Archive for the ‘Motorshows’ Category

The 2015 Frankfurt motoring show part 2

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, September 16th, 2015

The Frankfurt motoring show still takes place in Germany. Here are some more newses from there.

Frankfurt, yesterday

Frankfurt, yesterday

Porsche gave the first public showing to the new, turbocharged 911 and confronted the conspicuous problem of what to do with the existing 911 Turbo. ‘It is simple,’ said a spokesman. ‘The 911 Turbo will receive a revolutionary new gearbox and a radical steering system and hence will be renamed the Porsche BoxSteer. Oh… Scheiße.’

Rolls-Royce was slow to pull the covers from it’s new convertible Wraith, the Dawn.‘It’s always darkest before the Dawn. Ow fuck. Ow!’ said a spokesman, banging his leg on a coffee table.

Renault showed off the new Megane. ‘Why would you buy a Golf when you could have this?’ asked a spokesman. ‘Oh dear, I seem to have answered my own question. Merde.’

On the Nissan stand all eyes were on the Gimpz concept. ‘It’s a chopper, baby. Zed’s dead, baby. Zed’s dead,’ said a spokesman mysteriously, before bumming Bruce Willis.

Over at Infiniti the big news was the Q30 small car which is vitally important for the company and of no importance whatsoever to anyone outside of it.

Finally, Volkswagen announced a new Golf GTI version called the Clubsport which is aimed at track day goers. To that end, the new model automatically uploads extremely boring footage to YouTube, having carefully edited out the bit where it made a total cock of the chicane and got overtaken by a badly modified MX5.

The 2015 Frankfurt motoring show part 1

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, September 15th, 2015

The Frankfurt Motoring Show takes place in Germany because that’s where Frankfurt is, you idiot. Here is some of the new news that is coming out of there. 

Frankfurt, yesterday

Frankfurt, yesterday

Bentley took the covers off the Bentayga, even though everyone begged them not to. The company says the new SUV will boast a range of exterior and interior finishes that will deliver unmatched vulgarity including the option of an interior ‘as orange as your wife’.

The big news for Jaguar was the reveal of the F-pace crossover. ‘This does not look like a traditional Jaguar and it will not drive like a traditional Jaguar,’ said a spokesman. ‘So ideally we’re hoping to attract people who hate Jaguars.’

Porsche wowed Frankfurt with the striking Mission E electric concept. ‘This is an electric car but also true to Porsche values,’ said a spokesman. ‘By which I mean, all the electricity is at the back.’

The big announcement from Toyota was the new Prius which causes only mild nausea if you don’t look at it directly. Customers in Islington will be able to buy the new car as a special Corbyn Edition which veers violently to the left and features a 4WD system that distributes torque equally amongst all wheels.

Volkswagen revealed its new Tiguan, designed for people who want a Golf that won’t fit in their garage. ‘The name Tiguan is a mixture of two words,’ said a spokesman. ‘’Tiger’, because it is strong, and ‘guano’, because it shits on the competition. I don’t mean that literally. Or do I…?’

Over at Ford the big news was a medium sized SUV called the Edge which features lots of delay on the engine note and a special top cover to disguise that the roof is thinning.

Centrepiece of the Alfa stand was the vital new Giulia saloon. ‘When it goes on sale this car will showcase the great heritage of Alfa Romeo,’ said a spokesman. ‘By which I mean, it was developed in just two years and isn’t finished.’

Honda showed off the exciting Project 2&4 which is inspired by the company’s motorsport programme. To that end, the designers promise that it is slower than at least 18 other cars.


The 2014 Paris motor show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, October 2nd, 2014

With its pick pockets, dog turds and extremely expensive drinks, Paris is rightly known as the city of romance. But it’s also the city of a motor show. This is a report from it. 

Paris14LamboOne of the surprise stars of the show was the Lamborghini Asterion which is billed as a hybrid as it combines the De Tomaso Pantera with a flagon of Paco Rabanne. ‘The name Asterion comes from mythology,’ said a spokesman. ‘It is the Greek god of YouTube clips depicting idiots driving too quickly around major cities.’

On the Honda stand, all talk was of the Civic Type R and new NSX, both of which the company promises will finally go on sale next year. Honda also says that next year it is ‘totally going to get my shit together and, like, finally move out of my parents’ house and, y’know, get down to my studies and become a marine biologist or something.’

