Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Vettel announces new kids’ book

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2016

fuckssakecoverPointy fingered, smiles-when-he’s-winning children’s entertainer Sebastian Vettel has announced a new bedtime story book for children, called Fuck’s Sake!

Fuck’s Sake! contains many kids’ classics including Mary Had A Fucking Little Lamb, Twinkle Twinkle Little Fucking Star and The Wheels On The Fucking Bus Get Hit Going Into Turn Fucking Three, Fuck!

‘The book is a delightful take on some pre-school classics,’ noted toddler expert Todd Lerex-Pjurt. ‘My personal favourite is The Three Fucking Pigs in which a wolf “huffs and puffs and oh for fuck’s sake, what the fuck are we doing here?”‘

‘This sounds fucking great!’ said Niki Lauda, yesterday.

Is it too late for Lewis Hamilton?

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 28th, 2016

hamquestionAs we approach the fourth race of the 2016 Formula 1 season, all eyes are on the front-running Mercedes duo. Nico Rosberg has taken victory in the first three races of the season and, statistically speaking, that makes him assured of the title, as does his obvious ease with the car and his burning desire to make up for past seasons when championship victory eluded him. But what does this mean for Lewis Hamilton? He has the same car, he has the same team, he has the same opportunities yet bad luck has haunted him and now the odds seemed stacked in favour of his team mate. Can the British driver, a triple F1 world champion, claw it back and seal his fourth title or is it now in Rosberg’s hands for the taking? Sniff Petrol has spoken to F1 pundits, to analysts, to engineers, to statisticians and to you, the fans, and from this we have built up the most comprehensive picture possible to answer once and for all, with absolute certainty, the question that consumes motorsport at the moment: Can Lewis Hamilton still win the 2016 F1 world championship?

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7 things Nico Rosberg struggles to get out of

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, April 22nd, 2016

Nico Rosberg repeatedly struggles to get out of an F1 car, despite being an actual F1 driver. But did you know, his Mercedes isn’t the only thing he makes a mess of exiting. Here are some other things Rosberg struggles to get out of;

rosbergbigface2. Unsolicited PPI calls

b. Lakes

x. Headlocks

7. Nando’s

vii. Most kinds of trouser

99. Stilted conversations with the security man who works on reception at night

y+q. Parking spaces where he thinks there might be a bollard behind his car but he’s not sure

z. The mailing list for Gwyneth Paltrow’s website, Goop, which he doesn’t remember signing up for in the first place

0. That Christening for the kid of someone he barely speaks to any more and which clashes with the Malaysian Grand Prix but which he accidentally said yes to about four months ago without first checking his diary

1. Google alerts for ‘Lewis Hamilton sunglasses’

D.I. Blundell done report from the 2016 Chinese GP

Posted in D.I. Blundell, Motorsport, News by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, April 18th, 2016

DIBlundellnew‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 18 April I done proceed in an easterly direction to the Chinese Grand Prix of China in the Chinesey region of China.

Here I done observe an incident between a red Ferrari vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Sebastian Vettel from the Germany region of Germany, and a blue not-Renault powered vehicle what done be driven by another IC1 male, namely one Daniil Kvyat from the Russia region of Russia.

I done notice that Mr Kvyat done be travelling at a reasonable speed for what done be, in fairness, a race. He done then attempt to done do insert his vehicle into a gap what done appear to be wide enough for what is, to be fair, his car.

Mr Vettel done then done be thinking that there done be about to be a collision and done do take what done be an action what done be, in fairness, evasive. This done cause him to collide with another red Ferrari vehicle driven by an IC1 male what done be a Mr Kimi Raikkonen from the bar region of the hotel. This done cause what done be, to be honest, damage.

I done note that Mr Vettel done later confront Mr Kvyat about this incident and he done do express that he don’t done be happy about what done have done, in fairness happened, in a manner what I done observe to be a bit, in fairness, moany.

I done conclude that this done be a lesson to all motorists to done consider what done be their options with a grievance of this nature. These done be as follows: 1) Pursue grievances of any nature through what done be the proper channels. B) Man up and stop done be whining on like what done be a big baby. Over and out.

 

 

Alonso has a note from his mum

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 13th, 2016

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Fernando Alonso, yesterday

Fernando Alonso will not drive in this weekend’s Chinese Grand Prix after McLaren sources admitted he has ‘a note from his mum’.

‘We received an envelope yesterday from Mrs Alonso,’ revealed a team insider. ‘It said her Fernando still had a hurty chest and was to be excused from games.’

‘Fernando is delighted with the result from his mum after he spent all that time doing a pathetic little cough every time she walked into the room,’ claimed an anonymous source close to the Spanish driver. ‘It is only right he is let off from the Chinese Grand Prix and he definitely isn’t doing it just to get out of driving that shitty car and he definitely hasn’t already planned a barbecue at home this weekend.’

‘Oh no, I seem to be holding a brick,’ said Jenson Button today. ‘Wouldn’t it be a shame if I totally accidentally dropped it on my foot and shit.’

Could YOU run F1?

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, April 5th, 2016

We’ve all harboured thoughts of running run F1. But could you? Take this handy survey to find out if you’re the kind of person who could control top level motorsport.

