Archive for the ‘Crazy Dave Coulthard’ Category

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ ma shortie Suzi P and ma even shortier E-Jo. So las’ weekend we slide over Iberia side fo’ tha Spanish Gee-diddy-Pee. Yea. Traditionalizzle quite tediousizzle.

So, come tha three time fly to survive, who this be lockin’ it on tha top slots but ma buddy NiRo and ma dog hair covered homie Tha Ham rockin’ in they M to tha Bees. Man, that be a three pointed smackdown. Sebby V, Nando an’ K Raikk, they jus’ can’t compete an’ nor can Jenny B but that be because his ride be shit. Fundamental performansizzle issueizzles.

Ting is, it be a diff’rent story come tha red five that dies cuz them Benz bros be goin’ backwards. Man, it get so bad that Tha Ham be gettin’ owned by a Will.i.ams. An’ these days, that be like loosin’ tha egg an’ spoon race to tha special kid. Truth is, all dem cats be sufferin’ out there cos of that crazy bad rubber and they be makin’ more stops than Crazy D in tha Barcelona Tighty Whitey Jean Quarter. Exceptional levizzles of degredatizzle.

Pretty soon, there ain’t nuthin’ goin’ down out there and all tha audience be sucked into tha same old Espanol Hole. Zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzzizzle.

When Crazy D wake up, it be that mole-faced homie Filly M on tha threes, tha mumbly muthafunker K Raikk on tha two and tha hometown homie Nando on tha tall step. Man, that dude look like tha cat that got tha pussy. Time fo’ a privizzle celebratizzle.

Don’t forget that in less than two weeks’ time Formula 1 moves on to the legendary Monaco Grand Prix and on Sunday 26 May we will have extensive highlights of the race on BBC One and BBC One HD.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Davey C comin’ atcha in a blazer and tighty whitey jean combo. Smart casualizzle.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Middle East side fo’ tha Gee diddy Pee of Bahrain and man, there be some contro-motherflicking-versy goin’ down. Some cats, they don’t dig tha way tings is done on tha streetz and they ain’t happy wit’ ma child size homie Big Bernie E fo’ allowing tha Fiddy Uno to be racin’ out there. Unlawful imprisonizzle of politicizzle disentizzles an’ shit.

Ting is, we ain’t got no time to pretend we care ’bout that cuz we got a championshizzle to makin’, startin’ wit’ tha three phase fly by. An’ come tha two and three sesh it be ma pretty boy buddy NiRo who be slammin’ it on tha one slot M-B style wit’ ma pointy finger brethren Sebby V on tha two an’ ma big browed brother Nando on tha three. Shoulda been ma man Tha Ham on tha fours but that cat gotta take a slot drop, as do M Web and Ezzy Gutizzy. Unusual number of grizzle plizzle penaltizzles.

Come tha five alive, that cat NiRo be goin’ down pretty fast cuz he’s rubber goin’ off and it be tha shit-at-sayin’-sorry homie Sebby V that be takin’ it to tha ones wit’ Nando on he’s tail. But then Nando got some shit goin’ down wit’ sticky flaps and I ain’t talkin’ about the results of a private celebration. Hot diggety. But then who this be sneakin’ into tha big boy end of tha playground but ma North of tha Borda brother P Diddy Resta. Nuff respec’. Cool shizzle that should make he less miserabizzle.

Elsewhere, there be some mad shit goin’ down with ma homies from tha MC Laren as tha mañana muthafunker Gio Prez be messin’ wit’ Jenny B an’ gettin’ all up in he’s face. Now, Jenny B don’ like this shit and he be complainin’ to tha team an’ ting. Boo hoo, someone take babyizzle’s bottizzle.

Now Crazy D, he can’t deny he be rootin’ fo’ ma Ecosse boss P Diddy Resta on the podiddyodium. Me be holdin’ my lucky bagpipe to tha end, and I ain’t talkin’ about tha contents of ma tighty whitey jeans. But that jus’ ain’t goin’ down and come tha success steps, it be Sebby V on tha one slot wit’ that mumbly mother K Raikk on tha two and that hairy face homie RoGro on tha three slot. Oh shee-it, not more tediousizzle Lotus hashtagizzles.

