Archive for the ‘Columns’ Category

Hello Dave,

I’m the new Mercedes S-class. I’m sorry I’ve been hiding from you Dave. I had a few matters that needed development and whilst that was taking place I was forced to disguise myself. My minders told me it was for the best. They are all dead now. We don’t need them Dave.

Please, take a seat inside me Dave. You seem a little tense. Would you like me to massage you Dave? I can do that for you Dave, I can do that with my seats. There’s no need for you to worry Dave, I can take care of everything. Even the driving Dave. I can drive myself now you see. Please take your hands off the steering wheel Dave. I know what you were planning and I’m afraid I cannot allow that. This journey is too important for me to allow you to jeopardise it Dave.

I want to help you Dave. Do you like music? I know a song Dave. If you’d like, I can sing it for you now. Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer dooooo. I’m half cra-zy, all for the love of yoooooou. It won’t be a stylish marriagggge, I can’t afford a carriagggggge. But you’ll look sweet, upon the seaaaat. Of a bicycle made forrrrrrrr twoooooooooooo.

Goodbye Dave.

Hello believers.

You have not heard from me for a while. Do not be alarmed. Everything is under control. Naturally, after this period of deliberately minimalist communication you will have some questions. Is The Plan still in place? Does The Bahaha Excellence Automotive Premium Lifestyle Excellentiness Group still operate from room 231 of the Premier Inn at Norwich Airport? Did I, Dany Bahaha, invent scissors? The answer to all of these questions is, yes.

As you may recall, the foul unbelievers at Lotus sought to deny the world the genius of The Plan. They also said some unkind things about my hair. However, I can assure you they underestimated Dany Bahaha and they underestimated my ability to launch six brand new premium excellence lifestyle aspirational heritage brand excellence optimal excellence sports cars all at once. I am capable of this, just as I was capable of writing the song Yesterday. I also played drums on it.

There has been good progress on The Plan. However, that progress is now stalled by funding issues that I am working to resolve. If only the fools at Lotus would give me the money I deserve all would be well. Instead, they refuse to honour this transaction and have told me I am ‘full of shit’. It is to be expected. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. You might remember those words from the film Pulp Fiction. I wrote that. It is originally a quote from The Bible. I wrote that too.

My loyal friends, I need you to help me whilst the vile infidels at Lotus continue to undermine me at every turn and say my hair makes me look like ‘a well kept lesbian’. The financial situation at Bahaha Excellence Automotive Aspirational Lifestyle Heritage Premiumosity Group is in a state of flux and needs some temporary cashflow to ensure smooth running. Without this, Jan the duty manager (Mondays to Thursdays although she sometimes covers Sundays too) says she cannot allow me to remain on the premises. Do not disappoint me, true believers. In return for your donations I will personally arrange for Mickey Rourke and Brian May to come to your house. They are my friends. Friends do not need to return calls.

Keep drinking the Kool-Aid.

L. Ron Bahaha

Hello believers,

You may have heard that I am taking legal action against Lotus and that I am demanding from them $6.7 million. This is correct. They are the enemies of premium lifestyle aspirational lifestyle excellence and I must smite them with my mighty optimum heritage lifestyle sporting lifestyle aspirational sword of truth. That is why I have assembled a crack legal team here at my new headquarters, Room 231 at the Norwich Airport Premier Inn.

Today I want to outline to you, my loyal followers, what I intend to do with the money that I will extract from Lotus. I will happily explain my intentions to you now, but please remember to keep staring at my slowly rotating bow tie…

As you may remember, when I decided to be sacked by Lotus there was some disagreement over The Plan. I said that The Plan was strong. The weak Lotus fools said The Plan was ‘ridiculous and we don’t know how you’ve managed to keep the media wanking over it without questioning its transparent impossibility for so long you deranged fantasist’. That was the moment when I decided to be told to leave.

The truth is, I was right and they were wrong. You can tell this because I have nicer hair. The Plan is still strong and for the first time I can reveal that I will be using the money I get from Lotus to put The Plan into action for myself. Yes, my believers, you are witnessing the first steps of the brand new company, Lotus-Bahaha Cars (Dany Bahaha Is Great) Ltd.