What kind of hairstyle do you have?
a) Sensible, well-maintained
b) Like a mutilated doll of a village simpleton

Which of these statements best describes your offspring?
a) Happy, intelligent, thoughtful
b) Ghastly, bright orange, grapefruit-titted avatars of vile entitlement

How do you view racing drivers?
a) Supernaturally talented heroes with a relevant viewpoint
b) Shut up, shut up, shut up, you’re just meat that makes me money

If you wrote a book about your approach to business, what would be the title?
a) Firm But Fair – Empathy In Modern Business
b) Give Me All The Money – How To Be A Greedy, Spiteful, Backstabbing Prick And Get Away With It

Will you die soon?
a) Hopefully not
b) Hopefully

How you scored;
Mostly a) Sorry, you don’t seem to be the right kind of person to run F1.
Mostly b) Congratulations! You sound like the kind of person who could run F1. Maybe you already do.

Fans beg F1 not to repeat mistake of last two races

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, April 4th, 2016

A generic representation of motorsport, yesterday

A generic representation of motorsport, yesterday

F1 fans and drivers today pleaded with the sport’s bosses not to repeat the ‘huge mistake’ of the past two races by allowing Nico Rosberg to win again in China.

‘This sort of farce puts people off Formula 1’ said race fan Ray Sfann. ‘I mean, it’s embarrassing when the winner just drives round and round without once appearing on television then pops up at the end saying ‘woo-hoo’ on the radio as if he’s disinterestedly reading it off a script.’

The Grand Prix Drivers’ Association was equally damning in its analysis of Nico Rosberg somehow winning the last two races. ‘It brings our sport into disrepute if a winner is someone who gives a post-race press conference at which they drone on in a monotone about how difficult it was and show no sign of being a bit pleased at having won a sodding Formula 1 race,’ they said in a statement. ‘Especially if they’re also creepily calm in pre-race interviews and generally give the impression that being a Formula 1 driver is a tedious slog and gives them the same eerily unemotional feeling as working in Carphone fucking Warehouse.’

‘You’re right, he really is rubbish at saying ‘woo-hoo’,’ added Damon Albarn, yesterday.

Hamilton arrives in Bahrain wearing a hearing aid

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, March 31st, 2016

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton has followed up on the fake glasses he sported in Australia by arriving in Bahrain wearing a pretend hearing aid.

The reigning world champion said it was ‘part of a look’ he was ‘trying out’ and was later spotted in the paddock asking people to ‘speak up’ before conspicuously fiddling with the ear-mounted device and saying, ‘oooh, I think the batteries have gone’ in a slightly too-loud voice.

Mercedes insiders say if this weekend’s fake hearing aid project is a success, Hamilton has some more fashion-forward ailments in mind, starting with a plan to blunder around the paddock in China shouting, ‘Arrrgh, my insulin!’, working up to May’s Monaco Grand Prix in which he will sport at least one prosthetic limb.

‘This all sounds tremendous,’ said Morrissey, yesterday.

McLaren comes up with Brawn-based recovery plan

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, March 29th, 2016

Ross Brawn, yesterday

Ross Brawn, yesterday

McLaren has hit upon a radical plan to improve its F1 fortunes – ask Honda to give everything to Ross Brawn and then fuck off.

‘After conducting extensive analysis of our current non-optimal situation, we have concluded that the problem is Honda,’ said a team insider. ‘We have also noticed that it worked really well that last time Honda gave something to Ross Brawn and then fucked off.’

Sources say McLaren has drawn up a road map of how their plan would work, starting with Honda handing ‘all their stuff’ to Ross Brawn and then ‘fucking right off’.

‘For Honda, there are two key elements here,’ explained someone close to the project. ‘One, give Ross the shit. And two, fuck off’.

‘I like the sound of this,’ said Jenson Button, wistfully.

GPDA writes another letter

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, March 24th, 2016

An letter, yesterday

An letter, yesterday

Yesterday the Grand Prix Drivers’ Association wrote an open letter to F1 bosses pleading with them to avoid poor commericial decsions that will damage the sport. Hours later Sky announced an exclusive rights deal in the UK, ending free-to-air F1 from 2019.

Now the reverse psychology wing of the GPDA has issused another letter, this time begging those in charge of the sport to ‘please continue with short term greed until there are literally no fucking fans left’.

The letter also urges F1 bosses to ‘introduce lots of extremely contrived rules that do nothing to improve the sport but look utterly desperate and completely ignore the basic problem of how sodding boring it is’.

The signatories of the letter also say they want to ‘encourage new tracks and new ideas, but these must NOT prioritise interesting racing above the vital cause of making cadaverous old shits even richer’.

Finally, the letter implores F1’s governors to ‘actively shun social media and other technologies because if you just ignore things they always go away and definitely don’t make an entire sport look like an outdated old farts’ club that won’t be happy until literally everyone who was once interested in F1 has given up or died’.

Interestingly, the strongly-worded letter strenuously avoids naming individuals, although it does make several mysterious references to a ‘spiteful, greedy microtwat’.

 


 

In other news, Grand Prix Drivers’ Association directors Jenson Button, Sebastian Vettel and Alex Wurz have written an open letter asking why the Grand Prix Drivers’ Association still has Alex Wurz as a director.