Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Ferrari previews new hybrid tech

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff on Thursday, May 3rd, 2012

Ferrari used the recent Beijing Motor Show to preview the powertrain for its forthcoming ‘F70’ hypercar incorporating a radical hybrid system known as MASSA-KERS.

The new technology has been inspired by Ferrari’s recent Formula 1 experiences and will work in league with the car’s 6.3-litre V12 petrol engine to deliver what Maranello sources say will be ‘unprecedented levels of mediocrity’.

Ferrari insiders say the innovative MASSA-KERS system will give the forthcoming Enzo replacement many unique qualities including worse than expected performance, the ability to reduce power when it detects another vehicle approaching from behind, and a system that can complain about the chassis even though other cars using the same chassis seem to be doing okay.

Sources say that in the course of a normal journey, the F70 will experience a gradual drop off in speed but that, thanks to a state-of-the-art voice recognition module, the driver can attempt to extract slightly better performance by saying encouraging things to the powertrain in a flat North Eastern accent.

Ferrari is confident that anyone who experiences MASSA-KERS will very quickly start to wonder why the company is persevering with the system and why in God’s name it doesn’t try something different.

Breivik F1 is go!

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff on Friday, April 20th, 2012

Formula 1 created fresh controversy this week with news that Anders Breivik is to be allowed to set up an F1 team.

The far-right Norwegian was originally granted permission to enter the sport last year but this licence was then withdrawn due to concerns that his behaviour was ‘unstable’. The sport’s ruling body vowed not to grant Breivik the right to enter a team until ‘stability’ had returned to his mental state. Although he has subsequently bombed Oslo and shot 69 people on the island of Utøya, F1 clearly considers this is now the case.

The decision to allow Breivik to enter Formula 1 is ‘not about the money’, according to F1 boss Bernard Ecclestone. ‘Anders Breivik is entered into Formula 1. It’s all scheduled,’ Mr Ecclestone said. ‘And although I essentially own, run and completely control the sport, I can’t do anything about that. It’s up to the teams.’

However, none of the current teams seemed willing take a stand against the inclusion of a mass murderer in the paddock. ‘We completely trust the decision of F1’s ruling body and it would be wrong of us to make assumptions about bringing a notorious terrorist into our ranks,’ said one unnamed team principle. ‘Though of course we see nothing wrong with failing to engage in any sort of debate about it and therefore appearing to endorse a dangerous psychopath who killed 77 innocent people’.

F1’s top drivers were equally unwilling to condemn Breivik’s arrival in the sport. ‘I’m a Formula 1 driver; it’s not my job to think about stuff,’ said one leading championship contender. ‘It’s my job to inadvertently portray myself as a weak, robotic component of the car with no opinions on anything’.

Meanwhile, those on the edge of F1 were more forthcoming in their views; ‘How can a man like Anders Breivik be allowed to run a team?’ said Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘He’s a dangerous, cruel, petty, deeply evil sociopath. He should be running the sport itself.’

Vettel celebrates title win

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff on Tuesday, October 11th, 2011

Vettel arrives for his crazy party, yesterday

Newly crowned F1 world champion Sebastian Vettel yesterday celebrated his second consecutive driver’s title with a typically ‘wild und crazy’ party in Tokyo.

Red Bull sources say the party started at 5pm when vast tables were laid out, groaning under the weight of free drinks including Pepsi, 7-Up, and Tizer. The tables also accommodated a sumptuous spread of food that included cheese on sticks, small slices of pizza, and jelly. ‘There were an incredible SIX flavours of crisps!’ said one team insider. ‘Seven, if you count ready salted as a flavour.’

Guests for the lavish party included Adrian Sutil, Nico Rosberg, Sebastian Buemi, Jamie Alguersuari, and Felipe Massa, although Ferrari later forced him to give his invitation to Fernando Alonso.

One guest, who asked not to be named, confirmed that the party was even wilder than expected. ‘At one point the music just stopped,’ our VIP revealed. ‘And then we all sat down, but there were not enough chairs and Pastor Maldonado was out of the game!’

Red Bull spies confirm that the party went on until at least 8:30pm when Vettel himself decided he was tired and got his parents to take him home.

Vettel’s championship celebrating antics contrast with those of Kimi Raikkonen who went on a 48 hour bender with two friends, consuming over 750 litres of vodka and five tonnes of ice cream in the process. Quite why Raikkonen felt the need to celebrate Vettel’s second F1 championship remains a mystery.

F1 – a history of sensitivity

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff on Monday, June 6th, 2011

1959 – Fidel Castro seizes power in Cuba. Human rights groups express concern about machinery of repression. Formula 1 organisers express delight at plans for 1960 Havana Grand Prix.

1973 – General Pinochet sets up Chilean military dictatorship. FOCA ‘extremely interested’ in establishing Santiago Grand Prix.

1975 – Mass executions across Cambodia. F1 bosses say Phnom Phen Grand Prix ‘looks promising’.

1982 – Falkland Islands invaded. Argentinean Grand Prix grudgingly postponed.

1988 – Ayatollah Khomeini accepts UN truce in Iran-Iraq war. Grand Prix of Tehran now ‘on hold’.

1992 – Slobodan Milosevic initiates vast ethnic cleansing programme in Serbia. FIA’s plans for Belgrade GP ‘progressing well’.

1994 – Apartheid ends. South African Grand Prix cancelled.

1997 – Laurent Kabila founds Democratic Republic of the Congo, suspends constitution, perpetuates human rights abuses, maintains talks over possible 1998 Kinshasa GP.

2001 – Burmese military junta mounts new campaign of violence causing thousands to flee their homes. FIA reminds them not to forget their tickets for forthcoming Yangon Grand Prix.

