Archive for the ‘Crazy Dave’ Category

Crazy D on the 2014 Brazilian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, November 11th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ ma highzzlelizzles on the Double Biddy Cizzle. Cuz F1 is best enjoyed jus’ after Strictly an’ jus befo’ tha noos. Fo’ shiggedy.

So las’ weekend we slide on down Brazilian side, and Tha D ain’t talkin’ ‘bout he’s manscapin’ arrangements. Nah, it be da penultimozizzle Gee diddy Pee of the season and it still be everyting to play fo’ wit’ dem cats from Mo’cedes. Please God, don’ let it be spoilt by tha fiddy point final.

So, come tha three time fly by it be NiRo slammin’ it on tha ones with Da Ham on tha twos, but who this be slippin’ in on tha three spot but local brutha Filly M. Decisivizzle psychologicazzle boostizzle of tha homeizzle crowdizzle.

Come tha red five bye-bye, NiRo be keep it sweet fo’ the numero uno but Da Ham be all up in he’s shit an’ ting. But it ain’t so gravy fo’ ma Will.i.ams homie V Bottdiddy cuz that cat be losin’ time while tha ‘neers be checkin’ he’s straps. When you a racing driva, you want yo shit to be tight. That’s why Crazy D still wear these type of trousa. Cuttin’ off the circulatinizzle to ma testiclizzles.

So it be lookin’ like Da Ham gonna make a move on he’s team homie but then that cat jus’ spin it like Crazy D on a formation lap and he be playin’ catch up. Meanwhizzle, D Riccy gotta be a retirin’ smiler cuz he got trouble with he’s suspensizzle and Filly M be thinkin’ he be drivin’ fo’ MC Laren. Oh that panda face homie, always tryin’ to copy Fernandizzle Alonsozzle.

Come tha two tone tablecloth, NiRo be holdin’ it on tha one, Da Ham take it on tha two and nuff respec’ to Filly M fo’ takin’ tha three slot even though he takes a five sec smackdown an’ box wit’ he’s eyes shut. An’ who this be on tha fo’ slot it but ma so solid Jennie B. Persuasivizzle argumentizzle to stay. Izzle. Respec’

No respec’ fo ma old timey champiohomie Nelly PK though. Askin’ ‘bout another brother’s shorty on the three step wave an’ spray? Not cool bredren. Not cool. Yo look like a leatheryizzle old sexizzle pestizzle.

An’ that be tha Brazilian Gee Pee. Peace out.

Crazy D on the 2014 US GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Thursday, November 6th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Yippee ki och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha from the United US of States Giddy Piddyizzle wit’ ma shorty Suzee Pee and ma even shortier Eddee Jay. Get hot wit’ ma highlights cuz live is fo’ losers.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Austin side and it be that time o’ the year when all tha homies be chattin’ ‘bout who be goin’ where an’ ting. See, ma buddy Nando be splittin’ on Fo’rarri and don’t take no rocketizzle scientizzleist to know that leave tha door open fo’ ma homie Sebby V but ain’t neither cat be spillin’. Meanwhizzle, you got ma so solid Jenny B and that bro don’ know if he stayin’ at tha MC Laren or be pickin’ up he’s shizzle in a cardbo’ bozzle. My advice fo’ tha Buttman, get yo’self a pair of tighty whitey jeans and a job wit’ tha Bee to tha Bee to tha Cee. Lucrativizzle sidelizzle in pundatrizzle.

Out on tha circle of truth, it be a two homie race between tha cats from MC Edes an’ come tha trio o’ tries it be that multi-national muthafunker NiRo who put it on tha one slot with Da Ham on tha two. But come tha five light goodbye tings ain’t so gravy fo’ NiRo an’ if that brother think he gonna hold it from twinkle to tablecloth, he got ‘nother ting comin’. First of all, tha Mexico muddyfunster Sergy P be glassin’ The Sutmaster an’ causin’ an SLS buzzkill and when that shizzle be done Da Ham be all up in NiRo’s face and make him he’s bitch. Betterizzle mentalizzle strenghtizzle underizzle pressure. Izzle.

