Archive for the ‘Motorshows’ Category

The 2014 Beijing Motor Show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Wurke Esperiense on Friday, April 25th, 2014

The Beijing Motor Show took place in Beijing this week. We sent expendable correspondent WURKE ESPERIENSE to look at the local offerings on display.

Beijing14_1One of the local stars here in Beijing was the new Fat Cok 8L from Massive Wasp Motor & Pre-school Hand Grenade Concern. This innovative SUV boasts an especially obedient interior, featuring a second row of seats that can fold, rotate and report you to the authorities. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that has been in a needless accident.

Bum Lik Automobile & Asbestos Baby Food Manufactory are a new company from the Chandler Bing province. Their Girl’s Hat 8J is an entry level model that will be offered through an innovative lease scheme in which customers use the car when they need it and return it when they want their relatives back. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that has received some terrible news.

Beijing14_2The Rist Tits 88K is a new crossover model from Furious Monkey Child Motor System & Detention Center boasting a unique hybrid system that runs on a combination of electricity and fear. The interior is equally interesting with a dashboard designed primarily to record your conversations. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that suspects more strangers have been in its house while it was out.

Glorious Crow Vehicle & Poisonous Water Industry were displaying a revised version of the Dog Zhit 300 which now has larger headlights, fewer rotating knives and a more easily wipeable interior. The new model also has a lower price, emotionally. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that has seen some truly awful things happen to its parents.

Beijing14_3Finally, Beijing marked the debut of the all-new 88 Liam Neeson Starbucks iPhone X from Mary Berry Car, Truck & Nerve Agent Concern. This striking saloon-coupe-SUV hybrid features a below average number of sharp edges and can be made to go in the direction you would like with a series of bribes. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that has long since ceased to be wistful and is now slipping inexorably into a state of deep despair.

Two men have been following me ever since I arrived here. Please send help.

The 2014 Geneva Show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

The Geneva Motoring Show is a chance for car journalists to check that all the press releases and pictures of new cars they received two weeks ago are actually true whilst perhaps fitting in some light skiing if there’s time. Here is an report.

Gen14VauxAstraExtremeOpel showed off a new high performance concept which is called the Astra Extreme, not because it has over 300 horsepower but because of its views on immigration. ‘They’re really quite strong,’ warned a spokesman.

Geneva was the first public showing for the BMW 2-series Active Tourer which is not only the firm’s first own-brand front-wheel-drive car but also their first named after someone who hangs around public lavatories.

Over at Jeep the big news was the compact Renegade model. ‘Back once again for the Renegade master, D4 damager, power to the people. Back once again for the Renegade master, D4 damager, with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour,’ said a spokesmna. ‘Ba-bo-de-fo-pow-oh-dee-fo, bbbbbdddddd,’ he added mysteriously.

Gen14TwingoOn the Renault stand all attention as focused on the new, rear-engined Twingo city car. The new model will go on sale initially in ‘Paris’ trim which features pre-scuffed bodywork, factory damaged bumpers and an interior that smells of cigarettes and stylish rudeness.

There was a treat for spot the difference fans on the Audi stand as the German firm revealed the new TT. Following feedback from the model’s core customer base, which is air hostesses, the new car features doors here, here and a single door at the rear whilst all trim levels come with TFT instruments, LED headlights and a whistle for attracting attention. ‘Please remember to get into your own TT before helping others to get into theirs,’ said a spekosman.

Gen14ToyotaAygoOver at the Toyota stand it was the world premier of the new and mysteriously X-faced Aygo which promises practicality, economy and to avenge the death of its ancestors.

Maserati showed off the exciting, full-hipped Alfieri concept. Its name comes from ‘eri’, which is Italian for ‘Jaguar’, and ‘Alfi’ which is Italian for ‘bit of a rip-off of’.

Volkswagen surprised showgoers with the unusual T-ROC concept. ‘The name comes from a German expression for lowering your testicles onto someone’s face, like so,’ said a spkoesman. ‘Wait. Why are you running away?’

Gen14NewTTMcLaren showed off the new 650S and announced that it will be followed by a model marking Ron Dennis’s return to their Formula 1 team, called the 650T. ‘The T stands for tidy,’ a spsokemna confirmed.

Mini wheeled out the Clubman concept which the company says is  a work in progress. With that in mind, that show visitors are invited to add a new grille, shape or interior feature of their own. ‘We’re hoping to beat our own benchmark for exhaustingly busy design,’ said an over-styled speakmons.

Volvo revealed the Concept Estate, a one-off designed to reflected one of the company’s great traditions. In this case, their great tradition of announcing yet another fucking concept car.

