Archive for the ‘Columns’ Category

The spider inside your passenger door mirror writes…

Posted in Columns by The spider inside your passenger door mirror on Monday, September 29th, 2014

SpiderindoormirrorHi there!

As you might have noticed, over the weekend someone – mentioning no names! – managed to knock down the web I’d built between the passenger door and the passenger-side door mirror of your car. Again!

Well, just to let you know I’ve been working flat out and the good news is, the web is rebuilt! It was a rush job and it’s not quite as big as before but don’t worry, it’s a work in progress and I’m confident I can make it just as large and just as covered in tiny bits of leaf!

I’m sure you’re probably concerned about some other aspects of the web such as whether it will blow away if you drive at high speed on the motorway. Well, I have marvellous news! It won’t! In fact, I’m pretty confident that no matter how fast you drive, the web will still be there! You’ll forget about it when you get out of your car but rest assured, you’ll notice it when you’re driving along!

You may also have some worries about what do when washing your car. Well, I’m afraid in such circumstances the web will be damaged but don’t worry about me. No matter how much water you spray into the passenger-side door mirror the great news is, I’ll be okay! You see, I received water survival training from my cousin. I think you might know him actually. He’s in your bath as we speak!

By the way, if this new web does not meet with your satisfaction, please do let me know. I can always build another one! And another one! And another one! In fact, I’m more than happy to keep building them for the rest of the time you own the car! And I will!

All the best!

The spider inside your passenger door mirror

Nailed like your sister

Posted in Columns by Colby Dousche on Friday, September 26th, 2014

ColbyDouscheUS auto writer COLBY DOUSCHE returns with another missive from the Americas

Full disclosure – No one paid me to write this.

So I’m hangin’ in NoCal on the event for some milquetoast grocery getter when this smooth sac newbie comes up and he’s all like, hey buddy, do you know Dan Neil, and I’m like, hey no-pubes, do you know what it’s like to be smacked in the mouth?

Full disclosure – I didn’t actually say this out loud.

So this kid’s barely out of fuckin’ kindergarten and writing for some website I wouldn’t wipe my dick on so I figure it’s time to show him how a big dog smashes it and later he can tell his mommy that today he met the real Dousche. Now normally on an event yours truly strictly flies solo, and I’m not talking about last night’s encounter with three bottles of Coors and the gentleman’s pay channel.

Full disclosure – If you’re gonna complain about the weeping from the room next door, don’t stay in a fucking hotel, cockwallet.

Anyways, today I’m gonna make an exception to the a cappella rule so I can show this school bus shit streak how it’s done. First job, donkey punch the PR Poindexter until he coughs the keys to a car with a sweet ass stick shift which is rarely a problem when every buff book ballsack on the event thinks anything but losermatic is gonna burn off too much cholesterol.

Full disclosure – I breakfasted Dousche-style. One egg white twice griddled over-under, a slug of Jack and I’m good to go.

So I key the motor and tell the glasses-wearing wiener in the bitch seat to hang the fuck on ‘cuz this is about to get real. I’m barely out of the lot and I’m totally whipping it ‘cuz within, like, 30 seconds the red line is getting nailed like your sister on prom night and the tires are screaming like your other sister when she saw me outside the window last year.

Full disclosure – Do you have any idea how difficult it is to masturbate in a tree?

So I’m working the chassis like a 40 dollar whore when I look over and see the little piss dribble to my right is pulling out his fucking GoPro and I’m like, what the fuck? He’s all like, you never seen one of these and I’m like, fuck you, I invented fucking GoPro, kid.

Full disclosure – I did not invent GoPro. I have owned several, however, and still would if Bakersfield fucking PD hadn’t taken them as evidence.

So this skinny shower of shit says he’s gotta shoot video for his fucking lilly ass website and that’s when I realise I really gotta take this loser to school. Not literally. The State of California still insists I maintain a 50 yard exclusion zone. But if you want fucking web video, you’ve come to the right guy. So I say to him, kid, quit fucking whining about which side of the road we’re on and hold the fuckin’ camera steady while I talk about myself. But this fucking dufus, he’s not down with that and fuck me, he will not stop screaming.

Full disclosure – The sidewalk is still part of the road, dickwad.

Long story short, was I right about this? Hells yea. This snot nosed shitbin put his footage on fucking YouTube and it’s a frigging online sensation. Just search ‘On board – total idiot crashes Hyundai into Starbucks’. Yea, I planned that. ‘Cuz when it comes to web video, I piss excellence. And also a little blood.

