Archive for the ‘Motorshows’ Category

The 2016 Geneva motoring show – part 1

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, March 1st, 2016

The Geneva motor show is a free skiing holiday for car journalists, and if there’s time they might cram in a quick look at the 911R. Here is the first of two reports from there.

Gen16AstonDB11Aston Martin made one of the most exciting announcements at Geneva as it revealed the DB9 replacement, called the DB11. ‘It’s two better,’ confirmed a spokesman. Aston also gave details of its new factory in Wales. ‘Within a few years brand new Aston Martins will roll off our production line in Cardiff,’ said a spokesman. ‘And then immediately get their heads kicked in for having an English name.’

Geneva saw the European preview of the Hyundai Ioniq hybrid. ‘It gives you the energy you need for sports,’ said spokesman John Barnes. ‘No wait, I’m thinking of isotonic. Shit, sorry. Would you like me to do the rap bit from World In Motion?’

Renault announced the new Scenic which the company says elevates the long-running model to new heights. ‘This is the Scenic taken to the next level,’ said a spokesman. ‘More style, more efficiency, more bits coming off in your hand.’

Citroen showed off the dramatic DS E-Tense concept. ‘This is a concept car in the great PSA tradition,’ said a spokesman. ‘Which is to say, it bears almost no resemblance to anything we might do in real life.’

Gen16OpelGTBugatti announced the amazing new Chiron which is said to contain incredible, boundary-pushing engineering to make it capable of feats other cars can only dream of, such as doing 200km a year around the centre of a large city and then appearing second hand at a posh car broker for twice the list price.

Later on press day, Hyundai had another go at showing off its brand new Ioniq. ‘It’s like raaaaaaaaain on your wedding day, it’s a free riiiiii-eeeeiiide when you’ve already paid,’ said spokeswoman Alanis Morissette. ‘No, wait, I’m thinking of ironic. Shit, sorry. Would you like me to do that really angry song your ex-girlfriend likes?’

Vauxhall showed off the exciting GT concept which features a number of radical design elements. These include unusual windows which make it appear that the driver can’t see out of the sides, much like every Corsa.

Audi took the covers off the new Q2 which, as its name suggests, is inspired by the months of April to June. ‘It brings the hope that soon you can sit outside the pub,’ said a spokesman.

Gen16Porsche911RAs preview day ended, Hyundai had one last stab at announcing its new Ioniq hybrid. ‘It flushes waste material out of the bowel using a hose pipe inserted into the rectum,’ said spokeswoman Gillian McKeith. ‘No, wait, I’m thinking of colonic. Shit, sorry. Would you like me to be a creepy real life Terrahawk rooting around in your poos?’

Finally, Porsche delighted car journalists by announcing the long-awaited 911R. ‘Oh great,’ sighed the person responsible for getting semen out of bed linen in Geneva hotels.

The 2016 Consumer Electronics Show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, January 7th, 2016

The Consumer Electronics Show is no longer an excuse for technology journalists to spend a week in Vegas trying to claim back hookers on expenses and cramming free laptops into their suitcases. Now car makers are there, motoring journalists can do that too. Here is an report about the show’s automotive highlights.

CES16_1Aston Martin made a surprise appearance at the show with the Autolink Rapide S which features the latest generation of touchscreens. ‘This car is completely connected,’ said a spokesman. ‘In particular to your friend Graeme who it keeps ringing even when you ask it not to’.

BMW showed off the i8 Vision Future Interaction concept, which they had to rush a bit and didn’t have time to fit with doors or a bootlid. ‘This car is fully connected,’ boasted a spokesman. ‘That’s why it comes with a 400 kilometer curly cord’.

CES16_2Jaguar displayed a one-off F-Pace to showcase new tech developed with Intel. ‘This car is unbelievably connected,’ explained a spokesman. ‘Both vertically, and horizontally, and slightly diagonally. There really is nothing it isn’t connected to. Some of the things it’s connected to are actually connected to each other, and then back again. If anything, it’s a bit too fucking connected.’

Volkswagen displayed the e-Golf Touch which boasts advanced features such as gesture control. ‘This car is extremely connected,’ a spokesman claimed. ‘As a result, it keeps reading out the comments under YouTube videos until you develop such despair at the state of humanity that you smash it through the front of a flower shop. This usually happens within two or three minutes’.

