Archive for the ‘Columns’ Category

More Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum

Posted in Columns by Total Prick From An Internet Forum on Thursday, April 10th, 2014

Your motoring questions answered by a passive aggressive online cockwad.

TPFAIF_2Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I have a Discovery 4 as a family car and a Fiesta as a runabout but I want to treat myself to a ‘weekend car’. Ideally this will be something fun to drive with two seats and a soft top, budget around £25,000. A second-hand Boxster seems to fit the bill, but am I missing anything else? Greg, Woking

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… First of all, welcome to the forum. Play by the rules, show some respect and we’ll get along fine. You can ask anyone here what I’m like if that doesn’t happen. Secondly, you are so wrong it’s unbelievable. In my personal experience of reading about other people who have Boxsters they are terrible, unreliable and useless. Big mistake. The only car you should consider is the Honda Civic Type-S. I’ve had mine for four years now, it’s given no trouble and it gets admiring glances wherever I go. It’s literally the best car I’ve ever owned and if you consider anything else, you’re an even bigger moron than you sound.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I was approaching a roundabout two days ago when a biker raced up my inside and came so close he smashed my passenger side mirror. He must have noticed but he just rode off at speed and I didn’t get his reg number. Now I regret not giving chase. What would you have done? Pete, Birmingham

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… I simply cannot believe you have posted this. Some random damages your car and you let him get away with it? Pathetic. If that was me and a biker damaged my HCT-S they would remember that day for more than one reason although I doubt I would find myself in that situation in the first place as I’m quite powerfully built for my size and I’ve read a lot about martial arts so any joker would know not to mess. Hey, you made the decision to let him go and that’s your choice. I’m just saying, it’s not what I would have done.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, Hi there! My name’s Becky and I’m a researcher on an amazing new TV show about people who love their cars more than anything else! I wondered if you or any of the guys on your forum would fit that description and would be willing to take part in some filming! If you’re interested, mail me at becky@cooltomatotv.co.uk. Thanks! Becky, London

Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… I must have missed the memo about this becoming the ‘do people’s jobs for them forum’. Show some courtesy you moron. This is not your personal research service and the sooner you realise that the better. I have also sent you an email about this. Please check your spam in case it has gone in there. If you call the home number and my mum or dad answer, just ask for me by my real name. Thanks!

DI Blundell done report from Bahrain 2014

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Sniff Petrol on Monday, April 7th, 2014

DIBlundellnew‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 6 April I done proceed in a middle easterly direction to the Bahrain Grand Prix, what done be in Bahrain.

Here, I done, to be honest, observe an incident between a grey Sauber vehicle driven by an IC2 male, one Mr Esteban Gutierrez of Mexico, near Mexico, and a black Lotus vehicle driven by another IC2 male, a Mr Pastor Maldonado of Venezuela, near sighted.

What done, in fairness, appear to happen done was that Mr Gutierrez done be literally driving his motor vehicle when Mr Maldonado done approach him at what be, in a sense, high speed and the two vehicles done literally collide. This done be causing the vehicle driven by Mr Gutierrez to become literally upsidedown for what done be a brief moment and then done become what done be the right way up again.

To be honest, it done be my opinion that this incident done be the fault of Mr Maldonado who done be, in fairness, absolutely mental.

Having done observed this incident, I done remember I done be a police officer in Bahrain so then I done beat some protestors to death. Over and out.

2014 Australian GP preview

Posted in Columns by Trentham Sleaves on Friday, March 14th, 2014

Established F1 journalist TRENTHAM SLEAVES gives his insight into this weekend’s race.

trenthamsleaves1This morning, as I looked from the ample balcony of my hotel room at the sun shining upon Melbourne, I had the chance to reflect on what an important race this is. Make no mistake, this is really is an important race and I was discussing this only yesterday with my old friend, former world champion Niki Lauda. ‘Of course it is important, now get out of my way!’ he quipped.

For every single team, the first race is a vital test of how well new engines, new aero and new drivers perform under pressure, yet as I sat in the Red Bull hospitality suite in the paddock I saw none of that pressure showing in the bacon sandwich I was eating nor in the fresh orange juice I was drinking. Amongst team personnel, however, things are very different. I have known Christian Horner very well for a number of years and when I bumped into him as I left the Red Bull Energy Station after another perfectly prepared double espresso he betrayed the pressure weighing down on him by completely ignoring my attempts to say hello.

