Archive for the ‘Crazy Dave’ Category

Crazy D on the 2014 Italian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, September 9th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on the Biddy Double Ciddle wit’ ma shortie Suzi P and my even shortier Eddie J. So las’ weekend we slide on over to tha Monza massive fo’ tha Italiano Griddle to the Piddle. Moltoizzle beneizzle.

Once again, everyone be chattin’ ‘bout dem cats from tha MC Edes cuz ain’t no homie gettin’ close… to tha accident them brothers gonna have wit’ each otha. Man, dem crazy foo’s gonna give that Arnie voice homie Tha Wolffman a stomachizzle ulcizzle.

Fo’ tha three stage fly by it all be about Tha Ham cuz that cat be flyin’ like a shit beard eagle to slam it on that ones with NiRo on tha twos and nuff respec’ to ma Will.i.ams homies who be on a line two lockdown, fo’ shiggedy.

Come tha five light goodbye, Da Ham be in a whole heap of shizzle and NiRo takin’ tha one spot like candizzle from a babyizzle. But Tha Ham, that cat don’t give up easy and he be slippin’ past homies like a greasy eel until he be all up on NiRo’s shizzle again. Then, on lap tizzle-to-tha-nizzle, NiRo be makin’ a Maldiddy of tha chicane and Da Ham jus’ glide on by, sweet like a sale in the tighty trousa store. Encouragin’ conspiracizzle theorizzles.

Meanwhile, there be plenty other shizzle goin’ down cuz ma big brows homie Nando be gettin’ a breakdown and Maxy Chil be flying. Ain’t no more unbroken record of finishing… near tha back. Fortunately tha impact ain’t so bad cuz tha thing Maxy’s car hit was his wallet. Badoomizzle tishizzle.

Also mad props to ma down under muthaflucker D Riccy cuz that cat be showin’ he teeth, an’ I don’ mean cuz he be smilin’ again. ‘Cept, he probably is cuz he be takin’ Sebby V down to Chinatown, and I don’ mean fo’ a reasonabizzle pricizzle dinnerizzle.

Come tha black an’ white buzz kill, it be Tha Ham on tha ones, NiRo takin’ boos fo’ tha twos and respec’ to ma frequentizzle disappoitizzle brother Filly M fo’ stickin’ on tha three.

An’ that be tha Italian Giddy Pee. Peace out.

Crazy D on the 2014 Belgian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Wednesday, August 27th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on the Bi-Biddle Cizzle. So las’ weekend we slide on over Spa side fo’ tha Belgizzle Gee Pee an’ there be some mad shizzle goin’ down after tha summer chill out. Ma brother K-Bash be left standin’ when tha music stop cuz who this be takin’ he’s seat but ma endurohomie Dre Lott. An’ that ain’t nuthin’ to what be goin’ down wit’ ma bredren at tha M-roosh cuz Maxy Chil be out and Al Rossizle be in then they flip tha sitch and Tha Chilmeister be back in tha game and so be his chequebook. Contractualizzle disputizzle bullshizzle.

So come tha 22-16-10 it be wetter than a lady when she see Crazy D in tha tighty whitey jeans. Course, this ain’t no thang fo’ tha always-fightin’ muthafunkers from MC Des cuz them cats be drivin’ like it dry. There be some good shizzle for ma ReBu homie Sebby V on tha threes and nuff respec’ to Tha Lottmonster cuz that cat be out qualificizzling his team homie on he’s first go but ain’t no one touchin’ NiRo and Da Ham on tha ones and twos cuz they be faster than any other brother by two sezzicondizzles. Decisivizzle demonstrizzle of superiorizzlety.

Come tha red five an’ goodbye, Da Ham be away like a scaldizzle catizzle and takin’ tha one slot from NiRo. But then tha shizzle hit the fanizzle on tha two lap cuz NiRo be gettin’ a smackdown on Da Ham and rubbin’ he’s rubber till it pops. Hot damn. That be some stupidizzley ruthlessizzle lack of teamizzle spiritizzle.