CES16_3Volvo showed a new smartwatch control system for its next generation models. ‘These cars will be totally connected,’ said a spokesman. ‘Your watch is your car and your car is your watch and eventually the user will regard them as a connected entity at which point they will end up with a broken wrist and a lot of explaining to do’.

Finally, VW revealed the Microbus-inspired Budd-e concept. ‘Blah blah blah connected,’ confirmed a spokesman. ‘The main thing about this concept is that it distracts people from the shame of our diesel lies by reminding them of happier things like our glorious Nazi heritage’.

2015 Tokyo motor show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, October 30th, 2015

The Tokyo Motor Show is a motor show which takes place in Tokyo. Here is a report from it and there and it.

Tokyo15_1Big news at Nissan was the R-PATZ concept which features weirdly intense headlights and a massive amount of terrible fan fiction in the boot.

Over at Toyota, all eyes were on a new concept made entirely of thoughts and which runs purely on the power of humming. The extraordinary new car is called Hikai, which is a traditional Japanese word meaning ‘eye infection’.

Back on the Nissan stand, there was much interest in the N-DUBZ concept which features a ridiculously tall roof and an engine that boasts about how many drugs it runs on. A company spokesman promises that, with any luck, the concept should go away in a couple of years.

Tokyo15_2Honda were debuting a new alternative fuel concept called the FHX Pasquale which runs on helium. Engineers acknowledge that the engine note is quite high.

Returning to Nissan, company bosses took the covers off the distinctive J-LO concept which is wider at the back than the front and must be kept in a garage full of candles and white linen.

Suzuki used Tokyo to announce a new concept called the Fancy Man Hot Soup Splendide. The radical one-off is made of condiment sachets pocketed from chain restaurants while the engine is fuelled entirely by conversations with your dad about the weather.

Nissan showed off the R-SOUL concept which the company says is designed to be driven by ‘bellends, cockholes and titwipes’. The concept has already attracted a great deal of interest from a London-based estate agency chain.

Tokyo15_3Daihatsu debuted their new KXX Happy Smile Deluxe Time Hmmm? concept which is described as ‘idiotically small’ with an engine that ‘will not stop asking you about turtles’.

Finally, the show saw the first public display of the Nissan X-WIFE which has got all your stuff and must be given £1200 a month or it’ll throw all your records in a skip.




The 2015 Frankfurt motoring show part 2

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, September 16th, 2015

The Frankfurt motoring show still takes place in Germany. Here are some more newses from there.

Frankfurt, yesterday

Frankfurt, yesterday

Porsche gave the first public showing to the new, turbocharged 911 and confronted the conspicuous problem of what to do with the existing 911 Turbo. ‘It is simple,’ said a spokesman. ‘The 911 Turbo will receive a revolutionary new gearbox and a radical steering system and hence will be renamed the Porsche BoxSteer. Oh… Scheiße.’

Rolls-Royce was slow to pull the covers from it’s new convertible Wraith, the Dawn.‘It’s always darkest before the Dawn. Ow fuck. Ow!’ said a spokesman, banging his leg on a coffee table.

Renault showed off the new Megane. ‘Why would you buy a Golf when you could have this?’ asked a spokesman. ‘Oh dear, I seem to have answered my own question. Merde.’

On the Nissan stand all eyes were on the Gimpz concept. ‘It’s a chopper, baby. Zed’s dead, baby. Zed’s dead,’ said a spokesman mysteriously, before bumming Bruce Willis.

Over at Infiniti the big news was the Q30 small car which is vitally important for the company and of no importance whatsoever to anyone outside of it.

Finally, Volkswagen announced a new Golf GTI version called the Clubsport which is aimed at track day goers. To that end, the new model automatically uploads extremely boring footage to YouTube, having carefully edited out the bit where it made a total cock of the chicane and got overtaken by a badly modified MX5.

The 2015 Frankfurt motoring show part 1

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, September 15th, 2015

The Frankfurt Motoring Show takes place in Germany because that’s where Frankfurt is, you idiot. Here is some of the new news that is coming out of there. 

Frankfurt, yesterday

Frankfurt, yesterday

Bentley took the covers off the Bentayga, even though everyone begged them not to. The company says the new SUV will boast a range of exterior and interior finishes that will deliver unmatched vulgarity including the option of an interior ‘as orange as your wife’.

