Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

British people to get Button referendum

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, June 28th, 2016

Jenson Button, yesterday

Jenson Button, yesterday

The government has confirmed today that the British public will be given a vote on whether Jenson Button stays within the McLaren team in a controversial poll already dubbed ‘Buttxit’.

‘For too long JB has had to live under the restrictive regime of the failing McLaren organisation,’ explained a spokesman for the Buttxit camp. ‘Every year McLaren pays Jenson £10m and if we vote Leave that money could be spent on the NHS or some other fictional claim we’re going to renege on immediately.’

‘JB needs to take back control and regain his sovereignty,’ the Buttxit spokesman continued. ‘Although what I’m really doing is using meaningless statements to mask the fact I secretly hate Ron Dennis.’

‘The Buttxit camp talk about all the benefits of leaving McLaren,’ countered a leading Jenstay campaigner. ‘But these are all highly theoretical and there is no guarantee of an increase in punditry, Le Mans drives, and being able to open a Honda dealership like Derek Warwick.’

‘Experts are already warning that a Buttxit could set the team back 50 years,’ noted a McLaren insider. ‘Which would be a welcome performance boost for us.’

Crystal Maze to return

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, June 22nd, 2016

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Cult TV game show The Crystal Maze is to return for a celebrity special starring musician, social media star and occasional racing driver Lewis Hamilton.

In the new show, Hamilton will be strapped into a fast moving car and told to work out which of the many switches on the steering wheel is on the wrong setting. He will be encouraged in his task by other members of his team who will be able to talk to him through an earpiece offering extremely vague and ultimately useless advice.

After Hamilton’s debut, the new series of Crystal Maze will continue with appearances by Daniil Kvyat, who will start a task and then get moved to another one halfway through, Sebastian Vettel, who will do well at the task until a seagull is released into the room, and Nico Rosberg, who will make a complete arse of the very simple task of getting out of a racing car.

11 amazing Bakufacts

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, June 16th, 2016

This weekend F1 goes to Azerbaijan for the first time. Here are some amazing facts about the country that is determined to be in Europe for some reason

Baku, yesterday

Baku, yesterday

5. Azerbaijan is famed for its love of Formula 1. ‘Formula what?’ said one local we spoke to, fanning himself with vast reserves of oil and natural gas.

102. Other things Azerbaijan is famous for include yeast, geese and extremely high quality human rights violations.

vii. The history of Azerbaijan is described as ‘many layered’, largely thanks to its time as part of the Soviet Onion.

b. Other major events hosted by Azerbaijan in recent times include the Eurovision Song Contest, the European Games and the All Caspian Dog Flicking Contest.

This: Baku is named after the Persian word for creating a duplicate of your computer’s hard drive onto a separate storage device.

0. The old town of Baku contrasts with the modernity of the new city including its internationally acclaimed Museum Of Modern Arse.

x. Cities twinned with Baku include Naples (1972), Sarajevo (1975) and Ipswich (admin error).

M. Baku is famed for its high winds, hence its local nickname, ‘Cat Penis’.

5. One part of the track is narrower than intended after some idiot built a 12th century tower on it.

5. The Baku circuit is designed to take in as many of the city’s attractions as possible, including Government House, Seafront Boulevard, and The Square of So Many Prostitutes.

5. When Baku was looking for a race ambassador they were lucky enough to sign up Fernando Alonso after discovering that he literally doesn’t give a shit any more.

Alonso in existential crisis

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, June 14th, 2016

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Concern grows for Fernando Alonso today as sources say the Spanish driver’s ‘Can I stop now?’ radio during the Canadian GP was in fact a wider philosophical question.

‘Fernando seems to have having an existential crisis,’ admitted one McLaren insider. ‘For example, the other day he walked into the garage, pointed at a sign, said ‘What does this mean?’ and then sighed. We told him it was just the notice that said there was fuel in the car, which we thought he would know already. It’s only later we realised his question was of a metaphysical nature.’

