Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

New Formula E ideas

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, September 16th, 2014

Some Formula E, yesterday

Some Formula E, yesterday

Days after the inaugural Formula E race in China, organisers have revealed plans to use the enormous amount of time before the second race of the season in November to make the electric race series more interesting.

‘Basically Baz forgot to pack more than one foreign plug adaptor and it’s going to take about two months to charge up all the cars,’ admitted a senior source within the new formula. ‘But the good news is, that’ll give us loads of time to bring in even more fan interactivity.’

‘The whole “fan boost” thing was an idiotic idea but it seemed to pass by unnoticed in the race,’ our mole continued. ‘So what we’re thinking now is, maybe it wasn’t idiotic enough.’

According to our source, concepts so far discussed at Formula E HQ include letting fans vote on which driver has the cockpit of their second car filled with custard or which driver must come in to change their car and also to change into a costume that makes them look like a massive cartoon eagle. Also suggested is a live online participation exercise in which Karun Chandhok is forced to shout the word ‘FLAPJACK’ whenever a certain number of Tweets is reached, even if he’s giving an interview or discussing set-up with his engineer at the time. There will also be a Facebook vote to decide which driver will try to kill Nick Heidfeld.

‘We’ve got loads more ideas,’ claimed our insider. ‘Most of them involving gunge and funny costumes. What we’re aiming for here is basically a motorsport version of It’s A Knockout. Has anyone got a number for Stuart Hall? What? He’s where…?’

F1 teams react to FIA radio ruling

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, September 11th, 2014

An F1 race, yesterday

An F1 race, yesterday

F1 teams have reacted immediately to the FIA’s decision to ban ‘driver performance’ radio messages during races with at least one senior figure calling it ‘loco 7 at X4, as discussed.’

Another race engineer was equally outspoken, calling the decision ‘warm 5 is max and smooth for go strat 8 to 9, repeat smooth for go strat 8 to 9.’

However, a source at another leading team was more cautious, noting that the ruling was ‘green to 12J for seven, the blue cow is sitting on nine leaves. Sitting. On. Nine. Leaves.’

Meanwhile, a well-known senior figure from an Oxfordshire-based team took a different view. ‘Oh Jesus,’ he sighed. ‘I’m going to have to give Felipe written instructions.’

 

 

 

 

New Toto TV show on soon

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, September 8th, 2014

Toto on the set of his new show, yesterday

Toto on the set of his new show, yesterday

First details emerged today of a new daytime TV talk show entitled Toto in which an avuncular Austrian host presides over domestic disputes in the manner of a Terminator-voiced Jerry Springer.

Toto aims to cover a wide range of inter-personal problems with hard-hitting headlines such as ‘My partner doesn’t obey team orders’, ‘We used to be friends but a world championship got in the way’ and ‘What part of “move over” doesn’t he understand?’

Host Toto Wolff will attempt to adjudicate and calm the often-heated debate with help from his regular sidekick, No Bullshit Niki, who will intervene if matters get too highly charged by stomping onto the set in a red cap and an anorak and repeatedly swearing at the participants, even though the programme transmits at 3pm and he promised not to.

Those who have seen early episodes of Toto say the eponymous host is a great choice of presenter with his pleasant but commanding manner and his distinctive catchphrase, ‘It’s time for a commercial break but don’t worry… I’ll be back’.

Toto starts this week with an episode entitled, ‘I think my partner misses his chicane’.

 

2014 Italian Grand Prix preview

Posted in Columns, Motorsport by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, September 5th, 2014

trenthamsleaves1F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks forward to this weekend’s race

If Formula 1 has a home it’s surely here in la bellisima ambiente of Monza. Standing in the paddock, as I was earlier today, one can almost literally smell the history in the air and taste the sweet dolcelatte of heritage.

I remarked as much to my old mate and multiple Monza winner Damon Hill just yesterday as we walked together down the pit lane. ‘I’m sorry I don’t know what you’re talking about!’ he quipped and then he pretended he needed to speak to someone in the Caterham pit and walked off! Damo has always had, as the locals might say, un senso dell’umorismo fantastico!

