Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

McLaren being ‘de-Ronned’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, February 8th, 2017

Ron Dennis, yesterday

With confirmation this week that Jost Capito has been ousted from his role at McLaren, new boss Zak Brown continues in his quest turn around the ailing F1 team with a programme known as ‘de-Ronning’.

Brown’s other measures to ‘de-Ron’ the team are said to include a policy of leaving some battered old shoes and a pile of dirty laundry by the door in the reception area, just next to the very worn chairs and a wonky table bearing some old magazines, many of which are missing the cover and are not in chronological order.

‘Since Zak took over, the menu in the staff canteen has changed too,’ admitted one insider. ‘Now, the only things they serve are croissants, jam doughnuts and Cadbury’s Flakes. And we have to eat them at our desks. Without using a plate.’

Another source reveals that staff are now encouraged to ‘leave fingerprints’, ‘spill things’ and ‘accidentally walk dog shit’ into the factory.

The final part of Brown’s ‘de-Ron’ policy is a strict instruction for all team personnel to use one word to describe something instead of five, one of which isn’t really a word, and a radical new plan to stop torturing Fernando Alonso with a terrible F1 car.

F1 can’t wait to find out how Ecclestone is going to somehow regain control of everything

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, February 2nd, 2017

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

There was excitement in Formula 1 today as teams and drivers eagerly awaited the way in which Bernie Ecclestone will somehow regain control of the sport.

‘It’s only a matter of time,’ said one paddock insider. ‘And we can’t wait to see what Bernie’s got up his sleeve to re-gain unilateral control of the sport he erroneously believes to be his in perpetuity,’ they added, wordily.

Current theories about the way in which Ecclestone will somehow get control of F1 again just when everyone thought we’d seen the back of him include ‘bloodless coup’, ‘blood-filled coup’ and ‘some kind of moustache trap’.

‘My money is on discovering he’s the main shareholder of Liberty, and that he’s suddenly able to sell the sport back to himself,’ said another anonymous source. ‘However it happens, we can’t wait to see how Bernie inevitably regains control of F1 and then manages to be a massive prick about it.’

F1 in chaos as Ecclestone ousted

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, January 24th, 2017

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

There was chaos in F1 today as drivers and team personnel struggled desperately to think of something nice to say about sacked despot Bernie Ecclestone.

‘I was erring towards, “He did a lot for the sport”,’ explained one team principal. ‘But some bastard got that one first so now I’ll have to come up with another blandly non-committal pleasantry that doesn’t sound too much like “greedy little prick”.’

‘I was going to try, “the sport won’t be the same without him”,’ admitted one current driver. ‘I mean, it’s vague, it’s accurate, and it manages not to contain the words “manipulative little tit”.’

‘I suppose we could get away with, “It’s truly the end of an era” if we put an exclamation mark at the end to hide our feeling of relief behind a false sense of surprise,’ noted another team boss. ‘Unless of course there’s a more polite way of saying “spiteful little shit”?’

‘We’ll always be indebted to Bernie,’ noted a former manager at the Manor team. ‘No, really. That’s why I’m on my way to the dole office. What a toddler haircut twat. I mean, erm, “Wow, what a legacy!”’

Massa spotted behaving strangely

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, January 19th, 2017

Felipe Massa, yesterday

There was confusion in Brazil this week as Felipe Massa was seen emerging from a restaurant after a long meal, and then immediately going back in and returning to his table even though he had clearly finished.

‘I just don’t know why he went back in again,’ said one onlooker, Juan Enlouka. ‘He’d had a long time at the table already, surely he should have given it to someone else?’

‘I don’t understand why the restaurant would let him back in,’ said another witness. ‘Sure, he usually finishes every meal, if not always very quickly, but now it should be someone else’s turn to eat.’

Massa’s restaurant return is just one of several unusual things the panda-like driver has been spotted doing this week. ‘I gather Felipe was seen going into a public lavatory for some time, then he came out, turned around and went straight back in again, even though there were several younger people outside who deserved to use the facilities,’ explained Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘I hear that later the same day he was spotted coming out of a phone box and then immediately going back in, even though there was someone else who could have used the phone and would have made a quicker call.’

Reports of Massa’s apparent desire to go back into places he should admit it was his time to vacate have now reached his family home in Sao Paulo. ‘This is very strange,’ said his mother. ‘I’m keeping my legs crossed just in case.’

 

Those Raikkonen marriage vows

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, August 9th, 2016

Last weekend Kimi Raikkonen married model Minttu Virtanen in a private ceremony in Italy. Here, Sniff Petrol can exclusively share a transcript of the ceremony. 

Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday

Kimi Raikkonen, yesterday

Priest: Minttu, will you take Kimi to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

Kimi: Yea, yea, yea, she doing all that already.

Priest: And Kimi, will you take Minttu to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

Kimi: Sure, whatever.