‘Then there’s the whole interview we had to pull last weekend,’ our source continued. ‘The interviewer’s first question was just, ‘What do you think of your season so far?’ But Fernando started mumbling that he was ‘just driving round and round in circles’ and then closed his eyes and went to sleep.’

Team insiders are still mystified as to the cause of Alonso’s personal and professional ennui but say there may be a clue in this haiku, found scrawled on the wall of his motorhome;

Spring mist brings new hope
The crow is over the sea
Shitty shit engine

Ricciardo left waiting in reception

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, June 1st, 2016

Daniel Ricciardo, yesterday

Daniel Ricciardo, yesterday

There was more trouble for Red Bull today as Daniel Ricciardo was left waiting in the factory reception area for five times as long as normal.

‘We knew Daniel was coming in,’ explained a team spokesman. ‘But the receptionist thought he said he was here to see Mr Toft and then as Mr Toft was on his way down, we realised Dan was actually here to see Mr Touper-Toft and that meant a bit of a delay while we found him at the back of the factory.’

The Australian driver’s woes were compounded by the appearance of Lewis Hamilton who arrived and was able to go straight into a meeting for the first time in a while.

McLaren – 50 years in F1

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, May 26th, 2016

The 1966 Monaco Grand Prix was McLaren’s very first Grand Prix. This weekend is the 2016 Monaco Grand Prix. You can probably work out the rest. Here are some of their most memorable moments from 50 years in the sport

1966: McLaren make their Formula 1 debut at the Monaco Grand Prix with a new car, called the M2B. The team also announces a sister car called the M4H which is much harder.

1968: Bruce McLaren secures McLaren’s first F1 championship win at the Belgian Grand Prix. He becomes the last person to win an F1 race in a car with their own name on the badge. Apart from the brief period in 1984 when Keke Rosberg got shitfaced and accidentally changed his name to Dave Williams-Honda.

1974: McLaren win their first F1 championship thanks to Emerson Fittipaldi and his famous (more…)

Rally report special – May 2016

Posted in Motorsport, News by Bob Bulhat on Wednesday, May 25th, 2016

Sniff Petrol rally correspondent BOB BULHAT reports on recent special stage action

Rallyreport516The race for the Global Euro Rally Championship title really hotted up this weekend as the series descended on the dusty landscape of the Coup de Soleil for the famous Rally d’Asthma.

Championship leader Harri-Barri Plattomattonnen set the early form in his RallyeMax Extreem Total Xiom Citroen DS3 GERC K2 but he quickly had former team mate Leppi Hjovolovonovonen in the Rapscilon Racing Castrol ExtremeSport Citroen C2 GWRX Max R3R hard on his tail, just nine minutes behind after some electrifying action in the first 27 stages.

However, on the challenging 28th stage in the Domaine du Dust disaster struck Hjovolovonovonen when a collision with a gatepost caused his car to roll over six times, losing him an agonising five hours as he and co-driver Bob Stott re-built the front suspension with their bare hands, dropping them down to third.

This allowed Bjorn-Benny Grohnobolpolonosson in the Mikelsson X-treim FlyingTurtle Shell T-Max Citroen Xsara WCRC Junior N2-L R to move up into second place, a position he cemented with a series of blistering performances on stages 30 to 57 in the Forest di Hypothermea, despite two punctures and an end-over-end roll into a gulley which saw Grohnobolpolonosson and co-driver Ken Stubbs forced to dismantle the entire engine with their teeth, costing them a valuable 19 hours.

