Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category

Following the 25 second penalty given to Lewis Hamilton for allegedly gaining track advantage over Kimi Raikkonen in the Belgian Grand Prix, the fat, super-rich old men who control Formula 1 have denied any sinister bias against the British McLaren driver.

“There really is no agenda here,” said one FIA steward yesterday. “It was plain to see that the darkie unfairly passed the blond haired, blue eyed chap. In doing so the genetically pure driver clearly had a place stolen from him by that other one, which should come as no surprise knowing their sort”.

“I must reiterate that this does not mean the FIA has some sort of problem with fuzzy-wuzzies,” he added. “We welcome our more rhythmic brethren in Formula 1, although obviously we’d prefer it if they didn’t come into the club lounge unless it’s to serve drinks. And even then you’d probably best keep an eye on your wallet if you know what I mean”.

“I hope this completely clears up any confusion about the incident involving the, you know, one of them, and the mighty gentleman of the master race,” our source concluded. “The ruling after Spa was nothing to do with ethnicity. It was simply good old fashioned transparent corruption and bias in favour of Ferrari as usual… oh damn…”

Following unfortunate misunderstandings in the Grands Prix at Valencia and Spa, the FIA has revised the Red Car Rule for Formula 1. These amendments will be applied with immediate effect:

1) Overtaking a Ferrari is not permitted under any circumstances.
2) In the pit lane, a Ferrari always has precedence over other cars.
3) Any driver finishing less than 25 seconds ahead of a Ferrari will be penalized 25 seconds.*
4) If neither Ferrari finishes in first place, the stewards reserve the right to declare the result null and void (or to adjust it as necessary).
5) Only Ferrari drivers are permitted to use anything other than ‘designated’ parts of a circuit.
6) If forced off the ‘designated’ part of the track by a Ferrari, the guilty driver should immediately crash his car and return to the pits
6) Any driver or team appealing against any FIA decision in favour of Ferrari may be subject to a fine and/or the deduction of points.
*Subject to post-race adjustment by the stewards.

The FIA today issued the following statement in response to allegations in the UK media.

“It has come to our attention that the private activities of the FIA and Ferrari at Spa have been filmed and distributed to the general public over the last weekend, together with false statements that the events depicted had a ‘sporting’ theme”.

“The activities depicted were a private matter between the participants, all of whom were consenting adults. Suggestions that one of the ‘victims’, a Mr L. Hamilton, was a child are completely untrue.  He is a consenting adult who just looks underage and he was financially rewarded for his subservient part in the role-playing of the dominant participants”.

“Parades of Ferrari automobiles are perfectly legal when conducted in private by consenting adults, even when they include role-play. We regard the media tactics to be most intrusive. Some even used helicopters to film the private activities of the participants. The FIA utterly refutes any suggestion by the media that what took place at Spa was meant to be a ‘sporting event’ and will pursue a case for libel against those who have made such scurrilous allegations.”

There were growing fears in F1 this week that Jenson Button is turning into a hot air balloon. Sources close to the probably-still-good-if-only-he-wasn’t-in-a-turd-of-a-car driver say they are becoming increasingly concerned that the young racer’s head now appears to be made almost entirely of brightly coloured canvas.

‘We really are a bit worried about Jenson’s balloonishness,’ said one Honda Racing insider. ‘Only the other day I was talking to him in the motorhome and I noticed that his entire head appeared to be deflating. Next thing I knew, he gave a little tug on a bit of his beard under his chin, there was a sort of roaring sound and suddenly his head was back to normal, except that it was bright yellow and all bulbous at the top like a cartoon exclamation mark’.

Many members of the Honda team are also concerned that the driver British people liked before Hamilton came along may find his performance is affected by the extraordinary characteristics of his newly inflatable head. ‘I was walking through the paddock with Jenson the other day,’ admitted one senior engineer. ‘Suddenly there was a strong gust of wind and he started drifting off in completely the wrong direction. I dread to think what would have happened if there had been some power lines in the way. Now we’re seriously considering some sort of ballast system to avoid a situation where, just before an important race, Jenson is blown out to sea’.