The big news for Jaguar was the reveal of the F-pace crossover. ‘This does not look like a traditional Jaguar and it will not drive like a traditional Jaguar,’ said a spokesman. ‘So ideally we’re hoping to attract people who hate Jaguars.’

Porsche wowed Frankfurt with the striking Mission E electric concept. ‘This is an electric car but also true to Porsche values,’ said a spokesman. ‘By which I mean, all the electricity is at the back.’

The big announcement from Toyota was the new Prius which causes only mild nausea if you don’t look at it directly. Customers in Islington will be able to buy the new car as a special Corbyn Edition which veers violently to the left and features a 4WD system that distributes torque equally amongst all wheels.

Volkswagen revealed its new Tiguan, designed for people who want a Golf that won’t fit in their garage. ‘The name Tiguan is a mixture of two words,’ said a spokesman. ‘’Tiger’, because it is strong, and ‘guano’, because it shits on the competition. I don’t mean that literally. Or do I…?’

Over at Ford the big news was a medium sized SUV called the Edge which features lots of delay on the engine note and a special top cover to disguise that the roof is thinning.

Centrepiece of the Alfa stand was the vital new Giulia saloon. ‘When it goes on sale this car will showcase the great heritage of Alfa Romeo,’ said a spokesman. ‘By which I mean, it was developed in just two years and isn’t finished.’

Honda showed off the exciting Project 2&4 which is inspired by the company’s motorsport programme. To that end, the designers promise that it is slower than at least 18 other cars.


The 2014 Paris motor show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, October 2nd, 2014

With its pick pockets, dog turds and extremely expensive drinks, Paris is rightly known as the city of romance. But it’s also the city of a motor show. This is a report from it. 

Paris14LamboOne of the surprise stars of the show was the Lamborghini Asterion which is billed as a hybrid as it combines the De Tomaso Pantera with a flagon of Paco Rabanne. ‘The name Asterion comes from mythology,’ said a spokesman. ‘It is the Greek god of YouTube clips depicting idiots driving too quickly around major cities.’

On the Honda stand, all talk was of the Civic Type R and new NSX, both of which the company promises will finally go on sale next year. Honda also says that next year it is ‘totally going to get my shit together and, like, finally move out of my parents’ house and, y’know, get down to my studies and become a marine biologist or something.’

Paris14TTSportbackThe big news over at Audi was the TT Sportback concept. ‘We are very pleased with this car,’ said a spokesman. ‘TT Sportback is dynamic and practical and also a type of southern German sexual practice that it is impossible to describe without some five spoons, a glove and a lot of newspaper.’

Mazda used the Paris to show off the new MX-5 and to confirm the new car’s engine range at last. For North America, the lightweight roadster will use a 2-litre petrol engine whilst for Europe it will come with a single cylinder diesel engine from a dumper truck. ‘There has been a horrible misunderstanding,’ said a spokesman.

On the Infiniti stand, the company known as ‘shit Lexus’ showed off the Q80 concept. ‘This is a car you could easily see in Infiniti showrooms,’ said a spokesman. ‘That’s why it’s been designed to attract almost no attention whatsoever.’

Paris14Fiat500XFiat took the covers off the new 500X and refused to put them back on again, no matter how much begging there was. The car is called the 500X is because it is 500 times more horrible than the original 500.

Over at Ferrari the big news was an open top version of their extreme 458, called the Speciale A. ‘The A stands for Aperta,’ confirmed a spokesman. ‘Which is the Italian for ‘anus’.’

Paris was the first public showing for the new Vauxhall Corsa which will come with a fresh range of trim names, designed to reflect the car’s classic customer base. ‘The range starts with Learner,’ confirmed a spokesman. ‘Then rises through Cretin, Moron, Simpleton and Tit.’

Paris14VWXLSportOne of the unexpected stars of Paris came from Volkswagen with their remarkable XL Sport concept which marries the lightweight body of the XL1 hybrid to a Ducati motorcycle engine. ‘Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaazing maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaachine,’ said a spokesman, before having to slow for another conversation and bogging down a bit.

