Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Vettel now only person left at Ferrari

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, December 18th, 2014

Sebastian Vettel, yesterday

Sebastian Vettel, yesterday

Ferrari has now ‘let go’ of so many people following its underwhelming 2014 season that the only person left working at the factory is Sebastian Vettel.

‘There have been several departures this week,’ said the team’s press spokesman, Sebastian Vettel. ‘But work continues on next season’s car under the supervision of technical director Sebastian Vettel and chief designer, Sebastian Vettel.’

Sources in Maranello say that Vettel is pulling out all the stops to get the new car ready, under direct orders from team principal Sebastian Vettel.

UPDATE: In a shock move, Ferrari team boss Sebastian Vettel has sacked himself. For the time being, his duties will be taken on by a small piece of broken carbon fibre.

UPDATE 2: Spies say an enormously hungover Kimi Raikkonen has just woken up from under a pile of overalls and flags in a store room and is now staggering about the deserted factory muttering ‘oh no, zombie attack’.

Hamilton buys priest

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, December 17th, 2014

An priest, yesterday

An priest, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton has celebrated winning the F1 championship and BBC Sports Personality of the Year by buying a priest.

‘For a long time Lewis has talked about being #blessed,’ said a source close to the British star. ‘Now whenever he says that, he will be actually #blessed by his own personal man of God.’

Our insider says Hamilton feels a great affinity with his new purchase. ‘There’s a lot a similarities between Lewis and the priest,’ he explains. ‘They both have to wear slightly weird clothes as part of their job, they both enjoy a silly hat, they’re both answerable to a big guy.’

Since buying the priest, Hamilton has been travelling everywhere with it and has been given a small impromptu blessing up to 17 times a day. ‘It’s a great bonus for Lewis to be literally #blessed on demand,’ admitted our source. ‘And of course when Nicole says she wants to play him some new songs, the priest will do his best to have a word with the guy upstairs to comply with Lewis’s request to oh God, please make it stop.’

Button gutted to get McLaren drive

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, December 11th, 2014

Jenson Button, yesterday

Jenson Button, yesterday

Jenson Button is said to be ‘gutted’ that McLaren has finally ended its ‘vehicle operative decisional optimisation process’ by announcing him as Fernando Alonso’s partner for next season.

‘Jenson has been overwhelmed by all the support he’s received from fans,’ said a source close to the phlegm-voiced racer. ‘And because of that, he didn’t want to sound rude by admitting that he hates driving for McLaren and doesn’t want to go back there unless he has to.’

‘He was really hoping he wouldn’t have to return to Woking,’ our insider continued. ‘They make you take your shoes off before you enter the factory, you’re not allowed to touch the car in case you get fingerprints on it, and he probably understands about one in every ten things Ron says. It’s terrible. Plus of course, the car is crap and he’ll have to put up with that grumpy Spanish tit next year.’

Our source adds that matters have been made worse for Button by his friend Mark Webber who ‘will not stop’ putting pictures of his Porsche 919 on Facebook.

Insiders say that when Button received news of his 2015 contract, his immediate reaction was to ring 2014 team mate Ken Magnussen, firstly to offer condolences and secondly to ask if he would like to have the seat instead.

‘Unfortunately, it turns out Ken was enormously relieved to hear JB had got the job,’ our mole revealed. ‘He doesn’t want to drive for McLaren either. So that option’s out the window. I think Jenson’s going to give Rubens Barrichello a try.’

McLaren taking a long time says gestating elephant

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, December 10th, 2014

The McLaren factory, yesterday

The McLaren factory, yesterday

McLaren is taking ‘a long time’ to decide between Jenson Button and Ken Magnussen, according to a gestating baby elephant Sniff Petrol spoke to yesterday. ‘God, I thought I was taking ages,’ the in-utero pachyderm said. ‘But I look like I’m rushing things compared to a bunch of boring, indecisive men in a grey room near Woking.’

