Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

A McLaren Honda, yesterday

Earlier today McLaren announced an engine supply deal with Honda, starting in two season’s time. Now spies within the Woking team say the rekindled partnership is just the tip of a very retro iceberg which will see the number one driver slot for 2015 occupied by French racing legend Alain Prost.

‘We’re going really old school with this,’ said a team insider. ‘And what better way to wind things back to the late ‘80s than by getting Alain in the car. He’s quick, he’s experienced and he still has the same hairstyle.’

According to our mole, the shock signing of a 58-year-old driver is part of a raft of extraordinarily backward-looking moves from McLaren which also includes asking Vodafone to make their logo look ‘more Marlboro-y’ and lobbying for the return of the Portuguese Grand Prix.

Most shockingly, insiders say McLaren is working flat out on Prost’s 2015 team mate which they intend to be an animatronic recreation of Ayrton Senna. Spies say the Senna robot borrows much of the technology that allows Ron Dennis to display basic human emotions and will contain a special algorithm that makes it wait until the end of the season before it twats into Prost.

‘This new deal with Honda has really inspired us,’ our factory insider gushed. ‘Although obviously it won’t last forever and we’re already planning for 2019 when we switch to a generic Ford engine and then 2020 when our MP4-35 will be forced to use a catastrophically crap Peugeot V10.’

‘Mind you,’ he added. ‘It’ll still be faster than this season’s car.’

Nico Rosberg, yesterday

Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal that Nico Rosberg is to be given pole position at every Grand Prix for the rest of the season in a sensational F1 conspiracy designed to promote greater on-track action.

‘After Nico managed actual pole in Bahrain and Spain we couldn’t help noticing that it gave quite an interesting start to the race,’ said our F1 mole. ‘There was lots of this so-called “overtaking” business and for some reason TV viewers seem to like that. So, for the rest of the season we’ve decided to rig qualifying to give us a driver on pole who cannot sustain that position for very long.’

According to our source, the Mercedes driver’s natural combination of strong starts and an ability to go backwards very soon afterwards made him the only choice for this remarkable manipulation. ‘We thought about other drivers but Hamilton is too difficult and Webber always makes a cock of the start,’ our spy confided. ‘Of course, there’s always Jenson Button but putting that McLaren on pole would be completely unbelievable.’

Sniff Petrol’s sweaty faced, unpaid information hole Wurke Esperiense previews this weekend’s race.

It is a common mistake amongst English speakers to believe that Circuit de Catalunya literally translates as ‘Circuit of Catalonia’. In fact, the name has nothing to do with the surrounding area and derives from an unhygienic local practise involving sardines.

From 2006 until 2012 the Spanish Grand Prix was sponsored by successful Spanish firms like Telefonica and Santander. Now that Spain has no money left, the 2013 race is officially entitled Gran Premio de Espana El Bailiffo.

The main straight at the Circuit de Catalunya is modelled on La Rambla, the famous main street through Barcelona itself. As a result, every driver is relentlessly pestered by mediocre street artists as they pass the pits and when they enter the DRS activation zone they will almost certainly have their wallet stolen.

In 2006 Alain Prost capitalised on the Spanish race’s famous inability to hold the attention by sneaking onto the track in an old Ligier chassis powered by a Peugeot XUD engine he found in a scrapyard. He was able to clatter around for 27 laps before being spotted, shortly after overtaking Jarno Trulli’s Toyota.

Michael Schumacher won the Spanish Grand Prix a record six times. In 2004 this achievement was recognised by Spanish fans who voted to rename turn three as The Shovel Faced Cheating Kraut Bastard Bend.

Spain is the most bigoted race on the Grand Prix calendar. In 2009 Lewis Hamilton famously suffered racist abuse from the Spanish crowd but it was less widely reported that at the same race Rubens Barichello was mocked for appearing to have learning difficulties and Sebastien Buemi was subjected a series of satirical dance routines because his name sounds a bit like the Catalan word for ‘bender’.