Nissan showed off their Pulsar Nismo which is a standard Pulsar ‘taken to the extreme’. As such, the dashboard features an extra seven shades of grey whilst the engine produces ‘over 134 horsepower’.

Paris saw the announcement of the new Suzuki Vitara. ‘This car was designed for what in Japan we call ‘kanjisu aru’,’ said a spokesman. ‘This literally translates as ‘dresser of hair’.’

The 2014 Beijing Motor Show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Wurke Esperiense on Friday, April 25th, 2014

The Beijing Motor Show took place in Beijing this week. We sent expendable correspondent WURKE ESPERIENSE to look at the local offerings on display.

Beijing14_1One of the local stars here in Beijing was the new Fat Cok 8L from Massive Wasp Motor & Pre-school Hand Grenade Concern. This innovative SUV boasts an especially obedient interior, featuring a second row of seats that can fold, rotate and report you to the authorities. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that has been in a needless accident.

Bum Lik Automobile & Asbestos Baby Food Manufactory are a new company from the Chandler Bing province. Their Girl’s Hat 8J is an entry level model that will be offered through an innovative lease scheme in which customers use the car when they need it and return it when they want their relatives back. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that has received some terrible news.

Beijing14_2The Rist Tits 88K is a new crossover model from Furious Monkey Child Motor System & Detention Center boasting a unique hybrid system that runs on a combination of electricity and fear. The interior is equally interesting with a dashboard designed primarily to record your conversations. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that suspects more strangers have been in its house while it was out.

Glorious Crow Vehicle & Poisonous Water Industry were displaying a revised version of the Dog Zhit 300 which now has larger headlights, fewer rotating knives and a more easily wipeable interior. The new model also has a lower price, emotionally. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that has seen some truly awful things happen to its parents.

Beijing14_3Finally, Beijing marked the debut of the all-new 88 Liam Neeson Starbucks iPhone X from Mary Berry Car, Truck & Nerve Agent Concern. This striking saloon-coupe-SUV hybrid features a below average number of sharp edges and can be made to go in the direction you would like with a series of bribes. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that has long since ceased to be wistful and is now slipping inexorably into a state of deep despair.

Two men have been following me ever since I arrived here. Please send help.

The 2014 Geneva Show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

The Geneva Motoring Show is a chance for car journalists to check that all the press releases and pictures of new cars they received two weeks ago are actually true whilst perhaps fitting in some light skiing if there’s time. Here is an report.

Gen14VauxAstraExtremeOpel showed off a new high performance concept which is called the Astra Extreme, not because it has over 300 horsepower but because of its views on immigration. ‘They’re really quite strong,’ warned a spokesman.

Geneva was the first public showing for the BMW 2-series Active Tourer which is not only the firm’s first own-brand front-wheel-drive car but also their first named after someone who hangs around public lavatories.

Over at Jeep the big news was the compact Renegade model. ‘Back once again for the Renegade master, D4 damager, power to the people. Back once again for the Renegade master, D4 damager, with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour,’ said a spokesmna. ‘Ba-bo-de-fo-pow-oh-dee-fo, bbbbbdddddd,’ he added mysteriously.

Gen14TwingoOn the Renault stand all attention as focused on the new, rear-engined Twingo city car. The new model will go on sale initially in ‘Paris’ trim which features pre-scuffed bodywork, factory damaged bumpers and an interior that smells of cigarettes and stylish rudeness.

There was a treat for spot the difference fans on the Audi stand as the German firm revealed the new TT. Following feedback from the model’s core customer base, which is air hostesses, the new car features doors here, here and a single door at the rear whilst all trim levels come with TFT instruments, LED headlights and a whistle for attracting attention. ‘Please remember to get into your own TT before helping others to get into theirs,’ said a spekosman.

Gen14ToyotaAygoOver at the Toyota stand it was the world premier of the new and mysteriously X-faced Aygo which promises practicality, economy and to avenge the death of its ancestors.

Maserati showed off the exciting, full-hipped Alfieri concept. Its name comes from ‘eri’, which is Italian for ‘Jaguar’, and ‘Alfi’ which is Italian for ‘bit of a rip-off of’.

Volkswagen surprised showgoers with the unusual T-ROC concept. ‘The name comes from a German expression for lowering your testicles onto someone’s face, like so,’ said a spkoesman. ‘Wait. Why are you running away?’

