Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

FIA decides Vettel punishment

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 4th, 2017

The FIA logo, yesterday

After a special meeting on Monday to review Sebastian Vettel’s actions during the Azerbaijan Grand Prix, the FIA has concluded that the German driver is to be punished by having to read everyone’s opinions of his punishment on the internet.

‘We have carefully studied Sebastian’s incident with Lewis Hamilton in Baku,’ explained FIA spokesperson Effy Hay-Spowkespersson. ‘And we feel the most appropriate penalty we can impose is to sit him in front of a computer and make him read the endless self-righteous pontificating of armchair blog bores.’

‘Yes, we know this is extremely severe,’ Hay-Spowkespersson continued. ‘But we hope that Sebastian will have time to reflect on his recent behaviour as he slumps in front of a laptop scrolling through an apparently infinite number of self-elected experts relentlessly wanking on about bringing the sport into disrepute.’

Sources within the Ferrari team say Vettel could appeal against the FIA’s decision to make him read an unstoppable tide of pompous opinions and may ask for a less terrible punishment such as a race ban, licence suspension or being allowed to claw his own eyes out with a fork.

Yea, I murdered a homeless guy. So what? by Sebastian Vettel

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, June 27th, 2017

Hi guys! Four time world champion Seb Vettel here! So hey, yea, I murdered a homeless guy! So what? But somehow apparently this is ‘naughty’ and I am penalised for it! The world has gone so crazy! It’s just a totally normal thing that happens, ja? Why all the angry faces? Come on guys, it’s just the brutal slaying of a vagrant!

Look, the guy was totally testing me! Oh for sure, all the evidence says otherwise, but I know what happened and that dude totally deserved to lose his life in a needless street assault! Hey, come on guys, no big deal, it was just cruelly robbing another human of life!

You know, for sure, I was so shocked at all the fuss that at first I didn’t even know what everyone was talking about! What cold blooded stabbing of a tramp, I said? I mean, come on, this sort of thing goes on all the time! Are we really going to punish anyone who, maybe in the heat of the moment, casually knifes a rough sleeper in the back and then lets him bleed to death! Wow, what kind of example does that set for our sport! Are we truly going to say, no guys, don’t get into a late-night argument with a homeless man in an alleyway and then mercilessly extinguish his humanity with a flick knife?!

You know, for sure, we all do crazy things sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we should be punished every time we act in the heat of the moment whether it’s stabbing a homeless man, as I did, or shanking a shop assistant, which I also did! What? Oh come on, you can’t be ruling against that too? Jeez, lighten up guys!

Before you ask, no I won’t be talking to the guy I killed and I certainly won’t be apologising. That’s because he’s dead! But if I could speak to him I would say, hey, maybe next time you should think twice before doing nothing wrong whatsoever!

Why are you arresting me? Fuck off Charlie!

Indy 500 won by Takuma Sato?

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, May 30th, 2017

The Indy 500, yesterday

This weekend’s Indy 500 has been won by Takuma Sato. Wait, sorry, what, THE Takuma Sato? The legendary race was no, forgive me, just to be absolutely clear, we’re talking about the same Takuma Sato? Used to be at Jordan, right? Can someone double check this?

In a gripping 200 lap race, Sato took the lead just, no, again, sorry, just have to be clear on this; Takuma Sato who used to drive for BAR? Really? Wow. Well, erm, that’s something. Are we sure?

In a race which saw a spectacular lap 53 crash between Jay Howard and Scott Dixon, and retirements for big hitters including Ryan Hunter-Reay, Sato kept a level head and, no, look, really, this isn’t the same Takuma Sato who drove for Super Aguri, he must be, like, a million years old and when did he become any good? Seriously? God, well that’s a turn up for the books. Definitely Takuma Sato? No, no, fine, honestly, just checking. It just seems, you know, a bit unlikely. If you promise this isn’t a wind-up? Fine, okay.

Things didn’t work out so well for high profile rookie Fernando Alonso as the Spanish driver retired on lap 179, but there was better news for another familiar F1 name as fourth place was taken by Max Chilto… OH COME ON

Alonso ‘won’t stop talking about American things’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, May 11th, 2017

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

There was unrest in the McLaren pit today with news that Fernando Alonso won’t stop talking about American things.

‘Oh my God, it’s so boring,’ complained one anonymous team insider. ‘All he keeps saying is “did you know in America they do this” and “hey, you know in America they don’t do that” and then rolling down his overalls so that everyone can see that while he was in America he bought an Empire Strikes Back T-shirt.’

Sources say the Spanish driver has been walking around the paddock in Barcelona telling anyone who will listen about a film he saw while in America and which “isn’t out here for ages” and showing off his new Transformers toy which “you can’t get in the shops here”.

Spies inside McLaren hospitality add that the double world champion was seen at breakfast today loudly explaining that American cereal ‘has marshmallows in it’ before adding, ‘you know they call fizzy drinks “soda”, it’s so cool’.

‘Frankly, I think a lot of what he’s saying isn’t even true,’ grumbled one senior McLaren insider. ‘I mean, he even claims that in America their Honda engines work properly.’

Britain to decide on 8 June

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 19th, 2017

McLaren, yesterday

In a surprise move, Prime Minister Theresa May has called for Britain to decide if it is going to keep supporting McLaren.

Setting a deadline of 8 June, Mrs May made it clear that the country must ‘commit to its support’ of the once-good team or abandon that support and ‘just, you know, think about buying a Williams T-shirt or something’.

‘Mrs May wants to move forward with a clear mandate from the British people,’ explained political analyst Paul Itticalan-Alicst. ‘Do we admit that McLaren are just terrible now and not worth the heartache or do we keep rooting for the team and maintaining a clear policy of saying things like, “No, really, I hear they’ve got some more engine updates coming for the next race”?’