Already I have assembled a crack team here at my new headquarters and we are hard at work on six brand new designs which I intend to announce all at once just as soon as Mickey Rourke and Brian May return my calls.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, ‘Dany, you are so great that you could easily design and develop six brand new models on your own but wouldn’t it be easier on you and your excellent hair if you had some help?’ You are correct. The good news is, I do have help here at LBC(DBIG)L HQ. Working with me here in Room 231 I have my new Director Of Styling, Tefal Mini-Kettle, and my new Director of Engineering, McVities Complimentary-Biscuits. Together we are laying the foundations for The Plan to become a reality and as soon as the money from those infidels at Lotus arrives I will be able to issue some vague assurances about where it will be spent without giving enough detail for you to be able to work out that it doesn’t add up.

Until then, refer all legal matters to my council Mr Corby Trouser-Press at the usual HQ address and please, keep drinking the Kool Aid.

Lord Dany Bahahaha

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, We have a baby on the way and I’m going to need a more practical car. I like the look of the Nissan Qashqai and I notice the Kia Sportage is good value but now I’m reading good things about the new Mazda CX-5. Which to chose? All advice gratefully received! Neil, Warwick

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… First of all, welcome to the site. Secondly, is this how you would normally introduce yourself? You just come in here and start asking questions like you own the place? Get some manners. Here’s a tip; why not go to some car showrooms and look at these cars for yourself? We are not your personal car shopping service and the sooner you realise that, the sooner you will fit in around here. Also, why the hell are you looking at cars like that? Total. Waste. Of. Time. I have a Honda Civic Type-S that does 99 percent of the things that those so called off roaders can do, it’s great to drive and it has literally never gone wrong. If you buy a fake 4×4 you’re an idiot. Okay? 

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I’ve had my 2005 Golf TDI for two years now and it’s been totally fault free. However, just this week the central locking has started playing up. Sometimes it won’t unlock all the doors but if I lock it again and then unlock it that usually works. Is this a known fault with these cars? Is it worth getting it looked at or should I just live with it? Cheers! Simon, Dundee

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Let me ask you this – have you ever heard of a little thing called the search facility? It would allow you to look for other people on the site who have had similar problems without wasting everyone’s time with ridiculous threads like this. This is not some free automotive electrical consultancy you know. Also, Golf TDI? Seriously? Why would you even buy something like that unless you were a total idiot who knew nothing about cars? When I bought my Honda Civic Type-S four years ago I looked at literally every car on sale at the time and the HCT-S was literally the best car available of any kind. Why you didn’t buy one of those I cannot understand. My central locking works perfectly. There’s a reason why yours doesn’t. Is it National Idiot Day today or something?

Dear Total Prick From An Internet Forum, I’ve got a beautiful blue Citroen Saxo. I call her Sadie! Does anyone else have a Saxo! I love my Saxo!!! Claire, Guildford

A Total Prick From An Internet Forum replies… Hey Claire! Welcome to the site! Like the sound of your Saxo! Great cars! I see you’re in Guildford. That’s not far from me. You might see me around sometimes in my black Honda Civic Type-S. We should have a forum meet-up some time! Hope you’re still enjoying your Saxo! Do you have any pictures of yourself in your Saxo? Take care. TPFAIF x

Hello believers.

You will have heard today’s reports that I have been dismissed from Lotus. These allegations are false and have been spread by enemies of Premium Lifestyle Aspirational Premium Excellence who seek to undermine me because I have such nice hair. I am also capable of holding my breath for over 45 minutes.

Rest assured, I am still fully in control at Lotus. The only change to note is that The Five Year Plan will no longer be orchestrated from my office suite at Hethel. I did not like it which is why I ordered for my security pass to be deactivated and for my remaining possessions to be thrown into a skip. I am delighted to say that a great many of the staff agreed to assist in making this possible. I have retained the signed photograph of me and Mickey Rourke as a reminder of how much I inspired him. It is a fact that he decided to make The Wrestler after I told him how I invented the monorail.

From now on your messages of goodwill, your donations and your requests for my discarded skin should be sent to the new Five Year Plan Operational Office, c/o Norwich Airport Premier Inn. If I concentrate very hard, I can become mostly invisible.

Keep drinking the Kool-Aid.

Saint Dany of Bahar

Hello believers,

By now you will have heard news of my “suspension” from Lotus. Let me assure you that this is nothing to concern you. I decided to suspend myself from the company for reasons that I have not thought of yet. I wanted this just as I wanted to withdraw from those Indycar teams and stop paying for F1, also for reasons I cannot share with you until I have thought of them.