Finally, Apple used the Geneva Show to reveal details of its new CarPlay system which is the next step in iPhone / car integration and should enable users to shout ‘Play Roxanne… PLAY… ROXANNE… No! Do not call Robin! Cancel! CANCEL! Robin, hello mate, sorry, erm, my stupid car just called you, erm…. So, umm… How’s tricks?’ whilst keeping both hands on the wheel.


The 2014 Detroit Show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, January 14th, 2014

The Detroit Motoring Show is in Detroit. Here are some words from there.

Det14_TargaOne of the stars of the show was the return of a classic look for the Porsche 911, along with the use of the famous Targa name, which is Latin for hairpiece.

The big news from Fiat’s US branch office was the new Chrysler 200  saloon. ‘I believe this is a great automobile,’ said a senior Chrysler designer. ‘And I just can’t wait for our customers to rent one.’

Over on the Volkswagen stand, the main attraction was the Beetle Dune concept, although there was some confusion about the name. ‘Beaches?’ said a spokesman. ‘What are you talking about? You cannot get this car anywhere near sand, it would be ruined. Dune is German slang for a lady with a penis.’

Det14_BeetleDuneVolvo proudly showed off its new Concept XC Coupe which previews the look of the next XC90. ‘This car is inspired by research conducted amongst existing XC90 drivers,’ revealed a spokesperson. ‘That’s why the Concept XC Coupe can’t wait until its third child goes to boarding school and is secretly shagging its tennis instructor.’

Toyota announced the striking FT-1 which is tipped to become the new Supra with only the addition of production spec lights, mirrors and in-dash Rohypnol storage.

Audi showed off their Allroad Shooting Brake concept, a car that not only previews the look of the next TT but also heralds an expanded range of Allroad models to sit alongside existing models which only works on some roads. For example, ones that don’t have bumps on them.

Det14_KiaAnother show highlight came from Kia who revealed an exciting coupe concept called the GT4 Stinger. ‘This car was conceived one night over a curry,’ admitted a senior designer. ‘Although the name came to me the next day.’

Cadillac revealed the understated ATS Coupe along with a revised marque badge that gets rid of the wreath around the main design. ‘My nephew did that for me,’ said Cadillac loudly. ‘He’s good with computers you see. Are you Walt’s boy? You look like Walt. Whose legs are these?’

Mercedes showed off the new C-class along with a claim that the interior is so nice the car can detect what sort of trousers you are wearing and then decide not to let you in.

Finally, GM proudly announced the new Z06 version of the latest Corvette. ‘This is the greatest example of the greatest sportscar on the planet,’ said a spokesman. ‘Awww, bless,’ said the rest of the world.

German car makers under fire for Frankfurt

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, September 9th, 2013


Frankfurt, yesterday

German car makers are under fire today for  attempts to out-do each other with the size of their stands at the forthcoming Frankfurt motor show.

The first manufacturer to come under fire is Volkswagen after the car giant admitted that its stand will be so vast that getting from one end to the other is ‘a bit of a drive’.

VW’s largesse pales into insignificance, however, when compared to recently leaked plans for the Mercedes stand which show a construction so massive it will boast an Olympic-size swimming pool, two multiplex cinemas and a dedicated international airport allowing visitors to fly directly into the bit where the new S-class is on display. In order to accommodate such vastness, one insider confirmed that the stand’s ceiling is high enough ‘to have a moon in it’.

Despite this astonishing scale, the Mercedes exhibition area may not draw as much attention as the stand designed by rivals BMW which, according to insiders, takes the form of a specially built table the size of a football pitch onto which the company will repeatedly slap an enormous branded cock.

The New York Motor Show 2013

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, March 28th, 2013

The New York International Auto Show is an auto show which is international and in New York. Here is a report from there.

Picture editor to my office please

One of the biggest announcements at the show was the brand new Cadillac CTS which showcases the replacement for the company’s ‘Art & Science’ design philosophy dubbed ‘Math & Geography’. ‘The front represents a long division sum,’ said a spokesman. ‘The window area is inspired by quadratic equations and ox bow lakes and the trunk lid represents, yep, you guessed it, shifting subsistence cultivation in the densely forested highlands of the Congo Basin.’

The new Range Rover Sport attracted a great deal of media attention at the show with most observers agreeing that it looked very handsome. ‘I’m glad people like it because I designed all of it,’ claimed Design Director Geraldine McGovern. ‘I designed all of it on my own and no one helped me. You know the Evoque? I designed that as well. Do you like the Empire State Building? Good, because that was one of mine. Have you ever seen mountains? I designed those too. And waterfalls.’ For typical customers, new Sport prices will start at one week’s wages, minus your agent’s fee, and rise to just over 1 kilo, uncut.

