Archive for the ‘Crazy Dave’ Category

Crazy Dave in China 2014

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Monday, April 21st, 2014

CrazyDave2014Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on Bee to tha Bee to tha ciddy ciddy Cee wit’ a tight package. Of highlights. Yea.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Shanghai side fo’ tha Chinese Giddy Pizzle and man, in tha three stage in it to win it, there ain’t no cats gonna touch ma pole hoggin’ homie Da Ham. But who this be slammin’ it in tha two slot but ma always smilin’ so solid D Riccy and right behind him be ma WC MC, Sebby V. Man, dem ReBu cats be up the pointy end already. Rapidly increasizzle paceizzle.

Come tha red-red-red-red-red-an-oot, ma Pussycat pokin’ homie Da Ham be drivin’ away like it he’s birthday. Only one gonna touch he is tha famous dad muthafunster NiRo and he be slidin’ back like a bee-atch from tha get go. Tings ain’t so gravy fo’ ma underperformin’ brother Filly M neither cuz that cat be gettin’ into a first corner smackdown with he’s old faster-than-y’all homie Nando. Avoidabizzle contactizzle.

Dems ReBu boys ain’t havin’ no holiday neither cuz D Ricc be all over ma homie Sebby V fo’ another race in a row and Tha V Man, he ain’t lovin’ that shit, no sir. An’ tings we get worse when he’s race homie be layin’ some Smedley shee-it on he and Tha V, he get real mad. Toughizzle luckizzle.

Also be havin’ no fun in tha pollution obscured sun be ma glass throwin’ brother A Sut who be pullin’ out real fast and ma McHomies K Mag and Jenny B cuz they so off tha pace they be competin’ in las’ season. Ron Dennizzle disappointmizzle.

Come tha three step spray an’ chat it be Tha Ham on tha one step, NiRo on tha two and that Fo’rrari muddyfunker Nando on tha three. Solid first result fo’ Marcizzle Mattiaccizzle.

Don’t forget to join us in three weeks’ time when the action moves to Europe and the Spanish Grand Prix, live on BBC1, on BBC 5Live and on the red button.

Crazy Dave Coulthard in Bahrain 2014

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, April 8th, 2014

CrazyD14Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha in full effect fo’ tha oh-fo’teen season. Quieter, mo’ turbocharged, and even tighter in tha trousah. Almost no blood gettin’ to ma testizzles.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Middle Eastside fo’ tha Bahrain Gee-diddy-Pee and this year they gonna make tha shizzle get real after sundown. Man, that be a lot of light bulbs. Hope they get a discount at Homebizzle.

Come tha triple Q, ain’t no homie touchin’ dem cats from Mo’cedes. ‘Cept who this be sneakin’ it in on tha three slot but ma perma smilin’ buddy D Ric. That shrimp-on-tha-barbie brother be makin’ tha ReBu fly but ain’t no thang cuz he gotta take tha ten sec smackdown. Fuel flow meter controvercizzle.

So, when tha five and out be goin’ down, ma homies Da Ham and NiRo be drivin’ away like it they birthdays. Tings ain’t so sweet fo’ ma so solids at M C Laren cuz K Mag go down and later Jenny B be makin’ like Brucie and retirin’, and dem Fo’rarris be in reverse. Not literally, Crazy D use a metaphizzle.

An’ then ma buddy Este B Gut be mindin’ he’s own comin’ out tha box pipe when he get slammed by ma inconsistent homie P Maldiddy. Next ting y’all know, tha Gutman be mad flippin’ and tha P, he be given tha sto-go cuz he be outta line. Absolutizzle mentizzle.

Las’ few laps, it get so mad Crazy D think he gonna need to dry clean he tighty whitey jeans. We got D Ric showin’ he moves, and tha Will.i.ams be lookin’ fine and up tha pointy side we got some badass Ham on Berg action all tha way to tha table cloth.