2009 – North Korea carries out nuclear tests. FIA describes facilities for planned Pyongyang GP as ‘very impressive’.

F1 driver takes out injunction

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff on Friday, May 13th, 2011

The ongoing injunction controversy continued today with news that a mystery Formula 1 driver has taken out a court order forbidding mention of certain aspects of his life.

The driver’s identity cannot be revealed but he is believed to be from Germany and to drive for a UK-based team. The legal order prevents any mention of key elements of the un-named person’s career, specifically anything relating to the 2011 season so far.

The mystery driver, said to be 42 years old and a multiple world champion, is believed to have taken out the injunction in order to prevent a British newspaper from publishing allegations that he had become ‘shit’.

Rumours circulating on social networking site Twitter also suggest that the anonymous driver – said to have a silver car and a brother called Ralf – has been publicly fucked by his team mate.

Those close to the unidentified driver, whose initials are MS, are said to have advised him to break off the unsuitable relationship that is at the heart of the unmentionable and embarrassing rumours.

FERRARI ROAD CARS FEEL ALONSO EFFECT

Posted in Motorsport by Sniff on Friday, February 5th, 2010

A grumpy tit, yesterday

A grumpy tit, yesterday

With the new F1 season just weeks away, sources in Italy say Ferrari is set to capitalise on the arrival of Fernando Alonso at the team with a brand new driving mode for its next generation of road cars. Sniff Petrol’s spies say the new setting will have an immediate effect on all aspects of the car, most notably making it instantly faster whilst at the same time more treacherous. And grumpy.

Ferrari insiders say that putting the car into Alonso mode will have other effects, such as increasingly hairy sunvisors and a sat-nav voice that suddenly develops an irritating lisp. However, it’s in the complex electronics of the suspension, engine and gearbox that Alonso mode really shows its stuff. Normally, these three entities work as one to the benefit of dynamics. However, in Alonso mode each area of the car ceases to be a team player and selfishly looks after itself.

Maranello engineers are said to be particularly excited about the Alonso mode’s stability control system which is understood to wait until you are in trouble and then just bugger off to another car. The same system is also said to feature a unique ability to wait until it detects that you are breaking the speed limit and then automatically call the authorities to grass you up. Ferrari insiders say that in early testing Alonso mode is already worth another five tenths of a lap around their Fiorano test track, although at the end of the lap the car then came into the pits in a massive sulk for no apparent reason.

The Alonso setting is likely to first appear on the forthcoming 599 GTO, due later this year. It is thought that the new mode will be engaged by turning Ferrari’s distinctive manettino control to the marking which depicts a duplicitous twat stabbing everyone in the back.

JENSON’S CHRISTMAS SHOPPING LIST REVEALED!

Posted in Motorsport by Sniff on Monday, December 21st, 2009

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LETTER F NEXT TO LEAVE F1?

Posted in Motorsport by Sniff on Monday, November 16th, 2009

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How the F1 logo might look in the future, yesterday

The recent flurry of departures from F1 is set to continue this week with news that the letter F is considering its position within the sport.

The popular letter has been a part of F1 ever since the first Formula 1 race took place in 1947 and reports that it is considering its future within the sport will come as a blow to those who run the popular race series, in particular Bernard Ecclestone who is neither of those things.

‘I’m sure the sport’s management will claim that F1 is bigger than the letter F,’ notes Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘But the truth is, F1 needs F more than F needs F1, or “1” as it may have to become known’.

Sources close to F say that the multi-national sixth position in the alphabet letter has grown tired of the expense and complexity of travelling the world during the Formula 1 season, with its relentless and draining whirl of appearing on signs, headed notepaper and even napkins, plus the ongoing obligation to emerge from people’s mouths throughout race weekends. One insider close to the letter F also noted that in the current economic climate F has other commitments such as leading the way on phrases like ‘fiscal meltdown’, ‘fiduciary failures’ and ‘fucking hell I’m frigging amazed Toyota didn’t fuck off four or five years ago’.

If, as seems likely, the letter F does leave F1 it’s almost certain that the sport’s governing body will seek a replacement to fill the gap at the front of its abbreviated name. Speculation as to what that replacement will be was heightened this morning with news that the letter A, currently without a position in motorsport following the collapse of the A1 GP series, was seen leaving Formula 1 headquarters.

EXCLUSIVE – NEW FIA BOSS’S PLANS FOR F1

Posted in Motorsport by Sniff on Monday, November 16th, 2009

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Jean Toad wearing his special FIA impartiality shirt and headphones, yesterday

Formula 1 is set to enter a new era as incoming president Jean Toad looks to revise the rulebook whilst remaining completely impartial, oh yes siree. Here are some of the F1 rule changes Mr Toad is said to be considering:

  • All cars taking part in Formula 1 must be red. Any car that is not red will be penalised 30 points for both driver and team.
  • It is illegal for any team that does not already have a red car as of the start of 2009 to paint its car red.
  • All teams must be based in Maranello. Teams will be free to choose NOT to be based on Maranello, but in return will be penalised 50 points.
  • It is illegal for any team not based in Maranello as of the start of 2009 to move to Maranello.
  • All teams must have at least three Rs in their team. Any team without three Rs in their name will be penalised 10 points per race. (NB Torro Rosso are penalised 20 points for inserting an illegal space between the Rs in their name). Also, all teams will be penalised 50 points per driver if they failed, as of the start of 1950, to have a horse as their logo.
  • In any dispute between two teams all FIA adjudication MUST find in favour of which ever team presents its case using someone that Mr Toad is friends with.

SCHUMACHER NECK INJURY EXPLAINED

Posted in Motorsport by Sniff on Friday, August 21st, 2009

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