Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

F1 teams agree to budget cap

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 22nd, 2015

An cap, yesterday

An cap, yesterday

In the face of spiralling costs, all current F1 teams have at last settled on a mutually agreeable budget cap, which will be worn by all drivers during press conferences.

The budget cap is said to be of a conventional peaked design, but uses a simple plastic re-sizing tab at the back to save costs. At the front, the cap features a lightweight, low-cost strip of Velcro onto which relevant sponsors’ logos can be attached. The cap is made of a material described as ‘a bit scratchy’.

The cap is said to cost just $10 and will be made in only three colours, although Ferrari will have exclusive rights to the red cap and also to the ability to sell the cap in its shops for $275.

Getting the cap approved amongst drivers has not been simple and sources say there was resistance from, amongst others, Kimi Raikkonen who prefers a trucker style that makes him look like an insolent Kentucky teenager.

‘This is a landmark moment,’ said one F1 insider. ‘The sport’s hat costs have been spiralling out of control for years. Now at last every single team plays on a level field as far as casual head gear is concerned’.

With the new agreement in place, all teams are now ready to use the cap at the next race, except for McLaren who say that they are unable to get Jenson Button’s cap ready in time.

Raikkonen feeling mnn mn mnurr

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, April 20th, 2015

A delighted Raikkonen, yesterday

A delighted Raikkonen, yesterday

Following his second place in yesterday’s Bahrain GP, Ferrari sources say that Kimi Raikkonen is feeling totally mnn mn mnurr.

The Finnish driver is reported to have said to his engineers that the podium place was ‘nnn mnggg rrrrmnnnng’ and that this has boosted his feelings towards coming races to ‘mmmmnnn mn’.

Raikkonen is said to be so ‘mmnnn nnnmnm’ about his performance in Bahrain that in the pit garage afterwards the ebullient driver individually looked at at least two mechanics, slightly opened his mouth as if to say something, and then walked out. ‘It was incredible,’ said one team insider. ‘I’ve never seen him so emotional’.

Sources say that if Raikkonen can follow his impressive second place with a victory in coming races he will achieve the highest state of delight possible for a Finnish person known as ‘simsu’ which literally translates as ‘yea, whatever’.

 

2015 Bahrain GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News, Trentham Sleaves by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, April 17th, 2015

Terrible F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks ahead to this weekend’s race

trenthamsleaves1As the golden sun casts its ethereal glow across the paddock here in Bahrain one can almost feel an intangible magic that radiates from the surrounding sands giving the entire circuit an enchanting aura that cannot be experienced unless you are here in person, which of course I am.

Formula 1 arrives here in the Middle East full of new hope, inspired by the resurgence of Ferrari, impressed by the strength of Williams, mindful of the exciting tension that exists within Mercedes. These aren’t just my thoughts, they are thoughts very much endorsed by my old mate Sir Jackie Stewart who I was chatting with just yesterday. ‘Whatever you just said, fine. Just please leave me alone,’ he joked. Dear old Jack has always has a sense of humour as dry as Bahrain itself!

Last night I dined alone at a marvelous little back street restaurant I’ve been coming to for many, many years. I won’t share the name of course, and I doubt you would be able to enjoy it without knowing a little of local dialect and custom. I speak a little Bahrainy of course and once I had feasted on a shoe full of humus and tried to explain that I wasn’t calling her a sheep whore, I remembered something my dear pal Alain Prost once said to me in an airport lounge in Dubai. ‘The Middle East is quite nice,’ he mused. ‘Now, ‘ow you say, sod off before I call security.’ Good old Al, such a joker!

Speaking of former world champions, upon leaving the restaurant who should I chance upon by my great mate Damon Hill who wasted no time in pretending he hadn’t seen me and walking briskly in the opposite direction. What a card!

As to who will take the legendary chequered flag here in the white heat of the desert sands, I think the answer is obvious. It will almost certainly be a Mercedes, or a Ferrari if they can pull something out of the bag, but perhaps a Williams, although you wouldn’t bet against an outside chance of a Red Bull or Lotus.

Whatever happens, rest assured I’ll have a great view of all the action. Because remember, I’m here and you’re not.

Rosberg maintains moan

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 16th, 2015

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Moany weird eared Germo-Finnish driver Nico Rosberg has stood by claims that his Chinese Grand Prix was ‘compromised’ by team mate Lewis Hamilton driving too slowly ahead of him.