Meanwhizzle, ma twennyfo hour homie Dre Lott be out and so be ma always-crashing brother P Maldiddy. All tha other cats be breathin’ a sighizzle of reliefizzle and get on wit’ they shizzle. This ‘specially true fo’ ma perma-smiling homie D Riccy cuz that cat be keeping it smooth an’ low while all tha other brothers be fightin’ behind he. Come tha black an’ white blanket, the Riccman be on tha ones wit’ ma Finland muthaflucker Valty B on tha threes and ma basically behaved like a bit of a cuntizzle muthaflumper NiRo on tha twos fo’ tha boos.

And that be tha Belgiddy Giddy Pizzle. Peace out.

Crazy D at the 2014 Hungarian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha in full effect on double Biddy Ciddle. Cuz transmittin’ tha race live is fo’ losers. So las’ weekend we Pesting like a Buda fo’ tha Hungarian Gee to tha Pee and all ma homies be makin’ one last push before the summizzle breakizzle.

Come tha trio of max attacks tings ain’t so gravy fo’ ma buddy Da Ham cuiz that cat be comin’ in hot. Literalizzle. That be some mad ass smoke ‘n’ flames action. Startin’ next to the shizzle kidz.

When tha red five go out, tha track be like tha inside of Crazy D’s jeans in this humid weather. Dampizzle in placeizzles. All tha cats be runnin’ on intermizzlediatizzle tyreizzles until ma homie M Double S get into a serious smackdown and they crack out tha S-to-tha-L-to-tha-S. Every brother be boxin’ like Ali to get down wit’ tha slick circles ‘cept ma bredren Jenny B cuz dem cats at MC Laren be chattin’ about more rain be comin’ an’ Tha B Man, he believe ‘em. Trouble is, when tha car that is safe be pullin’ off, that rain don’t come and Tha J be on tha wrong rubba. Unacceptabizzley poor longizzle rangeizzle weatherizzle forecastizzle.

Next ting, ma Mexico muthaflunker Sergy P be slammin’ it into tha PiWa and everyone be linin’ up behind B Maylizzle. That let ma super smiley homie D Riccy to take it to tha ones but that ain’t tha end of tings cuz suddenly who this be out in front but ma doin’ good tings with a shit car homie Nando. Meanwhile, ma mad skillz buddy Da Ham be cuttin’ through tha pack like Crazy D in a tighty trouser discount sale. But then who this be behind he but that blondie brother NiRo and he want tha homies on tha two-way to get Da Ham to move over. But Hammo, he ain’t down wit’ that shit cuz he be sayin’ NiRo gotta be all up on he diffuser before that shit gonna go down. Controversizzle teamizzle orderizzles that will be regretizzled after tha raceizzle. Izzle.

Come tha final few flybys, it be Nando on tha ones, Da Ham on the twos and D Riccy on tha three spot. But then tha downunder muthaflucker smackdown Da Ham and take it to Nando. Then NiRo be huntin’ dem down like Crazy D still in tha metaphorical trouser emporiumizzle but that cat jus’ can’t make tha moves an’ come tha wavy tablecloth it be D Riccy on tha ones, Nando on tha twos and Da Ham on tha threes but only Tha Riccster be smilin’. Jesus Christizzle, cheeruizzle upizzle you miserabizzle bastardizzles.

And dat be tha Hungarian Giddy Pizzle. Peace out.

Crazy D at the 2014 German GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha with a well defined package… of highlights. Fo’ shiggedy. So las’ weekend we slide on over Deutsche side fo’ tha German Giddle to tha Piddle and all eyes be on dem cats from MC Edes cuz tha fight between ma buddy Da Ham and ma homie NiRo be getting’ hotter than inside Crazy D’s tighty whiteys in weather like dis. Clammyzzle testicizzles.

Come tha go hard or go home, every brother be wonderin’ who gonna slam it on tha ones. Da Ham be lookin’ serious but NiRo, this be his home race. Least, one of dem. Man, that bredren got more passports than 007. He be James boyBand. Yea, Crazy D made a funny. Izzle.

