Archive for the ‘Crazy Dave Coulthard’ Category

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary box wit’ ma man Marty B fo’ tha las’ time. Yea, that’s right. The brother betrayed us. Fo’ shizz.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Brazil side for tha Brazilian Gee-ta-tha-Pee. Ay ay muthaflippin’ ay. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaa! He be tha muthafunkin’ world champion but ma boy Sebby V, he jus’ don’ quit and stick it on tha one slot as he always do. That kid, he think it be he’s reserved parkin’ slot! Yea, that’s right, Crazy D made a funny. Fo’ shnizzle.

Come tha five an’ out, tha V Man be jus’ drivin’ away wit’ ma man Marky Web on he’s tail. There be some cool shit goin’ on behind though cuz ma homie Nando be takin’ ma bro Jenny B on tha outside. That grumpy monobrow muthafunker be bendin’ tha laws o’ physics. Fo’ schnozzle.

Up front, thing’s ain’t be so sweet fo’ tha V Man cuz he have a ‘gearbox fault’. Yea, like when Crazy D tell a lady that he be ‘busy tonight’ but it really be cuz he be takin’ another chick out that night, know wha’am sayin’? Hey, gotta share the D Man around. Fo’ schnitzel.

So Marky Mark slide on by and come tha three step spurt ‘n’ squirt it be Tha Web on top wit’ Sebby B and Jenny B on tha twos an’ threes. Respec’ homies. And that be tha 2011 season. Peace out people. Crazy D, done.

Although don’t forget that the BBC will be covering all of the races in the 2012 season and 10 of them will be live including the British Grand Prix from Silverstone. I hope you can join Jake Humphrey, Lee McKenzie and me for all the F1 action next year.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from the commentary booth. Wait, where are tha muthaflumpin’ windows? Maaan, it be dark in here.

So las’ weekend we slide on over India side fo’ tha first evah Indian Gee-to-tha-muthaflippin’-Pee. It be hot, it be dusty, there be a risk that a bro’s gonna eat somet’ing that ain’t good and he gonna shit he pants. But is any o’ these things gonna stop Crazy D rockin’ tha tighty whitey jeans? Two words fo’ y’all: No. Way. Two other words fo’ y’all: Scotch. Guard. Fo’ shiggedy.

So, out on tha track in tha qualificazzizzle, tha boy Sebby V jus’ slide it on in tha one slot. Man, that kid jus’ don’ quit. He wanna get he’s finger up at every oppo-muthafrizzing-tunity. Kinda reminds Crazy D of Crazy D heself when he be younger. But not on tha track. Know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ shimminy.

So come tha five-an’-out, Tha V Man by disappearin’ over tha horizon before them other cats know what be happ’nin’. That kid be cray-zee fo’ tha points! Meanwhile, there be some bad shit goin’ down in tha followin’ pack cuz ma buddy Tha Ham be havin’ another muthafizzin’ accident wit’ tha boy Filly M. What be wrong with them cats? They be touchin’ more than a bunch o’ lay-deez when Crazy D walk onto tha yacht. What make it worse, the stewards then go and lay some penalty shit on Tha Mass Man. Why they go pick on a homie like that? Tha boy can’t bearly remember to press the muthafunkin’ accelerator sometimes and then they make he do a drive through? It be like beating up tha special needs kid at school. Fo’ shillalah.

When tha tablecloth be waved, Sebby V be on tha one again with ma homeboy Jenny B on tha twos and Nando holding tha three slot. That be cool fo’ them cats, but maaan, ma boys Tha Ham and Filly M gotta sort their shit out, and soon. Know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ shippingforecast.

Meanwhile, the championship may be decided but there are still two very exciting races to come in this remarkable 2011 season and you’ll be able to catch them both in high definition, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave spittin’ some mad ass commentating flavas from tha booth wit’ Marty B. Hot diggety. So las’ weekend we slide on over Far East side fo’ tha Japanese Grand Prix and this be some exciting shit fo’ ma buddy Sebby V cuz he need jus’ one point to seal the muthafunkin’ deal on another driver’s championshizzle. Mo’ figgity.