A hashtag, yesterday

There was consternation at Lotus this week as the team announced the imminent departure of its Hashtags Director, James Unfunnie.

Unfunnie is seen by many as the man responsible for evolving the Enstone team’s Twitter presence from casual and informative to relentless and extremely irritating.  He is also credited with Lotus’s profoundly annoying habit of adopting unamusing hashtags and then appending them to their Tweets ad nauseam without realising that no one else is using them and that, as a result, they are not only smugly irritating but also utterly redundant.

Lotus is quick to admit that Unfunnie’s departure will come as a blow and that it is already looking for his replacement. ‘We will of course replace James in due course, as soon as we can find someone with no self awareness and no sense of humour whatsoever,’ confirmed a spokesman. ‘I don’t suppose you have a number for Nigel Mansell?’ he added mysteriously.

Nigel Mansell in the ’90s, yesterday

Jersey police today confirmed they have arrested motorsport legend Nigel Mansell and are questioning him over three allegations relating to his past.

The first matter under investigation dates back to 1995 when it is alleged that Mansell attempted to ‘force himself’ into a McLaren MP4/10 even though he was ‘far too fat’. It is also claimed that in the same year Mansell buggered off after two races and ‘completely fucked’ the McLaren team.

In a second allegation dating back to 1993, prosecutors say they want to ask Mansell about an incident in the East Midlands in which he ‘banged’ a 42-year-old man, thought to be fellow driver Tiff Needell, and then tried to deny it was anything to do with him.

The third and final allegation is more recent, dating back to 2010 when Mansell started the Le Mans 24 hour race and crashed out almost immediately leaving his own sons ‘completely shafted’.

Reporters outside St Helier police station have seen no sign of the British racing legend thus far but are confident he remains inside since they can hear a dull, insistent moaning.

Flavio Briatore, yesterday

Flavio Briatore has ruled out a return to F1, stating emphatically that ‘Formula 1 is like wine, is women, is all things, maybe looking is nice but super sexy time.’

In an interview with Every Other Sunday magazine, the former Renault team principal firmly expressed his ambivalence about future involvement in the sport; ‘Is no time for me to make is happy accident for believe is to make the special,’ the amply gutted swordsman insisted. ‘You know, is me the person, is also the blah blah blah, you know? And that is make what is always forwards and is not always with true but also the heart, because this is the thing, is moment of what happened but that is future also, yes?’

Asked if he missed Formula 1, the sex pesty looking billionaire was equally categorical; ‘Why is make imagination for think, and always think, and be make like believe of the special is okay. You know, all times all be helicopter or is speedboat and is be reason but I say, hey, you know, what is for being crazy time? Is, you know, all of this that make super model or super car or what, you know, is all making consistency magic tasty wibble wobble bibble boddle boom boom boom let me hear you say way-o.’

Flavio Briatore is expected to announce his return to Formula 1 next week.

Toto Wolff before he went bonkers mental, yesterday

There was a commotion at Mercedes F1 headquarters this week with news that team executive director Toto Wolff has finally realised he has ‘a totally kickass name.’

‘Oh my God, I had never noticed before,’ Wolff is said to have shouted in his weird Terminator voice. ‘My name is, like, totally kickass. This is so cool. Get out of my way, I need to start roaming the city solving crimes. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’

Sources in Brackley say that, following his nominal revelation, the probably-deranged Austrian boss has started wearing a cape, humming his own ‘theme tune’ and shouting ‘super awesome!’ before smashing through a series of specially prepared plasterboard walls with his arms, legs and face.

‘We’re doing our best to ignore the whole thing but it’s getting pretty disruptive,’ admitted a team insider. ‘For example, if you don’t refer to his office as ‘The Citadel of Excellence’ he threatens to throw an actual wolf at you.’