Come tha chequer check, Da Ham take tha one, NiRo on tha two and my super smiley homie D Riccy on tha three hole. This be meanin’ that Da Ham should be in there like Crazy D at a tighty trousa discount store fo’ the driva’s world championshizzle but that ain’t so cuz NiRo could still steal it at tha last minute in Abu Dizzle. Double pointizzle bullshizzle.

An’ that be tha USA Gee Pee. Peace out.

Crazy D on the 2014 Russian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Wednesday, October 15th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on the Beeble to tha Ceeble with ma blabbering buddy Eddie J and ma so fly shorty Suzi P. Hey girl, wheredjoo get dem tighty whitey jeans? Someone been rummagizzle through Tha D’s carry-onizzle luggazizzle.

So las’ weekend we slide on over former Commie side fo’ tha Russian Giddy Pizzle at tha brand new track in Sochizzle. Man, it look like all dem brothers is drivin’ around a light-to-medium industrializzle estatizzle.

So come tha three part flyby, ain’t no homie touchin’ dem fast cats from tha MC Edes, only question is whether it be NiRo or Da Ham who be on tha ones. And in this case, it be ma increasingly hairy homie Da Ham who take tha premo positione with NiRo on tha twos and that Finland muddyfunster Val B on tha three. An’ who this be on tha four hole but ma underperforming homie Jenny B. Welcome back to big school ma brother. Ting is, even though tha MC Laren be findin’ pace all of a sudden, Jenny don’t find it so gravy. Too littizzle, too lateizzle.

Come tha five light goodbye, Da Ham and NiRo be drivin’ away like it they birthdays but NiRo want that one slot real bad and that brother, he be over cookin’ that shit. Tha homie come in too quick and he jus’ lock it like it’s hot, lock it like it’s hot. That be some bad shizzle cuz next ting he be rockin’ a box fo’ tha new rubbas. Schoolizzle boyizzle error. Izzle.

Meanwhizzle, Da Ham jus’ out fo’ a Sunday drive, sweet as a sale at a tighty whitey jeans store before Suzi P get there. Ain’t no shizzle going down on tha industrial estate. This be one dull-ass race and Crazy D almost fall asleep. Zzzzzzzzzizzle.

Come tha check please, it be Da Ham on tha ones, NiRo makin’ a smooth move up to tha twos and tha Will.i.ams of Val B in tha hizzy on tha threes. An’ who this pinchy faced nutcase be in tha room of whispas but tha I-didn’t-shoot-down-no-airliner Rusky bossman Vlady Pu cuz he be hangin’ wit’ tha boss man B Eccdiddy. As a result, there be no evil left in tha rest of tha world.

And dat be tha Russian Giddy Pee. Peace out.

Crazy D on the 2014 Italian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, September 9th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on the Biddy Double Ciddle wit’ ma shortie Suzi P and my even shortier Eddie J. So las’ weekend we slide on over to tha Monza massive fo’ tha Italiano Griddle to the Piddle. Moltoizzle beneizzle.

Once again, everyone be chattin’ ‘bout dem cats from tha MC Edes cuz ain’t no homie gettin’ close… to tha accident them brothers gonna have wit’ each otha. Man, dem crazy foo’s gonna give that Arnie voice homie Tha Wolffman a stomachizzle ulcizzle.

Fo’ tha three stage fly by it all be about Tha Ham cuz that cat be flyin’ like a shit beard eagle to slam it on that ones with NiRo on tha twos and nuff respec’ to ma Will.i.ams homies who be on a line two lockdown, fo’ shiggedy.