However, some of those close to the West Country driver are trying to put a more positive slant on the fact that his head has basically turned into a hot air balloon for no readily apparent reason. ‘I think there is great opportunity here,’ said one anonymous team spokerman. ‘For example, Jenson’s new balloon head could be sold as extra advertising space. Plus, if anyone says that despite being way off the pace he still seems quite big headed he can literally confound that criticism by simply letting a bit of the air out of it’.

Seasoned F1 journalist Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine was also quick to point out that this isn’t the first strange and balloonish incident in Formula 1. ‘People should remember that, just like Button’s head, a few years ago Juan Pablo Montoya’s entire body appeared to have become insanely inflated,’ he notes. ‘Although that later turned out to be because he’d scoffed a massive amount of pies’.

Whilst Felipe Massa baffled race fans at the French Grand Prix with claims that he had injured his neck by ‘sneezing in a lift’, it now emerges that other F1 drivers may have suffered similarly rubbish and probably a bit made up accidents.

First to offer an inexplicably strange excuse for an injury, and for being rubbish, was Brit ace Jenson Button (who is still British but sadly not ace). Sources within the Button camp (where his dad parks the caravan) say that the Honda driver filed another dismal performance in France because of a hurty eye muscle caused by doing a big yawn in a fast moving taxi.

Meanwhile, paddock sources say Adrian Sutil is having an equally inadequate season because of a painful arm injury caused by doing a small vurp whilst on a bucking bronco and that Giancarlo Fisichella can attribute his unnoticeable performance this year to an injured back muscle received by pushing out a massive fart during an air display.

However, seasoned F1 pundits say that this rash of bizarre injuries is in fact nothing to the so-called ‘dark years’ of 1996 – 2006 when almost every driver in successive championships would find themselves practically deaf by the end of the season and unable to get their helmets on because the sides of their heads had become massively swollen. This was eventually traced to an instinctive desire to slam their hands over their ears every time they saw Jacques ‘Fucking’ Villeneuve so that they didn’t have to hear his sodding stupid pre-pubescent Quebecoise voice.

Yes, Mr Jim Bamber – motorsport lampooning legend and the other member of the Sniff Petrol / Jim Bamber mutual appreciation society – has sent us a spare cartoon which is too sweary to appear in Autosport. Happily, Sniff Petrol really likes swearing and has not such qualms about running it. Cheers Jim.  

With two races already out of the way in the 2008 F1 season, Lewis Hamilton’s hopes of securing his first driver’s championship already seem to be slipping away after his disappointing performances in Australia and Malaysia proved that the young star from Hertfordshire has renewed focus and could already have the ’08 title sewn up.

Hamilton’s winning form of last season seemed appears to have deserted him, especially in Malaysia where he surely watched his chances of securing that elusive championship victory slip away, whilst in Australia his decisive win aptly demonstrated that the Hertfordshire driver’s abilities are stronger than ever and that it’s undoubtedly only a matter of when, and not if, he wins the ultimate F1 prize.

Formula 1 experts are struggling to understand just how the McLaren driver seems to have lost his once-impressive ability and many are still reeling at how his driving seems to have become more confident and unbeatable this season, without question meaning that his championship dreams are over when he wins it in a matter of months, maybe even days.

One thing is for sure. Lewis Hamilton really needs to up his game and relax knowing he’s the best driver in Malaysia because he will be against strong competition in a class of his own with that 2008 world title now out of reach in his pocket and impossible to achieve in the bag. Meanwhile, for rival drivers there seems to be only one message: It’s yours for the taking as you give up and go home!

