Archive for the ‘D.I. Blundell’ Category

D.I. Blundell done report from Hungary 2014

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

DIBlundellnewOn Sunday 28th July I done proceed in an easterly direction to the Hungarian Grand Prix, what done be in Hungary. Here I done observe that driving conditions done be, in fairness, moist. This done pose a challenge to motorists what done have to be careful to done choose the right tyres.

This done be brought home to me when I done observe a green Caterham vehicle driven by a Mr M. Ericsson of Sweden, near Sweden, what done lose control and done collide with what done be, to be honest, a wall. This incident done quickly be followed by what be, in fairness, a very similar incident in which a black Lotus vehicle driven by a Mr R. Grosjean of France, near France, done also lose control and done also done hit what was, to be fair, another wall. I done conclude that the only difference between these incidents done be that the second one done occur at lower speed and done also be because the driver was, in fairness, a muppet.

Later the same afternoon I done observe a Mr S. Perez of Mexico, in Mexico, who done collide with a Mr N. Hulkenberg of the Germany area of Germany. This done be an unfortunate situation since both persons done be driving Force India vehicles and that done make this incident bad, in fairness, form. Mr Perez done later collide with what done done be, to be honest, the pit wall and this done write off his company car which done displease his boss, a Mr V.J. Mallya of the India region of India who done have, in fairness, shit hair.

I later done observe a purple Red Bull vehicle driven by a Mr S. Vettel of disappointing form who done lose control at what done be, to be honest, the same place as Mr Perez but he done be able to done regain control of the vehicle what done be, in fairness, skill.

There done be so many incidents that I done run out of space in my notebook when a black Lotus driven by a Mr P. Maldonado done collide with a red and white Marussia vehicle driven by a Mr J. Bianchi but this done be okay because I done keep a page free for Mr Maldonado’s incident since it done be, to be honest, inevitable since he done be, in fairness, useless.
Over and out.

D.I. Blundell done report on the 2014 British GP

Posted in D.I. Blundell, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, July 7th, 2014

DIBlundellnew‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello.

On Sunday 6 July I done proceed in an easterly direction to the British Grand Prix what done be in the Silverstone area of Northamptonshire. And Buckinghamshire.

Here I done observe a red Ferrari vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Mr Kimi Raikkonen of Finland, what done leave the road at what, to be honest, done be considerable speed. This motorist done then attempt to rejoin the thoroughfare and done lose what be, in fairness, control. He done then done collide with what done be three inert objects, what done be a barrier, another barrier, and Mr Felipe Massa of Brazil.

Mr Raikkonen’s incident done be, in fairness, a lesson in two things. Firstly, the dangers of driving after you done had a drink. Number two, always have some spare barrier in stock because, to be honest, it done take almost an hour to drive to the nearest B&Q and back.

Later on during what be, to be fair, the same day, I done observe a road traffic incident between a grey Sauber vehicle driven by an IC2 male, one Mr Esteban Gutierrez of Mexico, and a black Lotus vehicle driven by another IC2, one Mr Pastor Maldonado of impending disaster. This incident done be, in fairness, not the fault of Mr Maldonado but, to be honest, there isn’t a section on my accident report form for that eventuality.

Over and out.

D.I. Blundell done report from Spain 2014

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, May 12th, 2014

DIBlundellnew‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Saturday the 10th of May I done proceed in a southerly direction to the Spanish Grand Prix, what done be in Spain.

Here I done observe a black and gold Lotus vehicle driven by an IC2 male, one Pastor Maldonado of Venezuela, in Venezuela, what done lose control during what done, to be honest, be qualifying. The vehicle done then collide with what I done observe to be, in fairness, a wall.

Following this incident, on Sunday the 11th of May I done remain in the Spain area of Spain and I done observe Mr Maldonado driving the same Lotus vehicle when he done collide with a green Caterham vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Marcus Ericsson of the Sweden district of Sweden.