Come tha five light goodbye, Da Ham be in a whole heap of shizzle and NiRo takin’ tha one spot like candizzle from a babyizzle. But Tha Ham, that cat don’t give up easy and he be slippin’ past homies like a greasy eel until he be all up on NiRo’s shizzle again. Then, on lap tizzle-to-tha-nizzle, NiRo be makin’ a Maldiddy of tha chicane and Da Ham jus’ glide on by, sweet like a sale in the tighty trousa store. Encouragin’ conspiracizzle theorizzles.

Meanwhile, there be plenty other shizzle goin’ down cuz ma big brows homie Nando be gettin’ a breakdown and Maxy Chil be flying. Ain’t no more unbroken record of finishing… near tha back. Fortunately tha impact ain’t so bad cuz tha thing Maxy’s car hit was his wallet. Badoomizzle tishizzle.

Also mad props to ma down under muthaflucker D Riccy cuz that cat be showin’ he teeth, an’ I don’ mean cuz he be smilin’ again. ‘Cept, he probably is cuz he be takin’ Sebby V down to Chinatown, and I don’ mean fo’ a reasonabizzle pricizzle dinnerizzle.

Come tha black an’ white buzz kill, it be Tha Ham on tha ones, NiRo takin’ boos fo’ tha twos and respec’ to ma frequentizzle disappoitizzle brother Filly M fo’ stickin’ on tha three.

An’ that be tha Italian Giddy Pee. Peace out.

Crazy D on the 2014 Belgian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Wednesday, August 27th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on the Bi-Biddle Cizzle. So las’ weekend we slide on over Spa side fo’ tha Belgizzle Gee Pee an’ there be some mad shizzle goin’ down after tha summer chill out. Ma brother K-Bash be left standin’ when tha music stop cuz who this be takin’ he’s seat but ma endurohomie Dre Lott. An’ that ain’t nuthin’ to what be goin’ down wit’ ma bredren at tha M-roosh cuz Maxy Chil be out and Al Rossizle be in then they flip tha sitch and Tha Chilmeister be back in tha game and so be his chequebook. Contractualizzle disputizzle bullshizzle.

So come tha 22-16-10 it be wetter than a lady when she see Crazy D in tha tighty whitey jeans. Course, this ain’t no thang fo’ tha always-fightin’ muthafunkers from MC Des cuz them cats be drivin’ like it dry. There be some good shizzle for ma ReBu homie Sebby V on tha threes and nuff respec’ to Tha Lottmonster cuz that cat be out qualificizzling his team homie on he’s first go but ain’t no one touchin’ NiRo and Da Ham on tha ones and twos cuz they be faster than any other brother by two sezzicondizzles. Decisivizzle demonstrizzle of superiorizzlety.

Come tha red five an’ goodbye, Da Ham be away like a scaldizzle catizzle and takin’ tha one slot from NiRo. But then tha shizzle hit the fanizzle on tha two lap cuz NiRo be gettin’ a smackdown on Da Ham and rubbin’ he’s rubber till it pops. Hot damn. That be some stupidizzley ruthlessizzle lack of teamizzle spiritizzle.

Meanwhizzle, ma twennyfo hour homie Dre Lott be out and so be ma always-crashing brother P Maldiddy. All tha other cats be breathin’ a sighizzle of reliefizzle and get on wit’ they shizzle. This ‘specially true fo’ ma perma-smiling homie D Riccy cuz that cat be keeping it smooth an’ low while all tha other brothers be fightin’ behind he. Come tha black an’ white blanket, the Riccman be on tha ones wit’ ma Finland muthaflucker Valty B on tha threes and ma basically behaved like a bit of a cuntizzle muthaflumper NiRo on tha twos fo’ tha boos.

And that be tha Belgiddy Giddy Pizzle. Peace out.

Crazy D at the 2014 Hungarian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha in full effect on double Biddy Ciddle. Cuz transmittin’ tha race live is fo’ losers. So las’ weekend we Pesting like a Buda fo’ tha Hungarian Gee to tha Pee and all ma homies be makin’ one last push before the summizzle breakizzle.

