Archive for the ‘Motorshows’ Category

The New York International Auto Show is an auto show which is international and in New York. Here is a report from there.

Picture editor to my office please

One of the biggest announcements at the show was the brand new Cadillac CTS which showcases the replacement for the company’s ‘Art & Science’ design philosophy dubbed ‘Math & Geography’. ‘The front represents a long division sum,’ said a spokesman. ‘The window area is inspired by quadratic equations and ox bow lakes and the trunk lid represents, yep, you guessed it, shifting subsistence cultivation in the densely forested highlands of the Congo Basin.’

The new Range Rover Sport attracted a great deal of media attention at the show with most observers agreeing that it looked very handsome. ‘I’m glad people like it because I designed all of it,’ claimed Design Director Geraldine McGovern. ‘I designed all of it on my own and no one helped me. You know the Evoque? I designed that as well. Do you like the Empire State Building? Good, because that was one of mine. Have you ever seen mountains? I designed those too. And waterfalls.’ For typical customers, new Sport prices will start at one week’s wages, minus your agent’s fee, and rise to just over 1 kilo, uncut.

Over on the Jaguar stand the big news was the track-biased XKR-S GT. This won’t be the last extreme version of the XK, however. ‘The XKR-S GT will be followed by an XKR-S GT2,’ said a spokesman. ‘And then an XKR-S GT2-R and then an XKR-S GT2R-S and finally an XKR-S GT2-R-S R which won’t have the massive rear wing because the rear axle will be pinned to the road by the weight of all the badges on the boot.’

The New York show brought further proof that the Koreans are not mucking about in their bid to destroy all other car companies with the arrival of a brand new Kia Soul which looked completely identical to the old model. ‘No, no, no. Look closer,’ said a spokesman. ‘The previous Soul was a great success for us but we realised the exterior door handles were 4mm too low so we destroyed all the tooling and designed a brand new car from scratch. Now they are perfect. Ha ha ha, all your base are belong to us,’ he added, mysteriously.

This event was the first public showing of the new and controversial Jeep Cherokee which attracted a range of comments from show goers including, ‘Why are its headlights following me around the room?’ and ‘Arrr! I think it just bit me!’ A Jeep spokesman admitted the new model may have been dropped on its roof as a prototype.

Finally, the main attraction on the Chevrolet stand was the new 7-litre, 500 horsepower Camaro Z/28 which is not only more powerful but also lighter after a range of weight-saving measures including deleted air-conditioning and removal of items normally found in the boot including carpet, gun rack, blood soaked rags and the hooker’s arm. For the benefit of European journalists unfamiliar with Camaro history,  a Chevy spokesman was able to clarify the meaning of the Z/28 name; ‘The zee stands for America,’ he shouted. ‘And the 28 stands for FUCK YEAH. Next question.’

The hybrid hypercar war between LaFerrari and the McLaren P1 has been won by the Lamborghini Veneno which unexpectedly showed its hybrid capability by turning from a car into a massive robot and destroying its rivals with a laser gun. It was later found out the back of the exhibition centre chatting up a 128kw emergency generator.

Rolls-Royce announced its new Ghost-based coupe, the Wraith, along with an explanation of the name; ‘Historically, a wraith is a kind of vulgar apparition,’ said a spokesman. ‘And it has a slightly odd arse.’

AMG has announced plans for 30 new models over the next four years. This unprecedented expansion means that by 2017 every car Mercedes sells will be an AMG. Financial experts are already advising investors to move their money into tyres and traction control light bulbs.

Just two months after creating 800 jobs at its Solihull plant, Land Rover used the Geneva Motoring Show to announce it is looking for another 700 people to work at its new engine factory in the West Midlands. ‘This is an extraordinary announcement,’ said automotive maths expert Professor Ken Freeply of Nigel Havers College, Kettering. ‘According to my extrapolations, at this rate by 2030 everyone in Britain will work for Land Rover. And if the expansion continues at the current rate, the government will have to relax immigration laws just to allow in enough people to satisfy Land Rover’s voracious appetite for employees.’ Prof. Freeply later denied that his calculations were ‘shit’.

After receiving criticism from the British media for naming its new small concept car the Provo, Kia has admitted its mistake and changed the name of the car to the L-Qaeda. ‘What?’ said a spokesman, indignantly.

Honda showed off the Civic Tourer though a spokesman was quick to point out that it is absolutely not a production car, no siree. ‘This is a concept,’ he said. ‘It’s a chance for our designers to run wild with crazy features such as a tax disc holder and prices that start at £19,860 on the road.’

Jaguar boss Adrian Hallmark-Cards justified the pricing of the forthcoming F-type sports car which many have called too expensive. ‘There is a good reason for these prices,’ Hallmark-Cards explained. ‘What we discovered is that many of our customers have quite a lot of money and we decided it might be nice to take it off them in exchange for a car. So, what we did was look at the cost of developing and making F-type, divided that across the number we plan to make and then added an amount on top which we’re calling a ‘profit’. It’s a new strategy for Jaguar but one which we think might work.’

Finally, Porsche showed off the new 911 GT3 which features a 468bhp 3.8-litre engine, a PDK twin-clutch gearbox, a brand new four-wheel steer system and a lightweight pot of lube in the glovebox to make life easier for car journalists when they test drive it.

The Geneva Show of Geneva starts next week in Geneva. If you’re going, here are a few of the expected highlights:

Halle 1 should be high on your ‘must visit’ list, especially if you want to see Klaus Grüber from Wolfenbüttel in Germany who will be sporting a thick and quite extraordinary mass of hair which remains scrupulously short at the front and sides, yet tumbles with abandon like a greasy waterfall over his collar at the back.

