Archive for the ‘Columns’ Category

A message from Dany Bahaha

Posted in Columns by Dany Bahaha on Tuesday, May 1st, 2012

Hello believers,

It has been brought to my attention that various ugly rumours have been circulated whilst I was away visiting my home planet. It is time to set the record straight and to correct the thinking of those who seek to question The Plan.

Firstly, Lotus is still a Formula 1 team. I decided that the best course of action was to terminate our title sponsorship deal because it will strengthen our role in F1. When you love something, set it free. I wrote that song. I also invented Velux windows.

Secondly, Lotus is still committed to Indycar. As proof of this commitment I have decided to strengthen our involvement by working with fewer teams. Remember, three is actually a bigger number than five. Also, dogs can smell colours.

Finally, The Plan For Road Cars remains in place. Ignore the disbelievers; I am committed to building all five new Lotus models and this will happen. The only change is that we will not build the Elan. Or the new Elise. In all other respects the five car programme is strong and will start with the 2013 Esprit in 2015. In my new Lotusian calendar, 2015 comes before 2013. Remember that. And remember that I once saved someone from drowning just by looking at them.

Keep drinking the Kool-Aid.

L. Dany Bahaha

An F1 driver writes…

Posted in Columns by Arnoux Monotono on Friday, March 23rd, 2012

Arnoux Monotono is a Formula 1 driver

For sure the first race was a good result for us and the car is working perfectly. I think our position was a disappointment and is because, you know, there are many problems with the car. The guys at the factory did a great job and the car, it felt quick in Australia. The car does not feel on the pace and, you know, maybe that’s why we are being left behind.

For sure I am totally looking forward to this weekend in Malaysia, it’s a great track and it should suit us, especially since the guys have worked so hard to adjust the set-up. Also, I should say that this is not one of my favourite circuits and I don’t think the car will work well here which is just what you live with, you know, because it has been impossible to change anything in just a week.

The team is confident, we are working well and, for sure, I think I could win the championship this season because there are issues I don’t want to discuss right now and you know it is too early to say but I think winning this season is impossible. Okay?

Arnoux Monotono was imparting no useful information whatsoever to Sniff Petrol F1 correspondent Maurice Danzer.

A Top Gear superfan writes…

Posted in Columns by Brent Laymer on Friday, March 16th, 2012

Brent Laymer is the founding and only member of the West Idaho Top Gear Appreciation Club. He regularly posts on topgearheads.com under the user name CaptainSoawesome.

So that was it, season 18 of Top Gear. As a huge Top Gear fan who has watched every show over 14 times each what can I say except, man, that was a let down. I hated it. Sure, it wasn’t as bad as the hateful season 16 but it was a long, long way from season 10, which I also hated.

Everything was so scripted, you could just tell that it was read from a script that had been scripted and I hated that. I thought Top Gear had gotten bad enough for scripted scripting from a script in season 16 – which I hated – but this last season was so clearly scripted that even the parts that weren’t clearly scripted were clearly scripted. Sure, I don’t want a return to the low point of the awful, clearly scripted season 14, but why can’t the presenters and producers remember how to make a season like season 12, which was scripted and which I hated.

Why can’t Top Gear just test regular cars and tell us relevant information like 1/4 mile times and lateral Gs? Give us more information about the motor too. They got close in seasons 1 and 2, both of which I hated. Another thing; lose the star in a reasonably priced car unless it’s someone who genuinely loves cars such as Jay Kay or Rowan Atkinson or Jay Kay or Rowan Atkinson or Jay Kay or Rowan Atkinson. Those guys were great guests, although I fast forwarded through their interviews because I hate them.

The whole point of Top Gear can be summed up by so many classic moments, all of which I hated. I just wish the production team would take some time to look back on all those things they’ve created that live on in the public consciousness, and which personally I hated. I don’t use up my parents’ bandwidth to illegally download this show and then watch it over and over again for nothing. I do it because Top Gear is one of the most popular TV shows ever made and because I hate it.

Come on BBC, I don’t pay my licence fee to watch this crap. I don’t pay my licence fee at all, but if I did I would write even more stuff on the internet about how much Top Gear needs to change because I hate it. Make the show that its fans want to see. And don’t make it like Top Gear. I hate Top Gear.