Paris14TTSportbackThe big news over at Audi was the TT Sportback concept. ‘We are very pleased with this car,’ said a spokesman. ‘TT Sportback is dynamic and practical and also a type of southern German sexual practice that it is impossible to describe without some five spoons, a glove and a lot of newspaper.’

Mazda used the Paris to show off the new MX-5 and to confirm the new car’s engine range at last. For North America, the lightweight roadster will use a 2-litre petrol engine whilst for Europe it will come with a single cylinder diesel engine from a dumper truck. ‘There has been a horrible misunderstanding,’ said a spokesman.

On the Infiniti stand, the company known as ‘shit Lexus’ showed off the Q80 concept. ‘This is a car you could easily see in Infiniti showrooms,’ said a spokesman. ‘That’s why it’s been designed to attract almost no attention whatsoever.’

Paris14Fiat500XFiat took the covers off the new 500X and refused to put them back on again, no matter how much begging there was. The car is called the 500X is because it is 500 times more horrible than the original 500.

Over at Ferrari the big news was an open top version of their extreme 458, called the Speciale A. ‘The A stands for Aperta,’ confirmed a spokesman. ‘Which is the Italian for ‘anus’.’

Paris was the first public showing for the new Vauxhall Corsa which will come with a fresh range of trim names, designed to reflect the car’s classic customer base. ‘The range starts with Learner,’ confirmed a spokesman. ‘Then rises through Cretin, Moron, Simpleton and Tit.’

Paris14VWXLSportOne of the unexpected stars of Paris came from Volkswagen with their remarkable XL Sport concept which marries the lightweight body of the XL1 hybrid to a Ducati motorcycle engine. ‘Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaazing maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaachine,’ said a spokesman, before having to slow for another conversation and bogging down a bit.

Nissan showed off their Pulsar Nismo which is a standard Pulsar ‘taken to the extreme’. As such, the dashboard features an extra seven shades of grey whilst the engine produces ‘over 134 horsepower’.

Paris saw the announcement of the new Suzuki Vitara. ‘This car was designed for what in Japan we call ‘kanjisu aru’,’ said a spokesman. ‘This literally translates as ‘dresser of hair’.’

The 2014 Beijing Motor Show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Wurke Esperiense on Friday, April 25th, 2014

The Beijing Motor Show took place in Beijing this week. We sent expendable correspondent WURKE ESPERIENSE to look at the local offerings on display.

Beijing14_1One of the local stars here in Beijing was the new Fat Cok 8L from Massive Wasp Motor & Pre-school Hand Grenade Concern. This innovative SUV boasts an especially obedient interior, featuring a second row of seats that can fold, rotate and report you to the authorities. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that has been in a needless accident.

Bum Lik Automobile & Asbestos Baby Food Manufactory are a new company from the Chandler Bing province. Their Girl’s Hat 8J is an entry level model that will be offered through an innovative lease scheme in which customers use the car when they need it and return it when they want their relatives back. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that has received some terrible news.

Beijing14_2The Rist Tits 88K is a new crossover model from Furious Monkey Child Motor System & Detention Center boasting a unique hybrid system that runs on a combination of electricity and fear. The interior is equally interesting with a dashboard designed primarily to record your conversations. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that suspects more strangers have been in its house while it was out.

Glorious Crow Vehicle & Poisonous Water Industry were displaying a revised version of the Dog Zhit 300 which now has larger headlights, fewer rotating knives and a more easily wipeable interior. The new model also has a lower price, emotionally. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that has seen some truly awful things happen to its parents.

Beijing14_3Finally, Beijing marked the debut of the all-new 88 Liam Neeson Starbucks iPhone X from Mary Berry Car, Truck & Nerve Agent Concern. This striking saloon-coupe-SUV hybrid features a below average number of sharp edges and can be made to go in the direction you would like with a series of bribes. It resembles a Toyota RAV4 that has long since ceased to be wistful and is now slipping inexorably into a state of deep despair.

Two men have been following me ever since I arrived here. Please send help.

The 2014 Geneva Show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

The Geneva Motoring Show is a chance for car journalists to check that all the press releases and pictures of new cars they received two weeks ago are actually true whilst perhaps fitting in some light skiing if there’s time. Here is an report.

Gen14VauxAstraExtremeOpel showed off a new high performance concept which is called the Astra Extreme, not because it has over 300 horsepower but because of its views on immigration. ‘They’re really quite strong,’ warned a spokesman.