Full disclosure – I’m awesome.

Colby Dousche is Awesomeness Editor at carsnark.com

2014 Singapore GP preview

Posted in Columns by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, September 19th, 2014

trenthamsleaves1F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks forward to this weekend’s race

There’s a wonderful atmosphere to the F1 paddock here in Singapore and it’s one that you can’t really explain unless you are here, which of course I am. Perhaps it’s the twinkling lights of this majestic city or the cloaking veil of darkness around it, but either way there is a magic that just doesn’t come across unless you are actually standing right behind the pit garages chatting to your old mate Ron Dennis who is once again pretending not to remember who you are! People simply do not realise what a marvellous sense of humour dear old Ron actually has!

Formula 1 is in many ways a sport of habit and the same little groups of the great and good tend to dine at the same places whenever the travelling circus is in town. In Singapore that means Lorenzo’s, a wonderful little Italian place that discretion prevents me from telling you more about. Suffice to say, the food is superb although a certain well-known 1996 world champion and dear friend of mine would probably tell you to avoid the four seasons pizza! In fact, I texted him to remind him of this only yesterday. He didn’t reply of course. He never does!

As I dined alone at Lorenzo’s last night I had time to reflect on what a season it has been so far and how exciting it is to have a close race between my good mate Nico Rosberg and my old chum Lewis Hamilton. I saw Lew only yesterday and asked him how he was feeling about his prospects. ‘No comment!’ he quipped as he kept on walking. Such a character!

As to who will win this nocturnal spectacle on Sunday, I think it would be very foolish to attempt any speculation but I would definitely say a Mercedes is likely to take it unless Red Bull can come up with something special or one of the ever-stronger Williams drivers can deliver, though of course one should never discount Ferrari or even Force India or McLaren. Whatever happens, rest assured I will have a trackside seat for all the action.

Because remember, I’m here and you’re not.

The return of Ask a Total Prick From An Internet Forum

Posted in Columns by Total Prick From An Internet Forum on Wednesday, September 17th, 2014

TPFAIF_4Your questions answered by an online titwhisk who wouldn’t dare speak like this in real life

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
I’ve read reviews of the new Porsche Cayman GTS in several car magazines and it sounds brilliant. Do you think it would make a good replacement for my BMW Z4M?
Nick, London

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
This is a joke, right? Don’t you know all car magazines are paid off by Porsche to say their – awful IMHO – cars are brilliant. This is a fact. They know nothing except where their next fat pay-off from a German car company is coming from. This has been proven time and time again. If you want further proof of how little so-called professional car journalists know, I once read one of them describing the Honda Civic Type-S as ‘disappointing’. I’ve owned my HCTS for over four years now and not once have I been ‘disappointed’. It’s simply the best car I have ever owned. End of.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
After watching Chris Harris’s video review of the BMW M235i I’m seriously considering one. Am I mad?
Hem, Leeds

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
Are you mad? No, you’re an idiot. Don’t you know that Harris, like all car journalists, is paid off by BMW and VW and Porsche to say good things about their (woeful) cars. You should also know he can’t drive. Fact. If you believe anything any car journalist says then, no offence, you’re more stupid than you sound. Seriously, I’ve done over three track days and I’d like to see these so-called ‘experts’ keep up with a well driven HCTS, never mind write something other than blatant lies and total rubbish about it whilst staying in a five star hotel at someone else’s expense. They couldn’t. Simple as.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum,
Thanks for your latest submission. As I explained earlier in the year, we’re not looking for new writers at the moment and, if I may be totally honest, your copy is probably a little ‘unpolished’ for us. Thanks for bearing AutoMotoringCar in mind all the same.
All the best,
Pete Hampson, AutoMotoringCar magazine

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies…
I have more articles. I can send them to you or maybe give you a link to my blog. It’s a sideways glance at the world of motoring! I think you’ll really like it! Please read it. Please.

2014 Italian Grand Prix preview

Posted in Columns, Motorsport by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, September 5th, 2014

trenthamsleaves1F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks forward to this weekend’s race

If Formula 1 has a home it’s surely here in la bellisima ambiente of Monza. Standing in the paddock, as I was earlier today, one can almost literally smell the history in the air and taste the sweet dolcelatte of heritage.

I remarked as much to my old mate and multiple Monza winner Damon Hill just yesterday as we walked together down the pit lane. ‘I’m sorry I don’t know what you’re talking about!’ he quipped and then he pretended he needed to speak to someone in the Caterham pit and walked off! Damo has always had, as the locals might say, un senso dell’umorismo fantastico!