Less fortunate was former world champion Gunnerston Matterplappersonnersonn who hasn’t driven in any rallies this season but is doing this one for some reason and who had managed to get his Onsport Maxrun Hatstand Badger Plinth List of Unconnected Words Citroen BX RRWC X4-K Evolution R3(2) up to a solid fourth place with brilliant drive on stages 61 to 106 across the fast sections of the Il Terra de la Grit only to misjudge the high speed entry to a narrow gap between a barn wall and a telegraph pole with a bale in front of it causing him to roll 27 times down the side of a valley and into a river. Matterplappersonnersonn did a brilliant job of completely re-designing and then re-building the car from scratch using only co-driver John Scott’s one un-broken finger but the delay cost the pair over 17 days, putting them down to fifth.

Ultimately, Plattomattonnen remained dominant throughout the remaining 236 stages, sealing his place as the man who gets to drive his car onto a strange raised platform with a banner over it in an over-lit car park at night. As we move towards the challenging Rallye di Drizzle in just five weeks’ time this victory puts him 3674 points ahead of his nearest championship rival so the title really does remain completely wide open.

Next race is definitely the race at which Ferrari will say they’ll win the next race

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, May 18th, 2016

Ferrari, yesterday

Ferrari, yesterday

Ferrari has announced that the next race will definitely be the race at which they announce that they’re going to win the next race.

‘Conditions at Monaco are perfect for claiming that we will secure victory at the following race,’ explained team spokesman Bula Sheeta. ‘We have been developing the car over the first five races which we said we could win and then didn’t, and we are now confident that we are in a good position to make a pointless and hollow announcement that will ultimate lead to humiliation. Again.’

Factory sources say Ferrari’s confidence is based on improvements in crucial areas such as aero, energy management and their massive sense of entitlement. ‘Keep watching because this noisy announcement that we are in a good place to win the next race won’t be the last,’ Mr Sheeta concluded. ‘We are sure to keep making these announcements just as certainly as we are sure not to actually win and then Mr Marchionne is sure to sack me.’

‘What? Who are you? Where am I?’ quipped Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday.

D.I. Blundell done report from the 2016 Spanish GP

Posted in D.I. Blundell, Motorsport, News by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, May 16th, 2016

DIBlundellnew‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 15 May I done proceed in a southerly direction to the Barcelona district of Catalonia what done be in Spain and done also not be in Spain, depending on who you done speak to.

Here, I done observe a silver Mercedes vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Mr Nico Rosberg of Germany and Finland and Monaco, what done be involved in an incident with another silver Mercedes vehicle drive by an IC3 male, one Mr Lewis Hamilton of Instagram.

I done observe this incident using what done be my eyes and it done seem to me that Mr Hamilton done be attempting a risky overtaking manoeuvre and Mr Rosberg done not be done observing the correct space what you done ought to be done giving to another road user and done cause Mr Hamilton to leave what done be, to be honest, the road what done then cause a loss of what done be, in fairness, control. Mr Hamilton’s vehicle done then collide with Mr Rosberg’s vehicle and both vehicles done then be suffering what done be damage.

In my view, this done be an important warning to all motorists on the importance of what done be three things. One, always use your mirrors to look for vehicles what done be approaching from behind. Two, done remember to apply your brakes if you think another motorist is about to do a collide with you. Three, don’t done be what is, in fairness, a silly, to be honest, twat.

Later on the same date I done receive reports of underage drinking in the podium region what done going to continue doing an investigate on.

Over and out.

Marko has his dog shot

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, May 6th, 2016

Helmut Marko, yesterday

Helmut Marko, yesterday

There was sad news in F1 this week as Dr Helmut Marko had his dog shot.

‘It’s a shame because the dog was very loyal and usually well behaved,’ explained a Red Bull insider. ‘In fact, just two weeks ago the dog saved some orphans from inside a burning building. But then it slightly growled when it saw a squirrel outside and Dr Marko had it shot.’

The dog will be replaced by a new, younger dog from Dr Marko’s Italian puppy farm which will be looked after by Christian Horner. ‘Christian is very excited to get the new dog,’ said a source. ‘And he doesn’t even mind the dog’s dad hanging around the garage in a bad leather jacket looking like a boozy scrap metal dealer.’