Come tha trio of max attacks tings ain’t so gravy fo’ ma buddy Da Ham cuiz that cat be comin’ in hot. Literalizzle. That be some mad ass smoke ‘n’ flames action. Startin’ next to the shizzle kidz.

When tha red five go out, tha track be like tha inside of Crazy D’s jeans in this humid weather. Dampizzle in placeizzles. All tha cats be runnin’ on intermizzlediatizzle tyreizzles until ma homie M Double S get into a serious smackdown and they crack out tha S-to-tha-L-to-tha-S. Every brother be boxin’ like Ali to get down wit’ tha slick circles ‘cept ma bredren Jenny B cuz dem cats at MC Laren be chattin’ about more rain be comin’ an’ Tha B Man, he believe ‘em. Trouble is, when tha car that is safe be pullin’ off, that rain don’t come and Tha J be on tha wrong rubba. Unacceptabizzley poor longizzle rangeizzle weatherizzle forecastizzle.

Next ting, ma Mexico muthaflunker Sergy P be slammin’ it into tha PiWa and everyone be linin’ up behind B Maylizzle. That let ma super smiley homie D Riccy to take it to tha ones but that ain’t tha end of tings cuz suddenly who this be out in front but ma doin’ good tings with a shit car homie Nando. Meanwhile, ma mad skillz buddy Da Ham be cuttin’ through tha pack like Crazy D in a tighty trouser discount sale. But then who this be behind he but that blondie brother NiRo and he want tha homies on tha two-way to get Da Ham to move over. But Hammo, he ain’t down wit’ that shit cuz he be sayin’ NiRo gotta be all up on he diffuser before that shit gonna go down. Controversizzle teamizzle orderizzles that will be regretizzled after tha raceizzle. Izzle.

Come tha final few flybys, it be Nando on tha ones, Da Ham on the twos and D Riccy on tha three spot. But then tha downunder muthaflucker smackdown Da Ham and take it to Nando. Then NiRo be huntin’ dem down like Crazy D still in tha metaphorical trouser emporiumizzle but that cat jus’ can’t make tha moves an’ come tha wavy tablecloth it be D Riccy on tha ones, Nando on tha twos and Da Ham on tha threes but only Tha Riccster be smilin’. Jesus Christizzle, cheeruizzle upizzle you miserabizzle bastardizzles.

And dat be tha Hungarian Giddy Pizzle. Peace out.

Crazy D at the 2014 German GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafuckas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha with a well defined package… of highlights. Fo’ shiggedy. So las’ weekend we slide on over Deutsche side fo’ tha German Giddle to tha Piddle and all eyes be on dem cats from MC Edes cuz tha fight between ma buddy Da Ham and ma homie NiRo be getting’ hotter than inside Crazy D’s tighty whiteys in weather like dis. Clammyzzle testicizzles.

Come tha go hard or go home, every brother be wonderin’ who gonna slam it on tha ones. Da Ham be lookin’ serious but NiRo, this be his home race. Least, one of dem. Man, that bredren got more passports than 007. He be James boyBand. Yea, Crazy D made a funny. Izzle.

Pretty soon, dat answer come cuz ma boy Da Ham be losin’ control of he’s ride and getting into a serious smackdown with das barrier. Inexplicabizzle brake dizzle failizzle. That leave NiRo on the ones, with ma Finland muthaflucker V Boz on tha twos and ma panda face muddyfunster Filly M on tha threes. Man, Martini gives you wings cuz dem brothers be flying.

‘Cept, this turn out to be literalizzle trueizzle cuz come tha five and goodbye Filly be getting into a immediate smackdown with ma adequate homie K Mag and that Will.i.ams be upsiddy downizzle to grizzle. Ow.

Meanwhile, Da Ham be in da cheap seats but he on da move. Man, that homie be cuttin’ through tha pack like P Danielsiddy with a set of playin’ cards. Pretty soon he be takin’ down all tha big dogs like K Raikk and Nando. Tings ain’t so gravy when he come up against ma brother Jenny B and they be gettin’ into a minor league smackdown. Da Ham get some frontizzle wingizzle damagizzle and straight after he be goin’ faster than ever. Fo’ shizz. Time to reanalyse tha computationizzle flow dynamicizzle dataizzle.