Of course, all eyes are on the ongoing battle between my mate Lewis Hamilton and his great rival, and my great friend, Nico Rosberg. It’s pretty clear to me that Lew and Nic won’t be giving each other una centimetre when the lights go out on Sunday. That makes life tricky for my old chum Niki Lauda who I caught up with inside the Mercedes motorhome yesterday morning. ‘How have you got in here again?’ he jested. ‘This is bullshit. Get out!’ he added. As they say around here, molto comico!

Last night as I dined alone in Huang’s, something of a legend in F1 circles and simply the finest ristorante Chineseo in the whole of La Lombardia, I had time to reflect on the legacy of my dear old friend Ayrton Senna who lost his life 20 years ago just a few hundred kilometres from here at a different track.  There’s not a day goes by when I don’t think of dear old Ayrt and I’m sure the feeling is mutual.

As for this Sunday’s race, it would be foolish to speculate on who might take the infamous flagio chequred but you wouldn’t bet against Mercedes or Red Bull although Ferrari could surprise on terreno di casa as could Toro Rosso and you wouldn’t discount Williams or Force India. Whatever happens, I’ll have una posto primo for all the action.

Because remember, I’m here and you’re not.

Roy Lanchester on the Mitsubishi Mirage

Posted in Columns, Roy Lanchester by Roy Lanchester on Thursday, July 31st, 2014

RoyLanchester14Road testing cars is one of the most important parts of a motoring writer’s job but do not assume for one moment that car manufacturers are queuing up to give out their wares, even to highly experienced former local newspaper journalists whose Over The Limit With Roy Lanchester blog is now one of the top 109 car-related blogs in the country. Indeed, for every ‘oh alright we’ll lend you one for a day’ there can be just as many cases of ‘oh we thought you died in 2004’ and ‘oh do piss off you delusional alcoholic’!  However, despite the odds being stacked against him, you will not find this ‘muttering rotter’ filling his blog with blandly complimentary reviews just to keep himself in test cars!

Nonetheless, I was especially looking forward to testing the excellent Mirage, which is an excellent new small car from those excellent people at Mitsubishi. The test car arrived looking excellent in a vibrant shade of green which I was able to admire at length while a typically grumpy delivery driver bent my ear about the ‘hours’ he had been waiting on my doorstep. It’s simply not my fault that lunch at my local pub became a little longer and more refreshing than anticipated, a fact he seemed unable to grasp even as I gave him details of the walking route to the bus stop that would take him to the other bus to the station.

The next day I was delighted to be able to take the excellent Mirage out for a spin and discover just how excellent it is. First impressions are of a commanding driving position with all controls falling easily to hand. It’s out on the open road, however, where this excellent car really excels. The ride is excellent and would shame a Rolls-Royce whilst the whole car truly corners as if it is on rails. Performance is excellent too with impressive numbers on the Mitsubishi website such as Max. output kw (bhp) at rpm 59 (79) 6,000 Max. torque Nm (lb.ft) at rpm 106 (78) 4,000 Acceleration 0-62 mph secs 11.7 Maximum speed mph (kph) 112 (180). When behind the wheel, performance feels even more excellent than that.

In controlled conditions I was able to really open her up and saw impressive speeds in excess of 80mph. The Mirage handled this with excellent aplomb and I’m pleased to report it is also impressively composed when the driver is passed by a police car going in the other direction, remembers the amount of wine he had with lunch and is forced to swerve into a field, dump the car behind a hedge and walk home through the woods.

If I had one criticism, which I don’t, it would be that the Mirage has simply no flaws whatsoever and is excellent. Excellent.

Roy Lanchester is the motoring correspondent for Amateur Scaffolding magazine and founder of Over The Limit with Roy Lanchester a blog which takes a sideways glance at the world of motoring (blogmaker.com/freeblog/overthelimitwithroylanchester57)

D.I. Blundell done report from Hungary 2014

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

DIBlundellnewOn Sunday 28th July I done proceed in an easterly direction to the Hungarian Grand Prix, what done be in Hungary. Here I done observe that driving conditions done be, in fairness, moist. This done pose a challenge to motorists what done have to be careful to done choose the right tyres.

This done be brought home to me when I done observe a green Caterham vehicle driven by a Mr M. Ericsson of Sweden, near Sweden, what done lose control and done collide with what done be, to be honest, a wall. This incident done quickly be followed by what be, in fairness, a very similar incident in which a black Lotus vehicle driven by a Mr R. Grosjean of France, near France, done also lose control and done also done hit what was, to be fair, another wall. I done conclude that the only difference between these incidents done be that the second one done occur at lower speed and done also be because the driver was, in fairness, a muppet.

