Archive for the ‘News’ Category

PSA looks forward to buying identical company

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, February 15th, 2017

How the new company logo might look, yesterday

Following confirmation that PSA is engaged in negotiations to take over Vauxhall/Opel in Europe, sources in Paris say that the French company is keen to inexplicably acquire a company that’s exactly the same as itself.

‘This is a perfect fit,’ explained PSA spokesman Pierre Saye-Spowksmeun. ‘GM Europe is a company that struggles to make a profit as a result of high costs, too much capacity in heavily unionised factories and a unattractively middle-market image so they would be a great addition to PSA, which is a company that struggles to make a profit as a result of high costs, too much capacity in heavily unionised factories and a unattractively middle-market image.’

Insiders say PSA is particularly attracted to the GM Europe because of the natural alignment between their current range, which used to look shit but is now more attractive and which is often sold at a discount, and the Peugeot-Citroen model line-up, which used to look shit but is now more attractive and which is often sold at a discount.

‘Separately, we are two companies fighting each other in the same dwindling and uninspiring area of the market,’ explained one high-ranking insider. ‘But together, we are one big company fighting itself for the same in the same dwindling and uninspiring area of the market.’

Interestingly, a GM Europe / PSA merger would create Europe’s second largest car maker, and the biggest when measured by thin interior plastic consumption.

McLaren being ‘de-Ronned’

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, February 8th, 2017

Ron Dennis, yesterday

With confirmation this week that Jost Capito has been ousted from his role at McLaren, new boss Zak Brown continues in his quest turn around the ailing F1 team with a programme known as ‘de-Ronning’.

Brown’s other measures to ‘de-Ron’ the team are said to include a policy of leaving some battered old shoes and a pile of dirty laundry by the door in the reception area, just next to the very worn chairs and a wonky table bearing some old magazines, many of which are missing the cover and are not in chronological order.

‘Since Zak took over, the menu in the staff canteen has changed too,’ admitted one insider. ‘Now, the only things they serve are croissants, jam doughnuts and Cadbury’s Flakes. And we have to eat them at our desks. Without using a plate.’

Another source reveals that staff are now encouraged to ‘leave fingerprints’, ‘spill things’ and ‘accidentally walk dog shit’ into the factory.

The final part of Brown’s ‘de-Ron’ policy is a strict instruction for all team personnel to use one word to describe something instead of five, one of which isn’t really a word, and a radical new plan to stop torturing Fernando Alonso with a terrible F1 car.

F1 can’t wait to find out how Ecclestone is going to somehow regain control of everything

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, February 2nd, 2017

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

There was excitement in Formula 1 today as teams and drivers eagerly awaited the way in which Bernie Ecclestone will somehow regain control of the sport.

‘It’s only a matter of time,’ said one paddock insider. ‘And we can’t wait to see what Bernie’s got up his sleeve to re-gain unilateral control of the sport he erroneously believes to be his in perpetuity,’ they added, wordily.

Current theories about the way in which Ecclestone will somehow get control of F1 again just when everyone thought we’d seen the back of him include ‘bloodless coup’, ‘blood-filled coup’ and ‘some kind of moustache trap’.

‘My money is on discovering he’s the main shareholder of Liberty, and that he’s suddenly able to sell the sport back to himself,’ said another anonymous source. ‘However it happens, we can’t wait to see how Bernie inevitably regains control of F1 and then manages to be a massive prick about it.’

Trump to ban European cars

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Monday, January 30th, 2017

Trump, yesterday

President Donald Trump is poised to sign an executive order banning European cars from landing on US soil in a move the White House says will ‘prevent them from running down US citizens’.

‘Only last week, a car ran down an American outside a drug store in Houston, Texas. I grant you, the car was not made in Europe, but this is the kind of thing that stops now. Period,’ explained a spokesman for the shit-haired piss-enthusiast. ‘And you can tell I’m one of those witless asshats who tries to sound no-nonsense because I say period at the end of sentences as if that makes them more weighty. Period.’

Generalissimo Trump’s new order is bad news for the thousands of European-made cars currently on ships heading for the United States which may now have to turn round in a move that White House sources say will ‘guarantee the safety of millions of Americans by allowing them to cross streets without looking’.

‘I have in my hand a piece of paper,’ said British Prime Minister Theresa May, returning from a meeting with Mr Trump by getting off a propeller-engined aeroplane in black and white.

Ford Mustang crash test disaster

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, January 25th, 2017

An Mustang does an crash test, yesterday

The Ford Mustang has been awarded just two stars in Euro NCAP crash tests after analysts found a ‘a bunch of guns’ kept falling out of the glovebox.

In the frontal offset barrier crash, testers noted that the Mustang’s airbags failed to inflate correctly and also that a loaded Ruger SR22 dropped out of the glovebox and started loosing off rounds across the interior.

The car faired little better in head-on frontal barrier test where it was noted that the rear seat pre-tensioners and load limiters failed to perform their functions and also that a Glock 19 flew from the glovebox and shot a hole in the ceiling.