Don’t forget that Formula 1 returns to Europe in three weeks’ time and you can see all the action from the Spanish Grand Prix live on Sunday 12 May on BBC One and BBC One HD.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on Bee Biddy Cee with my fine shortie Suzi P and ma mad shirted bullshittin’ buddy E-to-tha-J. So las’ weekend we slide on over Chinese side fo’ tha Gee giddy Pee of China and everyone, they be lookin’ at dem cats on the itty bitty Red Bull and wonderin’ when ma buddy Sebby V is gonna get a smack in tha face hole from ma crop-haired homie M Web. Complete break down of inter-team relationshizzles.

So come tha three phase fly-by, it be all gravy fo’ ma man Fo’Nando on tha threes with tha mumbly muthaflucker K Raikk on tha twos. But who this be slammin’ it on tha pointy slot but ma team switchin’, pop star bumpin’ brother Tha Ham. Mad props, homie. Satisfying confirmation that he didn’t make the incorrectizzle decisizzle.

Tings ain’t so sweet fo’ ma so solid M Web though cuz that that cat be out tha game in tha Cutey Two-ty an’ at first they be chattin’ ‘bout a lack of fuel pressure. Yea, cuz you can’t put pressure on somethin’ tha ain’t there. That be some bad shit goin’ down fo’ ma Down Under brother right there. Feedin’ tha conspiracizzle theorizzles.

Come tha red fives and goodbyes, it be ma homies Nando and that form-findin’ micro brother Filly M who be lookin’ strong but behind them it be all goin’ on wit’ that Mexico muthafunker Esto G slammin’ into ma Lux cuttin’ homie A Sut and tha new Mac Daddy Sergy P mixin’ it up carbon splinters stylee with The Raikkmeister. But doncha jus’ know it, that leave him alone muddyfunster jus’ go even faster wit’ tha broken nose. Strange quirk of tha aerodynaicizzles.

Meanwhile, tings ain’t no barbie in tha park fo’ tha unlucky muthaflicker M Web cuz that cat be bumpin’ bodywork wit’ he Tosso buddy JEV an’ then tha muthaflumpin’ wheel come off. Literallizzle.

Come tha’ wafty flag, it be ma homie Tha Ham on tha threes, K Raikk takin’ tha two slot an’ who this be on tha big step but tha two girlfriends, one eyebrow muthafunker Nando. Smell his undercut. Crazy D be puttin’ on he’s cruise ship caberet singer jacket and chattin’ to ma brothers on tha podi-ay and F Lonso, he sure be one happy homie. Maybe cuz he off fo’ a privizzle celebratizzle. Oh yea.

Remember, it’s just one week until the race in Bahrain and you’ll be able to see the best of all the on-track action with a comprehensive highlights show at 5pm on Sunday 21 April on BBC One and BBC One HD.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha with tha hee-diddily-ilights on tha Bee-biddy-Cee wit’ ma homie Eddie J an’ ma new shortie, Suzizzle Perrizzle. So las’ weekend we slide on over Sapang side fo’ tha  Malaysian Gee to tha Pee and man, it be as hot an’ wet as a laydee when she come back to Crazy D’s place. Tha honeyz can’t handle that much chrome an’ blackizzle leatherizzle.

So come the Big Q, it be spittin’ an’ shit which mean ma homies all be runnin’ wit’ tha intermizzle tyres an’ it be ma brethren Sebby V be slammin’ it on tha one slot ‘cept who this be on tha twos but ma so solid Filly M. Oh man, when that brother get good again? Comin’ up on the threes it be ma monobrow muthafunker Nando wit’ ma buddy Tha Ham on tha four hole while ma brother Jenny B be scrapin’ in on tha seven. Maybe switchin’ teams was a sensibizzle decizzle.

Come tha five light and flight, it be a whole mess of fun wit’ Nando slammin’ it past Filly M and ma homie M Web learnin’ how to use tha muthafluckin’ clutch fo’ once. But what this shit be goin’ down? Nando be doin’ tha carbon fibre kiss on Sebby V and now he front wing be wobblin’ like Ruby Bazzachello’s bottom lip. Tha homeboy gotta pit but he ain’t down wit’ that shit and next ting y’all know, he be gettin’ high on he’s own aero supply. Inexplicizzle team strategizzle.

