Archive for the ‘News’ Category

An explosion, yesterday

There was bad news for fans of vile, hate-spreading wastes of ink and paper this week with confirmation that the Daily Mail has exploded.

Authorities say the Mail’s problems started on Monday when it attempted to file a pointless and inflammatory story about the recent Top Gear Christmas special. ‘Under normal circumstances this would have simply been the usual ream of inane anti-BBC drivel,’ said Dr Randolf Clesp, Head of Hilarious Hypocrisy studies at St Desmond’s College, Oxford. ‘Unfortunately, on this occasion the story concerned the Top Gear presenters offending Muslims by wearing burkas and of course in the ghastly, simplistic world of the Daily Mail, Muslims don’t deserve such sympathy because they are all extremists and terrorists and not truly British. This was the moment the Mail has always feared the most – nasty, ill-informed opinion checkmate.’

Sources say the situation caused immediate panic amongst Daily Mail staff, many of whom involuntarily began barking words such as IMMIGRANTS, CANCER and HOUSE PRICES in an attempt to restore some kind of loathsome, reactionary normality. Sadly, it was too late and even the deployment of the Mail’s emergency special photograph of Princess Diana looking lovely wasn’t enough to prevent the entire organisation from disappearing up its own arsehole. Unfortunately, this very action automatically caused the Mail to write a spiteful piece of thinly veiled homophobia about itself, at which point it simply exploded.

‘Oh no,’ said one wittering lower middle class idiot. ‘Where on earth am I going to get all my cretinously narrow minded opinions from now?’

There was excitement this week amongst fans of respected car makers slowly disappearing up their own arses with news that Lotus has got at least three more shitty ideas it hasn’t even told us about yet.

‘Sure, we have inexplicably announced an entire model range at once even though none of it is ready,’ said a Lotus spokesman. ‘Sure, we have also arranged for a strange and irrelevant roster of terrible celebrities to unveil these cars. And yes, we have now revealed plans to make our own V8 engines. But these alone are not enough. For Lotus to be truly world class, we must come up at least three more shitty, shitty ideas. And the good news is, we have.’

The exact nature of the Norfolk sports car maker’s next raft of shitty ideas is yet to be revealed but some car industry experts say it may take inspiration from the former world leaders in cocking awful ideas, MG Rover. ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if Lotus decides to spunk a load of cash on completely re-engineering one of its models with a brand new drivetrain and a different engine even though it’s quite clear that the market for such a thing is tiny,’ said automotive analyst Helmo Crespp. ‘Or perhaps they will import a car from another country, crudely slap some new bumpers on it and then attempt to pass it off as their own with no success whatsoever. It just remains to be seen if Lotus can keep coming up with ideas that are even shittier than that.’

Hethel sources say it may be some months before Lotus is confident that its next three shitty ideas are truly shitty enough to be made public but that in the meantime their new F1 team will be more than capable of generating terrible embarrassment and negative headlines all of its own. ‘This really is an exciting time for Lotus cars and Lotus motorsport,’ said a spokesman. ‘We just can’t stop having shitty ideas until it’s too late.’

The FIA logo, yesterday

Last week the FIA announced Formula 1 rule changes for 2011 and beyond. However, not all of the proposed rules were passed by the sport’s governing body. Now Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal the regulation changes that didn’t make it:

• Ferrari to agree in advance which rules they’re going to ignore.
• Michael Schumacher allowed to pretend he wasn’t in 2010 season.
• All teams to use 1.6-litre turbo four-cylinder engine from Fiesta RS Turbo.
• Ferrari allowed to ignore agreement about which rules they’re ignoring.
• Karun Chandhok to be re-classified as a ‘removable device’.
• All teams allowed to buy sixth engine from scrapyard.
• Stefano Domenicali limited to 50 appearances on BBC F1 coverage per season.
• Nankang to become second tyre supplier from 2012.
• All teams permitted to fit new air filter to Fiesta RS Turbo engine and then claim ‘XTRA 50BHP!!!!!!!!!’
• Kamui Kobayashi limited to four ambitious overtaking moves per season.
• Korean Grand Prix to become 35 percent less muddy by 2014.
• Eddie Jordan limited to 900 tons of bullshit per season.
• Bernd Maylander in a Mercedes SLS to be recognised as an official world championship entry.
• A minimum of five teams called Lotus by 2013.

