pasta and cook for 12 minutes. Be careful not to scald yourself… Ouch! Oh God, that burns!
2. Meanwhile finely chop the onions… Oh, shit! I’ve just stabbed myself in the face!
3. Next heat the oil in a large, deep frying pan… Oh Jesus H Christ, the whole kitchen’s on fire…
4. Continue to be allowed to cook for another season.

Recipe by Neil Batt



Russia to let Kvyat see parents again

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 27th, 2015

Where Mr & Mrs Kvyat live, yesterday

Where Mr & Mrs Kvyat live, yesterday

After Daniil Kvyat’s sensational second place in the Hungarian Grand Prix, Russian president Vladimir Putin has personally authorised for the Red Bull driver to briefly see his parents again.

‘Daniil has brought great pride to Russia,’ said a Kremlin spokesman. ‘And as a reward for finally delivering on what was requested of him, his parents will be released temporarily from their shackles and allowed to leave the Strevaboksit bauxite processing facility so that they may enjoy a short amount of time with their son.’

Sources in Russia say Kvyat will spend up to 20 minutes with his parents after which he will be reminded that if he continues to bring great F1 glory to Russia, he will be allowed to see them again and perhaps even speak to them. As an additional bonus, if he performs well in October’s Russian Grand Prix, he can have some bits of his dog back.

‘Daniil is great example of a Russian in Formula 1,’ said our top-ranking government source. ‘Way better than that last idiot. The only reason he is still alive is because he has has promised to lend the president some of his Michael Jackson tapes.’

“Top man”

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 21st, 2015

Not a day to be making jokes. Watch this instead.