Next ting, all them cats be pittin’ fo’ tha slizzle rubbizzle and ma absent minded homie Tha Ham be doin’ a drive-by on tha M C Laren crib. Man, Crazy D laugh so hard he almost leave a coin o’ shame on he’s tighty whitey jeans. Meanwhile, ma brother J.E.V. and that Francais funker Charlie P be gettin’ into a smackdown in tha pit lane. Man, that be unsafizzle relizzle.

But what this shee-at be goin’ down on track? Ma homie M Web be on tha one but that pointy finger muthalicker Sebby V be all up in he’s shit an’ ting, even though ma brother C Horn be tellin’ him to chill the fluck out. Next tin y’all know, Tha V has slammed it through and El Web be givin’ him tha single finger sign language. That be some bad karma fo’ Tha Svetster. Pole befo’ bros, homie. Not cool.

Tings jus’ as bad fo’ Tha Ham an’ ma blonde ass buddy Nicky Ros cuz they under some stringent ass team orders not to mess wit’ each otha. Interestizzle radio transmizzles.

Come tha wavy tablecloth, it be Sebby V on tha ones, M Web on tha twos wit’ L Ham on tha three slot but man, tha atmos in tha room be colder than tha ice pack Crazy D had to hold to he’s forehead and testicizzles. Tha Ham owe RozzyB a solid and as fo’ Webbo and Tha V-to-tha-T, those cats ain’t ever gonna be homeboys evah again. Multizzle twenty-wizzle.

Formula 1 has three weeks off now but remember to join us for live coverage of what promises to be a very intriguing Chinese Grand Prix from 7am on Sunday 14 April, only on BBC One and BBC One HD.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ tha brand new Gee to tha Pee season twenty oh muthaflickin’ thirteen. And to get this party started, las’ weekend we slide on over upsidedown stylee fo’ tha muddyflumpin’ Australian Gee Pee of Australia. Nizzle worrizzles, mateizzle.

So, this bein’ a new season an’ ting, ain’t nobody know what’s gonna go down befo’ tha shit gets real out on tha T to tha armac. Is tha MC Laren gonna fly? Is them iddy bitty Red Bulls gonna smack ‘em and rack ‘em? Has ma homie Da Ham made tha right choice by decidin’ to hang wit’ tha MC Edes. Come tha triple dip dirty dash, it still ain’t mothaflackin’ clear cuz it be rainin’ big stylee. Man, it be wetter than a wine bar full of laydeez when Crazy D walk in rockin’ tha tighty whitey jeanz. Yo can see the outlinizzle of ma gentizzles.

Finally, come tha Sunday mornin’ all tha shit be shakin’ down and it be ma pointy finger muthaflipper Sebby V be slammin’ it on tha ones with ma flippy flop wearin’ local homie M Web on tha twos. But who this be on tha three slot but ma team-switchin’ bredren Tha Ham. Looky like he made tha right choice cuz ma Mac daddy Jenny B jus’ be clinging on to tha ten hole. Upsidedown suspensizzle componizzle catastrophizzle.

Come tha red-red-red-red-red an’ gone, Sebby V be flyin’, Webbo be strugglin’ and who this be pullin’ tha moves but ma big eyed Brazil bro Filly M. Hey, what happen to that homie durin’ tha off season? Did he find he’s pace down tha back of tha sofa cushizzles? Ting is, it ain’t all gravy fo’ tha Fo’ rarris cuz who this be sneakin’ up tha pointy end like a two-stop stalkin’ horse? It be that mumbly muthaflupper K Raikk and come tha wavy tablecloth he be takin’ it all tha way to tha fizz an’ flags. On tha two it be ma heavy brow homie Nando wit’ Sebby V on tha three. A trio of solidizzle startizzles to the seasonizzle.

