Archive for the ‘Crazy Dave Coulthard’ Category

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha live on tha Bee Bee and tha muddyflickin’ Cee. So las’ weekend we be gansta trippin’ Espanol side fo’ that Spanish Gee Pee and man, you jus’ don’t know where the shit gonna land this season. Fo’ no clear front runnizzles. Yea.

So come tha x3 sprint, who this be slammin’ it but ma homie P Maldo. That kid be gettin’ some good results when he be on tha soft. Not something that Crazy D be familiar wit’, know wha’am sayin’? Ain’t no one gonna be stoppin’ him ‘cept ma buddy Da Ham who go stick on tha ones and then park it like it’s hot. Fo’ inadequate fuel strategizzle.

But tha race control, they ain’t down wit’ that shit and Da Ham, he be startin’ from tha back. That puts tha boy P Mal on tha ones and that be some good shit fo’ ma big daddy F Willy. Come tha five an’ out things ain’t so gravy cuz ma boy Nando be stickin’ it through and tha P Man be down to tha twos. Things be even worse fo’ ma homie Jenny B cuz he be spendin’ tha race chattin’ ‘bout tha understeer and oversteer. Fo’ unsatisfactorily balanced chassizzle.

Ma brother Da Ham be doin’ better though cuz he cut into tha field like tha seam on Crazy D’s tighty whitey jeans cut into he’s testiclizzles. Respec’. Now Frankie W’s boys, they be takin’ a chance on stoppin’ early and hot diggety damn, P Maldiddy be holdin’ it on tha ones. Come tha three step smile ‘n’ spurt that cat be on tha ones. Hot damn. Fo’ way to celebrate Frankie’s 70^th birthdizzle.

Obviously events were rather overshadowed by the subsequent fire in the Williams garage and my thoughts are with those who were injured as they showed great professionalism and bravery bringing the incident under control.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee with a bulging package. Of highlights. Oh yea. So las’ weekend we slide on over Bahrain side and man, it be hot. That be the white heat of no democrasizzle. Fo’ sho’. But hey, nuff o’ that shit. If Crazy D was gonna do politics, he be on Question Time. And that ain’t gonna happen cuz the whole audience jus’ be askin’ ‘Damn, why you look so good in dem tighty jeans?’ Fo’ almost see ma genitizzles.

So, on Sat’day in tha three stage drive ta survive, who be runnin’ it on tha one slot but my old buddy Sebby V. Man, an’ we thought we ain’t gonna see that cat again this season. An’ come tha Sunday five an’ out, that fingering muthaflumper be all up on that shit. Tings ain’t so sweet for ma McHomies Jenny B and Tha Ham. They be having some bad shit go down wit’ their rubber. It jus’ wear too fast. Yea, when Crazy D be wit’ a lady, he know that can be a problem too, know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ problems with tha balance of tha chassizzle.

So it ain’t goin’ on fo’ tha MC Larens, but who be these homies bustin’ they moves at tha pointy end? No shit, it be ma brother K Raikk and that l’il Swiss bitch RoGro. Hot damn! Tha Raikmeister be all up on Sebby V’s shit and that holey cheese cuckoo clock muthaflicker Gro Bro be slammin’ past tha others like Crazy D in a tighty jeans clearance sale. Fo’ impressive pacezzle.

Come tha steps ‘n’ spray, it be Tha V Man on tha ones wit’ Raikko and Le Gro on tha twos an’ threes. That be some mighty fine shit fo’ tha Lotus homies. Fo’ confusing sponsorship situatizzle.

And don’t forget that on 13 May we’ll be bringing you live coverage of the Spanish Grand Prix starting at 12:10pm, only on BBC One and BBC One HD.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha several hours after tha race and showin’ off his enormous package. Of highlights. Fo’ edittedizzle.

So, las’ weekend we slide on over Malay side fo’ tha Malaysian Gee to tha Pee and man, it be hot. It be the kinda conditions when Tha D be thankful fo’ tha awesome cooling power of tha tighty whitey jeans. Fo’ schweatytesticizzles.

