Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Ferrari used the recent Beijing Motor Show to preview the powertrain for its forthcoming ‘F70’ hypercar incorporating a radical hybrid system known as MASSA-KERS.

The new technology has been inspired by Ferrari’s recent Formula 1 experiences and will work in league with the car’s 6.3-litre V12 petrol engine to deliver what Maranello sources say will be ‘unprecedented levels of mediocrity’.

Ferrari insiders say the innovative MASSA-KERS system will give the forthcoming Enzo replacement many unique qualities including worse than expected performance, the ability to reduce power when it detects another vehicle approaching from behind, and a system that can complain about the chassis even though other cars using the same chassis seem to be doing okay.

Sources say that in the course of a normal journey, the F70 will experience a gradual drop off in speed but that, thanks to a state-of-the-art voice recognition module, the driver can attempt to extract slightly better performance by saying encouraging things to the powertrain in a flat North Eastern accent.

Ferrari is confident that anyone who experiences MASSA-KERS will very quickly start to wonder why the company is persevering with the system and why in God’s name it doesn’t try something different.

Formula 1 created fresh controversy this week with news that Anders Breivik is to be allowed to set up an F1 team.

The far-right Norwegian was originally granted permission to enter the sport last year but this licence was then withdrawn due to concerns that his behaviour was ‘unstable’. The sport’s ruling body vowed not to grant Breivik the right to enter a team until ‘stability’ had returned to his mental state. Although he has subsequently bombed Oslo and shot 69 people on the island of Utøya, F1 clearly considers this is now the case.

The decision to allow Breivik to enter Formula 1 is ‘not about the money’, according to F1 boss Bernard Ecclestone. ‘Anders Breivik is entered into Formula 1. It’s all scheduled,’ Mr Ecclestone said. ‘And although I essentially own, run and completely control the sport, I can’t do anything about that. It’s up to the teams.’

However, none of the current teams seemed willing take a stand against the inclusion of a mass murderer in the paddock. ‘We completely trust the decision of F1’s ruling body and it would be wrong of us to make assumptions about bringing a notorious terrorist into our ranks,’ said one unnamed team principle. ‘Though of course we see nothing wrong with failing to engage in any sort of debate about it and therefore appearing to endorse a dangerous psychopath who killed 77 innocent people’.

F1’s top drivers were equally unwilling to condemn Breivik’s arrival in the sport. ‘I’m a Formula 1 driver; it’s not my job to think about stuff,’ said one leading championship contender. ‘It’s my job to inadvertently portray myself as a weak, robotic component of the car with no opinions on anything’.

Meanwhile, those on the edge of F1 were more forthcoming in their views; ‘How can a man like Anders Breivik be allowed to run a team?’ said Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘He’s a dangerous, cruel, petty, deeply evil sociopath. He should be running the sport itself.’

Vettel arrives for his crazy party, yesterday

Newly crowned F1 world champion Sebastian Vettel yesterday celebrated his second consecutive driver’s title with a typically ‘wild und crazy’ party in Tokyo.

Red Bull sources say the party started at 5pm when vast tables were laid out, groaning under the weight of free drinks including Pepsi, 7-Up, and Tizer. The tables also accommodated a sumptuous spread of food that included cheese on sticks, small slices of pizza, and jelly. ‘There were an incredible SIX flavours of crisps!’ said one team insider. ‘Seven, if you count ready salted as a flavour.’

Guests for the lavish party included Adrian Sutil, Nico Rosberg, Sebastian Buemi, Jamie Alguersuari, and Felipe Massa, although Ferrari later forced him to give his invitation to Fernando Alonso.

One guest, who asked not to be named, confirmed that the party was even wilder than expected. ‘At one point the music just stopped,’ our VIP revealed. ‘And then we all sat down, but there were not enough chairs and Pastor Maldonado was out of the game!’

Red Bull spies confirm that the party went on until at least 8:30pm when Vettel himself decided he was tired and got his parents to take him home.

Vettel’s championship celebrating antics contrast with those of Kimi Raikkonen who went on a 48 hour bender with two friends, consuming over 750 litres of vodka and five tonnes of ice cream in the process. Quite why Raikkonen felt the need to celebrate Vettel’s second F1 championship remains a mystery.

1959 – Fidel Castro seizes power in Cuba. Human rights groups express concern about machinery of repression. Formula 1 organisers express delight at plans for 1960 Havana Grand Prix.

1973 – General Pinochet sets up Chilean military dictatorship. FOCA ‘extremely interested’ in establishing Santiago Grand Prix.

1975 – Mass executions across Cambodia. F1 bosses say Phnom Phen Grand Prix ‘looks promising’.

1982 – Falkland Islands invaded. Argentinean Grand Prix grudgingly postponed.

1988 – Ayatollah Khomeini accepts UN truce in Iran-Iraq war. Grand Prix of Tehran now ‘on hold’.

1992 – Slobodan Milosevic initiates vast ethnic cleansing programme in Serbia. FIA’s plans for Belgrade GP ‘progressing well’.

1994 – Apartheid ends. South African Grand Prix cancelled.

1997 – Laurent Kabila founds Democratic Republic of the Congo, suspends constitution, perpetuates human rights abuses, maintains talks over possible 1998 Kinshasa GP.

2001 – Burmese military junta mounts new campaign of violence causing thousands to flee their homes. FIA reminds them not to forget their tickets for forthcoming Yangon Grand Prix.

2009 – North Korea carries out nuclear tests. FIA describes facilities for planned Pyongyang GP as ‘very impressive’.

The ongoing injunction controversy continued today with news that a mystery Formula 1 driver has taken out a court order forbidding mention of certain aspects of his life.

The driver’s identity cannot be revealed but he is believed to be from Germany and to drive for a UK-based team. The legal order prevents any mention of key elements of the un-named person’s career, specifically anything relating to the 2011 season so far.

The mystery driver, said to be 42 years old and a multiple world champion, is believed to have taken out the injunction in order to prevent a British newspaper from publishing allegations that he had become ‘shit’.

Rumours circulating on social networking site Twitter also suggest that the anonymous driver – said to have a silver car and a brother called Ralf – has been publicly fucked by his team mate.

Those close to the unidentified driver, whose initials are MS, are said to have advised him to break off the unsuitable relationship that is at the heart of the unmentionable and embarrassing rumours.