Archive for the ‘Columns’ Category

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Sunday 25 September I done proceed in an easterly direction to the Singapore Grand Prix, what done be in Singapore. Driving conditions in this event done be unusual because it done be at night what is, in fairness, dark.

Here I done observe a silver Mercedes vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Mr Michael Schumacher of Germany, who done misjudge the speed of a white Sauber vehicle driven by an IC2 male, one Mr Sergio Perez of Mexico. This done then cause Mr Schumacher’s Mercedes to done have what were, to be honest, a crash. This done be an important lesson about taking care to done correctly judge distances at night, especially if you done be an elderly motorist.

Earlier in the evening I done also observe a similar incident involving a silver McLaren vehicle driven by an IC3 male, one Mr Lewis Hamilton of Great Britain, what done make contact with a red Ferrari vehicle driven by an IC2 male, one Mr Felipe Massa of increasingly limited ability. For Mr Hamilton this done be an important lesson in remembering that you done be an extremely talented racer and done need to just calm the fuck down. Over and out.

‘Allo ‘allo ‘allo. D.I. Blundell done be reporting. On Friday 29 July I was proceeding in a Westerly direction towards my August holiday, what done be in August, when I done receive a radio message alerting me to an incident what done just taken place. A large broadcasting organisation, what done later be identified as one Sky Television of Middlesex, done approach another large broadcasting organisation, what done be one BBC of White City, and done take from it an item of substantial value.

It done be wise in such a situation to done offer an assailant no resistance and it done appear that the BBC done follow this course of action. However, they done then receive assistance from an IC1 male, later identified as one Bernard Ecclestone of Kensington, who done help them to cling on to some of the item, though these done be, in fairness, only scraps.

The BBC done indicated no desire to done press charges against the assailant or attempt to reclaim the property what done been taken. However, we done subsequently receive several million complaints from F1 fans who done, to be honest, been robbed. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Sunday 29 May I done proceed in a southerly direction to the Monaco Grand Prix, what done be in Monaco. Here, I done observe a gentleman in a silver McLaren vehicle who done become involved in a low speed collision with another motorist, one Felipe Massa, who done be driving a red Ferrari. The aftermath of this incident done then cause Mr Massa to gone be having what done be, in fairness, a crash. I later observed the gentleman in the silver McLaren vehicle done suffer a rear end collision with a Torro Rosso vehicle driven by a Mr Jamie Alguersuari and then done proceed what be, to be honest, another collision with a blue Williams vehicle driven by a Mr Pastor Maldonado. The gentleman in the silver McLaren vehicle done be, in fairness, cautioned in what, to be honest, done be a severe way. Maybe it’s because he’s IC3. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting in. On 17 April 2011 I done be made aware of an incident what occur at an nightclub establishment in the Shanghai area of what done be, in fairness, China. Said incident done involve two IC1 males, one Mr Adrian Sutil and one Mr Eric Lux. It done be claimed that Mr Sutil did done launch a projectile, what be a champagne glass, towards Mr Lux. This projectile done make contact with Mr Lux and cause him what done be a injury to the region what is, in fairness, his neck. Mr Lux now done file a criminal complaint against Mr Sutil what done going to cause him, in fairness, some difficulties. Let this be a lesson to all nightclub visitors to done drink sensibly and not done go throwing stuff at blokes who done, in fairness, be minted. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Wednesday 24 November I done receive a report from the London area of London that a mugging done have, in fairness, done taken place. The victim done be an IC1 old man, one Mr Bernard Ecclestone, who done be in the company of an IC2 trophy, one Miss Fabiana Flosi.

During the course of this incident the victim done receive a head injury when he done be pushed from a standing position to the ground, a distance I done calculate to done be just under three feet. The victim done later claim that items worth £200,000 done be taken from himself and his associate, specifically these done be two tickets for VIP seats at the British Grand Prix.

Let this be a lesson to all people that they should done take care in city streets at night, especially if they done be elderly or a dwarf. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be filing a report. On Sunday 14 November I done proceed to Abu Dhabi, what done be in the middle of the East. Here I done observe a grey Mercedes vehicle driven by an elderly IC1 male what I done observe to be one Michael Schumacher. This vehicle done lose control and done find itself facing into oncoming traffic what done, in fairness, then cause it to be hit by a brightly coloured Mercedes-powered vehicle driven by an IC2 male what done be one Vitantonio Liuzzi. This could, to be honest, have done been a lot worse of an accident than it done be and should serve as a reminder to all motorists that perhaps they done be better off just enjoying their retirement.

Approximately one hours later I done observe an IC2 male what done be identified as one Fernando Alonso driving a red Ferrari vehicle extremely close to the rear of a yellow Renault vehicle what done be driven by one Vitaly Petrov. I done make note of this incident as I regarded it as most unusual that Mr Petrov done not be involved in an accident and done actually drive very well. A short period of time afterwards I done observe that both vehicles done slow down and Mr Alonso done draw alongside Mr Petrov’s vehicle and done make a gesture what done be both rude and unreasonable. Let this be a lesson to all motorists not to done be a petulant little twat who done be bad at losing.

D.I. Blundell done now be at the end of his shift. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Sunday 24 October I done proceed in an Easterly direction to the Korean Grand Prix, what done be on a building site. Here I done observe a blue Renault powered vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Mark Alan Webber, what done lose control on a corner and done do a spin what then done cause it to collide with a grey Mercedes vehicle driven by another IC1 male, one Nicolas Eric Rosberg. This done be an unfortunate incident what done cause both drivers to done then discover that their vehicles don’t done work no more. During the same afternoon I done observe a silver Mercedes sports vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Bernd Maylander, what done be obstructing several other faster vehicles. I done observe that this done not cause a problem for many of the drivers, what done be strange. Let this be a lesson to motorists everywhere that if you done be a racing driver you should done well grow a pair. Over and out.

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Sunday 26 September I done proceed in an Easterly direction to the Singapore Grand Prix, what done be in Singapore. On approaching the area I done observe several road traffic incidents. Firstly, I done observe a white Ferrari-powered vehicle driven by an IC5 male, one Mr Kamui Kobayashi, what done lose control on a tricky bend and done collide with what done be, in fairness, a wall. Mr Kobayashi’s vehicle then done be hit by a black HRT vehicle what done be driven by an IC2 male, Mr Bruno Senna, what done come around the same corner. Let this done be a lesson to all motorists about the dangers what done be, to be honest, around blind bends.

I also done observe a green Lotus vehicle driven by an IC1 male, Mr Heikki Kovalainen, what done catch on what be, in fairness, fire. Mr Kovalainen done exhibit some quick thinking by done avoiding an area what done be occupied by a significant quantity of persons and flammable materials and done bring his vehicle to what be, to be honest, a halt. He then done extinguish the flames himself. This done be a valuable lesson on what done be the importance of keeping a fire extinguisher close at what done be, in fairness, hand.

Finally, I done also observe a silver McLaren vehicle driven by an IC3 male, Mr Lewis Hamilton, what done collide with a blue Red Bull vehicle driven by an IC1 male, Mr Mark Webber, what done cause Mr Hamilton’s vehicle to be broken and done be no longer done able to proceed. Let this be a valuable lesson to all motorists of the importance of not getting carried away and, in fairness, fucking it up again. Over and out.