So, in tha three stage fly by, ma boy Tha Ham be killin’ it on tha one slot wit’ ma homie J Bu slammin’ it on tha twos. That pretty-ass MC Laren be flyin’ out there. Tings ain’t so sweet fo’ ‘Rarri cuz that pullroddy piece o’ poo jus’ ain’t runnin’ right. Specially not wit’ tha no-mojo muthafunker Filly M at tha wheel.

See, we all be sayin’ that tha Prancin’ Ho’ be losin’ it, but come tha five red and dead, things ain’t be over till they be over. Man, suddenly it be wetter than a table o’ supermodels when they see Tha D bendin’ over in these jeans. Fo’ skintightizzle.

Ma race control bro Chaz ‘Ting, he be all like, this ain’t happnin’ and he stop tha race. But when that shit start up again who be that cat on tha ones? It be ma man Nando, and he be holdin’ on to that shit. But who this be all up on Tha Nando’s shit an’ ting? It be ma homie ‘Gio Prez an’ that little Mexican muthaflicker be drivin’ like a bad ass.

Come tha three step squirt ‘n’ smile, it be Nando on tha ones, Prezman on tha two and ma buddy Tha Ham on tha three slot. Fo’ grumpizzidy.

And do remember t that from the 13th to the 15th of April, the BBC will be broadcasting live from the Chinese Grand Prix with up to the minute coverage across the entire race weekend on BBC1 and BBC1 HD.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on yo TV, ‘bout six hours after tha actual race be finished. Fo’ cost effectividdy.

So this weekend we slide on over upside down side fo’ tha Australiaiaiaian G-to-tha-Pee and this be like tha first day back at school. ‘Cept tha D’s uniform these days be tha nice blue shirt and tha muthaflippin’ tighty whitey jeans. Fo’ ball huggizzle.

So come tha three stage ‘cation to tha nation, ma buddy Tha Ham be sticking it on tha one slot wit’ ma homie Jenny B wingmannin’ on tha twos. Man, those Macs be fast. It jus’ go to prove that old mo’spo’ sayin’, “If somethin’ look good, it prolly be muthafunkin’ fast and shit”. Yea.

Nuff respec’ fo’ ma amie Ro Gros who be slammin’ it on tha three slot. C’est muthafackin’ bon. Tings ain’t so gravy fo’ ma man Sebby V and ma local bro-cal, Webbo. Ain’t no lock out of tha front row fo’ the cats cuz they be hangin’ in tha row three, and ain’t cool fo’ ma brothers Nando an’ Filly M cuz they be so far back they can’t see tha Macs wit’out muthastumpin’ binoculars.

Come tha five an’ out, Jenny B, that cat be takin’ it and he be away on tha ones. Tha Ham, he ain’t havin’ such a good time, but Sebby V, he be all up on that shit and ting. Ro Gros drop it on tha two lap and ma homie Pasto Maldo, he be lookin’ sweet until tha las’ muthafrippin’ lap and then tha brother be kissin’ concrete. Fo’ unluckizzle.

Come tha three step spray ‘n’ wave, Jenny B be king o’ tha muthafunkin’ castle wit’ Tha V on tha twos and Da Ham, that cat don’ be happy cuz he only on tha threes. But it only be tha first race so don’ give it tha boo hoos bro. Fo’ psychologically fragizzle.

And don’t forget that there’s no need to get up early for the 2012 Petronas Malaysian Grand Prix next Sunday when you can enjoy a lovely lie in and then tune in to BBC1 and BBC1 HD at 2:45pm for a convenient and comprehensive highlights programme.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha fo’ tha new Formula 1 season, live on tha BBC. But only sometimes. Yea, we ain’t gonna bring it fo’ all tha races cuz budgets, they be like my white jeans – tight. Fo’ shizzidy. So befo’ we get started in Australiaiaiaia, here be Crazy D’s guide to tha shit that be goin’ on an’ shit. Yea.