Gen14NewTTMcLaren showed off the new 650S and announced that it will be followed by a model marking Ron Dennis’s return to their Formula 1 team, called the 650T. ‘The T stands for tidy,’ a spsokemna confirmed.

Mini wheeled out the Clubman concept which the company says is  a work in progress. With that in mind, that show visitors are invited to add a new grille, shape or interior feature of their own. ‘We’re hoping to beat our own benchmark for exhaustingly busy design,’ said an over-styled speakmons.

Volvo revealed the Concept Estate, a one-off designed to reflected one of the company’s great traditions. In this case, their great tradition of announcing yet another fucking concept car.

Finally, Apple used the Geneva Show to reveal details of its new CarPlay system which is the next step in iPhone / car integration and should enable users to shout ‘Play Roxanne… PLAY… ROXANNE… No! Do not call Robin! Cancel! CANCEL! Robin, hello mate, sorry, erm, my stupid car just called you, erm…. So, umm… How’s tricks?’ whilst keeping both hands on the wheel.


The 2014 Detroit Show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, January 14th, 2014

The Detroit Motoring Show is in Detroit. Here are some words from there.

Det14_TargaOne of the stars of the show was the return of a classic look for the Porsche 911, along with the use of the famous Targa name, which is Latin for hairpiece.

The big news from Fiat’s US branch office was the new Chrysler 200  saloon. ‘I believe this is a great automobile,’ said a senior Chrysler designer. ‘And I just can’t wait for our customers to rent one.’

Over on the Volkswagen stand, the main attraction was the Beetle Dune concept, although there was some confusion about the name. ‘Beaches?’ said a spokesman. ‘What are you talking about? You cannot get this car anywhere near sand, it would be ruined. Dune is German slang for a lady with a penis.’

Det14_BeetleDuneVolvo proudly showed off its new Concept XC Coupe which previews the look of the next XC90. ‘This car is inspired by research conducted amongst existing XC90 drivers,’ revealed a spokesperson. ‘That’s why the Concept XC Coupe can’t wait until its third child goes to boarding school and is secretly shagging its tennis instructor.’

Toyota announced the striking FT-1 which is tipped to become the new Supra with only the addition of production spec lights, mirrors and in-dash Rohypnol storage.

Audi showed off their Allroad Shooting Brake concept, a car that not only previews the look of the next TT but also heralds an expanded range of Allroad models to sit alongside existing models which only works on some roads. For example, ones that don’t have bumps on them.

Det14_KiaAnother show highlight came from Kia who revealed an exciting coupe concept called the GT4 Stinger. ‘This car was conceived one night over a curry,’ admitted a senior designer. ‘Although the name came to me the next day.’

Cadillac revealed the understated ATS Coupe along with a revised marque badge that gets rid of the wreath around the main design. ‘My nephew did that for me,’ said Cadillac loudly. ‘He’s good with computers you see. Are you Walt’s boy? You look like Walt. Whose legs are these?’

Mercedes showed off the new C-class along with a claim that the interior is so nice the car can detect what sort of trousers you are wearing and then decide not to let you in.

Finally, GM proudly announced the new Z06 version of the latest Corvette. ‘This is the greatest example of the greatest sportscar on the planet,’ said a spokesman. ‘Awww, bless,’ said the rest of the world.

German car makers under fire for Frankfurt

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, September 9th, 2013


Frankfurt, yesterday

German car makers are under fire today for  attempts to out-do each other with the size of their stands at the forthcoming Frankfurt motor show.

The first manufacturer to come under fire is Volkswagen after the car giant admitted that its stand will be so vast that getting from one end to the other is ‘a bit of a drive’.

VW’s largesse pales into insignificance, however, when compared to recently leaked plans for the Mercedes stand which show a construction so massive it will boast an Olympic-size swimming pool, two multiplex cinemas and a dedicated international airport allowing visitors to fly directly into the bit where the new S-class is on display. In order to accommodate such vastness, one insider confirmed that the stand’s ceiling is high enough ‘to have a moon in it’.

Despite this astonishing scale, the Mercedes exhibition area may not draw as much attention as the stand designed by rivals BMW which, according to insiders, takes the form of a specially built table the size of a football pitch onto which the company will repeatedly slap an enormous branded cock.