Archive for the ‘News’ Category

The new M5, yesterday

The new BMW M5 is so incredible that it can actually cure AIDS. That’s according to reports emerging from the new super saloon’s press launch in Spain.

Early road tests of the car also note that, aside from ‘an incredible engine’ and ‘a sublime chassis’, the latest M car can also ‘banish famine’ and ‘eradicate drought’. At least one journalist also noted that with the seven-speed double clutch gearbox in ‘sport+’ mode, gearchanges are ‘lightning fast’ and can ‘broker a lasting peace in the Middle East’.

Despite these remarkable abilities, several writers have also pointed out that the M5 is still capable of ‘seating four adults in comfort’ and ‘making you better looking and more successful’ whilst the right combination of chassis and ESP settings make the driver not only ‘marvel at its understeer resistance’ but also ‘a more considerate lover’.

Sniff Petrol tried to contact several of the car journalists who have driven the new M5 to find out more but they had all gone blind.

SAAB, yesterday

After successfully securing protection from creditors, SAAB has turned to British sports car maker Lotus for advice on how to turn its business around.

‘Oh yea, premium aspirational sporty excellence,’ said Lotus CEO Dany Bahaha. ‘We have already given SAAB some tips on how to reinvent themselves. Heritage opinion-former premium system. First of all, they have got to keep hiring famous name top level management. Emotional aspirational premium sporty authenticness. Yes, we have Karl-Heinz Kalbfell and Claudio Berro and Bob Lutz and Gordon Murray and Swizz Beatz and so on. But there are still at least 45 people in the world who aren’t on the management team of Lotus. Upscale web-compatible lifestyle aspiration premium cash-rich, time-poor.’

Bahaha went on to outline the key idea behind Lotus’s reinvention which he believes could benefit SAAB. ‘They have got to start announcing new cars. One a week at least, or maybe six at once at a motorshow. Prestige iconic heritage premium quality performance appeal. And then some more at another motorshow. And some motorsport cars. So many new announcements that it is completely impossible to understand what is going on any more. That is what will save the company. You know, when I started this at Lotus, people said I was mad. But I am not. Weasel hats.’

Industry sources say that SAAB needs to act quickly to save its business following reports that John Towers has been spotted boarding a plane to Sweden holding a £10 note.

The revised McLaren, yesterday

McLaren has announced a raft of changes to the MP4-12C which it hopes will address media criticism of the car.

The first change is to the styling, which McLaren say has been revised to look ‘more familiar’. In tandem with this major revision, the car will now be available only in red.

Inside, the previous unadorned steering wheel has been pointlessly festooned with confusing buttons whilst in the engine compartment a new facility has been introduced to allow the car to suddenly catch fire.

Finally, the McLaren badge has been revised so that it now incorporates a large equine animal in an upright posture and the car’s name has been simplified, retaining the number 4 but following it with the number 5 to reflect that it has over 500 horsepower and the number 8 to acknowledge the car’s cylinder count.

McLaren promise that all customer cars will be to the new spec and that the motoring media will be able to assess the revised model under circumstances of the factory’s choosing, accompanied by 37 of their engineers and a second, slightly lumpy sounding test car which, mysteriously, can only be used for straight line performance tests.

‘We think these far reaching changes will address all of the complaints we have seen from journalists,’ said a McLaren spokesman. ‘And if they criticise the car again, this time we will react in a laughably pompous and histrionic way by throwing a big hissy fit and then banning them from talking about our products ever again’.

Och aye tha noo muthafukas! Crazy Dave Coulhard comin’ atcha live from tha box of commentary. An’ that ain’t tha only box Crazy D be regularly seein’ tha inside of, know wha’am sayin’? Fo’ shizz. So las’ weekend we slide on over KL side fo’ tha Malaysian Gee to tha Pee and man, it be hot out there. Course, this ain’t no thang fo’ Crazy D cuz he jus’ put on tha Tighty Whitey Jeans. Oh yea. Tha D Man, he jus’ wanna keep tha family jewels cool. An’ also on display. People be sayin’, whatchoo playin’ at D? Those don’ be no practical strides fo’ tha pit lane. But tha D, he ain’t worried cuz see, tha he have a little secret. He bring several pairs. Fo’ shanizzle. An’ when tha D get home, he get a muthafunkin’ discount at tha dry cleaner fo’ laundering twenty fo’ pairs of jeans. That be some sweet ass economies of scale right there.

