Archive for the ‘Crazy Dave’ Category

Crazy Dave at the 2015 Race Of Champions

Posted in Columns, Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Monday, November 23rd, 2015

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave Coulthard comin’ atcha from tha Olympiddy Stadiumiddy for the twenny fiddeen Racizzle of Championizzles. Fo’ sho’.

So Crazy D be in tha hizzy on Friday fo’ tha rumble in tha London an’ tings be sweet like sho’bread served on a bagpizzle cuz me be wit’ ma what-the-funk-happened-to-yo-accent shortie SuWoo representin’ Team Scotlizzle. Nayizzle botherizzle. ‘Cept, tings don’t go so deep fried gravy fo’ me and ma sista. Ma girl get her retirin’ ass whooped by ma endurance racin’ homie A Bun-to-tha-Cum and then tha D master get beat by ma so solid brother Jenny B. They can take our points but they can never take our free… oh. Shizzle.

Nuff respect to tha English bastards who takin’ tha team victory, ma rubbin’ is racin’ homie Baked P and ma most famous brother no one ever heard of, Andizzle Prizzlizzleuzzilex.

Ting is, we still got tha inviduizzle contest to go. That’s right, it be tha Racizzle of Championizzles Championizzizzle of Championizzlizzlizzlez. An’ hot dang there be some homies wit’ tha skillz in this showdown. We got ma under-rated homie Tha Hulk, we got ma permasmiley brother D Riccy, we got ma so solid endurohomie Tommy K. This be some serious driving abilitizzles here. And Filly M.

But see, dem kidz ain’t reckoned wit’out tha wise mind and tight strides of yo’s truly Crazy D cuz me is bringin’ ma mad skillz out to play in tha stadiayay. In tha first round, me take down ma strong lady homie Tha Woolfstress an’ in round deux Tha D be kickin’ da ass of FiMa. Boom! Dat’s right, Crazy D got a semi. And not tha sort y’all sometimes see in ma jeans on tha F1 coveragizzle.

So all you homies need to recall that Crazy D is tha returning champiohomie here and lemme tell y’all, D ain’t lookin’ to leave a gap on he’s mantlepizzle. Trouble is, tha D gotta take on ma 4x pointy finger F1 champiobrother Sebby V. Tha D ain’t going down wit’out a fight but me us’ ain’t got tha moves to see off tha Vettster. Hot dang. But ain’t no shame in that cuz pretty soon ma making tha best of he patchy Ferrari homie be smashin’ it wit’ Tommy K in the finalay. Nuff respec’ to SeVe. Y’all can look after ma troph until next year.

Peace out homies. Peace out.

Crazy D on the 2014 Race of Champions

Posted in Crazy Dave by Sniff Petrol on Monday, December 15th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas. Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from Barbiddybadaydos. But Tha D ain’t here to be chillin’ on tha bea-ach cuz this be tha muthaflippin’ cockizzles on tha tableizzle that is tha Race Of Champignons. An’ guess what? Crazy D be puttin’ on he’s tighty whitey drivin’ trousas to show dem homies how to come seventh or thereaboutizzles. Fo’ sho’.

All tha big dogs be in tha house. We got ma Danish endurohomie T Kristizzle, ma Motizzle Giddy Pizzle brutha Micky Doo and ma so-solid F1 buddy RoGros, tha reigning champignon. But dem cats ain’t findin’ it so gravy in tha early heats and these brothers be findin’ themselves in JEVtown. Yea, dat’s right, they be out. But tha D, he jus’ keep on keepin’ on.

Also receivin’ a first class ticket to Loser International Airportizzle be ma USA homies like Indie five hundy winna RyHuRe, ma so-solid NAScat K-Bu, an’ off road homie Robby G. But tha D, he jus’ keep on keepin’ on.

But then shit get real cuz Crazy D, he be takin’ on my Rallycrizzle homie P Solbiddy in tha VW Poldiddy RX. But that Scandi brutha jus’ ain’t got tha bus fare and next ting Crazy D be facin’ ma V8 Supercuppin’ homie Jamie Whincup, and dat cat be goin’ full Rosberg. Ain’t so cool bein’ numba two. But tha D, he jus’ keep on keepin’ on.