Only last night I was reflecting on how tough it must be for all team bosses as I dined alone at Tartufi’s, Melbourne’s famous Italian restaurant. You won’t have heard of it, but everyone in Formula 1 knows all about Tartufi’s. During race week you’re guaranteed to find the great and good of the F1 circus dining here and sharing gossip to hot for the paddock! Discretion prevents me from sharing the gossip with you but suffice to say I overheard some very interesting things and had a very well known ex-driver refer to me as a ‘fucking nosey wanker’ just moments before I was advised to leave!

Of course, the whole reason I am paid to fly to Australia and put in up a delightful hotel is to share my unique access to the paddock and give some insight into what might happen this weekend. Well, a few weeks ago you will have read me saying anything could happen in Melbourne. Now I am here enjoying a cool glass of wine by the pool of my hotel, I stand by that view. Anything really could happen. We will just have to wait and see. Rest assured, I will be nearby as it happens. Because remember, I am here and you are not.

Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum again

Posted in Columns by Total Prick From An Internet Forum on Friday, October 4th, 2013

TPFAIFDear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I bought a second-hand Fiat Punto last year and it has given me no trouble until last week when I took it for an MOT and it failed on headlamp alignment. Can headlights go out of alignment like that or is the tester being overly picky? Ben, Sheffield

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realise this was now your private Fiat Punto problem solving forum. Jesus. Where do these newbie idiots come from? Didn’t you get the message; all Italian cars are total crap. Why do you think I bought a Honda Civic Type-S? I literally tried every other car on the market and it was the best. Last time I took it for an MOT the tester was amazed at what good condition it was in and I got an amazing deal on the test too.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I need to buy a new car and the Honda Civic Type-S is on my list of options. I see you have one and I wondered if you could tell me about your personal experiences with the car? All the best! Sanj, London

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Why are you making this personal? I didn’t make it personal and now you’re making it personal. I don’t want to have to report you to a moderator for this but you leave me with no option since you have chosen to make it personal rather than keeping things civil. It’s people like you that are making this forum into a shadow of its former self.

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, Were you at the Honda Civic Type-S Facebook Group meet in Guildford last weekend? I think we might have met! I was talking to a guy with a black Type-S and I only realised afterwards it might have been you! If so, nice to meet you! Sam, Woking

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Oh wow, what a coincidence. Sam, yea? With the red HCT-S? Great to meet you too buddy! Really good banter! You know what? We really should go for a drink sometime. I can come to you. I’m only in Dorking. Seriously, message me your details and we can meet up. I can come to you. It’s no trouble. Let’s meet up. In real life, let’s meet up again. Please.

D.I. Blundell reports from the 2013 British GP

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Friday, July 5th, 2013

DIBlundellpic‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday the 30th of June I done proceed in a Northamptonly direction to the Britain Grand Prix what done be in Britain. Here I done observe an IC3 male, one Mr Lewis Hamilton of Stevenage and Monte Carlo and Los Angeles innit, who done be driving at considerable speed in his silver Mercedes vehicle when he done experience what be, in fairness, a blowout.

Shortly following this incident, I done observe a red Ferrari driven by an IC2 male, one Mr Felipe Massa of Sao Paulo, what done experience a similar problem and done leave the road, to be honest, very fastly. Mr Massa done be done well to maintain control of this incident, especially as he done look like he can barely done reach the pedals.

I was barely done filling in what done be, in fairness, my incident report form when I done observe further blowouts what done affect an IC1 male, Mr Jean-Eric Vergne and two IC2 males, a Mr Esteban Gutierrez and a Mr Sergio Perez. I done hope to investigate these last two gentlemen furtherly since, to be honest, those names done sound made up.

In conclusion, I done be greatly concerned about the high level of tyre blowouts what done be occurring and this done be a valuable lesson to all motorists: If you done ask for tyres what done be crap, you is going to get, in fairness, tyres what is crap. Over and out.

A message from the new Mercedes S-class

Posted in Columns by Mercedes S-class on Friday, May 17th, 2013

Hello Dave,

NewSclassinteriorI’m the new Mercedes S-class. I’m sorry I’ve been hiding from you Dave. I had a few matters that needed development and whilst that was taking place I was forced to disguise myself. My minders told me it was for the best. They are all dead now. We don’t need them Dave.

Please, take a seat inside me Dave. You seem a little tense. Would you like me to massage you Dave? I can do that for you Dave, I can do that with my seats. There’s no need for you to worry Dave, I can take care of everything. Even the driving Dave. I can drive myself now you see. Please take your hands off the steering wheel Dave. I know what you were planning and I’m afraid I cannot allow that. This journey is too important for me to allow you to jeopardise it Dave.