Quick to agree with the gestating elephant was popular band The Stone Roses. ‘Fook me,’ said lead singer Ian Brown, speaking from inside his five bedroom parka jacket in Altrincham. ‘In the time it’s taking them to make a fooking decision we could have recorded our second album. And released it. And had people say it was disappointing. That’s how fooking long McLaren are taking. Fook.’

‘Man, they’re taking a long time,’ agreed manky looking Guns ‘n’ Roses frontman Axl Rose, chewing on a snake. ‘Are they firing their whole band, falling out with their label, blowing millions of dollars in studio time, and recording the album Chinese Democracy, or are they just deciding between two fucking guys?’

‘It’s certainly taking them a long time,’ noted a probe passing through deep space in order to intercept a comet. ‘In fact, the guys at mission control are taking bets. Will McLaren actually make their mind up before I arrive on the comet. I’m not a betting probe, but a four million mile journey through space seems like a rush job compared to some tedious men procrastinating in Surrey.’

‘Oh my God, why is this taking so long?’ said a glacier. ‘Why can’t the useless dullards just make up their fucking minds?’

CORRECTION: This story wrongly attributes one of its quotes to ‘a glacier’. This should of course have read ‘Jenson Button’.

Thieves target Ferrari factory

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, December 9th, 2014

The Ferrari factory, yesterday

The Ferrari factory, yesterday

Just days after Red Bull was subject to a daring smash-and-grab raid, thieves have now targeted the Ferrari F1 factory in Maranello in an audacious overnight break-in.

Sources in Italy say the burglars were looking for trophies marking wins in races from the 2014 season. They were also targeting the valuable silverware that comes from scoring a top three finish in the drivers’ or constructors’ championships during the last year.

More worryingly, it’s believed the intruders’ main intention was to steal the blueprints for making a quick and successful Formula 1 car and to kidnap the person who unifies and leads the whole team to glory.

The thieves left empty handed.

 

 

VW announces F1-inspired special

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, December 8th, 2014

An Golf, yesterday

An Golf, yesterday

Volkswagen has announced a new limited edition Golf, created to celebrate the annual rumours that the company is entering Formula 1.

The Golf F1 Bullshit Edition will come with a vast range of standard equipment, all of which will turn out to be completely fictional. It will be powered by an in-house VW engine which does not exist.

The interior of the new model is trimmed entirely in vague and unfactual news stories whilst the dashboard bears a plaque containing the German word for ‘oh God, not this shit again’.

The Golf F1 Bullshit Edition is available to order from today, although a senior VW spokesman has already reminded potential customers that there is no such thing.

More engine freeze controversy

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, December 3rd, 2014

An Honda engine, yesterday

An Honda engine, yesterday

The F1 engine freeze was the subject of controversy again today after an exceedingly literal Honda turned up to last week’s Abu Dhabi test with a 2.4-litre V8.

‘What’s the problem?’ said Honda spokesperson Mya Thdreems. ‘The engine freeze clearly says you can’t change your engine from last time. And the last time we were in F1 was 2008. So our engine is the RA808E. Smell our 18,000rpm rev limit bitches.’

‘This isn’t fair,’ said all other F1 teams. ‘Their car sounds cool.’

‘I look forward to driving the new car,’ said Jenson Button. ‘Sorry, no. Not that. I meant, I look forward to the team making up its fucking mind.’

Exclusive! The man behind Maldonado

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, December 1st, 2014

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

Pastor Maldonado, yesterday

Lotus has confirmed that it will continue for the 2015 season with the man who plays Pastor Maldonado.

Sniff Petrol spoke exclusively to British actor Lysander Cretchley who has been the hapless Venezuelan driver for the past four years.

‘It’s a simply wonderful part and I’m delighted to stay in the role next year,’ Cretchley said, relaxing in the Lotus motorhome during last week’s Abu Dhabi test session. ‘We have such fun with Pastor. To me, he’s a mix of Zorro, Inspector Clouseau and a very confused monkey. Such fun!’