Pretty soon, dat answer come cuz ma boy Da Ham be losin’ control of he’s ride and getting into a serious smackdown with das barrier. Inexplicabizzle brake dizzle failizzle. That leave NiRo on the ones, with ma Finland muthaflucker V Boz on tha twos and ma panda face muddyfunster Filly M on tha threes. Man, Martini gives you wings cuz dem brothers be flying.

‘Cept, this turn out to be literalizzle trueizzle cuz come tha five and goodbye Filly be getting into a immediate smackdown with ma adequate homie K Mag and that Will.i.ams be upsiddy downizzle to grizzle. Ow.

Meanwhile, Da Ham be in da cheap seats but he on da move. Man, that homie be cuttin’ through tha pack like P Danielsiddy with a set of playin’ cards. Pretty soon he be takin’ down all tha big dogs like K Raikk and Nando. Tings ain’t so gravy when he come up against ma brother Jenny B and they be gettin’ into a minor league smackdown. Da Ham get some frontizzle wingizzle damagizzle and straight after he be goin’ faster than ever. Fo’ shizz. Time to reanalyse tha computationizzle flow dynamicizzle dataizzle.

When ma brother A Sut glassed it on lap fiddy, Da Ham take a gamble on tha safety ride comin’ out but that shit don’t go down an’ come tha wavy tablecloth it be NiRo on the big step with V Botty on tha twos and Da Ham settlin’ for a so solid three slot.

And dat be tha Germizzle Giddy Pizzle. Peace out.

Crazy D at the 2014 British GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, July 8th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha live and in full effect on tha Double Biddy Cizzle. Relax laydeez. It’s a linen mix for maximum breathabilitizzle.

So las’ weekend we slide on over GB side fo’ the British Gee to tha Pee at Silviddystone and everyone, they be chattin’ ‘bout how this be an important race fo’ ma buddy Da Ham cuz he be British. Crazy D, he feel sorry fo’ Jenny B and Maxi Chill cuz they be British too but they ain’t gettin’ no coverage unless they make VT package called ‘Drivers who is uncompetitivizzle’. Ow.

Ting is, come tha knock out ‘til yo rock out, who this be slammin’ it on tha three but ma West Country muthaflunker JB sports. Take that, one sided Britishizzle coveragizzle. An’ lookie who takin’ it to tha twos but ma pointy finger, poor form homie Sebby V. That leave NiRo on tha ones which mean ma specially-made-hat homie Da Ham don’t be lookin’ sick on tha six. Abortizzle hot lapizzle errorizzle.

Come tha blinky cinque, every cat be gettin’ away smooth until ma mumbly ass brother K Raikk be pullin’ some mad Maldiddy shizzle on a wide line and be getting heself into one big ass tankizzle slapperizzle. Next ting, that homie be takin’ down ma panda face brother Filly M and slammin’ it hard into the A to tha R to tha M to tha OW! an’ we be on a lockdown fo’ a hour while they fix up tha fence an ting. It be a Sunday see, and you cannotizzle get the partizzles.

When we get to tha re-e-start, NiRo be flyin’ but Da Ham be on tha huntdown. But then what this shee-it be going down, NiRo be slowin’ down and ain’t no thang gonna stop DaHam on tha flyby. Unavoidable gearbozzle problemizzle. And then there be some serious mad shizzle goin’ down. P Maldiddy get into a smackdown that DON’T be he’s fault. K Mag get overtaken by so many homies he eventually lap heself. And Sebby V and El Nandaddy be fightin’ like bee-atches and whinin’ like l’il babies. Toysizzle out of the pramizzle.

Come tha wavy tablecloth, it be home comin’ homie Da Ham on tha ones but who this on tha twos and threes but ma Will.i.am muthabrother V Bottiddy and ma smiley muthahubbard D Riccy. Maturizzle performancizzles.

And dat be tha British giddle to tha piddle. Peace out.