When ma brother A Sut glassed it on lap fiddy, Da Ham take a gamble on tha safety ride comin’ out but that shit don’t go down an’ come tha wavy tablecloth it be NiRo on the big step with V Botty on tha twos and Da Ham settlin’ for a so solid three slot.

And dat be tha Germizzle Giddy Pizzle. Peace out.

Crazy D at the 2014 British GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, July 8th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha live and in full effect on tha Double Biddy Cizzle. Relax laydeez. It’s a linen mix for maximum breathabilitizzle.

So las’ weekend we slide on over GB side fo’ the British Gee to tha Pee at Silviddystone and everyone, they be chattin’ ‘bout how this be an important race fo’ ma buddy Da Ham cuz he be British. Crazy D, he feel sorry fo’ Jenny B and Maxi Chill cuz they be British too but they ain’t gettin’ no coverage unless they make VT package called ‘Drivers who is uncompetitivizzle’. Ow.

Ting is, come tha knock out ‘til yo rock out, who this be slammin’ it on tha three but ma West Country muthaflunker JB sports. Take that, one sided Britishizzle coveragizzle. An’ lookie who takin’ it to tha twos but ma pointy finger, poor form homie Sebby V. That leave NiRo on tha ones which mean ma specially-made-hat homie Da Ham don’t be lookin’ sick on tha six. Abortizzle hot lapizzle errorizzle.

Come tha blinky cinque, every cat be gettin’ away smooth until ma mumbly ass brother K Raikk be pullin’ some mad Maldiddy shizzle on a wide line and be getting heself into one big ass tankizzle slapperizzle. Next ting, that homie be takin’ down ma panda face brother Filly M and slammin’ it hard into the A to tha R to tha M to tha OW! an’ we be on a lockdown fo’ a hour while they fix up tha fence an ting. It be a Sunday see, and you cannotizzle get the partizzles.

When we get to tha re-e-start, NiRo be flyin’ but Da Ham be on tha huntdown. But then what this shee-it be going down, NiRo be slowin’ down and ain’t no thang gonna stop DaHam on tha flyby. Unavoidable gearbozzle problemizzle. And then there be some serious mad shizzle goin’ down. P Maldiddy get into a smackdown that DON’T be he’s fault. K Mag get overtaken by so many homies he eventually lap heself. And Sebby V and El Nandaddy be fightin’ like bee-atches and whinin’ like l’il babies. Toysizzle out of the pramizzle.

Come tha wavy tablecloth, it be home comin’ homie Da Ham on tha ones but who this on tha twos and threes but ma Will.i.am muthabrother V Bottiddy and ma smiley muthahubbard D Riccy. Maturizzle performancizzles.

And dat be tha British giddle to tha piddle. Peace out.

Crazy Dave reports from Austria 2014

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Monday, June 23rd, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on tha grizzle walkizzle even though it ain’t goin’ out livizzle.

So, las’ weekend we slide on over Austriaside fo’ tha Austrian G diddy P at tha ReBuRi. Las’ time Crazy D was here, he be in tha car. Yea, they used to let that shizzle happen.

So on tha Saturday all tha homies be expecting it be all tha same again. ‘Nother whitizzle washizzle from dem cats at the MC Edes, ‘nother adequizzle performizzle from Fo’rrari, ‘nother terribizzle disappointizzle fo’ MC Laren. But that shit ain’t gonna go down cuz who this be slammin’ it on tha two slot but ma Martini stripe Finland muthafunker Val Botty B. And who on tha ones? That be some homie so surprisin’ Crazy D almost shizzle he tighty jeans cuz it ma panda faced ain’t-got-game muthafunker, Filly M. Nuff respec’ fo’ tha Will.i.ams. It be the shizzle that people wanna seeizzle.