This be it. Tha finalizzle. It jus’ be Tha D and ma MC Edes spare driva homie P Wehrdiddy. No one wanna be what ma MC Laren brutha Ronny D call first o’ tha losaz. Crazy D put on he’s special extra lucky, extra tighty underpantizzles and keep he’s eyes on tha prize.

An’ guess what? The D man bring it on home. Tha’s right. Crazy D be tha grand champignon. Tha tighty whitey championizzle of championizzles. Yea, D stillz got tha skillz that pay tha billz. Fo’ shiggedy.

And that was tha Race o’ Champignons. Drop tha mic.

Crazy D on the 2014 Abu Dhabi GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, November 25th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dizzle in yo hizzle on the double Biddy Cizzle wit’ ma fly shorty SuPez and ma pie-in-tha-fizzle leprechaun of shizzle, EJo. Put 50p in tha satelizzle cuz we’z comin’ atcha live. Fo’ shiggedy.

So las’ weekend we slide on over MidEasy style fo’ tha Abu Dhabizzle giddy piddle and this be it. At tha end of this weekend, one of my so solid brothers from Mo Cedes gonna be tha WoCha an’ the otha gonna be cryin’ like Rubey Barrichizzle on tha podiumizzle. But not in a good way. Duelizzle in tha desertizzleizzle.

So, all tha homies in the paddock be chattin’ ‘bout how if NiRo take tha one slot, Da Ham gotta be on tha twos and if NiRo don’t be on tha top step, Da Ham gotta be fifth or betta cuz of tha double points shizzle. But Crazy D, he don’t do no math. All Tha D know is, one pair of tighty whitey jeans plus another pair of tighty whitey jeans equals enough tighty whitey jeans fo’ tha whole weekend, even accountin’ fo’ spillages. There’s a dryizzle cleanizzle in tha hotelizzle.

So come tha three time innit to winnit, dem MC Edes homies be playin’ it cool but you can tell they is sweatin’ and not just cuz we in a big muthaflunmpin’ sandpit. Relatively highizzle ambientizzle temperaturizzles and humizzleditizzle. Ain’t no thang fo’ NiRo though cuz that brother jus’ take it sweet and low fo’ tha pole leavin’ Da Ham on tha twos. Unfortunatizzle errorizzles when it matteredizzle.

But come tha five an’ fly, this shiz ain’t goin’ down NiRo style cuz that homie be boggin’ down like J Herb askin’ a interview question. Next ting, Da Ham be drivin’ away like it he’s birthday. An’ tings only gettin’ less gravy fo’ NiRo cuz that hombre be sufferin’ mo’ problems than Caterham’s accountant. Yea, Crazy D made a funny. Only homie havin’ a worse time be ma accident prone homie P Maldiddy cuz that brother be runnin’ super hot. Like, flamin’ hot, know wha’am sayin’? Man, that cat be tha F1 version of Inspectorizzle Clouseauzzle.

Meanwhizzle, all Da Ham gotta do is keep it on tha islandizzle an’ he gonna be in there like Crazy D’s swimwear. An’ guess what, that muthafunker jus’ go an’ do it. Ma Ham homie be tha new worldizzle championizzle. An’ even NiRo be stoppin’ by to say his congratizzleulatizzleonizzles.Nuff respec’ doubizzle Britishizzle Formulizzle Onizzle titizzle holderizzle. Fo’ shuggadiggedy.

And that be tha 2014 Fizzle Uno season. So this be Crazy D signin’ off. Peace out homies. Peace out.

Crazy D on the 2014 Brazilian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, November 11th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ ma highzzlelizzles on the Double Biddy Cizzle. Cuz F1 is best enjoyed jus’ after Strictly an’ jus befo’ tha noos. Fo’ shiggedy.