Over on the Jaguar stand the big news was the track-biased XKR-S GT. This won’t be the last extreme version of the XK, however. ‘The XKR-S GT will be followed by an XKR-S GT2,’ said a spokesman. ‘And then an XKR-S GT2-R and then an XKR-S GT2R-S and finally an XKR-S GT2-R-S R which won’t have the massive rear wing because the rear axle will be pinned to the road by the weight of all the badges on the boot.’

The New York show brought further proof that the Koreans are not mucking about in their bid to destroy all other car companies with the arrival of a brand new Kia Soul which looked completely identical to the old model. ‘No, no, no. Look closer,’ said a spokesman. ‘The previous Soul was a great success for us but we realised the exterior door handles were 4mm too low so we destroyed all the tooling and designed a brand new car from scratch. Now they are perfect. Ha ha ha, all your base are belong to us,’ he added, mysteriously.

This event was the first public showing of the new and controversial Jeep Cherokee which attracted a range of comments from show goers including, ‘Why are its headlights following me around the room?’ and ‘Arrr! I think it just bit me!’ A Jeep spokesman admitted the new model may have been dropped on its roof as a prototype.

Finally, the main attraction on the Chevrolet stand was the new 7-litre, 500 horsepower Camaro Z/28 which is not only more powerful but also lighter after a range of weight-saving measures including deleted air-conditioning and removal of items normally found in the boot including carpet, gun rack, blood soaked rags and the hooker’s arm. For the benefit of European journalists unfamiliar with Camaro history,  a Chevy spokesman was able to clarify the meaning of the Z/28 name; ‘The zee stands for America,’ he shouted. ‘And the 28 stands for FUCK YEAH. Next question.’

Geneva Show round up

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, March 7th, 2013

The hybrid hypercar war between LaFerrari and the McLaren P1 has been won by the Lamborghini Veneno which unexpectedly showed its hybrid capability by turning from a car into a massive robot and destroying its rivals with a laser gun. It was later found out the back of the exhibition centre chatting up a 128kw emergency generator.

Rolls-Royce announced its new Ghost-based coupe, the Wraith, along with an explanation of the name; ‘Historically, a wraith is a kind of vulgar apparition,’ said a spokesman. ‘And it has a slightly odd arse.’

AMG has announced plans for 30 new models over the next four years. This unprecedented expansion means that by 2017 every car Mercedes sells will be an AMG. Financial experts are already advising investors to move their money into tyres and traction control light bulbs.

Just two months after creating 800 jobs at its Solihull plant, Land Rover used the Geneva Motoring Show to announce it is looking for another 700 people to work at its new engine factory in the West Midlands. ‘This is an extraordinary announcement,’ said automotive maths expert Professor Ken Freeply of Nigel Havers College, Kettering. ‘According to my extrapolations, at this rate by 2030 everyone in Britain will work for Land Rover. And if the expansion continues at the current rate, the government will have to relax immigration laws just to allow in enough people to satisfy Land Rover’s voracious appetite for employees.’ Prof. Freeply later denied that his calculations were ‘shit’.

After receiving criticism from the British media for naming its new small concept car the Provo, Kia has admitted its mistake and changed the name of the car to the L-Qaeda. ‘What?’ said a spokesman, indignantly.

Honda showed off the Civic Tourer though a spokesman was quick to point out that it is absolutely not a production car, no siree. ‘This is a concept,’ he said. ‘It’s a chance for our designers to run wild with crazy features such as a tax disc holder and prices that start at £19,860 on the road.’

Jaguar boss Adrian Hallmark-Cards justified the pricing of the forthcoming F-type sports car which many have called too expensive. ‘There is a good reason for these prices,’ Hallmark-Cards explained. ‘What we discovered is that many of our customers have quite a lot of money and we decided it might be nice to take it off them in exchange for a car. So, what we did was look at the cost of developing and making F-type, divided that across the number we plan to make and then added an amount on top which we’re calling a ‘profit’. It’s a new strategy for Jaguar but one which we think might work.’

Finally, Porsche showed off the new 911 GT3 which features a 468bhp 3.8-litre engine, a PDK twin-clutch gearbox, a brand new four-wheel steer system and a lightweight pot of lube in the glovebox to make life easier for car journalists when they test drive it.

Geneva Show preview

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, March 1st, 2013

The Geneva Show of Geneva starts next week in Geneva. If you’re going, here are a few of the expected highlights:

Halle 1 should be high on your ‘must visit’ list, especially if you want to see Klaus Grüber from Wolfenbüttel in Germany who will be sporting a thick and quite extraordinary mass of hair which remains scrupulously short at the front and sides, yet tumbles with abandon like a greasy waterfall over his collar at the back.