Gran Turismo 5, yesterday

Less than a week after Gran Turismo 5 went on sale, the game’s creator has stunned fans by asking for it back.

Reports from Japan say that Kazunori Yamauchi, the man behind the much-delayed driving simulator, is insisting that every single copy to be returned to him after spotting some mistakes in it.

‘After several delays lasting over a year we thought that at last Yamauchi-san was happy with GT5,’ said a spokesman for the game’s publishers Polyphony. ‘Unfortunately yesterday he noticed that one of the buildings in the background at the Monza track was slightly the wrong colour. Also, one of the side repeaters on the Nissan 370Z was not exactly the right shape. As a result, he asks that everyone stop playing the game immediately and returns it to him so that it can be destroyed. He will notify you when new Gran Turismo 5 is ready. Thank you.’

The sudden recall has come as a shock to game players across the world. ‘We’ve waited six years and now this?’ said Litotes Meng from gaming website goawaymumi’mbusy.com ‘What are we supposed to do once we’ve sent it back? Go outside and talk to real people? Have another wank? God, this is so unfair.’

Mercedes Creasematic, yesterday

Mercedes will use today’s Los Angeles Auto Show to reveal an innovative system for adding an even greater number of pointless lines and features to the new CLS, called Creasetronic.

‘Many of our customers liked the new CLS but they told us that the bodywork was not enough of a confusing mass of contrived styling lines,’ said a Mercedes spokesman. ‘Creasetronic addresses that by putting as many lines as the customer desires into the bodysides until the basic and attractive shape of the car is even more ruined by what appears to have been a retard scribbling on the design sketches.’

Creasetronic is not the only Benz innovation to be announced at LA, however. ‘We are aware that many people think fondly of the simple, solid Mercedes cars of the 1970s and ‘80s,’ their spokesman continued. ‘However, our research shows that many younger people actually think fondly of the complicated, shoddy Mercedes cars of the 1990s. That is why we are proud to announce the new ‘Shitmatic’ option for the E- and CLS-class vehicles. By carefully benchmarking older cars we have programmed Shitmatic to introduce random electrical faults such as sticking windows, failed central locking and intermittent starting. It will be just like owning a W210 E-class in the ‘90s, especially when a couple of years have passed and you notice that it’s already rusting!’

The Formula 1 drivers’ championship has gone to the wire and will be decided by the final race in Abu Dhabi this weekend. With four drivers mathematically capable of winning it can be difficult to work out all the various permutations of final result that would lead to your favourite driver seizing the title. But not anymore, thanks to the handy Sniff Petrol F1 2010 Deconfusinator! Enjoy!

A Lotus, yesterday

The F1 paddock is alive with rumours that Renault may be bought by Proton and re-launched as Team Lotus, putting them against the existing Lotus Racing team next season. However, many Formula 1 experts believe this double Lotus confusion could be just the tip of a very Lotusy re-branding iceberg.

It seems certain that Williams will reap the benefits of a new specific software-related sponsorship deal with a division of IBM, a deal which is likely to be almost as valuable as McLaren’s soon-to-be-announced partnership with the new American arm of Poland’s national airline and Force India’s expected link-up with international logistics giant, the Laramie Organization, based at Arizona’s Tucson airport.

Meanwhile, Sauber are hotly tipped to announce a major sponsorship deal for 2011 which will involve the promotion of a new Lotu roadster from Chinese company Hzi-jen, and in particular the high powered version of this car, whilst it seems likely that Mercedes’ key sponsor for next year will be haulage giant Logistik oder Transport, based just around the corner from Daimler-Benz HQ in Untertürkheim, Stuttgart. Not to be left out, Torro Rosso is believed to be on the verge of signing a major title deal with Italian food conglomerate Latteria Orvieto Toscana e Umbria SpA whilst sister team Red Bull may be used to promote the reduced sugar version of the company’s new Taurine Ultra Shake energy beverage.

