Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Russia to let Kvyat see parents again

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 27th, 2015

Where Mr & Mrs Kvyat live, yesterday

Where Mr & Mrs Kvyat live, yesterday

After Daniil Kvyat’s sensational second place in the Hungarian Grand Prix, Russian president Vladimir Putin has personally authorised for the Red Bull driver to briefly see his parents again.

‘Daniil has brought great pride to Russia,’ said a Kremlin spokesman. ‘And as a reward for finally delivering on what was requested of him, his parents will be released temporarily from their shackles and allowed to leave the Strevaboksit bauxite processing facility so that they may enjoy a short amount of time with their son.’

Sources in Russia say Kvyat will spend up to 20 minutes with his parents after which he will be reminded that if he continues to bring great F1 glory to Russia, he will be allowed to see them again and perhaps even speak to them. As an additional bonus, if he performs well in October’s Russian Grand Prix, he can have some bits of his dog back.

‘Daniil is great example of a Russian in Formula 1,’ said our top-ranking government source. ‘Way better than that last idiot. The only reason he is still alive is because he has has promised to lend the president some of his Michael Jackson tapes.’

“Top man”

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 21st, 2015

Not a day to be making jokes. Watch this instead.

 

 

 

 

McLaren announces new Top Trumps

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, July 8th, 2015

The McLaren MP4-30, yesterday

The McLaren MP4-30, yesterday

McLaren has announced a new version of popular card game Top Trumps, based around its never-popular MP4-30 racing car.

In a twist on the normal game, all the cards are the MP4-30, but at various points in its turgid and unsuccessful life. As with normal Top Trumps, players must then pick from a category such as ‘number of replacement engines’, ‘lap on which it retired’ or ‘number of collisions with own team mate’.

In another unusual twist on the Top Trumps format, the object of the exercise is to get out of the game as quickly as possible, and long before anyone else who is playing.

The first person to do so must then give a depressing interview in which they attempt to put a brave face on their successful failure whilst secretly planning the day when they deliberately walk dog shit into Ron Dennis’s office.

British GP lets down fans

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 6th, 2015

Silverstone, yesterday

Silverstone, yesterday

British motorsport was plunged into crisis today with news that yesterday’s British Grand Prix gave British people nothing to moan about.

‘It was a total disaster,’ complained huge F1 enthusiast, Hugh-Jeff Wanenthusiast. ‘I was looking forward to having a right old moan about how a Brit can’t even bloody win his home grand prix, and then Lewis Hamilton went and bloody spoilt it.’

‘It was the weather what ruined it for me,’ grumbled motorsport lover Moe Tersport-Luvre. ‘I don’t pay a massive amount to attend the British Grand Prix in the sunshine. When the rain started I thought, oh good, something to moan about. But then it just made the racing more interesting and quickly cleared up in time for the end. A bloody shambles, it was. I ended up having to stab myself in the leg with a greasy spork just to have something to whine about.’

Other fans say their weekend was ruined by the traffic getting in and out of Silverstone. ‘I used to come to this race in the ‘90s and I have fond memories of getting stuck in a terrible jam for over seven hours and then moaning about it,’ said Damon Hill fan, Damon Hillfan. ‘So you can imagine my disappointment when actually the traffic was relatively well managed and barely inconvenienced us. What is this bloody country coming to when we can’t even do logistical incompetence properly? In the end, I was so desperate to have something to moan about, I had to push a copy of the Sunday Express up my anus.’

Silverstone sources say they received over 4000 complaints from British people complaining that they had nothing to complain about. ‘We can only apologise,’ said a spokesman. ‘But there really was nothing for a British person to complain about at the race.’

‘Um, I’m not sure I agree with that,’ said British motorsport follower Jenson Button.

2015 British GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News, Trentham Sleaves by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, July 3rd, 2015

F1 journalist and utter dicknozzle TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks ahead to this weekend’s race

trenthamsleaves1The Formula 1 circus travels all over the world but there is something unique and special about the British Grand Prix because this is, quite simply, as close as the sport comes to being at its spiritual home. Most of the teams are British or employ British people or used to have a British driver or have been to Britain before, and you can feel that sense of homecoming in the unique atmosphere of the paddock, something that can be experienced only by being here, which of course I am.