Crazy Dave reports from Austria 2014

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Monday, June 23rd, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on tha grizzle walkizzle even though it ain’t goin’ out livizzle.

So, las’ weekend we slide on over Austriaside fo’ tha Austrian G diddy P at tha ReBuRi. Las’ time Crazy D was here, he be in tha car. Yea, they used to let that shizzle happen.

So on tha Saturday all tha homies be expecting it be all tha same again. ‘Nother whitizzle washizzle from dem cats at the MC Edes, ‘nother adequizzle performizzle from Fo’rrari, ‘nother terribizzle disappointizzle fo’ MC Laren. But that shit ain’t gonna go down cuz who this be slammin’ it on tha two slot but ma Martini stripe Finland muthafunker Val Botty B. And who on tha ones? That be some homie so surprisin’ Crazy D almost shizzle he tighty jeans cuz it ma panda faced ain’t-got-game muthafunker, Filly M. Nuff respec’ fo’ tha Will.i.ams. It be the shizzle that people wanna seeizzle.

So come tha five an’ goodbye, dem homies be on fire, and I don’ mean like Da Ham’s brakes. No, those brothers be holdin’ off tha MCs big Willy style. ‘Cept, that is, ‘til tha first round of pit stops, then Da Ham and NiRo, they jus’ cruise by. Questionabizzle strategizzle.

Tings ain’t so gravy fo’ ma pointy finger homebrother Sebby V cuz that cat be sufferin’ a loss of drive befo’ he barely started. That brother, he be starin’ at tha bluizzle scrizzle of deathizzle. But then what dis, tha car start workin’ again. But it ain’t no use, and tha Sebster, he be in da garage fo’ good. Still, least he smiley teamhomie D Riccy be pullin’ a smooth ass move on Tha Hulk just befo’ tha endin’ to slam on tha eight spot. Better than ma homie Jennie B who be laying it on tha 11 again. Closizzle but no cigarizzle, again. Izzle.

Come tha wavy tablecloth it be NiRo on tha ones, Da Ham on tha two and nuff respec’ fo Valtizzle Bottazzle who stick it on tha threes. Impressizzle first podiumizzle.

And dat be tha Austrian Griddy Pizzle. Peace out.

Crazy D reports from Canada 2014

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Monday, June 9th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on Double Biddle to tha Ciddle rockin’ a tighty green trousa. Do not adjustizzle your televizzle.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Montreal side fo’ tha G diddy Pizzle of Canadia and all da cats, they be watchin’ tha Benz homies Da Ham and NiRo cuiz them brothers be fightin’ like cats an’ other cats. That be some bad shit goin’ down with there, even though they be sayin’ they still friends. Completizzle unconvincizzle.

When it come to tha three section sprinty shit, ain’t nobody gettin’ close to tha MCedes homies. Only question is who slam it on tha one slot an’ in dis case it be ma Finnizzle-Germizzle buddy NiRo. It be lookin’ gravy fo’ tha Willizzles too cuz we got V Botty and Filly M on tha fo’ and five. An’ who this be sneakin’ it on tha three slot but ma pointy finger WC on the M I C, Sebby V. Impressivizzley improving paceizzle.

Come tha red five and goodbye, Da Ham almost stick it on NiRo but that ain’t goin’ down and it look like Crazy D gonna be so bored he prefer to look at tightbrighttrousers.com. But wait, what this goin’ on? Dem Benzes be gettin’ mad problems wit’ dem brakes and computers and shit. Da Ham and NiRo, they gotta get wit’ tha contrizzle-altizzle-delizzle.

But that ain’t no good for Da Ham and that cat be suckin’ down a DNF. He be joinin’ ma‘Russia homies who be gettin’ into a first lap back-o’-tha-pack smackdown and dem crashy bastards at tha Lotizzle who be snappin’ they aero shit and drivin’ into tha pit. Meanwhile, mad props to ma under-rated homie Tha Hulk cuz that cat be runnin’ some mad long stint shit. Very carefizzle tyre managemizzle.