Later the same afternoon I done observe a Mr S. Perez of Mexico, in Mexico, who done collide with a Mr N. Hulkenberg of the Germany area of Germany. This done be an unfortunate situation since both persons done be driving Force India vehicles and that done make this incident bad, in fairness, form. Mr Perez done later collide with what done done be, to be honest, the pit wall and this done write off his company car which done displease his boss, a Mr V.J. Mallya of the India region of India who done have, in fairness, shit hair.

I later done observe a purple Red Bull vehicle driven by a Mr S. Vettel of disappointing form who done lose control at what done be, to be honest, the same place as Mr Perez but he done be able to done regain control of the vehicle what done be, in fairness, skill.

There done be so many incidents that I done run out of space in my notebook when a black Lotus driven by a Mr P. Maldonado done collide with a red and white Marussia vehicle driven by a Mr J. Bianchi but this done be okay because I done keep a page free for Mr Maldonado’s incident since it done be, to be honest, inevitable since he done be, in fairness, useless.
Over and out.

Pushing dimes up my dick

Posted in Columns by Colby Dousche on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2014

US auto writer COLBY DOUSCHE returns with his unique take on cars

ColbyDouscheSo I’m sitting at home last week when I get a call from my buddy Todd. You’d like Todd. He’s literally the best goddam drummer I’ve ever seen. This dude can drum Moon, Bonham and Copeland under the table and still find time to be assistant manager of a big ass Taco Bell. Problem is, Todd knows jack about cars. So he calls my cell and he’s all like, Hey Dousche, I’m gonna buy a new car. And I’m like, dude, you need me with you. And he’s like, I just called for advice, there’s no need for you to come with. And I’m like, dude, I’m coming along. You think I’d rather sit at home pushing dimes up my dick?

Full disclosure – I only tried that once.

So we’re in my Sentra – aka The Beast – and Todd’s all like, this is what I got to spend and I just want a neat car that doesn’t use much gas and shit. I’m like, shut the fuck up, I’m the fucking auto writer here and I know exactly what you need. Two words: Cor Vette. And Todd’s all like, see this is why Corey says you’re a dick and wouldn’t let you join the band even after the old guitarist died. So I’m like, fine. What you need is a fucking Fiesta ‘cos it’s got a fucking awesome stick shift and a sweet ass chassis. I’m like, seriously dude, I took a Fiesta to Willow this one time and I totally nailed it past, like, 50 dudes in Ferraris and Lamborghinis and shit. Sure, that was mainly cuz I know how to fucking drive and I’m not some lard ass, buff book, corporate cock licker but anyways, the Fiesta rocked at the Big W.

Full disclosure – My therapist says some of this stuff is only happening in my mind.

Anyways, Todd’s all like, fuck the Fiesta man, I’m just gonna buy another Corolla cuz it’s cheap and it doesn’t use a lot of gas. But then he’s all like, it’s a good car, right? I’m doing the right thing, yea? And I’m like, hey, what do you want from me here? Do I look like Consumer fucking Reports?

Full disclosure – No. I’ve heard it say I look like Jack White but heavier or Jack Black but muskier.

So to stop his bitchass whining, and also because Shanice told him to be back at work by 2pm, we go to the Toyota dealership and I tell him no messing, let me handle this. So straightaways I ask to see the manager. The way I see it, you gotta let ‘em know a big dog is in the house. So the junior receptiobitch goes away and out comes this fucking shinybutt suit rack of a manager. Now this dude looks kinda familiar. And he’s all like, hey, weren’t we at high school together and weren’t you the guy who didn’t go to prom but sat outside in his car all night crying and masturbating?

Full disclosure – Fuck you, that was 20 years ago.

So we sit down with this assrag and straight away he’s talking greenbacks like a two bit hooker in a Reno restroom. I’m like, chill out man. Cut the shit and just give us the deets on your sweetest deal. And I can tell I got him on the ropes cuz he’s all like, ‘Sir, would you please allow me to speak with my customer’ and then Todd’s all like, ‘This is why I never call you’ and I’m like, shut the fuck up man, who’s the bitch here?

Full disclosure – It’s not me Uncle Jim, not anymore. Not anymore.

