Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

As Rubens Barrichello celebrates his 300th Grand Prix start, Sniff Petrol exclusively reveals ten things you may not know about the diminutive F1 star.

1. Rubens Barrichello’s forehead accounts for an incredible 92 percent of the overall surface area of his face. ‘I guess that’s a little above average!’ the Brazilian racer quips.

2. Throughout the 2003 season, Rubens Barrichello made himself appear more mysterious by checking into hotels as ‘Rubens? Barrichello?’ ‘It certainly kept people guessing!’ the Brazilian racer quips.

3. In 1993 Rubens Barrichello spent his downtime watching back-to-back episodes of The Fall Guy, having been introduced to the show by Thierry Boutsen. ‘Colt Severs, played by Lee Majors, is such a cool dude!’ the Brazilian racer quips.

4. Rubens Barrichello’s nickname for Sir Jackie Stewart is ‘Sir Jackie Stewart’. ‘It’s funny, I can’t even remember why I call him that!’ the Brazilian racer quips.

5. Before the 2000 season, Rubens Barrichello had never heard of the Ferrari team. ‘I thought they must be new to the sport!’ the Brazilian racer quips.

6. Rubens Barrichello has a B in GCSE Geography. ‘I’ll be honest, I’ve never had much cause to use it!’ the Brazilian racer quips.

7. Despite rumours to the contrary, Rubens Barrichello does NOT suffer from mild eczema. ‘Man, I don’t know where that story came from, it’s just crazy what the press make up sometimes!’ the Brazilian racer quips.

8. Rubens Barrichello says his biggest regret is that he once painted the walls of his downstairs bathroom in purple. ‘Oh man, that colour was way too dark for such a relatively small room!’ the Brazilian racer quips.

9. Asked to pick his favourite shop in the whole world, Rubens Barrichello chose popular catalogue-based retailer Argos. ‘I buy everything there, except food and fireproof undergarments!’ the Brazilian racer quips.

10. It’s not just his 300th Grand Prix that Rubens Barrichello is celebrating this year. 2010 will also mark the 300th time he has visited the Newbury branch of Little Chef. ‘If I clear my plate they give me a lollipop!’ the Brazilian racer quips.

Max Mosley, yesterday

Max Mosley has today spoken out against Ferrari’s team orders at the German Grand Prix by stating that he believes the team should be ‘harshly punished’.

‘Ferrari really need to be shown a firm hand,’ the former FIA president said. ‘A very harsh, firm, starchy hand with long finger nails and… erm, sorry, where was I?’

Mosley added that he believed the FIA had to be clear and unwavering on this matter: ‘When a team clearly breaks a rule like this, they must be whipped into shape and they must be whipped hard. Yes, a nice hard whipping. Hard, so hard, so very, very hard… oh… ooooh… yes.’

‘What disappoints me is that so far Ferrari have shown no contrition,’ Mosley continued when he returned to the room. ‘If I was still running the FIA I would have wanted them to be on their knees, crawling across the floor saying that they were sorry, but that wouldn’t be good enough and they would have to be told again that they were so very, very bad and that they were going to get more punishment and they would be grateful for that punishment and be crying out and saying “Mistress Svetlana, please can we have another half an hour” and she would say that because they had been so very bad then… erm, I’m so sorry, I think I have to go.’

Michael Schumacher has said he is ‘sorry’ for strafing machine gun fire across the drivers’ press conference at the Hungarian Grand Prix.

‘On reflection my actions were too hard,’ said Schumacher on his website. ‘By spraying the entire room with countless rounds of intense gun fire I didn’t want to endanger anyone.  If any of the other drivers had this feeling then I am sorry, it was not my intention to cause them to leap out of windows in a blind, terrified panic.’

The seven-time world champion initially denied that he had done anything wrong by hosing down a room of over 30 people using a series of rapidly discharging hand held weapons.

‘Immediately after the race I was still in the heat of it all,’ Schumacher’s statement continued. ‘But after I looked at the amount of furniture that had been cleaved clean in two by my intense bursts of hot lead, I have to say the authorities were correct to intervene.’

After analysing the way in which Schumacher inexplicably hammered at a crowded space with relentless machine gun fire, F1 stewards have decided to penalise the German driver by insisting that he leaves all belt fed weaponary at home for the next grand prix.

There was surprise in the Formula 1 paddock today with news that the guest drivers’ steward for Sunday’s Hungarian Grand Prix will be none other than the pay driver’s pay driver, Taki Inoue.

‘We’re delighted to have Taki on board for this race,’ said an FIA spokesman. ‘He will be using his own F1 experience to keep an eye on the race and will be able to penalise drivers if he thinks they are not going idiotically slowly, not getting in everyone else’s way, not inexplicably spinning into a tyre wall halfway through, or not making a total cock of something as simple as working out what the racing line is.’

Inoue himself was equally delighted at being given this prestigious stewarding role. ‘I’m delighted to be in Hungary this weekend,’ he said. ‘And th… argghhhh… I’ve just been run over by a safety car…’

Michael Schumacher, yesterday (in 1995)

As his disappointing comeback season continues, Michael Schumacher has apparently written off the 2010 season and instead shifted his focus onto trying to win the 1995 World Championship.

‘Michael realises 2010 is a dead loss,’ said a Mercedes GP spokesman. ‘But he is confident that the 1995 season could be his, especially since he already has all the trophies at home’.

‘It’s a little known fact that Michael still has his old Benetton B195 in case he needs it,’ added another source close to the German racer. ‘And he’s really looking forward to winning nine races during the season including putting on an especially impressive charge at Spa.’