When it all spool down, it be Da Ham on tha ones with NiRo on tha two and ma Mexico muthafunker Sergi P bringing it home in tha three. That be some hot desertizzle actionizzle. Please do remember to join us again in two weeks for full coverage of the Chinese Grand Prix on Radio 5Live and a complete highlights package on BBC TV.

Crazy Dave reports from Japan 2013

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Monday, October 14th, 2013

crazyd-799988Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha by hangin’ awkwardly around nearby until your PR man say it be okay to be chattin’. Uncomfortable gridwizzle walkizzle. Hot dang!

So las’ weekend we slide on over J-side fo’ tha Japanese Gee diddy Pee, an’ after las’ week in tha K-rock what be all these homies be doin’ in tha banked seatin’ watchin’ tha racin’ an’ ting? Oh yea, they be called ‘crowds’. No substitute for actual national racingizzle heritizzle. Hot sauce!

So come tha three-try fly-by, who this be slammin’ it on tha ones but ma whole loada squash homie M Web, takin’ tha prize from ma brother Sebby V who be havin’ some shee-it wit’ he’s K-to-tha-ERS system. Tings be sweet for ma consta-crashin’ homie RoGro who be slottin’ it ahead of K Raikk and ma strugglin’-to-get-a-seat next year brethren Filly M who be slidin’ it on tha six, ahead of he’s teamhomie Nando. Man, it be a sweet day to be a number twoizzle driverizzle. Hot potato!

Come tha five an’ come alive, who this cat be slicin’ up the sides but tha sideburny motherfunker RoGro and that homie be makin’ it stick. Tings ain’t so gravy fo’ ma buddy Tha Ham cuz that homie be poppin’ he’s rubber. And me ain’t talkin’ about wit’ a laydee, know wha’am sayin’? Pretty soon, that cat be down but what the fluck be goin’ on at tha pointy end cuz RoGro be losin’ he’s numero uno presumo to tha peroxide muthaflumper Sebby V. Before you know it, M Web be makin’ tha moves too, fo’ sho’. Come tha vary height step an’ spray, it be Sebby V on tha ones, M Web on tha twos and Gro-to-tha-J on the three spot. Ain’t no one gonna stop them ReBu motherfolders now, even if they say it be a mathematicalizzle possibilitizzle. Hot half a chicken and a spicy rice from Nando’s!

Don’t forget that you’ll be able to see all the action from the forthcoming Indian Grand Prix in two weeks’ time, live on BBC One and BBC One HD with additional content on the red button.

Crazy Dave reports from Canada 2013

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Thursday, June 13th, 2013

crazyd-799988Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on tha Bee-Biddy-Cee wit’ ma shortie Suzi P and ma bollocks talkin’ homie E to tha J. So las’ weekend we slide on over North America side fo’ tha Canadian Gee diddy Pee and man, we always love comin’ to this track. Wallizzle of Championizzles.

So, when it be on fo’ tha three phase fly by, ain’t nobody gonna touch tha pointy finger muddyfunker Sebby V cuz he be slammin’ it on tha ones, sweet like maple syrup. But who this be takin’ it to tha threes but ma Will.i.ams homie ValBo. Nuff respec’ to tha Finland muthaflucker. In between they two it be ma so solid Tha Ham with ma brother NiRo on tha fours. Man, this don’ help tings behind tha scenes. Illegizzle tyre testizzle controversizzle.

Come tha red five an’ goodbye, Sebby V be drivin’ away like everyone else be in a muthaflicking Marussia. But tings ain’t so gravy fo’ VaBo cuz that cat be loosin’ places faster than tha Libdiddle Democriddyats. Boom! Tings be even worse for ma Dutchie brother Gui to tha VDG cuz that cat be gettin’ into a smackdown wit’ ma flip flops homie M Web and then take down heself and Tha Hulk. Man, drivingizzle like Romizzle Grosjizzle.