So out in tha ‘Pang it be Sebby V that slide it on tha one slot again in tha qualifcationation and come tha five-an’-out that cat be away like a sliced eel. This boy be some hot pointy fingered shit right now. There be some mad tyre degradation shee-it goin’ down out there but ma boy Jenny B and tha beardy micro man Nicky ‘Field, they be bringin’ it home fo’ tha three step fizz ‘n’ flash.

Mad props to ma dawg Vitty P cuz that cat be getting’ some rad air out there, fo’ showazzle, and respec’ to ma homie P Diddy Resta cuz that brother, he be talkin’ ma language. Scotch. Finally, don’t forget that for complete analysis of every race, just press the red button on your remote for full interactive coverage, only from the BBC.

The Balocco track, yesterday

There was delight amongst Italian car fans this week with news that Alfa Romeo’s famous Balocco test track is to star in the next version of Gran Turismo 5. The legendary Italian proving ground will feature as part of a new ‘Car Launch’ add-on pack which will be available for the popular driving game later this year.

Sources at GT5 development HQ say that when players select the Balocco option they will have access to a virtual range of Fiat Group products, all of which will feel absolutely brilliant on digital recreations of the facility’s smoothly surfaced handling routes and high speed tracks. For added realism, players who complete the Balocco stage of the game will then be able to take those Fiat Group cars onto normal roads and discover that actually they are a bit disappointing and rubbish.

Further details of GT5’s forthcoming ‘Car Launch’ pack are scarce but it’s believed that the new add-on will also include a Ferrari Event stage with special ‘Jethro Bovingdon mode’ which allows players to score points based on how badly they kerb the wheels on the test car and how many swear words they say in the 30 seconds thereafter.

However, Gran Turismo sources also report that players who dare to criticise the actual car will be banned from playing the Ferrari level again.

With the Australian Grand Prix less than two weeks away, now is a good time to reflect on the leading teams’ performances in testing and, from this, to predict who will make a strong start to the 2011 season.

Clearly all eyes are on last year’s champions, Red Bull Lotus, and the team haven’t disappointed as they looked fast in testing, but also slow as they might be running heavy, or perhaps not.

The Milton Keynes-based team certainly can’t afford to relax given the times set by their old adversary, Ferrari Lotus, who showed some mixed pace in testing but are certain to be quick, or not quick, or a mixture of both.

That’s more than can be said for the struggling McLaren Lotus MP4-26 which was not nearly as fast as expected whilst certainly far from as slow as feared. Likewise, the Mercedes Lotus has shown surprising speed in testing but will this translate into convincing race pace? The answer is almost certainly uncertain.

Rounding up the front and mid-field contenders, Williams Lotus have been looking convincingly unconvincing to convince, Sauber Lotus are certainly on the off-pace, Torro Lotus Rosso have a long way to go if they want to stop being as fast as they aren’t, and Lotus Renault Lotus Lotus cannot be discounted from being ignored for places on the front 10 or so rows. Maybe.

All of which poses the question, based on the testing performances we have seen so far, who will win in Australia? The answer, clearly, is someone.

Errr...errr...errr...errr...errr...errr...errr...errr...errrrrrr, yesterday

The world’s first nine-speed automatic gearbox for passenger cars was announced this week by German manufacturer ZF.

‘This is a… this is a… this is a… this is a… this is a… this is a… this is a… this is a… this is a brand new design that will… this is a… this is a… this is a… a… a… this is a…,’ said a spokesman, restlessly. ‘It will enable… It will enable… It will enable… It will enable… It will enable greater efficiencies as well as a wider… It will enable… It will enable… It will enable… efficiencies as well as… It will enable… It will enable… It will enable… fuel saving measures.’

The new gearbox is designed for front-wheel drive applications and is set to receive its first application in a new Chrysler model to be launched in Jan… Feb… Mar… Apr… May… Apr… Mar… Apr… May… Jun… Jul… JunMayApr… May… Jun… Jul… Aug… JulJunMayAprMar… Apr… May…