Finally, in the side impact test, it was observed that the side airbags failed to prevent the head of a child-size dummy from contacting the interior trim, and also that Beretta 9mm Nano fell onto the floor and shot the dummy in the chest.

‘This two star crash test rating is weird,’ said a puzzled spokesman from Ford HQ. ‘In the US this car gets the full five stars.’

F1 in chaos as Ecclestone ousted

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, January 24th, 2017

Bernie Ecclestone, yesterday

There was chaos in F1 today as drivers and team personnel struggled desperately to think of something nice to say about sacked despot Bernie Ecclestone.

‘I was erring towards, “He did a lot for the sport”,’ explained one team principal. ‘But some bastard got that one first so now I’ll have to come up with another blandly non-committal pleasantry that doesn’t sound too much like “greedy little prick”.’

‘I was going to try, “the sport won’t be the same without him”,’ admitted one current driver. ‘I mean, it’s vague, it’s accurate, and it manages not to contain the words “manipulative little tit”.’

‘I suppose we could get away with, “It’s truly the end of an era” if we put an exclamation mark at the end to hide our feeling of relief behind a false sense of surprise,’ noted another team boss. ‘Unless of course there’s a more polite way of saying “spiteful little shit”?’

‘We’ll always be indebted to Bernie,’ noted a former manager at the Manor team. ‘No, really. That’s why I’m on my way to the dole office. What a toddler haircut twat. I mean, erm, “Wow, what a legacy!”’

Massa spotted behaving strangely

Posted in Motorsport, News by Sniff Petrol on Thursday, January 19th, 2017

Felipe Massa, yesterday

There was confusion in Brazil this week as Felipe Massa was seen emerging from a restaurant after a long meal, and then immediately going back in and returning to his table even though he had clearly finished.

‘I just don’t know why he went back in again,’ said one onlooker, Juan Enlouka. ‘He’d had a long time at the table already, surely he should have given it to someone else?’

‘I don’t understand why the restaurant would let him back in,’ said another witness. ‘Sure, he usually finishes every meal, if not always very quickly, but now it should be someone else’s turn to eat.’

Massa’s restaurant return is just one of several unusual things the panda-like driver has been spotted doing this week. ‘I gather Felipe was seen going into a public lavatory for some time, then he came out, turned around and went straight back in again, even though there were several younger people outside who deserved to use the facilities,’ explained Maurice Ital of Every Other Sunday magazine. ‘I hear that later the same day he was spotted coming out of a phone box and then immediately going back in, even though there was someone else who could have used the phone and would have made a quicker call.’

Reports of Massa’s apparent desire to go back into places he should admit it was his time to vacate have now reached his family home in Sao Paulo. ‘This is very strange,’ said his mother. ‘I’m keeping my legs crossed just in case.’


Bottas signs Mercedes contract

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Tuesday, January 17th, 2017

Italy shocked by Fiat cheat claims

Posted in News by Sniff Petrol on Friday, January 13th, 2017

Fiat, yesterday

Fiat, yesterday

As the EPA accuses Fiat Chrysler of cheating US diesel emissions tests, the Italian car industry has reacted with shock at news that one of their number should be found behaving in a less-than-scrupulous way.

‘I cannot believe that they would distort or exaggerate numbers,’ sighed a Lamborghini spokesman at the launch of the new 1100 horsepower, 800 kilo Aventador R.

‘It is such a shame that they felt the need to cheat,’ agreed a Ferrari engineer, unloading two identical 488s from a lorry for a magazine story and then insisting that the second one should only be used for the straight line tests.

‘You know, it is so disappointing that they would not play by the rules,’ added a former Lancia rally car designer, moving some flimsy magnesium tubes while struggling to count to 200.

In Turin, however, the mood remained bullish. ‘Look, there’s no way I’m not going to be able to bullshit my way out of this one,’ explained FCA boss, Sergio Marchionne. ‘Come on, I’m the guy who kept his job even after signing off the Fiat 500L.’

The 2017 Detroit Auto Show

Posted in Motorshows, News by Sniff Petrol on Wednesday, January 11th, 2017

The Detroit Auto Show takes place in the home of the Big Three who this year celebrated this fact by literally not being arsed to show anything new or interesting because they were too busy pretending that business decisions made months ago were somehow down to the deranged, illiterate tweets of a nylon-haired piss enthusiast. Fortunately, some other manufacturers made an effort.

det17kiastingerKia showed off an exciting new rear-wheel-drive sports saloon called the Stinger GT. ‘The Stinger really is very spicy and has been tested extensively at the ‘Ring,’ said a spokesman. ‘So I suppose you could say it’s a very obvious joke that I’m not going to do.’ The Stinger name was actually inspired by the very idea of a large, V6-powered petrol saloon from a non-prestige manufacturer and refers to the car’s expected depreciation.

Audi showed off a concept version of its forthcoming Q8 which is a TUV, or Twat’s Utility Vehicle. ‘The sportier Q8 is designed to complement the seven seat Q7,’ explained a spokesman. ‘Because we have realized that (more…)