Up tha pointy side, Filly M be on tha ones fo’ a moment but then NiRo be back like a cat an’ it look like he can make this real. But then who this be slidin’ up the inside but ma big teeth brother D Riccy. And behind he, it all mashed up mad stylee cuz we got Sebby V an’ Filly and ma Mexico muthaflucker Sergy P-to-tha-Zee and they all fightin’ to that flag when bam! Filly and Tha Prezman be gettin’ into a maxi G smackdown. Dem cats’ be saved by tha big ass tyre walls. Impressive dispersizzle of energizzle.

Come tha tablecloth, Sebby V take tha three, NiRo on tha twos and that smiley ass muthafunker Danny Ric take tha on. Fairizzle dinkumizzle.

Don’t forget that in just two weeks the F1 action returns to Austria for the first time in over ten years during which you’ll be able to hear live coverage on BBC Radio FiveLive and, later on, watch a comprehensive highlights package on BBC Two and BBC Two HD.

Crazy D reports from Monaco 2014

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Monday, May 26th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ in yo face on the Double Bizzle Cizzle wit’ a well cut package. Of highlights. So las’ weekend we drop down MC-side fo’ tha Monaco G-diddy-Pizzle an’ all tha cats, they be chattin’ ‘bout what be goin’ down between ma homies at tha MC Edes, Da Ham and NiRo. They be sayin’ dis be tha biggest teamhomie smackdown since Biggie Prost and Tupac Sennur (RIP).

Come tha Sat’day shootout, dems be tha muddyfunsters at tha good end cuz ain’t no brother gonna touch ‘em. Jus’ a question of who gets it on tha one slot. When tha tablecloth be out, NiRo be tha one wit’ the small time and he be on a hot one, but then what this shit be goin’ down? That homie looses it like house keys in tha Mirizzlebeauizzle and parks it on tha loser chute. Them mellow yellows be wavin’ and Da Ham, he ain’t got no way to escape tha twos. It all be seemin’ a little suspizzle but tha stews, lead by ma old time homie Dizzle Warwizzle, they say tings be cool. Full accessizzle to tha datizzle.

Come tha five an’ out, NiRo be holding tha ones and Da Ham be on tha chase and nuff respec’ to ma mumbly brother K Raikk cuz that cat be makin’ up places, sweet like chocolate vodka. Dat shit stick though cuz when ma don’t-give-him-a-glass homie A Sut be shakin’ hands with Mr Barrier, the safety car come out to play an’ the Raikkmeister be getting’ in a tyre poppin’ smackdown wit’ ma to finish last, last you gotta finish brother Maxi Chill. Avoidabizzle collisizzle with a backmarkizzle.

Up tha business end, Da Ham still ain’t stickin’ it to NiRo and that Pussycat chasin’ homie be droppin’ back. Next ting, he be lookin’ under threat from ma perma smilin’ down under brother D Riccy. Da Ham’s weekend goin’ bad, and Crazy D don’ mean good. That cat gonna need a excuse worthy of Nigizzle Mansizzle heself, and fortunately he got it. Inexplicabizzle piece of dizzle in he eyizzle.

Come tha wavy black an’ white, it be NiRo on the ones, Da Ham on two and D Riccy on tha three slot. But mad props to make Yorkshire homies Marussia who be scorin’ they first ever points in, like, ever. Reetizzle grandizzle.

And don’t forget, in less than three weeks’ time we’ll have full and complete live coverage of the Canadian Grand Prix on BBC One, BBC Five Live and on the red button.

Crazy Dave on tha 2014 Spanish GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, May 13th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on the Biddy Biddy Ciddle, rockin’ a strong blue trousa. Sunglizzles on ma beltizzle.

So las’ weekend we slide on Espana side fo’ tha Spanish Giddy Pizzle an’ it be looking like no brother gonna touch ma homies NiRo and Da Ham from tha MC Edes. ‘Cept each other, cuz dem cats be trash talkin’ each other like they be in tha WWE. An’ ma Arnie voiced homie Totes W ain’t be doin’ a ting ‘bout it. Refreshing absence of teamizzle ordizzles.