Priest: Therefore, in the presence of God and in front of this congregation I proclaim you husband and wife. You may now kiss.

Kimi: Leave us alone, we know what we’re doing.

New car handling characteristic identified

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, August 1st, 2016

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Alongside the familiar traits of understeer and oversteer, car dynamics experts have this week identified a new handling characteristic known as ‘Nicosteer’.

Nicosteer occurs when a car follows a wider than expected arc into a given corner as a result of the driver failing to turn the wheel enough and then pretending that he had a problem even though he didn’t.

‘In scientific terms, Nicosteer can be expressed as X = A + B ,’ explained car handling professor, Carl-Hans Dligprofeser. ‘Where X equals vehicle trajectory, A equals corner radius and B equals how much the driver is being a prick again.’

Road safety campaigners are urging motorists to be aware of situations that can cause Nicosteer, such as pissing away a commanding championship lead, being the kind of choker who gets caught out by wheelspin, and having too many passports.

‘I’ll certainly be looking out for the warning signs of Nicosteer,’ said F1 runner up Nico Rosberg. ‘And if it happens, I’ll be certain to lift off very slightly.’

F1 agrees 2017 safety measures

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 29th, 2016

Some F1, yesterday

Some F1, yesterday

The F1 strategy group has voted against the halo protection system for 2017 in favour of a new safety strategy based on telling the drivers to ‘be careful’.

‘The group unanimously decided to continue evaluating protection systems such as halo,’ said a spokesman. ‘But in the meantime, we believe there is great merit in just telling the drivers to drive safely please.’

‘For 2017, F1 will introduce something called the New Safety System,’ the spokesman continued. ‘Which is a small pamphlet containing phrases such as “slow a down a bit”, “woah, steady on” and “careful now”. We believe this will have a far reaching effect, without the need to strap a massive flip-flop to the top of the car.’

‘I certainly will be paying attention to this advice,’ said Nico Rosberg. ‘While also ignoring it, obviously,’ he added, lifting off very slightly.

Rosberg signs for two more years of disappointment

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, July 22nd, 2016

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

There was good news for fans of moaning and missed opportunities today as Nico Rosberg signed to Mercedes for another two years.

‘Nico is delighted to secure a new Mercedes contract,’ said a spokesman for the Monafinnman driver. ‘And he is confident the team will continue to give him the car he needs in order to choke under pressure and not quite win another world championship.’

‘Of course, this is about more than the car, it is also about the team mate,’ continued the spokesman. ‘And Nico believes that in Lewis Hamilton he has someone he knows he can try to fuck with by being eerily calm, someone he can get really whiny about when things don’t go his way, and someone who can ultimately hand his arse to him, again.’

Rosberg’s new contract takes him to until the end of 2018, by which time he hopes to be able to get out of an F1 car without getting all tangled in the wires and tubes like a competition winner on a single-seater track day.

Sauber sold to some Swisses

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, July 21st, 2016

Peter Sauber, yesterday

Peter Sauber, yesterday

There was good news for Sauber this week as the struggling Swiss operation was bought up by a finance company which promises to ‘make the team completely adequate again’.

‘For too long Sauber has been sort of around the back of the midfield,’ admitted a spokesman for new owners, Cashmoney S.A. or something. ‘That’s not where they should be. They should be in the middle of the midfield. And sometimes even at the front. Of the midfield, I mean. Not the actual race, obviously.’

However, Sauber’s new paymasters insist that they are not intending to rebuild the team from scratch. ‘We have to respect the team’s traditions,’ insisted an insider at Minted Industries or whatever they’re called. ‘Traditions such as painting the car so it looks like a something from a shit GP2 team or continuing to give work to Marcus Ericsson even though no one is quite sure if he’s any good or not and is starting to think perhaps not.’

However, Sauber’s sale to Completely Aboveboard Inc. is bad news for Peter Sauber himself who has decided to be sacked by his eponymous company, though he is able to lease his own name back to them at $3.50 a letter or $18 the set.

Rosberg docked point for points position

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 12th, 2016

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

There was more bad news for Nico Rosberg today as the Mona-Germo-Finlandic driver was docked one championship point as punishment for only being one championship point ahead of Lewis Hamilton.

‘The regulations on this are pretty clear,’ explained rule adjudicator Rula Judicator. ‘Specifically, article 49.6 which states that ‘no driver must choke under pressure with a sizeable championship lead and piss it all away’.’

Rosberg’s punishment is one of the most unusual in F1 since the mid-‘90s when Damon Hill was docked points for looking like he wasn’t really enjoying this and was just doing it because he had to.

‘We hereby give notice of our intention to appeal this decision,’ said a Mercedes spokesman. ‘No, wait, we hereby give notice of our intention to give notice of intention to withdraw our notice of intention. Erm…’