Red Bull
These be tha cats to beat in tha big oh twelve season. They got ma bro Sebby V, and man that boy be good. Too good fo’ he’s team mate, my homie M Web. But that don’ matter cuz that cat only wanna be on tha podium so he get tha free orange juice. Yea. Course, these brothers ain’t nuthin’ without a sweet set of wheels, which is why they be hangin’ wit’ ma favourite muthaflickin’ Poindexter, Neweytron 5000. That damn geek, he come up wit’ a new car that be runnin’ tha stippy step nose an’ shit. Man, that be ugly. It also got some slot in tha nose that Nerdytron say be fo’ driver coolin’. That be bullshit. It look like it fo’ making muthashuppin’ toast. It look like shit but it gonna be quick. Fo’ champizzles.

McLaren
Hot damn, tha Mac be back and they be ‘bout tha only team that ain’t running with tha stippy step on that front. They be rollin’ the sweetest sweet ass ride on tha grid. Sweet. And they got two of tha fastest cats in tha ‘hood too. Ma homie Jenny B run it smooth and low las’ season, and it be good to see he concentratin’ more on drivin’ than on shavin’. It worked for Crazy D too. Kinda. J Bu’s wingman is ma buddy Tha Ham. Now he be one fast cat, but that muthafunker, he gotta get he’s head togetha. Snatch befo’ set-up ain’t cool bro. Fo’ scherzizzle.

Ferrari
These homies have had a whole off-season to think of excuses fo’ why they ain’t doin’ good, and in they spare time they also designed a car. From muthafunkin’ Lego! Let’s be hopin’ these brothers spend mo’ time racin’ and less time complainin’ this season cuz they got tha tools to get tha job done. They got ma main man Nando, an’ he’s job is to win races. Plus, they got ma boy Filly M, an’ he’s job is to crash into Tha Ham an’ make sure another driver don’ get tha second seat at Ferrari. Fo’ inadequatizzle.

Mercedes
Mercedes got a lotta things goin’ fo’ them, but mos’ of all they got tha guvnor, Rossy B. Now this be a cat that don’ like a shave. No sir. An’ Crazy D admire that, cuz tha D been there heself. It kinda liberating, and it give Ro Bra the extra time he save not shavin’ to spend mo’ time desiginin’. Boom! If he make a kick ass car, that gonna be good news for ma homie NiRo. Man, that kid’s drivin’ be almost as nice as he’s hair. Also, bein’ lowered gently into tha Mercedes, be ma brother Mickey Schu. Now tha’s a cat that jus’ won’ quit. Seven world muthafartin’ championships and he still tryin’. That be insane in tha brain. He shoulda followed tha Crazy D plan – no world championships, can’t get a seat, retire. Fo’ embarrassizzle.

Lotus
Man, there be too many Lotuses in tha F1 las’ year. But every ting gonna be alright, cuz now they jus’ be one, and it these cats what used to be Renault or some shit. Yea. They got tha stippy step nose and all tha chops, but tha main thang they got tha’s new is ma solid homie K Raik. Yea, that monosyllabic muthafunker be back! That be good news fo’ tha F1 cuz that homie can drive, and man, he don’ give a shit unless he be takin’ one. Know wha’am sayin’? Along wit’ Tha Raikkomaster, new Only Lotus be havin’ ma buddy RoGro. That be two comebacks in one team. Who they hirin’ next? Muthalumpin’ Elvis? Fo’ comebackspecizzle.

Force India
Crazy D love tha cool cats at Fo’ Cindia. Me especially love ma main man VJ Mal. He be tha dude, and boy he like two things. Cigars, and eatin’. I once saw he put sauce on a chair and then eat it. Fo’ sho. The other thing he like be F1 racin’ and that be fortunate cuz he own a muthaflickin’ team! Well, some of it. This year Crazy D be delighted to report, they be keepin’ ma so solid homie, P Diddy Resta. Och aye tha muthafuckin’ noo bro. They also running ma buddy Tha Hulk and he be good too. He jus’ need to be a bit mo’ Scotch. Fo’ bagpipperizzle.