Of course, all eyes are on the ongoing battle between my mate Lewis Hamilton and his great rival, and my great friend, Nico Rosberg. It’s pretty clear to me that Lew and Nic won’t be giving each other una centimetre when the lights go out on Sunday. That makes life tricky for my old chum Niki Lauda who I caught up with inside the Mercedes motorhome yesterday morning. ‘How have you got in here again?’ he jested. ‘This is bullshit. Get out!’ he added. As they say around here, molto comico!

Last night as I dined alone in Huang’s, something of a legend in F1 circles and simply the finest ristorante Chineseo in the whole of La Lombardia, I had time to reflect on the legacy of my dear old friend Ayrton Senna who lost his life 20 years ago just a few hundred kilometres from here at a different track.  There’s not a day goes by when I don’t think of dear old Ayrt and I’m sure the feeling is mutual.

As for this Sunday’s race, it would be foolish to speculate on who might take the infamous flagio chequred but you wouldn’t bet against Mercedes or Red Bull although Ferrari could surprise on terreno di casa as could Toro Rosso and you wouldn’t discount Williams or Force India. Whatever happens, I’ll have una posto primo for all the action.

Because remember, I’m here and you’re not.

More F1 disappointment

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, September 5th, 2014

Jean Todt, yesterday

Jean Todt, yesterday

There was disappointment in Italy today as an all-F1 charity golf tournament was ruined by the removal of all the tricky aspects of the course.

‘The bloke I was playing with smacked one off the first tee and straight into a bunker,’ said one mechanic who played in the competition. ‘Except the ball just bounced back into the fairway because the FIA had covered the bunker with planks of wood.’

‘Later on my opponent duffed a sitter of a shot just when things were getting interesting and pinged it into the rough,’ our insider continued. ‘Except it wasn’t the rough, because the FIA had covered it with a thick strip of concrete allowing the ball to roll harmlessly back onto the fairway as if nothing had gone wrong.’

According to our informant, worse was to come on the 17th hole. ‘It’s a tricky par three on this links course and my rival looked like he’d sliced it right out into the water,’ he explained. ‘Except the FIA had somehow managed to cover the entire sea in a vast layer of high grip tarmac allowing him to easily play back onto the green without penalty.’

‘I just don’t understand it,’ our man reflected. ‘It’s almost as if the people in charge of Formula 1 haven’t got a sodding clue what makes a sport interesting.’

Claire Williams in leaked photos shock!

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, September 2nd, 2014

Claire Williams, yesterday

Claire Williams, yesterday

There was shock in F1 today as Claire Williams became the latest high profile person to have their iCloud photo stream hacked.

Sources say a number of ‘highly personal’ pictures were placed in the public domain including candid photographs of Ms Williams’ jugs, which she was filling with home made lemonade at the time, a blurred snap of her puppies, a lovely Labrador and a golden retriever, and a revealing close up of a gash – a superficial piece of metalwork damage to the lower rear door of an Italian hire car which she conscientiously photographed for insurance purposes.

Most shockingly, those who have seen the hacked photo stream say it contains several photographs of Ms Williams holding a semi-erect member (of her team who had suffered sunstroke during free practise in Bahrain), cupping a pair of balls (before a Friday afternoon football match she had organised at the factory) and playing with some flaps (on the rear wing of a Formula 1 car which was on display at her charity bake sale in Oxfordshire).

The leaked pictures are also believed to contain at least one photo of a tit, standing next to his team mate Valtteri.

 

 

Eight amazing Max Verstapp-o-facts

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, September 1st, 2014

Max Verstappen, yesterday

Max Verstappen, yesterday

16-year-old Max Verstappen has attracted a great deal of attention after bagging a drive with Toro Rosso next season and then twatting one of their cars into a wall. But what else is known about the young Dutch driver? Here are some incredible Max facts (that are not true).

Max’s full name is Maximum.

If you invited Max to a party on the 5th, he would turn up on the 3rd.

Like many 16 year olds, Max often bickers with his parents over minor chores such as being made to tidy his room, visit his grandparents or compete in the 2014 European Formula 3 championship.

When Max prepares a pizza that takes 12 minutes to cook, he takes it out of the oven after eight minutes.

Whenever he filled the family car with petrol, nostalgic dad Jos would get young Max to set him on fire.

