This week Sébastien Bourdais claimed that Torro Rosso sacked him by text message. Here, for the first time, Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal the contents of that message.
Archive for the ‘Motorsport’ Category
YOUTUBE. S. A. F1
There was good news this week for the fledgling US F1 team with the announcement that its debut season will be sponsored by YouTube, a move that will bring all the values of the popular video sharing website to America’s 2010 Formula 1 entry.
The first corollary of the new deal will be seen in the advertising carried on the car which will move and flash annoyingly, but only down one side. This will leave the main body of the machine free to carry liveries that will reflect the content of YouTube itself. American sources say during the first race, for example, the front of the car could carry some almost unwatchable footage filmed illegally at a Justin Timberlake concert. By the next race, however, this will have been mysteriously removed but it will be replaced with a pointless image of a mildly inbred American teenager endlessly performing wheelies on a small bicycle which will in turn give way to some needlessly macabre images of air disasters inexplicably set to the theme tune from Knight Rider.
The YouTube link up also promises to have a unique effect on the way the entire team’s efforts are seen on television. Whilst the rest of the 2010 F1 pack can expect to be filmed using state of the art High Definition TV cameras, the US entry will be exclusively covered on a low quality mobile phone promising unmatched levels of wobbliness and the constant sound of some unseen people noisily whooping and giggling just out of shot.
Finally, as a tribute to their title sponsors it is expected that during busy parts of the race the US F1 cars will become annoyingly slow and then crash. Although they’d probably have done that anyway.
HITLER IN HOT WATER AGAIN
German leader Adolf Hitler sparked controversy again this week (in 1933) by appearing to praise F1 supremo Bernard Ecclestone as a man who could “get things done”.
Speaking in an interview with The Times, Mr Hitler said, “Terrible to say this I suppose, but Bernie was, in the way that he could command a lot of people, able to get things done”.
F1 groups were quick to damn the mono-testicled lunatics remarks as “insensitive” and “just plain wrong”. One team source added, “Mr Hitler should think before he makes such ridiculous remarks. Has he stopped to consider the untold suffering that Bernard Ecclestone has caused over the years or paused to reflect on the evil horrors he perpetrated across the world? And I’m not even talking about his daughter’s pathetic attempts to be a television presenter”.
In light of the outcry caused by his remarks, Mr Hitler was quick to apologise for any offence he might have caused. “I am extremely distressed and embarrassed that these remarks have been used as suggesting I support Bernard Ecclestone,” he said in a statement. “I just meant he was quite good at insisting that all the lorries in the paddock are lined up neatly. However, I do not support such a despicable person nor do I endorse his disgusting reign of terror”.
However, Mr Hitler’s apology may have come too late for many F1 followers. “Oh God, not Nazis and motorsport again,” said one ardent motorsport fan. “Still, at least it’s not that bloody clip from Downfall with some supposedly funny subtitles about Porsches or motorbikes run across the bottom. Jesus, that’s become less amusing than finding blood in your underpants”.
BRAWN GP – AN APOLOGY
Last month’s Sniff Petrol, published before the start of the new Formula 1 season, contained an annotated photograph mocking the Brawn F1 team for their lack of sponsors and suggesting that their chances of success were slim. Sniff Petrol is delighted to accept that this was an utterly shit-poor piece of analysis and that Brawn are thus far completely ace. We have therefore amended the annotated picture and hope that this will stop all the people who have been e-mailing in with messages that read along the lines of ‘Huh huh huh! You must feel really stupid now!’. Yes. Yes we do. Go Jenson.
NEW FORMULA SECRETS REVEALED
The unveiling of the contenders for 2009 F1 season has led to disappointment amongst many motor racing fans with some questioning why they have to look like sort of crap F3000 cars from a few years ago. Now Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal the reason behind this – F1 is in fact going to become a sort of F3000-style lower formula, playing second fiddle to brand new top line race series being hatched in secret by the sport’s governing body.
Sniff Petrol spoke to a man with this ear to the ground outside FIA headquarters in Paris; ‘Oh God, I’ve just put my head in a dog turd,’ he said. ‘Jesus, there’s actual shit in my ear. Errr, errr, errr…’ he added mysteriously.
Meanwhile, other spies close to those at the top of motor sport say the new series is intended to make racing more popular and in line with the trends of the day. ‘We’ve realised that Formula 1 is basically a bit too complicated and nerdy, especially for today’s increasingly stupid Heat magazine reading generation,’ said one source. ‘You never see Frank Williams coming out of a nightclub in London’s West End with two mystery blondes on his arm and this just won’t do. That’s why in future F1 will be secondary to our new pinnacle of motor sport formula which will feature entries from Team Beckham, Scuderia Katona and Jordan. The fake knockered model, rather than the fake haired Irish bloke.’
Mindful of the concern that such well known tabloid favourites have no actual experience of setting up and running a high level race team the FIA has already decided the new top formula will feature no actual cars. ‘Cars are too geeky,’ said one insider from inside something. ‘Instead, this exciting new race series will visit some of the most glamourous locations in the world, such as Monte Carlo, Melbourne and Barcelona, and at each place the teams will simply have to go out for the night and compete to see who can appear in the following day’s newspapers caught stumbling out of a club at 3am. It’s not only a lot cheaper than actual racing, it’s also perfectly atuned to our lucrative target audience of grunting thickos who pore over gossip magazines but have no idea of, say, the name of the Chancellor of the Exchequer.’
FIA spies say that, whilst plans for the new race series are well advanced, there is still some controversy over its name. ‘Clearly F1 is called that because it used to be the very top,’ said one mole. ‘That means we’re a bit stuck on numbers. At the moment we’re probably just going to call it F-Bling, although there is some worry that this sounds like it was invented by a retarded child. Funnily enough, it was actually thought of by a hyperactively troublesome small person. You know him. Bernard something or other…’
BRAZILIAN GRAND PRIX REPORT
The Brazilian Grand Prix was one of the most exciting climaxes to an F1 season ever seen and in the end it came down to a battle between just two men. Those men were Anthony Hamilton and Luiz Antonio Massa, and after 71 laps only one of them could be victorious in what has been an epic season-long fight for more TV time.
Massa made a mighty start with a world class display of looking pensive and quickly pulled away all the cameras from the McLaren pit, although Hamilton quickly fought back with a fine demonstration of looking intense and concerned.
However, by the first pit stops it was the Brazilian who held the upper hand – and the attention of the cameras – with a series of excitable hand gestures that his British rival appeared unable to match. Within a few laps, however, Hamilton was back in the game – and on the telly – with a truly impressive focussed stare at a monitor in the garage.
Massa was fighting valiantly with some swiftly dispatched finger crossing but appeared unable to get the better of the Englishman. Then, just after the second pit stops, disaster for Hamilton as he stepped outside the back of the pit garage, failing to realise that there were no television crews in this area.
Massa appeared unstoppable now and the pace of his visible paternal concern showed as the race entered its final few laps. Hamilton appeared to staring down the barrel of defeat – rather than the lens of a DigiBeta camera. But then, just when all seemed to be lost, the British hopeful suddenly got past some mechanics who were standing between him and a film unit.
Victory was his and he was able to celebrate with abandon as he knew that at last he was, without doubt, on television.