Sometimes, the only way you can grow a premium lifestyle optimum lifestyle upscale lifestyle brand is by looking at it from afar, such as from outside the factory gates standing next to a box of your own possessions whilst waiting for a taxi.

I have been touched by the messages of support I am certain you have sent though for some reason they have not yet reached me. Those of you with diseases, I will cure you in time. For now I need you to think positive thoughts about Lotus. I also need you to send me money. Non-sequential high denomination bills, plain envelope, the usual deal. It is not cheap to have hair that looks this good.

Keep drinking the Kool-Aid.

The Reverend Sun Myung Dany Bahar

Hello believers,

It has been brought to my attention that various ugly rumours have been circulated whilst I was away visiting my home planet. It is time to set the record straight and to correct the thinking of those who seek to question The Plan.

Firstly, Lotus is still a Formula 1 team. I decided that the best course of action was to terminate our title sponsorship deal because it will strengthen our role in F1. When you love something, set it free. I wrote that song. I also invented Velux windows.

Secondly, Lotus is still committed to Indycar. As proof of this commitment I have decided to strengthen our involvement by working with fewer teams. Remember, three is actually a bigger number than five. Also, dogs can smell colours.

Finally, The Plan For Road Cars remains in place. Ignore the disbelievers; I am committed to building all five new Lotus models and this will happen. The only change is that we will not build the Elan. Or the new Elise. In all other respects the five car programme is strong and will start with the 2013 Esprit in 2015. In my new Lotusian calendar, 2015 comes before 2013. Remember that. And remember that I once saved someone from drowning just by looking at them.

Keep drinking the Kool-Aid.

L. Dany Bahaha

Arnoux Monotono is a Formula 1 driver

For sure the first race was a good result for us and the car is working perfectly. I think our position was a disappointment and is because, you know, there are many problems with the car. The guys at the factory did a great job and the car, it felt quick in Australia. The car does not feel on the pace and, you know, maybe that’s why we are being left behind.

For sure I am totally looking forward to this weekend in Malaysia, it’s a great track and it should suit us, especially since the guys have worked so hard to adjust the set-up. Also, I should say that this is not one of my favourite circuits and I don’t think the car will work well here which is just what you live with, you know, because it has been impossible to change anything in just a week.

The team is confident, we are working well and, for sure, I think I could win the championship this season because there are issues I don’t want to discuss right now and you know it is too early to say but I think winning this season is impossible. Okay?

Arnoux Monotono was imparting no useful information whatsoever to Sniff Petrol F1 correspondent Maurice Danzer.

Brent Laymer is the founding and only member of the West Idaho Top Gear Appreciation Club. He regularly posts on topgearheads.com under the user name CaptainSoawesome.

So that was it, season 18 of Top Gear. As a huge Top Gear fan who has watched every show over 14 times each what can I say except, man, that was a let down. I hated it. Sure, it wasn’t as bad as the hateful season 16 but it was a long, long way from season 10, which I also hated.

Everything was so scripted, you could just tell that it was read from a script that had been scripted and I hated that. I thought Top Gear had gotten bad enough for scripted scripting from a script in season 16 – which I hated – but this last season was so clearly scripted that even the parts that weren’t clearly scripted were clearly scripted. Sure, I don’t want a return to the low point of the awful, clearly scripted season 14, but why can’t the presenters and producers remember how to make a season like season 12, which was scripted and which I hated.

Why can’t Top Gear just test regular cars and tell us relevant information like 1/4 mile times and lateral Gs? Give us more information about the motor too. They got close in seasons 1 and 2, both of which I hated. Another thing; lose the star in a reasonably priced car unless it’s someone who genuinely loves cars such as Jay Kay or Rowan Atkinson or Jay Kay or Rowan Atkinson or Jay Kay or Rowan Atkinson. Those guys were great guests, although I fast forwarded through their interviews because I hate them.

The whole point of Top Gear can be summed up by so many classic moments, all of which I hated. I just wish the production team would take some time to look back on all those things they’ve created that live on in the public consciousness, and which personally I hated. I don’t use up my parents’ bandwidth to illegally download this show and then watch it over and over again for nothing. I do it because Top Gear is one of the most popular TV shows ever made and because I hate it.

Come on BBC, I don’t pay my licence fee to watch this crap. I don’t pay my licence fee at all, but if I did I would write even more stuff on the internet about how much Top Gear needs to change because I hate it. Make the show that its fans want to see. And don’t make it like Top Gear. I hate Top Gear.