‘Driving in a race is just like driving on the road,’ the Finlish-Germano driver explained. ‘When the guy in front slows down, you have to slow down too. It’s obvious. I mean, if there’s a slower moving car ahead of you, what else could you do?’

Rosberg claims that this slowing down enabled third placed Sebastian Vettel to get too close to the back of his Mercedes, putting both drivers in danger. ‘Seb was closing in on me,’ the Teuto-Finlandical driver claimed. ‘And if that happened, he would have been very near to the back of my car, which is dangerous. I mean, once you’re close behind another car, you’re stuck there, right?’

Rosberg says he has cleared the air with Hamilton, but maintains that the British driver eased off too much during the race. ‘It meant I couldn’t do my job,’ the Finmanic-Gerlandian insisted. ‘Look up the definition of ‘racing driver’ in the dictionary. It doesn’t say, ‘man who uses skill and judgment to drive his car past slower cars’. It says, ‘whiny little baby who will always come second.’ At least, it does in mine.’

Dennis driver ultimatum

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, April 14th, 2015

Ron Dennis, yesterday

Ron Dennis, yesterday

After another dismal showing in this weekend’s Chinese Grand Prix, McLaren boss Ron Dennis has reminded his drivers that they can have a car that works properly just as soon as they both shave.

‘There are three things Ron hates above all else,’ explained a team insider. ‘Untidyness, beards and the actress Dame Angela Lansbury. He’ll stop at nothing to avoid any of them in his life.’

Sources in Woking say that, as a result of his demented desire to ‘optimise lower face visual and textural qualities’ amongst his drivers, Dennis has ordered engineers to turn down the power output of the Honda powertrain to ‘sub-optimal quantities’ and will happily tolerate blithering about fighting for 16th place for as long as it takes to make Jenson Button and Fernando Alonso shave their faces.

‘To have one driver with a beard is bad enough for Ron, but two has pushed him over the edge,’ explained our team mole. ‘It’s as intolerable for him as finding toast crumbs on the worktop or turning on the TV to find it’s jammed on a channel showing back-to-back episodes of Murder, She Wrote.’

Ironically, McLaren’s deranged facial hair / performance blackmail stand-off is the exact opposite of the situation at Red Bull where beard enthusiast Christian Horner is secretly restricting the car’s performance until both drivers sport some kind chin fuzz. ‘Is totally unfair on Dan,’ complained a spokesman for Daniil Kvyat. ‘He is 12.’

2015 Chinese GP preview

Posted in Motorsport, News, Trentham Sleaves by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, April 10th, 2015

Terrible F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks forward to this weekend’s race

trenthamsleaves1There’s a fantastic magic in the air here in wonderful China which you can’t truly appreciate unless you are here in the fabulous paddock, allowing it to flood your nostrils and give you another marvellous asthma attack.

F1 may be a relatively new sport here in Shanghai but my goodness, to be here feels like coming home. I said as much to my old friend Ron Dennis, whom I bumped into after following him back to his hotel. ‘Please take appropriate measures to disengage yourself from this social interaction with immediate effect,’ he quipped. That’s dear old Ronnie for you. Such a terrific sense of humour!

Last night I dined alone in a charming little backstreet restaurant which modesty prevents me from naming. Ordering food in China can be daunting for some but I speak a little Cantonese of course and found no such problems. As I tucked into my photocopier instruction manual covered in hot water and raw owl, I had time to reflect on something my old mate Jenson Button once said when I asked him about China. ‘Yea, it’s alright,’ he mused. ‘But how did you get into my motorhome again? I’m calling security.’ Jens has always been a real wag!

Later, while wandering the bright, modern streets of the city I saw my old chum Damon Hill across the street. Sadly Damo ran away before we could chat, but as I continued my stroll I was reminded first hand of something I’ve considered for some while: The crisp, high tech world of Shanghai is a perfect fit for F1 in 2015 and so much more appropriate than the crusty old world circuits such as Monza, Silverstone and Spa, as indeed I said in my letter to Formula 1 management, begging them to renew my press accreditation.

Of course, the most important thing here in China is who will take the chequered flag on Sunday. In my view, the answer is pretty obvious: It will be Mercedes, unless Ferrari pull something special out of the bag again, and you can never discount a Williams, though Red Bull could still surprise. That’s my view, and I’m sticking to it!

Of course, whatever happens this weekend, you can rest assured that I’ll have a superb vantage point from which to watch the action. Because remember, I’m here and you’re not.

