Archive for the ‘News’ Category

George Osborne to supply F1 engines

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, March 17th, 2017

George Osborne, yesterday

There was shock in F1 today with news that George Osborne is to become McLaren’s engine supplier.

The weak-faced, have-you-been-swimming-haired MP is to supply hybrid V6 power units for the Woking-based team with immediate effect, despite having no experience whatsoever of designing and building extremely complicated competition engines for top-level motorsport.

‘George Osborne hasn’t the first clue how to make a high-revving internal combustion engine engine allied to a sophisticated energy recovery system,’ said one critic. ‘But, in fairness, he’ll still do a better job than Honda.’

‘That’s exactly the sort of predictable punchline you’d expect from someone with no relevant experience,’ said a source, speaking after the announcement that the new Sniff Petrol editor is George Osborne.

Auto Draft

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, March 15th, 2017

McLaren Cars to let F1 team sleep on its sofa for a bit

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, March 14th, 2017

The McLaren factory, yesterday

The road car division of McLaren has offered to let its sister Formula 1 team sleep on its sofa for a bit, at least until it gets its ‘life back together’.

‘Things are going really well for McLaren Automotive at the moment,’ said a close friend. ‘But Racing is having a terrible time and Automotive feels guilty about that, which is why it’s said Racing can sleep on its sofa, at least until it’s sorted out this awful relationship it seems to be stuck in.’

Those close to McLaren Automotive say the successful road car maker has told Racing it is free to stay for as long as it wants and is welcome to use any of its stuff. ‘Automotive even said Racing could borrow one or two of its engines,’ revealed an insider. ‘But of course they won’t because they keep pretending everything is fine and making excuses like, “Oooh, we’d love to but it’s against the regulations” or “We would, but we don’t want to upset you-know-who”. It’s pathetic.’

McLaren Racing’s current troubles have not gone unnoticed by Ron Dennis, ousted as head of the F1 team but still in charge at the road car division. ‘I am generating a quantity of the spontaneous human emission known as laughter,’ he noted recently. ‘Ha ha ha etcetera.’

2017 Geneva Motoring Show round-up

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, March 8th, 2017

The Geneva Show is the highlight of the car calendar for all motoring journalists who want to brush up on their skiing and their ability to put a 12 quid beer onto a room bill someone else is picking up. Here is a quick report from there.

Pictures by YouTube star Lysander Higuys

One of the surprises of the show came from Bentley who showed off the EXP12 Speed 6e electric car concept. ‘Adding electric motors and several batteries allows us to deliver exactly what customers expect from our cars,’ said a spokesman. ‘By which I mean, heaviness.’

McLaren took the covers off its 650 replacement, the 720S. Ron Dennis will use this car to remind people he still works at the road car division by making it ‘extra tidy’ and insisting the brochure says it ‘delivers a quantity (more…)

PSA gets good deal on Vauxhall

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, March 6th, 2017

An Vauxhall garage, yesterday

PSA is to buy Vauxhall after securing an attractive 0 percent finance offer which the salesman said was only available this week.

Insiders say PSA will be unable to spec Vauxhall to its own requirements, as it is being taken from stock and has already been registered. However, bosses at the French manufacturer were able to haggle so that Vauxhall will come with some carpet mats and a bunch of flowers for their wives.

Sources in Paris say that PSA has been going around telling friends that it got ‘a really good deal’ on Vauxhall and his ignored criticism from someone on an internet who ‘knows about cars’ and who has asked why the French giant ‘didn’t get Audi’.

‘We don’t care about depreciation,’ PSA is reported to have said after signing the paperwork for its Vauxhall earlier today. ‘As long as we like it, that’s the main thing’.

Auto Draft

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, February 28th, 2017

Loud telephone ringing sound is coming from that car

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, February 24th, 2017

Reports from the local area today suggest that the surprisingly loud sound of a telephone ringing is coming from that car.

‘There’s a surprisingly loud telephone ringing sound,’ noted local resident Besty Knees. ‘And it’s coming from that car’.

‘It’s very strange,’ added another local, Gresman Ptave. ‘You couldn’t hear the stereo from outside the car, but as soon as the driver dialled someone on the hands free system, you could hear a surprisingly loud telephone ringing coming from the car.’

Sources in the local area say that the telephone ringing sound coming from that car abruptly stopped and you couldn’t hear the actual people speaking on the phone, even though just seconds earlier you could hear the surprisingly loud telephone ringing sound.

Ferrari announces new naming policy

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, February 21st, 2017

An Ferrari 812 Superfast, yesterday

Just days after announcing its new 789 horsepower 812 Superfast, Ferrari has revealed plans to rebadge all of its cars with a random number and then a statement of the bleeding obvious.

First to be renamed is the GTC4 Lusso which becomes the 536 Depreciatione, followed by the California which is re-labelled the 273 MiamiDentiste.

The 488 GTB will become the 679 AgeingDivorcee whilst its convertible sister will become the 684 Doing67InTheInsideLane.

The new naming policy will even extend to Ferrari’s forthcoming 2017 F1 car which is tipped to be called the 982 DisappointingThirdWahWahWahWhyWon’tEVeryoneElseLetUsWin?

 

PSA looks forward to buying identical company

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, February 15th, 2017

How the new company logo might look, yesterday

Following confirmation that PSA is engaged in negotiations to take over Vauxhall/Opel in Europe, sources in Paris say that the French company is keen to inexplicably acquire a company that’s exactly the same as itself.

‘This is a perfect fit,’ explained PSA spokesman Pierre Saye-Spowksmeun. ‘GM Europe is a company that struggles to make a profit as a result of high costs, too much capacity in heavily unionised factories and a unattractively middle-market image so they would be a great addition to PSA, which is a company that struggles to make a profit as a result of high costs, too much capacity in heavily unionised factories and a unattractively middle-market image.’

Insiders say PSA is particularly attracted to the GM Europe because of the natural alignment between their current range, which used to look shit but is now more attractive and which is often sold at a discount, and the Peugeot-Citroen model line-up, which used to look shit but is now more attractive and which is often sold at a discount.

‘Separately, we are two companies fighting each other in the same dwindling and uninspiring area of the market,’ explained one high-ranking insider. ‘But together, we are one big company fighting itself for the same in the same dwindling and uninspiring area of the market.’

Interestingly, a GM Europe / PSA merger would create Europe’s second largest car maker, and the biggest when measured by thin interior plastic consumption.

McLaren being ‘de-Ronned’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, February 8th, 2017

Ron Dennis, yesterday

With confirmation this week that Jost Capito has been ousted from his role at McLaren, new boss Zak Brown continues in his quest turn around the ailing F1 team with a programme known as ‘de-Ronning’.

Brown’s other measures to ‘de-Ron’ the team are said to include a policy of leaving some battered old shoes and a pile of dirty laundry by the door in the reception area, just next to the very worn chairs and a wonky table bearing some old magazines, many of which are missing the cover and are not in chronological order.

‘Since Zak took over, the menu in the staff canteen has changed too,’ admitted one insider. ‘Now, the only things they serve are croissants, jam doughnuts and Cadbury’s Flakes. And we have to eat them at our desks. Without using a plate.’

Another source reveals that staff are now encouraged to ‘leave fingerprints’, ‘spill things’ and ‘accidentally walk dog shit’ into the factory.

The final part of Brown’s ‘de-Ron’ policy is a strict instruction for all team personnel to use one word to describe something instead of five, one of which isn’t really a word, and a radical new plan to stop torturing Fernando Alonso with a terrible F1 car.