Come tha wavy tablecloth it be Sebby V on tha ones and Tha Ham holds it on tha threes but who this be slidin’ in on tha two slot? It be that ultrabrow homie Nando, up from tha six slot. Quietlizzle classyizzle performancizzle.

And remember, in just over two week’s weeks time it’s the British Grand Prix at Silverstone and naturally we’ll have full live coverage of the action across the whole weekend on BBC One and BBC One HD.

Crazy Dave at Monaco 2013

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Wednesday, May 29th, 2013

crazyd-799988Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on tha Bee biddy Cee wit’ a tighty whitey package of highlights. Fo shiggeddy. So las’ weekend we slide down south fo’ tha Monaco Gee diddy Pee. Man, that shit be right on tha doorstep. Refreshingly manageabizzle commuteizzle.

So come tha three sesh whittle down, tings ain’t so gravy fo’ ma panda-faced homie Filly M cuz that cat be slammin’ it hard, barrier style. Hot dang. Tings be less broken fo’ ma pointy finger brother cuz he bangin’ it on tha three hole but he ain’t got nuttin’ on ma Brackley-based homies NiRo and Tha Ham who got the pointy side on lockdown. Jus’ makin’ tings worse in light of tha tyre testizzle controversizzle.

Come tha go fo’ tha po, NiRo be keepin’ it sweet even though that homie be drivin’ at eight-muthaflickin’-tenths. Tedious tyre conservizzle strategizzle. Behind he, tha shit be goin’ down as that Mac-Mex muthafunker Sergy P be cuttin’ up ruff stylee wit’ he’s Woking homie Jenny B and that unlucky motherfunker Filly M be havin’ an identicizzle accidizzle at tha Saint D. Then it all get real when ma rookie brother Maxy Chil be actin’ uncool with ma buddy P Maldiddy and be bringin’ out tha red wavy fun stoppers. Urgently required barrierizzle repairizzles.

Come tha re-up, it jus’ keep comin’ cuz Tha Prezman be getting’ in a smackdown with ma mumbly brother K Raikk an’ then ma smiley so-solid D Ricc be getting funked up by ma accident prone homie RoGros. Man, that muthaflucker be crashin’ into everyone. Like givin’ a drive to Inspectizzle Clouseauizzle.

When it be time to meet Princizzle Albizzle and his unhappizzle wifizzle, it be ma homie NiRo on tha ones wit’ Sebby V on tha twos. But who this be on tha low step, even though we only see him once on tha whole televizzle coverage? It be ma down under buddy Webbo slammin’ it on tha threes. Softlizzle, softlizzle, catchizzle monkizzle.

Don’t forget that live race coverage returns to the BBC for the Canadian Grand Prix on Sunday the 9th of June and also that, straight after the race, the Gareth Jones On Speed podcast (featuring Sniff Petrol) will be celebrating its 200th episode with a completely live show for your listening pleasure.

Crazy Dave reports from Spain 2013

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Thursday, May 16th, 2013

crazyd-799988Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ ma shortie Suzi P and ma even shortier E-Jo. So las’ weekend we slide over Iberia side fo’ tha Spanish Gee-diddy-Pee. Yea. Traditionalizzle quite tediousizzle.

So, come tha three time fly to survive, who this be lockin’ it on tha top slots but ma buddy NiRo and ma dog hair covered homie Tha Ham rockin’ in they M to tha Bees. Man, that be a three pointed smackdown. Sebby V, Nando an’ K Raikk, they jus’ can’t compete an’ nor can Jenny B but that be because his ride be shit. Fundamental performansizzle issueizzles.

Ting is, it be a diff’rent story come tha red five that dies cuz them Benz bros be goin’ backwards. Man, it get so bad that Tha Ham be gettin’ owned by a Will.i.ams. An’ these days, that be like loosin’ tha egg an’ spoon race to tha special kid. Truth is, all dem cats be sufferin’ out there cos of that crazy bad rubber and they be makin’ more stops than Crazy D in tha Barcelona Tighty Whitey Jean Quarter. Exceptional levizzles of degredatizzle.