Sauber
Kickin’ it old skool, P Saub by makin’ another sweet ass Swiss slaphead solo effort, wit’ tha engines from Fo’ Rari. Tha instruction manual be jus’ a list of excuses why it ain’t workin’ right. Fo’ joking! So fo’ tha big twenty twelve, Tha Saub be stickin’ wit’ ma homie Tha Bash. Man, that little Japanese cat, he love to overtake. And drive into shit. Bam! He sure got spirit. And sometimes, he steer like he been drinkin’ it. ‘Longside K-to-tha-K, they got ma hombre S P’rez. That dude be puttin’ in some solid performances. Fo’ dependabilitizzle.

Toro Rosso
These cats can fly but they ain’t always so hot. This year, they got tha stippy step, they got tha engine from Fezrizzle, but man I hope they ain’t hopin’ to keep they muthaflippin’ no claims bonus cuz they runnin’ wit’ two homies who ain’t got tha experience. An’ in F1, it all about tha experience, on and off tha track. Yea, tha ladeez know wha’am sayin’. Smooooth. So they got ma buddy D Ricci, and that kid jus’ gotta keep on keepin’ on. Then they got ma bro Jean E V, and he be pullin’ some sweet moves in tha F-to-tha-3, but he gotta make that stick now he rollin’ wit’ tha big boys. Fo’ inexperiencizzle.

Williams
Man, I love these homies like a brother from another mother, but they gotta get they shee-it together. And things ain’t lookin’ good when they lost F Willy and Tha Head from tha frontline, they disrespec’ ma brother Ru B and now they got Cough Xerox in charge. Oh maaaan. Still, they got ma boy Pasto Maldo. That cat gonna work hard. An’ they be runnin’ wit’ ma homie B Senn. He be cool, but if Crazy D had a dollar fo’ every time he be gonna compared to he uncle, man, Tha D be able to open another chain of hotels. Fo’ predictabizzle.

Caterham
What be goin’ on here? Did they build tha team from a box o’ parts in they garage? Ha! Crazy D make a funny. These cats was one of tha Lotuses but now they be not. They got ma homie M Gas runnin’ tha show, and he be a bad ass muthafunker, plus they got ma man Hei K on tha car, and he be a solid brother to have on yo side. One thang Tha D don’ understand is why that dude got tha Angry Birds on he helmet. What he gonna do? Fire he’s head at a muthaflunkin’ pig? In tha other car they got ma comrade Vitty P and he bring two things, talent and dollar. But a lot mo’ of one than tha other. Fo’ paydrivizzle.

HRT
Things ain’t goin’ so well fo’ these homies in tha off season, but they’s gonna show up anyway. They got ma man ‘Rain Kart in tha hot seat, at least until he find some other brother sittin’ in he’s chair again. Know wha’am sayin’? Then they be hirin’ ma bro P Delly Rosa. Yea, he back. Shows that jus’ cuz a driver be over 40, it don’t mean he can’t be in tha race. So don’ go losin’ Crazy D’s number y’all. Tha PDLR, he gonna be jus’ fine. Fo’ llinarivizzle.

Marussia
These cats used to be a Virgin and now some Russians make sure they ain’t. Trust me, that’s the kind of shit that can give yo hotel a bad name. So, they be havin’ some bad shit go down befo’ tha season start but they got ma Fozzie Bear voiced muthafunker P Symmy on speed dial and ma homie T Glozzle in tha car. They jus’ gotta watch out fo’ ma amie Chuck P in tha second car. That dude gonna have to learn fast. Fo’ backmarkizzle.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary box wit’ ma man Marty B fo’ tha las’ time. Yea, that’s right. The brother betrayed us. Fo’ shizz.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Brazil side for tha Brazilian Gee-ta-tha-Pee. Ay ay muthaflippin’ ay. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaa! He be tha muthafunkin’ world champion but ma boy Sebby V, he jus’ don’ quit and stick it on tha one slot as he always do. That kid, he think it be he’s reserved parkin’ slot! Yea, that’s right, Crazy D made a funny. Fo’ shnizzle.