McLaren could ‘reverse time’ this weekend

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, April 9th, 2015

A slightly too literal composite photograph, yesterday

A slightly too literal composite photograph, yesterday

Following an admission from McLaren that their car may be even slower in China, a leading scientist has expressed concern about the effect this may have on the very fabric of time itself.

‘The MP4-30 is already disturbingly slow,’ noted leading expertness expert Professor Ken Freeply of Nigel Havers College, Kettering. ‘It is my concern that if it gets even slower it will actually enter a state we call “negative speed”. If that happens, it could change the rotation of the earth and thereby turn back time itself, a bit like in that documentary, Superman.’

However, McLaren driver Jenson Button remained sanguine about the possibility of his car accidentally tearing a hole in the space-time continuum. ‘Yea, that’ll probably happen,’ he sighed. ‘All I know is, I’m getting paid. La la la, whatever.’

His colleague Fernando Alonso was equally slightly giggly and unfussed, like this was all too terrible to take seriously. ‘Yea, I hope we go back in time to when I was at Renault,’ he smirked. ‘Honestly, anything could happen, but that’s because I’m assuming all this is a big dream.’

Back in Kettering, Professor Freeply was adamant a time reversal was a very real threat at this weekend’s race. ‘It could happen,’ he warned. ‘F1 must act now before we all fall prey to a phenomenon I call MastercardLolality.’

Prof Freeply later denied that his calculations were ‘shit’.

Exclusive! Hamilton contract details revealed

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, April 1st, 2015

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

As Lewis Hamilton prepares to sign a new deal with Mercedes, Sniff Petrol has obtained exclusive details of what’s in the British driver’s next contract.

Contract of employment between Mercedes AMG Petronas Formula 1 (hereafter referred to as ‘The team’) and Lewis Carl Davidson Hamilton (hereafter referred to as ‘L Ham Diddy boyeeeee’)

Yearly contractual requirements as follows

– 31 million US dollars (to be referred to at ALL TIMES as ‘Benjamins’)

– 31.1 million hats

– 31.2 million slightly different beard designs

– DO NOT let me get back with her

– One item of ostentatious gold jewellery per race

– No seriously, if she calls say I’m in the bath

– Larger and more ridiculous sunglasses

– If she turns up to a race, just tell her I’m not there or something

– 40.2 million hashtags

– Emergency noise cancelling machine in case she turns up and starts speaking

– #blessings (various)

Vettel books in with finger physio

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, March 30th, 2015

Sebastian Vettel, yesterday

Sebastian Vettel, yesterday

Buoyed by their surprise victory in the Malaysian Grand Prix, newly-confident Ferrari have booked Sebastian Vettel into an intensive session with his finger physio.

‘If we have won once, we can win again,’ noted the team’s staff and driver wellbeing manger, Stefan Driverwellbeingmanager. ‘And if that’s the case, we can’t risk Seb’s finger being in anything but peak pointing fitness.’

Team insiders say the intensive finger training regime is as a result of fears that Vettel’s finger is out of practise. ‘Of course Seb has used his finger since joining Ferrari,’ admitted one insider. ‘But only for light work such as to accompany him saying “Excuse me, is this the way to the canteen?” or “Hey, who left this pile of vodka bottles here?”.’

Ferrari insiders say the intensive finger training regime is a sign of a new-found attention to detail inside the factory. ‘We cannot leave anything to chance,’ admitted one high ranking source. ‘And if this doesn’t work, I guess we’ll just have to sack everyone and start again. Again.’

Ecclestone plan progresses

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, March 23rd, 2015

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

With the cancellation of this year’s German Grand Prix, microscopic doll’s hairstyle enthusiast Bernard Ecclestone has moved a step closer to his ultimate goal of really, really pissing off F1 fans.

‘Bernie’s dream is that by 2021, F1 fans are really, really pissed off,’ revealed an FOM insider. ‘And one of the ways he can achieve that is by getting rid of all the races at tracks they like. Silverstone, Monza, he’s hoping to do something about those too. Think of a race you like. He’s probably doing his best to bin it. Unless you like slow processions around industrial estates plastered in Rolex logos, in which case, knock yourself out.’

‘I can’t say what Bernie’s next move will be in his plan to really, really piss off F1 fans,’ added our mole. ‘But suffice to say, if any country wants to force him pay $100m to make a legal problem go away, he can certainly look at ways to knacker their Grand Prix.’