The date of 8 June is significant since it follows the Monaco Grand Prix and the brief return of Jenson Button, filling in for Fernando Alonso while he takes his despair break in America. ‘If the British people can’t get behind the team after that,’ admitted one Westminster insider. ‘We probably have to admit that they’re basically just Arrows with a sense of entitlement.’

Following last year’s referendum result, it is believed that the British people will narrowly vote not to support McLaren and will shift their loyalties to other great British teams such as Cooper or Connaught.

 

Alonso to miss more races this season

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 13th, 2017

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Following yesterday’s news that Fernando Alonso will miss the Monaco Grand Prix to race in the Indy 500, McLaren have given details of the other races the Spanish driver will sit out, and the reasons why.

‘Fernando has suddenly realised he is quite busy with other engagements this year,’ admitted senior McLaren spokesman, Señor MacLaren-Spohksman. ‘In fact, the more he’s driven the MCL32, the more commitments elsewhere he seems to have remembered.’

The team today confirmed that, fresh from his Indy experience, Alonso will also miss the Canadian Grand Prix because he’ll be driving in a WRC event in Sardinia, the Azerbaijan race because he’ll be driving in a NASCAR race in California, and the Austrian GP because he’ll be driving up the M6 to Stoke-on-Trent to see his old mate Peter Wilson which has been in the diary for ages and, sorry, he really can’t get out of it.

Sources say Alonso will also miss the British Grand Prix because he has a friend’s wedding, the Hungarian Grand Prix because it’s Ruben Barichello’s 48 hour Dempsey & Makepeace marathon that weekend, and the Belgian Grand Prix because he really wants to watch the Belgian Grand Prix on telly. He will also sit out the Spanish Grand Prix because he has ‘a lot of friends coming in town’ that weekend.

In total, Alonso is expected to miss 18 races in the 2017 season, or 19 if you include the Chinese race which he has already wiped from his mind. A replacement for the absent Spanish driver has yet to be confirmed.

‘Oh no, my mobile phone and iPad and all other means of communication have fallen off my yacht and into the sea,’ said Jenson Button, yesterday. ‘Oh look, here comes a carrier pigeon…’ he added.

F1 bosses to start controlling the weather

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, April 11th, 2017

Following last weekend’s surprisingly entertaining Chinese Grand Prix, Formula 1’s new bosses have decided to improve the action at all subsequent races by taking control of the weather.

Insiders are convinced the weather played a big part in the success of the Chinese race, leading to memorable moments such as Giovinazzi blowing Sauber’s overdraft and Sergio Perez making one of his occasional withdrawals from the talent bank.

‘We were really impressed with how things panned out in China,’ said an F1 source. ‘So from now on all races will have a dank fog on the Friday that cancels practise and then some pre-race rain on the Sunday.’

Formula 1 management will achieve their new atmospheric moisture-based aim using a special weather controlling machine which they found in Bernie Ecclestone’s lock-up, hidden behind a pile of allegations that it would be inadvisable to repeat.

‘Bernie never deployed the weather machine to make racing better because there was no money in it,’ explained an insider. ‘So he just kept it for his own amusement, by which I mean using it to annoy Jackie Stewart.’

I think there was a Formula E race last weekend

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, April 3rd, 2017

Sniff Petrol Formula E correspondent C.T. Center reports on all the recent racing action

I think there was a Formula E race this weekend just gone.

The race, which took place in a city somewhere (I think), was actually two (?) races, taking place on the same day (CHECK).

The first race was probably won by a driver whose name will be familiar to F1 fans whilst, in the second, the chequered flag was almost certainly taken by someone else you have heard of from some other form of motorsport (NB: REMEMBER TO GOOGLE THIS).

This weekend’s results probably means a change in the Formula E drivers’ championship, if they have one. It’s also good news for at least one of the teams in the constructors’ title, assuming there’s one of those, such as those road car companies that are entering now, I think.

With the 2017 season – which I seem to remember started last year? – really hotting up, the action now moves to another place (?) but only after a weirdly long gap.

F1 to debut extra-wide car option

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, March 30th, 2017

How the extra-wide car compares, yesterday

There was bad news for F1 fans today as the sport’s bosses announced plans for teams to use their ‘extra-wide’ cars at the next race.

‘The extra-wide option car is an overlooked part of the new regulations for 2017,’ explained a Formula 1 insider. ‘It’s basically the same car, but much, much wider.’

‘The extra-wide option was created to really hammer home the three key goals of the new season,’ our source continued. ‘That is to say, maximum grip, minimum overtaking and making people say, “oooh, don’t the cars look bigger this year”.’

Sources say the introduction of the ‘extra wide’ cars has been hurried forward to next week’s Chinese Grand Prix in response to concerns that the Australian race accidentally allowed one or two overtaking moves.

‘I suppose it’s up to us to provide some kind of closing punchline for this story,’ sighed a spokesman for McLaren. ‘Fine. Oh wow, I hope they hurry up and bring in a rule about using your extra-slow car.’

George Osborne to supply F1 engines

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, March 17th, 2017

George Osborne, yesterday

There was shock in F1 today with news that George Osborne is to become McLaren’s engine supplier.

The weak-faced, have-you-been-swimming-haired MP is to supply hybrid V6 power units for the Woking-based team with immediate effect, despite having no experience whatsoever of designing and building extremely complicated competition engines for top-level motorsport.

‘George Osborne hasn’t the first clue how to make a high-revving internal combustion engine engine allied to a sophisticated energy recovery system,’ said one critic. ‘But, in fairness, he’ll still do a better job than Honda.’

‘That’s exactly the sort of predictable punchline you’d expect from someone with no relevant experience,’ said a source, speaking after the announcement that the new Sniff Petrol editor is George Osborne.