What is it, you might wonder, that makes F1 such a British sport? I was able to pose that exact question to my old mate Jenson Button who I bumped into after standing outside his motorhome for 40 minutes. ‘Oh God,’ he quipped. ‘You again!’ As ever, Jens proves himself to have a marvellous sense of humour! One could say that’s a British trait in itself, as indeed is ordering your security people to remove me from the area!

I was able to reflect a little more in Britain’s vital role in the pinnacle of motorsport as I dined alone last night at my favourite little Italian place in Towcester. Modesty forbids me from mentioning its name and suffice to say you would struggle to get a table anyway, unless you know the owner or have visited before or they’re not very busy. It also helps if you can order in Italian, which of course I can. As I savoured my spaghetti with chicken and chips and a coffee poured over it, I spotted a certain well known 1996 British champ walking past and dashed out of the restaurant to ask him for his views on our nation’s role in Formula 1. ‘Oh God, I thought my lawyers had warned you about this!’ he jested. Such a wonderful sense of humour! Definitely a trait as truly and typically British as, for example, shouting ‘restraining order’ and then getting into a taxi.

As to who will take the infamous chequered flag at this weekend’s all-important race, I think it’s pointless to mince words at this point and I will come out and say I believe Mercedes will win it, or Ferrari, or perhaps a Williams, and don’t discount a Red Bull surprise. Suffice to say, whatever happens at the British Grand Prix I will have a great view of all the action.

Because remember, I’m here and you probably are as well. But I have a nicer seat.

McLaren told to go back and ‘do it properly’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, June 22nd, 2015

The McLaren MP4-30, yesterday

The McLaren MP4-30, yesterday

There was more bad news for McLaren today as the FIA insisted it must go back to the Austrian Grand Prix and ‘do it properly’.

‘We’ve had enough of those two McLaren idiots mucking around and yesterday was the final straw,’ said an FIA spokesman. ‘You’ve got Button giving up after hardly any laps and then doing interviews using that pretend serious voice that doesn’t match the words he’s saying, and don’t get us started on young Mr Alonso’s idiotic stunt driving shenanigans.’

F1 insiders say the sport’s bosses have rejected claims from McLaren that the car ‘really is that shit’ and are insisting that they return to the Red Bull Ring to have another go at running race distance ‘without being silly’.

‘We weren’t born yesterday. McLaren is a world championship winning team with two world championship winning drivers,’ said one high ranking official. ‘They don’t seriously expect us to believe they’re that useless or that their engine is complete crap. I mean, my wife has a Honda Jazz and it never goes wrong. They’re just not applying themselves at all and pretty soon I shall have to write to their parents.’

Unfortunately, due to cumulative grid place penalties applied for changing the engines again, the McLaren duo’s re-run Austrian race must start from halfway through the Canadian Grand Prix.

2015 Austrian GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News, Trentham Sleaves by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, June 19th, 2015

Horrendous F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks ahead to this weekend’s race. Or at least, tries to.

trenthamsleaves1There is a unique atmosphere in the paddock here at the Red Bull Ring which you simply cannot experience unless you are here, which of course I am, and as I watched the sun setting over the illustrious track I was able to reflect on the time that I met Chris Evans and we got on extremely well with a marvellous chemistry that I think would be worth bearing in mind.

This track has of course seen a great deal of action over the years and a fair few name changes as well, whereas I have always kept the same name and I’m sure Chris remembers that and will be able to find the business card I gave him during our memorable encounter at Wisley North services on the A3 back in 2004.

As I wandered last night around the perimeter of the track I found myself reflecting on the greats that have raced here and pondering for a moment on what a good place this would be to shoot my audition tape, though of course I’m sure such a thing will be a mere formality as I am a close and personal friend of Chris’s and I’m certain he remembers as fondly as I do the delightful quips we shared that spring evening as I noted that, between his classic Ferrari and my Audi A4 Avant, we had ‘the makings of a Top Gear road trip’ to which he replied, ‘I’m sorry, I have to go!’ Such a fabulous sense of humour, and one I would enjoy working with, but which I would also complement with my extensive experience of guest appearances on television and radio, as well as many years of print journalism, Chris.

As to who will take the legendary black and white flag here in Austria, I will come right out and say that I think the Mercedes will have it though you wouldn’t discount Ferrari or Williams or even Lotus but that the real winner will be my old mate Mr Christopher Evans who will undoubtedly know that he has found his next co-presenter as soon as he watches my video so don’t forget to watch my video Chris me old pal, hahahaha!