So las’ weekend we slide on down Brazilian side, and Tha D ain’t talkin’ ‘bout he’s manscapin’ arrangements. Nah, it be da penultimozizzle Gee diddy Pee of the season and it still be everyting to play fo’ wit’ dem cats from Mo’cedes. Please God, don’ let it be spoilt by tha fiddy point final.

So, come tha three time fly by it be NiRo slammin’ it on tha ones with Da Ham on tha twos, but who this be slippin’ in on tha three spot but local brutha Filly M. Decisivizzle psychologicazzle boostizzle of tha homeizzle crowdizzle.

Come tha red five bye-bye, NiRo be keep it sweet fo’ the numero uno but Da Ham be all up in he’s shit an’ ting. But it ain’t so gravy fo’ ma Will.i.ams homie V Bottdiddy cuz that cat be losin’ time while tha ‘neers be checkin’ he’s straps. When you a racing driva, you want yo shit to be tight. That’s why Crazy D still wear these type of trousa. Cuttin’ off the circulatinizzle to ma testiclizzles.

So it be lookin’ like Da Ham gonna make a move on he’s team homie but then that cat jus’ spin it like Crazy D on a formation lap and he be playin’ catch up. Meanwhizzle, D Riccy gotta be a retirin’ smiler cuz he got trouble with he’s suspensizzle and Filly M be thinkin’ he be drivin’ fo’ MC Laren. Oh that panda face homie, always tryin’ to copy Fernandizzle Alonsozzle.

Come tha two tone tablecloth, NiRo be holdin’ it on tha one, Da Ham take it on tha two and nuff respec’ to Filly M fo’ takin’ tha three slot even though he takes a five sec smackdown an’ box wit’ he’s eyes shut. An’ who this be on tha fo’ slot it but ma so solid Jennie B. Persuasivizzle argumentizzle to stay. Izzle. Respec’

No respec’ fo ma old timey champiohomie Nelly PK though. Askin’ ‘bout another brother’s shorty on the three step wave an’ spray? Not cool bredren. Not cool. Yo look like a leatheryizzle old sexizzle pestizzle.

An’ that be tha Brazilian Gee Pee. Peace out.

Crazy D on the 2014 US GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Thursday, November 6th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Yippee ki och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from the United US of States Giddy Piddyizzle wit’ ma shorty Suzee Pee and ma even shortier Eddee Jay. Get hot wit’ ma highlights cuz live is fo’ losers.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Austin side and it be that time o’ the year when all tha homies be chattin’ ‘bout who be goin’ where an’ ting. See, ma buddy Nando be splittin’ on Fo’rarri and don’t take no rocketizzle scientizzleist to know that leave tha door open fo’ ma homie Sebby V but ain’t neither cat be spillin’. Meanwhizzle, you got ma so solid Jenny B and that bro don’ know if he stayin’ at tha MC Laren or be pickin’ up he’s shizzle in a cardbo’ bozzle. My advice fo’ tha Buttman, get yo’self a pair of tighty whitey jeans and a job wit’ tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee. Lucrativizzle sidelizzle in pundatrizzle.

Out on tha circle of truth, it be a two homie race between tha cats from MC Edes an’ come tha trio o’ tries it be that multi-national muthafunker NiRo who put it on tha one slot with Da Ham on tha two. But come tha five light goodbye tings ain’t so gravy fo’ NiRo an’ if that brother think he gonna hold it from twinkle to tablecloth, he got ‘nother ting comin’. First of all, tha Mexico muddyfunster Sergy P be glassin’ The Sutmaster an’ causin’ an SLS buzzkill and when that shizzle be done Da Ham be all up in NiRo’s face and make him he’s bitch. Betterizzle mentalizzle strenghtizzle underizzle pressure. Izzle.

Come tha chequer check, Da Ham take tha one, NiRo on tha two and my super smiley homie D Riccy on tha three hole. This be meanin’ that Da Ham should be in there like Crazy D at a tighty trousa discount store fo’ the driva’s world championshizzle but that ain’t so cuz NiRo could still steal it at tha last minute in Abu Dizzle. Double pointizzle bullshizzle.