Also from the file marked ‘essential’ is a visit to the far back corner of Halle 2 where you may catch a glimpse of Dieter Bödeker from Kapfenburg in Austria who will be showing off a mane of peroxide-ravaged hair which explodes from his head in an exuberant manner, giving him the appearance of a camp lion. There are unconfirmed rumours that Dieter may also wear a very particular style of black leather biker jacket as if he has just escaped from a 1980s music video.

Halle 4 is your destination if you want to catch a glimpse of local man Karl Schuler from Lausanne who will be showcasing a simply extraordinary moustache that, from a distance, might fool onlookers into thinking he has a medium-sized Labradoodle gaffer-taped to his top lip. All indications are that Karl will build on the attraction of his immense facial topiary by showcasing a pair of stridently red trousers that are fractionally too short and give onlookers a tasty glimpse of his white towelling socks.

A day at Geneva’s Geneva Show wouldn’t be complete without a trip to Halle 7 where you stand a good chance of seeing Erjon Haxhi of Tirana, Albania who will be teaming a purple leather jacket with black leather trousers and a lengthy display of black curly hair into which he appears to have rubbed over 17 kilos of butter.

Finally, it will be well worth ending your tour of the show with a quick trip to Halle 6 where you might catch Johanna Kappmeier of Munich with her eye-catching combination of incredibly bright blonde hair in a highly gelled style that makes her look like Brigitte Nielsen’s shit sister, teamed with a pair of extremely elaborate and unusually shaped glasses that you simply wouldn’t be able to buy in the UK.

The Geneva foreigners show runs until 17 March 2013.

Beijing Motor Show 2012

Posted in Motorshows, News by Wurke Esperiense on Monday, April 30th, 2012

The 2012 Beijing Motor Show is in Beijing. Sniff Petrol sent expendable correspondent Wurke Esperiense to report on the state of the Chinese car industry.

The Chinese car industry is moving fast. Almost as fast as the men who came to my hotel room and went through my computer. China is great. Everything is normal. Go about your business.

One of the largest local companies exhibiting at Beijing is Fong Bum Motor Factor. Only two years ago their models looked awkward and unattractive because the company lacked experience in design. Now things are different – their models look awkward and unattractive because they’re straight copies of last generation BMWs. Typifying this new approach is their new 88X Milky Wolf which appears to use the front of an old 5-series and the back of a last generation X3, held together in the middle with aluminium sheeting and despair.

Over at Golden Shaft Motor Concern the big news was the Angry Birds Coke Mulberry 8, a luxury limousine that resembles a Mercedes S-class after a bereavement. Its maker says the design process was notable because only seven people died and they hope to have the car on sale in time for The Age of Undisclosed Plans.

Locally-based newcomer Lion Cock Motor Manufactory proudly showed their SurveillanceMonkey 88 family saloon which most onlookers agreed bore a striking resemblance to a Honda Accord after an unusual accident. The SM 88 features the regulation quantity of seats and an undecided number of doors. It will enter production when enough people have been rounded up.

The Chinese don’t typically go for sports cars unless specifically instructed otherwise but Roaring Fire Motor System from the Dirty Ho province hope to change all that with their Lethal Weasel X88 Moving Target. This bravely styled coupe claims to offer 300bhp with the promise of more if you give regular reports on the activities of your neighbours. It looks like a Nissan 370Z from a near-future in which all hope has been eradicated.

Making their first appearance in Beijing since the well-suppressed tragedy was Whispering Anus Motor Co-operative with their brand new large saloon, the W8-88X Vanished Relatives. The exterior clearly owes a large debt to Lexus and unnecessary violence whilst the interior features a number of unresolved issues and several poorly concealed microphones. The company claims to have sold over one million of these cars in the last month alone and will report anyone who says otherwise.

Finally, for practically-minded customers and government departments needing something easy to hose out, there was the Action Jackson 8-WX (Grievous Injury), a ‘multi-purpose utility system’ from Searing Agony Motor Agency. Boasting four individual seats in the cabin and a two metre square enclosed rear cargo area capable of accommodating ‘over 20 of those whose thoughts were incorrect’, the 8-WX is sure to cause everyone to reflect on what they’ve done.


If Wurke Esperiense’s parents are reading this, could you give us a call please. Fairly urgent.