Pretty soon, there ain’t nuthin’ goin’ down out there and all tha audience be sucked into tha same old Espanol Hole. Zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzzizzle.

When Crazy D wake up, it be that mole-faced homie Filly M on tha threes, tha mumbly muthafunker K Raikk on tha two and tha hometown homie Nando on tha tall step. Man, that dude look like tha cat that got tha pussy. Time fo’ a privizzle celebratizzle.

Don’t forget that in less than two weeks’ time Formula 1 moves on to the legendary Monaco Grand Prix and on Sunday 26 May we will have extensive highlights of the race on BBC One and BBC One HD.

Crazy Dave reports from Bahrain 2013

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2013

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Davey C comin’ atcha in a blazer and tighty whitey jean combo. Smart casualizzle.

So las’ weekend we slide on over Middle East side fo’ tha Gee diddy Pee of Bahrain and man, there be some contro-motherflicking-versy goin’ down. Some cats, they don’t dig tha way tings is done on tha streetz and they ain’t happy wit’ ma child size homie Big Bernie E fo’ allowing tha Fiddy Uno to be racin’ out there. Unlawful imprisonizzle of politicizzle disentizzles an’ shit.

Ting is, we ain’t got no time to pretend we care ’bout that cuz we got a championshizzle to makin’, startin’ wit’ tha three phase fly by. An’ come tha two and three sesh it be ma pretty boy buddy NiRo who be slammin’ it on tha one slot M-B style wit’ ma pointy finger brethren Sebby V on tha two an’ ma big browed brother Nando on tha three. Shoulda been ma man Tha Ham on tha fours but that cat gotta take a slot drop, as do M Web and Ezzy Gutizzy. Unusual number of grizzle plizzle penaltizzles.

Come tha five alive, that cat NiRo be goin’ down pretty fast cuz he’s rubber goin’ off and it be tha shit-at-sayin’-sorry homie Sebby V that be takin’ it to tha ones wit’ Nando on he’s tail. But then Nando got some shit goin’ down wit’ sticky flaps and I ain’t talkin’ about the results of a private celebration. Hot diggety. But then who this be sneakin’ into tha big boy end of tha playground but ma North of tha Borda brother P Diddy Resta. Nuff respec’. Cool shizzle that should make he less miserabizzle.

Elsewhere, there be some mad shit goin’ down with ma homies from tha MC Laren as tha mañana muthafunker Gio Prez be messin’ wit’ Jenny B an’ gettin’ all up in he’s face. Now, Jenny B don’ like this shit and he be complainin’ to tha team an’ ting. Boo hoo, someone take babyizzle’s bottizzle.

Now Crazy D, he can’t deny he be rootin’ fo’ ma Ecosse boss P Diddy Resta on the podiddyodium. Me be holdin’ my lucky bagpipe to tha end, and I ain’t talkin’ about tha contents of ma tighty whitey jeans. But that jus’ ain’t goin’ down and come tha success steps, it be Sebby V on tha one slot wit’ that mumbly mother K Raikk on tha two and that hairy face homie RoGro on tha three slot. Oh shee-it, not more tediousizzle Lotus hashtagizzles.

Don’t forget that Formula 1 returns to Europe in three weeks’ time and you can see all the action from the Spanish Grand Prix live on Sunday 12 May on BBC One and BBC One HD.

Crazy D reports from China 2013

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, April 16th, 2013

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha on Bee Biddy Cee with my fine shortie Suzi P and ma mad shirted bullshittin’ buddy E-to-tha-J. So las’ weekend we slide on over Chinese side fo’ tha Gee giddy Pee of China and everyone, they be lookin’ at dem cats on the itty bitty Red Bull and wonderin’ when ma buddy Sebby V is gonna get a smack in tha face hole from ma crop-haired homie M Web. Complete break down of inter-team relationshizzles.