Geneva was the first public showing for the BMW 2-series Active Tourer which is not only the firm’s first own-brand front-wheel-drive car but also their first named after someone who hangs around public lavatories.

Over at Jeep the big news was the compact Renegade model. ‘Back once again for the Renegade master, D4 damager, power to the people. Back once again for the Renegade master, D4 damager, with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour,’ said a spokesmna. ‘Ba-bo-de-fo-pow-oh-dee-fo, bbbbbdddddd,’ he added mysteriously.

Gen14TwingoOn the Renault stand all attention as focused on the new, rear-engined Twingo city car. The new model will go on sale initially in ‘Paris’ trim which features pre-scuffed bodywork, factory damaged bumpers and an interior that smells of cigarettes and stylish rudeness.

There was a treat for spot the difference fans on the Audi stand as the German firm revealed the new TT. Following feedback from the model’s core customer base, which is air hostesses, the new car features doors here, here and a single door at the rear whilst all trim levels come with TFT instruments, LED headlights and a whistle for attracting attention. ‘Please remember to get into your own TT before helping others to get into theirs,’ said a spekosman.

Gen14ToyotaAygoOver at the Toyota stand it was the world premier of the new and mysteriously X-faced Aygo which promises practicality, economy and to avenge the death of its ancestors.

Maserati showed off the exciting, full-hipped Alfieri concept. Its name comes from ‘eri’, which is Italian for ‘Jaguar’, and ‘Alfi’ which is Italian for ‘bit of a rip-off of’.

Volkswagen surprised showgoers with the unusual T-ROC concept. ‘The name comes from a German expression for lowering your testicles onto someone’s face, like so,’ said a spkoesman. ‘Wait. Why are you running away?’

Gen14NewTTMcLaren showed off the new 650S and announced that it will be followed by a model marking Ron Dennis’s return to their Formula 1 team, called the 650T. ‘The T stands for tidy,’ a spsokemna confirmed.

Mini wheeled out the Clubman concept which the company says is  a work in progress. With that in mind, that show visitors are invited to add a new grille, shape or interior feature of their own. ‘We’re hoping to beat our own benchmark for exhaustingly busy design,’ said an over-styled speakmons.

Volvo revealed the Concept Estate, a one-off designed to reflected one of the company’s great traditions. In this case, their great tradition of announcing yet another fucking concept car.

Finally, Apple used the Geneva Show to reveal details of its new CarPlay system which is the next step in iPhone / car integration and should enable users to shout ‘Play Roxanne… PLAY… ROXANNE… No! Do not call Robin! Cancel! CANCEL! Robin, hello mate, sorry, erm, my stupid car just called you, erm…. So, umm… How’s tricks?’ whilst keeping both hands on the wheel.


The 2014 Detroit Show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, January 14th, 2014

The Detroit Motoring Show is in Detroit. Here are some words from there.

Det14_TargaOne of the stars of the show was the return of a classic look for the Porsche 911, along with the use of the famous Targa name, which is Latin for hairpiece.

The big news from Fiat’s US branch office was the new Chrysler 200  saloon. ‘I believe this is a great automobile,’ said a senior Chrysler designer. ‘And I just can’t wait for our customers to rent one.’

Over on the Volkswagen stand, the main attraction was the Beetle Dune concept, although there was some confusion about the name. ‘Beaches?’ said a spokesman. ‘What are you talking about? You cannot get this car anywhere near sand, it would be ruined. Dune is German slang for a lady with a penis.’

Det14_BeetleDuneVolvo proudly showed off its new Concept XC Coupe which previews the look of the next XC90. ‘This car is inspired by research conducted amongst existing XC90 drivers,’ revealed a spokesperson. ‘That’s why the Concept XC Coupe can’t wait until its third child goes to boarding school and is secretly shagging its tennis instructor.’

Toyota announced the striking FT-1 which is tipped to become the new Supra with only the addition of production spec lights, mirrors and in-dash Rohypnol storage.

Audi showed off their Allroad Shooting Brake concept, a car that not only previews the look of the next TT but also heralds an expanded range of Allroad models to sit alongside existing models which only works on some roads. For example, ones that don’t have bumps on them.

Det14_KiaAnother show highlight came from Kia who revealed an exciting coupe concept called the GT4 Stinger. ‘This car was conceived one night over a curry,’ admitted a senior designer. ‘Although the name came to me the next day.’