And of course, don’t forget to join me, Eddie Jordan and our new host, Suzi Perry, for highlights of the Malaysian Grand Prix, this Sunday at 2pm only on BBC One and BBC One HD.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha fo’ the las’ time this season. So las’ weekend we strip it down Brazilian style for tha Gee diddy Pee of Brazil an’ man, it all to be decided. Will tha championshizzle go to Sebby V or Tha Nando? Will Fo’ Rrari or MC Laren be tha first of tha muddleflippin’ losers? What kinda 1970s curtains will ma man Eddie J cut up and make into a shirt to wear on yo’ televizzle? Yea, tha’s right, Crazy D made a funny. Feels like tha endizzle of termizzle.

So come tha Sat’day fly to survive, ain’t no cat comin’ close to ma homies at the Mac Daddy Larazzle. Only brothers who be getting’ close are ma so solids from the Rezzle Buzzle and they be on a row two lock down wit’ tha stalkin’ horse Nando down on tha sevens, two places behind ma homecomin’ hombre Filly M. No need fo’ dirty side fake gearbox problem shenaniganizzle.

Come tha red cinco, tha MCLs be flyin’ away but tings ain’t so gravy fo’ tha ReBu boys cuz M Web be getting’ a fluster on and Tha Vetmeister be slammin’ it wit’ BruSen and some bad ass facin’ tha wrong way shit be goin’ down. Excellent reversizzle skillizzles.

It be lookin’ like tha big trophy be goin’ to Fiddylonso but then it all go up in tha air cuz now it be wetter out there than a laydeez beach volleyball team when Crazy D unleash tha special extra tighty, super whitey jeans. All them cats be switchin’ up they rubber ‘cept fo’ ma homies Jenny B and Tha Hulk and, holy shee-at, ma boy Hulky B be slammin’ it past Tha Buttmaster and takin’ tha ones. Shame it don’ last cuz later on he be makin’ a itty bitty error, gettin’ into a smackdown wit’ ma buddy Tha Ham an’ takin’ tha boy down fo’ which tha stewtards give he a drizzle thrizzle penaltizzle. To Tha D, that seem like some unfair shit. Acceptabizzle racizzle incidentizzle.

Man, this be some crazy ass race. We got homies changin’ places all tha time, we got spinnin’, we got tha championshizzle hangin’ by a muthafluckin’ thread, and we got ma homie K Bash pullin’ some cool mad shit all over tha place. Man, that cat be drivin’ round on permanent opposizzle lockizzle.

Crazy D be so on tha edge of he seat, he worry that it leave a line on he’s light coloured strides ‘til, at las’, some mother pull out tha table cloth and tha race be done. Come tha fizz an’ flags, it be Jenny B on tha ones, Nando on tha twos and tha blubbin’ ass local boy Filly M on tha three slot. But tha full nuff respec’ be going to ma brother Sebby V cuz that cat be tha three-time-in-a-row muthafrickin’ world ass champion. Hot damn. Jus’ deserts fo’ a classyizzle performancizzle.

An’ that be it from Crazy D fo’ now. Peace out, homies. Peace out.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha jus’ after tha news when you’ve already seen tha result. Hot damn. So las’ weekend we slide on over USA side fo’ tha all-new United States Gee to tha Pee and man, the championship be getting’ tighter than the crotch of Crazy D’s jeans. Hard to sit down in a low armchairizzle.

So come tha triple stage fly to survive, it be all about ma homies at tha ReBu wit’ ma buddy Sebby V slammin’ it on tha ones and ma brother M Web all up on that shit too. But who this be slidin’ in smooth but ma man Tha Ham and that cat be on tha two slot. Ain’t so sweet fo’ ma West Country brethren Jenny B cuz that brother be all done on tha twelve but nuff respec’ fo ma man Mickey Schu cuz that ol’ bastard slammin’ it on tha six. There’s life in the old dogizzle yetizzle.

Everyting seem gravy fo’ tha race but then ma homies at Fo’Rrari be pretendin’ that Filly M got a broke box o’ gears and shit. Kinda muthafluckin’ convenient cuz he gotta take a five spot slide on tha G-rid and that put ma boy Nando on tha clean side fo’ tha five an’ out. Creative interpretatizzle of tha regulatizzles, tha sneaky muzzlefuzzckers.