D.I. Blundell done report from Singapore 2011

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, September 26th, 2011

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Sunday 25 September I done proceed in an easterly direction to the Singapore Grand Prix, what done be in Singapore. Driving conditions in this event done be unusual because it done be at night what is, in fairness, dark.

Here I done observe a silver Mercedes vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Mr Michael Schumacher of Germany, who done misjudge the speed of a white Sauber vehicle driven by an IC2 male, one Mr Sergio Perez of Mexico. This done then cause Mr Schumacher’s Mercedes to done have what were, to be honest, a crash. This done be an important lesson about taking care to done correctly judge distances at night, especially if you done be an elderly motorist.

Earlier in the evening I done also observe a similar incident involving a silver McLaren vehicle driven by an IC3 male, one Mr Lewis Hamilton of Great Britain, what done make contact with a red Ferrari vehicle driven by an IC2 male, one Mr Felipe Massa of increasingly limited ability. For Mr Hamilton this done be an important lesson in remembering that you done be an extremely talented racer and done need to just calm the fuck down. Over and out.

Ask Eddie Jordan

Posted in Columns by EJ on Friday, September 23rd, 2011

Sniff Petrol is delighted to welcome back the famous F1 team owner turned TV pundit to deal out more of his unique brand of agony aunt advice.

Dear Eddie, I got divorced three years ago and since then I have found it difficult to meet new people. I have some great friends but I’m looking for someone ‘special’. I just don’t know how to find them! Rachel, Sussex

Eddie replies: Well of course, if you’re talking about someone ‘special’ then there’s no one more special than the master, the seven time world champion, the legend that is Michael Schumacher. In my view, there’s no one who has ever and will ever touch Michael for sheer genius in a Formula 1 car and I still remember the first time he drove for me at Jordan F1 back in 1991, because people forget that before Benetton, before Ferrari, he was at Jordan and his talent was just immense and I knew that and that’s basically why I decided to discover Michael Schumacher, just because there was no one else who was going to because, in truth, they just weren’t me. I was me. And I was bloody good at it.

Dear Eddie, Our eldest son has just turned 15 and is becoming increasingly ‘distant’ from the rest of the family. It’s really starting to worry me but I don’t want to suffocate him with love and attention because I feel it will just drive him away. What should I do to keep him a part of our family? Jane, Leeds

Eddie replies: I always believed that we had a great family atmosphere at Jordan F1 and you know that was mostly down to me because I was like the dad of the family, although I don’t think most dads gave none other than Rubens Barrichello his first drive in Formula 1! But that was the kind of thing we did back then. I’d see this Brazilian kid, and I’d think, he’s great. Next thing, he’d be driving for me. It was crazy, you know, but also it was brilliant because I suppose, really, what I’m saying is that I was brilliant. I know that sounds big headed or whatever, but I’m not going to come here, onto a website that can be read all around the world and, you know, LIE about something as important as how great I am.

Dear Eddie, I’m convinced that my girlfriend is cheating on me. She swears that she isn’t and even my friends reckon I’m being daft but I just can’t shake this feeling off and it’s destroying our relationship. What should I do? Kevin, Telford

Eddie replies: I guess the question here is, what is cheating? You know, when Jordan was in F1 we sometimes got accused of bending the rules slightly but I think we always did it in a way that was legitimate and I think we’ll be remembered for that as much as we’ll be remembered as the team that gave British world champion Damon Hill a drive for not one but two years, and that wasn’t cheating, that was just something we had to do, something I personally had to do actually, because I knew it was a great idea. I’m not saying all my ideas were great, but the truth is they were and it’s taken me a while to realise that. It’s probably something that I ignored at the time, you know, when you’ve got all these people saying ‘Eddie, you’re just so great’ and maybe you don’t listen at the time and I think that’s why, in my view, it took me a while after I stepped back from F1 to actually realise how brilliant I really was.

D.I. Blundell reports on F1 coverage

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Friday, August 5th, 2011

‘Allo ‘allo ‘allo. D.I. Blundell done be reporting. On Friday 29 July I was proceeding in a Westerly direction towards my August holiday, what done be in August, when I done receive a radio message alerting me to an incident what done just taken place. A large broadcasting organisation, what done later be identified as one Sky Television of Middlesex, done approach another large broadcasting organisation, what done be one BBC of White City, and done take from it an item of substantial value.