Cadillac revealed the understated ATS Coupe along with a revised marque badge that gets rid of the wreath around the main design. ‘My nephew did that for me,’ said Cadillac loudly. ‘He’s good with computers you see. Are you Walt’s boy? You look like Walt. Whose legs are these?’

Mercedes showed off the new C-class along with a claim that the interior is so nice the car can detect what sort of trousers you are wearing and then decide not to let you in.

Finally, GM proudly announced the new Z06 version of the latest Corvette. ‘This is the greatest example of the greatest sportscar on the planet,’ said a spokesman. ‘Awww, bless,’ said the rest of the world.

German car makers under fire for Frankfurt

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, September 9th, 2013


Frankfurt, yesterday

German car makers are under fire today for  attempts to out-do each other with the size of their stands at the forthcoming Frankfurt motor show.

The first manufacturer to come under fire is Volkswagen after the car giant admitted that its stand will be so vast that getting from one end to the other is ‘a bit of a drive’.

VW’s largesse pales into insignificance, however, when compared to recently leaked plans for the Mercedes stand which show a construction so massive it will boast an Olympic-size swimming pool, two multiplex cinemas and a dedicated international airport allowing visitors to fly directly into the bit where the new S-class is on display. In order to accommodate such vastness, one insider confirmed that the stand’s ceiling is high enough ‘to have a moon in it’.

Despite this astonishing scale, the Mercedes exhibition area may not draw as much attention as the stand designed by rivals BMW which, according to insiders, takes the form of a specially built table the size of a football pitch onto which the company will repeatedly slap an enormous branded cock.

The New York Motor Show 2013

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, March 28th, 2013

The New York International Auto Show is an auto show which is international and in New York. Here is a report from there.

Picture editor to my office please

One of the biggest announcements at the show was the brand new Cadillac CTS which showcases the replacement for the company’s ‘Art & Science’ design philosophy dubbed ‘Math & Geography’. ‘The front represents a long division sum,’ said a spokesman. ‘The window area is inspired by quadratic equations and ox bow lakes and the trunk lid represents, yep, you guessed it, shifting subsistence cultivation in the densely forested highlands of the Congo Basin.’

The new Range Rover Sport attracted a great deal of media attention at the show with most observers agreeing that it looked very handsome. ‘I’m glad people like it because I designed all of it,’ claimed Design Director Geraldine McGovern. ‘I designed all of it on my own and no one helped me. You know the Evoque? I designed that as well. Do you like the Empire State Building? Good, because that was one of mine. Have you ever seen mountains? I designed those too. And waterfalls.’ For typical customers, new Sport prices will start at one week’s wages, minus your agent’s fee, and rise to just over 1 kilo, uncut.

Over on the Jaguar stand the big news was the track-biased XKR-S GT. This won’t be the last extreme version of the XK, however. ‘The XKR-S GT will be followed by an XKR-S GT2,’ said a spokesman. ‘And then an XKR-S GT2-R and then an XKR-S GT2R-S and finally an XKR-S GT2-R-S R which won’t have the massive rear wing because the rear axle will be pinned to the road by the weight of all the badges on the boot.’

The New York show brought further proof that the Koreans are not mucking about in their bid to destroy all other car companies with the arrival of a brand new Kia Soul which looked completely identical to the old model. ‘No, no, no. Look closer,’ said a spokesman. ‘The previous Soul was a great success for us but we realised the exterior door handles were 4mm too low so we destroyed all the tooling and designed a brand new car from scratch. Now they are perfect. Ha ha ha, all your base are belong to us,’ he added, mysteriously.

This event was the first public showing of the new and controversial Jeep Cherokee which attracted a range of comments from show goers including, ‘Why are its headlights following me around the room?’ and ‘Arrr! I think it just bit me!’ A Jeep spokesman admitted the new model may have been dropped on its roof as a prototype.

Finally, the main attraction on the Chevrolet stand was the new 7-litre, 500 horsepower Camaro Z/28 which is not only more powerful but also lighter after a range of weight-saving measures including deleted air-conditioning and removal of items normally found in the boot including carpet, gun rack, blood soaked rags and the hooker’s arm. For the benefit of European journalists unfamiliar with Camaro history,  a Chevy spokesman was able to clarify the meaning of the Z/28 name; ‘The zee stands for America,’ he shouted. ‘And the 28 stands for FUCK YEAH. Next question.’

Geneva Show round up

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, March 7th, 2013

The hybrid hypercar war between LaFerrari and the McLaren P1 has been won by the Lamborghini Veneno which unexpectedly showed its hybrid capability by turning from a car into a massive robot and destroying its rivals with a laser gun. It was later found out the back of the exhibition centre chatting up a 128kw emergency generator.