Detroit Show 2011

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, January 13th, 2011

The Detroit Show, yesterday

The North American International Auto Show is as much of a fixture on Detroit’s calendar as the All American Expo of Gun Crime or the International Crack Whore Festival. This is what the Big Three got up to this year. At the car show, obviously. What they did at the guns and hookers things is basically unprintable.

Ford went in hard with ecological technology at Detroit this year, featuring a raft of new models including the Focus Mossfucker plug-in hybrid and the C-Max TreeHomo full electric minivan. The company also showcased a new efficiency technology for mainstream cars dubbed LameAssHippyTech and, on a different tack, a 6.2-litre supercharged variant of the F250 pick-up truck provisionally called the Super Awesome Let’s Fuckin’ Do This Thing HELL YEA!

Over at GM, green innovations were very much the order of the day with a new estate variant of the acclaimed Volt petrol-electric range extender hybrid called the Chevrolet Doucheman. The rapidly recovering auto giant also unveiled some clever electric car technology labeled PinkoCommieObamaTech and a raft of new mild hybrids which will wear the badge of the company’s new eco sub-brand, LiberalFaggot. It wasn’t all about the environment, however, as GM also unveiled a brand new 7-litre version of the GMC Yukon SUV called the Super Freedom Sweet Ass Truck God Bless America Edition Hammertime RAAAAAAAA!

Finally, the Chrysler stand was home to two facelifts, some second-hand Fiats and a sign saying ‘If you find our dignity please can we have it back’.

The 2002 Paris Motor Show with Roy Lanchester

Posted in Columns, Motorshows, Roy Lanchester by Roy Lanchester on Friday, September 27th, 2002

RoyLanchester01I have to admit that I didn’t expect to be invited to the Paris Motor Show since my relationship with a well known car manufacturer soured in a flurry of harsh words, unfortunate misunderstandings and a solicitor’s letter clarifying that the car was not mine to sell. Happily, when the Guild of Motoring Writers performed their annual review and discovered that several of their long standing members had been dead for over a decade I was able to scoop up one of their spare tickets and claim my flight to gay Paree. One of the advantages of being based in the North of England is that I can insist on a flight from Manchester. So whilst many of my fellow scribes are enduring just a short hop from Heathrow, my flight to Paris takes a good 30 minutes longer allowing the excellent flight crew to serve a delightful meal and several of those charming pocket sized bottles of wine.

Attending a foreign motor show is all about priorities and upon arrival in Paris my first priority was to find a lavatory. Suitably abluted I congratulated myself on having successfully pocketed four bottles of wine from the trolley on the aeroplane. Well, when in France… Polishing off the last of these cheeky vintages I was filled with the vigour necessary to face an international car show and set off immediately to size up some of the new models on display. However, I have to say here and now that my first impressions of Paris were not good. The main hall seemed bleak and bereft of the usual razzmatazz that we have come to expect from a major motoring event. In fact, as seems to be the disturbing modern way, many well known manufacturers had not even bothered to turn up and, typically, it was one of the home team who dominated proceedings, in this case Peugeot. Sadly even they didn’t appear to have put much effort into their display which consisted of just one lonely 307 SW on a plinth in the middle of a bare and unattractive arena surrounded by cheap plastic seating. I was even more disappointed to note that there were no bar or buffet facilities in the immediate area and I was forced to walk some 300 yards or so to a bar to order a revitalizing glass of red. As if that wasn’t enough, upon requesting a swift constitutional I was met with a demand for payment! The surly barkeep was in no mood for negotiation and pretended not to understand my expert command of his mother tongue, forcing me to cough up. I mentally composed a stiff letter to the head of Peugeot whilst cursing the swarthy attendant and his complete failure to understand the predicament of a man whose expenses have been drastically cut following the incident now known simply as ‘Mortgagegate’.

Praising the calming effect that one experiences when one has poured the last from a second bottle of la belle vin de France, I marched stoutly back into the main hall in search of more freshly unveiled metal. Once again I was disappointed. Once again I was forced to put my hand in my pocket for refreshments at another bar. Once again an uncouth security guard demanded to see my passport and issued a frankly rude warning about touching the female members of staff. Downcast, I had another look around the 307 SW and noted the irony of a motor show so bereft of cars yet so amply provided with shops selling watches, socks and Toblerone.

I have to confess that I was sorely disappointed with this year’s Paris Show, and indeed with the general attitude of the French people I encountered in several watering holes around the exhibition centre, although full marks for the ample seating throughout and special thanks to the two good natured British Airways staff who brought a plane around to just outside the main hall and then carried me on to it. Nonetheless, shame on you Paris. If I had wanted stark halls, dismal facilities and a depressing lack of new models I could have just waited for the Birmingham Show in a few weeks.