So come tha three phase fly-by, it be all gravy fo’ ma man Fo’Nando on tha threes with tha mumbly muthaflucker K Raikk on tha twos. But who this be slammin’ it on tha pointy slot but ma team switchin’, pop star bumpin’ brother Tha Ham. Mad props, homie. Satisfying confirmation that he didn’t make the incorrectizzle decisizzle.

Tings ain’t so sweet fo’ ma so solid M Web though cuz that that cat be out tha game in tha Cutey Two-ty an’ at first they be chattin’ ‘bout a lack of fuel pressure. Yea, cuz you can’t put pressure on somethin’ tha ain’t there. That be some bad shit goin’ down fo’ ma Down Under brother right there. Feedin’ tha conspiracizzle theorizzles.

Come tha red fives and goodbyes, it be ma homies Nando and that form-findin’ micro brother Filly M who be lookin’ strong but behind them it be all goin’ on wit’ that Mexico muthafunker Esto G slammin’ into ma Lux cuttin’ homie A Sut and tha new Mac Daddy Sergy P mixin’ it up carbon splinters stylee with The Raikkmeister. But doncha jus’ know it, that leave him alone muddyfunster jus’ go even faster wit’ tha broken nose. Strange quirk of tha aerodynaicizzles.

Meanwhile, tings ain’t no barbie in tha park fo’ tha unlucky muthaflicker M Web cuz that cat be bumpin’ bodywork wit’ he Tosso buddy JEV an’ then tha muthaflumpin’ wheel come off. Literallizzle.

Come tha’ wafty flag, it be ma homie Tha Ham on tha threes, K Raikk takin’ tha two slot an’ who this be on tha big step but tha two girlfriends, one eyebrow muthafunker Nando. Smell his undercut. Crazy D be puttin’ on he’s cruise ship caberet singer jacket and chattin’ to ma brothers on tha podi-ay and F Lonso, he sure be one happy homie. Maybe cuz he off fo’ a privizzle celebratizzle. Oh yea.

Remember, it’s just one week until the race in Bahrain and you’ll be able to see the best of all the on-track action with a comprehensive highlights show at 5pm on Sunday 21 April on BBC One and BBC One HD.

Crazy Dave on the 2013 Malaysian GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Tuesday, March 26th, 2013

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha with tha hee-diddily-ilights on tha Bee-biddy-Cee wit’ ma homie Eddie J an’ ma new shortie, Suzizzle Perrizzle. So las’ weekend we slide on over Sapang side fo’ tha  Malaysian Gee to tha Pee and man, it be as hot an’ wet as a laydee when she come back to Crazy D’s place. Tha honeyz can’t handle that much chrome an’ blackizzle leatherizzle.

So come the Big Q, it be spittin’ an’ shit which mean ma homies all be runnin’ wit’ tha intermizzle tyres an’ it be ma brethren Sebby V be slammin’ it on tha one slot ‘cept who this be on tha twos but ma so solid Filly M. Oh man, when that brother get good again? Comin’ up on the threes it be ma monobrow muthafunker Nando wit’ ma buddy Tha Ham on tha four hole while ma brother Jenny B be scrapin’ in on tha seven. Maybe switchin’ teams was a sensibizzle decizzle.

Come tha five light and flight, it be a whole mess of fun wit’ Nando slammin’ it past Filly M and ma homie M Web learnin’ how to use tha muthafluckin’ clutch fo’ once. But what this shit be goin’ down? Nando be doin’ tha carbon fibre kiss on Sebby V and now he front wing be wobblin’ like Ruby Bazzachello’s bottom lip. Tha homeboy gotta pit but he ain’t down wit’ that shit and next ting y’all know, he be gettin’ high on he’s own aero supply. Inexplicizzle team strategizzle.