Rolls-Royce announced its new Ghost-based coupe, the Wraith, along with an explanation of the name; ‘Historically, a wraith is a kind of vulgar apparition,’ said a spokesman. ‘And it has a slightly odd arse.’

AMG has announced plans for 30 new models over the next four years. This unprecedented expansion means that by 2017 every car Mercedes sells will be an AMG. Financial experts are already advising investors to move their money into tyres and traction control light bulbs.

Just two months after creating 800 jobs at its Solihull plant, Land Rover used the Geneva Motoring Show to announce it is looking for another 700 people to work at its new engine factory in the West Midlands. ‘This is an extraordinary announcement,’ said automotive maths expert Professor Ken Freeply of Nigel Havers College, Kettering. ‘According to my extrapolations, at this rate by 2030 everyone in Britain will work for Land Rover. And if the expansion continues at the current rate, the government will have to relax immigration laws just to allow in enough people to satisfy Land Rover’s voracious appetite for employees.’ Prof. Freeply later denied that his calculations were ‘shit’.

After receiving criticism from the British media for naming its new small concept car the Provo, Kia has admitted its mistake and changed the name of the car to the L-Qaeda. ‘What?’ said a spokesman, indignantly.

Honda showed off the Civic Tourer though a spokesman was quick to point out that it is absolutely not a production car, no siree. ‘This is a concept,’ he said. ‘It’s a chance for our designers to run wild with crazy features such as a tax disc holder and prices that start at £19,860 on the road.’

Jaguar boss Adrian Hallmark-Cards justified the pricing of the forthcoming F-type sports car which many have called too expensive. ‘There is a good reason for these prices,’ Hallmark-Cards explained. ‘What we discovered is that many of our customers have quite a lot of money and we decided it might be nice to take it off them in exchange for a car. So, what we did was look at the cost of developing and making F-type, divided that across the number we plan to make and then added an amount on top which we’re calling a ‘profit’. It’s a new strategy for Jaguar but one which we think might work.’

Finally, Porsche showed off the new 911 GT3 which features a 468bhp 3.8-litre engine, a PDK twin-clutch gearbox, a brand new four-wheel steer system and a lightweight pot of lube in the glovebox to make life easier for car journalists when they test drive it.

Geneva Show preview

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, March 1st, 2013

The Geneva Show of Geneva starts next week in Geneva. If you’re going, here are a few of the expected highlights:

Halle 1 should be high on your ‘must visit’ list, especially if you want to see Klaus Grüber from Wolfenbüttel in Germany who will be sporting a thick and quite extraordinary mass of hair which remains scrupulously short at the front and sides, yet tumbles with abandon like a greasy waterfall over his collar at the back.

Also from the file marked ‘essential’ is a visit to the far back corner of Halle 2 where you may catch a glimpse of Dieter Bödeker from Kapfenburg in Austria who will be showing off a mane of peroxide-ravaged hair which explodes from his head in an exuberant manner, giving him the appearance of a camp lion. There are unconfirmed rumours that Dieter may also wear a very particular style of black leather biker jacket as if he has just escaped from a 1980s music video.

Halle 4 is your destination if you want to catch a glimpse of local man Karl Schuler from Lausanne who will be showcasing a simply extraordinary moustache that, from a distance, might fool onlookers into thinking he has a medium-sized Labradoodle gaffer-taped to his top lip. All indications are that Karl will build on the attraction of his immense facial topiary by showcasing a pair of stridently red trousers that are fractionally too short and give onlookers a tasty glimpse of his white towelling socks.

A day at Geneva’s Geneva Show wouldn’t be complete without a trip to Halle 7 where you stand a good chance of seeing Erjon Haxhi of Tirana, Albania who will be teaming a purple leather jacket with black leather trousers and a lengthy display of black curly hair into which he appears to have rubbed over 17 kilos of butter.

Finally, it will be well worth ending your tour of the show with a quick trip to Halle 6 where you might catch Johanna Kappmeier of Munich with her eye-catching combination of incredibly bright blonde hair in a highly gelled style that makes her look like Brigitte Nielsen’s shit sister, teamed with a pair of extremely elaborate and unusually shaped glasses that you simply wouldn’t be able to buy in the UK.

The Geneva foreigners show runs until 17 March 2013.