Also from the file marked ‘essential’ is a visit to the far back corner of Halle 2 where you may catch a glimpse of Dieter Bödeker from Kapfenburg in Austria who will be showing off a mane of peroxide-ravaged hair which explodes from his head in an exuberant manner, giving him the appearance of a camp lion. There are unconfirmed rumours that Dieter may also wear a very particular style of black leather biker jacket as if he has just escaped from a 1980s music video.

Halle 4 is your destination if you want to catch a glimpse of local man Karl Schuler from Lausanne who will be showcasing a simply extraordinary moustache that, from a distance, might fool onlookers into thinking he has a medium-sized Labradoodle gaffer-taped to his top lip. All indications are that Karl will build on the attraction of his immense facial topiary by showcasing a pair of stridently red trousers that are fractionally too short and give onlookers a tasty glimpse of his white towelling socks.

A day at Geneva’s Geneva Show wouldn’t be complete without a trip to Halle 7 where you stand a good chance of seeing Erjon Haxhi of Tirana, Albania who will be teaming a purple leather jacket with black leather trousers and a lengthy display of black curly hair into which he appears to have rubbed over 17 kilos of butter.

Finally, it will be well worth ending your tour of the show with a quick trip to Halle 6 where you might catch Johanna Kappmeier of Munich with her eye-catching combination of incredibly bright blonde hair in a highly gelled style that makes her look like Brigitte Nielsen’s shit sister, teamed with a pair of extremely elaborate and unusually shaped glasses that you simply wouldn’t be able to buy in the UK.

The Geneva foreigners show runs until 17 March 2013.

The 2012 Beijing Motor Show is in Beijing. Sniff Petrol sent expendable correspondent Wurke Esperiense to report on the state of the Chinese car industry.

The Chinese car industry is moving fast. Almost as fast as the men who came to my hotel room and went through my computer. China is great. Everything is normal. Go about your business.

One of the largest local companies exhibiting at Beijing is Fong Bum Motor Factor. Only two years ago their models looked awkward and unattractive because the company lacked experience in design. Now things are different – their models look awkward and unattractive because they’re straight copies of last generation BMWs. Typifying this new approach is their new 88X Milky Wolf which appears to use the front of an old 5-series and the back of a last generation X3, held together in the middle with aluminium sheeting and despair.

Over at Golden Shaft Motor Concern the big news was the Angry Birds Coke Mulberry 8, a luxury limousine that resembles a Mercedes S-class after a bereavement. Its maker says the design process was notable because only seven people died and they hope to have the car on sale in time for The Age of Undisclosed Plans.

Locally-based newcomer Lion Cock Motor Manufactory proudly showed their SurveillanceMonkey 88 family saloon which most onlookers agreed bore a striking resemblance to a Honda Accord after an unusual accident. The SM 88 features the regulation quantity of seats and an undecided number of doors. It will enter production when enough people have been rounded up.

The Chinese don’t typically go for sports cars unless specifically instructed otherwise but Roaring Fire Motor System from the Dirty Ho province hope to change all that with their Lethal Weasel X88 Moving Target. This bravely styled coupe claims to offer 300bhp with the promise of more if you give regular reports on the activities of your neighbours. It looks like a Nissan 370Z from a near-future in which all hope has been eradicated.

Making their first appearance in Beijing since the well-suppressed tragedy was Whispering Anus Motor Co-operative with their brand new large saloon, the W8-88X Vanished Relatives. The exterior clearly owes a large debt to Lexus and unnecessary violence whilst the interior features a number of unresolved issues and several poorly concealed microphones. The company claims to have sold over one million of these cars in the last month alone and will report anyone who says otherwise.

Finally, for practically-minded customers and government departments needing something easy to hose out, there was the Action Jackson 8-WX (Grievous Injury), a ‘multi-purpose utility system’ from Searing Agony Motor Agency. Boasting four individual seats in the cabin and a two metre square enclosed rear cargo area capable of accommodating ‘over 20 of those whose thoughts were incorrect’, the 8-WX is sure to cause everyone to reflect on what they’ve done.

If Wurke Esperiense’s parents are reading this, could you give us a call please. Fairly urgent.

The Detroit Show, yesterday

The North American International Auto Show is as much of a fixture on Detroit’s calendar as the All American Expo of Gun Crime or the International Crack Whore Festival. This is what the Big Three got up to this year. At the car show, obviously. What they did at the guns and hookers things is basically unprintable.

Ford went in hard with ecological technology at Detroit this year, featuring a raft of new models including the Focus Mossfucker plug-in hybrid and the C-Max TreeHomo full electric minivan. The company also showcased a new efficiency technology for mainstream cars dubbed LameAssHippyTech and, on a different tack, a 6.2-litre supercharged variant of the F250 pick-up truck provisionally called the Super Awesome Let’s Fuckin’ Do This Thing HELL YEA!

Over at GM, green innovations were very much the order of the day with a new estate variant of the acclaimed Volt petrol-electric range extender hybrid called the Chevrolet Doucheman. The rapidly recovering auto giant also unveiled some clever electric car technology labeled PinkoCommieObamaTech and a raft of new mild hybrids which will wear the badge of the company’s new eco sub-brand, LiberalFaggot. It wasn’t all about the environment, however, as GM also unveiled a brand new 7-litre version of the GMC Yukon SUV called the Super Freedom Sweet Ass Truck God Bless America Edition Hammertime RAAAAAAAA!

Finally, the Chrysler stand was home to two facelifts, some second-hand Fiats and a sign saying ‘If you find our dignity please can we have it back’.