If these deals work out as planned Williams Lotus, McLaren LOT US, Force India LO (TUS), Sauber Lotu S, Mercedes LoT US, Torro Rosso LOTUS and Red Bull Lo TUS will join Team Lotus and Lotus Racing on the grid for 2011.

‘Shit,’ said Tony Fernandes, yesterday.

Bernard Ecclestone, yesterday

As F1 supremo Bernard Ecclestone turns 80, Sniff Petrol looks back at some of the key moments in his motorsport career.

1957 – Buys Connaught F1 team. Throws a kitten through a desk fan ‘to see what would happen’.

1965 – Becomes Jochen Rindt’s manager. Pushes ‘a substantial quantity of elephant mess’ through Jackie Stewart’s letterbox.

1972 – Buys Brabham F1 team. Sneaks up behind a swan and chops it really hard in the neck so that it falls into a storm drain.

1973 – Makes Gordon Murray chief designer. Makes Carlos Reutemann eat a bee.

1974 – Instrumental in the foundation of the Formula 1 Constructors’ Association. Drives threshing machine into paddock, throws Jackie Stewart’s briefcase into it.

1978 – Becomes FOCA chief executive. Declares war against Wales on two fronts.

1981 – Helps FOCA secure F1 TV rights. Forces Hector Rebaque to grow a moustache.

1982 – Brings FISA-FOCA war to an end. Sacks Hector Rebaque for having a moustache.

1984 – Marries Slavica Radić. Waits until Jackie Stewart is about to put his cap on and then throws a handful of wasps into it.

1987 – Sells Brabham team. Steals the Moon.

1995 – Secures Formula 1 commercial rights for next 15 years. Celebrates by running over Taki Inoue.

1997 – Makes £1m donation to the Labour Party. Spends year deliberately calling lead Arrows driver ‘Damien Hills’ just to be annoying.

1999 – Has triple heart bypass. Invites Jackie Stewart into office and then just shouts ‘BRONCO’ every time he tries to speak.

2007 – Buys Queens Park Rangers football club for £14m. Sells Jackie Stewart’s e-mail address to spam service for £1.30.

2010 – Celebrates 80^th birthday. Hovers over Europe firing lasers at anything that moves.

The new Lotus Exwife, yesterday

Lotus shocked the world at the recent Paris Motoring Show by announcing five brand new models, all of which will be on sale by 2016. The news that some of these cars will use Toyota hybrid technology was a surprise, especially for Toyota themselves, but many observers were also confused by the hierarchy of the range. In an attempt to clear up this confusion, Sniff Petrol is delighted to outline the future Lotus range in full:

The Eczema is the ‘entry level’ Lotus of the future. This model is designed to sit above today’s four-cylinder Elise but below the existing V6-powered Evora and, to that end, will run an L-shaped five-cylinder engine. This car will compete directly with the bottom of the top of the Audi TT range, though it will be larger and lighter and smaller and more or less powerful.

The Excretia is Lotus’s bedrock coupe and will come only in green or brown, although company sources say some people may end up with a red one and should see a doctor immediately. This car is designed to compete directly with the upper reaches of the lower middle of the basic Porsche 911, though the Lotus will have a different sort of power, price and shape and will not compete with the 911 unless forced to.

The Elaine Paige will be the Lotus for people who need a two seater with room for four and will feature a folding metal engine. This model will boast the power and performance of a sustained wolf attack whilst its interior quality will be at least a match for the feeling of confusion experienced when taking the first sip from what appears to be a cup of tea but turns out to be coffee. This car will compete with Radio 2 on Sundays and with itself for the rest of the week.

The Egregious will be the top-of-the-range sports car for Lotus. It will boast a V8 engine, and also about the time it had trials for West Ham. This model will be distinguished by dramatic styling and extinguished by a system of pipes. In terms of other cars, think of the Ferrari 458 or Lamborghini Gallardo or Ford Fiesta or Perodua Kelisa. These are all other cars.

The Exdirectory is Lotus’s five door saloon model, the fifth door being located on the underside. It will be powered, although at this stage no one is quite sure why. This car is most easily compared to a less pricey Porsche Panamera or a more expensive Aston Martin Rapide, although only in terms of texture, hairstyle and proximity to yeasts.