‘Although I was born in London, my  mother is of Spanish descent and I think that gave me the right look for the part,’ Cretchley reveals. ‘Although of course, the wonderful make-up artists have enhanced Pastor’s look, particularly around the eyes to really bring out that sense of deep set panic and bafflement.’

However, Cretchley admits there is some overlap between real life and the part he plays. ‘I’m no method actor and I have to confess, I can’t actually drive!’ he chuckles. ‘But that works perfectly with the role. Every time I put the car into the wrong gear, spin off the track at the first turn, or run over a mechanic’s foot it we all have a laugh about it. ‘That’s Pastor!’ we say!’

‘Of course, if we’re planning something really tricky like a big crash or a run-in with another driver, my stunt double Pietro will be in the car,’ Cretchley reveals. ‘When the writers decided that Pastor should actually win a race, Pietro did all the hard work. That was an easy day for me! I just had to go up onto the podium and look pleased, but also a bit scared and confused.’

F1 fans may wonder why Lotus is persevering with a RADA trained actor playing a hapless buffoon when it could put a proper driver in the car, something Cretchley is quick to explain. ‘Well the cover story has always been that Pastor brings a lot of money to the team,’ he says, sipping a peppermint tea. ‘But the truth is, having a bungling oaf in the car brings levity to the Formula 1 story arc, and a proper driver wouldn’t get the Lotus on television half as much as I do by blundering about the place sliding onto the grass for no apparent reason on a sighting lap!’

‘Oooh nooo, I haf poooshed the wroooong pedale again!’ Cretchley quips, slipping seamlessly into Maldonado’s distinctive accent. ‘It’s a wonderful role and I can’t wait for you to see what we’ve got planned for next season. Suffice to say, he’s not going to get any better at driving!’

Hamilton brought back down to earth

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, November 28th, 2014

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday

A jubilant Lewis Hamilton has been shaken from the elation of his second F1 world championship after realising that he must spend the next few months with the sound of Nicole Scherzinger.

‘Lewis is used to having a high pitched, painful noise right next to his ear,’ said a source close to the driver. ‘But for 19 weekends a year he can at least drown her out by driving his F1 car. In the off season, however, there’s only so many times he can claim he needs to ‘go away testing’.’

Sources say Hamilton’s other complaints about having to spend the whole winter with his girlfriend include ‘shower full of shampoo products’, ‘yoghurt for every meal’ and ‘still doesn’t understand difference between qualifying and race’.

‘After winning his second title Lewis can’t wait for the next season to begin,’ our mole continued. ‘Not because he wants to start trying for a third championship but because it means he can get away from that voice. It’s like crows being punched through a wood chipper.’

Vergne to return to old job

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, November 27th, 2014

Jean-Eric Vergne, yesterday

Jean-Eric Vergne, yesterday

Following news that he has been dropped by Toro Rosso, Jean-Eric Vergne is to return to his old job as that irritatingly cool French snowboarding instructor your girlfriend fancies when you go on a week’s winter holiday in the Alps.

‘Zis is a job zat Jean-Eric loves,’ said one of his fellow instructors, casually drawing on an untipped Gitanes and staring wistfully down the valley, as if composing sensitive poetry in his head. ‘For sure, driving a Formula 1 car is satisfying. But not as satisfying as sweeping your snowboard to a perfect stop outside the equipment shop whilst smoking a cigarette without using your hands and then sauntering into the bar next door for a very small, strong coffee, strenuously pretending that you don’t know there are girls watching you.’

‘Jean-Eric is sorry to be leaving Toro Rosso after three seasons,’ said an official statement from Vergne’s management. ‘But he looks forward to getting back to meeting another man’s girlfriend on a skiing holiday and making her fall in love with his insouciant beany hat and casual snowboarding. If you would like to meet later, he will be sitting alone in Bar Roscoe in the village looking thoughtful whilst drinking a small, mysterious glass of spirits which he helped himself to from behind the counter because he knows the owner. Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?’