The only cat tha’s gonna stop that goin’ down is ma boy J Butt and that brother got some bad ass statistical improbability workin’ against him. Sho’ enough, Tha V Man stick it on tha one slot fo’ tha five an’ out but then durin’ tha race he be havin’ some bad shit goin’ down wit’ tha rubber. That don’ be a problem for Crazy D cuz he be prepared when he be wit’ a laydee. Know wha’am sayin’? Bo’ shizzididdy.

While ma boy Da Ham be tusslin’ again wit’ tha pussy ass order follower Filly M, Tha Butt Master be pullin’ some smooth moves to keep it one side and come tha three step fizz ‘n’ flash he be takin’ tha tall trophy. But that ain’t enough to deny Sebby V he’s second muthaflippety driver’s title. Nuff respec’ to tha V Man, cuz that be some good drivin’ throughout tha year an’ shit. Go’ biggedizzizle.

However, there are still four races to go in this season and there’s still plenty of exciting racing yet to come in 2011 which you’ll be able to watch live, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary box, spittin’ out some sweet rhymes and some phat analysis. Fo’ shizz.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Singapo’ side fo’ tha muthafunkin’ Gee Pee of tha night. That be some heavily lit shit right there. My boy Sebby V, he gotta a chance of winnin’ the whole muthaflippin’ world championship there. He just need certain other things to happen but Crazy D ain’t gonna get bogged down in all that math. All y’all need to know is that some shit be goin’ down. Fo’ shizzam.

Tha V, he stick on tha one slot, same as usual, wit’ ma buddy M Web on tha two. Come tha five and out, Sebby V, he be movin’ faster than Crazy D’s tighty whitey jeans across a discotheque. But tings ain’t so good fo’ Tha Web man cuz he make another “special start”. Come on brother, learn how to use a muthafunkin’ clutch. Fo’ shizzizzidy.

So cuz M Web be slow off the line, ma boy Jenny B be rollin’ in tha two hole, and ma main man Da Ham be layin’ down some serious pace in tha field. But then some bad shit go down, cuz Da Ham be smackin’ into ma homie Filly M and bustin’ up theys rides. Man, that Filly kid, he gotta speed up or get tha funk out. He a worse lame ass seat blocker than Crazy D in he McLaren days. Fo’ shizzazzitwazzle.

Come tha three step spray ‘n’ smile, Sebby V be on tha one slot but wit’ Jenny B and M Web on tha twos an’ threes, and wit’ Tha Nando takin’ tha fo’, Tha V ain’t tha Wo’ Cham’ yet. Cuz in this muthaforkin’ season, it ain’t over until Crazy D say it be. Fo’ shizzigizzywiddle.

And remember that you can access more post-race analysis and exclusive interviews with team bosses and drivers by pressing the red button on your remote.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary box, spittin’ some phat analytical flavas wit’ ma buddy Marty B. Fo’ shizz.

So this weekend we be flyin’ away fo’ tha Singapore Gee to tha Pee and that mean tha D Man, he gonna need some new muthafunkin’ trousers fo’ tha extreme conditions. It gonna be hot, it gonna be sticky, and I ain’t be talkin’ ‘bout tha ladeez when Crazy D walk in tha room. Know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ shizziddy.

Also, tha Singapore smackdown, it be at night and that mean visibility be an issue. A brother gotta make sure his trews ain’t gonna disappear after the muthaflippin’ sun be goin’ down. Y’all get me? What tha D be sayin’ here is, this ain’t no case of runnin’ into Marks & ma main man Spencer an’ jus’ grabbin’ tha first pair of strides y’all find. This gonna need some bad ass searchin’ and some muthafartin’ tryin’ on. Fo’ shizzibidibidi.

Tha’s why this week, Tha D, he be all over that shee-it and he be getting’ his mo’foin’ ass down to tha Westfield shopping centre. Yea. He be all over that shit like a muthafrappin’ Scotch rash, pullin’ those trousers off they rack and takin’ them to tha changin’ rooms to get up close and muthafrackin’ personal. Fo’ shizziggetywizz.