After studying the evidence of these accidents, I done conclude that, to be honest, these done be the fault of Mr Maldonado and that Mr Maldonado done be, in fairness, a silly twat.

Over and out.

DI Blundell done report from Bahrain 2014

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Sniff Petrol on Monday, April 7th, 2014

DIBlundellnew‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday 6 April I done proceed in a middle easterly direction to the Bahrain Grand Prix, what done be in Bahrain.

Here, I done, to be honest, observe an incident between a grey Sauber vehicle driven by an IC2 male, one Mr Esteban Gutierrez of Mexico, near Mexico, and a black Lotus vehicle driven by another IC2 male, a Mr Pastor Maldonado of Venezuela, near sighted.

What done, in fairness, appear to happen done was that Mr Gutierrez done be literally driving his motor vehicle when Mr Maldonado done approach him at what be, in a sense, high speed and the two vehicles done literally collide. This done be causing the vehicle driven by Mr Gutierrez to become literally upsidedown for what done be a brief moment and then done become what done be the right way up again.

To be honest, it done be my opinion that this incident done be the fault of Mr Maldonado who done be, in fairness, absolutely mental.

Having done observed this incident, I done remember I done be a police officer in Bahrain so then I done beat some protestors to death. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell reports from the 2013 British GP

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Friday, July 5th, 2013

DIBlundellpic‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. On Sunday the 30th of June I done proceed in a Northamptonly direction to the Britain Grand Prix what done be in Britain. Here I done observe an IC3 male, one Mr Lewis Hamilton of Stevenage and Monte Carlo and Los Angeles innit, who done be driving at considerable speed in his silver Mercedes vehicle when he done experience what be, in fairness, a blowout.

Shortly following this incident, I done observe a red Ferrari driven by an IC2 male, one Mr Felipe Massa of Sao Paulo, what done experience a similar problem and done leave the road, to be honest, very fastly. Mr Massa done be done well to maintain control of this incident, especially as he done look like he can barely done reach the pedals.

I was barely done filling in what done be, in fairness, my incident report form when I done observe further blowouts what done affect an IC1 male, Mr Jean-Eric Vergne and two IC2 males, a Mr Esteban Gutierrez and a Mr Sergio Perez. I done hope to investigate these last two gentlemen furtherly since, to be honest, those names done sound made up.

In conclusion, I done be greatly concerned about the high level of tyre blowouts what done be occurring and this done be a valuable lesson to all motorists: If you done ask for tyres what done be crap, you is going to get, in fairness, tyres what is crap. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell done report from China 2013

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, April 15th, 2013

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Sunday the 14th of April I done proceed in an easterly direction towards the Chinese Grand Prix what done, in fairness, be in China. Here I done be asked to sit on what done be the stewards’ panel what done investigate road traffic incidents what occur during the race what done be happening at this time.

Sadly this sort of incident done be all too common and, to be honest, I done observe multiple occurrences what done occur. I done, for example, observe an IC2 male, one Mr E. Gutierrez of Mexico in Mexico, who done be driving a dark-coloured Sauber vehicle and he done approach the rear of a brightly-coloured Force India vehicle driven by one A. Sutil of Germany at what be, in fairness, excessive speed. This done lead to what done be, to be honest, a collision. As the attending officer I done be left with no choice but to done give Mr Gutierez a penalty and I done also warn him that such an incident with Mr Sutil in China done be extremely dangerous and he done be lucky not to get, in fairness, glassed.

I done also witness an incident in which another IC2 male, a Mr S. Perez also of Mexico, done cause his silver McLaren vehicle to done impede the progress of a black and gold Lotus vehicle driven by one K. Raikkonen and they done literally collide. This done be the fault of Mr Perez and done be exactly the kind of easily avoidable incident what done cause a team principle to wish they done have signed, in fairness, someone else.