‘He really thinks he can win the 1995 title. In fact, he already has! With that knowledge behind him, Michael is really confident about his 1995 Formula 1 season! Unlike his 2010 season, which has basically been shit.’

Some cheats, yesterday

There was delight in Italy this morning following clear signs that the Ferrari F1 team is back on form.

‘We ‘ave been very worried that Ferrari was not at the top of the game this season,’ said Frode Voluminosa of fan club Tifosi Inglese. ‘For sure, we saw moments of the old brilliance such as blatantly testing new parts and the calling it a “photo session”, but there was not the consistent rule bending and total disregard for the sport that we ‘ope for’.

‘Of course, there was plenty of moaning,’ Mr Voluminosa continued. ‘And this gave us ‘ope that de team still ‘ad within them the burning spirit to really insult the intelligence of all F1 fans and basically, ‘ow you say, take a massive shit all over the sport’.

Following the Scuderia’s blatant team orders at the German Grand Prix, Ferrari fans are filled with a renewed belief that the rest of this season the team will be able to lie, cheat and whinge its way to the top.

‘We are committed to a Ferrari world championship victory in 2010,’ said a spokesman. Unfortunately, that spokesman was FIA president Jean Toad.

Hot on the heels of the news that Jacques Fucking Villeneuve hopes to field a Formula 1 team in the 2011 season, all other F1 teams have announced that they are leaving the sport.

‘I’m afraid we will not be in Formula 1 next year,’ confirmed a senior member of one well known team. ‘We just find F1 a bit, erm, noisy. Yes, that’s it. Noisy. So I’m afraid we’re not going to bother next year’.

Other teams were equally quick to confirm their departure. ‘This season will definitely be our last,’ said a long standing team principal. ‘It’s all that overseas travel you see. We just don’t like foreign food. It’s a bit spicy and it’s always got bits in it. So next year we’re going to stay at home’.

Other excuses behind next year’s mass exodus include ‘It’s a bit pricey’, ‘We’ve got to give the lorries back to my brother-in-law’ and ‘I think it’s giving me an achey knee’.

One well respected engineer was quick to add that since there would be no teams except Villeneuve’s in F1 next year, the whole season probably wouldn’t happen. ‘If I was thinking of taking part in Formula 1 in 2011 I’d have second thoughts. But then I wouldn’t be surprised if lots of the races looked like they were going ahead and with all the teams that said they weren’t going to be there. That’s just because, erm, the teams have left some lights and the radio on so they, errr, seem to be there, y’know, just so their old pit garages don’t get burgled’.

One leading FIA source later added that this unprecedented departure of all existing teams was ‘completely natural’ and nothing whatsoever to do with Villeneuve’s extremely annoying voice and face.

I have been made aware of a quantity of allegations regarding myself and an occurrence that was centred around the occasion of the British Grand Prix.

It has been suggested to a specific member of my organisation, which in more detailed terms was myself, that I was integrally involved in a circumstance with regard to an individual or individuals who may or may not be Eddie Jordan whereby an action of a jocular nature may have been in occurrence.

It has been made explicit to myself by a body of persons that this event, and in specific terms the nature of humourousness integral to it, was not in line with expectations regarding behavioural perceptions of myself.

I am engaging in the creation of this statement of record so that it is possible to express that the actions in which I may have been the primary perpetrator, regarding the placement of a laceration upon an item of cable, were, in my consideration, of a short term nature and should not be used as a performance indicator with regard to my future aspirations, actions or targets.

However, whilst the episode to which I am currently undertaking reference was of a type not in alignment with the parameters perceived of me, I also wish to make it of a clear nature that in relation to this event I contain no quantities of feeling within the spectrum of regret.

Also, the little twat had it coming.

Robert Kubica heading out on another job, yesterday

There was new hope for the inaugural Korean Grand Prix this week as Renault driver Robert Kubica agreed to help out with the track’s behind-schedule building work.

‘Robert heard rumours that the Korean track might not be finished on time and without thinking he chucked a bag of tools in his R30, strapped a ladder to the top, and headed off to Yeongam’. said a spokesman.

‘Because he comes from Poland, Robert is used to delivering high quality building work on schedule and at a reasonable price,’ our mole continued. ‘In fact, he’s a little bit offended they didn’t ask him to quote for the whole job in the first place’.

Sources say Kubica suffered a slight setback upon arriving in Korea when he realised that Vitaly Petrov still has his best spirit level after borrowing it for that kitchen re-build in Kidlington.

Nonetheless, Renault insist that the Polish driver will have finished his work on the Yeongam track before the German race in 10 days time and will once again be available for re-tiling, plumbing and other building works in the Enstone area, no job too big or too small.

How Christian Horner might look in a rowing boat, yesterday

The British Institute of Puzzling today announced a new Red Bull-based version of the conundrum in which a fox, a chicken and a bag of grain must be transported across a river in a boat only big enough to accommodate one item at a time.

In the new version of this age-old game you are Christian Horner using your boat to transport Sebastian Vettel, Mark Webber and a furiously angry grizzly bear that is also extremely hungry.

‘The problems this puzzle throws up are more complex than those in the original version,’ notes the BIoP’s Sandy Child-Toucher. ‘You cannot leave the men with the bear because they will get savaged but you cannot leave Vettel with Webber as they hate each other and will start to fight’.

‘The key to solving this puzzle is of course to remember that you are the Red Bull team boss,’ Mr Child-Toucher continued. ‘Therefore a long as Vettel is safely in the boat you simply leave Webber to be mauled by the bear’.