Firs’ pair, they be too loose. Secon’ pair, they be tha wrong colour. But the third pair, shazzam! That be a muthafrizzle sartorial slam dunk right there.

They tight. They white. They jus’ right. Fo’ shizzibazigettywizzle.

And don’t forget to tune in to Sunday’s race, from 1pm only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha, rockin’ tha tighty whitey jeans in tha comm box. Y’all can’t see dem but you knows I is wearin’ ‘em. Oh man, it be hard to sit down.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Italia side fo’ tha Monza Gee to tha Pee. Man, that be some low downforce shizzle and some mad Gurney flap action. That not be tha only flap action Crazy D be down wit’, know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ shizziddy.

So, when tha five an’ out be goin’ down, ma boy Nando be pullin’ some smooth moves on ma buddy Sebby V and he be takin’ tha one slot. Thing is, Tha V, that be a total diss fo’ he and that shit, it ain’t gonna stick. He be pullin’ some mad, kickin’ up dirt kinda shi’, he be past and he be off like Crazy D towards a tighty trouser shop. Fo’ shizzamizzle.

Meanwhizzle, ma boy Tha Ham be gettin’ all bent outta shape by an old guy we call Mickey Schu. Yea, tha’s right. Tha Schuster, he get his mojo back. That be some mad aggressive door closin’ action, Schumaster. Then Jenny B be movin’ in like a muthafunkin’ shark and takin’ ‘em both down. Yea, tha’ be some sweet ass shorter gearin’ right there. Fo’ shizzidizzirizzle.

Come tha checky flag, it be tha Buttmeister stuck between Sebby V and Tha Nando on tha three step pop ‘n’ piss. Respec’ to y’all cuz that be some fly ass racin’ action. Fo’ shizziggedyizzleniz.

And don’t forget to join us again in two weeks time for the distinctive night race in Singapore, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave cimin’ atcha live from the box of comm. wit’ ma buddy Marty B. Mmm, this shit be workin’ out betta than anyone expected. So this weekend we slide on over to tha Stone that is Silver fo’ tha muthafunkin’ British Gee Pee. Man, they got some bad ass new facilities goin’ down. I jus’ hope it don’ look dated in ten years time, fo’ shiddly shizz.

So come tha qualificatiation, all tha teams, they be arguin’ and dissin’ cuz of tha dispute wit’ tha exhausts and ting. Shee-it. Crazy D never have this problem when it comes to gettin’ he’s diffuser blown, know wha’am sayin’? Hot diggedy.

So tha teams get their shizz together but then tha clouds open and it be rainin’ like a bad ass. That be what we call a lotta inches of Scottish sunshine. Yea, Crazy D jus’ made a funny. Deal wit’ it. Ma Brit buddies Jenny B and Tha Ham, they ain’t havin’ so much fun out there but mad props to ma homie P diddy Resta who slam it on tha six slot, Scotchland stylee. Fo’ sho’.

Come tha five an’ out, things be all shook up. My boys Sebby V and Tha Web ain’t be getting’ it all they’s own way cuz tha boy Nando by all up in they griddle and when they be havin’ some bad shit goin’ down with they’s stops, that ‘Rari be flyin’ by. Things be even worse fo’ ma bro Jenny B cuz he be havin’ some problem with he nuts. Y’all gotta check ‘em regularly fellas, know wha’am sayin’. Then we got Tha Ham who ain’t takin’ no shee-it from tha boy Philly Mass and be runnin’ it crazy to tha line, fo’ shiddly.

Come tha triple height pop ‘n’ piss, Tha Nando be on tha top step wit’ Sebby V and Tha Web close behind, but Marky Mark ain’t be happy cuz Tha C Horn gone tell he to let Tha V Man take tha two slot. That be some bad team morale shee-it goin’ down right there and lemme tell you right now, that don’t be the kind of shee-it that Crazy D would put up wit’.