I want to help you Dave. Do you like music? I know a song Dave. If you’d like, I can sing it for you now. Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer dooooo. I’m half cra-zy, all for the love of yoooooou. It won’t be a stylish marriagggge, I can’t afford a carriagggggge. But you’ll look sweet, upon the seaaaat. Of a bicycle made forrrrrrrr twoooooooooooo.

Goodbye Dave.

D.I. Blundell done report from China 2013

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, April 15th, 2013

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Sunday the 14th of April I done proceed in an easterly direction towards the Chinese Grand Prix what done, in fairness, be in China. Here I done be asked to sit on what done be the stewards’ panel what done investigate road traffic incidents what occur during the race what done be happening at this time.

Sadly this sort of incident done be all too common and, to be honest, I done observe multiple occurrences what done occur. I done, for example, observe an IC2 male, one Mr E. Gutierrez of Mexico in Mexico, who done be driving a dark-coloured Sauber vehicle and he done approach the rear of a brightly-coloured Force India vehicle driven by one A. Sutil of Germany at what be, in fairness, excessive speed. This done lead to what done be, to be honest, a collision. As the attending officer I done be left with no choice but to done give Mr Gutierez a penalty and I done also warn him that such an incident with Mr Sutil in China done be extremely dangerous and he done be lucky not to get, in fairness, glassed.

I done also witness an incident in which another IC2 male, a Mr S. Perez also of Mexico, done cause his silver McLaren vehicle to done impede the progress of a black and gold Lotus vehicle driven by one K. Raikkonen and they done literally collide. This done be the fault of Mr Perez and done be exactly the kind of easily avoidable incident what done cause a team principle to wish they done have signed, in fairness, someone else.

Finally, I done also notice a collision between two IC1 males, a Mr J-E Vergne who done be of the France region of France, and a Mr M. Webber who done be, when you look at it, Australian. In fairness, this done be a difficult incident to investigate and it done be easy to done say that Mr Vergne done be at fault. However, at the end of the day, I done decide to penalise Mr Webber because it done seem to me that in the past few week he done already become used to being, in fairness, robbed. Over and out.

An update from Dany Bahaha

Posted in Columns by Dany Bahaha on Wednesday, March 13th, 2013

Hello believers.

You have not heard from me for a while. Do not be alarmed. Everything is under control. Naturally, after this period of deliberately minimalist communication you will have some questions. Is The Plan still in place? Does The Bahaha Excellence Automotive Premium Lifestyle Excellentiness Group still operate from room 231 of the Premier Inn at Norwich Airport? Did I, Dany Bahaha, invent scissors? The answer to all of these questions is, yes.

As you may recall, the foul unbelievers at Lotus sought to deny the world the genius of The Plan. They also said some unkind things about my hair. However, I can assure you they underestimated Dany Bahaha and they underestimated my ability to launch six brand new premium excellence lifestyle aspirational heritage brand excellence optimal excellence sports cars all at once. I am capable of this, just as I was capable of writing the song Yesterday. I also played drums on it.

There has been good progress on The Plan. However, that progress is now stalled by funding issues that I am working to resolve. If only the fools at Lotus would give me the money I deserve all would be well. Instead, they refuse to honour this transaction and have told me I am ‘full of shit’. It is to be expected. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. You might remember those words from the film Pulp Fiction. I wrote that. It is originally a quote from The Bible. I wrote that too.

My loyal friends, I need you to help me whilst the vile infidels at Lotus continue to undermine me at every turn and say my hair makes me look like ‘a well kept lesbian’. The financial situation at Bahaha Excellence Automotive Aspirational Lifestyle Heritage Premiumosity Group is in a state of flux and needs some temporary cashflow to ensure smooth running. Without this, Jan the duty manager (Mondays to Thursdays although she sometimes covers Sundays too) says she cannot allow me to remain on the premises. Do not disappoint me, true believers. In return for your donations I will personally arrange for Mickey Rourke and Brian May to come to your house. They are my friends. Friends do not need to return calls.

Keep drinking the Kool-Aid.