Max has already started doing a degree even though he hasn’t done his whatever the Dutch equivalent of GCSEs are.

Max’s commitment to motorsport has left him precious little time for activities normally favoured by teenage boys such as masturbating, drinking cider in the park and masturbating.

Unlike his dad, Jos ‘The Boss’ Verstappen, Max has yet to acquire a nickname that rhymes with his first name. ‘We’re a bit stumped,’ said a spokesman. ‘Although there might be something in his weird physical ability to receive a bitmap document of text or images transmitted over a telephone line.’

That Rosberg punishment in full

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, August 29th, 2014

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Mercedes says it has ‘disciplined’ Nico Rosberg for colliding with Lewis Hamilton during last weekend’s Belgian Grand Prix. Exclusive to Sniff Petrol, here are the details of his punishment.

- Must spend next calendar month referring to Lewis Hamilton as ‘Tron du Awesome’.

- Must swap Mercedes SL63 AMG for A180 diesel and is ‘forbidden’ from using the air-con even if he is ‘really sweaty’.

- Must agree to have official FIA entry name for Italian GP changed to ‘Nipple Cockberg’.

- Must undertake unpleasant new viral video task entitled ‘The Mice Bucket Challenge’.

- Must agree to eat one item made by each sponsor, even if they are a company which sells something that will taste awful such as Petronas or Monster.

- Must change ring tone to sound of Niki Lauda repeatedly shouting ‘BALLBAG’ through a trombone.

- Must give up ticket for forthcoming team away-day to World Of Owl.

- Must not to drive into team mate like a stupid twat.

Lotterer still going in Belgium

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, August 29th, 2014

Andre Lotterer, yesterday

Andre Lotterer, yesterday

There was surprise in Belgium today following news that Andre Lotterer has finally got his Caterham going again and is now furiously lapping the Spa track, ignoring pleas from his team to stop.

‘We’ve radioed to tell him the race finished ages ago but he just keeps shouting “It’s a marathon, not a sprint”,’ revealed a Caterham insider. ‘Also, he keeps asking where the switch for the headlights is.’

‘He does come into the pit every so often,’ our source continued. ‘But he doesn’t hear us telling him the race is over because he’s too busy demanding that someone cleans the windscreen. In the end we got someone to mime rubbing a manky-looking cloth over a vast, highly curved screen just to shut him up.’

‘A few minutes ago he radioed in and said he was doing a double stint,’ our mole added. ‘Then he asked us to apologise to Marcel and Benoit. No one knows who he’s talking about. We think he might have gone a bit mad.’

UPDATE: Reports from Belgium say Lotterer’s car has now ground to a halt after the driver insisted on brimming the tank with diesel.

Right, now no one is getting ice cream shouts Wolff

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, August 28th, 2014

Wolff driving back from Spa, yesterday

Wolff driving back from Spa, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg are not getting any ice cream now and there’s no point crying about it. That’s the decree of exasperated Merc F1 boss Toto Wolff following a tense journey back from the Belgium Grand Prix this week during which the two drivers were said to have ‘bickered constantly’ in the back seat of the overloaded GL63 whilst Wolff was ‘trying to concentrate on the road’. As a result that afternoon’s promised sweet treat was eventually withdrawn as the car passed Bruges.

Mercedes insiders say Wolff was so exhausted by the ‘very naughty behaviour’ that he has now placed this weekend’s promised outing to Chessington World of Adventures under threat unless the two drivers are on ‘best behaviour’ and do their part to ‘help tidy up the factory’.

Team sources say this week’s back seat battling began almost as soon as Wolff’s Mercedes left the Spa circuit as Hamilton was heard to shout, ‘Totoooo. He’s saying he did it deliberately again.’ Rosberg then countered by claiming that Hamilton was ‘pulling faces’ and kept ‘bringing up the accident’ as Wolff was trying to negotiate the one way system in Spa town centre.

Our spies say even the withdrawal of ice cream privileges was not enough to stop the drivers fighting and Wolff was eventually forced to call Uncle Niki who told them to ‘stop this bullshit’ and warned that the next one to speak would ‘get the unlucky car’ for Monza.