It done be wise in such a situation to done offer an assailant no resistance and it done appear that the BBC done follow this course of action. However, they done then receive assistance from an IC1 male, later identified as one Bernard Ecclestone of Kensington, who done help them to cling on to some of the item, though these done be, in fairness, only scraps.

The BBC done indicated no desire to done press charges against the assailant or attempt to reclaim the property what done been taken. However, we done subsequently receive several million complaints from F1 fans who done, to be honest, been robbed. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell reports from Monaco 2011

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Friday, June 10th, 2011

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Sunday 29 May I done proceed in a southerly direction to the Monaco Grand Prix, what done be in Monaco. Here, I done observe a gentleman in a silver McLaren vehicle who done become involved in a low speed collision with another motorist, one Felipe Massa, who done be driving a red Ferrari. The aftermath of this incident done then cause Mr Massa to gone be having what done be, in fairness, a crash. I later observed the gentleman in the silver McLaren vehicle done suffer a rear end collision with a Torro Rosso vehicle driven by a Mr Jamie Alguersuari and then done proceed what be, to be honest, another collision with a blue Williams vehicle driven by a Mr Pastor Maldonado. The gentleman in the silver McLaren vehicle done be, in fairness, cautioned in what, to be honest, done be a severe way. Maybe it’s because he’s IC3. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell reports on a nightclub incident

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Sniff on Wednesday, May 18th, 2011

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting in. On 17 April 2011 I done be made aware of an incident what occur at an nightclub establishment in the Shanghai area of what done be, in fairness, China. Said incident done involve two IC1 males, one Mr Adrian Sutil and one Mr Eric Lux. It done be claimed that Mr Sutil did done launch a projectile, what be a champagne glass, towards Mr Lux. This projectile done make contact with Mr Lux and cause him what done be a injury to the region what is, in fairness, his neck. Mr Lux now done file a criminal complaint against Mr Sutil what done going to cause him, in fairness, some difficulties. Let this be a lesson to all nightclub visitors to done drink sensibly and not done go throwing stuff at blokes who done, in fairness, be minted. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell done investigate a mugging

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, November 29th, 2010

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Wednesday 24 November I done receive a report from the London area of London that a mugging done have, in fairness, done taken place. The victim done be an IC1 old man, one Mr Bernard Ecclestone, who done be in the company of an IC2 trophy, one Miss Fabiana Flosi.

During the course of this incident the victim done receive a head injury when he done be pushed from a standing position to the ground, a distance I done calculate to done be just under three feet. The victim done later claim that items worth £200,000 done be taken from himself and his associate, specifically these done be two tickets for VIP seats at the British Grand Prix.

Let this be a lesson to all people that they should done take care in city streets at night, especially if they done be elderly or a dwarf. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell done report from Abu Dhabi

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, November 15th, 2010

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be filing a report. On Sunday 14 November I done proceed to Abu Dhabi, what done be in the middle of the East. Here I done observe a grey Mercedes vehicle driven by an elderly IC1 male what I done observe to be one Michael Schumacher. This vehicle done lose control and done find itself facing into oncoming traffic what done, in fairness, then cause it to be hit by a brightly coloured Mercedes-powered vehicle driven by an IC2 male what done be one Vitantonio Liuzzi. This could, to be honest, have done been a lot worse of an accident than it done be and should serve as a reminder to all motorists that perhaps they done be better off just enjoying their retirement.

Approximately one hours later I done observe an IC2 male what done be identified as one Fernando Alonso driving a red Ferrari vehicle extremely close to the rear of a yellow Renault vehicle what done be driven by one Vitaly Petrov. I done make note of this incident as I regarded it as most unusual that Mr Petrov done not be involved in an accident and done actually drive very well. A short period of time afterwards I done observe that both vehicles done slow down and Mr Alonso done draw alongside Mr Petrov’s vehicle and done make a gesture what done be both rude and unreasonable. Let this be a lesson to all motorists not to done be a petulant little twat who done be bad at losing.

D.I. Blundell done now be at the end of his shift. Over and out.

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