An’ that be tha USA Gee Pee. Peace out.

Crazy D on the 2014 Russian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Wednesday, October 15th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on the Beeble to tha Ceeble with ma blabbering buddy Eddie J and ma so fly shorty Suzi P. Hey girl, wheredjoo get dem tighty whitey jeans? Someone been rummagizzle through Tha D’s carry-onizzle luggazizzle.

So las’ weekend we slide on over former Commie side fo’ tha Russian Giddy Pizzle at tha brand new track in Sochizzle. Man, it look like all dem brothers is drivin’ around a light-to-medium industrializzle estatizzle.

So come tha three part flyby, ain’t no homie touchin’ dem fast cats from tha MC Edes, only question is whether it be NiRo or Da Ham who be on tha ones. And in this case, it be ma increasingly hairy homie Da Ham who take tha premo positione with NiRo on tha twos and that Finland muddyfunster Val B on tha three. An’ who this be on tha four hole but ma underperforming homie Jenny B. Welcome back to big school ma brother. Ting is, even though tha MC Laren be findin’ pace all of a sudden, Jenny don’t find it so gravy. Too littizzle, too lateizzle.

Come tha five light goodbye, Da Ham and NiRo be drivin’ away like it they birthdays but NiRo want that one slot real bad and that brother, he be over cookin’ that shit. Tha homie come in too quick and he jus’ lock it like it’s hot, lock it like it’s hot. That be some bad shizzle cuz next ting he be rockin’ a box fo’ tha new rubbas. Schoolizzle boyizzle error. Izzle.

Meanwhizzle, Da Ham jus’ out fo’ a Sunday drive, sweet as a sale at a tighty whitey jeans store before Suzi P get there. Ain’t no shizzle going down on tha industrial estate. This be one dull-ass race and Crazy D almost fall asleep. Zzzzzzzzzizzle.

Come tha check please, it be Da Ham on tha ones, NiRo makin’ a smooth move up to tha twos and tha Will.i.ams of Val B in tha hizzy on tha threes. An’ who this pinchy faced nutcase be in tha room of whispas but tha I-didn’t-shoot-down-no-airliner Rusky bossman Vlady Pu cuz he be hangin’ wit’ tha boss man B Eccdiddy. As a result, there be no evil left in tha rest of tha world.

And dat be tha Russian Giddy Pee. Peace out.

Crazy D on the 2014 Italian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, September 9th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on the Biddy Double Ciddle wit’ ma shortie Suzi P and my even shortier Eddie J. So las’ weekend we slide on over to tha Monza massive fo’ tha Italiano Griddle to the Piddle. Moltoizzle beneizzle.

Once again, everyone be chattin’ ‘bout dem cats from tha MC Edes cuz ain’t no homie gettin’ close… to tha accident them brothers gonna have wit’ each otha. Man, dem crazy foo’s gonna give that Arnie voice homie Tha Wolffman a stomachizzle ulcizzle.

Fo’ tha three stage fly by it all be about Tha Ham cuz that cat be flyin’ like a shit beard eagle to slam it on that ones with NiRo on tha twos and nuff respec’ to ma Will.i.ams homies who be on a line two lockdown, fo’ shiggedy.

Come tha five light goodbye, Da Ham be in a whole heap of shizzle and NiRo takin’ tha one spot like candizzle from a babyizzle. But Tha Ham, that cat don’t give up easy and he be slippin’ past homies like a greasy eel until he be all up on NiRo’s shizzle again. Then, on lap tizzle-to-tha-nizzle, NiRo be makin’ a Maldiddy of tha chicane and Da Ham jus’ glide on by, sweet like a sale in the tighty trousa store. Encouragin’ conspiracizzle theorizzles.

Meanwhile, there be plenty other shizzle goin’ down cuz ma big brows homie Nando be gettin’ a breakdown and Maxy Chil be flying. Ain’t no more unbroken record of finishing… near tha back. Fortunately tha impact ain’t so bad cuz tha thing Maxy’s car hit was his wallet. Badoomizzle tishizzle.