© Lazy F1 punditry

There was almost no shock whatsoever in Formula 1 this week with news that the FIA is to investigate Renault for spying. According to a man who was speaking next to the FIA building, ‘Following a tip off from an anonymous source in the Modena region of Italy we are looking in to claims that Renault Formula 1 have contravened the rules of the sport and may be docked points both for utilising illegally acquired data and for competing in a car that wasn’t red’. The speakersman refused to give any more details has he had to rush off ‘to give Jean Todt a back massage’.

However, some F1 insiders have already hinted that Renault may not be the last team to become embroiled in an embarrassing and ultimately costly McLaren-style scandal. High ranking sources are suggesting that it is only a matter of days until every other F1 team is called up on spying charges, except Ferrari who have of course never cheated at anything. Already, in the paddock (the special off season one that all teams assemble in when there’s no racing so as to allow sentences like this) rumours are circulating that Williams may have been using data from BMW, that BMW may have been using data from Toyota, that Toyota may have been using data from Torro Rosso, that Torro Rosso may have been using data from Super Aguri, that Super Aguri may have been using data from Spyker, that Spyker may have been using data from Red Bull, that Red Bull may have been using data from Honda and that Honda may have been using data from the 1991 Leyton House team, but upside down so that none of it worked properly.

If these rumours are proved to be true the FIA may be forced to minimise the damage to F1 by bringing this whole affair to a sharp and definite conclusion, a view shared by one senior junior. ‘One way of doing this would be simply to say that all teams are forbidden from scoring points until 2025, except Ferrari’ he admitted. ‘Frankly, it would be a lot more straightforward than the original way they were going to use to get that rule introduced’.

Following his recent proclamation that 2007 was Jenson Button’s best year yet, Honda’s Nick Fry has this week gone even more mental with an announcement that murder victims get the better end of the deal.

“Ironically, for me, the victim is the real winner” an inanely grinning Fry said yesterday. “It’s a no brainer, really. Their cost of living goes way down and their dreams of living a long life are ‘recalibrated’.”

“As an added bonus, their carbon footprint drops to zero – forever!”, the inexplicably-still-employed buffoon continued. “That’s got to be a good thing,” he added, crossing out the name on his office door and replacing it with a picture of the earth, like a complete div.

Fry claims that the murderers, if caught, are the real losers: “Put it this way: getting banged up in Pentonville on a ten-stretch isn’t anyone’s idea of fun, is it? Okay you might get a good bum raping, just like our drivers this season. But ironically, for me, the chance of rehabilitation and a long, healthy, happy life after prison seems like the worst end of the murderer/murdered deal.”

Fry’s latest reason-defying statements are not the first time the Honda CEO has emerged jabbering from some sort of tear in the fabric of conventional logic. Previous leaps into a world that makes no fucking sense have included, “This Japanese bloke seems good at techie stuff. Willis, get your coat, you’re fired,” and of course the legendary, “Hi, is that Super Aguri? I want you to take our race winning 2006 car, it’s actually completely shit and we’ve got something much better for 2007…” 

(Thanks to Banger)

After months of disappointment punctuated by the odd adequate performance, like swimming through liquid effluent to find a bag of plain crisps, Toyota F1 bosses have finally lost patience with Ralf Schumacher and today announced that he is to be replaced… by a cactus.

‘We’ve simply had enough of Ralf being mediocre and then going backwards towards a field, so we decided to replace him with something more suitable’, said a Toyota spokespeakerman. ‘Once we heard a cactus was available, we moved quickly. We believe the driver changeover will be very smooth, especially since we’re used to having something prickly and uncommunicative in the car. And with a big spiky plant behind the wheel, at least one of our drivers will no longer be pointless. Arf arf! Sorry…’

This isn’t the first time a succulent has competed in top level motorsport. A phyllanthus drove in Indycar from 1985-87 whilst a tapinanthus ran as high as third in the 1992 Le Mans 24 Hour event before someone overwatered it.

With thanks to F-Stop Junkie