So come tha five an’ goodbye, dem homies be on fire, and I don’ mean like Da Ham’s brakes. No, those brothers be holdin’ off tha MCs big Willy style. ‘Cept, that is, ‘til tha first round of pit stops, then Da Ham and NiRo, they jus’ cruise by. Questionabizzle strategizzle.

Tings ain’t so gravy fo’ ma pointy finger homebrother Sebby V cuz that cat be sufferin’ a loss of drive befo’ he barely started. That brother, he be starin’ at tha bluizzle scrizzle of deathizzle. But then what dis, tha car start workin’ again. But it ain’t no use, and tha Sebster, he be in da garage fo’ good. Still, least he smiley teamhomie D Riccy be pullin’ a smooth ass move on Tha Hulk just befo’ tha endin’ to slam on tha eight spot. Better than ma homie Jennie B who be laying it on tha 11 again. Closizzle but no cigarizzle, again. Izzle.

Come tha wavy tablecloth it be NiRo on tha ones, Da Ham on tha two and nuff respec’ fo Valtizzle Bottazzle who stick it on tha threes. Impressizzle first podiumizzle.

And dat be tha Austrian Griddy Pizzle. Peace out.

Crazy D reports from Canada 2014

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Monday, June 9th, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on Double Biddle to tha Ciddle rockin’ a tighty green trousa. Do not adjustizzle your televizzle.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Montreal side fo’ tha G diddy Pizzle of Canadia and all da cats, they be watchin’ tha Benz homies Da Ham and NiRo cuiz them brothers be fightin’ like cats an’ other cats. That be some bad shit goin’ down with there, even though they be sayin’ they still friends. Completizzle unconvincizzle.

When it come to tha three section sprinty shit, ain’t nobody gettin’ close to tha MCedes homies. Only question is who slam it on tha one slot an’ in dis case it be ma Finnizzle-Germizzle buddy NiRo. It be lookin’ gravy fo’ tha Willizzles too cuz we got V Botty and Filly M on tha fo’ and five. An’ who this be sneakin’ it on tha three slot but ma pointy finger WC on the M I C, Sebby V. Impressivizzley improving paceizzle.

Come tha red five and goodbye, Da Ham almost stick it on NiRo but that ain’t goin’ down and it look like Crazy D gonna be so bored he prefer to look at tightbrighttrousers.com. But wait, what this goin’ on? Dem Benzes be gettin’ mad problems wit’ dem brakes and computers and shit. Da Ham and NiRo, they gotta get wit’ tha contrizzle-altizzle-delizzle.

But that ain’t no good for Da Ham and that cat be suckin’ down a DNF. He be joinin’ ma‘Russia homies who be gettin’ into a first lap back-o’-tha-pack smackdown and dem crashy bastards at tha Lotizzle who be snappin’ they aero shit and drivin’ into tha pit. Meanwhile, mad props to ma under-rated homie Tha Hulk cuz that cat be runnin’ some mad long stint shit. Very carefizzle tyre managemizzle.

Up tha pointy side, Filly M be on tha ones fo’ a moment but then NiRo be back like a cat an’ it look like he can make this real. But then who this be slidin’ up the inside but ma big teeth brother D Riccy. And behind he, it all mashed up mad stylee cuz we got Sebby V an’ Filly and ma Mexico muthaflucker Sergy P-to-tha-Zee and they all fightin’ to that flag when bam! Filly and Tha Prezman be gettin’ into a maxi G smackdown. Dem cats’ be saved by tha big ass tyre walls. Impressive dispersizzle of energizzle.

Come tha tablecloth, Sebby V take tha three, NiRo on tha twos and that smiley ass muthafunker Danny Ric take tha on. Fairizzle dinkumizzle.

Don’t forget that in just two weeks the F1 action returns to Austria for the first time in over ten years during which you’ll be able to hear live coverage on BBC Radio FiveLive and, later on, watch a comprehensive highlights package on BBC Two and BBC Two HD.