Finally, I done also notice a collision between two IC1 males, a Mr J-E Vergne who done be of the France region of France, and a Mr M. Webber who done be, when you look at it, Australian. In fairness, this done be a difficult incident to investigate and it done be easy to done say that Mr Vergne done be at fault. However, at the end of the day, I done decide to penalise Mr Webber because it done seem to me that in the past few week he done already become used to being, in fairness, robbed. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell done report from Singapore 2011

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Monday, September 26th, 2011

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Sunday 25 September I done proceed in an easterly direction to the Singapore Grand Prix, what done be in Singapore. Driving conditions in this event done be unusual because it done be at night what is, in fairness, dark.

Here I done observe a silver Mercedes vehicle driven by an IC1 male, one Mr Michael Schumacher of Germany, who done misjudge the speed of a white Sauber vehicle driven by an IC2 male, one Mr Sergio Perez of Mexico. This done then cause Mr Schumacher’s Mercedes to done have what were, to be honest, a crash. This done be an important lesson about taking care to done correctly judge distances at night, especially if you done be an elderly motorist.

Earlier in the evening I done also observe a similar incident involving a silver McLaren vehicle driven by an IC3 male, one Mr Lewis Hamilton of Great Britain, what done make contact with a red Ferrari vehicle driven by an IC2 male, one Mr Felipe Massa of increasingly limited ability. For Mr Hamilton this done be an important lesson in remembering that you done be an extremely talented racer and done need to just calm the fuck down. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell reports on F1 coverage

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Friday, August 5th, 2011

‘Allo ‘allo ‘allo. D.I. Blundell done be reporting. On Friday 29 July I was proceeding in a Westerly direction towards my August holiday, what done be in August, when I done receive a radio message alerting me to an incident what done just taken place. A large broadcasting organisation, what done later be identified as one Sky Television of Middlesex, done approach another large broadcasting organisation, what done be one BBC of White City, and done take from it an item of substantial value.

It done be wise in such a situation to done offer an assailant no resistance and it done appear that the BBC done follow this course of action. However, they done then receive assistance from an IC1 male, later identified as one Bernard Ecclestone of Kensington, who done help them to cling on to some of the item, though these done be, in fairness, only scraps.

The BBC done indicated no desire to done press charges against the assailant or attempt to reclaim the property what done been taken. However, we done subsequently receive several million complaints from F1 fans who done, to be honest, been robbed. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell reports from Monaco 2011

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Friday, June 10th, 2011

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting. On Sunday 29 May I done proceed in a southerly direction to the Monaco Grand Prix, what done be in Monaco. Here, I done observe a gentleman in a silver McLaren vehicle who done become involved in a low speed collision with another motorist, one Felipe Massa, who done be driving a red Ferrari. The aftermath of this incident done then cause Mr Massa to gone be having what done be, in fairness, a crash. I later observed the gentleman in the silver McLaren vehicle done suffer a rear end collision with a Torro Rosso vehicle driven by a Mr Jamie Alguersuari and then done proceed what be, to be honest, another collision with a blue Williams vehicle driven by a Mr Pastor Maldonado. The gentleman in the silver McLaren vehicle done be, in fairness, cautioned in what, to be honest, done be a severe way. Maybe it’s because he’s IC3. Over and out.

D.I. Blundell reports on a nightclub incident

Posted in Columns, D.I. Blundell by Detective Inspector Blundell on Wednesday, May 18th, 2011

‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello. Detective Inspector Mark Blundell done be reporting in. On 17 April 2011 I done be made aware of an incident what occur at an nightclub establishment in the Shanghai area of what done be, in fairness, China. Said incident done involve two IC1 males, one Mr Adrian Sutil and one Mr Eric Lux. It done be claimed that Mr Sutil did done launch a projectile, what be a champagne glass, towards Mr Lux. This projectile done make contact with Mr Lux and cause him what done be a injury to the region what is, in fairness, his neck. Mr Lux now done file a criminal complaint against Mr Sutil what done going to cause him, in fairness, some difficulties. Let this be a lesson to all nightclub visitors to done drink sensibly and not done go throwing stuff at blokes who done, in fairness, be minted. Over and out.