Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Exclusive! Hamilton contract details revealed

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 1st, 2015

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

As Lewis Hamilton prepares to sign a new deal with Mercedes, Sniff Petrol has obtained exclusive details of what’s in the British driver’s next contract.

Contract of employment between Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula 1 (hereafter referred to as ‘The team’) and Lewis Carl Davidson Hamilton (hereafter referred to as ‘L Ham Diddy boyeeeee’)

Yearly contractual requirements as follows

– 31 million US dollars (to be referred to at ALL TIMES as ‘Benjamins’)

– 31.1 million hats

– 31.2 million slightly different beard designs

– DO NOT let me get back with her

– One item of ostentatious gold jewellery per race

– No seriously, if she calls say I’m in the bath

– Larger and more ridiculous sunglasses

– If she turns up to a race, just tell her I’m not there or something

– 40.2 million hashtags

– Emergency noise cancelling machine in case she turns up and starts speaking

– #blessings (various)

Vettel books in with finger physio

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, March 30th, 2015

Sebastian Vettel, yesterday

Sebastian Vettel, yesterday

Buoyed by their surprise victory in the Malaysian Grand Prix, newly-confident Ferrari have booked Sebastian Vettel into an intensive session with his finger physio.

‘If we have won once, we can win again,’ noted the team’s staff and driver wellbeing manger, Stefan Driverwellbeingmanager. ‘And if that’s the case, we can’t risk Seb’s finger being in anything but peak pointing fitness.’

Team insiders say the intensive finger training regime is as a result of fears that Vettel’s finger is out of practise. ‘Of course Seb has used his finger since joining Ferrari,’ admitted one insider. ‘But only for light work such as to accompany him saying “Excuse me, is this the way to the canteen?” or “Hey, who left this pile of vodka bottles here?”.’

Ferrari insiders say the intensive finger training regime is a sign of a new-found attention to detail inside the factory. ‘We cannot leave anything to chance,’ admitted one high ranking source. ‘And if this doesn’t work, I guess we’ll just have to sack everyone and start again. Again.’

Ecclestone plan progresses

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, March 23rd, 2015

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

With the cancellation of this year’s German Grand Prix, microscopic doll’s hairstyle enthusiast Bernard Ecclestone has moved a step closer to his ultimate goal of really, really pissing off F1 fans.

‘Bernie’s dream is that by 2021, F1 fans are really, really pissed off,’ revealed an FOM insider. ‘And one of the ways he can achieve that is by getting rid of all the races at tracks they like. Silverstone, Monza, he’s hoping to do something about those too. Think of a race you like. He’s probably doing his best to bin it. Unless you like slow processions around industrial estates plastered in Rolex logos, in which case, knock yourself out.’

‘I can’t say what Bernie’s next move will be in his plan to really, really piss off F1 fans,’ added our mole. ‘But suffice to say, if any country wants to force him pay $100m to make a legal problem go away, he can certainly look at ways to knacker their Grand Prix.’

F1 team bosses demand fairness

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, March 19th, 2015

Christian Horner, yesterday

Christian Horner, yesterday

Rival F1 team bosses have today issued an extraordinary request to be allowed to spend the night with Christian Horner’s fiancé.

The remarkable ‘indecent proposal’ follows Horner’s complaints about the disparity in performance between Mercedes and other engines, including the Renault MalheureusementTech unit used by Red Bull. ‘You don’t hear Christian complaining about how many Spice Girls he gets to see in the buff do you?’ grumbled one anonymous team principal. ‘Well the rest of us aren’t happy about it and we believe the FIA should intervene to level the playing field between those of us who get to bump their bits against a Wannabe hit maker and those of us who don’t’.

The disgruntled team bosses have yet to outline how exactly they would implement a plan to ensure everyone had a fair crack at getting jiggy with a Spice Girl, especially since it might require buy-in from other former members of the hit girl group. ‘We’d definitely look at getting in the other Spice Girls, for the good of the sport,’ said one insider. ‘And dividing them up could be easier than you think, especially as Peter Sauber said he’d even consider an evening of zig-a-zig-ah with Sporty Spice and ‘wouldn’t kick her out of bed for singing one of her solo records’.’

The efforts to divide Spice Girls between team bosses in the name of ‘fairness’ is further simplified by the exemption of Claire Williams, who wasn’t part of discussions as she was hosting a charity bake sale that day, and Monisha Kaltenborn, who should not be allowed near any ‘90s pop stars in case she accidentally promises them a drive.

McLaren finishes Australian GP

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, March 16th, 2015

Jenson Button, yesterday

Jenson Button, yesterday

According to reports from Australia this Monday morning, Jenson Button has finished the Australian Grand Prix.

The British driver is understood to have brought his McLaren home only 24 hours after the rest of the pack, just missing out on a points scoring position. Unfortunately, Button would have been ineligible for points anyway as team sources admit his race took so long he was forced to stop during the night ‘for petrol and a piss’.

Nonetheless, McLaren bosses are said to be delighted that the MP4-30 made it to race distance, even though there was ‘quite a lot of smoke’ coming out of the back, it was making ‘a funny noise’ and they are ‘pretty sure the VTEC is broken’.