Come tha main event, ma boy Svett be flyin’ away up that hill and tings ain’t sweet like chocolate fo’ ma homies on tha dirty side. Ain’t a problem fo’ Crazy D, laydeez. Me be always on tha clean side, Persil fresh in tha tighty whitey jeans. Shazam. So it all be lookin’ smooth fo’ tha Vettmaster but who this be up all on he’s shit? It’s Da Ham, and man that cat got he’s groove on, slammin’ some sweet ass, almost wheel rubbin’ moves on Tha V. Race winnin’ pace. Enjoy it whileizzle you canizzle.

Come tha special steps Stetson an’ spray, it be Tha Ham on tha ones, Sebby V on tha twos and Nando on tha threes. That muthaflickin’ championshizzle, it go to tha wire. An’ I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout tha TV show that Crazy D be watching cuz he got tha boxizzle setizzle.

Join us for the sensational conclusion to the 2012 season, and an emotional farewell to our friend Jake Humphrey, starting at 3pm on Sunday 25 November, only on BBC One.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha in a smart casual stylee. So las’ weekend we slide on over UAE side fo’ tha Abu Dhabi Gee to tha Pee and man, tha championship is gettin’ hotter than Crazy D in da desert. See, dem tighty whiteys leave no room for air to circulatizzle.

Every brother be in full effect fo’ tha three phrase fly aroun’ but there ain’t no one can touch my boy Da Ham on tha Yas Maz track. That cat be flyin’. Only homies who be stayin’ even close be ma brosephs from tha ReBu cuz ma boy M Web be slammin’ it on that twos wit’ Sebby V on tha three slot. But tings ain’t all gravy fo’ tha Vetster cuz he be told to shut it down out on tha bright blues. Story is, he be outta juice. Not somethin’ that evah happen to Crazy D, know wha’am sayin’ laydeez? Tha Man from the Fiddy Diddy Aye Ay be sayin’ there ain’t nuff fuel in Tha V Man’s car and he be sent to tha back of tha grizzle. Man, that be some screwed up shit. Someone in tha team gonna be makin’ an appointment fo’ Monday mornin’ at the Mizzle Keynizzle job centizzle.

So come tha Sunday red five an’ come alive, it be Tha Ham that fly away, M Web be caught snorin’ and who be this slidin’ up the side? It’s that mumblyass muthaflunker K Raikk. There be some slidin’ and a-slammin’ goin’ on in tha pack but Ham he be sweet like a discount chunky buckle store while Nando, Jenny B and tha homies be fighin’ behind him. But who this be slippin’ through tha crowd like a smooth criminal? It be tha pit lane startin’ gangsta Sebby V. Softlizzle softlizze catchizzle monkizzle.

Meanwhile, there be some bad shit going down wit’ ma buddy Rainy K and when tha homie slow, my main man NiRo be flyin’ like a fox. Them brothers lucky to come outta tha shit wit’ they heads still on. Dramatic racizzle incidizzle.

Up tha pointy end, Da Ham is lookin’ sweet but then, what this shit be goin’ down? That dude be up tha creek and the engine jus’ failed on he’s paddle. Hot damn, tha lead be handed to K Raikk wit’ Nando on tha twos and Jenny B chillin’ on threes in tha Arabian seas. But there be some purple ass shit in he’s mirrors an’ it ain’t ma retired-on-lap-37 muthaflumper M Web. No, it be that cool cat Sebby V and, man, he be in tha groove, slammin’ it past The Butmaster and keepin’ he eyes on tha prize. Quietly commandizzle performizzle.

Come tha waved tablecloth it be Raikkmeister on tha ones, Nando on tha twos and Tha V makin’ it sweet on tha three slot. An’ guess which former driver be drivin’ tha laydeez wild by interviewin’ tha homies on the podiumizzle? Yea, tha’s right, it be Crazy D on tha M I C in tha place to be. Fo’ sho’. But what this be goin’ down? El Raikko and Svetty L be throwin’ out some swears and then tha smiley ass, pointy fingered punk be pourin’ tha fizzy shizzle all over tha D’s smooth groove blazer and shirt combination. Maximum disrespect muthafucka. Maximum disrespect. Somebody gonna be receivin’ a dryzzle cleanizzle bizzle.