In a troubling development, Merc F1 spies say Wolff has now commandeered a white board in the main engineering office to draw up an ‘action list’ of the following aspirations; ‘solve mysteries’, ‘record soft rock album’, ‘destroy BrawnMan’.

Jenson Button, yesterday

Jenson Button has launched a furious attack on McLaren team mate Sergio Perez after the Mexican driver repeatedly tussled with his British counterpart during yesterday’s Bahrain Grand Prix.

‘Checo’s behaviour out there was ridiculous,’ Button fumed last night. ‘Apparently he was doing something called ‘racing’ in which a driver tries to get past another driver to enable them to obtain a better finishing position and therefore score more world championship points. I’ve never heard of anything so dangerous in my life.’

Button was quick to rebuff suggestions that TV viewers might have enjoyed seeing the two McLarens in wheel-to-wheel combat on the Bahrain circuit. ‘Yea, apparently some people found it ‘entertaining’ or something,’ the British driver snapped. ‘And honestly, they’re completely missing the point of the sport. Formula 1 isn’t about two well-matched cars relentlessly overtaking each other in a tense battle of nerve and skill; Formula 1 is about carefully looking after your tyres and waiting for people with laptops to calculate a strategy for pit stops and fuel conservation.’

‘Look, I had enough of this ‘overtaking’ shit with the last guy,’ the Frome-born racer concluded in that funny voice of his that sounds like he needs to do a big cough. ‘With him gone, this season I was promised a bitch. Does anyone have a number for Felipe Massa?’

Pustulent Portuguese Wikipedia enthusiast Wurke Esperiense looks forward to this weekend’s F1 action.

If you are visiting the Bahrain Grand Prix it’s worth remembering that banned items include alcohol, freedom of speech and anything that depicts Angela Lansbury.

Since Bahrain is a dry country, organisers have had to find an alternative to Champagne for the drivers on the podium. In Abu Dhabi they give out rose water whereas in Bahrain they use the carbonated tears of children whose fathers have been imprisoned without trial.

In 2012 a  group of protesters gathered outside the entrance to the track. The thing they were protesting about was the race itself which they claimed was ‘usually quite boring’. All involved were later arrested and killed.

The track itself is tough on brakes, tyres, cooling systems and anyone who dares to question its authority.

One person who sees no human rights issues whatsoever in Bahrain is triple world champion Sir Jackie Stewart. ‘Everything here is perfectly fine,’ he said, speaking from his 12 room suite inside one of the Bahraini royal family’s many, many palaces.

Last year’s Bahrain race was won by Sebastian Vettel, a feat he managed without betraying anyone. Third place was taken by Romain Grosjean before he decided to stop crashing into things and being fast.

The Red Bull pit wall, yesterday

The Red Bull soap opera of recent weeks is set to get even more interesting with news that the team has signed top-heavy acting stalwart Barbara Windsor as its new Director of Racing.

‘This is tremendously exciting news,’ said Ralf Gressingham, the British actor who plays Red Bull driver Mark Webber. ‘Babs is a national treasure and I can’t wait to see what she brings to role. Knowing her penchant for strong characters, there are sure to be some on-screen fireworks!’ he quipped.

The ongoing drama’s other British-born star, Tristram Duvall, who plays German racer Sebastian Vettel, is equally pleased to welcome the Cockney legend to the pit lane; ‘This is such a thrilling development,’ he gushed. ‘I think viewers have reacted in a really positive way to the darker side of Sebastian which was revealed in the last episode and it’s certainly changed his on-screen relationship with Mark so to bring Babs in now is going to make things wonderfully tense. I can’t say too much about her role at the moment but you can bet she’s going to really bang our heads together!’ he quipped.

‘Ms Windsor will be joining us very shortly and will make an explosive start when it emerges that she is not Adrian Newey’s real mother,’ a Red Bull source confirmed. ‘Duf… duf… duf dufduf dufadufa…’ he added enigmatically.