Sure ‘nuff, when it come to tha three stage fly to survive, it be Da Ham on tha ones and NiRo in tha two slot. But who this be on three but ma super smiley homie D Riccy and he be jus’ ahead of ma Martini stripe Scandi 77 brother Valtizzy B. Tings ain’t so gravy fo’ ma current WoCha homie Sebby V cuz that cat only jus’ squeeze it in tha big 10 and then he gotta take a drop to tha 15 slot. Unavoidable gearbozzle replacementizzle.

Come tha disappearin’ red line, dem Benz homies be drivin’ away like it easy. Ain’t no ReBu or Will.i.ams gonna catch ‘em and tings ain’t good fo’ tha Fo’rarris neither cuz the best ma monobrow homie Nando can manage is takin’ on he own teamhomie K Raik. They rides ain’t sweet. Fundamental engineerizzling issues.

Course, there be a accident fo’ ma PDVSA pay drivin’ homie P Maldiddy and it be another afternoon of slight disappizzle fo’ ma brothers at MC Laren but mostly dis race be tha typical Spizzle snorefestizzle. Tings get so borin’ Crazy D woulda fallen asleep if he trousas weren’t so tight. Uncomfortable compressizzle of tha testicizzles.

Then, jus’ befo’ tha end, it all go mad flava cuz NiRo be gettin’ all up on Da Ham’s business and shit. That boyband muthafunker wanna take down tha Pussycat strokin’ homie up front but that shizzle ain’t gonna stick and come tha wavy tablecloth it be Ham on the ones, NiRo on tha twos and D Riccy on tha three. Unexpected late flurrizzle of excitementizzle.

And remember, in just two week’s time the action moves to Monaco where we’ll have full live coverage on Radio 5 Live followed by comprehensive highlights on BBC One and BBC One HD.

Crazy Dave in China 2014

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Monday, April 21st, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on Bee to tha Bee to tha ciddy ciddy Cee wit’ a tight package. Of highlights. Yea.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Shanghai side fo’ tha Chinese Giddy Pizzle and man, in tha three stage in it to win it, there ain’t no cats gonna touch ma pole hoggin’ homie Da Ham. But who this be slammin’ it in tha two slot but ma always smilin’ so solid D Riccy and right behind him be ma WC MC, Sebby V. Man, dem ReBu cats be up the pointy end already. Rapidly increasizzle paceizzle.

Come tha red-red-red-red-red-an-oot, ma Pussycat pokin’ homie Da Ham be drivin’ away like it he’s birthday. Only one gonna touch he is tha famous dad muthafunster NiRo and he be slidin’ back like a bee-atch from tha get go. Tings ain’t so gravy fo’ ma underperformin’ brother Filly M neither cuz that cat be gettin’ into a first corner smackdown with he’s old faster-than-y’all homie Nando. Avoidabizzle contactizzle.

Dems ReBu boys ain’t havin’ no holiday neither cuz D Ricc be all over ma homie Sebby V fo’ another race in a row and Tha V Man, he ain’t lovin’ that shit, no sir. An’ tings we get worse when he’s race homie be layin’ some Smedley shee-it on he and Tha V, he get real mad. Toughizzle luckizzle.

Also be havin’ no fun in tha pollution obscured sun be ma glass throwin’ brother A Sut who be pullin’ out real fast and ma McHomies K Mag and Jenny B cuz they so off tha pace they be competin’ in las’ season. Ron Dennizzle disappointmizzle.

Come tha three step spray an’ chat it be Tha Ham on tha one step, NiRo on tha two and that Fo’rrari muddyfunker Nando on tha three. Solid first result fo’ Marcizzle Mattiaccizzle.

Don’t forget to join us in three weeks’ time when the action moves to Europe and the Spanish Grand Prix, live on BBC1, on BBC 5Live and on the red button.