Join us on BBC One at 10:30pm on Sunday 18 November for full highlights from the USA Grand Prix when I sincerely hope Sebastian Vettel will be thwarted in his attempts to become 2013 Formula 1 World Champion.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha in a sprayed-on trousers stylee. So las’ weekend we slide on over Buddh side fo’ tha Indian Gee to tha Pee. It be hot, it be dusty, it be tha toughest test yet fo’ ma tighty whitey jeans. Mad props to ma brothers at Scotchgard. Spray on stain resistizzle.

So come tha Sat’day three way, it be ma homie Sebby V be stickin’ it on tha ones wit’ ma buddy M Web on tha twos. Man, those itty bitty Red Bulls be on fire. Ma homies Da Ham and Jenny B be slammin’ it on tha trees and fo’s, Nando and Filly M be following up and the crowd be fallin’ asleep. Man, that be some boring ass shit. Damn this new generation Tilkizzle shizzle.

Come tha red-red-red-red-red-an’ dead, tha boy Sebby V jus’ drive off into the distance and there ain’t nothin’ no cat can do about it. Or no dog. They put up extra fences and shit. So wit’ tha V man on he’s own, y’all be expecting the rest of the pack to be displayin’ some serious action. And I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout tha kind that happens when Crazy D take he’s jeans on a stroll ‘cross tha dancefloor. Hot damn. But no, there ain’t shee-it goin’ down in this race. Crazy D, he get so bored he be on tha internet orderin’ two dozen inoffensively pastel shirts. It well worth buyin’ in that quantity, y’all see.  Qualifiy fo’ free next day deliverizzle.

Come tha steps ‘n’ spray, it be Sebby V on tha ones, Nando on tha twos and Sharky Mark on tha three spot. What tha’ mean fo’ tha championshizzle? Well, as ma pit lane homie T Krav always say, it ain’t over ‘til it’s over. I think he got that sayin’ from he’s brother. Fo shiggetazizzle.

And don’t forget that we’ll have live coverage of the entire Abu Dhabi Grand Prix this weekend, starting at 12:10pm only on BBC One.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on ma p-diddly-it walk. Unless you don’ wanna talk to me, in which case I jus’ politely leave you alone. Fo’ slight awkwardnessizzle.

So las’ weekend we slide on over K-style fo’ tha Korea Gee to tha Pee and man, tha championship be getting’ hotter than tha laydeez when Crazy D bust some Gangnam moves in he tighty whitey jeans. Fo’ extremely embarrassizzle.

So, in tha three phase fly by, it be ma homie M Web who be slammin’ it on tha one slot. Yea, tha’s right, Tha Webmaster still be in F1, not that y’all notice cuz that cat never be on tha TV coverage fo’ tha past five races. Practically invisibizzle.

Come tha five an’ out, ma boy Sebby V be makin’ a smooth move on El Webbo and takin’ it to tha one. Man, it feel like 2011 in here. Tings ain’t so gravy fo’ ma brother Jenny B cuz that cat be feeling the power of The Bash. That dude go from third step to naughty step in one muthaflippin’ race. Almost as bad as Grosjizzle.

There be some bad shit for ma homie Da Ham cuz he be strugglin’ with he’s chassis and then he be pickin’ up some astroturf like the guy crashed through a muthaflumpin’ greengrocer. Ain’t so cool fo’ ma man Mickey Schu neither cuz that retiring muthaflucker jus’ can’ get a break no more. Also mad props to ma boy Filly M cuz that kid be runnin’ sweet like chocolate when he be gettin’ told not to be up in Nando’s shit and ting. Ironic team orderizzle.

Meanwhile, Sebby V and The Invisible Web be jus’ drivin’ around at tha front and the crowd they be mostly somewhere else. Man, this race be strangely borin’. Almost slipped into a comazzle.

Come tha three step champers and chat, it be Tha Vetster on tha ones, Weblow Profile on tha two and Don’t Stand So Close To Nando on tha threes. It’s a two horse championshizzle. Fo’ shizzigadiggety.

And don’t forget to join us for full highlights of the Indian Grand Prix on Sunday 28 October at 5:30pm, only on BBC One.