Also mad props to ma down under muthaflucker D Riccy cuz that cat be showin’ he teeth, an’ I don’ mean cuz he be smilin’ again. ‘Cept, he probably is cuz he be takin’ Sebby V down to Chinatown, and I don’ mean fo’ a reasonabizzle pricizzle dinnerizzle.

Come tha black an’ white buzz kill, it be Tha Ham on tha ones, NiRo takin’ boos fo’ tha twos and respec’ to ma frequentizzle disappoitizzle brother Filly M fo’ stickin’ on tha three.

An’ that be tha Italian Giddy Pee. Peace out.

Crazy D on the 2014 Belgian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Wednesday, August 27th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on the Bi-Biddle Cizzle. So las’ weekend we slide on over Spa side fo’ tha Belgizzle Gee Pee an’ there be some mad shizzle goin’ down after tha summer chill out. Ma brother K-Bash be left standin’ when tha music stop cuz who this be takin’ he’s seat but ma endurohomie Dre Lott. An’ that ain’t nuthin’ to what be goin’ down wit’ ma bredren at tha M-roosh cuz Maxy Chil be out and Al Rossizle be in then they flip tha sitch and Tha Chilmeister be back in tha game and so be his chequebook. Contractualizzle disputizzle bullshizzle.

So come tha 22-16-10 it be wetter than a lady when she see Crazy D in tha tighty whitey jeans. Course, this ain’t no thang fo’ tha always-fightin’ muthafunkers from MC Des cuz them cats be drivin’ like it dry. There be some good shizzle for ma ReBu homie Sebby V on tha threes and nuff respec’ to Tha Lottmonster cuz that cat be out qualificizzling his team homie on he’s first go but ain’t no one touchin’ NiRo and Da Ham on tha ones and twos cuz they be faster than any other brother by two sezzicondizzles. Decisivizzle demonstrizzle of superiorizzlety.

Come tha red five an’ goodbye, Da Ham be away like a scaldizzle catizzle and takin’ tha one slot from NiRo. But then tha shizzle hit the fanizzle on tha two lap cuz NiRo be gettin’ a smackdown on Da Ham and rubbin’ he’s rubber till it pops. Hot damn. That be some stupidizzley ruthlessizzle lack of teamizzle spiritizzle.

Meanwhizzle, ma twennyfo hour homie Dre Lott be out and so be ma always-crashing brother P Maldiddy. All tha other cats be breathin’ a sighizzle of reliefizzle and get on wit’ they shizzle. This ‘specially true fo’ ma perma-smiling homie D Riccy cuz that cat be keeping it smooth an’ low while all tha other brothers be fightin’ behind he. Come tha black an’ white blanket, the Riccman be on tha ones wit’ ma Finland muthaflucker Valty B on tha threes and ma basically behaved like a bit of a cuntizzle muthaflumper NiRo on tha twos fo’ tha boos.

And that be tha Belgiddy Giddy Pizzle. Peace out.

Crazy D at the 2014 Hungarian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha in full effect on double Biddy Ciddle. Cuz transmittin’ tha race live is fo’ losers. So las’ weekend we Pesting like a Buda fo’ tha Hungarian Gee to tha Pee and all ma homies be makin’ one last push before the summizzle breakizzle.

Come tha trio of max attacks tings ain’t so gravy fo’ ma buddy Da Ham cuiz that cat be comin’ in hot. Literalizzle. That be some mad ass smoke ‘n’ flames action. Startin’ next to the shizzle kidz.

