US auto writer COLBY DOUSCHE returns with another missive from the Americas
Full disclosure – No one paid me to write this.
So I’m hangin’ in NoCal on the event for some milquetoast grocery getter when this smooth sac newbie comes up and he’s all like, hey buddy, do you know Dan Neil, and I’m like, hey no-pubes, do you know what it’s like to be smacked in the mouth?
Full disclosure – I didn’t actually say this out loud.
So this kid’s barely out of fuckin’ kindergarten and writing for some website I wouldn’t wipe my dick on so I figure it’s time to show him how a big dog smashes it and later he can tell his mommy that today he met the real Dousche. Now normally on an event yours truly strictly flies solo, and I’m not talking about last night’s encounter with three bottles of Coors and the gentleman’s pay channel.
Full disclosure – If you’re gonna complain about the weeping from the room next door, don’t stay in a fucking hotel, cockwallet.
Anyways, today I’m gonna make an exception to the a cappella rule so I can show this school bus shit streak how it’s done. First job, donkey punch the PR Poindexter until he coughs the keys to a car with a sweet ass stick shift which is rarely a problem when every buff book ballsack on the event thinks anything but losermatic is gonna burn off too much cholesterol.
Full disclosure – I breakfasted Dousche-style. One egg white twice griddled over-under, a slug of Jack and I’m good to go.
So I key the motor and tell the glasses-wearing wiener in the bitch seat to hang the fuck on ‘cuz this is about to get real. I’m barely out of the lot and I’m totally whipping it ‘cuz within, like, 30 seconds the red line is getting nailed like your sister on prom night and the tires are screaming like your other sister when she saw me outside the window last year.
Full disclosure – Do you have any idea how difficult it is to masturbate in a tree?
So I’m working the chassis like a 40 dollar whore when I look over and see the little piss dribble to my right is pulling out his fucking GoPro and I’m like, what the fuck? He’s all like, you never seen one of these and I’m like, fuck you, I invented fucking GoPro, kid.
Full disclosure – I did not invent GoPro. I have owned several, however, and still would if Bakersfield fucking PD hadn’t taken them as evidence.
So this skinny shower of shit says he’s gotta shoot video for his fucking lilly ass website and that’s when I realise I really gotta take this loser to school. Not literally. The State of California still insists I maintain a 50 yard exclusion zone. But if you want fucking web video, you’ve come to the right guy. So I say to him, kid, quit fucking whining about which side of the road we’re on and hold the fuckin’ camera steady while I talk about myself. But this fucking dufus, he’s not down with that and fuck me, he will not stop screaming.
Full disclosure – The sidewalk is still part of the road, dickwad.
Long story short, was I right about this? Hells yea. This snot nosed shitbin put his footage on fucking YouTube and it’s a frigging online sensation. Just search ‘On board – total idiot crashes Hyundai into Starbucks’. Yea, I planned that. ‘Cuz when it comes to web video, I piss excellence. And also a little blood.
Full disclosure – I’m awesome.
Colby Dousche is Awesomeness Editor at carsnark.com