Of course, if the issue was making an agreement to let Mika Hakkinen past then I would have been only too happy to comply with my team mate’s request.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary box with ma buddy Marty B. But hey, cool out B-man, tha D gonna say Heidfield the way he muthafunkin’ wanna. Fo’ shizz.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Barca side fo’ tha Spanish Gee to tha Pee and in tha three stage ultra fahrt ma buddy M Webb slam it on tha top line. Respec’. But come tha five red an’ dead, tha boy Sebby V, he be all up on Webbman’s shit and tha Nando, that cat be all sly on tha inside, takin’ it to tha one slot. Hot damn. But Nando and M Webb, they be all messed up on some bad strategy shee-it and Sebby V, he keep it smooth an’ low fo’ tha lead.

But ma boy Tha Ham, he ain’t goin’ down without no fight. He be on Sebby V like stink on a muthafunkin’ fox and my bro Jenny B got it locked down tight on tha three slot. When tha flags go up on tha spray ‘n’ smile, my homies from tha Mac be in tha house but they ain’t bringin’ down Tha V cuz that kid got it goin’ on right now.

And don’t forget that there will be full and exclusive coverage of the next race, live from Monaco, starting at 12:05pm on Sunday 29 May, only on BBC1.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave mixin’ up some phat commentary booth flavas with ma man Marty B. Respec’. So las’ weekend we slide on over Shanghai side fo’ tha Chinese Grand Prix and in tha one shot hot slot, ma boy Sebby V, he be all up on that mess and slam dunk it on tha pole with ma homies Da Ham and Jenny B on he ass behind. That’s some hot cool shit right there. Fo’ shizz.

Ain’t so gravy fo’ ma buddy M Web cuz that cat got some badass problems wit’ tha rubber and stuff. He be sittin’ on tha nine row and man, when that kinda shit goes down, a brother be thinkin’ that he be better off jus’ jumpin’ on tha G6 and headin’ outta there. But that ain’t tha way Tha Webman rolls, no way. Come tha five light red drop, that cat jus’ take it nice and slow and he work his way up tha field. Softly, softly, catchy that muthafunkin’ monkey, fo’ shanizz.

Tings ain’t so sweet fo’ Jenny B though cuz that brother, he take he eye off tha ball and be pullin’ into tha wrong box. Hot damn, that ain’t no thang you be catching Crazy D be doing, least not without askin’ first. Know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ shibblanizzabaliz.

Man, this be some mad ass racin’ right there and come tha three step fizz jizz it be Tha Ham that take tha one slot with Sebby V on he ass. But who dis be on tha three slot? It ma boy Marky Mark. Man that be some mature and consistent drivin’. Respec’. Yea, that be some race out there. Tha’s why they say, when a dude see tha Chinese Gee Pee, a hour later he wan’ another one. Badoom muthafuckin’ tish!

For more detailed analysis of every Formula 1 race, don’t forget to press the red button on your remote control to access the unique F1 Forum, only from the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary box fo’ 2011 wit’ ma bro Marty B. Fo’ shizz. So las’ week we slide on over upsidedown style fo’ tha Australian Gee tat ha Pee. Hot shee-it. That place be a long way from where Crazy D be from on tha mean streets of tha West Side. Yea, West Side Monte Carlo, know wha’am sayin’? But tha D, he don’ sweat it, y’all wanna know why? Cuz all that distance mean he be rackin’ up some sweet ass frequent flyer miles, fo’ sho’. Pretty soon, tha D gonna be bookin’ a short haul European flight, paying tha economy price, but he gonna be entitled to be usin’ tha business muthafuckin’ lounge. BOOM! Tha’s tha way D Man roll. Y’all get me?

So Sunday be comin’ around an’ when tha lights go out, ma buddy Sebby V, he be outta there wit’ his bad ass skillz. Now that be cool, but ma man Da Ham, he ain’t gonna put up wit’ that shee-it and he be workin’ it baby, keeping it smooth on tha two slot. Swee-eet. But what this be goin’ down fo’ tha third place? It be tha boy V Petty. Man, where’d that cat suddenly learn to do that? He keep it ice cool and bring it all home fo’ he’s first time on tha three step spray an’ wave. High five ma Ruskie bro. Peace.

And don’t forget to set an alarm this coming Sunday because coverage of the Malaysian Grand Prix starts at 8am sharp, only on the BBC.