Come tha five an’ out, tha V Man be jus’ drivin’ away wit’ ma man Marky Web on he’s tail. There be some cool shit goin’ on behind though cuz ma homie Nando be takin’ ma bro Jenny B on tha outside. That grumpy monobrow muthafunker be bendin’ tha laws o’ physics. Fo’ schnozzle.

Up front, thing’s ain’t be so sweet fo’ tha V Man cuz he have a ‘gearbox fault’. Yea, like when Crazy D tell a lady that he be ‘busy tonight’ but it really be cuz he be takin’ another chick out that night, know wha’am sayin’? Hey, gotta share the D Man around. Fo’ schnitzel.

So Marky Mark slide on by and come tha three step spurt ‘n’ squirt it be Tha Web on top wit’ Sebby B and Jenny B on tha twos an’ threes. Respec’ homies. And that be tha 2011 season. Peace out people. Crazy D, done.

Although don’t forget that the BBC will be covering all of the races in the 2012 season and 10 of them will be live including the British Grand Prix from Silverstone. I hope you can join Jake Humphrey, Lee McKenzie and me for all the F1 action next year.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from the commentary booth. Wait, where are tha muthaflumpin’ windows? Maaan, it be dark in here.

So las’ weekend we slide on over India side fo’ tha first evah Indian Gee-to-tha-muthaflippin’-Pee. It be hot, it be dusty, there be a risk that a bro’s gonna eat somet’ing that ain’t good and he gonna shit he pants. But is any o’ these things gonna stop Crazy D rockin’ tha tighty whitey jeans? Two words fo’ y’all: No. Way. Two other words fo’ y’all: Scotch. Guard. Fo’ shiggedy.

So, out on tha track in tha qualificazzizzle, tha boy Sebby V jus’ slide it on in tha one slot. Man, that kid jus’ don’ quit. He wanna get he’s finger up at every oppo-muthafrizzing-tunity. Kinda reminds Crazy D of Crazy D heself when he be younger. But not on tha track. Know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ shimminy.

So come tha five-an’-out, Tha V Man by disappearin’ over tha horizon before them other cats know what be happ’nin’. That kid be cray-zee fo’ tha points! Meanwhile, there be some bad shit goin’ down in tha followin’ pack cuz ma buddy Tha Ham be havin’ another muthafizzin’ accident wit’ tha boy Filly M. What be wrong with them cats? They be touchin’ more than a bunch o’ lay-deez when Crazy D walk onto tha yacht. What make it worse, the stewards then go and lay some penalty shit on Tha Mass Man. Why they go pick on a homie like that? Tha boy can’t bearly remember to press the muthafunkin’ accelerator sometimes and then they make he do a drive through? It be like beating up tha special needs kid at school. Fo’ shillalah.

When tha tablecloth be waved, Sebby V be on tha one again with ma homeboy Jenny B on tha twos and Nando holding tha three slot. That be cool fo’ them cats, but maaan, ma boys Tha Ham and Filly M gotta sort their shit out, and soon. Know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ shippingforecast.

Meanwhile, the championship may be decided but there are still two very exciting races to come in this remarkable 2011 season and you’ll be able to catch them both in high definition, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave spittin’ some mad ass commentating flavas from tha booth wit’ Marty B. Hot diggety. So las’ weekend we slide on over Far East side fo’ tha Japanese Grand Prix and this be some exciting shit fo’ ma buddy Sebby V cuz he need jus’ one point to seal the muthafunkin’ deal on another driver’s championshizzle. Mo’ figgity.

The only cat tha’s gonna stop that goin’ down is ma boy J Butt and that brother got some bad ass statistical improbability workin’ against him. Sho’ enough, Tha V Man stick it on tha one slot fo’ tha five an’ out but then durin’ tha race he be havin’ some bad shit goin’ down wit’ tha rubber. That don’ be a problem for Crazy D cuz he be prepared when he be wit’ a laydee. Know wha’am sayin’? Bo’ shizzididdy.