When tha red five go out, tha track be like tha inside of Crazy D’s jeans in this humid weather. Dampizzle in placeizzles. All tha cats be runnin’ on intermizzlediatizzle tyreizzles until ma homie M Double S get into a serious smackdown and they crack out tha S-to-tha-L-to-tha-S. Every brother be boxin’ like Ali to get down wit’ tha slick circles ‘cept ma bredren Jenny B cuz dem cats at MC Laren be chattin’ about more rain be comin’ an’ Tha B Man, he believe ‘em. Trouble is, when tha car that is safe be pullin’ off, that rain don’t come and Tha J be on tha wrong rubba. Unacceptabizzley poor longizzle rangeizzle weatherizzle forecastizzle.

Next ting, ma Mexico muthaflunker Sergy P be slammin’ it into tha PiWa and everyone be linin’ up behind B Maylizzle. That let ma super smiley homie D Riccy to take it to tha ones but that ain’t tha end of tings cuz suddenly who this be out in front but ma doin’ good tings with a shit car homie Nando. Meanwhile, ma mad skillz buddy Da Ham be cuttin’ through tha pack like Crazy D in a tighty trouser discount sale. But then who this be behind he but that blondie brother NiRo and he want tha homies on tha two-way to get Da Ham to move over. But Hammo, he ain’t down wit’ that shit cuz he be sayin’ NiRo gotta be all up on he diffuser before that shit gonna go down. Controversizzle teamizzle orderizzles that will be regretizzled after tha raceizzle. Izzle.

Come tha final few flybys, it be Nando on tha ones, Da Ham on the twos and D Riccy on tha three spot. But then tha downunder muthaflucker smackdown Da Ham and take it to Nando. Then NiRo be huntin’ dem down like Crazy D still in tha metaphorical trouser emporiumizzle but that cat jus’ can’t make tha moves an’ come tha wavy tablecloth it be D Riccy on tha ones, Nando on tha twos and Da Ham on tha threes but only Tha Riccster be smilin’. Jesus Christizzle, cheeruizzle upizzle you miserabizzle bastardizzles.

And dat be tha Hungarian Giddy Pizzle. Peace out.

Crazy D at the 2014 German GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha with a well defined package… of highlights. Fo’ shiggedy. So las’ weekend we slide on over Deutsche side fo’ tha German Giddle to tha Piddle and all eyes be on dem cats from MC Edes cuz tha fight between ma buddy Da Ham and ma homie NiRo be getting’ hotter than inside Crazy D’s tighty whiteys in weather like dis. Clammyzzle testicizzles.

Come tha go hard or go home, every brother be wonderin’ who gonna slam it on tha ones. Da Ham be lookin’ serious but NiRo, this be his home race. Least, one of dem. Man, that bredren got more passports than 007. He be James boyBand. Yea, Crazy D made a funny. Izzle.

Pretty soon, dat answer come cuz ma boy Da Ham be losin’ control of he’s ride and getting into a serious smackdown with das barrier. Inexplicabizzle brake dizzle failizzle. That leave NiRo on the ones, with ma Finland muthaflucker V Boz on tha twos and ma panda face muddyfunster Filly M on tha threes. Man, Martini gives you wings cuz dem brothers be flying.

‘Cept, this turn out to be literalizzle trueizzle cuz come tha five and goodbye Filly be getting into a immediate smackdown with ma adequate homie K Mag and that Will.i.ams be upsiddy downizzle to grizzle. Ow.

Meanwhile, Da Ham be in da cheap seats but he on da move. Man, that homie be cuttin’ through tha pack like P Danielsiddy with a set of playin’ cards. Pretty soon he be takin’ down all tha big dogs like K Raikk and Nando. Tings ain’t so gravy when he come up against ma brother Jenny B and they be gettin’ into a minor league smackdown. Da Ham get some frontizzle wingizzle damagizzle and straight after he be goin’ faster than ever. Fo’ shizz. Time to reanalyse tha computationizzle flow dynamicizzle dataizzle.

When ma brother A Sut glassed it on lap fiddy, Da Ham take a gamble on tha safety ride comin’ out but that shit don’t go down an’ come tha wavy tablecloth it be NiRo on the big step with V Botty on tha twos and Da Ham settlin’ for a so solid three slot.

And dat be tha Germizzle Giddy Pizzle. Peace out.