So the chief salesdick says he can get Todd in a ’14 Corolla for blah blah blah and Todd’s like, can you do any better and the guy’s like, if you take the car right now I can fix you up for blah and Todd’s like cool and he took the car right there. True story.

Full disclosure – Toyota did not pay me to tell you this and their PR lady has asked me to stop calling.

Colby Dousche is Awesomeness Editor at carsnark.com

2014 German GP preview

Posted in Columns by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, July 18th, 2014

F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES looks forward to this weekend’s race at Hockenheim

trenthamsleaves1Germany has always been one of my favourite Grand Prix. There’s a magic here that you just can’t put your finger on unless you are standing here in the paddock at Hockenheim, which of course I am. Only yesterday I was saying as much to my dear friend Sir Frank Williams and he agreed with me in his own unique way. ‘I’m sorry, who are you?’ he quipped. Priceless.

Last night I maintained a little tradition that exists amongst a few of us and headed for a legendary restaurant not far from the track which discretion prevents me from naming. Suffice to say, a certain three time world champion Scottish friend of mine will know where I mean! Indeed, I was told that this anonymous gentleman had dined there just recently. I have known dear old Gino who runs the place for more years than we care to remember and asked him if this certain ex-driver had mentioned me whilst enjoy the infamous penne al salmone. ‘What?’ he quipped. Marvellous.

As I dined alone last night, I was able to reflect on what a wonderful motorsport heritage Germany has given us. From von Trips and Stuck to Frentzen and my old mate Nick Heidfeld who never fails to make my laugh with his trademark japes such as completely ignoring me! The elephant in the room in these parts is of course my dear friend Michael Schumacher who we hope and pray continues to regain his health. I have received no reply to my many, many letters but I know for certain the weltmeister has read them all and is thinking of me.

As to this weekend’s race, who will take the legendary black and white flag? It would be foolish to speculate, but I believe Mercedes are strong as ever, Ferrari could surprise, Red Bull look ever stronger and we should never discount Force India, Sauber or an improving McLaren. Rest assured, whatever happens I will be on the spot to witness all the action in person.

Because remember, I’m here and you’re not.

The motor screaming like your mom

Posted in Columns by Colby Dousche on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

Sniff Petrol is delighted to welcome American car writer COLBY DOUSCHE with his unique take on the US car market

ColbyDouscheFull disclosure – No pony ass auto maker paid me to write this.

So I’m on the event for some lame ass grocery getter and I’m looking at all the fat ass buff book bitches sucking at the corporate cock like a strawpenny whore working my dick behind Denny’s and I’m thinking, how did I get here?

Full disclosure – I ate one shrimp, pounded six beers and watched some porn in my room.

So next morning we’re given the keys and some Poindexter PR loser is all like, take it easy guys, no rubbin’ and no racin’. Man, every other Jello ass auto writer in the room was nodding like a silicone bitch in a trailer park titty bar on the day yours truly walked in to make it rain. FYI, this is the same public relations wuss who once had the titanium coconuts to ask why I was wearing a race suit at breakfast. Because Dousche, dipshit.

Full disclosure – They were Nomex pajamas.

So we’re out on the road and, as usual, yours truly has blown off the magazine morons and is riding a cappella. If I wanted to cozy up to some a fat old bitch I’d book a weekend in Florida and a fuck ton of lube. Am I the only guy on the event who bitch slapped the key guy ‘til he hooked me up with a stick shift? Hells yea. Is the motor screaming like your mom the day I swung by to fix her screen door? Damn straight. Am I nailing it like the 10 dollar Utah hooker my dad bought me for my 21st birthday? Fuck yes, and without crying this time.

Full disclosure – I live with my parents.

So this ride is fine if you like low cube crapola. Which I don’t cuz last time I checked I have one driver’s license and two big hairy balls. Thing is, there’s a problem here and I’m not talking about how fast I wore those skinny ass tires down to the bitch strips. See, if you’re the kind of beret wearing, tea drinking homo who lives in Europe you can buy this car as a diesel wagon with a stick. But in their ‘wisdom’, yet another cocktard auto maker has decided the sweetest piece of hardware this side of the Edwards AFB black hangar won’t be sold in the United States of fuckin’ A. Should they import it? Did I outdrive every over-stuffed golfing slacks shill on the event to the power of hells yea? Would a diesel wagon with a stick be what every so-called American consumer actually needs? Do I own over three guitars and spank them like my own dick every time I think about how fucking great I am? The answer is, fuck you mom, I was washing it.

Full disclosure – I’m awesome.

Colby Dousche is Awesomness Editor at fuckingcars.com