Forthcoming F1 entrant GENE HAAS reveals his new driver signing
Howdy race fans.
Gene Haas here, speaking to you from the United States of Hell Yeah. As y’all surely know, I’m spending every hour our dear lord sweet baby Elvis done send preparing my entry to the 2016 Formulation One world series. You better believe, we is gonna serve some home fried European lilywhite asses on a plate.
So that’s the catering taken care of, but y’all might be wonderin’ what ol’ Gene here is gonna do about drivers. Well, son, don’t you worry. This ain’t my first rodeo. I’ve been over 50,000 times and they promise to let me back in if I stop firin’ my gun at the signs. Hell, I digress.
Haas Formuliser One is a team as all American as Bud Light, baseball and fourteen pounds of possum meat in the western sector of my refrigerator. That’s why I’m proud to announce that my first driver signing is Ro-Main Growjeans from Franceland.
People say, Gene, why in God’s sweet name are you gonna let an unshaven, soft cheese communist into your righteous racing machine? Well, let me tell you, it was that or an Andretti. And ol’ Gene ain’t as dumb as the test results say.
You guys are just gonna have to trust me on this one, just as my half brother Bobby-Lee trusted me that when I said the pistol wasn’t loaded and, hell, he still got half his head don’t he?
Here at Haas Formulated One headquarters in the beautiful American state of Warwickshire, Englandland, we are now at full steam, largely thanks to a special importation of my patented burnin’ racoons in the steam machine. Smells like goddam freedom.
Let me tell you, our all-American dream machine is gonna fly thanks to its goddam spaghettihead engine and that garlic fucker at the wheel. I hope you pansy ass, tea lickin’, underpants-wearin’ European homo folks like the Star Spangled Banner cuz you’s gonna be hearing it a lot. That’s what the in-pit marching band is for.
Get ready to feel some deep fried American justice, Formulurisation One. Cuz as my daddy used to say; son, you sure put the ass in Haas.
Due to an error, this column was written by the wrong Gene Haas