The scale of Button’s achievement in finishing the Aussie GP is not to be underestimated, especially since authorities in Melbourne were obliged to re-open the street circuit to normal traffic last night. According to onlookers, this left Jenson ‘trudging around’ amongst tourists and commuters, ‘like one of those nutters who takes 72 hours to do the London Marathon dressed as a massive anvil’. Sources say the phlegm-voiced racer used remarkable focus to continue whilst surrounded by normal road cars, most of which overtook him.

Help for struggling F1 team

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, March 2nd, 2015

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

The controversial topic of assistance for struggling F1 teams is set to rear its head again today as Formula One Management meets to discuss possible help for ailing back-marker McLaren.

‘It’s hard not to feel sorry for McLaren,’ admitted an FOM insider. ‘The car is terrible, their new driver is pulling a sicky and, given the sound of his voice, the other chap still has a cold.’

F1 bosses will meet to discuss ways in which they might help McLaren, perhaps offering technical assistance to make their engine work for more than 20 minutes or intervening to stop Fernando Alonso continuing with his ‘no win, no fee’ claim for whiplash caused by an accident at work.

‘At the very least perhaps we can help out by trying to find them a proper sponsor,’ our insider admitted. ‘Given the pace of the car, we wonder if Mastercard would be interested.’

F1 fans reveal outdated views

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, February 27th, 2015

Carmen Jorda, yesterday

Carmen Jorda, yesterday

Following news that Lotus is to hire Carmen Jordá as a development driver, Formula 1 fans once again revealed age-old prejudices and outdated views as they took to the internet to criticize the Spanish driver simply because she is shit.

‘In 2015 a driver should not be singled out simply for being shit,’ said gender studies professor Jen der Stoodeez-Prohfessah. ‘These people would not even think of saying these things if Carmen Jordá was good, why do they say them simply because she is shit?’

‘This shows how much work F1 still has to do at beating prejudice,’ Prof. Stoodeez-Prohfessah continued. ‘It would be nice to think that we had all moved on from childishly focusing on irrelevant details about someone such as their woeful record in GP3.’

Lotus also jumped to defend their new signing after a rough ride from fans. ‘It is offensive and completely irrelevant to focus on Carmen’s lack of ability,’ said a team spokesman. ‘She has joined the team to do a job, and that job is to get photographed looking attractive in our overalls’.

Alonso doc delivers bad news

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, February 24th, 2015

Dr Ernando Falonso, yesterday

Dr Ernando Falonso, yesterday

Following his accident in testing two days ago, Fernando Alonso must stay in hospital for ‘at least another nine months’ according to his personal physician, Dr Ernando Falonso.

Speaking to reporters in an unusual and inconsistent accent, Dr Falonso said that his patient was suffering from ‘many, many conditions too complex to explain here’, adding that these unspecified illnesses were ‘definitely not worth asking any further questions about’.

Dr Falonso went on to explain that he had written a personal letter to McLaren insisting that the Spanish driver remain on ‘full pay’ but that under no circumstances was he to be ‘made to drive a McLaren F1 car at any point’ and added that, as a doctor, he personally prescribed ‘contract termination’ in or around November 2015.

According to a statement in Spanish released by Alonso this morning, the driver was ‘really disappointed’ at news that he will not be able to take part in the 2015 season. ‘Oh no, I’ve just realized something!’ the statement concluded (in Spanish). ‘This means I won’t be able to drive that car! Oh well! Good luck Jenson!!!!’

F1 freeze on facial hair

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, February 20th, 2015

An F1 beard, yesterday

An F1 beard, yesterday

Formula 1 bosses are attempting to bring more consistency to the sport by decreeing that all drivers must stick with one style of facial hair throughout the season.

‘It’s not popular with the fans when drivers change their facial hair all the time,’ said racing spokesman Ray Singh-Spowksmunn. ‘Imagine you’re a Jenson Button fan, for example. You’ve just perfected the straggly bumfluff look, exactly like your hero, and then he turns up at a race clean shaven. Or you really admire Fernando Alonso’s Three Musketeers beard and you’ve copied that, only to find he’s stopped trimming it and now looks like a sex pesty wine shop owner. That’s the sort of facial hair shenanigans we want to stamp out.’

In light of the new ruling, drivers are now under pressure to select their 2015 facial hair style before the season starts. Sources at Mercedes say Lewis Hamilton is likely to persist with ‘Amish Craig David’ whilst Nico Rosberg may adopt a radical style he calls ‘my dad in the ‘70s’.

Drivers who have already committed to a facial hair style include Romain Grosjean, who will stick with his existing ‘gap year student’ style, Felipe Massa, who will opt for ‘swarthy waiter’ and Max Verstappen, who hasn’t started shaving yet.

Ferrari making good progress on excuses

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, February 12th, 2015

The Ferrari S-FIST, yesterday

The Ferrari S-FIST, yesterday

Ferrari says it has made ‘great progress’ in developing its 2015 excuses.

‘There is still a long way to go,’ admitted a team insider. ‘But we wanted to say here and now that we have some excuses ready and we believe we will turn up in Australia in a good position to explain away a shitty, shitty start to the season.’

Sources say Ferrari’s pre-season excuse development has focused on areas where they are weak, such as admitting that they made a mistake, whilst building on elements where they are traditionally strong, such as blaming others and whining to the FIA.

‘We have never had so many excuses ready to go, so far ahead of the first race,’ boasted a second insider since the one we were talking to earlier in this story has since been sacked. ‘And once the excuses are sorted, we should have time to do some more work on the merchandise. Oh, and maybe the car.’