Next ting, all them cats be pittin’ fo’ tha slizzle rubbizzle and ma absent minded homie Tha Ham be doin’ a drive-by on tha M C Laren crib. Man, Crazy D laugh so hard he almost leave a coin o’ shame on he’s tighty whitey jeans. Meanwhile, ma brother J.E.V. and that Francais funker Charlie P be gettin’ into a smackdown in tha pit lane. Man, that be unsafizzle relizzle.

But what this shee-at be goin’ down on track? Ma homie M Web be on tha one but that pointy finger muthalicker Sebby V be all up in he’s shit an’ ting, even though ma brother C Horn be tellin’ him to chill the fluck out. Next tin y’all know, Tha V has slammed it through and El Web be givin’ him tha single finger sign language. That be some bad karma fo’ Tha Svetster. Pole befo’ bros, homie. Not cool.

Tings jus’ as bad fo’ Tha Ham an’ ma blonde ass buddy Nicky Ros cuz they under some stringent ass team orders not to mess wit’ each otha. Interestizzle radio transmizzles.

Come tha wavy tablecloth, it be Sebby V on tha ones, M Web on tha twos wit’ L Ham on tha three slot but man, tha atmos in tha room be colder than tha ice pack Crazy D had to hold to he’s forehead and testicizzles. Tha Ham owe RozzyB a solid and as fo’ Webbo and Tha V-to-tha-T, those cats ain’t ever gonna be homeboys evah again. Multizzle twenty-wizzle.

Formula 1 has three weeks off now but remember to join us for live coverage of what promises to be a very intriguing Chinese Grand Prix from 7am on Sunday 14 April, only on BBC One and BBC One HD.

Crazy Dave on the 2013 Australia GP

Posted in Crazy Dave by Crazy Dave Coulthard on Friday, March 22nd, 2013

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave comin’ atcha wit’ tha brand new Gee to tha Pee season twenty oh muthaflickin’ thirteen. And to get this party started, las’ weekend we slide on over upsidedown stylee fo’ tha muddyflumpin’ Australian Gee Pee of Australia. Nizzle worrizzles, mateizzle.

So, this bein’ a new season an’ ting, ain’t nobody know what’s gonna go down befo’ tha shit gets real out on tha T to tha armac. Is tha MC Laren gonna fly? Is them iddy bitty Red Bulls gonna smack ‘em and rack ‘em? Has ma homie Da Ham made tha right choice by decidin’ to hang wit’ tha MC Edes. Come tha triple dip dirty dash, it still ain’t mothaflackin’ clear cuz it be rainin’ big stylee. Man, it be wetter than a wine bar full of laydeez when Crazy D walk in rockin’ tha tighty whitey jeanz. Yo can see the outlinizzle of ma gentizzles.

Finally, come tha Sunday mornin’ all tha shit be shakin’ down and it be ma pointy finger muthaflipper Sebby V be slammin’ it on tha ones with ma flippy flop wearin’ local homie M Web on tha twos. But who this be on tha three slot but ma team-switchin’ bredren Tha Ham. Looky like he made tha right choice cuz ma Mac daddy Jenny B jus’ be clinging on to tha ten hole. Upsidedown suspensizzle componizzle catastrophizzle.

Come tha red-red-red-red-red an’ gone, Sebby V be flyin’, Webbo be strugglin’ and who this be pullin’ tha moves but ma big eyed Brazil bro Filly M. Hey, what happen to that homie durin’ tha off season? Did he find he’s pace down tha back of tha sofa cushizzles? Ting is, it ain’t all gravy fo’ tha Fo’ rarris cuz who this be sneakin’ up tha pointy end like a two-stop stalkin’ horse? It be that mumbly muthaflupper K Raikk and come tha wavy tablecloth he be takin’ it all tha way to tha fizz an’ flags. On tha two it be ma heavy brow homie Nando wit’ Sebby V on tha three. A trio of solidizzle startizzles to the seasonizzle.

And of course, don’t forget to join me, Eddie Jordan and our new host, Suzi Perry, for highlights of the Malaysian Grand Prix, this Sunday at 2pm only on BBC One and BBC One HD.