Whatever happens, rest assured that I will be on the edge of my seat. Because remember, I’m auditioning for Top Gear and you’re not. Except for the millions of you who are. Shit.

Our guys’ weekend was super crazy and cool

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, June 16th, 2015

Dozens of stag parties and other groups of men descended on Le Mans last week. Here, a typical attendee talks us through his weekend away.

“So my job kind of sucks and my boss is kind of an idiot so when my buddies Earl and the Tandster said we should go for, like, a guys’ weekend in Le Mans I was like, for sure.

So I went to France and when I got there, for sure I couldn’t believe it. The guys had rented a Porsche! And they had, like, written our names down the side and next to them were little flags to show what country we were from. It was like super hilarious and cool, for sure.

So I’m like driving around Le Mans in the Porsche and the atmosphere is, like, super amazing and for sure people are knowing my name ‘cos of the stickers on the side and they are shouting things like, ‘For sure, drive faster N. Hulkenberg of Germany’ and even though there was, like, this dick in some kind of Audi trying to get on my ass, I was having a totally super cool time, for sure.

So then the drinking started! Oh boy! My buddy Bamber, for sure he must have put away, like, over two litres of isotonic sports drinks in less than one hour! Later, the Tandmonster had, like, this protein shake and I was like, down in one! And, for sure, he did drink most of it pretty quickly. It was like super crazy and cool at the same time, for sure. I think Bamber went a little mad ‘cos later he had to go and have a lie down, and I did also, and when I woke up it was dark and that was pretty cool also, and then I drove the Porsche in the dark and it was super exciting, for sure.

The next day was also totally awesome and the guys were like taking turns driving the Porsche and then I was, like, can I have one last go? And they were like, for sure, and so I did, and it was super amazing and people were cheering and I was like, this is the best weekend ever, and then I stopped and the guys had a trophy which was, like, super crazy incredible and it said something like ‘winner of Le Mans 24hrs 2015’ but I think what it really said is, best friends forever.”

Alonso buys Mercedes engine

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, June 10th, 2015

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

McLaren morale dropped again today with news that frustrated Fernando Alonso has bought himself a Mercedes engine.

‘Mercedes sell customer engines, so Fernando has become a customer,’ explained a source close to the Spanish driver. ‘It’s being delivered tomorrow and then he’ll insist the team fits it to his Mp4-30, even if it makes the engine cover a bit lumpy.’

The installation of a Mercedes engine to Alonso’s McLaren is certain to change the tone of radio messages the former champion relays to his pit wall during the race, moving from ‘there’s a funny noise and everything’s stopped working’ and ‘What do you mean save fuel? If I go any slower I’ll be stopped’ to more upbeat communications such as ‘It’s saying mode 2, could you look in the manual in my bag in the motorhome to see what I do next?’ and ‘There’s a blue light come on with, like, a picture of a desk fan or something, can you run down to the Merc pit and ask them what it might mean’.

Meanwhile, beleaguered Jenson Button has yet to follow his team mate in buying a Mercedes engine but is said to be more optimistic about his pace in the next Grand Prix having just picked up some Toyo R888s off eBay.

Concern grows for Whitmarsh

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, June 8th, 2015

Martin Whitmarsh, yesterday

Martin Whitmarsh, yesterday

Concern is growing for ex-McLaren boss Martin Whitmarsh following reports that he ‘just can’t stop laughing’.

Friends of the former team principal say the ‘uncontrollable mirth’ began around 15 March and has been coming and going in waves ever since, subsiding to a ‘general chuckle’ in the week and peaking at ‘full blown howls of derisive laughter’ which typically happen ‘every other Sunday or so’.

Doctors say they are yet to find the cause of Whitmarsh’s constant and uncontrollable laughter. ‘We have asked him if it relates to something in his past,’ admitted one medic. ‘But that just seems to make him laugh harder’.

Whitmarsh himself is said to be incapable of explaining what is making him laugh for so long and with such glee, only getting as far as an ‘M’ sound before exploding into fits of giggles.

‘We are no closer to finding out why he’s been so amused since the early hours of a Sunday morning in March,’ admitted one senior doctor. ‘Although I have just spoken to a colleague in Woking who reports seeing a mild version of the same condition suffered by a Mr Magnussen.’