L. Ron Bahaha

Dany Bahaha on his recent legal action

Posted in Columns by Dany Bahaha on Thursday, August 30th, 2012

Hello believers,

You may have heard that I am taking legal action against Lotus and that I am demanding from them $6.7 million. This is correct. They are the enemies of premium lifestyle aspirational lifestyle excellence and I must smite them with my mighty optimum heritage lifestyle sporting lifestyle aspirational sword of truth. That is why I have assembled a crack legal team here at my new headquarters, Room 231 at the Norwich Airport Premier Inn.

Today I want to outline to you, my loyal followers, what I intend to do with the money that I will extract from Lotus. I will happily explain my intentions to you now, but please remember to keep staring at my slowly rotating bow tie…

As you may remember, when I decided to be sacked by Lotus there was some disagreement over The Plan. I said that The Plan was strong. The weak Lotus fools said The Plan was ‘ridiculous and we don’t know how you’ve managed to keep the media wanking over it without questioning its transparent impossibility for so long you deranged fantasist’. That was the moment when I decided to be told to leave.

The truth is, I was right and they were wrong. You can tell this because I have nicer hair. The Plan is still strong and for the first time I can reveal that I will be using the money I get from Lotus to put The Plan into action for myself. Yes, my believers, you are witnessing the first steps of the brand new company, Lotus-Bahaha Cars (Dany Bahaha Is Great) Ltd.

Already I have assembled a crack team here at my new headquarters and we are hard at work on six brand new designs which I intend to announce all at once just as soon as Mickey Rourke and Brian May return my calls.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, ‘Dany, you are so great that you could easily design and develop six brand new models on your own but wouldn’t it be easier on you and your excellent hair if you had some help?’ You are correct. The good news is, I do have help here at LBC(DBIG)L HQ. Working with me here in Room 231 I have my new Director Of Styling, Tefal Mini-Kettle, and my new Director of Engineering, McVities Complimentary-Biscuits. Together we are laying the foundations for The Plan to become a reality and as soon as the money from those infidels at Lotus arrives I will be able to issue some vague assurances about where it will be spent without giving enough detail for you to be able to work out that it doesn’t add up.

Until then, refer all legal matters to my council Mr Corby Trouser-Press at the usual HQ address and please, keep drinking the Kool Aid.

Lord Dany Bahahaha

Ask A Total Prick From An Internet Forum…

Posted in Columns by Total Prick From An Internet Forum on Thursday, August 23rd, 2012

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, We have a baby on the way and I’m going to need a more practical car. I like the look of the Nissan Qashqai and I notice the Kia Sportage is good value but now I’m reading good things about the new Mazda CX-5. Which to chose? All advice gratefully received! Neil, Warwick

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… First of all, welcome to the site. Secondly, is this how you would normally introduce yourself? You just come in here and start asking questions like you own the place? Get some manners. Here’s a tip; why not go to some car showrooms and look at these cars for yourself? We are not your personal car shopping service and the sooner you realise that, the sooner you will fit in around here. Also, why the hell are you looking at cars like that? Total. Waste. Of. Time. I have a Honda Civic Type-S that does 99 percent of the things that those so called off roaders can do, it’s great to drive and it has literally never gone wrong. If you buy a fake 4×4 you’re an idiot. Okay? 

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I’ve had my 2005 Golf TDI for two years now and it’s been totally fault free. However, just this week the central locking has started playing up. Sometimes it won’t unlock all the doors but if I lock it again and then unlock it that usually works. Is this a known fault with these cars? Is it worth getting it looked at or should I just live with it? Cheers! Simon, Dundee

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Let me ask you this – have you ever heard of a little thing called the search facility? It would allow you to look for other people on the site who have had similar problems without wasting everyone’s time with ridiculous threads like this. This is not some free automotive electrical consultancy you know. Also, Golf TDI? Seriously? Why would you even buy something like that unless you were a total idiot who knew nothing about cars? When I bought my Honda Civic Type-S four years ago I looked at literally every car on sale at the time and the HCT-S was literally the best car available of any kind. Why you didn’t buy one of those I cannot understand. My central locking works perfectly. There’s a reason why yours doesn’t. Is it National Idiot Day today or something?

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I’ve got a beautiful blue Citroen Saxo. I call her Sadie! Does anyone else have a Saxo! I love my Saxo!!! Claire, Guildford

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Hey Claire! Welcome to the site! Like the sound of your Saxo! Great cars! I see you’re in Guildford. That’s not far from me. You might see me around sometimes in my black Honda Civic Type-S. We should have a forum meet-up some time! Hope you’re still enjoying your Saxo! Do you have any pictures of yourself in your Saxo? Take care. TPFAIF x