While ma boy Da Ham be tusslin’ again wit’ tha pussy ass order follower Filly M, Tha Butt Master be pullin’ some smooth moves to keep it one side and come tha three step fizz ‘n’ flash he be takin’ tha tall trophy. But that ain’t enough to deny Sebby V he’s second muthaflippety driver’s title. Nuff respec’ to tha V Man, cuz that be some good drivin’ throughout tha year an’ shit. Go’ biggedizzizle.

However, there are still four races to go in this season and there’s still plenty of exciting racing yet to come in 2011 which you’ll be able to watch live, only on the BBC.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary box, spittin’ out some sweet rhymes and some phat analysis. Fo’ shizz.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Singapo’ side fo’ tha muthafunkin’ Gee Pee of tha night. That be some heavily lit shit right there. My boy Sebby V, he gotta a chance of winnin’ the whole muthaflippin’ world championship there. He just need certain other things to happen but Crazy D ain’t gonna get bogged down in all that math. All y’all need to know is that some shit be goin’ down. Fo’ shizzam.

Tha V, he stick on tha one slot, same as usual, wit’ ma buddy M Web on tha two. Come tha five and out, Sebby V, he be movin’ faster than Crazy D’s tighty whitey jeans across a discotheque. But tings ain’t so good fo’ Tha Web man cuz he make another “special start”. Come on brother, learn how to use a muthafunkin’ clutch. Fo’ shizzizzidy.

So cuz M Web be slow off the line, ma boy Jenny B be rollin’ in tha two hole, and ma main man Da Ham be layin’ down some serious pace in tha field. But then some bad shit go down, cuz Da Ham be smackin’ into ma homie Filly M and bustin’ up theys rides. Man, that Filly kid, he gotta speed up or get tha funk out. He a worse lame ass seat blocker than Crazy D in he McLaren days. Fo’ shizzazzitwazzle.

Come tha three step spray ‘n’ smile, Sebby V be on tha one slot but wit’ Jenny B and M Web on tha twos an’ threes, and wit’ Tha Nando takin’ tha fo’, Tha V ain’t tha Wo’ Cham’ yet. Cuz in this muthaforkin’ season, it ain’t over until Crazy D say it be. Fo’ shizzigizzywiddle.

And remember that you can access more post-race analysis and exclusive interviews with team bosses and drivers by pressing the red button on your remote.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from tha commentary box, spittin’ some phat analytical flavas wit’ ma buddy Marty B. Fo’ shizz.

So this weekend we be flyin’ away fo’ tha Singapore Gee to tha Pee and that mean tha D Man, he gonna need some new muthafunkin’ trousers fo’ tha extreme conditions. It gonna be hot, it gonna be sticky, and I ain’t be talkin’ ‘bout tha ladeez when Crazy D walk in tha room. Know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ shizziddy.

Also, tha Singapore smackdown, it be at night and that mean visibility be an issue. A brother gotta make sure his trews ain’t gonna disappear after the muthaflippin’ sun be goin’ down. Y’all get me? What tha D be sayin’ here is, this ain’t no case of runnin’ into Marks & ma main man Spencer an’ jus’ grabbin’ tha first pair of strides y’all find. This gonna need some bad ass searchin’ and some muthafartin’ tryin’ on. Fo’ shizzibidibidi.

Tha’s why this week, Tha D, he be all over that shee-it and he be getting’ his mo’foin’ ass down to tha Westfield shopping centre. Yea. He be all over that shit like a muthafrappin’ Scotch rash, pullin’ those trousers off they rack and takin’ them to tha changin’ rooms to get up close and muthafrackin’ personal. Fo’ shizziggetywizz.

Firs’ pair, they be too loose. Secon’ pair, they be tha wrong colour. But the third pair, shazzam! That be a muthafrizzle sartorial slam dunk right there.

They tight. They white. They jus’ right. Fo’ shizzibazigettywizzle.

And don’t forget to tune in to Sunday’s race, from 1pm only on the BBC.